Tuesday, February 26, 2019

I TOLD you Asian massage parlors were crap.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Where Are They Now

Thanks for giving me something to talk about.  And I guess the easiest thing is to start where I left off.

So what happened to everybody?  Well, I'm not even going to bother trying to remember the fake names of the girls who used to work here.  One of the girls started doing full service outside The Business.  Then before I knew it, she was doing it at work.  I had to let her go and last I heard she got a job at a full service parlor outside Atlantic City.  The other girl started dating a customer.  Eventually she quit and moved in with him and I think she's going back to school for something.

Since then I've gone through 3 other girls.  One was a pretty little girl from Peru of all places.  She lasted about 2 months.  Knew exactly what she was getting herself into, but still acted like each second at work was slowly shredding her immortal soul and condemning her to an eternity of unrelentless torment and pain.  She was totally bumming me out so I fired her.

The next was a married woman who's husband wasn't just OK with her working in a massage parlor, but actually suggested she try it.  I was never sure what to think about that situation.  She lasted through the summer and even had a bunch of her own Regulars by the time she quit.  

Then there was the College Girl.  I'll never forget her.  Dropped out of school one day last spring and started working for us the next day.  She was totally insane.  Trying to get her to keep a schedule was like herding cats.  This girl had no sense of responsibility.  Would show up when she felt like it, then disappear in the middle of her shift to go "have a cigarette" with a customer.  I would have fired her a long time ago, but she was never around long enough for me to have a decent conversation with her.

But she did bring in customers!  And her leftovers were just more business for the rest of us.  In the end, she just stopped showing up.  This was around September/October.  I have no idea what happened to her, but I hope she's OK.  Never even picked up her last paycheck.  

And through it all, there was Maude.  My Rock.  My Foundation.  The Backbone of The Business.  Some things don't change and she's still keeping this place up and running.

But more about her and the new girls later.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Baby it's cold outside

Fucking coldest night in history and we still had customers.  Go home and hide under a blanket for Gawd's sake!   That's what I'm doing.  At work we had electric heaters in each room and out front because even with the thermostat cranked up, it wasn't keeping us warm.  Just another work hazard when your job description includes the word "topless."

Well, it's been a year since I bothered to sit down and document my miserable life.  But it's only been a month since Derek got married.  What have I been up to all this time?  Well, in a nutshell I've been more or less keeping "The Business" from going out of business.  I've hired and fired I don't know how many girls.  And I've been hooking up only with guys who won't call me the next morning. 

In other words, things are back to normal.  I think I waited so long to write anything here because I had nothing to say.  I've been on autopilot for so long I forgot that there's more to life than just handjobs.  Shit, my life was one giant handjob.

Up. Down.  Repeat.

It's been so long I don't even know where to begin.  So I'll leave it up to you guys to try to get me back in the game.  Go ahead - ask whatever you want.  Make me laugh. Cheer me up.  Try to coax me out of my shell.


Friday, January 18, 2013


Is the worse thing ever.  

That and discovering on Facebook that your ex-boyfriend is now engaged.  Yeah - I had to learn it on fucking Facebook that Derek is engaged.  I mean what the fuck?  We only broke up like a year ago and he's already engaged to someone.

So I've been kind of out of it over the last couple of months.  I came down with bronchitis back in November and it knocked me out for 2 months.  I was out of work for about 3 weeks.  Then when I finally went back, it was just to sit at the desk for another couple of weeks.  

The thing about coughing uncontrollably and spitting up green shit is that it kinda turns off customers.  Funny thing about The Business - coughing turns off guys while sneezing turns them on.  Go figure.  I've actually had guys tip extra after I've gone into a sneezing fit.  

What have you missed?  Well, I had to fire Britney.  Turns out she was blowing guys in the room.  An ex-escort goes back to her old habits?  Shocking, I know.  At The Business we can get naked and jerk you off, but Gawd forbid you wrap your mouth around them until they cum.

Am I being cynical?  You betcha.  That's one of the reasons why I dropped off the map for so long.  I had nothing to say.  When you find out your ex is now marrying a fucking engineering graduate from Drexel, talking about a guy who wants to lick his own cum off your tits seems a bit weak.  

