Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Undercover Cop
This is more of a scam than an urban legend. Rumor has it that some guy has been going around pretending to be a cop in order to get out of paying for his sessions. The scam goes something like this...
He shows up at the front desk talking on his cell phone and acting all serious. In the room, he may pretend to be on his phone again. He doesn't put the money down first (scam artists NEVER do). Then immediately after the happy ending, he puts on a convincing show about how he's a cop, but he really really doesn't want to arrest you because you're such a "good girl." So after the masseuse is scared to death, he gives her a warning, then takes off without paying.
Hasn't happened to me, but I've heard it more than a few times lately. Remember ladies - ALWAYS take the money up front.
Anna Nicole Smith is the patron saint of all strippers. She lived the dancers dream of actually marrying a rich customer. Well, we have an urban legend like her around here.
Supposedly there was a girl at a local business that had a millionaire as a Regular. I didn't know her (of course), and the story is always told by a friend of a friend of a friend who knows it's true.
Local wealthy guy goes to a massage parlor out of loneliness and falls in love with his masseuse. He makes an honest woman out of her, and now she's a local socialite hosting tea parties and running his massive business empire.
I call bullshit on this one. Now I'm sure there's some local businessman who has a wife who used to be an erotic masseuse, but that's probably where the story ends. But with each telling he gets richer and richer and she becomes fancier and fancier. The truth is probably closer to Gas Station Owner Knocks Up and Marries Local Masseuse. Occasionally she runs the cash register.
The Divorced Guy
A guy going through a messy divorce goes around town giving away all of his wife's jewelry to masseuses and escorts. Now this is a story that I think is true because it happened to a friend of mine.
Apparently a local guy discovered that his wife had been cheating on him, so they split. The divorce gets so ugly that the guy decides to take his revenge by taking all of her jewelry and then going on a happy ending spree.
The story is that he would take a session, but instead of paying in cash he would offer some super expensive bit of his wife's jewelry. I worked with a girl at the Old Business who got a pair of diamond earrings from this guy - that's why I know it really happened. Rumor has it he did this all over town and managed to clean out his wife of thousands of dollars worth of gold and gems.
OK - it's true that my friend got a pair of earrings from a customer. BUT let me tell you what I think really happened.
I think some local got hold of a large stash of cheap-ass costume jewelry. Then he came up with a convincing sob-story about where it came from and why he wants to unload it. And in the dim lighting of a session room, I'm sure any $10 trinket looks like a thousand bucks.
I never saw the earrings in question, but I'm sure they looked great in the dark. Heck, even I have a collection of jewelry I've gotten from customers. The difference is I won't take it as a tip.
So those are some of the best stories we tell each other after a hard day at work over a few drinks. Sometime after the 3rd shot the conversation always goes like "Didya hear about Candy...? You're not gonna believe this, BUT..."
And now that you've all read this on the internet it has to be true!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
This weekend I was surfing the web for any new references to me or the business. It's sometimes fun to see what you guys think of us, but occasionally it can be bad.
I did find some recent stuff on a couple of the massage websites, but luckily it wasn't too bad. Someone had some nice things to say about me and Cindy, and some nasty things to say about Trina. But what I found most interesting was a comment about the absence of Audrey. One guy talked about how happy he was that she was gone, so I can only assume that he'll be back more often.
What the heck??!! It's supposed to be about customer service... and people were starting to feel intimidated instead? That's why I'm soooooooooooooo glad that she's not coming back any time soon. I've been saying this for a while now - she was starting to turn bad for business.
Then for shits and grins I looked up any new references to "CJ" or the blog. A couple of people are still out there looking for me, and it's always fun to read the latest guesses. But this time I found some stuff that both pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time.
The first was a guy who said that "CJ" is obviously a man who just really enjoys making up stories about handjobs. That one really deserved a "ROFLMAO." Come on - two and a half years of handjob stories? That man would have to have one VIVID imagination to tell the same story a hundred different ways.
The next was a guy who said I obviously know nothing about massage parlors. Now that one just pissed me off. I've been doing this as a career for Gawds sake - and some shithead who probably goes to a parlor once a month is going to tell ME I don't know what I'm talking about??!!??!!
