Happyendingz - confessions of an erotic masseuse

Open For Business

2012-01-17T21:26:00.005-05:00

Hey guys! I'm feeling much better now and back to work as usual. And unfortunately that means that I had to let Cindy go. She knew it was coming, so it wasn't a big deal. But while she was here, she did manage to reconnect with some of her old Regulars and set up some outcalls. And even during the peak of my mucous-fest, we got a request for a double massage.

That was an interesting session. When I tried to explain to "Charlie" that I wasn't exactly feeling 100%, he quickly pointed out "... those titties ain't sick..." Cindy and I have since decided to sell T-shirts with that quote on them.

Anyway, Cindy wanted nothing to do with me, so she stayed as far away from me in that 10x10 room as possible. It was kinda funny - I would massage a leg, then she wouldn't touch it afterwards. I would move to the bottom of the table, and she would move to the top. Well I enjoy fucking with Cindy's head as much as anyone else - but I knew I couldn't keep it up without leaving her SOMETHING to massage. That pretty much ruled out Charlie's penis. And the soft-core lesbian show - forget about it.

Well, I was quickly losing my energy so I turned the massage and happy ending over to Cindy while I took the job of "teaser." In other words, while she was doing all the work, I just had to act sexy and tease the shit out of him. It's harder than it sounds - especially when you can't breathe through your nose and keep coughing up things that are green.

So Cindy was on Charlies right side working his cock while I was on the left, pretending to be sexy. I have to admit to you right now - I fucking phoned it in. I stood there with my red nose, bags under my eyes, coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose (are you touching yourself yet?). I ran through my catalog of "Things Guys Like To Watch Girls Do" - only really really fast.

I grabbed my breasts and gave them a squeeze. Then I bounced up and down for a few seconds. I licked my nipples. I lifted my arms up and ran my fingers through my hair. Then I swayed left and right so The Girls were bouncing back and forth. Now before you think any of this is sexy, keep in mind I did all of them within the space of a minute.

THAT is how sick I felt.

Cindy noticed that I was pretty much being useless and realized she had to kick up her game. So now she starts to moan, squeeze her own breasts and lick her lips. It's like we're doing a slutty version of dueling banjos. But I'm tired and ready to sit down so I just give up. I realize that the best thing in this situation is to draw the attention away from me. I told Cindy to move over and let me finish him. I may not be much to look at, but I can at least perform a decent handjob.

Cindy's handjob technique is a good old fashioned single hand with a top twist. It puts a decent, rhythmic motion on the shaft combined with a burst of sensation on the head. Doesn't work for all guys but Charlie didn't seem to mind. I mimic her technique since guys usually don't appreciate a switch in the middle. The difference is instead of my whole palm, I take only my thumb and run it completely over the head in a quick snaking motion. I think it's more of a tease and not as overwhelming as the entire hand.

Cindy move over to the top of the table and lowers her breasts into Charlie's face. This is more like it and it finally works. Charlie cums in a loud groan and sort of spasms a few times. And none to soon because I really really really need to blow my nose at this point.

And take a nap.

Closed Due To Illness

2012-01-10T23:19:00.002-05:00

Like everybody else out there, I've been out sick for over a week now. And when I say "out sick" I mean I've still been going to work even though I should be locked up in a hospital under quarantine. Do you guys think it's unethical of me to show up to work anyway when I'm this bad off? Especially when you consider I'm close enough to breathe on them and touch them with my germy-sicky hands?

Well the correct answer is "yes - that's pretty fucked up." And I agree with you. And that's why I haven't laid off Cindy yet. Last Friday when I was at my worst, I was so achy I could barely move. BUT, someone had to cover the night shift and there was no way in heck I was gonna let Cindy stay there all by herself. Besides, I still need to sneak her in after Maude goes home.

So for half of last week, I could be found crashed on the office couch underneath a pile of used tissues and empty sudafed boxes while Cindy was doing Lord knows what in session. Honestly, I felt like such crap that she could have been hosting gangbangs for all I cared.

Regulars or anyone else who specifically asked for me, I would explain to them my situation and if they still wanted to come in - well that was their choice. Whenever I'm sick, tired, hungover, etc., I sometimes offer my "Mutual Special." For the price of a nude, I'll let the customer massage me instead. It's a win-win because I don't have to do anything, and I still get paid.

The mutual is an interesting option because I'm never quite sure what I'm going to get. Let's face it, it's basically just a free pass for a customer to play with The Girls. But what's interesting is how they exercise it. Some guys will actually put in a good effort at massaging me - saving The Girls for last. Other guys have just flipped me over onto my back, sprayed a generous helping of baby oil on my breasts, then gone to town - massaging here, rubbing there, and then sneaking in a nipple pinch every now and then. And then I had one guy who basically dry humped my leg while he massaged my back, and then came all over the table.

But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that I did manage to see a few customers over the last week, but at their own risk. I guess once my top is off, they can pretty much ignore anything from my nose up. And Cindy was there for me - always ready to take the next customer.

I was originally planning on NOT bringing her back to work shortly after new years. She knows it, so don't start hating me yet. But I have to admit that it's been kinda nice having her around - like the old days. Except that I'm twice as paranoid that she's going to steal something or get us raided.

I'm feeling better today. For the first time I have NOT finished an entire box of tissues in one day. I see that as a good sign. Believe it or not, there are some guys who do not find a pile of used tissues on the floor very sexy.

Good Riddance 2011

2012-01-01T23:05:00.006-05:00

One day into the new year and the drama begins. Christmas was busy enough between work and shopping and family and all, so I really had no intention of writing anything till after the holidays.

We were holding down the fort pretty well with Trina, Cindy and myself. Business was slow but steady. Cindy was actually showing up on time and not making an ass of herself. Audrey was truly butting out of my business. Maude had the place tastefully decked out in Christmas cheer. And everything was going pretty good between me and Derek.

Then Sugar Daddy Pete showed up.

It was last Thursday and I had just sneaked in Cindy to help me with the night shift. I was sitting at the front desk when he just walked as if he had just stepped out a minute ago.

"Hello beautiful. Can I get a massage?"

I think my jaw hit the floor. I hadn't heard a peep out of him since last spring. And even then it was through Cindy. Now here he is standing and grinning in front of me as if we were old friends. But I have to remind myself that we're not old friends. He's just another customer that I've only seen a couple of times. I know one of those times was at his place, but still - it was more or less business. Just business.

So why are the butterflies coming back to my stomach? Why am I suddenly back in high school talking to the popular kid? I can't even remember Derek's name. And now this man wants a session with me.

Luckily Cindy didn't come up front. He asked about her and I said she was "fine." But I made sure to get him in the room quickly. He took a standard 1 hour session, but we were probably in there closer to 90 minutes. We never even talked options or extras. I just undressed completely and told him to do the same. Normally I leave the room while the customer gets ready, but in this case I stayed. Partly because I didn't want to run into Cindy and partly because I wanted to watch him take his clothes off.

I swear - it felt like our conversation just picked up naturally from the last moment we saw each other. He said he was single. I said I was single. I also said Cindy was engaged, so that pretty much sums up my state of mind. Turns out he didn't get rid of the house he was building out in Amish country. Instead, it went unfinished and he's only just now getting the work started again.

He wants to coming in on a regular basis after the holidays. I've heard all this before, so I'll believe it when I see it. But in the meanwhile I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said. I mean, I've done some fucked up shit at work, then showed up on a date as Derek's faithful loving girlfriend without so much as a blink. But just the stuff I said and thought about with Pete made me feel like I had totally cheated on him. And it ended up just being a normal session with happy ending. Nothing weird - just the standard handjob. Pete didn't ask for anything else, and I didn't offer.

And that was my New Years. Three days of second guessing, regret and guilt about a guy I saw for 90 minutes. Ugh.

Happy New Year. Yeah right.

Merry Christmas!!!

2011-12-24T00:45:00.001-05:00

My first official act as "co-manager" of The Business was to start looking again to hire another girl. My first un-official act was to bring Cindy out of retirement and help me out for the holidays.

You heard right guys - your favorite slutty, discount, masseuse is back for a limited time, so take advantage of this exclusive opportunity to get full service at half-service prices. And yes - she does know about the blog but I don't think she'll read it any time soon. She hocked her laptop to buy weed a looooong time ago.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. She needed the work, and I needed the help. Damned if Trina and I are going to cover 80 hours worth of shifts a week all by ourselves. AND at Christmas time. The real problem is hiding her from Maude so Audrey doesn't know. So she's basically been helping out with the night and weekend shifts for about 2 weeks now.

The pros are better shift coverage, help with nightly cleanup, and the ability to offer "Doubles" again (for newbies, doubles are 2 girls at one time). Cindy is great for doubles because she's more willing to take care of the cock, while I take care of everything else. And lastly, it's nice to just hang out with her just like in the old days.

The cons are I have to sneak her in, and I give up half my customers if the night is slow. And lastly, I'm stuck hanging out with her for hours on end. I mean, how many different ways are there to say that your baby-daddy is an asshole? I get it - he's a jerk. And after 4 straight hours of hearing about it, I want to find him myself and cut him up into small pieces with a rusty axe then hide the pieces in a series of hermetically sealed mayonaise jars buried behind a gas station.

I guess what I'm trying to say is Merry Christmas!

Back To Work

2011-12-13T22:27:00.002-05:00

It's a relief and it's awkward at the same time. What's nice is having a 40 hour schedule again. I can set my alarm clock. I know where I'm going to be every day now. And I don't have to lie to Derek anymore about my whereabouts. I can honestly look him in the eye and say "I am going to work."

The awkward part is coming back under less than ideal circumstances. I left for a reason and now I have to wonder if it's just a matter of time before things get fucked up again. But in the meantime I need to fix the train wreck that The Business has become since I've been gone.

Just like me they were relying on Regulars for a while. Trina said she'd take appointments at The Business, but for the most part there was no other reason to be in the building. She would just wait for either a customer or Maude to call. Most people who just showed up at the door were turned away by Maude. According to Trina, she was seeing about 10 - 15 customers a week this way.

But something about her story didn't add up. 10 sessions would be about $500 a week to Audrey, or $2000 a month. That couldn't possibly pay for Maude's salary, let alone monthly rent and utilities for The Business. So where did Audrey get all the money to keep the doors open AND pay for refurbishing the place? There's only one way - Audrey had to have come out of retirement.

So after a couple days of pestering Maude about what's REALLY been going on around here in my little absence, she confessed that Audrey had in fact been showing up "every now and then" to pick up some sessions. Honestly, I don't know how that girl does it. I thought she already had a full time job so I don't know where she got the energy to do that then run on over to her night job and earn enough money to keep The Business afloat. AND she was doing that while trying to avoid the cops that she knew were watching the place.

Phew.

I kinda guessed that waaaaay before the topic of me coming back to work ever came up in conversation. Not that it's really that big a deal to me. I'm coming back with most of the Regulars I kept during my time as an independent. Plus now I can pick up the occasional walk-in. We're still worried about anyone staking us out, so we screen the walk-ins more than usual.

My Regulars for the most part are happy I went back because it gives them a safe place to see me instead of their homes or hotel rooms. BUT... I'm still keeping a few Regulars on the side who don't need to come here. These are guys I trust more than usual, and don't mind seeing them outside The Business. There are just some bridges I don't want to burn just yet...

And on a side note, Maude is happy that "her girls" are back. In fact, she's already decorated for Christmas. She did it 2 days after my return. Got a tree, and everything. I wonder if she'd be interested in doing a Secret Santa with Trina and me?

I'm Back

2011-12-07T00:22:00.006-05:00

Literally and literally (get it?). I started back at the Business just after Thanksgiving. Turns out they had been all but shut down for a couple months now. I knew what I was getting into since Trina kept me up to date on what was going on ever since I left. But my return isn't what's interesting - it's why I left in the first place.

For those of you who are new here, you can catch up on all the drama starting here. But to truly understand why I walked out in the first place, you gotta remember what bullshit I was up to the moment it happened. So start reading here. It's OK... I'll wait.

Done? OK... Basically the reason why I quit back in July is because I take my job waaaaaaaaay too seriously. I mean for a girl who gives handjobs for a living, it's really hard to do. You really have to try to pretend that any off this nonsense matters and that 40 hours of your week actually mean something. Let me explain.

I spent weeks looking for a girl to replace Cindy AND Audrey (remember them?). I mean, we lost 2 girls over the past 2 years and ran The Business without them. Audrey was a real loss even though I still think she's a lying, cheating, scumbag bitch. The problem is that she's a workaholic lying, cheating, scumbag bitch. So I knew replacing her was gonna be hard.

I ended up interviewing, I don't know - dozens of losers before narrowing it down to 2 girls who I thought might actually fit in. My main concern was personality fit, massage experience, customer appeal, and NO DRUGGIES. I'm not exaggerating when I say it took a couple months before I found some girls I actually liked. If I remember correctly, I think one was a plain girl with lots of therapeutic experience, and the other one had the right attitude, but no experience other than taking her clothes off in front of strangers.

Now remember, I'm interviewing for the position of Erotic Masseuse at a tiny massage parlor in backwater PA. It's not exactly Chief of Medicine in a big hospital. But like I said, I take my job waaaaaay too seriously. So imagine how I felt when Audrey called me up and said she hired a girl who was starting the next day.

Well first off, I was absolutely pissed off that she completely ignored all the work I put into this and stuck us with a total stranger. But it turned out that was just the start of the problems. When the girl (we'll call her Britney) showed up, she was pretty much the exact opposite of everything I wanted in a co-worker.

To put it in a nutshell, Audrey hired a meth addict that owed her money. End of story.

I guess she figured that if she actually gave this skank a job, then she'd be able to eventually pay her back. Look - I don't know anything about the drama that goes on around Audrey. Shit - I don't want to know the drama. But now I was in the middle of it, and that was why I walked out one bright and sunny day last summer.

Now to be fair, the term "skank" was of my choosing. Britney may have been quite virtuous for all I knew. But I do recognize a fucking tweaker when I see one. I mean Britney had bags under her eyes, needle tracks, and missing teeth. I don't know what customer in his right mind would look at her and say "I want HER - open sores are sexy...." I mean it was THAT bad.

So I left. In my mind, if I was going to hang on to any remaining shred of dignity that I had, there was no choice. It's not every day that your boss basically tells you that your job can be done by a fucking meth addict.

Turns out I was right. Shortly after I left, Trina said things starting "missing" around The Business. Then Trina said she had cash stolen out of her purse. Next Maude noticed the deposit wasn't balancing at the end of the night. And that was just the start...

The clientele started to change. A whole new crop of customers started showing up just to see Britney. In most cases it's fine and dandy to have your own Regulars, but according to Trina, these guys were just bad news. When you've been in the business as long as we have, you know what a customer looks like. Trina said guys were coming in for 15, 10 - even 5 minutes at a time. Sometimes Britney would take 2 guys "in session."

Of course it was all total bullshit, but she was bringing in customers and Audrey was making money, so she turned a blind eye to it. Then sometime in October, Britney was arrested on drug charges. NOT in The Business thank goodness. Finally Audrey woke up and realized that she was just a plea deal away from having The Business raided, everything seized as evidence and her going to jail. For all intents and purposes she closed up shop for a month. Trina said she was only seeing Regulars by appointment.

But I have to give it to Audrey - she can be pretty damn smart when she needs to. She didn't tell her sister to skip town for a couple months. Maude didn't go home - in fact she did the opposite. She stayed at work on a regular basis and gave the illusion that we were still a real salon. A salon without customers, but a legitimate business just the same. Audrey told Maude to supervise a "makeover" of the place. During the couple of months they were shut down, The Business got a fresh coat of paint, some needed maintenance, new carpeting, and even some new furniture. She just spaced it out very slowly over 2 months. Apparently Maude showed up every day to make sure everything went smoothly. Most days she sat there at work all by herself. Now THAT is a trooper.

And that's pretty much what happened while I was gone. But now I'm back and the goal is to rebuild our customer base. One of the conditions for me returning isn't just to hire a new girl or 2. I now have this sort of limited "partnership" I guess you'd call it. I get first say in some of the management aspects, and Maude is supposed to have the rest. Audrey will now be a "silent" partner. She still owns it, and collects the profits, but no more meddling in how it's run. What this may eventually lead to is me buying her out in a couple years. We'll see.

Now go ahead - tell me I'm crazy. I'm just happy at this point to have a regular 40-hour work week again.

I'm Back. (Maybe)

2011-11-22T23:07:00.000-05:00

Audrey called me today.

And she called yesterday. In fact she's been calling a lot lately. I think it's because she's convinced she's wearing me down and may get me to come back to The Business soon.

She may be right. We've actually been "talking" for several months now, but most of it was just trivial chit chat. When I first stormed out of work in what seems like an eternity ago, I absolutely wanted nothing to do with her, and wouldn't pick up any of her calls.

But after a few months when I had gotten over it, we started chatting again. We both figured out the secret was to totally NOT discuss anything to do with work. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy chatting with Audrey. She may be a two-faced, lying, cheating, and stealing whore - BUT she's a very friendly and interesting two-faced, lying, cheating and stealing whore.

Keep in mind that I've known this woman for my entire career in erotic massage. It's not easy to just say I'm never going to speak to someone, but it is easy to say I'm never setting foot in that door again. In fact, I've said that many a time - and often in a very loud and slightly screechy voice too. So continuing to talk to Audrey every now and then was never really a big deal to me.

Now to you guys out there, it's a different story. I would be lying if I didn't think talking about her would make me sound hypocritical or whatever. That's why I never brought it up till now. I knew some of you would give me shit for being weak and not sticking to my guns, etc. So that's why I've finally decided to confess it now.

And partly because I've been thinking seriously about going back to work for her. The little "problem" that resulted in me walking out has been gone for a long time now. Audrey learned her lesson and I made my point. This also means that I can finally get around to explaining why I left The Business.

But I think I'll save that story for after Thanksgiving dinner. Right now let me just admit that going independent was pretty damn rough on all aspects of my life. My schedule was unpredictable. The money was either feast or famine. A couple of times I feared for my safety because of the customer, or just the location. And a big reason was probably the slow erosion of my personal boundaries and self esteem. After all this time on my own, I started to feel less and less like a masseuse and more like a whore.

Well maybe not so much a whore as whore-light. But either way, it got to the point where I absolutely dreaded each new appointment. I mean at first, it was fun. I felt liberated. I felt free. I loved the feeling of knowing that I could now do whatever I wanted and live by MY rules instead of Audrey's. But eventually it degenerated into a daily struggle over how much of my self-respect will I auction off today.

The first appointments on my own were actually really fun for me. No clock watching. No reason to be hush-hush. No worrying about getting caught by Audrey bending a rule.

By the time I had my little breakdown, each session felt like torture. No you can't put that there. Get that out of my eye. Are you through yet? You're getting too rough. That hurts. Suddenly I wanted a clock to watch. I wanted these guys to settle down. I wanted someone elses "rules" I could hide behind. To put it quite plainly, I wanted The Business back.

And I think Audrey figured it out during the course of our occasional telephone calls. So she eventually asked if I wanted to come back, and I told her I'd think about it. I mean, it's hardly a done deal. There are a LOT of changes that need to be made first before I'll come back. But we'll see. I know Trina misses me.

But mostly I want to come back because of the hours. You try meeting a customer on his back porch at exactly 7:55 a.m. after parking your car 2 blocks away behind the Taco Bell. That got old real quick.

CJ

The Tale of the Naughty Nurse

2011-11-02T16:18:00.004-04:00

One of my best friends is a nurse we'll call Eve. She's in my "inner circle" and kinda knows what I do for a living. Now when I say "kinda" it's because she knows about the happy ending part, but not much more. I think she's under the impression that I do it in a bikini, and occasionally topless. I've never bothered to correct her because she's really the kind who's not interested in all the sorded details. In fact, when we do talk, it's usually about her, or the husband, or the dog, or the nursing job, or whatever.

So a couple months ago we're talking about how crappy our careers are and how the economy sucks and how she wishes she was earning way more money. Then somehow the conversation turned to me...

"Oh I only wish I made your kind of money," Eve said. "$500 for an hours work. I can only imagine."

I looked at her funny and tried to correct her. "Uhhhh... I don't make THAT kind of money. I mean maybe once there was a guy who..."

"You are sooooooooo lucky dear!" she interrupted. "I wish I could just shake my tits for a few minutes and have guys pay me like that." (I think I grinded me teeth over that) "But it's that handjob thing that gets me. I mean, I don't know you can do it. I mean with a stranger or whatever. Eww."

I knew where this was going because we had little discussions like this before. So I didn't stop her.

"What I would really like to do is be a dominatrix."

Now THAT was the last thing I ever expected our of her mouth. In fact, I made her repeat it.

"Yes, you heard me right. I want to spank rich guys and have them pay me $500 an hour." Then she kinda looked dreamy when she added "I'd look sexy in a little leather teddy and high heels... Oh yeah..."

I didn't even know where to start with her on this one. I mean, she's led such a sheltered life that her entire knowledge of domination is probably from bad Lifetime movies. So should I correct her on the $500 an hour, or maybe start with the outfit? Heels are awful when you need to leverage a tied up body around. And leather stains too easily from bodily fluids - latex is easier to clean and much more durable...

"CJ... Are you listening to me? Can you hook me up with some of your rich friends?" She used her fingers to make quotation signs when she said "friends." I didn't mind because I'm sure she would have said "Johns" otherwise.

I took a deep breath. Eve really exasperates me sometimes. Anyway, I've told you guys about my friend Wanda. She's not just a professional domme, it's a total lifestyle. Heck - she had her own live-in slave!!!

[Which by the way, is not what you think... her slave wasn't a leather clad mute from Pulp Fiction. She was actually a very nice girl who basically did whatever Wanda told her - which consisted mostly of household chores, maintaining a job and taking care of her own finances. Sorry guys - no wild sex stories involving leather teddy's and whips here.]

So needless to say, I tried to discourage Eve. First off, I had no intention of setting her up with ANY of my Regulars. And second, I really doubted she could learn anything from my friend Wanda. And third, Wanda probably wants nothing to do with a girl who thinks domination is nothing more than stocking your very expensive high heels into the crotch of a rich business man.

Either Eve wasn't listening to me, or she had her mind set - I don't know. But she still talks about how she's gonna make that move from nurse to dominatrix. I suggested she transition slowly into the world of domination/submission, like maybe through customer service or telemarketing. You know what her idea of "research" was? Buying a collar at the local adult boutique.

"Uh Eve... You know a domme wouldn't wear that, right?"

"But it looks so hot on me!"

If she only knew.

How 'bout them Eagles?

2011-10-27T23:49:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure when this place turned into a total discussion about infidelity, but somehow it has. I blame myself because this is what happens when I keep my mouth shut and don't write as often as I should. So in a way, you guys picked the topic.

Now I've stated quite clearly how I feel about infidelity, and I don't know if there's anything more I can say on the subject. Yes, I believe that what I do is not cheating on my significant other. But I do consider it cheating if he saw an erotic masseuse. I don't consider that hypocritical, because it's my definition and it works for me. And what works for me is my own business, and probably doesn't work for most people. I never said it would.

And for those of you who are 100% positive on how the world works and how I should be defined, you can go fuck yourselves.

Let's face it, to do what I do for a living you have to a have a slightly twisted take on what is "normal." And when you think about it, it's really no different than what the rest of us do with our lives. For example, one of my best friends is a nurse and what's "normal" for her is for people to die. I don't know about you guys, but when I think about it - it's totally fucked up that a dead body can be a normal part of your work day.

On the flip side of that, she thinks that taking off your clothes and giving a total stranger a handjob is fucked up. Go figure. What she considers insane, I call my 2 o'clock. And the same thing goes for everyone out there reading this. If you worked in McDonald's, your "normality" would revolve around fried kangaroo meat and shit stained bathrooms.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all need to keep an open mind around here. My purpose in telling you people all about the wackiness in my life is just to entertain and educate. I give men massages followed by a happy ending, and each week I write about how I delivered my latest one. And that's pretty much it. So I'm still kinda surprised when someone out there gets shocked by anything I have to say.

In other words, if you don't like stories with a happy ending, you're in the wrong place. And that's all I have to say on that. I promise to get back to some stories next time. In fact, I have something funny to say about my nurse friend.

And Even More Answers...

2011-10-15T23:43:00.010-04:00

When I offered you guys to ask whatever you wanted, I wasn't expecting what happened. Apparently, the comments section became a whole discussion on infidelity and the role I may or may not play in it. For those of you who don't normally read the comments, I strongly suggest you read the section here.

I'm not going to repeat the whole thing here, but some very interesting points are brought up. I suggest you read the comments there before catching up here. Now this subject is something that I can't do justice to in a single post, so I may address this more seriously later. But for now, I'll just continue with the questions so I can finally catch up...

Anonymous said...
Well I hate to admit I became the VICTIM of a cheating husband who visited parlors. Let me be clear and say we've always had a great marriage and super sex. Basically anyway he wanted it anytime, anywhere. So imagine my surprise when I discovered his visits to these places. My anger, hurt and ultimately devastation led me to look up and search for where these places were in my area and how many and I discovered your blog. I gotta say I am shocked at your nonchalanonce about this and your commenters defending you by saying if the wives kept there husbands happy they wouldn't look for this. What about the wives at home working their fingers to the bone to keep happy house happy kids and happy very happy husband? Why are some of you ignoring te fact that this is illegal, immoral and devastating to families especially te children who lose their fathers? Why are you CJ proud and blatantly so non caring about the families that are destroyed? I don't know you and by no means want to direct my anger towards you because the fault lies mostly w the husbands but explain to me why this is ok to you. My words are gonna be harsh but this is prostitution, end if story. Ok your not having sex w them but their climaxing between your fucking tits and ass? Something thyself supposed to be reserved for the great wives who give their husbands everything they need n want sexually. Don't you feel bad at all? Moneys one thing but what about the devastation you cause once your finished wiping what number 10 of the days jiz off ur face? What about the wife who is at home with a hot meal waiting for him and a blowjob to boot... On the dick that was just up ur ass? No guilt? No feelings of hey, I wouldn't want to be his wife and what would I do if I was... Again I don't know you personally and as you can probably tell am a writer also, which can I add it you are a fantastic writer.. It wasn't so much your stories that dragged me in but your writing. Anyway, I don't know you personally but what goes around comes around. Your going to fall in love, head over heels, your gonna settle down give up this horrible job you do have children and one day look at your husbands credit card and see a parlor on there. Maybe worse- catch him with a GF or a hooker. What then CJ? How will u feel CJ when u hav to explain to your crushed children that daddies not coming home bc he broke a promise to mommy and broke her heart. Just food for thought, I hope I did my best in not making this against you but more of a hey help me out with this. Help me understand. I'll look for a reply for I guess a little while, I hope I see one from you women to women. Thanks for your time and I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy. Maybe the next time you have some guys dick in your face in his wives bedroom, looking at his kids pictures you'll think of me and the broken families this leaves. :(

I have talked about this subject before and my thoughst on this have not changed. So let me state once again that I regard the use of my services by married men as cheating. Period. Even though what takes place in session is pretty much mechanical and does not include any emotions, it doesn't change the fact that vows have been broken.

So why do I see so many married men as clients? It's one of the ugly sides of the business, and perhaps the worst thing about it to me. And if I had my way, I wouldn't see any married customers at all. But fact of the matter is I can't screen them all out, and they make up most of my income. I'm not proud of it, and sometimes I'll tell the guys what I think. But it's bad for business and what I do is business. I like to think of it as the guy at the gas station that sells cigarettes. It's a dirty nasty habit that kills people, but he sells it anyway.

This is one of the reasons why I won't date a customer. It's hard to respect a guy who goes to someone like me for a handjob. If I discovered that Derek had been to an Asian massage parlor, I would consider that cheating on me and I'd probably dump him. Is that hypocritical of me? Maybe. I just know that the man I'm with isn't allowed to see other women - and that includes handjobs. Shit - I don't like it when Derek goes to a strip club with his friends.

So to you, the disrespected wife, I say that I do think of the wives and the families and the kids. And I feel bad about what your husband is doing. It's cheating and it's disrespectful. And I am fully aware that the price of each and every happy ending may include divorce if he's caught. But at the end of every day, it's not my marriage or vows that have been broken. And that's what I need to accept if I'm going to go to work every day. Am I a cheating enabler? Yes. I know and accept that. And yes it sucks and makes me feel like crap sometimes.

Now before you crucify me for being a lying, cheating harlot, how many of you out there are in sucky jobs doing things for people that you don't agree with? Does your store sell cigarettes or booze? Is your boss a thief? Does your company do shady shit? It all boils down to what do we need to do to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads. And when I think about it, I don't think I've ever called myself a paragon of virtue or even a role model.

Anonymous said...
What would you say is the averaged size penis.

About 6 inches. Based on empirical evidence. A LOT of empirical evidence.

Anonymous said...
Look, I have no problem that you choose to be a prostitute for a living, however, I am a real massage therapist that HATES it when I have to jump through hoops to prove that I am not a prostitute because of how you market yourself (as a massage therapist instead of a prostitue). It should be completely separate verbage as to what you call your profession than trying to pull off a true massage therapist that is in this profession to heal people. You are the type that makes it really hard for us to gain a reputable name and living. Do us a favor and go get a porn license and stop marketing yourself as a massage therapist. I am having to go infront of a city counsel next week to prove I am a real therapist so I can open a wellness store. Thanks for making my profession so damn hard.