So there you have it.  I'm back.  Not 100%, but at least I feel like blabbing about it.  


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I need to get laid

I think I've discovered why I've been so blah lately. It was exactly 1 year ago that I had my last real romantic vacation getaway with Derek. After that, things just got busy for both of us, and then they just started to go downhill from there. There were no romantic getaways after that. Shortly after I took on responsibility for this shithole full time, and it was only recently that I had enough staff to take even a little trip to the Poconos.

So basically I need to get laid. I mean L...A...I...D - LAID.
I knew I was in trouble when customers started to look good. I get asked out a couple times a week by customers. When you weed out the ones that are just polite ways of asking if I'm full service outside of work, I figure I get a serious invite to go out on a date about once a month.
Well a new customer asked me out last week and I may have sort of implied that I might consider it. Now let me tell you something - if you think it might be awkward asking out someone AFTER you've seen them naked and given you an orgasm, you would be 100% correct. It's weird for them and it's weird for me.

It's basically dating in reverse order. Usually you take a girl out to in the hopes you'll impress her and eventually get lucky. In my case, you've already gotten lucky, and now you're offering to impress me.
Well, I already know that you're the kind of guy that goes to massage parlors to get handjobs from strange women you've just met. And I know what your "O" face looks like, so you're already in the negative points to start off with. What are you going to do now - tell me you're a God fearing Christian who loves his mama?

I've said it before and I'll say it again - it NEVER works out with customers. They either expect to get laid after your first date at Chili's, or they suspect you're getting laid by every other customer except him. Never dating a customer is one of the cardinal rules of working in a massage parlor.

And this is exactly why I lied to you guys just now and I actually went out with a customer last weekend. I didn't think I'd confess it when I sat down at the computer tonight, but after going on and on about how it's such a bad idea, I guess I just felt like I had to come clean.

Weird thing is that there really isn't much to mention about it. He did take me to Chili's. And it was OK. And he spent half the night trying to convince me that "I never went to a massage parlor before..." But he was so taken by me that "I had to get to know you."

Blah blah blah. And in case you were wondering - I didn't get laid. So even after enduring 90 minutes of listening to him try to convince me that he's "not like the others" I didn't even get lucky. I think it had to do with the fact that the entire time he was talking I couldn't help but think of how absolutely stupid his "O" face looked. I mean it was really bad - eyes crossed, lips puckered, and he made a sort of "EEE...EEE...EEE" sound. Just the thought of having to see that again, only inches from my face this time, just totally turned me off.

And this is just one of the many reasons why dating in reverse is such a bad idea.


Monday, October 8, 2012

The Sorority Girls of I Phelta Thigh.

What the heck is going on around here?  Sometimes I swear that I'm running a fucking girls dormitory from some bad late-night Cinemax porn movie.  When Audrey asked me to manage The Business, I just assumed that it wouldn't be much more than ordering cases of massage oil, and answering the phones.

Instead I got 99 problems and a bitch is all of them.  I know I haven't been around to chat recently, but I've been busy putting out fires.  Here are just some of problems I've been dealing with:

Kimmie going to 3rd base with her customers
Britney's new stalker
Maude's decorating "expenses"
Audrey's unexpected visits
My job offer

Kimmie - After hiring an ex-escort, who would have thought that my "good girl" would be the first one to give in to the dark side?  One night we were just bitching about work and things, and out of the blue she says "Don't you hate it when the guys finger you without cutting their nails?"  


I couldn't figure out if I should be angry or laughing my ass off.  Maude picked the latter.  As calmly as I could manage, I asked her to explain.  Apparently Kimmie subscribes to the Bill Clinton definition of "sex."  In other words, as long as you can't make a baby then it's not sex.  Meaty fingers plunging inside a pussy?  Not sex!  Customers tongue up your ass?  Not sex!    But to her credit, Kimmie did draw the line when asked to suck cock.  Hey, a girl's gotta have standards, right?  Needless to say, I recalibrated her - much to the dismay of some of her new fans.  