Look, I know he's full of crap and you know he's full of crap - but it just annoys me that he thinks he knows enough to criticize me to other people. Just the idea that someone would read that and believe he's right makes me angry. But then again, it's the internet and anyone can say whatever they want. That's the way it goes.
And lastly was a guy who said I'm full of shit when it comes to Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) because he's never had a "slave" as a masseuse. Well you stupid prick - they don't wear chains around their ankles if that's what it takes to convince you. But when 6 women are in this country illegally, and are shipped across 3 states to live inside a brothel NOT to make money but just to pay off a debt - well that's as close to slavery as we get around these parts.
Oh - and when their Mama-san is murdered because she attracted too much police attention - I guess that's not proof of mob involvement either. It's obviously just the ramblings of a man who can't make up any more good handjob stories. Grrrrrrrrr...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
With every rule there is an exception - and this applies to my whole 5 Stages of dating thing. I know I've beaten this topic to death, and I swear this will be the last of it (for now). But all our talk this week reminded me about this girl I used to work with.
I used to know "Cynthia" at the old Business. She massaged by day and danced at night, so at the end of any given evening, she was coming home with a boatload of cash. And let me say that she deserved it with all the hours that she worked.
Her husband loved it too. "Bradley" was that rare breed of guy who actually got off on what his wife did for a living and would brag to all his friends about his little "ATM" as he used to affectionately call her.
He loved his little ATM and did not mind one little bit what she did for a living because what she did for a living paid for his truck, and car, and motorcycle, and jet ski, and snowmobile, and all his other little toys and party lifestyle. And Bradley did have it good. His income combined with hers made for a pretty sweet lifestyle.
He was totally cool with what she did and had no jealous feelings. He knew that she wasn't a full service masseuse, and there was nothing threatening going on at the strip club. I guess you could say he was perpetually stuck in Stage 1. And what guy wouldn't be turned on by a wife that gave awesome handjobs and then shaked her ass in lingerie afterwards? Now it would be pretty cool at this point if I could say that she also brought girls home for him to mess around with, but that wasn't the case (if you want that, go read Penthouse Forum). They were just a regular ole husband and wife.
I left the Old Business before she did so I don't know how her story ends. But when I did leave, things had just started to get interesting. Cynthia was doing exactly what her Bradley should have been worried about all along - she was cheating on him with a customer (strip club, not parlor). He was a Sugar Daddy that she eventually fell for.
And that isn't even the weird part. The weird part is that the Sugar Daddy had gone so far as to befriend the husband, just so he could spend as much time as possible around Cynthia. And it worked out - for a while. They would all spend time together partying. And then it happened...
"... Hey Cynthia, why don't you and your friend fuck while I watch?"
Cynthia told me it was the hardest thing she ever had to do - have sex with her lover in front of her husband, and pretend like it was the first time. Apparently the Sugar Daddy felt the same way.
Now you would think that this was probably the absolute coolest thing that could have happened to Cynthia - two lovers fucking in broad daylight and the husband is OK with it. She did admit it was fun at first but over time it just became sick and twisted. Her feelings of guilt quickly changed over to feelings of disgust towards Bradley. How could he want to watch his wife have sex with another man?
I know all this sounds totally bizarre, but it's exactly where it left off when I lost contact with her. "Cynthia" - if you're out there, I hope everything worked out for you. Last thing she said to me before I quit that job was that she was thinking of leaving her husband for the Sugar Daddy.
OK, so I am totally done with talking about relationships for now. I promise to get back to good old fashioned handjob stories and secrets by next week.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
And it was while I was thinking of a thoughtful response to this guys problem that I had this startling realization:
I would not date me.
By that, I don't mean no one should ever ask me out. What I mean is that I couldn't date a guy who would willingly go out with a girl who does erotic massage for a living. Let me explain...
First off, for anyone who doesn't understand what erotic massage is, I would expect the 5 Stages to kick in. And thus dating me would be a slowly turning death spiral of regret and dispair that could only end in heartache and tragedy.