I'm not sure what your question is, but I believe me when I say I understand your sentiment. You think you have it tough. Try explaining to a customer that you'll jerk his dick, but you absolutely refuse to suck it. I blame those fucking whore houses for giving massage parlors a bad name.

Anonymous said...
HAY CJ I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU EVER THINK ABOUT YOUR DAD CHEATING ON YOUR MOM WITH SOME SKANKY HO LIKE URSELF. IS IT HARD TO LIE TO YOURSELF ABOUT NOT BEING A SELF CENTERED PIG HO OR IS IT MORE OF A MASOCHISTIC THING WHERE U THINK U DESERVE IT? ALSO CONGRATS ON FINDING YOUR TRUE USE IN SOCIETY-ACTING HOW YOUR PAID TO ACT SO I CAN JIZZ

No not really. They got divorced when I was baby, so I don't think about what he did or what he's up to now. But thank you for the question!

And I think that ends it for Q&A 6. This got way more intense that I thought it could.

Answers 6 - Part 1

2011-10-10T22:18:00.004-04:00

Damn you guys ask a lot of questions. But I guess I can only blame myself for not talking to you guys sooner. So I'll get as far as I can now and answer the rest later.

1) Why did you leave the business?

Long story, and one that I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with telling. In fact, telling it is part of the "Therapy" that Eric prescribed for me.

2) How do you keep what you do from derek? Most guys like to visit at work, etc.
Since going independent, it's been a non-issue. I've been telling him that I've been doing in-home hair and massage for my mom's friends. I think he's been laying off with any questions because he knows it's a touchy subject.

3) Is Derek still wanting you to get married?
LOL - It was kinda meant as a joke, so it's died down a bit now that I'm making money again.

With what you do being so lucrative, why don't you ever seem to have any money?
It depends on how many customers you can see on a regular basis that determines how steady your income is. Sure, I may get the occasional $500 session, but if it's only once a month, then it suddenly doesn't sound so great. When I was still back at The Business, I could count on a steady stream of $100 topless sessions on a daily basis.

And another thing - I may be earning way less money now, but I'm not exactly broke. I absolutely positively refuse to touch what I have in savings. In my mind, that money is meant to keep me afloat when I'm ready to retire my massage table. So digging into it in this time of my life has always been a sign of failure. As long as it's there and untouched, I know that I'll be OK. And let me tell you, I came pretty damn close to cashing it in a few times recently...

1. You mentioned hitting rock bottom in an earlier post and receiving needed therapy from your friend Eric. What did you confess to him of doing to clients or letting be done to you?
I knew you guys would get around to asking this and I've been preparing myself mentally to answer it. To be blunt, I let a customer finger fuck me. It fucked with my head in ways I didn't expect and couldn't explain. At that point, I had never felt so ashamed of anything I've ever done before - and that's saying a lot for a girl who's done double customers, facials, submission, etc.

That other stuff was just fun in comparison - this was just plain outright whoring. That's when I stopped writing, stopped talking to friends, almost broke up with Derek, and thought of emptying my savings account. It was really that bad for me, and served as my wake up moment to start turning things around.

How old are you, really?
Early 30's now. I think I was 28 or 29 when I started this damn blog thing.

Please comment on the differences in ejaculations between older and younger men.
More volume and distance with younger guys.

Did I promise to answer everything or what?

How much are you charging and how does it compare with what people paid at the business? Are you typically getting tips on top of your fee?
I'm not so much getting tips as I am charging a flat fee. My customers now are all Regulars, so we've pretty much already established how much per session.

On average I'm making more per customer than I did at The Business, but that's because these are guys who know what they want and have the ability to see me regularly. However, I'm waaaaaay less busy than I was before.

I've been curious about Techno-Nerd Eric from the beginning. How is it this guy knows about your work, and do you (or have you) 'compensated' him for his help
My Techno-Nerd Eric was dating a friend of mine. But we got along better way more than they did, so I ended up inheriting him when they finally broke up. I haven't spoken to her in years, but Eric and I have been BFF's ever since.

He doesn't live around here, so he ended being my confidant by nature of the fact that I don't often see him face to face. So confessing things to him over the phone came easily. Now he knows pretty much everything about me.

We kinda lost contact over the last few months after I left The Business, but I turned to him when things got bad and now he's been helping me get back on my feet.

And no - he's never had a "session" with me! I think I'd be too embrassed to try one. We've joked about it, but in the end I don't think he could ever get naked in front of me (forgive me Eric!).

Congratulations CJ on gaining some control with the table. I think the next step for more control is to limit the release to hands only. You can offer topless or nude sessions if you're comfortable with your customer. Please stay safe!
Basically, I've just learned to use the word "no" more often. So now I've been pretty much limiting happy endings to hand, butt, and breast releases.

Why so reluctant to tell anyone you're dating what you do, straight-up? (I mean, third date, sure...) What if they momentarily freaked out but then were cool about it? It would make your life a lot easier. :) It seems like Derek would probably understand if you told him.
I've gone over this before, and very early in the blog. Telling a guy what you do NEVER works out. They're cool with it for a little while, then one day it suddenly turns ugly. Happens EVERY time.

Hey CJ! What would Derek do/say if he found out what your job really consists of?
I've been dreading that recently because I really like this guy. But I think he'd handle it really badly and end up dumping me. For real. He's not nearly as "worldly" as other guys I've dated. I mean, he doesn't go to strrip clubs, or bachelor parties. Shit - he's embarassed to admit he watches porno. So I think he wouldn't take it well at all.

Have you ever had an orgasm while working? How?

Yes - I did a whole story about it here...

Fuck - Marry - Kill:

1. George Clooney
2. Tom Hanks
3. Mel Gibson

That's sooooo easy. Fuck George, Marry Tom, and Kill Mel. Give me a tough one!

Have you considered applying for work at an AMP? It would seem to have the structured rules that you and your clients now require. Non-asian girls do exist at a couple of places in MA/RI. Are you capable of letting go of the rigid generalizations you've made about these places in the past.
The ones around here do not hire local girls. The girls are all driven in from NYC. That's not my opinion, that was in the police reports from when the were busted. Also, I can't tell you how many girls I've interviewed while working at The Business who said they were turned away from the AMPs because they weren't "their" girls.

Glad you're feeling better. I really enjoy reading your blogs. I'm in the area and go to AMPs about once a month or so. Answer me this:

Is it normal for a guy to not be hard at all during the massage and when the flip comes? I'm early 30s and by no means have ED (yet) and I have a GF who I see on the weekends (she lives out of state). So I get laid pretty regularly but like to get polished off once and a while. I feel like these ladies expect me to be hard and ready when the time comes. Most usually just grab my junk and then I'm good to go. But recently I had one woman kinda just look at me and gensture "well get ready".

I guess if I was a 50+ guy who didnt get laid from his wife this would be like a super exciting situation to have a lady half naked rubbing you down but for me, I'm not excited until she touches it.

This is not usual at all. In fact, it's more common for the guy not to be hard when it's time for the happy ending. The woman who gave you the (ahem) hard time was not very professional.

1) How often does someone take you up on the "You provide the clothing for me to wear as long as the tags are still attached" offer?

Except for 1 guy, It's not nearly as popular with the Regulars I've been seeing lately, but back at The Business, I'd get a lingerie request a couple times a month.

2) What has happened to The Business Establishment since you left it?
Once again - long story and I will get to it.

3) Do you like "mood music" when you are working?
Of course - I bring a boombox, or at the very least CD's of what we call "spa" music. At The Business, we had satellite radio so we could listen to relaxing music. Most requested music type - country. Hardly relaxing.

4) What was the most unexpected, yet appreciated, gift you ever got from any client?
Diamond earrings.

5) You are President for one week, what one thing would you like to accomplish?
Abolish all sex laws. Honestly, everyone has sex, but as soon as $$$ enters the equation it becomes a giant problem that must be controlled, hunted down and stopped. Give me a break.

I recall in an earlier post you described your Oscar winning performance of video recording the HE with a client and ending the session with the peace sign. However you also briefly talked about other sessions which were recorded but you didn't elaborate about those moments. Were they worth a leading actress award?
Always! I actually enjoy fussing with the lighting in the room and the camera angles. Sometimes it's to avoid capturing my face, but it also helps if the visuals capture the best parts of me and the action. Heck - I've even come up with dialog with some of them!

The thing to remember, CJ, is that anonymous #5 who left a comment telling you that you are something bad is really just some small person who gets some miniscule amount of satisfaction for themself by treating other people poorly. I am sure that you know that already, but it helps to remind yourself of that as you are reading them. :) Best wishes! -Mondo
Thanks Mondo! That shit really doesn't really bother me anymore.

What is your advice to a wife whose husband has been using your extra services and options and has thier heart, trust, and security broken?
He obviously doesn't deserve your trust and I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way. I don't like seeing married men and I do consider what they do as cheating. But if it helps any, what goes on in the room is totally mechanical and devoid of emotion. At work I do not consider myself a "girlfriend" or "mistress" to any of the customers. I know that doesn't justify any of their behavior but it's that detachment that helps me to deal with it. It's probably the crappiest part of being in this line of work.

I've been dying to hear the story about you leaving the business. This should give you plenty of opportunities to bad-mouth Audry. That's got to be good therapy for you, too.
You're absolutely right - it is part of my therapy and I'll get to it when I'm feeling comfortable enough. And believe it or not, there may not be as much Audrey bashing as you'd think.

can you repost the famous pictures of you, trina, and cindy?
Nope - sorry. Got way too close to getting discovered after that.

Can you please, please show us your breasts?

Look at my pic and imagine the rest!

How do you pay Eric for his help? :)

My undying gratitude! That and I promised him half of whatever money he can scrounge up by turning this into HBO series.

What was your best memory of the business? Out of the times and experiences you had there, you had to have one day that was one that stood out as one of the best.

I miss working with my friends, particularly back when Cindy and Trina and were there and everything was just fun and games. Heck - that's probably way back before Cindy became an addict. Back then coming to work was a party.

Did you ever go full service with any clients since leaving the business.
If you consider the finger fucking incident as full service, then I guess so.

you said you are doing clients because you need the money. Um, can you discuss your budget?
You are single, no kids, you should be swimming in cash.
Well nowadays it's just enough to pay rent, truck, food, clothes, and cell phone. I have to admit that my real weakness is my truck. I probably shouldn't be driving anything that big and expensive, but I can't help it. There's just something about a little girl driving a big truck that I get off on and cannot let go of.

Well guys, I'm going to end it here for now. But I promise to get to the rest - I owe it to you guys. Maybe this weekend. Thanks for helping me with my therapy!

Questions and Answers 6

2011-10-01T00:34:00.004-04:00

My "therapy" as prescribed by Eric the Techno-Nerd, has been working. I feel much better about and more comfortable with my new situation. Just switching to a massage table seems to have made me feel like I'm in more control of my sessions. And since then I've managed to motivate myself to actually talk about funny stuff again. I've even started answering my email.

But I've been really bad about responding to comments. I have to admit that it kinda got intimidating after a while, and I really didn't feel like responding to Anonymous #5 who thinks I'm a whore. So now I'm going to give you a guys another chance to ask whatever you want and I swear I will answer every question.

So if I didn't answer any pressing questions from the last several weeks, now's the time to ask them. I figure this will help me get back on track and caught up on things.

Tales From the Massage Table

2011-09-27T22:53:00.004-04:00

You guys would be proud of me. I actually dusted off my old massage table and busted it out of my mom's basement. I was surprised - it's still in pretty good shape considering how long it's been retired.

I needed it for 2 reasons. First, I actually got an appointment for a legit therapeutic massage. Friend of Derek's mom. Second, I'm trying to move away from the the bedtop massage. And this leads me to 2 funny stories.

Derek's mom's friend was a pity appointment. I knew it, but I didn't mind. I figured it was a good chance to practice some of my therapy techniques, break in the old table, and who knows - it could lead to more legit business if she spreads the word to her friends. And at this point in my career, business is business.

"Alice" was in her 60's. A rather large woman who was no stranger to massage, so she knew exactly what she wanted. She came across as a little bossy, which annoyed me a bit because she knew she was getting this session at a bargain rate.

And no - I didn't take my top off out of habit.

But we did start talking about the local massage scene. She even mentioned a few girls I went to school with. And it was when I had been lulled into a false sense of security that she asked if I used to work at The Business.

"Yeah... I left that place a while ago and... uh..." Oh shit. Busted. Fucked. Cat out of the bag.

Alice laughed. "That's OK dear. I won't tell anyone." Not only did she know about The Business, but personally knew a couple of our clients, and even knew Audrey in a friend-of-a-friend kinda way. Small world.

Now Alice was my first use of the un-retired massage table. "Andy" was my first non-therapeutic use. I was worried at first about how he would react, but I had made up my mind and knew I had to start somewhere and it may as well be with him. At first he was a little ticked when I showed up at his place lugging that thing up the steps, but he calmed down when he realized he was still getting a happy ending.

We did a standard 1 hour nude session, and I had almost forgotten what a joy it was to work with a table that was at the PERFECT height. No more fatigue in the arms from over-reaching, or cramps in the legs from kneeling on soft mattresses. And no more problems with leverage when applying pressure to certain massage points. This table was MEANT for massage.

But not meant for breast releases. And Andy wanted to finish with one. I really wanted to keep him on the table, so I had him stay on his back and I would lean over him. And like I said, the table was the perfect height for a massage done at arms length, not for leaning over and wrapping your tits around an erection.

But I tried - and boy was it awkward. I couldn't get the angle right without my calves cramping up, so his breast release turned into more of a hand release inside my cleavage. Andy wasn't complaining, so I just did the switch and stopped pretending. When he began to cum, I tried to angle his cock so it was pointing at my right breast. I was not expecting a violent ejaculation, so when he basically exploded in between my breasts, I turned my head to avoid the splash. When the gush (for lack of a better word) ended, I had semen on both tits AND both arms.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized there was nothing on my face or neck. I cleaned up quickly and thanked Andy for being a good sport about me springing the massage table on him. He actually said he enjoyed it because the massage was better. Hmmmm... Maybe this will work out after all.

I left Andy's place and went straight to Derek's. We were going to a movie and I wasn't going to have time to head home and shower. I cleaned myself up pretty good, so I didn't give it much thought as I walked in and kissed Derek hello.

He gave me a funny look and said "So... is there something you want to tell me?"

I didn't know what he was getting at, but almost instinctively, I reached up to my hair with my right hand. It was a giant gooey mess. I'm talking "There's something about Mary" gooey.

So what do you do when you're standing in front of your boyfriend with your hand coated in another man's jizz dripping from your hair? You give him your biggest smile and say "Ohhhhhhhh - that must be popsicle from Terry's kids. I stopped by just before I came here and one of them must have stuck his popsicle in my hair." Then you make a beeline for the bathroom and pray he has no curiosity about the flavor of the "popsicle" you're about to scrub off.

Now I can't wait to see what my 3rd session will bring me with that damn table.

Therapy

2011-09-21T23:13:00.003-04:00

Wow - I feel better. I feel better after talking to Eric. I feel better after writing that last entry. I feel better after taking a few days off. I totally thank him for being right - I needed to start at the bottom so I could start start moving up.

I haven't even looked at the damn computer for a couple days now. I re-read my last stuff today and let me tell ya - that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. Sure I've done humiliating things before in the name of "work." But then sitting down and describing it in detail for lots of strangers to criticize? HOLY SHIT. If that's what therapy is like, then it works.

And it took that moment for me to actually start remembering some other stuff that you guys might actually find funny. I think I had gotten so depressed, that nothing else seemed to matter anymore. But now I feel pretty good and promise to try to cheer up and get back to what this blog is all about - funny stories about weird shit that happens around me.

And on a side note, I've been reading all the comments and taking them to heart. Thank you to all the guys that have said things to try to cheer me up. I'm sorry if I'm not replying to each of you individually. I have been trying to catch up on e-mail though. And thanks for all the advice you've been passing on. I've taken some of it to heart.

Eric has agreed to look into compiling the last couple years of all this crap and trying to put together an e-book, or whatever you call it. I don't have the time, or the patience (or the english skills) to try to make some sort of sense of all my ramblings. But he said he's willing to give it a try.

And finally, you guys will be happy to hear that I'm now sticking up for myself and not saying "yes" to anything for a buck. Two bucks maybe, but a single buck? Hey - I still have standards.

"No Where To Go From Here But Up"

2011-09-18T00:08:00.011-04:00

The other day I had a talk with my Techno-nerd Eric, and that's what he said to me. I called him up and said I was seriously thinking of giving up the blog. When he asked "Why?" I said "don't you read this thing?" He said "not recently" so I told him to "Go fuck yourself."

Eventually things settled down and he admitted that he was getting worried about me. He asked what I really meant by "rock bottom" and that's when I clammed up. I realized I was in some sort of pit of depression that I couldn't climb out of. Eric suggested that to get out of this pit that I had dug for myself I should just start at the bottom and work my way up. So for the next couple of hours, I basically told him in gory detail everything that I've done (or had done to me) for the last couple of months.

He said the less I wanted to admit something, the more healing it would be. So I didn't hold anything back. And you know what? He was right. I actually felt a lot better about everything when we were done. Eric didn't pass judgement. He didn't comment. And he didn't really agree or disagree with anything I said. He just listened, and would encourage me when he thought I was leaving something out, or not being totally honest. And yes - I did try to avoid a LOT of things.

When we were done he said it looks like I have quite a bit of things to write about now. "But where to start?" I asked. He said to start at the bottom. It could only get easier from there.

So there I was. Naked on my knees in front of "Roger." We were in his bedroom. His wife was gone for the morning, so we didn't have much time. Roger had been a pain in the ass ever since I arrived at his place. Kept saying things like "So what'll I get for any extra $100?"

I said "My undying gratitude." But after the 5th time it was starting to get on my nerves. The massage was quick, which didn't matter because he was itching to get to the happy ending before his wife came home. That extra $100 kept weighing on my mind all during the session. But the shit he wanted me to do just wasn't worth it. By the time we reached the end of our hour, I figured there wasn't much else he could bug me about.

Then he said it. "How about a facial?"

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not a total prude. With boyfriends I've done my share of cum play. I'll even lick that shit slowly off my fingers, if the mood strikes me. Under the right circumstances a facial can be erotic, arousing, and if done properly, even a tiny bit humiliating. But at work, it's usually just that - work. A facial means I'll need extra time to wash my hair, and in some cases a stinging red eye.

I was meeting my mother for lunch right after this session, and I knew that the last thing Roger was interested in was letting me shower off at his place when we were done. But he kept pressuring me and I really needed the money.

Of course I needed the money. I always need the money. It's the story of my life and the root of all my problems.

Anyway, we started arguing over the details. I usually control the facial by performing the handjob myself. That way I can direct the cum where I want it, and thus preventing collateral damage to my hair and eyes. But Roger wouldn't budge and insisted on doing it himself. After a while I just got sick of arguing and that's when I uttered my famous line "Go ahead, just don't get it in my eyes."

I knelt in front of him while Roger started jerking his cock. Now have you every really watched a guy jerking off from really up close? It's not a pretty sight. The motion itself is just sort of violent and nasty at the same time. And on top of that he's sweaty from our session, and not in great shape, AND he smells. The look on his face as he's trying to cum is almost scary, so I focus my attention elsewhere.

Behind him on the walls are pictures of his wife and kids. I can see her dresser with a pile of folded shirts on top of it, waiting to be put away. There's a fancy looking clock which I guess is a gift of some kind. A small flat panel TV is perched on a stand facing the bed. They probably watch the Late Show on it before they go to bed. I wonder if the kids have TV's in their rooms too. Personally I don't think kids should have TV's in their own rooms since it'll only distract them from their homework.

I feel the semen hitting me on the cheeks, nose, forehead, lips. I squeeze my eyes shut just in time to prevent me from reassuring my mother that I really don't have pink eye. I don't have to look in a mirror to see if there's any in my hair. I just know there is.

Roger grunts a few compliments like "You're so hot" while I'm feeling around for something to wipe my face with. It doesn't matter what he says at this point. I just want my money and to get the fuck outta there. I'm going to be late for mom's now.

So there I was, kneeling naked in front of a married man, in his wife's bedroom with pictures of his family staring at me while cum drips down my face that I starting thinking that if I just fucked him, there would be no mess to clean up and I'd be on time for lunch. That's when I realized I had hit rock bottom.

Rock Bottom

2011-09-11T00:52:00.003-04:00

I don't like doing this anymore.

I think that's obvious considering how often I update nowadays. It's not that I don't have the time anymore. In fact, I probably have too much time on my hands. It's just that every time I sit down to write something, I get embarassed or even depressed over anything I have to say.

This started off with my "confessions" over some of the wacky shit that happens to me at The Business. But now that I'm independent, everything has changed. The one thing I considered constant in all that's happened is Me - "CJ." Whatever I had to talk about, it was about my take on all the insanity that was going on around me. I've always considered my stories not so much about me, but about everything else. I was the one thing that remained constant.

But now it feels that all that is out the window. At least when I was working within the walls of The Business, there were rules and I knew what to expect and people knew what to expect of me. Today it feels like there are no rules and I have to constantly adapt to my new situation.

Part of the problem - to be totally honest - is that my clients expect more from me. Outside The Business, they think anything goes. I've had some customers for years who always asked for the exact same thing in session. But when we move things to a new location like a hotel room, they're asking for blowjobs, fingering, going down on me, etc. I mean, it's always been the same me - it's just the room that's changed. What makes you think I'm going to say "yes" now?

Well for starters, there is no Audrey looking over my shoulder. At first I thought it would be a sense of relief to go independent - and it was. But then I realized that guys weren't just following my rules, they were following the rules of The Business. Something about a storefront and a sign that makes guys want to obey the rules.

Then there's the money. I'm making more per client, but my numbers are no where near what I had before. So now I'm, for lack of a better word, desperate. There, I said it. I need the money, and suddenly I'm blaming myself for being "uptight." What's the problem if a customer wants to stick a couple fingers up my pussy. It's just for a few seconds, right? That's the deal. Two fingers. I'll moan a little bit to make him happy, then it'll be over. Car payment made.

THAT is the kind of shit I've been tortured with over the last couple of months. So now do you blame me for not wanting to sit down at the end of a day and share my latest adventure with you? Before, a typical story was a guy wearing women's underwear. Today it's how I spent 45 minutes convincing myself NOT to let a customer go down on me. Or how my last argument ended with the words "Fine. Just don't get any in my eye."

Now it's all about me and I don't like it.

Update

2011-08-19T23:34:00.002-04:00

I've tried on and off to update you guys on what's going on over the last couple of weeks. One of the new problems I have is getting unsupervised access to a computer. You see, since quitting The Business, I've been spending more and more of my free time at Derek's. He feeds me and he has cable TV. The downside is I have to wait for him to go to sleep before I can hop on his laptop. And I feel that it's just weird for me to hang out at his place when he's not there.

Going independent isn't all it's cracked up to be. I finally caught up on all the comments from the last 2 weeks. Some of you suggested I get my own office space, and I agree that wouldn't be a bad idea. The problem is money.

You see, since leaving The Business I went from several appointments and walk-ins a week to just a handful. I do get more per session now, but back at The Business, I was seeing way more customers. My sessions now aren't as ala carte as they used to be. My Regulars just kinda offer me a fixed amount with a vague agreement of what I will or won't do. So basically I'm pretty broke, and being broke does not help in establishing clear and strict boundaries. I'm not proud of this.

For example, I had a session last week that I think bumped me up to your freshman year girlfriend. It was one of my more loyal Regulars, so I'm more relaxed and trusting around this customer than most. Well, he wanted a thigh release. For you newbies out there, a thigh release is where I clamp my legs together and the guy slides his cock between my thighs. It's pretty much as close to fucking as you can get.

Well, I haven't done that in a while, but I agreed. I obviously forgot why I stopped. You see, he wanted to do it missionary style which meant his naked body on top of mine. Now during a standard happy ending, I can detach myself from the handjob. Only my hand is in contact with the customer, and the motions are pretty mechanical to the point where I can mentally balance my checkbook at the same time I'm bringing a guy to orgasm. But a missionary style thigh release is pretty much all the nasty, dirty and sweaty bits of fucking without the actual penetration.

I felt his body on top of mine. I felt the thrusts and could see the look on his face. I could feel his heavy breaths on my face. And when he finally came, I was expecting him to simulate cumming inside me by just thrusting down and staying there so the semen goes between my legs and into the sheets. But instead, he pulled out and jerked himself off all over my stomach. Then he collapsed on top of me - just like a high-school boyfriend. So there we were in a sticky, sweaty heap on his bed. It was so bad I asked to use his shower which I never do.

And this led to the most guilt I've felt in a while. I mean I was pretty much just inches away from full service. And for me it was all the sensations and consequence of actual fucking. I felt guilty and dirty about what happened. I felt the closest I've ever felt to cheating on Derek - and that says a lot considering what I do for a living.

Freak of the Week - Me

2011-08-04T21:11:00.003-04:00

Hey guys. I know it's been a while. Since I've gone independent, it's not that I'm busier - in fact it's quite the opposite. It's just that things have kinda moved in a direction I wasn't expecting and I really didn't want to talk about it.

But this whole blog thing is supposed to be about me "confessing," right? Well, confessing about what customers do is one thing, but confessing about what I do is something else.

And that has been the problem lately.

You see, I've always gotten a kick outta telling stories about the guys that came into The Business. And as far as I was concerned, it was never really about me since I pretty much did what I always do:

1) Take off clothes
2) Massage
3) Happy Ending

It was the customers that would mix it up and make things interesting. Now that I'm not at The Business anymore, the dynamic has changed. I no longer have to follow my script, watch a clock, or obey Audrey's rules. In fact, whatever happens between 2 consenting adults in a room all by themselves is perfectly OK - right?

And this is the problem I've been having lately. My outcall sessions have become less like erotic massage and more like (for lack of a better word) dates. And if that sounds creepy it's because it is. I mean it's fine when a session is pure business (see steps 1-3 above), but when a personal component gets added, it can be uncomfortable (i.e. "I brought a bottle of wine...").

A couple of times now, the guys have combined dinner with their sessions. Now don't get me wrong - I love Olive Garden as much as the next girl - but it starts to get awkward when I have to make another excuse to Derek WHY I'm busy again at night, and WHY I smell like garlic.

And that's another thing - my schedule has become mostly a night one. At The Business, we got all the walk-ins during the day between the truckers, traveling salesmen, and the lunch crowd. With my best Regulars, it's local guys who have had the ability to see me on a routine basis. And hotel rooms are much easier to get in the afternoons than the mornings...

Then there's the sessions themselves. When there's no more clock watching, the guys want to take their sweet time getting started. I don't mind small talk, but get those damn clothes off and let's get to business! And even the most straightlaced of the bunch now wants me to do a striptease, or put on some lingerie, or whatever - stuff they never asked for at The Business.

And finally, there are the cuddlers. Right after their happy ending, they want to just "...cuddle for a minute." Well, on a massage table that's just damn impossible. But on outcall it's always a bed we're on. And cuddling on a bed is just really really uncomfortable with a customer. But the saving grace is that the guys are already spent and aren't in any condition to start any monkey business.

So there you have it. Since quitting The Business and going independent, I'm slowly turning into the escort equivalent of your girlfriend in 9th grade - you get to touch a boob and get a handjob.

Freak of the Week - No Means No

2011-07-19T23:38:00.002-04:00

I know what you're thinking - how can I have a FOTW when I'm not even working in The Business anymore? Well, that's an interesting story and I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it.

Almost. Lucky for you.

You see, In the last couple of weeks, I've discovered that little old blue-haired ladies don't tip nearly as well as little old horny gentlemen. I guess "discovered" is a bad word since I really knew it was going to happen. I'm not going to fault little old ladies either since they need therapeutic massage too.

But what I really need right now is one good breast release to help me make my car payment. And the one I wasted last night on Derek didn't pay for shit (well, dinner maybe). Now the combination of a well fucked boyfriend and little old ladies with knots in their backs may make for a slightly more satisfying professional life, but they make for a crappy financial life. So here's the bit that I dreaded confessing to you guys.

I've kinda sorta been doing outcall. Now for you newbies out there, "outcall" massage is when you go visit a customer instead of them coming to me at The Business. Before I continue let me state quite plainly that I am NOT doing full service. It's pretty much been what I was doing at work - massage followed by a happy ending.

You see, what happened is that right after I walked out of The Business, I pretty much stopped answering my phone. Then after a week or so, I started picking up and letting my worried Regulars know that I'm still alive and that I've decided to change my situation. I had mostly well-wishers at first with the occasional offer to "...call me if there's anything I can do..."

Then the offers started to come in. "Hey, could you come over to my place for a session for old times sake? My wife is outta town and..." You see where I'm going with this, right?