Then there's Britney.  In this industry we've all had our share of stalkers, and Britney is no exception.  An overzealous customer started showing up just to "hang out." 

Really?  at a massage parlor?  It's bad enough when we have 2 guys standing in the lobby trying their best not to make eye contact, but here's a guy who wants to just hang out without making an appointment.  I don't think so.  Maude knew enough to throw his ass out, but then he started coming by during the night shift and weekends.  I told Britney that under no circumstances is she to allow him to come in without an appointment or stay a minute longer than his session.  She's here either with me or Trina, but still - a guy who over stays his welcome always make you nervous.

I've got more stuff to share, but I'm getting tired so I'll share more tomorrow.  


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Confessions of an Erotic Moonlighter

I just wanted to say that this is not the first job offer I've ever had while working at The  Business [and before anyone else says it, yes - I've been offered the "blow" job].  Erotic Masseuse is actually a pretty good way to network with local business leaders (and you wouldn't believe what you're promised by horny old business men when blood is rushing away from their brains).  

Business Opportunities
Apart from getting offered to run someone else's business, I've been offered:

Part ownership in other parlors
Part ownership in a strip club
Part ownership in a mushroom farm
FULL ownership in an energy drink franchise
Amway distributorship
My very own breeding pair of Lamas
A bachelors degree from the University of the State of New York (Not to be confused with the State University of New York)

Needless to say I didn't accept any of these offers.  Except for the mushroom farm - I really did investigate that and almost put in some of my own money.  Really.  A good mushroom farm is like having a license to print money around here.

Job Offers
You would be surprised at how many job offers I get on a regular basis.  Most of them are bullshit of course, but some are quite real.  In fact, I've taken lots of "side" jobs from customers.  The offers have included:

Fashion modeling
Porn movies
Bartending (lots of these)
Topless bartending (even more of these)
Dog watching
"Sexy" housekeeping
Babysitting (Really?!?! You want me around your wife?)
Car sales

I've been offered lots of opportunities to do "adult" modeling including pics and videos.  And the sad thing is that I've always said "no" to these paying jobs and "yes" to a convincing boyfriend or customer with a cell phone.  Go figure.

One job I have taken in the past is "sexy" housekeeping.  This is where you put on one of those french maid outfits and clean a guys house.  In fact, I've actually done this 3 times.  It pays pretty good, but it's kind of surreal.  I spend  a couple hours actually scrubbing toilets and vacuuming floors (usually in preparation for a party of some kind), then I give my generous employer a handjob.  

The car sales thing was an interesting offer.  The guy said that I was a natural at sales and selling cars wasn't much different than selling massage extras and options.  

And the number one most popular job offer I get around here?  Believe it or not, it's secretary/receptionist.  I guess a lot of guys would love to make my smiling face the first thing they see when the show up at work.   Not that I'd be bad at it mind you.  I could type 70 words per minute right out of high school.  Today... not so much... but at least I'm good at smiling at strangers who walk through the door.  

Since I've started the blog, I've been offered jobs as a "Consultant" for movies/TV shows about massage parlors.  The most interesting of them was hosting a show where I would travel the country visiting (and working in) different parlors.

Let me get this straight... you want to film me travelling all over the country committing misdemeanors and violating public decency laws?  Where do I sign up!


Monday, September 17, 2012

Job Offer

It's been a while and there's a reason.  Not a good one, but a reason nonetheless.  I got a job offer.  My girlfriend who owns her own place about 2 hours from here offered me a job running her place.

I'm pretty much running The Business as it is, but she's offering me enough so I could retire these much over-used hands.  Her place employs 8 girls and does way more business than we do.  They have a great location much closer to Philly, and their rates and door fee are higher than ours.  Basically I could make the same just managing the place, without having to get my hands dirty (pun totally intended).  

So why the change of heart now?  It's not like I don't care about The Business.  In fact, I probably care about this damn place way more than I should.  It's just that with all that's happened with Audrey and Derek and everything else, I've been considering wiping the slate clean.  And yes, I'm talking about a complete change including moving and everything.  