Now second and most importantly, for anyone who DOES understand what I do for a living, it obviously means that you frequent massage parlors and I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors.
Does that make me a hypocrite? TOTALLY. I must be the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet for not wanting to date anyone who has actually used my services! I'm sorry, but that's they way I feel. I don't want a guy who goes to massage parlors. I know what goes on in them! And I should know - I work in one.
Trina and I had a big argument about this. She's been dating this guy on and off for years and they've been stuck in Stage 4 for most of it. She says they're fine - but I say it's only because they haven't progressed to Stage 5 yet. They get together for a while, he gets jealous, calls her some names, they take a break and then it repeats all over again.
What Trina pointed out to me was this - if I can't date a guy who discovers I work in a parlor, and I can't date a guy who already knows I work in a parlor, that only leaves one other option - guys who read the blog, but have never been to a parlor, and are cool with it.
THAT fucked with my head.
I could never date a reader because they know TOO much about me! I'm sure there are some fantastic guys out there, but I've revealed too much as it is. I've given you guys a completely uncensored look at what goes on behind those dark curtains. You may think that you've heard all the stories and are OK with it, but the reality of me coming home after a hard days work and greeting you with "...not right now dear... I have to wash the semen off my breasts..." would probably not fit your definition of domestic bliss.
So I have determined that the perfect scenario for me would be to meet a newbie who had never been to a massage parlor before. He would become a Regular, but would never ask for anything freaky. Slowly we would become friends and he would vow never to see any other masseuse again. Only then would he ask me out and we would fall in love before he reveals to me that he's actually the king of an island in the Pacific and he wants me to be his benevolent queen.
Now before you all start accusing me of having totally unrealistic standards of dating, let me just say that the location of the island really isn't that important.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I'm going to do something different this week. I got this email recently from a guy seeking advice on dating an erotic masseuse. If this works out maybe I'll do more posts like this. Think of me as like a Dear Abby, but with handjobs.
I thought this would be interesting to talk about since I am probably the worst person in the world to ask for dating advice. As you may have noticed, I really really really don't like to talk about my dating life. If anything, I may be the perfect example on what NOT to do. But I'll try my best to give honest advice.
"Hi there. I've been reading your blog for about a month now after finding out that someone I've been seeing for a while (and I think I'm in love with) is also an erotic masseuse.
Finding this out has absolutely destroyed me, and completely fucked up the relationship. I've never been against prostitution and always took the stance that whatever two consenting adults do with their own bodies is their business and should be their decision. But finding out that someone who I know and care about does it has completely thrown that perception (along with my perception of her) on it's ear.
I really do care about this girl but I find myself thinking horrible things about her...that she's lying about the extent of what she does, that she is some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck, out of my league, slutty, promiscuous, possessed of low self-esteem and daddy issues, a bitch,
and on and on and on. And the sad thing is that before this I thought of her as a sweet, sexy, innocent, kind of dorky, kind person. It's as if all the things I have thought about her are impossible for me to think of her as now, and trust is basically impossible.
It really sucks because I felt like I was falling deeply in love with her before and now I just don't know how to deal with it. It's also incredibly confusing because even though it makes everything else in the relationship harder, it's also a huge turn on, even though I wind up feeling used and just lied to.
I always wonder about the regulars, about little extras, about moments during the massage where she actually has a good time. It's torture but I can't stop seeing her, although I'm thinking that it's not something that is going to be sustainable if things don't change somehow. There are moments where I absolutely hate her for it, for a variety of reasons from sexual to financial insecurity (I'm a poor college student and she can make 500 in a good night), but it also feels like if I can learn to accept her and trust her I could have something meaningful with probably the most sexually exciting woman I've ever met. Seriously, I'm dying here. HELP!"
Well let me start off my saying your initial reaction is pretty much exactly what I've seen whenever I've told a potential boyfriend about what I do. In fact I call that "Stage 2" of the "5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse."