Well, I've seen 5 of my old Regulars so far, and it's been pretty cool. I've met them at their places, or the occasional Super 8. And I have to admit that it's actually been kinda refreshing not having to watch a clock, or worry about answering the phone. These outcall sessions have been pretty good so far.

Then there's Harold.

Harold is in his 50's and divorced. Professional guy and one of my more reliable Regulars. I could always count on seeing him once a month, and it was always the same thing - 1 hour G-string with a standard happy ending. No options. No role play. No outfits. No spanking. No foot worship. No cumplay. Nothing.

Now that I'm "independent" and decided to offer outcall to some of my more trusted Regulars, I was expecting sooner or later to have someone ask about full service. It always happens once you're outside the doors of The Business. You're 2 consenting adults in the privacy of a room with no one else's rules to abide by. It happen and I really don't blame guys for asking "... what else do you do?"

Well, Harold was the first to ask. And boy did he ask. It was almost like he flicked on his "Inner Freak" switch when he heard I was willing to see him at his place.

So I showed up at his house with my Bag-o-Tricks:

Massage oil

G-strings

Clean sheet (you'd be surpised how few guys keep clean linen lying around)

Baby oil

Baby powder (a popular option)

Extra bra and shirt (in case of cumstains)

Relaxation CD

Hand sanitizer

Breath mints

I had never been over to his place before. It was a typical bachelor pad. As I expected, I needed my clean sheet to cover his bed since his sheets looked they were ready to crawl away on their own power. I did a quick scan of the room to make sure there were no hidden "nanny cams" to capture the fun. That's one of the reasons why I've never liked outcall - I don't get to control my environment like I could at The Business.

Harold gets undressed and I can see that he has already "risen" to the occasion.

"Uhhhh... Harold...Did you just pop a bottle of Viagra or did you just miss me?"

With a sort of pride in his voice he asks "Do you like it? I figured I might need it to last me for the next hour. So I took a pill."

I think I shuddered at the thought of giving this man a 1 hour handjob. There was obviously some sort of miscommunication on his part so I tested the waters with "Don't you think you're gonna be a bit uncomfortable with that dangerous weapon while you're lying on your stomach?"

"St-stomach" he stuttered. "I was hoping we could skip all that and get right to the point." Now his voice kinda slowed down as if he saw some brake lights way up the road and suspected there was some traffic hazard up ahead. "You do know what I mean, right?"

"Harold," I said firmly, "What were you expecting today? You know I'm not full service."

Guys and girls - you should have seen the look on this man's face. You would have thought I just told him Santa Claus isn't real. Or the Tooth Fairy. And I shot and killed the Easter Bunny.

Crushed is a good word to use here. Devestated another. Disappointed just doesn't seem to do the job. It was so bad, that for a second (a VERY BRIEF SECOND) I was taken back to my younger, more reckless days, and the long-ignored, rarely-used, totally-neglected notion of "Pity Fuck" just sort of lifted it's ugly head and tried to dust itself off and make itself presentable.

Unluckily for Harold, my rational thought kicked in and told that notion to "sit the fuck down." This isn't high school and that isn't my senior prom date who to this day I still can't figure out why I agreed to go with him when I had soooooo many better options.

And this is pretty much all the nonsense that danced through my head at this moment while I stood in the bedroom of a fully naked man sporting a drug-enhanced hard-on. You see, this kind of nonsense didn't take place in The Business because we had rules and people followed them. A month ago it would never have occurred to me to pity fuck a customer because he's giving me puppy dog eyes. But now that I'm in the middle of something that looks more like a date gone bad, I find myself doing and thinking things that are just crazy.

When a session starts to go in the wrong direction, I stop everything, collect my wits, then take control of the situation. So I took a deep breath and told Harold I'm flattered by the thought, but I have a boyfriend and therefore we need to remain professional. And believe it or not, this seemed to make some sort of sense to him. He nodded in agreement as if this sounded perfectly reasonable. Guys are like that - they need rules, formalities and ritual. You take that away and they're lost.

"Soooooo... what can we do then?" he asked hesitantly.

I smiled at him and pulled off my tank top. And an hour later I made my car payment.

Going Legit

2011-07-07T22:52:00.005-04:00

This is a lot harder than I thought. I mean, it's not like I get an uncontrollable urge to grab some strange man and give him a handjob in the middle of a grocery store. But I do miss having a steady job and somewhere to be 40 hours a week.

It's been about 2 weeks now since I walked out of The Business. I've had Regulars calling me and I still won't pick up the phone. Part of it is I just don't want to talk about what happened, and part of it is not wanting anything to do with that part of my life anymore. But there were a couple guys I talked to, just to let them know I wasn't going to be around. For the most part, everyone has been understanding and supportive, but it was only a matter of time before guys started asking me about outcall.

I've been asked to meet guys in hotel rooms before, but I guess people think I'll be desperate enough to do it now that I'm "independent." I mean what the fuck? I just want to lay low for a while and figure out what I really want to do with my life.

And in the meanwhile I only want a couple of my mom's friends as clients. Little old ladies don't pay much, but at least they won't try to finger me or cum in my hair.

I'm Back

2011-07-01T21:22:00.004-04:00

I quit the business. Really. It's been over a week now. It's a long story that I'm sure I'll eventually get around to telling, but for now let's just say that I hate my life and want things to change.

And to top things off, Derek asked me to marry him.

I mean I doubt he was serious. I was upset, had no job, etc., and I think he was just trying to say something he thought I wanted to hear. Don't get me wrong - it was sweet of him to say it, but really? Now?

To make things worse, there aren't many people I can go to with work problems. Of course there's Trina, but she didn't have my back and walk out with me. I may have been trying to make a point, but I would have appreciated a little solidarity when I had my one girl strike. "But I have rent to pay! I can't quit."

Wah.

Then there's Cindy who doesn't give a "rat's ass" what happened at work. Well put my friend. I can't blame her. I just think she was happy to hang out with me for once. As for Derek, he knew I had a fight with my boss and that was about it. Thank goodness guys don't read anything into these situations. A girl would have wondered what on Earth a "shampooist" has to fight about with her boss.

No offense to anyone out there, but I haven't read any comments, or checked email. I just wanted to get away from everything for a little while. But I'm back now, so I'll try to catch up on stuff and get things back to normal. Whatever that is.

And The Winner Is........

2011-06-07T22:55:00.002-04:00

No one yet. I told you - we don't have to hire anyone till the end of the month. I knew that you guys would be rooting for the stripper. Unfortunately she's not a favorite. Even Audrey said to avoid her. My favorite is still the LMT that interviewed here last week. She's got her license and has been doing legit massage for several years now. Then she lost her job when the economy tanked, so she's knocking on our door. Amazing how several months of unemployment will encourage anyone to add "handjob" to her list of skills.

"Brenda" is a little on the heavy side, pretty face, dark hair, and a decent personality. But you could tell she was nervous as all hell when she got here. She said she was confused when she first walked in because The Business was not what she was expecting. Apparently she was picturing a dark, musty smelling room lit with red lights and decorated with tacky pictures of half-naked women. "Why half-naked women?" I asked.

"Because that's what it saw in this movie about a massage parlor once," she said sounding relieved. Gawd I hate movies about parlors. They always get it soooooooo wrong.
Heck, if you're gonna put up pics of naked women, why not just post the prices for breast releases and toe-sucking while you're at it? Save the cops the trouble of actually trying to figure it out on their own.

Anyway, I answered Brenda's questions and concerns on making a turn towards the Dark Side of massage therapy. Her biggest concern was going against everything she ever practiced about separating therapy from sensuality (in other words, instead of ignoring a hard-on, actually encouraging it.) For a legitimate massage therapist, it's a huge deal so I know where she's coming from.

I told her that she'll be too nervous about being naked to even worry about giving a handjob to a stranger. She laughed, but it was a nervous laugh. I don't know. I sympathize with her and the position she's in. Would she be a good worker? Well, I think we could actually count on her showing up on time. She may throw up during her first session, but at least it'll be during her shift.

Some of you out there are probably wondering why on earth we'd pick a chubby LMT over a stripper. After all, isn't the whole point of the job to get guys off? Actually, most of the job is to provide a relaxing massage with the getting-off part at the very end. And after an hour of getting rubbed by a girl with no clothes on, you don't need to be a stripper to finish the job. In fact, Brenda the LMT may be better at it because she'll deliver a higher quality massage. I don't know how many guys have told me that the worst thing is to have a girl rush you through a crappy massage and then expect you to cum within 30 seconds from a less-than-enthusiastic handjob.

Stripper's are meant to be looked at. Brenda would probably make a lousy stripper. But with the lights turned down, a little bit of soft music, and her well lubed hand wrapped around your cock - she could be a pretty good erotic masseuse.

CJ

Confessions Of An Erotic Employer

2011-06-02T17:03:00.001-04:00

We've had 6 girls in here so far, and each one worse than the other. I mean, what happened to all the good old fashioned, all-American, erotic masseuses? I'm talking about a girl with her massage license who can work all the knots out of your back, discuss sports and politics, crack a joke, and stroke a cock while looking good in high heels. Is that too much to ask for?

At this point I'm just looking for a girl who doesn't have any missing teeth or needle tracks. And if you think I'm just being picky, you should try applying at a male-owned parlor. The interview usually consists of a blowjob.

I've talked to Trina about this, and we've both decided to drag this out as long as possible. Yes, the current hours suck since we have to divide up all the shifts between the 2 of us, but things aren't that busy yet. I figure we'll have till the end of this month before we'll need the help. Besides, it would be impossible to take time off during the summer without an extra girl or 2.

Audrey is bitching that she wants someone NOW, but only because she's afraid we're losing appointments. She even offered to come back and help us work the sweet shifts on the weekends (of course). Gawd forbid she would offer to take a Wednesday night when NO ONE shows up. Oh well, it's nice to be the owner...

Anyway, the quality of applicants is lacking to say the least. We did get a girl in here who was working at one of the non-Asian places that got busted last year. I said no because even though she had experience, she was used to working full-service and she looked pretty skanky in my opinion. A couple other girls were obvious druggies. And then there was one girl who had a pretty interesting story.

"Candy" was a stripper from Florida who moved back in with her parents here in PA. She hasn't found work at any of the local clubs, so that's when she turned to us. When I asked her if she had any other experience besides dancing she said "Well, I did do a bit of acting."

Acting?

Turns out Candy was working the local porn scene down in Florida. Now when I heard "porn" I immediately thought of school girl outfits, pizza delivery boys, and hairy old men wearing lots of gold chains (goes to show what I know of today's adult movies). Candy said it wasn't like that at all. She said she would occasionally get parts in what she called "Reality Porn" movies.

Apparently there's a type of porn that's supposed to look like real people having candid sex. College kids, horny housewives, leaked sex tapes, etc. The way Candy describes it, it's all a very elaborate hoax. And in fact, it's probably even more produced and scripted than regular fuck-n-suck porn.

She would play background parts like bachelorette party girl, or drunken sorority slut. Her job was to pretend to be a "friend" of the movies actual star and pretend to be shocked by her outrageous behavior. The hardcore sex parts were played by real porn stars - usually girls who were just breaking into the industry. Candy said she would get anywhere between a hundred bucks for "Anonymous Girl" and up to several hundred for "Horny Friend" if she got naked and danced on camera.

Now you're all probably wondering why we didn't hire her on the spot. Remember - I'm looking for a girl who's gonna show up on time and do her best not to lose any customers. To be honest, strippers typically make lousy masseuses. They're never on time, and they always skip their shifts when the club calls. But on the plus side, she's NOT full service, she would be incredibly entertaining to have around, and she's local. I actually liked her personally, I just don't think she would be a good fit for us.

Currently my favorite girl has previous massage experience, but has never done happy endings before. She's not licensed, so she was the first one laid off at the spa she used to work at. Trina didn't like her, but I did. But I'll keep you posted. Like I said, we'll try to postpone anyone getting hired for at least another month.

CJ

Setting the Record Straight

2011-05-24T22:40:00.004-04:00

I know it's been a couple months now, but I just wanted to clarify a few things here.

First off, contrary to whatever you may have read, I have not dumped Derek. My 2nd April fools day post was not me. I just reposted something from a reader in the comments that I thought was funny.

Bad idea.

I see that what I find funny may not necessarily be funny to you guys. So I promise never to do that again. Well, at least I promise to fully annotate anything that isn't mine. So there.

Another thing I wanted to make clear is that I am still a fully employed erotic masseuse. What you read here is what really happened lately. It may be a couple weeks old by the time I get around to writing about it, but it's still what really goes on around here. I don't know how many times I've gotten emails from guys wondering if I'm still in The Business.

Which brings me to another topic - I can't see any readers as customers. So guys, please stop asking me if you can make an appointment. You really don't know how much I would appreciate the business! And to have the luxury of actually talking to a reader during session would be soooooo cool. But unfortunately, I have to remain anonymous if I'm going to keep talking about work.

And speaking of remaining anonymous... it's getting harder and harder all the time. At first, the only people who really knew about the blog were me, Cindy, Trina and my techno-nerd Eric. Then as time went by, there were some over zealous readers who got awfully close to figuring out who I am. Then just last week, Trina and her boyfriend were surfing for any references to The Business (yes - she's dating a guy who knows what she does), when he found some interesting stories that sounded awfully familiar...

"Hey Trina, you gotta read this. It sounds just like your work..."

Trina laughed it off, but damn that was close. The last thing I need is Trina getting in trouble from something I said here. Actually, the last thing I need is me getting in trouble, but I'm sure Trina is a close second.

Help Wanted

2011-05-17T22:33:00.002-04:00

I really need to update this damn thing more often. Every time I sit down I realize just how much crap is going on, and when I start to talk about one thing, I forget about something else.

For example, last weekend you guys were in severe danger of getting my first drunken post. It was late at night and I was nursing a really good buzz when I thought "Hey! I should write something about that thing that was soooo funny..." which is how all good ideas start right? Lucky for you guys, before I could save it, Derek walked in on me and in a drunken panic I ended up hitting the power button. If I had been logged onto blogger, it would have been saved, but I was writing it on notepad.

Anyway, I'm sure it was the most profound and interesting stuff I had ever said. Oh well.

But now that I'm sober and boring, I can tell you about the parade of winners that have been coming here looking for a job. Now that Cindy's gone, Audrey told her sister Maude to start looking for a replacement. It's really not that hard either since we get 1 or 2 girls a week who stop by looking for a job.

In this line of work we can't exactly put an ad in the "Help Wanted" section. But if we could, it would probably look something like this:

HELP WANTED
We have an immediate opening for an experienced Masseuse at a small boutique spa discretely located next to the freeway where you will enjoy a hands-on experience with our exciting all-male clientele. License a plus, but not required. Must be willing to work nights and weekends. Uniform optional. Literally.

Unfortunately, we can't do that, so the closest we can do is say "Now Hiring" in our bi-monthly ad in the local free paper. In fact, you'll notice in a lot of ads for adult-oriented services, there will be a "Now Hiring" somewhere in there. Go look in your local yellow pages under "escort" and you'll probably see what I mean.

So the other day, Maude gets the order from Audrey to start gathering contact info from girls looking for work. Maude had never done anything like this before, so she went on the internet and did some research on hiring. Let me tell ya, that woman certainly takes her job seriously. So seriously in fact that she actually downloaded some generic "Application for Employment" sheets from the internet.

Now I've worked in places where the 3 requirements for employment were:

1) Tits
2) Ass
3) Nothing else

So you should have seen the look on these girls faces when Maude handed them a clipboard and said "Fill this out." It was basically 2 pages of contact info, job experience, references, and my personal favorite - "Why do you want to work here?" Trina and I found that one so funny that we spent an entire afternoon making up answers including:

"Because crack ain't free"
"They cut my hours at the strip club"
"My ex would never find me here"
... and my personal favorite...
"I'm a people person"

Honestly, I don't give a rats ass who they end up hiring at this point - as long as she shows up on time, doesn't steal my purse, or eat my food in the fridge. Is that sad or what?

And to make things more interesting, Audrey asked Trina and I to actually pick the next girl. Fun. I can't wait to start reading those applications. Maybe we can turn it into a drinking game where you have to chug every time someone lists their probation officer under "references."

CJ

Cindy's Clientele

2011-05-10T22:41:00.002-04:00

Well it's happening. Trina and I have divided up Cindy's shifts and we're finally starting to see what her life here was like. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but I think a good example would be the TV news story where all the neighbors are saying "...but she was always so quiet..."

Not that Cindy was a serial killer or anything, but her customers... Whoa. I'll give it to that girl - she definitely had her own fan base. I will concede that there are a few men out there who apparently like girls with tattoos, piercings, and giant fake breasts . I don't understand the appeal, but then again I don't understand why Jesse James left Sandra Bullock for that tattooed nazi girl either.

But I think the most suprising thing about Cindy's Regulars is that she wasn't fucking all of them. I mean, we've heard her going at it in the room (when Maude's not around). So we just kinda assumed that she was totally full service at this point. Turns out we were wrong.

Cindy left us with a list of guys she wanted to give her number to. Over the last week or so, I've managed to cross a couple names off her list. Two guys left when I told them she wasn't working here anymore, but the rest stayed. And I even welcomed back a couple of my old Regulars that she had managed to steal. These were the ones that gave me the real scoop on what Cindy was like in session.

Apparently some guys are really into the "Suicide Girl" look. Cindy automatically got all those customers. Most customers prefer the "girl next door" look, and a lot of guys were really turned off by her. So she had a relatively small but loyal fan base.

I asked a couple of guys why they left me for her. Most popular answer - her ass. They said it was her round, bubble-shaped ghetto booty that brought them back. Mine is relatively small and shapely, but Cindy had a little junk in her trunk. Apparently her most popular option was topless because it stripped her down to a never-ending parade of sexy panties.

Then I asked what, if anything, did she do in the room that was special. I fully expected to hear that she was offering blow jobs or at least finger banging, but no. Most popular answer - butt release. Turns out she was offering butt releases for only $50 and thus cornered the market (and I was wondering why none of my customers were asking for them anymore!). As one of my informants put it, "There was nothing hotter than having her bend over the table, drip lube down her ass-crack, then beg us to shoot a load on her tramp stamp."

Personally, I don't know why you guys find that so hot. I mean, don't you get enough of that at home?

I've been talking to Cindy almost everyday and she's still upset about what happened. She hopes to see some of her Regulars outside of The Business, but that's always tricky. It's surprising how some customers can be nicest guys at work, but the minute you see them outside The Business they become raving assholes.

So I eventually just straight up asked her who she's been fucking in the room. She laughed and confessed that she had 2 sugar daddies. When I suggested that number seemed a little low for all the noise she had been generating, she said the rest were just guys she thinks are hot.

That's my girl.

Cindy Got Fired

2011-05-04T00:11:00.002-04:00

Cindy got fired last week. It ended up being a horrible week with a lot of yelling, screaming and fingers being pointed. Shit - at one point even I was ready to just walk out since Audrey was being a total bitch (as usual). Let me take a big breath and tell you what happened.

Cindy got caught short-changing the door fee. It's not right, and I told Cindy a hundred times before to knock it off. I don't do it myself because it's just not worth it. Apparently what happened is that Cindy got greedy and would collect the door fee for whatever time the customer wanted. But then she would book a lesser amount of time and then pocket the difference. Obviously this was done when she was working by herself.

It comes out to $10-$20 per customer and that's it. I mean it's so not worth it to lose your job over that amount - and that's what I've always told her. Maude doesn't know the ins and outs of the business, so she never noticed. It was Audrey who got her. I guess she was reviewing the books and noticed that when Cindy worked with Maude, she routinely booked 45-60 minute sessions. But when she was alone, she was booking a lot of 30 minute sessions. I mean you can get away with it if you sneak one in now and then - but Cindy got sloppy and started doing it every chance she got.

In a way, I can't blame Audrey for firing her. But damn if she didn't end up pissing us all off by accusing Trina and I of the exact same thing. And as the week went on, the accusations kept getting worse and worse. So after a few days of on and off fighting, even I was reminding Audrey of every customer she ever stole from us and how we all knew she was blowing guys left and right.

It was pretty ugly for a few days there. And poor Maude - I think she turns a blind eye to what goes on behind our session doors. But even she couldn't pretend not to hear what was being said (or screamed) right in front of her. I mean it's not like she doesn't know what we all do for a living, it's just that she doesn't really get involved or even ask about it. As far she's concerned, after she books a customer her job is done.

Since she's been gone, I've been trying to let her customers know what happened - out of earshot of Maude. Cindy gave me a list of certain Regulars to pass her phone number to. I'll do what I can to help her out, but in the end she acted stupid and got busted.

As for me, I almost never short-change the door fee. But I do have a trick or two up my sleeve for when I don't feel like giving Audrey her due. Even I'm a little reluctant to share them here - that's how nervous Audrey makes me. But maybe later. Let's just say that I'm way more discrete when I screw her over.

And to make matters worse, now Trina and I have to take over all of Cindy's shifts. Two girls running an entire business? But the awful part is going to be putting up with her old customers who expect a tad bit more than just a handjob. Let's just say that she took customer service VERY seriously. The last time I called her at work, she answered the phone with "... Hell... Oh... C... J... oh baby don't stop... What's... up... girl?..."

What can I say, she was a lousy coworker but I still love her to death.

CJ

The Fan

2011-04-21T00:46:00.000-04:00

I've calmed down a little since last week - partly because Sugar Daddy Pete never called Cindy and partly because I had a customer cheer me up. I know that being obsessed over one customer is stupid, especially one that I've only seen a few times. And it took a visit from one of my fans to help me see that.

Here at The Business, we usually refer to our youngest of customers as "fans." That's because the young guys have a tendency to totally crush on their masseuse. And it's usually a nice puppy-love, "I made you a mix CD" kind of crush as opposed to the Fatal Attraction, "I waited for you in the parking lot for 6 hours" kind.

Our theory is that when you're a young guy (we're talking early 20's), that first happy ending at the hands of a trained professional is their first exposure to women who don't play games. In other words, it's their first sexual experience that didn't involve flowers, dinner, alcohol, rambling emails about "feelings," or pretending to like Glee. And to top it off, there's no obligatory small talk afterwards or promises to "call ya later!"

It's EXACTLY how most guys like it. And when a young customer gets it for the first time - a "fan" is born.

has been a fan of mine for over a year. He goes to school in Jersey, but his folks are local so he has an excuse to stop by every now and then. He was here this past weekend and managed to swing by and say "hi." Maude wasn't there, so we had time to just hang out and catch up on several months worth of gossip.

You want to know how sweet this kid is? He brought me an Easter card for goodness sake. I mean, how nice is that? I would never have even thought of doing something like that except for my sisters kids.

I asked him if he wanted a session but he pleaded poverty and said he needed to head back to Jersey. Since I was really enjoying his company I offered him a therapeutic for the road if he agreed to pay the door fee.

Let me point out here that I collect the door fee to cover my ass. Even though I was by myself that afternoon, if Maude or anyone else were to walk in, they would find my session properly booked and the fee collected. Not booking appointments is one of the easiest ways to rip off your boss in a parlor, so Audrey has been known to fire girls on the spot for doing that shit.

Anyway, I told him to go get comfortable while I did the paperwork. He practically ran into the room, which I took as a compliment. When I joined him, he was already buck naked and lying on top of the table. Since this was a therapeutic, I only had to remove my hoodie before we got started.

This is when the conversation got interesting. He started to tell me about a girl he's interested in. But it's not that simple because she's from the west coast and why start something now before summer break?

Before I knew it, half an hour had already passed. But I really wanted to talk to someone about the Pete thing, so I told Chris to flip over. I started on his legs as I filled him in on the whole Pete saga. He actually paid attention and offered enough advice to make me feel better about my behavior over the whole mess. Apparently it took someone who was probably the most removed from my situation as possible to let me know how stupid I was behaving. But he was niceabout it!

15 minutes later, I felt truly better. The most relief I had felt about feelings that had been festering for a week. I thanked him for playing therapist, and he said it was nothing and why can't any of the girls he meets be as cool as me... etc.

Yes - we were having a moment. As if you had any doubts where this story was going. So to prevent any undo stress and anxiety in my more delicate readers, let me reveal right now that I gave Chris a freebie. And believe me, a free HJ is really the least I can do.

What? Did you think I was going to fuck him? Hello - I have a boyfriend.

Younger guys are usually quite happy with the standard happy ending and almost never bother to ask for extras. I think it's because they can get off so easily that they don't need an extra kink like costumes, cum play, ball busting, etc (although I did have 1 fan that was obsessed with women's asses, so he would spring for a butt release). I also think that the younger guys are more likely to get things like dirty talk, lingerie, facials, etc. in their own sex lives, so they don't miss it as much as the older ones.

Chris was already at full attention so it's not like he had very far to go towards the finish line. After our brief exchange of very personal compliments, our eyes locked for a couple seconds longer than was comfortable. And let me say this about Chris - he has a VERY intense stare. When he's aroused, he will look deep into your eyes as if he were pleading for his very own life. Well, at least I imagine it as such. I like to pretend that he's dying and only an immediate orgasm at my capable hands will save him (Hey - I can daydream at work too ya know).

I broke his spell on me by suddenly pulling my shirt over my head. I figured if I didn't do something quickly, I would do something stupid. And his bewitching eyes were no match against The Girls. And despite what I've said before, I do sometimes have moments of weakness with a customer. The key is to always stay in control of the situation. So the moment I felt like I was losing it, I automatically changed things back to my favor.

He was stunned to see me suddenly standing there in my bra. Just the reaction I wanted. Chris began to protest "... you don't have to do that..." so I just shushed him and told him to lie back down. In another quick move, I reached behind my back and snapped off my bra. I responded to his "What are you doing?!" with a "Shut up and enjoy this, will you?" (am I a romantic or what?).

Now the shirt came off merely as a distraction, but when you're working with massage oils and bodily fluids, the bra is removed out of necessity. Not that Chris complained, but it's not really his thing either. His thing is getting teased.

What he does is fold his hands across his stomach while I oil him up. Then I gently work his shaft up and down until he's fully erect. Meanwhile he starts asking me if he can touch me, and repeatedly tell him "no." As he continues to plead and I keep refusing, he gets more and more aroused. His breath quickens and his voice begins to tremble. And all the while he keep staring at me with that intense look on his face.

When his hands start to shake, that's my cue to say "Well...OK. You can touch my breasts." Chris reaches up with his hand and begins to gently caress my left breast. I have to admit, he has this rather nice technique where he slowly runs his fingers along that very sensitive patch of skin below the nipple. Most guys ignore it and just concentrate on the nipple, but Chris is touching me as if he doesn't notice my two hands wrapped around his cock.

Nice try, but I know what turns him on. I now turn to him and look deep into his eyes. "I want you to put your hand on my ass." Obediently he switches positions and begins running his hand over my left ass cheek. He moves his fingertips to where they are lightly running along my ass crack, and he begins to slowly move them up and down.

This is the point where he usually cums. But this time I try to beat him at his own game, so instead of turning back and focusing my attention on his penis, I keep my eyes locked with his. Have you ever really tried to deliberately stare into the eyes of someone else for more than a few seconds? It's not easy - especially when there's a sexual/emotional component that you don't quite know what to do with.

But if there's one thing I do know, it's handjobs. So I really don't need to see what I'm doing to know what's going on. Without breaking our connection, I could sense that he was about to cum. He started to breath faster. His cock became super hard. And his right hand stopped caressing my cheek and gave a barely perceptible squeeze.

Chris was playing to win too, so he was trying his best not to give me any cues. But I know my way around a man's body better than most guys, so I was not surprised when I felt the warm semen spreading over my hands. I slowed the pace from the jerking motion to a gentle pumping motion in time to his spasms, all the while keeping my gaze fixed on him. This little technique helps to prolong the orgasm.

And then right when I thought I had won our little visual game of chicken, he did something totally unxpected. Instead of giving out a loud post coital moan, he took his hand off my ass cheek and moved it to the back of my head. Usually, such a gesture would scare me, but Chris just isn't a scary guy. I felt his fingers wind their way through my hair.

He slowly pulled my face towards his and then finally gave off a soft moan. Without blinking even once, he stared straight into my eyes and moaned again. Then his eyes went really wide and he moaned one last time. He let go of my head, closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the table.

I won.

Cj

The Not So Triumphant Return of Sugar Daddy Pete

2011-04-13T19:58:00.004-04:00

That motherfucker actually came back to The Business on Saturday when I wasn't here. He took Cindy for a 1 hour mutual and gave her a very generous tip. THEN they exchanged phone numbers - that fucking bitch. She told me all about it afterwards. I was furious with her, but at the same time I wanted to squeeze her for information.

Apparently he's now back in the area, but he had to ditch the giant vacation home when the market tanked. Cindy said he's looking to buy a new place and that's why he's back.

I don't know if he'd recognize my truck or not. I mean, why would he stop if he didn't know I was here or not? When he showed up, Trina and Cindy were working the night shift. He actually met Cindy when he was in here before - 2 years now? So maybe that's why he took her.

Cindy claims he asked about me, but I don't know if she just said that to make me feel better or what. But what really really really set me off was that she took the liberty of telling Pete that I was "living with the new boyfriend." You NEVER say personal shit like that about your coworkers to customers - EVER. I could have strangled her for that.