Don't worry - I'll probably keep blabbing about the business, it'll just be a new business.  

I haven't done anything yet, but I am seriously thinking about taking her up on the offer.  We go way back and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her.  She's just been having trouble keeping an eye on her place due to some personal drama of her own.  My only concern is that once she gets her shit together, she'll want to come back and take over.  I mean, it's not like I can go over there for a year or so, then come back here and pick up my life where I left off.

So now I have a lot to think about.  What I really want to do is manage my own tanning place, but instead I've become this sort of massage parlor management consultant.  

I'm not saying I'm a great manager or anything, but I'm currently researching whether I can get a government bailout.  


Friday, August 31, 2012

The Reluctant Lesbian

I promised you this story last week, but as you can see, I was in no hurry. I guess you could say it's one of my "extras" that I'm not exactly enthusiastic about.  It's really something that I'm not asked to do much nowadays.  Now that I think about it, I've only been asked for it maybe twice in the last year.

Now back in the day... Cindy and I had a whole routine we used to do.  Back then we'd get asked to do a show maybe once a month.  And believe me, it takes a lot of practice to look like you're having sex with a girl without actually having sex with a girl.  

It's not like I don't like Cindy.  It's just that I think she's a nasty skank and I really never wanted to swap any bodily fluids with her.  So we did a lot of easy visual stuff that guys liked.  Take for example the fact that a man lying on a table in a dark room with most of his blood flowing away from his brain cannot focus on anything too clearly.  

Cindy and I would spend most of our time at the foot of the table.  From that angle, you can only really see us from the waist up.  So one of our moves would be to bend the other girl over the table and pretend to finger fuck her.  The guy would see me standing behind Cindy, so he couldn't tell where my hand really was.  And with Cindy's overly dramatic "O" face - he wouldn't care either.  

When we weren't pretending to finger each other, we did a lot of titty stuff.  Men LOVE it when a girl touches another girls breasts. Cindy and I did not disappoint either.  I found her giant fake breasts fascinating and I could play with them all day.  Not because I was turned on by them, but because  they were so different from mine.

What guys don't understand is that for us, other women's breasts are no big deal.  We can squeeze, pinch, rub and tweak each other all day and it's totally clinical.  Hell, when Cindy first got her new boobs, I used to examine them in the back office. So breast play is no big deal to us, but a major turn on for customers.  And believe me, we used this to our advantage.

Most of the show was really us fondling each other.  Lots of rubbing and caressing, with the occasional nipple pinch.  We wouldn't suck on each others nipples, but I would flick my tongue over Cindy's if I thought it would help the customer finish himself (which they almost always do during the lesbian show).  Ironically, I was freaked out at the thought of Cindy licking my nipples, so she would have to fake it.

That was then.  This is now and Britney is an even skankier version of Cindy.  So when I was asked to "lez out" with her I was reluctant.   But then he agreed to pay us an extra $150 each and suddenly Britney was looking pretty hot.

Now keep in mind that we have no routine.  No rehearsals.  No rules.   No history.  Just two naked girls who have just been  paid a lot of money to get really friendly really fast.  Well, since I am the boss, I took the lead and tried the old bent-over-the-table trick.  The problem is that my background is erotic massage and Britney's background is escorting.  So when I started poking her inner thigh with my fist, she didn't get it.  Britney actually took my hand and tried to guide it to her pussy.  

I swear I jumped up.  My mouth said "let's do something more romantic " while my eyes said "Not with our customers dick."  

The breast fondling didn't go much better.  Britney didn't take any cues from my fake licking of her tits.  She planted a firm kiss on The Girls before going straight for a nipple.  Remember what I said about Cindy?  Well, Britney caught me off guard and before I knew it she was actually sucking on my right breast.  

Well, I remembered that I had a rather decent payday waiting for me on the other end of this nipple suck, so I hid my displeasure by letting out a big moan instead.  Funny how well that worked out for us.  Our guy let out his own moan and finished all over his own belly.  Since then, I have set Britney down and explained to her how the lesbian show really works around here.