Stage 1 - The Turn On
Stage 2 - Distrust
Stage 3 - Jealousy
Stage 4 - Accusations
Stage 5 - Breakup
You've obviously been through Stage 1. At first guys are usually turned on by my admission to what I do for a living. "I'm totally cool with that..." "Man that's hot!..." and even "Would you do that for me?" are some of the typical first responses. The problem though is that guys assume that if your job is sleazy, then you must also be sleazy. And sleazy is always a turn on - at first.
This leads me to Stage 2 - which you are obviously at. Distrust raises its ugly head shortly after the initial turn on. Guys start to assume that just because I'm having sex with them, I'm probably having sex with every customer who walks through my door. I know she claims to be a handjob only masseuse, but how can you really be sure? Two naked adults, alone in a room with soft lighting, and all that baby oil - how could they NOT be having a sex!
You seem on the verge of Stage 3 - jealousy. This is where you guys get it all wrong. What I do for a living is a job - nothing more. The happy ending is merely mechanical for me.
3) Repeat as necessary.
It's you guys that want to attach some kind of significance to it. I swear, sometimes guys are worse than girls when it comes to dealing with sex. Now if your girlfriend works in a handjob only parlor, then she's probably not lying when she says nothing goes on between her and the customers.
Are you worried that she might havea "good time" (Gawd forbid) at work? I really thought that was a strange choice of words. If she were a waitress and had a "good time" at work one day, would that mean she's in love with her customers? It's the same thing... I hope to get through my day with a smile on my face, but it doesn't mean I have to have a romantic "moment" with a customer. Heck - I'm happy if a customer just cracks jokes during his session.
One comparison that might help is how would you feel if your girlfriend were a stripper? A stripper's job is to give guys hard-ons. Sure she shakes her ass as part of the job description, but can you do that mechanically without being involved with the customer? Oh you bet - just ask any stripper! As a matter of fact, I dare you to find any stripper who can't manage to give more then 3 lap dances without falling in love with her customer.
One thing you said that I thought was interesting was whether your girlfriend is "some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck." This plays to the whole myth that sex workers (or women in general) have some sort of magical power over men. I hate to burst your bubble, but married guys who want a hand release from someone who's NOT their wife is a marketable commodity just like anything else. Your girlfriend brings home $500 a night because guys REALLY LIKE HANDJOBS - not because she has ulterior motives of enslaving men and unravelling the fabric of polite society.
You're not quite at Stage 4 yet - Accusations. Which is a good thing because your relationship can still be saved. At this point you basically cave in to all your insecurities and become convinced that she really is cheating on you every chance she gets. You can tell that a guy has reached this stage because the word "whore" becomes a major part of his vocabulary.
It's not a very pretty stage, and it's not too long before you finally hit Stage 5 - Breakup.
Of course if she's working in a full service parlor then chances are she is lying to you and getting laid a couple times a day. But like I said before, it's probably mechanical and she doesn't enjoy it - unlike with you.
And that's my 2 cents. Hope this helps!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
This was back a number of years ago now, when she had left The Business and was pretty deep in her drug problem. She was living with another girl at the time who was "dating" (as she called it) as a sort of night job. Gidget (as we will call her) placed ads on the internet and then met guys in local hotels.
Well when you're a jobless drug addict, the life of an escort starts to look glamorous. So Cindy said she took the plunge like this... one day she was home and heard the answering machine pick up. It was a new guy asking to see Gidget for the first time. It turns out Cindy recognized the guys voice - so she picked up the phone and pretended to be Gidget!
Luckily the guy was pleasantly surprised that they knew each other already. So they arranged a price and a meeting. However, since Cindy basically stole the customer right out from under her roommate, she really had no idea how to get new ones. So for a couple of weeks, she basically just continued to intercept messages during the day, and then delete them before anyone got home.
She also had the foresight to pick the guys brains on how they found "Gidget" so eventually Cindy learned enough about the internet to start placing her own ads. Now I've mentioned before that Cindy isn't the brightest of bulbs. And a woman who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon is bound to make a few mistakes.
Cindy placed her first ad in the "Dating" personals.