Well, if just wants to get laid, then he went to the right place. Cindy has no problem fucking customers. And the "exchange" of phone numbers only means one thing - meeting outside The Business. Now did he really expect me NOT to find out about all this? Did he just assume I was no longer interested in him?

***************************
OK - now that I've spent a few days trying to chill out about this, I realized that I've got a really bad case of "I Saw Him First." However, it's not making me feel any better about what Cindy did. In fact, I'm still not speaking to her.

Unless I want info... And what I've learned is that Pete has NOT called her back. If he didn't try to fuck her over the weekend, he's not gonna call her until next weekend. But if he really just ran into her by dumb luck and really wanted to see me, then he might just visit The Business again. And I am definitely working Saturday night this time.

Of course, I could just call or even text him. But that seems a bit desperate. I mean, I haven't heard a peep out of him in over a year, so a sudden text message would just scream "Cindy and I talked about you." But if I did talk to him before he came in, I could explain the whole boyfriend comment as a misunderstanding on Cindy's part.

Oh I've done damage control before. Probably the most catty thing girls will do at work is talk shit about each other. And an easy way to steal a customer is tell him that his favorite masseuse has a spouse. Nothing is a bigger turnoff to a guy than to learn that his favorite girl really isn't a single, horny bisexual who likes to lez out at the clubs on the weekend because she just can't seem to find the right guy... Sound familiar?

We all tell the same story because it's what guys want to hear. Don't believe me? Think knowing the "real her" is better? You try jerking a guy off after spending an hour complaining about...

"... that asshole of a boyfriend who just can't seem to get it together. Oh yeah - his band is gonna take off any day now, but until then would it kill him to call my uncle about a job or maybe clean up around the house? Not that I'm complaining, but yesterday I did 6 customers and by the end of the night my jerking hand was ready to fall off when this motherfucker comes home drunk after spending the money I gave him for groceries on drinks for him and his buddies and... Oh...I need to finish you off now. Just close your eyes and try to relax..."

See?

Anyway, I think the whole Pete thing is making me mental. Just like it did last time he was here. For some of you newbies who have no idea of the drama I'm talking about, you can read about Pete when I first met Pete right here. And how he fucked with my head here and here... And I think I started to lose my mind over him right about here...

Oh shit - this may be a loooooong summer.

CJ

It's Official - I've Been Found Out

2011-04-07T22:29:00.004-04:00

I was always afraid this might happen, and it has. Derek has dumped me. Apparently I left my blog up on the computer and he discovered everything.

Then, he decided to dump me on my own blog by posting it in the comments. How cold is that! Anyway, the original is here, but I've copied it so you can read the whole thing...

******************************
You fucking bitch! This is Derek! I checked your computer when you went into the shower this morning. You have told total strangers everything about yourself, and here I am your boyfriend, the one you supposedly wish to keep for 1 year, the one who has satiated your vaginal deep dicking desires anytime and everytime you have craved my king size twix peanut butter, and I find out this way? That's right, it's big, long and sweet.

Since we're dishing out everything, maybe your readers would care to find out how we met. Well people, here it is...

It was a dark and stormy night. The winds were blowing due East, I was walking out of my hotel at the Abraham Lincoln on 5th on my way to Golds Gym. I was in town on business. I'm from California. Anyway, there she was at the entrance under an umbrella, nearly drenched. Hair disheveled and looking like a homeless goat. I pass her, but then I thought, maybe I can offer some help. So, I go up to her... "Excuse me, miss... I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your heart?"

She looked at me, silence... and then she burst into uncontrolled laughter spraying my face.

"Hahaha, you're a dork." she says.

"Alrighty, then. Tell you what, whoever you're waiting for isn't coming. Let's go to that Starbucks over there." I guess I'm not going to workout today. It's okay though, because it's Tuesday, and it's only biceps, triceps, and deltoids day. I didn't want to invite her into my room even though it was just there. I didn't know if she was an axe murderer. A public place with many witnesses is good just to get her out of the pouring rain so she won't get pneumonia.

"Is that right?"

"What, you're waiting for some guy you met on e-harmony. They all like long walks on the beach, and there's only a river here... hardly a beach. He's not coming."

She pauses for a moment, and flutters her eyes looking at me. It was as if she was melting. Anyway, either it's the rainwater or she's high.

We walk over to the starbucks, we order, and then she tells me her story. Bla bla bla... she finishes her drink, and all that's left in my short java chip frappucino is the whipped cream. "So... tell you what, I'll drive you home. Do you live far from here?"

"I live about 12 miles that way." She points to some vague direction to my right.

"Okay, well, let me get my keys in my room. You can come up if you'd like. I was going to take a cab to the gym."

"Sure."

So there we went.

I slide in my card key to open the door. And we go in. So I said, "Make yourself at home. I'm going to go into the restroom for a minute."

"Sure, okay."

I go into the rest room. I unbutton my jeans and then proceed to drain the Red October. There I am minding my own business, and then suddenly the door opens behind me and a hand reaches around and grips perfectly my nuclear powered submarine. Then I hear a whispering... "Shh... just relax."

Me, taken aback couldn't help but ask, "Uhm... what are you doing?"

"I'm giving you a relaxing massage."

"Is that right?"

"Hmm... what options would you like?"

"Options???" I turn around, and she was in her tight white short nurses' outfit wet as rain, and already partially undone.

"Yes. Would you like to see my boobs? Or maybe something more?"

At this point, I thought, I'll play along. I know Ashton Kutcher is outside with a camera crew punking me.

"Well, how about we take off all your clothes because they're all wet." Then I ease her into bed.

"Sure, why don't you take them off me?"

So I proceed to take off her nurse's hat, and then start unbuttoning her dress. And then she grabbed my hands and put them aside, "No, no no."

"But... I thought..."

"Not with your fingers silly. Take my clothes off with your teeth." I try to unbutton her clothes as instructed, and she helped a little bit. My face would occasionally rub on her nipples and feeling the soft warm caress of her breasts. I play along.

At this point, she's fully naked... and when I wasn't expecting it, she pushes me, and I fall on the bed. She jumps on me and straddles me. "Shh... just relax... and lay back."

She reaches down my black CK boxer briefs and finds the missile has been armed. She's on top of me, laying down and kisses me behind the ears... "Mmm... what is that? What are you wearing?"

"Uhm, nothing... just burberry."

"Mmm....yummy... g-r-r-o-o-w-l"

"Wait, should we be doing this? I don't even know your name."

"My name is CJ. It stands for Cum Junkie. Meow..."

So she starts stroking my cock, and I noticed she was using the ancient crouching tiger hidden dragon kung fu grip technique flawlessly. I didn't mention it and just let her keep going. At this point, I was starting to lose myself... my mind.

Like a tiger, I grab wrists, and in one motion pulled her onto the bed and turned. Her hands are pinned to the bed, and our eyes meet. Without saying a thing, I slide down slowly... she spreads her legs a little, and I get in between them. I didn't enter her... but my erect cock touch her clit.

"Oh, Derek..." she moans. "Please..."
"Please, what?"
"Please put it inside of me..."
I ignored her... I didn't put it inside... I just kept on rubbing her clit. And then she starts to make those involuntary twitches... "Ah!" short, high-pitched ahhs.

Wait... hey is there any potato chips in here?

CJ, all those times we've shared. All those times when you cried please stop just when you've orgasmed for the sixteenth consecutive time on my hard unmedicated love making magic wand and I ignored and continued on until you broke into tears in sheer ecstasy in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the alley behind the laundry place, I thought those were real. I thought we shared those special moments. I thought you meant it because I know I did. Now I know you were just working me.

CJ, I'm a man. I'm not just a piece of meat. I'm not just a sex toy for your utter, total, and complete satisfaction. I have feelings. I am a man. I have emotions too.

We're done. It's over. I'm leaving back for California. I am a man, CJ and I deserve better. Hear me roar! Arf! Arf!

Derek
*************************************

Well the good news is that now I'm free to find a man with slightly better spelling and grammar skills. By the way Derek... you weren't so much a King Size Twix bar. More like a Mini Mounds Bar - much smaller and no nuts.

CJ

April Fools

2011-04-05T18:22:00.004-04:00

Well so much for my Aprils Fools day prank on you guys. So what gave it away? I was wondering if throwing in a problem with Derek as well made it over the top. Of course I didn't count on the more resourceful of you to immediately hit the internet and look for news on another massage parlor bust in SE PA.

Good job! Next time I'll keep it more subtle - maybe claim I'm pregnant from a customer's errant cum shot. Now which one of you guys claimed I must have been turning tricks for $250? Really dude? Can't a girl just get busted in peace and quiet?

Anyway, you're not the only guys pranked on Friday. Trina told me that during the day shift Maude was expecting a new girl to come in for an interview. She was naturally upset that Audrey thought we needed the help. When Maude announced that the new girl was here, she stepped outside and then returned wearing a blond wig - claiming she was going to start offering massages under the name of "Sheila." Hell - I didn't know she had a sense of humor!

My taste in pranks is a little more involved. Friday morning I pretended to fall down the stairs at Derek's place. When he was in the bathroom, I let out a blood curdling scream, then jumped up and down on the stairs a few times. When he ran out of the bathroom he found me as a bloody mess on the bottom of the stairs. I had actually practiced unnatural poses in front of a mirror and settled on the most disturbing one. Then with the help of a fake blood pack I had purchased on the internet last month, I transformed myself into the worst "accident within the home" Derek had ever seen.

What can I say - that bitch screamed like a little baby! I let him poke and coddle me enough until he was convinced I was dead before I said "boo." 10 out of 10 for mean. 1000 out of 10 for funny.

Meanwhile Cindy tried to get me with her annual "I think I'm pregnant" scare. But I have to give her credit because this time she so far as to produce a pee stick with an actual positive. Turns out she got it from a friend of hers and actually saved it just to try to get me. Nice try.

Trina has NO sense of humor for pranks. So I think that's why it's so much funnier when people pull them on her. My hats off to Maude for her joke! It saved me the hassle of trying to get her myself.

Speaking of pranks at work, the best one ever was from the first parlor I worked at. One of the girls had a birthday either on or close to April 1. Well, one of the other girls did a collection and got her a male stripper. To make it more interesting, they had him dressed up as a cop. But instead of the old "you're under arrest for parking tickets" routine, he came in screaming at the top of his lungs "THIS IS A RAID!"

Now if you really look at a stripper cop, you can tell that it's not a real uniform. But in the dim lights of the old place, and the hysteria created whenever anyone yells "THIS IS A RAID" I think half the girls pissed their pants - even though they were in on it. So after a few seconds, he finds the birthday girl and switches back to his "you're under arrest" routine then starts ripping off his velcro clothes. You should have seen the look on her face!! But that fact that she actually peed herself made it priceless.

Then to make things more interesting, after the strip show and the customary lap dances for each of us, he tells the guest of honor that he has a special birthday "favor" for her. Turns out that we had ordered a FULL SERVICE stripper with a side order of cunnilingus. The birthday girl politely turned him down, but the girl who called the stripper place was more than happy to collect. I guess this kind of stuff happens all the time with male strippers.

Well, I hope you guys still appreciate my little attempt at humor. Next year I'll zing you good.

CJ

2011-04-01T02:51:00.002-04:00

I just got home from what's probably the worst day of my life. Trina was arrested for solicitation this afternoon. The cops raided the business during the afternoon shift and took her and maude into custody.

I wasn't working today, but got a call from Audrey around 6 with the news. I spent a good part of the evening trying to figure out how to get Trina out on bail. Maude was released, but they kept Trina. I'm going to try again tomorrow.

To make matters worse, I couldn't really explain to Derek what was going on today. I mean, why would the cops raid a "hair salon" and arrest a "stylist?" I eventually had to tell him to just go away and I'd talk to him later. My phone was ringing non stop all night. I really have nothing to say to him.

I'm not quite sure what to do about the blog. I mean, it's obviously got nothing to do with what happened else they would have grabbed me big time. But I'll probably just lay low for a while. I'll try to keep you guys updated.

Basic Massage Parlor Tips for Newbies

2011-03-30T07:47:00.000-04:00

I love this time of year. The freakin snow is finally gone. The weather is getting warmer. And guys are finally coming out of winter hibernation and visiting The Business. Of course it helps that everyone is just now getting their tax refunds.

We've also seen a wave of newbies just over the last 2 weeks. I was wondering where all these new faces have been hiding and Trina half jokingly blamed my blog. Now that's an unpleasant and scary thought. I mean we could really use the business right now, but I'm still terrified of meeting guys who have found me off the internet.

Luckily, none of theses newbies have said anything. One of the first things I ask a new customer is "where did you hear about us?" Most of them either saw our recent ad in the weekly entertainment rag, or heard about us from a friend. But what I really wanted to talk about today is all the newbie mistakes they keep making! I mean it's been so bad that I didn't even offer options to a number of guys recently, and I actually had to throw two customers out!

So what I want to talk about today is...

Basic Massage Parlor Tips for Newbies

Several of my early blog posts cover this topic, but I wonder if any of you new readers have even bothered to look at the old stuff. A lot of good info in there guys. But consider today a sort of refresher.

Tip #1 - Don't ask about options on the phone.
This also applies to the front desk. I don't know how many time I've had to hang up on guys, or ask them to leave. Under no circumstances ask what's going to happen in the room - until you're in the room. Period. Don't call up and ask "Hey - how much for a handjob?" or "Can I get a happy ending here?" Our basic policy is to immediately explain that we are not that kind of place, then end the conversation.

For some of you new guys, I know it can be frustrating and intimidating not knowing if you're in an actual massage parlor or not. But this is a leap of faith that you have to make. Once in the room, your masseuse may reveal that she offers "clothing options" at the beginning of the massage (like me). If she does, then you're getting a happy ending - guaranteed. You don't need to ask! I can't say this too many times - I don't remove my top for therapeutic reasons.

If she doesn't offer to disrobe at the beginning, then she might just offer a happy ending at the very end of your session. But bringing it up outside the room is just in poor form and will probably get your ass thrown out. DON'T DO IT.

I had to throw out a couple of newbies for this just recently. These guys would not stop asking about options while standing at the front desk. If I think you're just being naive because you're new, I'll tell you to ask again in the room (HINT: If you ask about a happy ending and you DON'T get thrown out, you're gonna get a happy ending).

Tip #2 - Don't assume we're full service
Just because I'm naked and working your junk with my hands doesn't mean I'm THAT kind of girl. Hey - what do you expect? This is a MASSAGE PARLOR, not a brothel. But really, if you want to know what I am willing to do just ask. The polite way to find out if a masseuse will suck your cock is "Excuse me, but are you full service?" I am totally NOT offended by this question, and actually appreciate you bringing it up so I can talk about what I am willing to do in the room.

To be honest, it's not the assuming that really bothers me, it's when a customer immediately becomes all hands. We HATE grabby guys. I allow most customers to touch within reason, but you have to ask first. And if a newbie just won't take "no" for an answer, I'll end the session and throw his ass out.

I had to do that with a newbie last week. I don't mind a customer squeezing my ass, and will even encourage it during the happy ending (makes things go quicker). But this newbie would not stop trying to finger me. So I eventually just stopped, backed away from the table and said "we're done."

I have a 3 strikes and you're out policy. First strike is a warning. Second strike is stop touching me at all. Third strike is your ass out on the street. And this asshole had 2 warnings before I ended the session.

Tip #3 - Relax
As a newbie you may not get lucky the first time. Remember - we're as nervous around you as you are with us. We need to get a good vibe from a customer before we'll offer options. I know it doesn't help that you newbies are nervous enough already, but just relax, and be cool and you'll have a good time. At the very least, you'll get a nice relaxing massage and the promise of "more" when you come back later.

Take for example this guy who asked too many questions at the front desk. I told him to save it for the room, and he did. BUT, once in the room he was all "Will you do this?" and "How much for that?" and "What about the other girls?" I mean it starting to feel more like an interrogation than a negotiation to get his dick rubbed. I started to get a really weird vibe off the guy, so I switched over to my therapeutic mode, ended all my answers with "...so I've heard," and offered him NOTHING. I didn't even unzip my hoodie. Sure, I may have lost a tip but this guy totally made me nervous.

Trina said she's gotten the same 3rd degree lately. If anything you can't blame that behavior on ANY of my readers, right guys? Now go on out there and cash in those refund checks! You deserve a little treat after handing over all your money to Uncle Sam last year.

See ya this weekend!

CJ

Business As Usual

2011-03-22T19:34:00.002-04:00

Remember last fall when I told all you guys that the parlor crackdown would end by election day? Well I was more or less right. I mean, what's the point of raiding a place if it's too late to help anyone get re-elected?

A bunch of girls and "mama-sans" were arrested. Now they're finally making their way to court and having their wrists slapped. I'm sure most of the girls arrested will start showing up at other businesses pretty soon.

According to my customers, possibly 2 or 3 different Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) busted last year are now back up and running. I don't know if they're in the exact same locations or moved or whatever, but the rumor I hear is that the competition is back in town. And believe me - it's a lot easier to reopen than you think.

After a shutdown, the owner just pleads in court that "I had no idea" and will get the OK to start up again with the remaining girls who were NOT arrested. Then they'll just rely on Regulars for a couple months until the whole thing blows over. Heck - that's kinda what we did when the crackdown was in full swing.

Actually, let me back up and here and point out that a business isn't necessarily ordered to close it's doors AFTER a raid. Just because 2 scared girls got hauled away in handcuffs in front of a news camera in the morning for offering a handjob to an undercover cop, doesn't mean the afternoon shift gets the day off. In fact, an owner will want his place to stay open to prove to a judge later that it really is legit, and the girls who got arrested were just BAAAAAAAD girls.

My girlfriend who runs her own place was lucky enough to avoid the crackdown. But in her neck of the woods, the towns are hitting them with new ordinances to limit their hours, force inspections and review their hiring records. Basically it's the same crap they're supposed to be doing but just never botherws to. Any parlor that's halfway careful (like us) won't have any problems.

In other words, the new laws won't do shit. The girls are returning to work. The busted AMPs are reopening. And it's business as usual. Nice job guys.

CJ

The Honeymoon Is Over

2011-03-16T00:59:00.002-04:00

After weeks and weeks and weeks of getting laid on a regular basis... it looks like the honeymoon is finally over. I finally had to throw Derek's ass out. Don't get me wrong, we're not broken up or anything - I just couldn't stand him constantly parking his butt at MY place every night. I mean, it was totally convenient to have him there when I wanted to get laid (which was pretty damn often I'm embarrassed to admit, but you can't blame me after my year long dry spell) but it was the after wards that got to me.

I've never been one for cuddling or pillow talk so it was totally irritating that he was still there in the morning. EVERY morning. Heck, I could have tolerated 4 nights a week, but he planted himself here every night about a month into the honeymoon phase.

So now he's at his place and our current agreement is 1 weekday night and 1 weekend night. Plus, I get the option of any night at his place - as long as I can tolerate his roomies . They're OK, but I'm not dating them.

But the good news is that now I'll have way more time to write! I have to admit that I kinda missed the luxury of coming home after a particularly trying day at work and have the ability to just spill my guts about it to the computer. With Derek here, I couldn't exactly do that.

But with him around all the time, I had to talk about things in a sort of coded generic way:

"Today was a waste" = tips sucked
"I'm exhausted" = Don't even think of asking for a handjob
"My 2 o'clock was a total bitch" = He tried to cum in my hair
"I need a shower" = I smell like semen
"I'm paying for drinks!" = I had a breast release today
"I'm paying for dinner!" = I had 2 breast releases, a mutual, and a foot fetish guy
"Cindy had a good day" = I could hear her fucking a guy in the room
"Maude was in a mood" = Maude was in a mood

It's amazing how writing on a regular basis about work acted as a kind of therapy for me. It calms me down, and helps me put things in perspective. I mean, there were days when I would come home literally shaking with anger, and after a few minutes of writing about it I would start to feel better. With Derek around I had to rely on a more mundane form of therapy - getting laid.

Hmmmmmmmm... type on a computer or fuck my brains out?

Oh shit... Derek - Come back!

CJ

The BFFs

2011-03-04T01:42:00.003-05:00

This story has now taken me over a month to finish. Sorry it's taken so long, but I wanted to make sure I did it justice and didn't leave out any details. When I finally write my book on The Adventures of Aurora Sparks - Erotic Detective, I hope to incorporate it into the plot.

Last week I had one of the weirdest sessions ever. And that's saying alot considering I've had a guy almost die on me, another guy almost kill me, and people who acted out their bizarre role-playing scenarios in front of me.

I have this Regular we'll call Ernie. He's been a customer for years, and one of the steadier ones. He's in his late thirties, and never married. Local guy who works for the town or something. Nothing really weird about him. He usually takes a 45 minute session with the G-string option. And when he's feeling adventurous, he'll ask for the occasional butt release. In other words, a pretty normal client (at this point in my life, my definition of "normal" probably bears very little resemblance to most peoples).

Well during session, Ernie asks me if I've ever had a threesome. In my personal life, perhaps the occasional drunken makeout session with a girlfriend while her boyfriend watched, but nothing more. At work I've done doubles where me and a coworker take care of a customer and pretend to lez out in front of him. And then there's the occasional couple where the wife/girlfriend wants to watch or even finish off her man for me.

But Ernie wanted to know if I've ever done 2 guys. Well it's not like I've never been asked before, but it's just not the kinda thing I've seriously considered. Then the conversation got interesting. Ernie wanted to know if I'd consider having a threesome - in session. My first thought was "This would make an interesting story" so instead of my usual "I'm soooo flattered, but I'm really gonna have to pass" speech (which I reserve for all of my more enthusiastically imaginative customers), I found myself asking "So how exactly would that work?"

Now Ernie knows that I'm not full service, so doing a simultaneous fuck and suck is out of the question. And I only have 2 hands, so I can't massage 2 guys at the same time. So I was really curious about what he had in mind.

Ernie wanted me to jerk off both him and his best friend "Bert" at the same time.

Now you want to know how clueless I am? In my mind I was trying to picture how I'd position both guys on my tiny little table so I'd have a good angle to both their cocks at the same time. I'm thinking chairs and pillows to prop up legs and heads and whatever else would be hanging off the sides when Ernie enlightens me...

"Noooo... I was thinking that we would both be standing up and you'd be on your knees in front of us." Wow - that never occurred to me. He said there would be no massage, just him and his buddy getting jerked off at the same time.

I had a hundred questions swirling around my brain, but the best way to summarize all of them was "Why?" Turns out this type of happy ending is quite common in porn movies. Ernie always fantasized about this type of scenario and even went so far as to talk to his BFF Bert about it.

So let me tell you about Bert. He's also a Regular at The Business, but he's one of Trina's customers. He's older, probably late 40's. Married with kids. Stops by to see Trina once a month or so. Nice guy - got that salt and pepper thing going - kinda like a pudgy Anderson Cooper. I've never had a session with him before, but Trina says he's a good client. Apparently Bert and Ernie have known each other for a while, and it was Bert who originally turned Ernie onto The Business.

Ernie and I talked about how this could possibly work. I have to admit, I was a little intimidated about having 2 guys in the room, but professionally curious about whether I could finish 2 guys off at the same time (do I take my job seriously or what?). When I felt comfortable enough with the details of exactly how this would go down, I agreed. The session would basically be a little foreplay and then a double happy ending. No massage.

This is the kind of weird shit I don't want questions about, so I told him to bring Bert and meet me at work at the end of Thursday's night shift. I would be working by myself and Maude would be long gone. They got there on time and I locked the door and put up the "Closed" sign. Ernie and Bert hung out in the front lobby making small talk with each other while I started to turn lights off and close the drapes. I noticed how easy they seemed to be around each other.

I told them to go in my room and make themselves comfortable. Now that usually means "take off your clothes and lie on the table," but in this case, no one was getting on the table. Now 2 men giving it to 1 woman may be one of the biggest male fantasies, but when you think about it you're really just 1 woman away from a gay porn movie. So I wasn't surprised when I came in the room 5 minutes later to find 2 completely dressed men standing at opposite ends of the room.

This was supposed to be their idea, but I quickly realized it was up to me to set the mood (in this case "mood" being 2 guys getting naked and jerking it in front of each other [hey - this is their fantasy, not mine!]). I looked at each of them and said "You guys ready for this?" They both nodded and mumbled in agreement. Jeeeez - come on guys! I decided to turn on the radio and found some dance music.

I'm not a fantastic dancer by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not bad either. I may not know any stripper moves, but I do know how to shake my ass. So that's what I did. Shit - somebody had to break the ice here! To the beat of the music I unzipped my hoodie, stuck The Girls out and began to shake them. "Let's lose those shirts guys!"

That seemed to do the trick. They both laughed nervously, then finally began to get comfortable. Now if there's one thing I do know about the art of the happy ending, it's getting the man aroused as much as possible before you actually begin. And with 2 guys, I was looking at twice the effort.

With their shirts off I did a slow striptease to join them. There's no real sexy way to remove a sweatshirt, so I just pulled it off unceremoniously. But I made up for it by slowly unbuckling my bra and letting it fall to the floor. I stared at them expectantly, but they still stood there with just their shirts off. "Ya know guys, it's gonna be hard for you to cum with those pants on." I was starting to think that Ernie and Bert were getting cold feet about this. Or perhaps they were just nervous about getting naked in front of each other. Either way, I had a job to do.

"Let's get this party started." And with that I dropped my pants. And that's when I realized that to perform a G-string option, I needed to be actually wearing a G-string (at work I usually just go commando since I get so many nude options). I apologized to the guys while I knelt on the floor naked and fumbled through my pants pocket for my emergency pair. I think this whole fantasy threesome of theirs wasn't exactly going as planned.

I found a G-string and slipped it on. In the meanwhile, my 2 fantasy men were still just standing there on opposite sides of the room. Well, their cocks weren't exactly going to jerk themselves off, so I decided to take matters into their own hands. "All right guys, time to get naked" I ordered. Ernie and Bert seemed to appreciate someone finally taking charge, so they complied. Then I went over to the bottle warmer and grabbed the baby oil. "Hey Ernie, put out your hand." I gave him a good squirt and ordered Ernie to get himself hard. Then I walked over to Bert and did the same thing.

Now before some of you start thinking that I was skimping on my threesome duties, let me point out that my job is get them off at the same time, not get them hard.

So picture 2 grown men facing each other in a tiny dark room, with a naked (and quite beautiful) young woman in between them - whacking off. Now things were starting to pick up. Both the guys were finally sporting good hard-ons and getting into it. Bert asked "Could you squeeze your tits for me?" Teasing is what I excel at, so I started to slowly rub my hands over my breasts.

I turned to Bert and cupped my breasts in each hand. I asked, "So is this what you guys had in mind?" His breath quickened and for a second there I thought he might lose it before I got a chance to practice my art. Hey - it wouldn't be the first time. But it did give me some ideas.

I turned to Ernie now. I lifted up my left breast and gave it a gentle little kiss. "Well? How's this for a threesome?" He nodded vigorously so I guess I was doing my part. But there was still something not quite right. Hmmmmmmmm... Could it be the fact that the bread in our CJ sandwich was still the width of the room? "Are you planning on covering me with that hot cum of yours, or just staining my carpet? Get your asses over here."

I don't usually talk like that in the bedroom, but in my session room the porn talk goes a long way in getting guys aroused. And since I was genuinely nervous about working 2 dicks at the same time, I didn't want to pull any stops. I figured teasing 2 guys is not much different than teasing 1, so I went with it.

I turned back to Bert and told him to stop being a stranger and get that "beautiful, fat cock" over here. Yes, I actually remember saying that. Sounds corny, but damn if it doesn't work. I think it does because most guys never actually get to hear things like that in their real lives.

The guys moved up to within ejaculation range, but they were on exact opposite sides of me. Now if they were planning on showing my shoulders a good time, they were in luck, but personally I thought it was rude to turn my back on one of them in order to give the other a better view of the show, so I backed up a little and asked them to sort of... "move closer together."

I swear that Bert and Ernie exchanged a nervous look. BUT... I didn't know what to make of it. All of a sudden I got this weird feeling, as if E&B were never really interested in this threesome. This left me with 2 possibilities:

1) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted the other guy to disappear, or
2) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted ME to disappear.

Holy shit.

So THAT is what all this macho porno fantasy crap was all about. Well, there was only 1 way to solve this and make everyone happy. And that was to get to the double happy ending. Chances are once I got their dicks in my hands, they wouldn't care if their grandmothers were in the room, let alone another man.

I reached out and took Ernie's matters into my own hand, then Bert's. Both their expressions changed. I was finally in control of the whole situation and I think that's what they needed to finally get into things. I mean, if there's a naked girl with her hand wrapped around your cock, then anything that happens at this point must be OK, right? And if these 2 guys wanted to use me as an excuse to see each other having a good time, then who was I to argue.?

Bert was in my left hand (lucky guy since I jerk left handed) and Ernie was in my right (not so lucky). They were already hard and nicely lubed. And thanks to my amazing skills of seduction, they were almost ready to cum. Have you ever worked 2 dicks at the same time? It's a lot harder than it looks, isn't it? My hats off to all those porn starlets out there who have to do this for a living. It's the timing - it's really tough to do different things with each hand at the same time.