She met a nice guy named "Tom" and exchanged a few messages with him before deciding to meet at a local sports bar. They exchanged a few pleasantries over a drink. Tom was being very chatty and asked her about her family and what she did for a living, etc. So when Tom spit out his drink after she asked him if he wanted a blowjob in the car or the full hour session at his place, she started to suspect that there might be a slight misunderstanding here.
Tom was on a date. Cindy was at a business meeting. Fortunately, Tom quickly recovered his composure and then considered this his lucky day since he realized he was going to get lucky - guaranteed.
They worked out the details and decided they couldn't go back to his place since his mom was home (I mentioned how this was his lucky day, didn't I?). Instead they went to hers with the understanding that he was not to talk to Gidget if she was home since she didn't know of Cindy's new occupation.
Now the way Cindy described it, her room wasn't clean. Ever been in the home of a drug addict? It's never something out of Martha Stewart magazine. It smelled of cigarettes, and probably had drug paraphenelia lying around. Tom didn't care, so they started going at it right there. Cindy said the whole thing was over so quickly that she almost felt bad for the guy. Tom didn't care though - he was just glad to have had the most successful first date of his entire life.
But now that they were done with business, they realized that they never actually ate anything at the bar. So They ended up going back out to grab a bite to eat. They went to a local diner where Tom opened his wallet for what was now the 3rd time. Ironically, by the end of the evening, Cindy was on a date and Tom was at a business meeting.
Eventually, Tom became her first Regular, and she became his "rental girlfriend." She said there were times they'd actually do dinner, a movie and sex just like real couples (except for the cash on the nightstand afterwards of course). They saw each other for several months before she went off the deep end with the drugs. She hasn't spoken to him since.
Let me tell ya, there have been days when I've thought that would be a sweet arrangement. Especially if the guy looked like Brad Pitt.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
So this brings me to todays topic, which I actually got from a customer yesterday. I know that this blog is supposed to be about massage parlor secrets, so I'm going to reluctantly give you one today. And I say "reluctantly" because it's a scam that works well at Asian places.
If you're JUST looking for a decent massage at a discount price, then sometimes a massage parlor is your best bet. A spa may charge you $60 - $90 for a 1 hour therapeutic, while a massage parlor may only charge $30-$60. For example, you might see an ad in the back of the paper offering "1 hour massage for only $30!" This amount is just to get you in the door. The $30 probably all goes to the house and the masseuse will make her money offering you options and extras.
This is where the scam comes in...
Forget EVERYTHING I told you about how to act cool in a massage parlor. After you agree to a price, tell them:
1) This is your first time here.
2) You've never had a therapeutic massage before.
In other words, make it obvious you are a newbie looking for a therapeutic massage. This will set off all their red flags and they will go into "Legit" mode. So instead of sending you off with the next girl in rotation, they fetch the one backup girl who actually knows what she's doing.
Remember - you've just set off their alarms, so they need to convince you that they're a legitimate massage practice. Giving you a girl with giant implants dressed in lingerie who rubs your shoulders half-heartedly for a few minutes isn't going to cut it. Now they trot out the homely girl in back who's actually skilled in genuine therapy techniques.
I used to be that girl (only not so homely) at the last place I worked. They used to drag me out for anyone requesting a therapeutic, or just looking suspicious. I used to hate it because I'd never get tipped.
Customers tell me that this trick works particularly well at Asian massage parlors (AMPs) because they often advertise very low prices just to get you in the door. They can afford to because the house pockets the tip money as well. The customer I was talking to yesterday about this said he once got a fantastic massage from a woman who really knew what she was doing. Ugly as hell, but used her feet and everything on him.
I'm not advocating anyone going to an AMP, but if your purpose is to get a bargain therapeutic from them, then I won't blame you.
Now of course this trick isn't foolproof. Some places may try to hit you up with other "fees" when they realize you're not dropping $$$ for a happyending. Or all their girls may be suddenly "busy" when they realized you're only looking for a therapeutic. But, it's worth a shot - especially if they want to appear legit.