So I was doing the easiest thing, which was working them with the exact same rhythm and stroke - and that was the problem. Each man is different and requires a specific rhythm and technique, and I need to read the guy to get it just right. Working two at the same time and trying to read both of them was rough. I ended up averaging it out and hoping for the best.

I started to work both their shafts in long strokes. On my knees their cocks were more or less at neck level. I took turns looking up into each of their faces. Eye contact is an easy way to heighten arousal and check to see how you're doing. Ernie had this look that was sort of a cross between amazement and disbelief. Couldn't blame him - I was kinda feeling that way too. I blew him a little kiss then turned my attention to Bert. The look on his face was sort of a... hey Bert - my eyes are over here! Stop looking at...

Ernie?

Naked woman on her knees with your cock in her hand TRYING to make you cum and you're looking at your buddy? I didn't quite know how to react. I mean, I'm not exactly used to NOT having a guys undivided attention. But at least now I've figured out what the real story is.

So the question now is how am I going to make everyone happy? And at the same time! I do a quick mental inventory of what I have to work with. Let's see... I have 1 guy who's getting off on me, and another who's getting off on him getting off on me. I think I can make this work.

The key is to get Ernie off first. If he cums, then I figure Bert would be quick to follow. I turn my attention back to Ernie and concentrate on his cock. Too bad for him since he's on my right side and I tend to work left handed.

I make eye contact with him and begin to concentrate on his happy ending. I have a sort of mental checklist whenever I'm about to end a session. You gauge his arousal based on the hardness of his cock, his breathing, his facial expression, etc. Ernie is almost there, so I start stroking a little faster.

Have you ever noticed that when you try to do two things at the same time with your hands that they tend to mirror each other? Well Bert was getting exactly what Ernie was getting, whether he liked it or not.

Ernie's breathing started to quicken and I could feel his dick hardening in my hand. There's this point right before a guy cums where his dick gets super hard - another thing I look for on my checklist. With both hands busy, I couldn't up my game by massaging his balls, or caressing my breasts. So I gave him a serious look and began to slowly lick my lips. That got a loud moan out of him (moaning - check). Now to seal the deal.

I add a little twist to my strokes. This changes the sensation just enough for Ernie to moan again. I slowly point his dick away from my neck and down towards my breast when I feel the first splashes of hot semen... on my left ear.

Holy shit - I had forgotten about Bert. Well, as much as you can forget the other naked man in the room who's penis is in your left hand.

The human body is a funny thing. When it's expecting one thing and gets something else, it doesn't really want to accept the something else and will ignore it as long as possible. That's what happened when Bert came on the left side of my face. I was fully expecting to feel the sensation of hot fluid on my right breast, so when my brain began to report exactly that but from my left ear, I was already half way through my "Oh yes!" when my neck involuntarily turned my head to the left to let it know what the heck was really going on.

My "Oh yes!" was in the process of turning into a "What the fuck?" but ended up sounding like "Oh yea...whaaaaaa...?" when another load of cum hit me square in the nose. Let me tell ya that nothing ruins your concentration more than a shot of hot cum on the nose.

Abruptly, both handjobs came to an end as my brain began to catch up with what was really going on. Let's see... Left ear (check)... nose (check)... hair (oh shit!). I don't believe that Bert actually came unexpectedly. And he got it in my hair! The nose thing doesn't bother me nearly as much since I can just wipe that off. But getting cum out of hair is a pain in the ass. Now I'll have to completely wash my hair at work. And it's going to take forever to dry. And then I'll have to...

"Holy fuck I'm coming!" exclaims Ernie. Apparently my little shock and meltdown didn't slow him one bit. He had taken matters into his own hands and was apparently turned on by the accidental facial. I look over and realize he's not facing me any more - In all the excitement, he had turned and was facing Bert. And that's when the second most surprising cumshot of the evening occurred.

When I say "surprise" it's not because I wasn't expecting it. Oh no. I say "surprise" because Bert wasn't expecting it. At least not expecting to be on the receiving end. With a few good strong pumps of his fist, Ernie had managed to shoot a couple large wads of jizz right past my cumstained nose and onto Bert's cock and legs.

Was it intentional, or during all the excitement did he just turn by accident? Or was it just a case of really bad aim? I don't know. But I thought that the absurdity of the moment was perfectly captured in words by Bert. He said "Dude?"

Then things got quiet as all three of us tried to process what had just happened. I'm on my knees with Bert's cock in my left hand. I have his fresh cum dripping off the left side of my face and onto my chest. He's standing over me with a stunned look on his face while holding onto his own spent dick. Meanwhile he's looking very confused with Ernie's cum dripping off his own cock (and my hand!).

I slowly peel my hand free from the sticky mess that is Bert's groin, and I notice that I'm more bothered by this twisted exchange of bodily fluids than anyone else in the room. OK, if you two lovebirds wanted to slime each other, you really could have done it in the privacy of your own homes without me getting caught in the crossfire. But if in some strange way I've brought you two together under the guise of "threesome porn fantasy" then more power to ya. I've said it before and I'll say it again - guys are so strange.

With the left side of my face and hair a total sticky disaster, I jumped straight into the shower. As I was turning on the water, I just sort of yelled some directions over my shoulder on where the guys could grab some towels to clean themselves up. I was never one for pillow talk, so after what just happened I doubted they even noticed I was gone. Hell, Ernie could have been licking Bert clean for all I knew. I was too busy lathering my hair and wondering if Trina had a hair dryer in her room.

When I was done, dry and clothed I found the guys standing out in the lobby - smoking. Normally I would have thrown a shit fit and threw their asses out, but all I could manage to do was ask to bum one off them. Shit - we had all earned it. I figured I could just spray a ton of air freshener afterward and pray Maude didn't notice in the morning.

And that my friends is the most interesting thing that's happened at work in 2011. Needless to say, the bar has been set incredibly high and there's no where to go from here but back to dullville. Now the most interesting thing that's happened outside of work in 2011 took place later that night when Derek called and asked me "So how was work?"

I said "fine."

CJ

p.s. Originally, I was gonna do this story as a Freak of the Week, but after thinking about it I realized I had a soft spot for these guys and what happened. And in a weird way (and I mean that in every sense of the term) I'm actually kinda glad that I was there for them. Or not for them as the case may be.

Whatever.

The rumors of my arrest have been greatly exaggerated

2011-02-23T01:11:00.002-05:00

Hey guys. Long time no hear? I'm sorry about that, but I can explain. No, I haven't been arrested, I'm not dead, not bored of the blog, or discovered by an overzealous reader. The funny thing is that I still check the comments and email regularly, I just haven't had the time or the motivation to post. Let me explain.

Yours truly, CJ, is getting laid.

And I never realized how distracting that can be! And I don't mean in the "let's fuck each others brains out till the cows come home" kinda way. I mean the fact that I no longer have any alone time anymore.

For example, I actually have a pretty good freak of the week story I've been working on for almost a month now. The problem is that every time I think I have a free moment to write, Derek is around. And it's not like he's luring me away from my computer with tender kisses on my neck or anything. It's more like he needs something like a little boy. So when I'm trying to get into the right frame of mind to describe a particularly erotic scene, it's easy to get distracted...

John's breath was quickening as I stroked his hard cock with both my hands in a twisting motion. His hand moved from my ass and reached up to cup my breast. Fingers found my nipple and I...

"Hey! do you have any potato chips around here?"

That kind of interruption kinda throws you off your stride. And so I've been averaging 4 sentences a night for weeks now. Do you know how frustrating that is?! And talk about a mood killer. And that doesn't even include the times I have to hit save or close the window so no one can see what I'm doing.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm loving the fact that I'm getting it on a regular basis again. Shit, it's been like 3 years since I've had a steady thing. And the honeymoon phase is still going strong. So please don't bother me just yet with annoying questions about whether I'm going to confess "everything" to him. I'm sure I'll fill you guys in when it gets to that point and I don't feel like discussing it before then.

So where did I find the time and motivation tonight? I have a cold and there's nothing more motivating than a box full of tissues, an overdose of cough medicine and bad late night TV. Meanwhile Derek is cowering at his place. He's kind of a germaphobe. Isn't that ironic? A germophobe and an erotic massage therapist. If he only knew...

I promise to get my FOTW post up here as soon as possible. Now why didn't I just finish it instead of explaining why I'm not finishing it? Because a runny nose, headache and chills don't create the mood either. But it's the perfect mood when you want to bitch about something!

CJ

Confessions Of An Erotic Writer

2011-02-04T00:07:00.003-05:00

After sitting around for several uneventful hours at work during a snow storm, I have decided to write a book. It's an action story about this girl who works as a tough-as-nails cop by day, and a high-end masseuse at night. I'm going to call it "Licensed To Thrill."

I got the idea from a guy who once asked me if I was secretly a cop trying to entrap customers. So my heroine "Aurora Sparks" is a high-priced masseuse at night, servicing the rich and powerful, including corrupt politicians, mob bosses, and drug kingpins. She gains their trust and gets secrets from them. Then during the day, she uses this information to bust them as detective "Melanie Sands."

So whadya think - would you read it? How about the Hollywood blockbuster starring Angelina Jolie as Aurora/Melanie? I would have that bearded guy from The Hangover Zach Galifianakis as her bumbling partner who's totally suspicious of where Melanie gets all her tips. I would totally see that in the theater.

This is what my brain gets up to when I'm stranded at work in a snow storm with nothing to do. Of course I could have been coming up with something for the blog, but I got totally carried away with this instead. And it didn't help that the only DVD we had lying around was a copy of The Hangover.

OK, back to handjob stories next week. Sorry.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Todd Palin

2011-01-28T12:01:00.001-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I've had a bad cold for a week now. I haven't been to work in 3 whole days! And when I'm stuck home, I really don't feel like writing anything, so I read instead.

Now I'm not for or against Sarah Palin, but I have been following this so called "sex scandal" with Todd (this is what happens when you're sick at home and there's nothing new on TV).

You can read the article HERE.

Turns out he's been seen frequenting a local massage parlor. Then the owner gets busted for prostitution. Put 2 and 2 together and you get a good old fashioned sex scandal!

At first they reported that there was "physical evidence" linking him to the owner, then they dropped it. Now they're saying she's being charged with protitution and there is no association with Todd. Let me give you my take on it.

We have our Regulars here at The Business, and it sounds like Todd was definitely a Regular. The parlor was located in an office building and apparently the tenants kept track of who was coming and going (or going and coming in his case). And as a local celebrity, he should have known better than to be seen coming in and out of a massage parlor.

OK, maybe the owner just gave really really good massages, and Todd was just an innocent therapeutic client. Heck, I have my own set of therapeutic Regulars. Never got a happy ending. Never seen me topless. Just purely therapeutic massage. Of course they're all little old ladies and not the "First Dude" of Alaska...

So for all you aspiring politicians out there reading this you're probably wondering what this "physical evidence" is - for purely academic reasons of course. Well I sincerely doubt the cops were pulling used condoms out of the trash and doing DNA analysis on them. But if she was a typical parlor owner, she was probably keeping a detailed logbook of customers and appointments. And if a mysterious "TP" was penciled in at the exact same time Todd was seen entering the building, then... busted!

Or even better, an autographed pic of the 2 of them hanging in the office! Don't laugh - it happens more often than you think. I've seen more than a few celebrities in here who have no problem flaunting it. I have autographs to prove it! Audrey even has a picture of herself with a pro athlete - taken at her old business.

And lastly, it could have just been the phone records. This would be obvious - especially if the cops had been monitoring the place as they say.

So how can you politicians and celebrities out there protect yourselves? Well here's my list of...

CJ's Tips to Keep You out of the Enquirer:

1) DON'T BE SEEN ENTERING THE BUILDING. Duh. Use the back entrance, wear dark glasses, park across the street, etc.

2) Don't use your personal phone to call. Use one of those pre-pay phones.

3) Use an alias for making the appointment (don't worry about sound silly "John" - we expect it).

4) Don't leave behind an autographed head shot - no matter how much she's willing to knock off the price. I had 1 guy try to pull this on me. In the end, I got the autograph AND my tip.

5) And lastly - USE CASH. Famous people are weird - they either carry tons of cash, or none at all. Pro athletes - WADS of cash as if they've never heard of a bank. Politicians - no cash. Your Honor, do you really want this on the Amex?

If Todd had been a regular reader here, he might not have gotten in trouble. Now if any of my poor under appreciated Eagles are listening, please feel free to come in and let me take care of you (we were robbed!) and I promise to be very discreet.

And if Ben Worthlessburger were to show his sorry ass in here, I guarantee I would have pictures of him being spanked in womens underwear posted on the internet before he made it back to the parking lot.

CJ

Confessions of a Masseuse

2011-01-20T15:18:00.003-05:00

Hey guys. Sorry I've been gone so long, but with the slow days at work I've just been doing other things. So imagine my surprise when I finally checked back in and found such interesting comments on the whole Brett Favre thing.

Well let me start off by apologizing to any Cheese Heads I may have offended. I was in no such way implying that your crack-ho's are any worse than our crack-ho's. Let's just put it to rest and say that we all agree that it's time Brett finally retired. There.

My real intent in that post was to defend the poor massage therapists who were fired from the team. I've been following the story, and I don't think they were looking to cash in on any "story." They complained to management when Brett started harassing them. Management said they were aware of what was going on and would take care of it. And in the end they were still fired. That's when their story went public. And for the record I will ALWAYS take the side of the massage therapists!

And that brings me to another thing. One of the comments I got last week really bugged me. A fellow therapist said something along the lines of how she's always tried to distance herself from the term "masseuse."

So go ahead and google the word "masseuse" - I'll wait. Hmmmmmmmm... Hmmmmmmmmm.... Hum Hum Hum...

Done? What did you see? The first definition that pops up is "A woman who practices massage." And that's it. So we're really all sisters! All the way from that woman at the airport who does the chair massages, to sports massage therapists, to me - CJ. We're all technically masseuses whether you like it or not.

It's ironic, when I first started this blog it took a long time for me to accept the fact that I was considered a "sex worker" by my colleagues on the Dark Side. I mean heck - the "sex" part was only the 5 minutes at the end. The previous 40 minutes was all massage therapy, so I always considered myself more masseuse than sex worker.

Then there's my official job title - Erotic Masseuse. That pretty much covers both bases. My top coming off is the erotic part, and the massage is the masseuse part. Erotic - Masseuse.

So now I'm bothered by the fact that my sister masseuses (on the Light Side) would try to distance themselves from me! A sports massage therapist is a world away from erotic masseuse, I agree. Now your job is TOUGH. I don't have the stamina (or the patience) to do what you do. But by definition, you're still a "masseuse." Don't distance yourself from it - embrace it! But if it makes you sleep better at night, then just preface it with the word "sports."

I'm sorry if a lot of people still tend to think of the erotic side of massage when they hear the word "masseuse." But part of the purpose of this blog is to inform people EXACTLY what an erotic masseuse does, and that it's NOT the same as a therapeutic masseuse. I don't know how many times I've had to explain to some guys that most masseuses do not give happy endings!

Now there's one more thing I want you guys to think about. What else did you learn after you googled the word "masseuse?" Did you notice the 5th entry? Why that's... that's... ME! I'm one of the top 10 results to pop up!

And do you realize what that means? Basically, it means that your humble CJ is slowly re-defining the term "masseuse." Think about that... my humble little piece of the internet is now an authority on what it means to be a masseuse! Scary, huh?

So you better be nice to me.

CJ

Brett Favre Is A Dirty Pig

2011-01-10T11:50:00.000-05:00

And I'm not just saying that because my beloved Eagles crumbled to one of his former teams. Or even that the Jets are still alive. I'm saying that because I've been following this story about him propositioning the Jet's team masseuses.

Forget the fact that this perv sexted another Jets worker and sent her pics of his tiny little sad junk. No, this asshole was actually trying to drag 2 of the team masseuses into some kind of sex romp. Would this be the first time the girls were propositioned by a multi-millionaire athlete? Yeah right - even I won't defend that one. But in an environment like that, you have to be more discrete.

I can only assume that the masseuses in question are attractive women. And why keep attractive women on staff? Because they can - that's why. But we also have to assume that they can give a wicked sports massage, else they would never have been hired. And you can bet money they also have several masseurs on staff for the same reason.

Does this mean that there's never any funny business in that kind of environment? Well, when I heard that the girls did some work at the players homes, I got suspicious. Honestly - do you really think the massages get better when done on a portable massage table in your living room? Yeah right. I'm sure the girls were making a couple extra bucks on the side by "taking care of" the players at home. And it was probably all very hush-hush. It's understood that it's there if you want, but they just don't talk about it.

But then this pig Brett breaks proper massage ettiquete and just calls them up and begs for a threesome?!?! They're not the fat crack-ho's he's probably used to back up in Wisconsin. They're women who worked hard to establish themselves as sports massage therapists for a professional sports team - a dream job. And if they give the occasional happyending outside of work, hey - more power to ya. But you had to be the pig that you are and try to wreck this good thing they had going, didn't you?

To make matters worse, the girls were basically fired when it all came to light. I'm guessing it's because everyone knew about the happy endings, so they had to distance themselves. But come on - that didn't mean that they weren't doing their jobs professionally at work! Sports massage is HARD work (no pun intended). It's probably the most intense and physically demanding form of massage in my opinion. So why would you want to lose that resource for the team?

Then this asshole had to go and spoil it for everyone. Thanks Brett - you're a real piece of shit. Now will you fucking just retire all ready?

CJ

Happy 2011 !!!!!

2011-01-04T17:58:00.004-05:00

Now where are the flying cars and personal robots they promised us?

Anyway, I FINALLY got around to responding to comments from the last 3 weeks. Funny how the slower work is, the lazier I get. I think I'm just happy to take a break after a hectic holiday season. Not much to report here other than Audrey is gone!!! Yeah!!!! We're all so happy about that - especially Maude who's now talking about decorating for Valentines Day. Oh brother.

This picture right here - This is what I'm gonna name my own business when I take the plunge later this year. Whadya think - too obvious? I figure the best way to hide a tree is to put it in a forest.

Now that it's 2011, I can look back on 2010 and be thankful that it's over. For me, this years highlights include:

Audrey leaving The Business
Me running The Business
I got a boyfriend!
NOT getting raided (told you it would end after election day)
"Chicken Fucker" - my favorite Freak of the Week
Bartering for half my Christmas List
I went on vacation! (finally)
Business returning to pre-recession days

I don't know about you guys, but I do New Years resolutions. It's fun to see what you want to do, and then compare notes on how miserably you failed later on. Some of mine include:

1) Keeping a boyfriend for more than a year
2) Seriously thinking about starting my own business
3) Saving money (to do #2)
4) Telling the boyfriend EVERYTHING (in direct conflict with #1)
5) Going legit (in direct conflict with #2 AND #3)

I know that half of them don't make any sense, but I figure with half of them cancelling the other half out, I may actually get something done this year.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and wishing you a fantastic 2011.

CJ

Snow Day

2010-12-29T10:10:00.002-05:00

Well I hope all you guys out there had a very merry Christmas. The Business was closed for 3 days, and then we got a bonus snow day. We thought Monday was going to be a blizzard, so we stayed closed. Then it turned out to be a giant bust, so I spent the day shopping for post Christmas bargains. Yeah me!

Yesterday was the first return to normal. Audrey did not come in, which only confirms our suspicions that the only reason she did show up last week was to pocket some spending cash (at our expense). I talked to Cindy and Trina and we figure that she probably took almost a third of our total customers for the week.

One of you guys asked what tricks she was pulling to get away with it. Well, she pretty much tried all of them in the book. Her favorite was just taking the next guy through the door, regardless of which girl was up in the rotation. Trina said on Wednesday day shift she took 3 guys in a row by just taking over the front desk and telling Trina she would call her when the next guy came in. She said after the 3rd customer she was ready to just put on her jacket and leave she was so pissed.

Another trick of Audrey's is to just tell customers that she's the only girl there. That one works best on the phone. Then she just makes sure that when he shows up, he doesn't see any of us. I used to fall for the old "Could you go out and get me a pack of smokes?" routine. Then I'd get back just in time to see one of my Regulars coming out of HER session room. Then to add insult to injury, he would sometimes think I blew him off!!

The best thing to do to keep anyone from stealing customers is to just sit and stay at the front desk. I did that last week and even so, Audrey would pull rank with "I got this one..." I was seeing red at the end of each shift. I swear, we were all ready to walk.

And poor Maude... The front desk is usually her domain during the working day. But ever since that blow out over the Christmas decorations, she would just hide in the back office. Talk about uncomfortable. You could just feel the tension whether you were in the front or back of the building. Ugh.

But apart from the fact that work totally sucked all last week, my holiday was good. A long weekend of family and friends. And let me tell ya - all my nieces and nephews were LOVING their Aunty CJ. Thank Gawd I took care of most of the shopping BEFORE Audrey got there and cut our tips in half.

This week before New Years is usually dead. We've gone back to a 1 girl per shift schedule, and will probably stay this way till the end of January. So now we spend our time eating Christmas cookies and fruitcake all day. The one and only good thing about having Audrey around is that she would bring in treats she made herself. If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that even though we all hate Audrey's guts, that bitch can cook.

CJ

Merry Christmas!!!

2010-12-25T00:47:00.001-05:00

Hope you guys all have a great holiday!

From The Business -

Trina
Cindy
CJ

The Grinch That Stole Christmas

2010-12-22T16:37:00.002-05:00

This has turned out to be a really awful week. What started off as the most fun holiday season in a long time has now taken an ugly twist - not just for me but everyone here at The Business.

This past Saturday, I was covering the day shift with Maude. The morning was going just fine when guess who walks in the door...

Audrey. Back from the dead after 9 months. I speak to her on the phone about once a week, but this was a total surprise. I could tell by Maude's reaction that she was expecting this little visit but didn't bother to warn me.

At first it was all a kissy-kissy lovefest. But when things settled down and Audrey got down to business, she went into total bitch mode. First she explained that she was here to "help" us out during the busy Christmas weeks. "Help?" I asked. Last time I spoke to her, I said the workload was just fine and that the 3 of us were handling it just fine. But I guess she saw the numbers from Maude and that greedy little bitch thought she could drum up a little bit of extra spending cash at our expense.

Now I know that Audrey still owns The Business and I have absolutely no right to complain about her wanting to work. But come on - to just show up unannounced when we have a full schedule and basically take away HALF our customers each shift? That's bullshit. And when I say that I'm being generous. That motherfucking cunt has pulled out ever trick in the book to take all the good customers this week and stiff us with all the therapeutics and cheapskates. It's almost like she came out of retirement with a vengence just to remind us who's really the boss around here.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. From the moment she set foot inside the door, she wanted all the decorations to be torn down. She started by telling Maude to "get rid of all this crap" on the front desk. I winced when I heard that because I know how much the decorations mean to her. Heck - it was all I could do get her to take down the lights and move the tree.

Audrey tore into her sister. And let me tell you, the got into it right then and there. I've never seen Audrey yell that much before (not including some of our fights of course). But when sisters fight it can get ugly and personal.

When it was all over, I had never seen Maude that upset before. And that's when it occurred to me - Maude takes this job seriously. Sure - to some people she's just the lady that schedules handjobs and cleans the toilets. But to Maude - she's The Office Manager. And this job didn't just give her a steady paycheck, it gave her a purpose.

I know that sounds funny, because most people would say Mother Theresa had a "purpose." But I guess when you've spent most of your adult life sitting in a trailer staring at a TV, then it's a lot easier to find a purpose. And The Business became Maude's.

I'm not gonna fault her for it. In fact, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the planet if I did (instead of the top 100), since I've made a career out of this place (and a decent one at that). I guess I just never figured the front desk to be important since that's not where the money is.

So I've been trying to cheer Maude up this past week, which is not easy considering it feels like death around here - what with most of the decorations being taken down and Audrey here almost every shift. We're all stressed out with all the tension in the air - and Christmas almost here. Luckily, we're closed for the 3 day weekend. I don't expect Audrey to come back since it's usually dead until the end of January. So we'll just have to suck it up till then.

But if it makes Maude feel better, maybe I'll encourage her to decorate for Martin Luther King Day.

CJ

The Christmas Spirit

2010-12-15T11:47:00.001-05:00

I mentioned last time that things around here were pretty glum before Maude showed up. Typically Christmas here at The Business was just that - all business. We're usually pretty busy because of Thanksgiving, hunting season, and Christmas. And Audrey was never really one to decorate for holidays since she considered it in poor taste. I mean, come on - just because a guy is sitting in the lobby waiting to get his dick rubbed, doesn't mean a ceramic Easter Bunny on the counter is going to kill him.

Another reason why things get down is because the customers are all pretty moody. Most of them are grumpy because they've been on a 3 week spending spree and they're broke by the time they get to us. Around Thanksgiving and hunting season, everyone is still in a good mood because they've still got money. But by mid December, customers start turning into the Grinch. And now every session all I hear about is how expensive everything including THIS massage. Hey - I gotta buy presents too buddy.

So this year the mood is different because the place is decked out and we actually get to feel like we're doing something festive. And you wanna know what the biggest hit has been? Our holiday getups! Turns out the guys appreciate our little festive atmosphere. I don't know how many times I've been asked to keep the Santa hat on (and nothing else) during session.

But what's really been interesting has been the holiday lights. Trina got all of us these battery powered necklaces made up of Xmas lights. So this new trick we do in the room is to turn the lights down and wear just the necklaces.

For a topless, I'll drape the lights around my neck and across The Girls. For the most part, the guys love it because in the dark the only thing they can pretty much see are these multi-colored breasts moving around the room. Another thing I've tried is tying the lights around my waist during a nude massage so my butt is lit from above and my breasts from below. One customer called it "sexy as shit" because the way the lights and shadows move made it very teasing.

On another good note, 2 customers have commissioned me as their personal holiday shopper. I spend my down time at work on the laptop digging up gift ideas and placing orders. So ladies - you may have to thank me for that "perfect" holiday gift from your spouse this year.

I'm actually gonna miss it when we have to take everything down next month. Between that and business going dead (it usually does in January) it's gonna get depressing around here really quick.

CJ

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like... Maude

2010-12-10T09:47:00.001-05:00

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a fucking Christmas tree in our lobby."

That's the voicemail I got from Cindy the other day. When I first heard it, I didn't know what I found more shocking - the fact that there's a Christmas tree in the lobby of The Business, or that Cindy managed to use the F-word and "Christmas tree" in the same sentence.

First off, our lobby isn't that big, so I really couldn't picture where a tree would fit. And second, why on Earth would we need tree there? It's awkward enough for our customers to have to wait between sessions, but to make them sit and stare at a Christmas tree too? Our customers are usually here at this time of year to escape the holiday season, not wallow in it.

When I came in to work yesterday, I discovered that Maude, our resident Martha Stewart, kinda went overboard with the decorations. I explained to her that the little plastic snowmen on the desk were one thing, but this giant tree dominating the front entrance is something else. She was hurt at first, but after some negotiating she agreed to move it to our break room. We had to remove the table to squeeze it in there, but it fit, and Maude even had fun redecorating it.

Personally, I love Christmas and don't mind the over-indulgence here at work. It's in stark comparison to Audrey's bare-bones, sterile, bah humbug attitude of last year (and the year before and the year before...). I mean she never really did anything festive around here. And when you're stuck here 40 hours a week, you welcome anything that cheers things up.

So having her sister here managing the place is sort of a breath of fresh air. She keeps the place super clean and she takes care of all the mundane chores. And now as we've discovered, she takes her holidays very very seriously. Thanksgiving for example - she decked out the lobby in fall decorations and even taped a giant cardboard turkey on the refrigerator. It looked like a kindergarten class around here. But when the woman vacuums the floors and cleans out the fridge - you really can't complain.

Then Christmas rolled around. Maude brought in 4 plastic crates filled with Christmas decorations. When I asked her how she could afford all this she said not to worry - these are all her "extra" decorations from home. Let me tell ya - that must be some decked out trailer. I bet you could see it from space.

Not only did she stick an 8 foot tall tree in the lobby, she also put up garland around the desk and lights in the window. I'm not exactly a grinch, but I did make her take down the lights. I had to remind her we're a massage a parlor, not a Hallmark store. But overall, she's definitely lifted the holiday mood around here - which is usually depressing. I bought a necklace made of Christmas lights that runs by battery. And we've all been taking turns wearing a Santa hat when we're on the front desk.

Heck - we're even thinking of doing a secret santa this year! Of course it can't be that secret when you only have 4 people in The Business.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Hustler

2010-12-02T12:29:00.002-05:00

I had an interesting mix of customers over the past week. Some newbies, some Regulars I haven't seen in a while, and even some local grannies in for their yearly therapeutic. We get this weird bump in Little-Old-Lady traffic about this time of year as they dust off the gift certificates their sons bought them LAST Christmas and forgot to use.

It's the perfect gift when you think about it. A guy can come in, pick up a gift for his mom, get his own holly jollies, and cross 2 things off his Xmas list. Then when his wife asks him later if he took care of his mother, he can look her square in the eye and say quite honestly "Oh yeah, I took care of her."

But that's not the most interesting thing to happen around here this week. The other day I had a customer come in carrying a large shopping bag full of boxes. I asked him what the deal was, and he said he was there to barter. He opens up the bag and pulls out boxes of cool stuff including:

Snuggies
Toys
Cell phone accessories

Apparently this guy runs kiosks at several malls and he was doing a supply run. He explained that they specialize in high profit/high turnover stuff just for the holidays. And let me tell ya - even I was thinking "I could use 2 of those, and 3 of those..." Sure, the stuff is mostly crap made in China, but there isn't anyone on my list who couldn't use a snuggy or a remote control car.

So I asked him what he had in mind, and he asked "so whadya do around here?" And I have to admit that I was sooooo blinded by all the shiny goodies that I broke erotic massage protocol and discussed options and extras at the front desk! Let me tell ya, if this guy had been an undercover cop then lock me up because I pretty much gave up the entire store.

"I'll take my top off for one of those monster trucks and 3 snuggies."

"Are you kidding me? I can't keep these trucks in stock. They're like gold. How about you also waive the door fee and I'll make it 4 snuggies instead?"

"I can't waive the fee - my boss would fire me! But let's say I did.... that's gotta be worth what, 2 robot dinosaurs?"

"2 dinosaurs? You're killing me! OK, for that I want the door fee waived, full body massage, you totally naked, and a blowjob."

"Nice try baby, but I don't think you have enough snuggies and dinosaurs in that truck to get a blowjob. However, I might give you a breast release if you throw in the monster truck, the dinosaurs AND one of those helicopters..."

He gave me a confused look and that's when I knew I had him. I explained to him in VIVID detail what a breast release consisted of. And to seal the deal, I made sure to stand up and slowly unzip my hoodie. The visuals worked, and he finally just said in a defeated tone "follow me." We went to his truck and inside was a motherlode of gifts for Christmas. We settled on our final exchange of goods for services. Basically, it turned out to be enough stuff to cross off a significant portion of this years gift list. Heck - he even helped me carry it to my truck!

I can't wait to see my nephew's expression when he opens up that giant remote controlled helicopter on Christmas. I only hope my sister doesn't ask "So how much did THAT cost?"

2 ounces of baby oil and 5 minutes of my time?

CJ

Black Friday

2010-11-30T12:04:00.000-05:00

Well another Thanksgiving has come and gone (no pun intended). And the one thing we could all agree on was that Friday was definitely black - and not in a good way.

Business this year was bad. Good for November, but bad for a Thanksgiving weekend. Friday and Saturday nights didn't need 3 girls on schedule. We could have gotten away with 2, and the days may as well have been 1. My Erotic Economic Indicator says that Christmas is going to be a cheap one this year.

The one interesting thing from this weekend is that we definitely had a Black Friday crowd. Let me explain...

I opened The Business early on Friday. Usually it's Maude's job, but she was out shopping all day and was scheduled to close. Anyways, when I got there there was already a guy waiting out in the parking lot. I unlocked the doors and started my morning routine - turning up the thermostat, firing up the oil bottle warmers, and checking the phone messages.

That's when I noticed there were like 3 hang up calls from the night before and about another half dozen from that morning. There was a knock on the front door and I saw the guy who was waiting. I let him in and he admitted that he had called once about an hour before to see if we were open. Turns out he was one of those early morning bargain hunters, and thought this was the perfect excuse to be out of the house and dropping large amounts of cash without anyone noticing.

So I'm guessing that all those hang-ups were from his fellow bargain hunters. But midnight on Thanksgiving - seriously? At that hour you should be home in a turkey induced coma - not out cruising for someone to choke your chicken. Then again, if you're willing to camp in front of a store for 8 hours in the freezing rain for the chance at wrestling a little old lady for a $99 TV, a little manual stimulation may be in order.

Mr. Early Bird made a joke about whether we had any Black Friday "specials" going on. I actually thought that was funny. By the 4th time I heard it that day, it wasn't so funny. And by the end of the night I found myself saying "Please don't make the joke... Please don't make the joke" whenever the front door chimed.

But apart from all the work crap, my weekend was pretty good. Had lots to eat on Thanksgiving at Mom's house. Played with all the kids and caught up on gossip. And I even managed to do some shopping on Saturday before my evening shift. So overall, not a bad weekend.

And now begins the mad rush before Christmas. Now remember guys - giving the gift of massage is an excellent choice for your spouse. And we do offer gift certificates! Just make sure you include the tip. Not kidding - everyone forgets to throw in an extra $20 for the therapeutic gift certificates.

Now go out there and shop!

CJ

It's That Time Again - The MOTHER of all Massage Weekends

2010-11-24T08:08:00.001-05:00

Hey guys!

Once again we've reached the beginning of the holiday season with Thanksgiving - or as I like to call it - The Mother Of All Massage Weekends. It's kinda been a tradition for me to convince all you guys out there to go find your local massage parlor this week. So today will be no exception.

For all you newbies out there - you're probably wondering why this is the busiest weekend of the year for us here at The Business. Well, erotic massage is one of those self-indulgent treats that relies heavily on 3 things:

Urge
Opportunity
Money

And what other holiday provides these 3 things in abundance? Where else but Thanksgiving puts millions of cranky guys (urge) on the road (opportunity) right before the big shopping season (money).

So there you are... 2 hours into a drive that normally takes 45 minutes, heading to the house of that cousin that you never really liked, and with a wallet that hasn't been bled dry by holiday gifts for people you barely even know. Then suddenly you see it - a neon sign in a window that says "Spa." Things start going through your mind... "Should I or shouldn't I? Heck, I'm late anyways. And I could really use a massage. Perhaps I'll just stop by for a minute..."

And THAT is why this is our biggest weekend of the year.

Most of our customers this week will be newbies travelling for the holiday. But we also get lots of returning Regulars who want to do one last thing for themselves before they go broke over Christmas. Both Trina and Cindy will be here doing double shifts. And I think all 3 of us will be covering both Friday and Saturday. Heck, even Audrey hinted at coming in to "help" the last time I spoke to her. So any of you guys lucky enough to stumble across The Business this weekend will have a variety to chose from.

Heck, even Maude has gotten into it! She actually decorated the place in Thanksgiving stuff. Little paper turkeys on the walls, decorative flower arrangements, and even one of those Horn-o-Plenty things on the front desk (or "horny"-o-Plenty as Cindy kept calling it all week - which was only funny for about 10 minutes then it got old really really fast). Now all we need is for Maude to show up at work dressed as a pilgrim and we'll be set.

Hmmmmmmm.... Maybe I'll offer a special "Pilgrim and Indian" role play option this week. I'll wear a feather in my hair. And nothing else.

Happy Thanksgiving!

CJ

Crackdown Update

2010-11-18T11:43:00.000-05:00

Well it's been 2 weeks since the election and 3 weeks since the last raid. And as I suspected, there's been nothing since then. Now that the dust has settled and local political jobs are safe for another couple years, the cops will go back to handing out parking tickets and eating donuts.

I hope.

Anyway, I checked in with my girlfriend who runs her business out in the burbs. Those raids 3 weeks ago scared the shit out of all her girls and it took a while to get everyone comfortable enough to come back to work. Luckily they seem to have escaped any unwanted attention. However, she now tells me that a local town is drafting a new ordinance targeting massage parlors.

It works like this... Basically it's requiring all the girls to be licensed and prove citizenship (which is just a rehashing of state law anyway). This citizenship bit obviously targets the AMPs. It also limits the hours of operation so any unlucky guys who absolutely positively need a massage at 1am will have to cross the border to Jersey (which I guess is fine if you don't mind your masseuse having 6 inch nails and being the color orange).

Normally, rules like this wouldn't affect places like The Business since our hiring paperwork is clean and our hours are not suspicious. BUT this new law will require the town to personally inspect each parlor for compliance. THAT is the clincher. It's really a golden key to get you unlimited access to any suspected parlor. I'll bet you money right now that most of the parlors around here wouldn't even be able to pass the cleanliness inspection, let alone the citizenship tests.

Needless to say, my friend is worried that these new laws will work their way to neighboring towns, including hers. I'm not too worried about it since this is probably just some bullshit publicity stunt leftover from the election. The town authorities probably had to write the law to fulfill all those campaign promises they made a month ago. At least with a police raid all you have to do is waste the cops time for a couple of days until you get your name in the papers for being tough on crime.

I had a similar discussion with a customer recently. He said my theory on crackdowns before an election was BS because there was a nationwide bust of a gang-run prostitution ring just AFTER the election. So why would the feds wait a few days to do their raids if it's so good for politics?

That's because if you're a local mayor/police chief/councilman/etc., the LAST thing you want is the feds stepping in and basically embarassing your local cops by doing their job for them. An FBI raid just shows that you have no control over crime in your town.

And how do I know all this you ask? Well, you gotta talk about something when your customer is a lawyer or a cop (or even a local politician!).

CJ

Freak Of The Week - Shavers

2010-11-16T11:34:00.001-05:00

The new Freak Of The Week is courtesy of my new girl "J" up in Canada. Heya!

She reminded me of a whole class of guys that I never really considered as freaky. They are the shavers - guys who ask you to shave them down. Now I did a FOTW a while ago on a guy we call "Captain Haircut" but his deal was very specific and ritualistic. What I'm talking about are the guys who want me to shave them down with a razor.

I haven't had a request for this in a couple months, but when I do it's no big dea since we have the showers for easy cleanup. Shavers ask me to shave their body, backs, pubes and balls. Most common request is balls and pubes.

Since I classify this as a fetish, I charge an extra $100. We keep disposable razors and shaving gel in the back closet for just this occasion (or another special request where I shave myself - but that's a whole other story). Then we just throw everything away when we're done.

There's usually no massage involved and we just get down to business. I'll ask the guy to take a quick shower first since it helps with the whole shaving process. Then I'll have him lie on the table with a couple extra towels under his butt since it's going to get messy. Next, I'll take some shaving gel in one hand and gently massage it into his pubes and then his balls (if I can remember - I try to stick the container in the bottle warmer before we get started to help make this part more pleasant). I'll fill a cup with some hot water from the shower to keep it handy to clean the razor.

When he's good and lathered up, I'll start by shaving his balls. I've discovered that this makes for good foreplay with a Shaver. I've done this often enough that I even have my own technique of gently manipulating the skin of his sack so I get a good close shave. And all that attention to the balls usually gets him nice and aroused for the next part.

So when he's all cleanly shaven down below, that's when I'll take my well lathered left hand and slowly wrap it around his cock. Then I pull it down and out of the way (and if it takes me a few tries before I get a good angle at his pubes, he never seems to mind). With my right hand I'll then shave a patch of skin, then "reposition" his cock with my left. So in essence the customer gets a sort of alternating tug-n-shave. But I always hold the dick perfectly still while doing the actual shaving motion because the last thing you want is anything moving around when you're using a razor.

At this point, some Shavers might have an "accident" during the shave - which is the point I guess. So that's why I try to help it along because I get to kill 2 birds with 1 stone. But usually after I finish the shave, I offer to do the happy ending immediately while they're still aroused and not wait till after they've rinsed off in the shower. Some guys don't even ask for the end part - they're just happy with the shave.

After the happy ending, I'll clean them up real quick with a fresh towel and send them back into the shower. With the remaining few guys who prefer their handjob after the shower I have to be extra careful because sometimes the oils we use will irritate their skin. Nothing kills the mood faster than a guy jumping up and down, holding his junk and yelling "That burns! That burns!"

Told ya we should have done it with the shaving cream!

CJ

The 15 Minute Option

2010-11-11T18:22:00.001-05:00

Someone sent me this comic today and I thought it was hilarious. It got me thinking about all the guys who ask for our "cheapest" option. It was never really an issue back in the good old days, but for the last 2 years we basically had our own version of a Bargain Basement Special.

The 15 Minute Option was made official by Audrey when business had all but tanked a couple years ago. I mean we each had our own personal version of it, but it was kinda hush-hush. The problem was that the shortest session we offered was 30 minutes, which means that it cost at least $30 just to walk through our doors. Then on top of that, our cheapest option is topless for an additional $80. So the cheapest session with happy ending was a total of $110.

Then Audrey cut her prices for topless without telling anyone, and the customers start complaining that the rest of us are charging too much. So then Trina, Cindy and me dropped our topless price as well. Then to make matters worse, the economy tanked and now customers are trying to barter with us. "Look, I'll give you $27 and this half-used gift card for Olive Garden..." It was that bad.

Now I had my own "Blue Light Special" if you will. For Regulars that I liked, and who were in a hurry, I'd offer a 15 minute session when Audrey wasn't around. Without her at the front desk, I could let the customer skip the door fee. Then in the room, I'd basically give them a 10 minute back rub, followed by a fully-clothed happy ending for $60. They're happy for saving time and money, and I'm happy for pocketing a decent tip without having to undress. A win-win for everyone.

When business got bad, we were hit with this wave of bargain hunters. Guys with hard luck stories. Guys threatening to take their business elsewhere. And in some cases, guys offering to pay with DVD players and cartons of cigarettes.

And their M.O. was usually the same - get their naked asses up on the table before I had offered options. They figured I'd have no choice but to agree to whatever scheme they had in mind. But unfortunately for them, in my line of business, the customer is NOT always right. I don't know about you guys, but in my book lying naked on a table with your limp dick hanging in the breeze is not exactly a good position to negotiate from. So whenever some customer would say "I only have $20, take it or leave it," I'd usually just open the door to our brightly lit hallway and then point to the exit. Amazing how that bright light helped them find extra money in their wallet.

Sometimes I'd compromise and offer them either a topless massage OR a happy ending. NOT both. But I never liked offering this option because I still spent the same time in session, but for a smaller tip. So when Audrey finally let us start offering a 15 minute session, none of us argued.

It works basically like this: $20 at the door so Audrey still makes her money, plus another $40 in session. And in 15 minutes, you pretty much only have enough time for some chit-chat and a handjob. I don't even bother to offer clothing options because these guys just want to get in, get off, and get out. Sometimes I'll take my shirt off for a sort of "bra only" option if it helps to get them off quicker, and most importantly - encourage them to take a longer session next time (that's what I call marketing).

The 15 minute option was popular for a while, but now things are picking back up and we're seeing more 45 and even 60 minute sessions again. But the 15 minute option is still great for the man on the go. Get in, get off, get out, and still have time for a burger before lunch is over.

The Pimp-n-Ho Economic Indicator

2010-11-04T13:01:00.002-04:00

I told you guys I had a funny story about pimps and drug dealers. Well, it occurred to me the other day when I was talking about how they make lousy clients. And they're lousy for a couple of reasons (other than the fact that they draw too much attention to a business). We get our share of P's and D's (Pimp's and Dealer's) in here because face it - who else has more disposable income? And that's why I think they make a great economic indicator.

I've talked about the Erotic Massage Indicator, and the Handyman Indicator - we're the first one's to know when things go bad because we rely so heavily on disposable income. But when times are bad, you can always count on the P's and D's because they always seem to have money, and in some cases even MORE money. So now I would like to introduce CJ's "Pimp-n-Ho Indicator."

Take for example a cousin of mine. "Benjy" runs his own custom car stereo place. I'm talking the top-of-the-line stuff, not your $200 Sony radio with cassette player. He specializes in the extreme, 27 speaker, 50 gigawatt, 12 LCD screen, mobile disco on wheels. His work has been featured in car magazines and TV shows. And it's NOT cheap. He once offered to pimp my ride, but when he mentioned price my left hand cramped up at the equivalent number of handjobs I'd need to cover it. That's the level we're talking here.

Anyway, not too long ago he was doing a great business. But back then it was professional athletes, young dot-com millionaires, or guys doing well in real estate. He tells me now that he barely scrapes together enough money for rent by relying on business from P's and D's. They're mostly guys from the city looking towards the burbs for either a bargain, or just something different.

I'm not fond of their business either because one way or another, they're always trying to recruit you. And they're very pushy because that's just the way they do business. So I just assumed that Benjy hates them for the same reasons. Turns out that's not the case. Benjy just hates them because they're cheap, greedy, self-centered assholes. Let me explain...

When you're working with high-end stuff, whether it's stereo equipment, custom cars, fancy speedboats, etc., your business relies on reputation and word-of-mouth. I guess rich guys don't exactly reach for the yellow pages when they want to pimp out the Bentley. Instead, they see something they like at trade shows, magazines, or their rich neighbors driveway, and then just ask where they got it.

Apparently in the social sphere of Pimps and Dealers, this is considered a serious breach of etiquette. Benjy said that the problem is that whenever he finishes a job for P's and D's, he knows that all that work is a dead end and will not generate any additional sales or increase his reputation. The P's and D's will take all the credit for themselves, and will not divulge who did the work for them - no matter how many shows they do or photo spreads they get. They basically consider people like Benjy as "their little secret."

Some of you are probably thinking so what? - they paid for a product, so they can do whatever they want with it. But as Benjy pointed out to me (after I said just that) he can't exactly advertise high-end services like his in the newspaper. Instead, he has to rely on the occasional plug like "as featured in Extreme Noise Magazine" or "winner of the 2009 Ghettoblaster award."

So now my cousin is just hoping things will pick up soon so he can be more selective with his customers. I know what he means. I feel the same way about customers who smell bad.

CJ

Update, Correction and Apology

2010-11-02T14:50:00.001-04:00

Between all this talk about crackdowns and raids, Audrey decided to close The Business for Saturday and Sunday.

Well, to be more truthful, it was between all those Halloween parties that we closed up shop. Trina and I had way to much to do this weekend with all the costume shopping and beer runs and whatnot in preparation for a weekend of Halloween festivities. Cindy was willing to work, but both Audrey and I agree that she wouldn't know she was servicing a cop even if were in full uniform, with a badge and carrying a video camera. "And I thought he was doing a role play..."

You know who did work this weekend? Maude - Audrey's dull sister. Let me tell ya something, that bitch takes her job seriously. I mean, she came in, worked the phones, and told anyone who called that we were unavailable. AND she cleaned the place from top to bottom! Personality of wallpaper, but a good worker.

Looks like we didn't miss much since there was no more news on raids this past weekend. Let's cross our fingers and see if the interest in parlors ends today.

Now I'd like to take the opportunity to apologize about my comment the other day about the clientele of full service parlors.

What I was trying to say is that WHEN a parlor's customers change over to drug dealers and criminals, that it will attract too much attention and eventually get taken down. That's what happened to a couple of places around here a few years back. I was not trying to say that EVERY full service place is patronized exclusively by pimps and dealers (however, I do have a funny story regarding that which I'll share later). The point I was trying (poorly) to make is that a parlor's worst enemy is attention of any kind.

There are 2 kinds of attention: cops and neighbors. The current crackdown is based on the attention from neighbors. A national organization fighting human trafficking has teamed up with local religious groups to identify and investigate suspicious parlors in the area (yes - I read the paper too). And I'm sure many businesses in the Delaware Valley ended up on a list of some kind that they turned over to the feds/townships/police/etc.

And this leads to the other kind of attention: cops. This is the really bad kind of attention because unlike neighbors, cops can shut you down. And cops HAVE to investigate if there's been a complaint. So after everything was said and done, they shut down about 20 Asian massage parlors and 2 American ones. My guess is that the American ones got thrown in there because they were just waaaaay to obvious to ignore.

And this is why I made that bad example of how a parlor can call attention to itself by its customers. Actually a very successful parlor (whether full service or not) will have an incredibly dull clientele. And that's the kind of business you want - not politicians, celebrities, or criminals. Sure, they may be more interesting and have more money to throw around, but there's either a reporter or a cop who followed them here taking pictures and writing down license plate numbers. No thank you.

So my apologies to my fellow masseuses out there if I offended anyone. And you full service fans - sorry if I lumped you in with the "wrong" crowd.

CJ

Anatomy of a Raid

2010-10-28T14:46:00.001-04:00

I've never been in a raid myself, but I know quite a few girls who have. So here's what I know and heard.

Before ending up here at The Business, I worked at a place that had recently been taken over by a new owner. This guy has no idea what he was doing and instead of acting like a manager, he acted like a pimp. Not only did he not mind the girls doing full service in session, he actually encouraged it. So the place basically went from massage parlor to brothel overnight. And when this asshole told us we had to fuck him to keep our jobs - most of us quit.

That place got raided about a couple months later. Not because any of us squealed on him, but because his business began to attract the wrong kind of customer. That's one of the main differences between the clientele of a massage parlor and a brothel. In a parlor, the customers are mostly guys who are just thrilled to see some boobies and get a handjob. In a brothel, you'll get criminals spending their latest haul, and drug dealers looking to score a few new customers.

So to answer some of your questions, yes the cops do come in with guns drawn and making a lot of noise. This is for 2 reasons. First, they want everyone in the building to know that this is a raid and not a robbery. So anyone packing (and I will neither confirm nor deny whether we typically pack or not) will think twice before reaching for their own stuff. And second, they need to protect themselves just in case someone is dumb enough to pull a weapon (ya never know if that big spender you just had in session got all his money from knocking over a liquor store).

Raids happen super fast. They have to if they want to actually catch anyone in the act. Unlike a drug bust, we don't have any evidence that can be instantly flushed down a toilet. Instead, they want to catch the girls (and guys) naked in session. That way they can at least get you for public lewdness/indecency/etc. for having 2 naked bodies in the same room. Judges don't tend to buy the "...but she was topless for therapeutic reasons!" defense. Believe it or not, they go for the lesser charge of indecency because it's hard to get the charge of solicitation to stick. Mainly due to lack of evidence.

Now before some of you start crying "bullshit" because you read in the paper that the girls in a raid were all charged with prostitution - that's because they had all solicited undercover cops before the raid even started. Unless they have on camera a guy offering money for sex, there's no evidence to prove anything. There can be a pile of money on the counter, a guy tied to a bed with a gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass, and a trashcan full of used condoms - there's no real evidence of prostitution. My friends that have been caught up in raids all had those charges thrown out in court.

HOWEVER... that doesn't mean that no one's going to jail. With enough "prostitution paraphernalia" lying around, they can usually bust the owner for running a house of "ill repute." The girls can all be arrested and have the shit scared out of them. And depending on the true nature of the raid, the customers may or may not be dragged through the streets for all the neighbors to see. At the very least, the guys will be questioned and released with the promise to never show their penises in public again. At worst, they'll be actually arrested and charged with public lewdness, with their names sent to the local paper.

That's exactly what happened around here a number a years ago. A place got raided not for the girls, but for the high-profile customers. No one famous, but a couple of business-owners and community-leader types. We all guessed they had a few enemies looking to take them down.

As for the businesses themselves - this is a free country and there is no law against offering massage services to the public. The cops can't confiscate your building. In fact, one of the first AMPs to be busted a year ago petitioned to reopen shortly afterwards. The owners reasoning - "I didn't know the girls were all illegal immigrants from Korea having sex for money." So if the place doesn't reopen under a different name, it'll probably just pack up and move across town.

Now why would anyone running an illegal business want to stay in the exact same notorious spot you may ask? For the same reason any good business would - location, location, location. If you've spent a few years building up a clientele at that address, why confuse anyone by moving it? Face it - EVERY town has 'that place" that's rumored to be a brothel/parlor/crackhouse/etc. And notoriety is the kind of advertising that money can't buy. So if you can't reopen at your old address, someone else will.

So if we're taken down tomorrow, chances are I'd post bail and be on my computer telling you all about it that night. Or maybe not since the DOJ is monitoring this website.

CJ

Too Close For Comfort

2010-10-26T16:50:00.002-04:00

Wow - what a week.

9 parlors taken down. 8 of those were in a neighboring county just over the weekend. Busy week for law enforcement and bad news for working girls. However, since all of them were Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs), I don't feel to badly.

I tnink this pretty much illustrates what I've been saying all along about the elections. Everyone who's in office and wants to stay there will take credit for being "tough on crime" at the expense of some poor girl trying to work off her debt to her mafia owners. These raids are the kind of thing that the local news loves since they combine everything that makes for great TV:

Sex
Organized Crime
FBI
Politicians
Disgraced husbands walking with coats over their heads
Frowing girls with no makeup

Hey guys - you wanna get tough on crime? How about fixing downtown so I can walk down the sidewalk after 8pm without getting robbed? Sorry - but that kind of cleanup can't be done before voting day.

Am I getting bothered by all this? Oh yeah. It's starting to make me nervous again - especially since I thought we were in the clear. We've been seeing newbies for a couple months now, and even I'm wondering if maybe we should lay low till next week.

Speaking of which, I have a girlfriend who owns a business near where they busted those 8 parlors over the weekend. I mentioned her before - she offered me a job a couple years ago when I was tired of Audrey's bullshit. Anyway, I called her up as soon as I heard. She was pretty much hiding under a rock when I called. They're more or less shut down, simply because she can't get anyone to come to work, let alone answer the phone. Not that she wants to go to work! She's scared to death to drive anywhere near that place right now.

We talked for over an hour and I filled her in on what's been happending out here, since we've been the center of the crackdown for over a year now. I suggested that she do what we did - just stop taking new customers for a couple of months. Period. End of story. She thought that was crazy and none of the girls would go for it. But I said what better way to guarantee no narcs than only taking Regulars?

We also swapped a few tips on keeping ourselves safe in this environment. However, I would still bet money that the crackdown fades away in a couple of weeks. And another thing I'd like to point out - out of the 2 dozen places raided over the past year, only 2 of them were good old fashioned American massage parlors. It must take a LOT of complaints before the cops are forced to take one down. Just goes to show that they really don't care about business such as ours, until they're noticed by too many people.

Now if I go suddenly off the air without a trace, then we'll both know that I was completely and utterly full of shit!

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Reporter - A Happyendingz Exclusive

2010-10-21T14:01:00.002-04:00

Hey guys - you're not gonna believe this, but I got an exclusive interview with one of the girls who used to work at the parlor that got shut down last month. And even more unbelievable, it's courtesy of Audrey.

Apparently "Crystal" just started looking for a job and got Audrey's number. They spoke for a bit because Audrey is considering hiring another girl. Personally I don't think we need the help. The 3 of us are fine with the number of sessions we're currently doing, but Audrey is so greedy that the thought of losing a single customer because he couldn't wait 30 minutes between sessions just eats her up. Who cares if a 2nd girl has to sit around for 6 hours waiting for that to happen, as long as Audrey gets that door fee.

But I digress.

Anyway, Audrey called me up and asked "You want to talk to this girl? She's from that place that just got raided." Well of course I wanted to talk to her! The blog aside, I wanted to know what happened just out of professional curiosity. Whatever we can learn from their mistakes, right?

So Audrey put me in contact with her, with the promise that I had to see if she'd be a good fit. I told Trina and Cindy too and they wanted to know all the details when I was done.

Crystal worked at the other place on and off over the past year. She only covered 2 shifts per week and was not officially on the books. This is probably why she got lucky and slipped under the radar screens during the raid. In PA parlors it's not uncommon to have girls working under the table since the only staff you can legally have must be licensed massage therapists. For example, Cindy is not officially on our payroll. There are loopholes in the laws concerning training, experience, etc., but I won't bore you here with it. Enough to say that the new laws are designed to weed out the full service massage parlors.

According to Crystal, there were a couple other part time girls who also avoided the raid, but they have sworn off the massage business for now. The crackdown really has made a lot of local girls nervous about working.

Crystal is what I like to call "Half Service." She'll do an oral release in session (with condom) but won't do actual sex. She saves full service for a limited number of customers she only sees outside of work. Because she wasn't full service, she was scheduled to just help out on a couple of shifts per week. I explained to her that we're not full service and she said she was cool with that. I also mentioned that part time availability is fine since we're not busy enough for a full time hire (which is true).

I asked Crystal if she's heard any news or spoken to any of the other girls recently. The others who weren't caught in the raid are laying really low for now - afraid that the ones who got arrested will turn on them for the prosecutors. Apart from that bit of news, she's avoiding that part of town like the plague.

Now the danger of hiring a girl like Crystal is if her name ever comes up in the investigation of the other parlor, they may eventually track her down over here. And THAT is the kind of publicity we can't afford.

I asked if she had any idea they were about to get raided. She said apart from the stories in the paper about the crackdown, she wasn't expecting it. They thought they were careful, and they thought they had people looking out for them. Oh well - just because you have a couple local cops as customers doesn't mean the state won't target you. Especially in an election year! Speaking of which, I'll bet money that the crackdown will miraculously end this month. That's local politics for ya.

And lastly for the heck of it, I ended our interview with "So Crystal... have you had any customers lately looking for a girl named 'CJ?'" She said "no" and I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed.

When we were done on the phone, I told her Audrey will be in touch if we decide to hire her. She actually seemed nice enough - especially if she only wanted a couple of shifts. But with the crackdown going on, she may be too hot to handle right now.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Stinky Stan

2010-10-19T16:18:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've had anyone worthy of FOTW. But I've been sitting on a couple stories for a while as I waited for the whole serious cloud to blow over. Lucky for you guys, I can finally tell them.

Stinky Stan is relatively new, but he's already been in here twice in the last month. In fact, we've had a whole wave of newbies recently, and business has been decent. Anyway, the first time I saw him, we had a normal session with nothing exciting to write about.