And the last piece of advice i will give you (so none of my colleagues out there will get too mad at me for revealing this secret) is to PLEASE tip your masseuse for therapeutics. $20 is my recommended amount. Most of the time we're not expecting it, and it would really make our day.CJ
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
So in the meanwhile I wanted to talk about "Sex Addicts" since it's all in the news. Now let me get this straight - if a guy cheats on his wife, he just calls himself a sex addict, goes to rehab, then everything is fine? It's not his fault, but an "addiction?" Well if sex is an addiction, then I guess that makes me one of the biggest dealers in town considering all the married men who come in as customers.
Look - getting a hand release every now and then at the hands of a professional is hardly signs of an addiction. If you're married is that cheating? I think so, but it's still no where near an addiction. I've seen real sex addicts, and it's got nothing to do with cheating on your spouse.
Here at The Business I've seen 2 types of people I would call sex addicts. The first is what I would call the "Happy Ending Addict." This is the guy who loves his first happy ending so much, he just can't stop. These are customers who quickly turn into Regulars. And I don't mean every month, or even every week. I've seen guys who would come in almost every day. It never lasts very long because they run out of money, but they run their course in 2-3 weeks. They're like handjob junkies - they spend all their time thinking about their next fix.
Then there are the guys that I would call genuine sex addicts. These guys just have this total obsession with getting off. And they don't care whether it's by their hand or someone else's - they just need to have a constant series of orgasms. I've seen a few customers like this in my colorful history. They usually request the happy ending up front (not an unusual a request). But afterwards they will masterbate during the massage.
I had one guy - and I SWEAR this is true - who got off 6 times during the course of a one hour massage. My hands weren't tired because I only did the first one. The other 5 he took care of while I massaged him. He even asked me if it was OK, and told him he could knock himself out - makes my job easier. And in case you were wondering... there was no cum to speak of. Each orgasm was dry.
Now THAT is what I call sex addiction. Jesse James and Tiger Woods sleeping with a bunch of strippers - that's just boys being boys.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
What really clues you in are the photos. Posting a Glamour Shot is one thing, but bending over and showing cleavage? That's not for Grandma's benefit.
Now the big red flag for me was the phrase "draping optional." I've heard of this technique used by independent erotic masseuses. Basically it's her code word for happy ending. If you ask for "draping" (a towel wrapped around your waist) you're looking for a therapeutic massage only. If you decline the drape (letting it all hang out) then she opens the door to a world of sensual delights...
A legit masseuse would never offer you a draping option. Believe me - she doesn't need to see your junk to do her job. In fact, the various techniques to keep you covered are part of our training. There are even some massage styles that have the body being completely covered except for the specific region that's being massaged.
But what I really wanted to talk about today is our gay customers. We're in a small town out in the suburbs so there's no visible "gay community" to speak of. You really have to be in Philly before you'll see anyone who's out of the closet.
In other words, everyone is pretty closeted out here. There are parlors that cater to gay men, but you have to be in the city to find one. So out here in the boondocks, what are you gonna do if you're a gay man and you really really really want a professional handjob? You go to the nearest source of professional handjob givers - the local massage parlor!
Think of it this way... If you're a guy and you really needed a sports massage, you'd probably turn to a masseur because he's an expert at what he does and men tend to be better at sports massage because of the techniques it requires.
Same thing applies to handjobs. Each of us girls here at The Business have our own little group of gay Regulars. None of mine have ever made "Freak of the Week" because they never ask for anything weird. Remember my FOTW - Tony and Tina? Even that guy was straight - he just enjoyed wearing women's clothing.
Some of my gay customers take a fully clothed option with happy ending because they have no interest in the view. But believe it or not, most take either a topless or G-string. Most common answer? They love the look of the female body. They never touch me, but they do enjoy looking. Go figure.
I like the gay customers because they're always respectful, tip well, and usually great conversation. I would even go so far as to say the most business like. They never have issues about what we will or won't do. They never try to haggle over price. And the nicest thing of all is they never grab your ass or pester you for full service.
Customer wants a 30 minute topless session, doesn't pinch me, and compliments my hair? - gay guy.
Customer wants a 30 minute nude session while wearing an adult diaper and calling me "mommy," THEN tries to shortchange me? - straight guy.
You can call me a Fag Hag any day.