Then the other day he comes in and Trina lets me know with a "Get your ass up front cause I'm not going back there." I was like Huh? And she was like "You'll see."

You know how you can tell some people are around before you see them? This was the case of Stinky Stan. I started walking up the hallway when the smell hit me. And it was pure ass. Imagine a really dirty diaper left wide open and sitting right in front of you. That's what this smell was like.

I think I actually staggered when it first hit me. When I regained my composure, I held my breath, waved to Stan, and quickly ushered him into my room. I asked him very kindly to jump into the shower and then get comfy on the table, and I'd be back in 10 minutes. Then SLAM - I closed that door and let out a gagging noise. Trina was already coming down the hallway spraying Lysol.

Some of you guys out there are probably wondering why we didn't just throw him out. On occasion that has happened - usually when it's a repeat offender who REFUSES to hit the shower. Then there are some customers that even the shower isn't enough.

So I figured a quick scrub and 10 minutes for the room to air out would do the trick. And it did. I came back in the room and Stan was up on the table and fresh as a daisy.

I started the session (45 minute G-string) and things are going smoothly. Then it hits me - a whiff of ass. Now if a guy passes gas in the room, it's no big thing and I can tolerate it. But this odor didn't go away. In fact it began to get worse.

I tried to ignore it and just concentrate on the massage, but after a while it just became too much. I stopped the massage so I could light all 3 aromatherapy candles in the room. I didn't say a word either. He knew it. I knew it. The candles knew it. It was BAD.

Stan wasn't one for small talk. And I didn't want to talk because I figured the less I opened my mouth in this cloud the safer I was. My stomach started to ache and I could actually feel a sort of gag in back of my throat. Have you ever noticed when you're sick, that the thought of throwing up just makes you want to throw up even more? Well that's what began to happen here.

And right when I thought I couldn't take any more, I looked up at the clock and... 20 MINUTES LEFT?!?! Holy fuck. I can't... No way... Oh Gawd...I'm gonna...

"Excuse me."

In a great display of restraint, I casually opened the door and walked out - almost butt naked except for a G-string. I didn't care if my own mom was standing outside that door. I shut gently shut it then jumped into the customer bathroom. I didn't even make it to the toilet - I hurled right into the sink. The cool air in the room felt good, but I still retched and heaved a few more times.

After a few minutes, I calmed down and cleaned up myself and the bathroom. I checked the clock behind the desk. 15 minutes left. Ugh. May as well be infinity.

I realized right then and there that I could not finish this session. Mentally I could not be in the room for even a few minutes. So I took a few deep breaths to calm down (and savor clean air) and I walked back in.

"I'm sorry Stan, but I think I've got food poisoning or somerhing..." Like I'm really gonna tell him the real reason!

Then Stan looks at me with a deep feeling on concern and understanding. A moment passes where our souls seem to communicate without words but through eyes only. He pauses and lets out a slight sigh. Then he says the most profound words I have ever heard in my entire life.

"Oh that stinks."

I told him I really had to end our session early and apologized for not getting to the end part. He was disappointed, but I offered him a double next time and he was cool about that. But it didn't really matter at that point because my brain was already in the back office trying to catch its breath. I don't know if Stan noticed that I didn't even dress up - I just grabbed my clothes off the chair and left the room.

I put my clothes on in the office and begged Trina to see him off. She mumbled a few words to him about how I didn't look good and it was very understanding of him, etc. I would say it took about an hour or so for my stomach to settle back down again.

So next time someone says "that stinks so bad I wanna throw up" picture me standing over a sink wearing only a G-string and actually doing it.

CJ

WTF?

2010-10-13T11:34:00.002-04:00

Holy Shit.

The last thing I remember is telling you guys that I finally got around to answering questions. Then I check in yesterday and discover everyone went postal on each other. That's what happens when I leave you guys unsupervised for a week. And to make matters even worse, I found a few highly uncomfortable items in the comments that I had to remove. Now before you start bitching about how everyone is entitled to their opinion, well let me remind you that this is MY blog. So there.

At first I was amused about some of the comments and I was fully planning on responding. However, I soon realized that things kinda got carried away and it wasn't going to be that simple. Now I wish you guys out there would stop using "Anon" because it makes it hard to keep track of who said what. So I think I'll address what I see as the general topics.

Let's begin with a story, shall we?
About every month or so, 2 town cops park at the far end of our strip mall. We call them the Blues Brothers, because they wear dark glasses and sit in a cop car. They show up to scare off customers for a few hours and to show the locals that they're on the job (personally, I think it's the guy next door that calls them). Business slows down for a few hours, then picks up when they leave.

With 2 policemen sitting right outside our door on a regular basis, they have yet to bust in and shut us down. So I sincerely doubt that the key to cracking "The Mystery of the Anonymous Happy Ending" was discovered by a particularly overzealous reader spending months surfing websites about handjobs. When he finally called the "DoJ" to report an anonymous girl telling stories about anonymous men at an undisclosed location receiving unsubstantiated sexual favors, I kinda doubt their reaction was "We hope he found all his evidence on the internet!" And honestly, the DOJ? Please. At least make up something believable next time.

The Search For CJ
When I first started confessing what a typical day is like in a massage parlor, I thought it would be funny if someone actually figured out who I was. I think I even offered a freebie or something to the first person to come in and mention the name "happyendingz." Boy was I wrong.

The first time a customer mentioned the blog, I was scared shitless. Suddenly the reality of it hit me - confessing secrets anonymously on the internet wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I don't know which one of you Anons said it, but I don't think the readers are morons. Heck, quite a few readers have been in The Business since I started this blog. But I can honestly say that not a single one of them have found the real "CJ" because I have never admitted to it. What I have discovered is that a lot of guys out there have found A CJ, not THE CJ.

Turns out some of the local girls have confessed to being CJ to make a few extra bucks. I've heard this from friends at other parlors (more on this later), and a couple customers. Kinda creepy when you think about it. But if I find it creepy, I can only imagine what it must be like for all my fellow masseuses in the Delaware Valley. I wonder what they think of the whole "Are you CJ?" thing?

Promi$cuity
You know who I hate? Waitresses. Bunch of fucking stuck up bitches. The other day I walk into a restaurant and I ask for a grilled cheese sandwich. After enjoying my sandwich (and diet coke), she has the nerve to hand me a bill for my sandwich! I was like "What the fuck? I can get this at home for free. Where do YOU get off charging me money for something that I can get at home for nothing." That's the problem with restaurants - they would be a lot more fun if it weren't for all these assholes asking you for money. I love to eat, but it becomes demeaning and exploitive when money gets involved.

THIS is what I thought of that comment about promiscuity and money.

CJ is a Dirty Whore - or What Am I Doing Here?
I always find it amusing when people have critical things to say about me or my job. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I even appreciate the occasional "You should save your money and get a real job." Hey - that's the plan.

But what I really don't understand are the people who insist on defining me as a whore, slut, skank, etc. The purpose of this whole confessions thing is not to get your approval for what I do - it's to inform you on what really goes on in this industry, and hopefully give you a laugh at the same time. But these guys who are really angry and spiteful with me, it's almost like they keep reading and reading every week in the hopes that one day I'll end a story with...

"... it suddenly occurred to me as I had my left hand wrapped around his cock and 2 fingers up his ass while I whistled the Star Spangled Banner, that what I was doing might be wrong. And at that exact moment I decided to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior and turn from my wicked sinful ways..."

To these people, let me remind you that this bog is about happy endings. Heck - it's right in the title!!! Have you noticed that every story ends with a handjob? You get a handjob! She gets a handjob! Everyone who walks through the door gets a handjob! Why are you guys continuously surprised and disappointed? If you're really that sensitive and would like your stories slightly less handjobby-ish, may I suggest you try www.Disney.com.

And for those of you still waiting for my conversion to the good side, let me remind you that I am a cradle born Catholic. Hypocrisy is my middle name.

Haters and Lovers
What can I say about the guys who have nice things to say about me and blog - I love you guys! YOU get it. Read. Learn something new. Have a chuckle. Done. That's it. There really is no ulterior motive to this blog. I meet an interesting character in session. I tell you guys about it. And that's pretty much why I started confessing everything on the internet.

Those of you who don't believe me - fine. You try spending 40 hours a week in session naked with a stranger and NOT have something slightly peculiar happen. Those of you who think I intentionally lie to promote some sort of agenda - Great! I'm actually flattered that you think I'm a lot more than just some silly girl who gives happy endings for tips and then writes about it. But the fact of the matter is that I just write about what I see. And if it hasn't happened to me in this little corner of PA, then I know nothing about it.

And finally, to those of you who have actually paid attention to what I've said, taken notes, and have successfully gotten an erotic massage at a local parlor - good for you! You are the wind beneath my wings and the reason why I have so much fun doing what I do.

CJ

FINALLY....

2010-10-05T16:38:00.002-04:00

... got around to answering comments from the last 2 weeks. Sorry!

CJ

Taboo

2010-10-04T13:54:00.001-04:00

When you're trying to find something interesting about work to talk about, that's when you realize all the stuff you're NOT allowed to talk about. I've always made it a point to never use real names (that's why there's probably a dozen stories in this blog about a guy named "Mike"). I've slipped up a few times, but it's not like anyone will ever figure it out.

Hopefully.

CJ Who?
Now when it comes to interesting customer stories, I have to be careful about who I write about and when. For example, I make it a point NOT to mention readers who have actually done their homework and found The Business. And yes - there have been a lucky few. You have no idea how freaky it is to have a guy on the table asking me if I've ever heard of "CJ" or "happyendingz." So the last thing I can do is write "another guy found me yesterday" without him figuring it out. And those guys can NEVER be a freak of the week, which can be damn frustrating, let me tell ya.

The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Guilty
Another thing I can't mention are the actual names of local businesses. I mean if they're in the paper as getting shut down, I can't stop anyone from finding it on the internet. But real names I'll never post here. When I first started this blog, I used to make the mistake of recommending local parlors to guys who asked me by email. Then it quickly dawned on me that if I mention the competition, then by the process of elimination they could eventually find me. So now my standard reply to requests for appointments or recommendations is "sorry, but I can't for obvious reasons..."

TMI
Then there's things I just shouldn't talk about - or at least not in too much detail. For example, I've been keeping you guys up to date on how we've been protecting ourselves here at The Business during the current crackdown. I've mentioned a few things we've done, like cut off newbies for a few months, but then there are specific techniques that we use that I won't mention here - just in case. So before any of you assume that we're all sucking off state troopers to stay in business - think again. That technique obviously didn't work for the other parlors that got raided recently. However, if any of my girls are out there reading this (Red I'm talking to you), I'll gladly give you an update on the latest intel.

Regulars
Lastly, there are my beloved Regulars. I've made it a point not to do profiles on my regular customers because over time I'd probably end up revealing enough info for these guys to recognize themselves on the internet. That's why I usually do individual stories, with a new fake name attached each time. The last thing I need is a Regular to realize "Hey - I'm Freddie the Foot Fetish Fan!"

A Guy Walks Into A Bar...
And did you ever notice how I start my stories with "A guy came in yesterday..."? It's always "yesterday" or "last week" or whatever. So if anyone out there thought I was talking about you personally because you just happened to be in a massage parlor yesterday wearing women's underwear asking to be spanked - I apologize. Maybe it really was you yesterday. Maybe not. But never ever assume that you're the only guy on the planet who practices your particular little kink. Hell, I still meet foot fetish guys who are shocked to hear that I have a standard price for that.

Think you're the only guy who ever dressed up as Little Bo Peep, and asked me to baaaa like a sheep? There's a reason why they sell her costume in XXL in adult toy stores.

Now if I ever slip up and mention the butterfly tattoo on your left ass cheek........ oh shit!

CJ

Another One BItes The Dust...

2010-09-28T11:57:00.000-04:00

Well another parlor got raided recently only this time it was 100% good-ole All American (USA! USA!). A little bit too close to home? Oh yeah. That's a dozen raids in the last year alone. And according to the paper, the FBI has now jumped in to investigate ties to organized crime and human trafficking.

I didn't know any of the girls personally, but Audrey said she kinda remembered one of them. I think she said one of them may have talked to her about a job last year. I don't remember.

Am I surprised? The only thing I'm surprised about is how long it took to get to that place. I mean it was pretty well known as a full service parlor. According to the paper, police were responding to complaints from neighbors and this is NOT part of a "crack down."

For as long as I can remember, they never really went out of their way to cover up what they did. Hell - even their name was a dead giveaway. It was one of the places that puts an ad in the local weekly entertainment rag with pictures of women in bikinis asking you to "cum on in." I mean it was that bad.

OK... maybe not THAT obvious, but it was still pretty bad.

So I guess all the paranoia around here was justified over the summer. Shit, we cut off newbies for several months so that probably saved our asses. Between that and Audrey cashing in whatever favors she had left, The Business will live to see another day. And I will bet you money that after the elections, there probably won't be another raid for a long time.

Think about it - local ultra-conservative religious group demands the town to cleanup the parlors. Local politicians jump on that bandwagon for a full year before the elections. Coincidence? It never is. Just haven't seen it this obvious in a long while.

CJ

The Tale of Two Hookers

2010-09-23T16:41:00.002-04:00

The other day I started telling a story about Cindy, and then I turned it all about me. I can be such a selfish bitch. So today I owe you one.

The last story I told about Cindy blowing a customer during a double was the last time anything like that happened. We've done a couple more doubles since then, but they were just standard happy endings with 1 girl doing the HJ and the other one teasing. But I am reminded of the time Cindy and I entertained a couple of Sugar Daddy's back in the good old days. I've mentioned this story before, but today I'll tell the whole thing.

Actually, it was my SD and one of his buddies. The buddy was in town and my SD wanted to entertain him properly, so he asked if I could hook him up for the evening. Cindy was game (hell - she's always game), so we made plans to meet them at their hotel for an evening of dinner, drinks and "whatever."

Cindy and I really got slutted up for the occasion. My SD (we'll call him "Tim" and his friend "Mike") enjoyed being seen in public with a girl on his arm. So our thing was to get dressed up and paint the town red. He wanted to turn heads, so I'd get all decked out in something tight with "knock-me-down-and-fuck-me" heels, then he'd take me to busy restaurants, bars, etc. At the end of the evening, he'd usually just drop me off at my car or home, and that was it. He never asked for HJ's when we were out - he figured that's what The Business was for.

This night was pretty much the same routine, except now we were doing it as a double date. However, Mike had different expectations on how the evening would end - and that's where Cindy came in. I think Tim's exact words were "Do you have any friends that could like... do him?"

So there we were - Cindy and I all dressed to kill. I told her how Tim likes to see me dressed, so she was similarly done up in a short dress and heels. Biggest difference was that she had taller heels and showed way more cleavage. In other words - sluttier (I still love you Cindy!).

We drove over to the hotel in my car with the radio cranked up - just having a good time. We got there early and decided to have one last smoke before we headed up to the room. So out in the parking lot, we lit up and stood outside the car listening to the radio.

A couple minutes go by and an older gentleman wearing a tie with a short sleeve shirt walks out of the hotel and towards us. He's staring straight at us the entire time, so we know something's up. As he gets closer we can see that he's wearing a name tag like he's the manager or something. Cindy and I stamp out our cigarettes.

"Excuse me, but I'm going to have to ask you two to leave." He looks dead serious as if he's done this drill before and we obviously know what the hell he's talking about.

I said "Uhhhh... why? We weren't doing anything." Cindy and I both looked at each other confused. "I'll turn the radio off," I said as I stuck my head in the car window.

"Don't play around." His look didn't change any. "I don't care what you do, I just can't have you two working here."

Did he just say "working?"

Cindy and I looked at each other. Then we started laughing. And the more she laughed the more I laughed. This was obviously not the reaction the guy was expecting. He starts to stammer "uhhhh... I... uhhhh..."

Between belly laughs, Cindy points at me and squeaks "He thinks you're a hooker!" before doubling back over in laughter.

Now I can't breath because I'm laughing so hard. But I catch my breath and yelled "YOU look like the hooker!" Then I loose it again.

Come to think of it, we probably both looked like hookers - although technically I was acting as a pimp that evening. And also an escort. I was a sort of pimp-scort.

The manager guy finally let out a relieved laugh and explained that we both looked like hookers - especially on the parking lot security cameras. When I finally calmed down, I told him we were meeting our "Johns" inside, then going out to dinner. He got another laugh out of that, but I guess it wasn't too far from the truth either.

Tim and Mike were waiting for us in the lobby since we had been delayed. Cindy and I told the story on the way to dinner. Luckily they found it funny too.

Dinner and drinks were fun. I checked in with Tim in the middle of the evening and we agreed that Mike and Cindy were hitting it off. I made it a point to act flirty with her in public so Tim would have more to brag about later.

We were all pretty toasted by the time we got back to the hotel room. Tim's an older guy who tires out easily, so I knew he would just want to chill out. We planted ourselves on the pull out sofa and started watching late night TV. Unfortunately for Mike and Cindy, there was no other room to go hide in. So they started making out on the bed by the light of the TV screen.

For the most part we ignored them. I got up a couple of times to get a fresh beer for Tim and myself. Each time I glanced over, they had switched positions and another article of clothing was missing. They thought they were being subtle by sliding underneath the sheets, but when a head disappears and you see a lump in the sheet rising up and down, you can figure it out.

Tim and I turned the volume of the TV up as they got louder and louder. Thankfully, there was a final grunt from Mike and the sheets stopped moving. A few minutes later, Cindy gripped a king-sized pillow and made a dash for the bathroom with her tiny, crumpled dress in her hand. Mike lit a cigarette.

Good timing - I was getting sleepy. After Cindy had freshened up, Mike said his goodbyes to Cindy and then Tim walked us down to my car. I kissed him goodnight before he handed me an envelope.
"Thanks girls!" he said with a smile and yawn. "I don't think Mike will ever forget this night any time soon."

And I haven't either. Cindy and I split the cash in the envelope and she ended up seeing Mike a few more times whenever he was in town. As for me, I love the fact that I finally have a place where I can tell this story in it's entirety.

CJ

Cindy Revisited

2010-09-21T16:35:00.002-04:00

One of you guys asked for another Cindy story and I realized I haven't talked about her lately. Funny thing is that I recently discovered something about her that I thought I could mention.

Cindy has a sugar daddy.

At least that's what it sounds like to me. I know she'll occasionally see a customer outside of work, but I guess this guy has become a sort of regular thing (let's call him "Gary"). I've met him a few times - he's been in that often. Seems nice enough, a bit young in appearance for a SD, but who knows - maybe he's a dotcom millionaire or something. Then again there are some guys who just love that "Suicide Girl" look that Cindy has perfected.

If Gary was coming in that often, I can understand why she offered to start seeing him outside of work. She's never shied away from blowing or even fucking an occasional customer in the room, but at least this way she won't get busted by Audrey's sister. And he saves the door fee. BUT, she lives with her boyfriend (and baby daddy) and I don't know how she's explaining the occasional midnight trip to the grocery store.

[And yes, I know that she'll probably read this in a couple of days, but it's not like I haven't said this to her before.]

Perhaps I'm reading too much into her situation. I mean, I don't have a SD right now but now that I think about it, I'm not sure how I would explain to Derek about some of the odd work hours I would suddenly have to put in...

"Yes dear, I did work the morning shift, but Trina needs to leave work at 10pm and there's no one to fill in for that critical 1 hour before closing time and I could really use the extra money to help pay for that fabulous birthday present I want to get you since it's only 11 months from now, and have you been working out because that shirt looks really good on you, would you like a blowjob?"

I'm not sure if the idea is uncomfortable for me because of guilt, or because of inconvenience. I lie about 8 hours of my day, so what's the big deal about an extra hour or 2 - right? Maybe it's because SD's require an extra amount of attention and availability. I don't know, I'm feeling funny even talking about it right now.

Luckily, there are no Sugar Daddy's or even potential ones on my radar screen at the moment. I have to admit that the admiration and attention they provide is fun, but I'm just seeing it differently this time. Oh well. Let's just hope that Gary doesn't have a rich, horny, and handsome brother.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Economic Indicator

2010-09-17T15:49:00.000-04:00

Well I have some good news for a change. I was talking to Audrey the other day and she confirmed that August was our busiest month in almost 3 years.

I knew business was going to pick up a little bit because last month was when we finally started letting newbies back into session. Heck - we went for most of the summer relying on just Regulars for business. So the total number of customers jumped to pre-economic meltdown days.

A good chuck of that was new customers, but we also saw in increase in business from Regulars. Audrey said the door fees were also good, but not the same as 3 years ago because guys are taking shorter session times nowadays. As for tips, August was great because we finally started offering options to newbies again. We were getting killed with the therapeutics because guys generally don't tip with those.

So what does this all mean in terms of the economy? Well the official HappyEndingz forecast is that the number of guys with disposable income is finally returning to pre-recession levels. In other words, more people have jobs now. I mean, August may have been a fluke due to the high number of frustrated, horny newbies who were banging down our door all summer. So we'll see if the numbers continue to stabilize through the next quarter.

As for levels of disposable income, it looks like the consumer index is still low on this one. Guys are willing to spend money on massages, just not nearly as much as they did pre-recession.

According to the "CJ Options Index" - Topless is up, while G-string remains flat. Fully nude and mutuals are still way down. Meanwhile on the "CJ Extras Index" - breast and butt releases are slowly making a comeback while foot fetish remains at an all time low.

And that's my take on the economy. Next up - Erotic Sports and Weather!

CJ

Distracted

2010-09-14T09:08:00.002-04:00

Wow - I can't believe that I actually went a week without realizing I hadn't posted anything. But I guess you could say that I've been "distracted" lately. That's the polite way of saying that I've gotten laid.

Hmmmmmmm... Bitch about work or go fuck? Tough one there. Answer Email from borderline stalker or quickie in the shower? Let me think about it...

The beginning of a relationship is always fun. It's the middle part where I have to juggle privacy versus intimacy that I hate. And then there's always the end part where everything turns ugly and I eventually spend a Saturday night drinking tequila and sorting out my CD's from his.

I've been talking to you guys about the fine line you have to walk regarding personal relationships when you're in this kind of business. So will I take any of my own advice and try something different this time in the hopes that maybe it'll turn out differently? Probably not. I know me and I fear change. So I'll just stick with what I know - the slowly spiraling maelstrom of lies and deceit that ultimately ends with total relationship destruction and emotional ruin.

But for now I'm getting laid! Go me!

So let me start by giving you guys a quick idea of the unique aspects of dating an erotic masseuse.
Always Wait For Us To Shower
The last thing you want to do is suprise us with an "intimate" encounter when we first come home from work. "Oh baby... you smell so good, what's that scent you're wearing?"

"That's jizm from my 3 o'clock."

Give Us Time To Decompress After Work
I once had a boyfriend that basically tore my shirt off after I came home from work - wouldn't take "no" for an answer (the Girls are known to have that affect on people). He proceeded to give me a very thorough tongue caressing of my nipples. And I might have enjoyed it too, but unfortunately all I could think about was the breast release I had given 30 minutes ago. Totally weirded me out.

Don't Buy Us Lingerie
You really don't know what awkward is until your boyfriend asks you to wear that "special" thing he bought you last week and you suddenly realize you've already sold it to a Regular. Or even worse - you can't wear something because it's stained. And those stains aren't his...

So that's what I'm about to go through now. Wish me luck and I promise to bring you something more work related next time!

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Undercover Detective - Part 2 (The Sting!)

2010-09-01T14:03:00.002-04:00

Hey guys! Sorry I left you hanging with that last story, but it was getting late and I had to get back to work. This last week has been crazy busy. In fact, I spoke with Audrey the other day and she confirmed that August has been our busiest month in almost 2 years. But more on that later...

Now when we left off, Derek had just shown me that phone number he had gotten from his masseuse on the boardwalk. I swear - I was seeing red. I sooooooo wanted to run back there and tear her a new one. How DARE you proposition a guy who obviously came in with someone. And in broad daylight!!!

Well, Derek calmed me down and got me to drop it. But I did vow to get to the bottom of whatever it was that just happened. Partly because I wanted revenge, but mostly out of professional curiosity. I mean - how do you advertise an illegal business through a legal one? Are they both owned by the same person? Is one a front for the other? Or is she an independent? And most importantly - if I wasn't there, would she have offered a happy ending to Derek right there behind the privacy divider?

That night before dinner, I had derek hand me that phone number. I *67 my number and called.

"Hello" said a heavily accented voice.

I've done this a hundred times before - it's my Ditzy Housewife routine. "Yeah hi. I would like to schedule a massage for today."

There was a hesitation. There's always a hesitation at hearing a female voice. "Uhhhh... you have wrong number. We no do that here."

"But I got your number from my husband who said he gets his massages there." I love to throw that in to confuse them. I seem to know what's really going on, but why would I know from my husband? She's probably wondering if I want a happy ending too.

"Uhhhhh... no appointment. We booked." I was disappointed - she caved way too easily. She should have just kept denying everything then hung up.

"How about tomorrow? Or anytime this weekend is good." Now I was just torturing her because I knew she can't say anything. I wondered how she was going to bail.

"Hold please."

Whoa - I wasn't expecting that. Usually they just hang up on me. It's the easiest way to tell if a massage parlor is legit or not - have a girl call up and try to make an appointment. Now for you newbies out there looking for an erotic massage - all you have to do is find a girl you can trust to make that call for you!

I heard some chinese chatter in the background and finally a not-quite-as-accented woman picks up the phone. "Hello, can I help you?"

Now it was my turn to be caught off guard. "Uhhhhh... Yes... I wanted to schedule an appointment please."

"I'm sorry, but we are no longer accepting any more appointments. I will give you the number to call to make an appointment."

Ahhhhhh... so that's their game. She gave me a local number and then hung up. Of course I immediately called the new number. And guess what? It was for the place on the boardwalk! Each place was a cover for the other!!!!

Derek asked for the number back so he could schedule an appointment. I told him to fuck off. At this point, I don't think he knew what to make of my enthusiasm for this undercover investigation. And it probably didn't help any that I immediately got on the phone, called Trina and told her everything. Derek started yelling in the background that he wanted his own happy ending, so I told him if he keeps that shit up, he'll be taking care of his own happy endings from now on.

And that was my undercover reporting on the secret world of New Jersey Asian massage parlors (or NJAMPs). If any more of you guys out there have something to add, feel free. In the comments last week, someone left a great story similar to mine.

CJ

Confesions of an Erotic Undercover Detective (Part 1)

2010-08-25T12:14:00.002-04:00

My little confessions over my vacation were not the only uncomfortable moments that week. In fact, the whole massage parlor, masseuse thing became kind of a running joke. Let me explain.

In Atlantic City, the boardwalk is chock full of cheesy souvenir shops, greasy diners, amusements, and (... drum roll please... ) massage parlors. But these aren't the kind that I work in, or even the AMPs that I deplore. On the boardwalk there are actual massage parlors filled with rows of massage tables and chairs for all the world to see. They are not happy ending places, but more of a walmart of massage services.

They rely on the tourists and make their money with low prices and high volume. And by coincidence, they just happen to all be run by asians. I can't claim that they're all sex slaves trapped by the mob - particularly since there's no sex going on and half the staff are guys.

So there we are... Derek and I walking down the boardwalk and passing these places every day. It started off with little jokes like "Hey CJ, is that what you do?" or "You wanna try it?" At first I would just laugh it off, but then it became "how about a couples massage?" or "I bet you could show them a thing or two."

Oh you have NO idea.

But it just got old after a while. I mean he just kept bugging me about it until I had to tell him to knock it off. However, I felt guilty for snapping at him and eventually it was me who brought the subject back up. As a peace offering I actually offered to buy him a massage. Heck, I should have thought of it before - for just $30, he shuts up and I get 45 minutes of uninterrupted shopping.

Unfortunately it backfired. When we got inside one of these boardwalk places, they did the hard sell and tried to get us both in. Now let me take a step back and describe what these places look like. They're basically an entire shop space that's nothing but massage tables and chairs. There's no store front, so you can see inside the entire thing from the boardwalk. People just walk in and get a table or chair massage while hundreds of people walk past and gawk at you.

Needless to say I was horrified at the thought of lying down on one of these nasty ass tables while teenage boys point and giggle. You may think I'm in no position to criticize another parlor, but let me tell ya, in my room at The Business, you could eat off those floors (just in my room - Audrey's room was a biohazard).

There was NO way I was gonna touch those tables, but I did agree to a 30 minute foot massage by a rather fatherly looking Chinese gentleman in a dress shirt and tuxedo vest. Meanwhile Derek arranged for a 45 minute full body massage with a short, round Chinese woman wearing a T-shirt with Justin Bieber. Derek double checked to make sure I was OK with him getting a massage by another woman, and I was like "knock yourself out."

Now let me add one more piece to the puzzle here. This place was basically a line of 6 massage tables and massage chairs, then there's a privacy divider in the back. Apparently there's one more table behind the divider that can't be seen by the public. And behind that is the business office and restroom for the staff.

It was behind this divider that a short, busty Chinese girl suddenly appeared. And when I say "busty" I mean artificially busty. I think both my eyes and Derek's popped out of our heads. He gave me this sort of "I'm sorry" kinda look as she led him back BEHIND that divider. I figured there wasn't much trouble he could get into in a place like this, BUT I wasn't going to touch him until after he thoroughly scrubbed himself off back in the room. All I cared about at this point was getting my foot-on.

Let me tell ya something... I've never had a professional foot massage before. I mean, I've done the pedicure thing where they might rub your feet for a minute or 2, but that is NOTHING compared to 30 minutes with a professional. Holy Shit. I swear to Gawd, if this old guy was a sex slave owned by the mob, I might have to reconsider my stand on AMPs. It was soooooo good that HE made a foot rub feel like a blowjob. It was THAT good.

I completely forgot all about Derek and his petite top heavy masseuse behind the divider. She could have been blowing him for all I care, as long as it didn't bump me from the cloud I was floating on. But alas, all good things must come to an end. I didn't need a happy ending to my foot rub because 25 of those 30 minutes were pretty much happy ending enough for me.

I wrapped up before he did, so I got to sit in the massage chair and just relax for a few minutes. I asked if I could smoke a cigarette, but Tuxedo said I'd have to go outside first. Damn men are all alike - they thrill you then leave you.

Derek walked up a few minutes later and we walked out together. I asked him how it was, and he said not bad considering he had all his clothes on (you don't disrobe in these places - they just do you in your shorts and T-shirts). I asked him jokingly if she offered him a "happy ending" and he said no, but she did offer him something else.

He motioned for us to keep walking while he fished in his pocket for something. A few store fronts down, he pulls me around a corner and shows me a piece of paper. "She gave this card and told me to call this number if I wanted anything else."

Why that little motherfucker. That full service skank propositioned my man right in front of me! I wanted to storm back there and tear that little slut a new one, but Derek calmed me down and convinced me to just laugh it off. Ha ha.

Now the business part of me actually wanted to call that number and see what the deal was. Is this how parlors advertise in Jersey? I have to admit I was curious.

But this wraps up part 1 of my expose on Atlantic City massage parlors. Time for me to get my ass to work!

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Confessor

2010-08-19T18:14:00.002-04:00

Hey guys. My little vacation was exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries, but it's funny how sometimes work just follows you no matter where you go. Let me explain.

I have a bunch of things I wanna share with you from last week, but I need to keep it simple else I'll be blabbing here all week. Anyway, let me start off by saying that this vacation was the longest time I've spent with a guy (Derek) in a very long time. And it was interesting in an academic kinda way. I'm back to those age old questions of what do I tell him and when. I spent the week pondering things such as:

Should I tell him about The Business?
How much should I tell him?
Confess that I'm not really a shampooer?
Admit I'm really a massage therapist?
Tell him I occasionally strip to a bra for extra money?
Tell him the whole thing is temporary?
Say my coworkers are all full service sluts, but I'm a good girl?

Makes for interesting conversation when he's saying something like "...I hope to manage the store in a few years and I may go back to school for my MBA..." Meanwhile I'm thinking "... I could tell him about the foot fetish guys, but definitely not the cross dressers..."

Now to make a long story short, I told him I'm really a licensed massage therapist and not a shampooer. I lied because guys usually expect massages all the time (which is another lie - most guys actually don't care and never take advantage of those particular talents of mine. Go figure). Derek was cool with it and said he understood (but I knew he didn't).

He then felt compelled to confess to me that he wasn't exactly truthful about how he found out where I worked. Apparently, he had gotten the directions from that skank girlfriend of mine, but then googled The Business and couldn't find anything. Said he knew all along there was something weird about my story, but didn't want to ask about it till I was ready. Thank Gawd he didn't try stopping by again!

Laying that much stuff on the table was easy. The weird part was towards the end of the week when we were messing around on the balcony of the hotel. He wanted me to "use your hand in that special way" (yes - he said it that gaily). So I told him to sit still so I could do it right. I went in the bathroom and got some baby oil from my bag (never leave home without it!) so I could give him a proper hand release. A few minutes later he was grunting and slapping the arms of his chair while I jerked him off onto the balcony floor. He turned to me, looked me straight in they eye and said "Where on Earth did you learn to do that? I swear that it felt just like a blowjob."

I wanted to tell him about my infamous double-handed criss-cross technique, and the various cell-phone videos of it floating around the web. But instead I just said "I musta picked it up somewhere."

CJ

The Craigslist Killer - Good Riddance

2010-08-16T17:47:00.001-04:00

Hey guys - I'm back.

So much to talk about from my first real vacation in a couple years. But for right now all I want to say is good fucking riddance to this fucking asshole...

http://abcnews.go.com/US/TheLaw/craigslist-killer-philip-markoff-swallowed-toilet-paper-revived/story?id=11413302

This piece of shit made me sick. And with him gone it's 1 less reason for all of us to look behind our backs. It's not like this way of life isn't dangerous enough as it is, but for this fucker to prey on women just trying to make a living in a world that isn't protected by the law just really put me over the edge. I hope that mutherfucker is burning in Hell right now.

Can you tell I'm slightly affected by this story?

Anyway, for me this was fantastic news to cap my relaxing (and eventful) week at the shore. I'll go into detail later, but let's just say that it started with flying down the PA turnpike at 100 mph in a rented car and ended a week later with me almost getting run over by an Amish horse and buggy. That's Pennsylvania for ya.

CJ

The Jersey Shore!!!

2010-08-05T18:20:00.003-04:00

No... not the TV show with all the oiled up freaks. I'm talking the real deal. I am going on my first beach vacation in 2 years now! The guy I'm kinda more or less sorta seeing, is taking me to Atlantic City for a very long weekend. So the bad news is that I may not post anything till later in the week. But I'll try to check the comments and stuff.

In the meanwhile let me fill you in on the stuff that's been happening around here. First of all, we finally started to see newbies again (THANK GAWD). After a couple months now of turning away first-timers, we're now starting to offer options to new customers that we're comfortable with. Things have seem to settled down around here after the crackdown, so we all agree it's time to get back to business as usual.

Also in the news, I got interviewed by a girl claiming to be from a "real" magazine. She asked me a bunch of questions about the "happy ending." I was kinda nervous and suspicious after the whole Playboy Radio fiasco, but I figured maybe something in writing would be safe. I don't know if she's going to plug my blog or not, but when I find out I'll give her a shout out here. I don't want to just start bragging about being quoted in a magazine article if it never ends up happening.

Plus she sounded kinda weird on the phone. Kept asking the same question over and over again. Made me wonder if she was really a reporter or perhaps a suspicious housewife. Of course I was paranoid at the time about that subject since it made for some heated discussions around here. Oh well.

So have a good weekend guys and try not to miss me too much!

CJ

The REAL Client List

2010-08-02T18:15:00.003-04:00

This is something I've been wanting to bring up for a while now. Some of you guys out there have expressed concerns about getting arrested or "outed" if you just happen to stop by a massage parlor at the exact wrong time. Believe me, for the most part you have nothing to worry about.

Yes we do keep a "client" list here at The Business - but it's not what you think. It's basically just our own log of how many customers we have during the day, how long a session they requested, and anything else noteworthy. Nothing different from what you would find at a day spa. We do make it a point not to gather any personal information from clients, since this obviously scares the living shit out of them.

Most entrees look like this:

Tony. 3:30. Walk-in. 45 min.

Pretty much harmless stuff. Now what you see in the movies and the newspapers about client lists being submitted to police - that's another story. When you're running a high-end escort service or bordello - no matter what they tell you as a customer - they will go out of their way to gather as much dirt on you as possible. So when they do get busted, the owner can use it as a bargaining chip. Heck - look at Spitzer. For his $5000 hookers, he bought absolutely no privacy, did he?

When you're at a local place like The Business, and the clientele are auto mechanics, truck drivers and travelling salesmen, the prosecutors really have no interest. In a small town like this, there are no political points to be scored with a witchhunt of the Townies.

If there's a big scandal like when the DC madam revealed her client list, it's because there's some ulterior motives involved. One politician trying to destroy another, etc. When you're small beans, like us, people really DON'T want to know who's been a customer.

For example, when I first got into the business (a few years ago, ahem) there was a scandal involving a rival parlor. Apparently there was a big sting and they ended up catching a couple cops and several "upstanding" local citizens. And when all was said and done, the only thing the city had to show for it was a giant embarassment to the police department, and several high-profile divorces. AND the parlor later reopened across town as if nothing ever happened!!!

So in other words, there really is nothing to worry about if you go visit your local massage parlor. There are no hordes of police and camera crews waiting to pounce as soon as you drop your pants. Unless you're a former vice president of course.

CJ

The Client List

2010-07-27T10:46:00.002-04:00

Did any of you guys catch the "Client List" with Jennifer Love Hewitt on Lifetime? It was another poor attempt by Hollywood to show what a massage parlor is "truly" like on the inside. Makes me gag. Once again another example of someone screwing things up by not consulting an erotic masseuse.

I think most things in life would go easier if you consulted with an erotic masseuse first, don't you? (I'm STILL looking at you Al)

Anyway, I forced myself to sit through some of it in the name of professional development. I rolled my eyes through most of it, but then again I realized that the point of the movie was to make things sexy and scandalous so people would watch. If you want realism, check out those HBO specials on the Bunny Ranch. Now those are some real whores.

So what was technically wrong with it you ask? Well for starters, all the workers were drop dead gorgeous. But they had to be - they were all Hollywood actresses and not teenage runaways, drug addicts, strippers, or morally challenged massage therapists. A real massage parlor worker has more of the "girl next door" look. And a full service bordello (like in the movie) is more like the kinda girls you see in Walmart at 2:30 in the morning.

Another thing that bugged me was all the women walking around in lingerie at work. There is no quicker way to get busted by the cops than by having your staff walking around half naked. At a real massage parlor, the staff lays low and dresses conservatively so anyone walking in off the street would never suspect anything. But once in the room, you can break out all the lingerie, stiletto heels, and rubber masks to your hearts content.

And finally, I LOVED the fact that this place catered to the rich and powerful. Boy, I wonder if they're still hiring! The fact of the matter is that you don't really get to choose your customers - especially in this economy. A Busboy's money is just as good as a Lawyers. Do you really think there's a woman at the front desk asking for customers resumes?

I mean, we've had our share of local politicians, cops, lawyers, doctors, business owners, etc. But politicians tend to be REALLY discrete when they stop by. They do the whole dark glasses, fake name routine. You know who brags the most about who they are? - local TV/radio/sports guys. They're just famous enough to want you to kiss their ass, and not famous enough to worry about the scandal of being caught in a massage parlor.

Now if Steven Spielberg is out there reading this crap - give me a call and I'll give you the REAL inside story of a massage parlor. But then again, could you really show a handjob in a movie?

CJ

Outcall Massage for Dummies

2010-07-22T08:47:00.000-04:00

Hey Guys! I was thinking that if Al Gore was a fan of my blog, he wouldn't be in the trouble he's in now. Or he might be in worse trouble? Who knows. Anyway, I thought that maybe it's time for me to review some of the basics of getting your happy ending for some of the newbies out there. And if you're a high powered politician, then you especially better pay attention and take notes. You know who I'm talking to...

Today's lesson is entitled "Outcall Massage, or How To Get Your Happy Ending In The Privacy Of Your Own Home."

Outcall massage is a genuine form of massage therapy and is primarily meant for customers who are bedridden, or cannot travel to a massage therapists office (i.e. senior citizens, people with disabilities, etc.). Nowadays however, outcall is associated more with tired businessmen in airport hotels. I did outcall for a little bit when I was just out of massage school, but it's a tough line of work. You have to lug around your own massage table, and the customers are often in poor shape or even ill. The pay is good if you can find an agency that can keep you busy.

But we're not gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about the kind of outcall meant for tired businessmen at airport hotels. This is not the kind of outcall I did, but I know more than few girls who do this. I guess you could say I have done erotic massage on outcall, but that was just a few times for very special customers.

So you wanna have some girl come over to your hotel and provide you with some manual stress relief? Go grab the phone book (it's next to the Gideon's Bible) and flip it open to Massage. If you're in a big city, chances are you'll find a few businesses that advertise outcall massage or "We Come To You!!" Stay away from any listings using the term LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist) or "Chair Massage." If your hotel offers massage services, chances are they are legit (unless you're a vice president).

Now identifying a happy ending provider is tricky because they're just not gonna tell you over the phone. However, you can try to get an idea by asking some questions. For example, "What kind of massage do you provide?" The key words to look for are stress relief, soft or accupressure. If they use the term therapeutic you may as well hang up. Another good question is "Does the masseuse have her own table?" If the answer is "No" then you are 99% home. A legit massage therapist would insist on using a portable table.

[Of course you could just avoid all this secret code stuff and just open up the yellow pages to the Escort section. That pretty much guarantees you'll get laid, but does not guarantee a massage. However, I'm an erotic masseuse, so I'm going to assume that you're still looking for a massage first and foremost.]

Now that you've figured it all out and she's on her way over, you need to seal the deal. Make sure you have cash. Chances are she's not gonna have a credit card reader in her purse, and do you really want her reading your credit card number to some guy named Rocco on her cell phone? Outcall tends to cost more than Incall because you're paying for her travel expenses etc., so try to have the cost of the session as discussed on the phone, plus an extra $100 for a hand release. If you want full services, better make it at least $200 additional. Now if you're wearing an adult diaper with a Batman mask, and you want her to bend you over her knee because "... I've been a very bad boy..." - you better empty out the ATM.

When I was listening to them discuss the Al Gore thing on the Howard Stern Show, they said it was a code sign to hug the masseuse when she arrives. I've never heard of that before - but maybe some girls do that. At The Business, I don't hug anybody I just met. I'll jerk them off, but I won't hug them. Oddly enough, my personal space doesn't include my left hand.

Anyway, the next code sign is the towel. When the masseuse asks you to "get comfortable" or "would you like a towel?" the correct response is to get naked and decline the towel. If you keep the underwear or towel - you're getting a therapeutic massage only. By the same token, if she tells you to keep on your underwear and use a towel, you may be screwed (in the bad way). Your last chance is to say "I'd prefer without" and see what she says. If she insists, then you're getting a therapeutic and you better like it.

Assuming you've successfully gotten this far and you're lying there naked on the hotel bed without a towel, the happy ending is pretty much guaranteed. At this point, she may start the massage or negotiate her tip. If she starts immediately, then she'll either offer you her options at the end of the massage, or she has no options and you're getting a hand release only. You can politely bring up the topic of "extras" at this point if you want something specific. If she offers you options up front, then the door has now been opened and you can ask about whatever perversions float your boat.

This conversation probably did not take place in Al Gores hotel room.

Remember - the masseuse sets the tone of your session and you have to follow her rules. Don't get pushy. If she's a fully clothed, handjob only kinda girl, then accept it (I'm looking at you Al). If she's a full service escort, then you may not even get to the massage. The point is that you probably won't know until after she walks through the door and explains her services to you.

There - that should be just enough information to get you guys started on your own tabloid scandals. Good luck! And if there are any guys out there with more secret tips or code signs, please feel free to weigh in.

CJ

An Inconvenient Handjob

2010-07-20T08:09:00.001-04:00

Have you guys been following this whole Al Gore sexual assault thing? I usually don't give a shit about politics, but I took an interest to this story out of professional curiosity. I mean, masseuse accusing customer of assault - right up my alley.

Has it happened to me - oh yeah. More times than I care to think about. Luckily I've gotten out of it each time and lived to tell the tale. But I've been following this story, and I heard a discussion about it on the Howard Stern Show last week, and I wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

This story stinks.

I don't want to side against one of my fellow masseuse sisters, but I'll try to be objective. I read her statement on what happened, and what the tabloids think happened. And there are soooo many holes in the story that you guys wouldn't believe it if I said it happened to me. Funny how no one bothered to interview a masseuse to get their take on what might have happened. I know erotic massage, and I know outcall (having done it few times back in my old legit days). So here's my take...

It sounds like a happy ending massage going badly.

From what I've read, it sounds like Mr. Gore had a thing for outcall massage. So much that it might have played a part in his divorce. Now outcall has a bad reputation for being a thinly veiled front for prostitution - mostly because escort services often call themselves "outcall massage." By the way, this practice really pisses off the therapeutic community - but I digress...

Based on what was said and certain code words used, I'm guessing that Al wanted a full service massage, but ended up with a masseuse that only does hand release (like me). When she arrived in the room, apparently Al was all touchy feely - which pretty much indicated he wanted full service. She ended up giving him an "abdominal" massage, which is complete BS, since no one ever says "I've been overdoing it on my stomach crunches - so could you please work my abs? Thanks!"

Now what really clued me in is that during the massage she asked Al if there was "...any area on your body you want massaged..." That line right there is directly out of the speech we give here at The Business. Right before the happy ending, we give newbies the speech, "At this time please indicate any areas on your body that you wish to be massaged." This is the customers cue to point to his crotch. This way it's the customer soliciting us, and there's no miscommunication on what's about to happen next.

There is no need to use that line in a therapeutic massage since we traditionally just start at the shoulders and follow a routine. During the massage, I may ask how it feels and if there's a particular muscle group or spot that's sore, but that's about it. But you would never use those exact words unless you were prepared to wrap your hand around the customers prick.

Sounds like she was trying to focus the story on Al's insistence on full service, and not give away the fact that she gives handjobs. I can't blame her for that. I mean, I wouldn't want to tell the cops that I was in the middle of jerking off the former vice-president of the United States when he asked me to go down on him, and wouldn't take no for an answer. That's the big dilemma working in the sex industry - what protections do you have when you're in the middle of doing something not quite legal?

The 2nd big giveaway is that she charged $540 for a 90 minute session. NO outcall massage costs that much!! More like $140 for the massage and $400 for wearing a rubber nurses outfit while she straps a gag ball in Al's mouth and spanks his ass with a ping-pong paddle. When I read that I was like "Dang!!! I gotta go back to outcall 'cause that's Rent Money."

So that's my take on this whole scandal. Nothing more than a client disappointed for getting only a handjob. Now I've had customers disappointed that I don't do full service. But let me tell ya - they weren't complaining after one of my happy endings!

CJ

No Longer Calling Any Wives...

2010-07-15T13:46:00.002-04:00

Wow - this topic took a turn I didn't expect.

What I was hoping would be a series of inspirational, heart-warming stories of husbands getting busted by their wives, turned very serious very quickly. Go check out the comments.

CJ

Calling All Wives!

2010-07-13T10:22:00.003-04:00

I just got an interesting idea from one of the comments this week (see - I am reading them!)..... Are there any wives out there who either know or suspect their husbands of visiting massage parlors? I wanna hear from you!

So far my encounters with spouses have been over the phone ("who are you and what is this number for?"); at the front desk ("explain to me these charges on my husbands credit card"); and anonymous comments on local business reviews ("those girls are all dirty husband stealers!").

Well, there have been a couple of times I've seen wives on the arms of their husbands as we've passed each other in the aisles of the grocery store. The term "Deer in the headlights" doesn't begin to describe those guys expressions.

Anyway, I would actually like to hear from any spouses out there who are mad at their husbands or masseuses. Feel free to post your comments or send me an email.

In the meanwhile let me leave you with this story...

I once had this customer who actually got off on the thought of getting caught by his wife. We didn't do too many sessions (he must have actually gotten caught!) but the few we did were pretty memorable.

The first time I had "Phil" in session, he told me his little fantasy of having his wife catch him with another woman, so I arranged to have Trina barge into the room and yell something like "how could you do this to me!" then rush back out. It was corny as hell, but it worked. It put Phil in the mood for his happy ending almost immediately.

Another time was even stranger. As we approached the end of a normal session, he paused and asked if it was OK if he made a phone call. I told him his session was almost over, but he insisted I proceed while on the phone. Turns out he had called HIS WIFE. They chatted about mundane crap like whats for dinner; meanwhile he was signalling me to do the hand release. So I kept going and it didn't take long for him to cum quietly while still talking on the phone. As I was cleaning him up, he wrapped up the call. It was totally surreal.

There - that should get all you wives out there started!

CJ

UPDATE!!
It doesn't have to be just wives - any stories about getting caught are welcome. So all you guys out there that got busted (Al Gore... I'm looking at you) please send stories.

Comments at Last!!!

2010-07-09T16:02:00.001-04:00

Hey guys! In case you haven't noticed I FINALLY got caught up on the last 3 weeks worth of comments and questions. Sorry about that, but I promise to try to keep up from now on. In fact, I may ask my techno-nerd to try that "comment review" thing so I'm forced to review all of them when they come in. Plus, he can weed out the weirdos and the Russian porno spam for me.

So what do you guys think? Do you really care if my techno-nerd reviews and edits the comments or not? I know that we get a lot of good questions that way, so I don't want to turn anybody off.

One last thing before I say goodbye for the weekend... Maude pretty much leaves us alone, but there's one thing she nags us about - our clothes.

I mean, between the heatwave and our naturally slutty fashion tastes, we would pretty much be coming to work naked if we could . Maude put her foot down yesterday when Cindy came in wearing a wifebeater and no bra. Even I had to agree with her on that one. That shit may be fine for meeting your parole officer, but keeping undercover cops out of our parking lot - that's another story.

One trick I've been getting away with at work is wearing a baggy hoody around The Business, but with only a bra (or nothing) underneath. That way I'm only a quick zip away from a topless option. What can I say, I'm all about work.

CJ

The Hangover

2010-07-07T11:13:00.001-04:00

Hi guys. Sorry for not checking in yesterday but I'm still recovering from the weekend. Between the heat and the booze, I was a mess.

The Business was closed Sunday, so all of us were out partying our asses off. But boy did we pay for it the next day. I was working by myself (if you can ignore Maude - she's like wallpaper). Probably a good thing too because I spent the day working off my hangover. And the oven-baking heat wave didn't help things either.

Did you ever notice that when it's really hot outside, you really don't feel like doing anything inside either? Well it's especially true when you're hung-over. Luckily I only had 1 customer all day.

"Ed" is a Regular who I don't see very often, but he's been around for a few years now. He's one of my traveling salesmen customers. With those guys it's either feast or famine - they've got money to burn and I see them often or they're broke and they disappear for months on end. Well I guess Ed was finally making money again because he came in all happy and wanting "The Works." Well I told him that he could do whatever he wanted - as long as I didn't have to move.

Some guys aren't into roleplay, but a number of times now I've been asked to play "Drunk Girlfriend." I pretty much just have to lie there and let the guys dry hump me in various positions while I say things like "I am soooooooo drunk" and "Wheeeee!" I figured the game of "Hung-over CJ" wasn't much different.

Ed was eager to play but didn't know where to begin, so I suggested he start by massaging me. Was that selfish? - sure, but I don't think he minded. So I flipped over and he did a damn good job on my back (of course the way I was feeling, he could have walked on my back with golf shoes and I wouldn't have cared). But when he was finished, he skipped my legs completely and just focused on my ass.

I don't mind some good glute work every now and then, but he was pretty much just fondling and squeezing. I mean you would think he was trying to figure out if each cheek was ripe enough to pick the way he was working. First he'd rub one cheek, then the other. Then he'd give both a good squeeze. Finally he'd spread them both and just stare for a minute before starting all over again.

In "Drunk Girlfriend" it's common to do a butt release, so I offered that to Ed - partly because I'm all about making the customer happy, but mostly because I didn't feel like rolling over. He stammered a "yes" and then didn't really know what to do. I had to walk him through it because he was more of a standard roll-over-for-your-happy-ending kinda guy.

Ed climbed up on the table and I told him to take the oil bottle and get himself well lubed. Then for good measure I suggested he oil up my ass crack which made him really happy.

"Now what?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Go to town," I said. "Just slide it between my cheeks and sort of dry hump me. And when you're ready to cum, just shoot it on my back."

So I put my head down and relaxed for a few minutes until he was done. Anyway, I relaxed as much as possible with a sweaty 200 pound guy on top of me rubbing against my ass. I was THAT hung-over.

I knew he was done when he gave out a few grunts, then stopped moving. I was praying that he's not a flopper when I started to feel him peel himself off of me. Between all the oil, the sweat and the semen, we were both a sticky mess. I ended up taking a shower afterwards and the cool water felt good and even woke me up a little. Ed left me a generous tip and promised not to be so scarce from now on. It was his first butt release and now I think he's hooked.

I spent the rest of the day parked in front of the AC vent and popping aspirin. Normally I would have caught up on the blog comments, but I was not in the mood. Sorry I've been so bad lately, but I promise to catch up and comment on the last 2 weeks worth.

CJ

Cumming to a Theater Near You...

2010-07-01T08:58:00.000-04:00

This week, Audrey finally introduced her sister Maude to us. I'm not sure what was more shocking - the fact that this is the first time in months that we've actually seen Audrey at work, or that her sister looks absolutely nothing like here.

Let me put it to you this way... anyone wandering in off the street and seeing that sour puss at the front desk would not think for a second that we're a massage parlor. Putting Maude and handjobs in the same thought would leave your head spinning. In a way it's kinda good that we're relying on Regulars for business right now, because newbies would probably run for the hills.

Trina and I were trying to figure out who would play us in "Happyendingz - The Movie" when it occurred to us that Kathy Bates would be perfect to play Maude. Originally I wanted to be played by Lindsey Lohan, but now that she's a hot mess I think she would be a much better Cindy. Partly because they both have that devil-may-care attitude, but mostly because they both look hot wearing an alcohol bracelet.

Trina now wants to be played by Sarah Jessica Parker - probably because she just saw that Sex in the City movie. I argued that no one would want to look at her face while getting jerked off. I mean I guess you could try to cover her face with the semen, but that's just my opinion.

Meanwhile I have changed my mind as to who will play me. I want Anna Faris from the Scary Movie series. She would need implants to get the look down, but I think she would give me that girl-next-door vibe. And I think the movie should be more a sexy comedy instead of a serious drama. If you’re thinking it would make a great porno, it’s been done. Check out Jenna Jameson in ‘The Masseuse.’ That first scene pretty much sums it up what it’s like to be in The Business.

Now there was one actress that both Trina and I agreed on. Audrey would be played by Andy Dick in a wig.

Everyone have a good 4th of July weekend! We are closed and I'm getting my drink-on!!!!

CJ

Slutzilla

2010-06-29T09:14:00.002-04:00

Well Maude starts this week. I haven't met this sister, but if she's nothing like her slutty baby sister, then we'll be just fine. To refresh your memories, Maude is coming in to basically replace Audrey in a sort of office manager/cleaning lady kinda way. AND she gets to keep her clothes on while doing it.

When I had the blowup with the boss a couple weeks ago, it was because she said the skank ho sister was coming in to run the place. That little whore worked here for a short time a few years ago. And when I say "short" I mean we had to go to Audrey and demand that she get rid of her immediately before The Business went down in flames. Let me explain...

Slutzilla (as we affectionately called her) got a job from Audrey as a huge favor. She was basically useless and had no job (like everyone else in that trailer park they call a family), so Audrey gave her one out of pity I guess. And let me tell you - we all learned how useless she was almost immediately. Sat around and did nothing all day but talk on her phone and wait for us to give her customers. And when she did get one, he pretty much complained later what an awful session he had.

Then it dawned on Slutzilla how to improve her customer service skills. She discovered that a really bad massage could easily be remedied with a quick blowjob. In fact, why waste time on a massage at all when you can just fuck the guy and pocket the tip in a fraction of the time?
I am not kidding you when I say that she became an overnight success. One day no one knew her name - the next day the phone was ringing off the hook for her. She was getting tons of really short (15-30 minute) appointments. We were all shocked at first, then quickly suspicious. All the signs were there of a full service traitor: the short sessions, the instant popularity, and the wave of newbies. There's a saying in our business - if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a whore.

So I asked one of my Regulars to do some undercover detective work for me by taking a session with her and then reporting back. He confirmed all our suspicions - as soon as he was in the room, Slutzilla basically offered him the old suck-n-fuck.

[At this point in the story, you're probably wondering how I could force a loyal Regular of mine to go see if he could fuck my co-worker. I felt very guilty about making him take one for the team, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.]

We immediately went to Audrey and told her everything. At first she didn't believe us, but eventually she admitted that even some of her Regulars had mysteriously disappeared. Now that's saying a lot because her Regulars were already getting blowjobs, so I can only assume that Sluttzilla was either better at it, lower priced, or both.

Well Audrey confronted her little sister and pretty much fired her on the spot. Some of you are probably shaking your heads and wondering why we would get rid of a girl who was bringing in tons of new business by giving the customers what they want. Yes, she was bringing them in, but it was the wrong kind of customer and the wrong kind of business.

The "perfect" customer is a Regular that you know and trust to provide steady business. A flood of newbies makes you nervous because you have to wonder why there's suddenly so much interest. Have the cops noticed? Are local drug dealers trying to recruit since parlors are notorious for druggies? Are the other businesses in the building complaining to the landlord about the packed parking lot? And to make things worse, when a single girl goes full service - it takes away business from all the other girls. I think that was the biggest reason why Audrey fired her on the spot.

A true massage parlor has to walk a line between being legit and being a brothel. As long as we occupy that gray area in between we'll stay off everyone's radar screen. But considering that the number of raided parlors has now increased to SEVEN, the last thing we can afford right now is a girl that's just gonna cause trouble.

CJ