And in case you guys were wondering, I have not asked Britney to "practice."


Monday, August 20, 2012

The Britney Situation

Someone asked me which employee would I prefer... A good masseuse with a bad happy ending, or a bad masseuse with a wicked happy ending?  Well, I got both.  Kimmie is my good masseuse who still pokes at a dick like it's going to bite her hand.  And then there's Britney who definitely knows her way around a penis, but the rest of the guy is unfamiliar territory.  I really don't know what it's like to fuck her, but I can only imagine it never really gets much past whipping your cock out.

I guess the question is which is easier to learn - decent massage techniques, or enthusiastic joy of the cock?  And from what I've seen so far...

I'm surrounded by idiots.  I'm seriously thinking of sending in Kimmie to start the job and Britney to finish.  Sort of a tag team session.  But seriously, I think Kimmie is finally starting to come around.  Well, maybe not so much that she's coming around, but that her customers are starting to accept the inevitable lackluster handjob after a fantastic full body sensual massage.  As one of my customers once said, "Even when sex is bad, it's still pretty good."

I still haven't gotten Britney to open up about the incident that got her to quit escorting.  But, she did tell me about how she did business.  She would get a hotel room by herself or with another girl.  Then they would post an ad on the internet with their hours and a phone number.  Guys would call the number where they would be told how to find the room.  

Britney won't tell me exactly what happened that made her want a career change, but she did tell me that she had been robbed a few times in "deals" gone bad.  It was only a matter of time before she either quit or made the obituaries, so she was ready to bail anyways when a guy tried to kill her.  

And now it's my job to convert her into an erotic masseuse.  Believe it or not, it's actually harder than just telling her NOT to insert any customer parts inside her body.  She just doesn't seem to get that it's not all about the handjob.  I have to keep reminding her that the happy ending should be just the last five minutes and that she has to do SOMETHING ELSE to keep her client happy for the other 55 minutes.  She keeps cutting their times and jumping straight to the end.  Believe me, that's not how you get a repeat customer.

So that's all I got on Britney for now.  I still have hope for her, so I'm not going to get rid of her just yet.  Next time I'll tell you the story of our first lesbian show.  


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Freak of the Week - The Midnight Special

I was afraid that being on Twitter was going to open up a can of worms.  What I think is worthy of only a few sentences, people want explained out here.  Well, I've been feeling uninspired for a while, so maybe you guys asking questions is a good thing.

But first a quick update...

Kimmie is working out just fine.  So fine in fact that I've even been able to give her some shifts by herself.  And that means... VACATION!!!!

Me and a girlfriend took off for 3 days last week and spent it at the Indian casino up in the Pocono's.  I know it's not much of a vacation, but when you've been working 5-7 days a week for the last 6 months, it's like an eternity.

Anyway, let me explain why I had to come in early to clean up Maude's desk.  You see, I was working the night shift by myself.  Usually, the latest we will take a customer is 30 minutes before close.  If no one comes in, then we'll spend the last 30 minutes tidying up and getting the place ready for the next day.

Well about 5 minutes to being out the door, I hear a knock.  It's "Bill" - who I call an Irregular Regular.  He's the kind of customer that will see you 3 days in a row, then disappear for 7 months.  He's funny and tips well, so I buzz him in.

"Hey Bill... What's it been?  7 months now?"

He just smiles.  "Yeah.  You know me.  I just got back from a business trip and I just drove a hundred miles an hour hoping to catch you.  So whadya say?  How about a quickie?"

"I just closed the books, and all my sheets and oils are put away.  You know you gotta get here earlier."

"Ohhhhh CJ," he says with that grin I can't say no to. "Pretty please?  I've been on the road a long time and really really really wanted to see you."

I waved my arms around.  "Everything is put away and the warmers are turned off.  You shoulda called!"

Now he looks crushed.  But the Business Man in him doesn't see a problem - he sees opportunity.  He starts to look around the room as if he's re-assessing the situation.  I swear I saw his eye twinkle.

"We could do it right here."

"Excuse me?"

"Yup.  You wouldn't even have to get up from that chair."  

The logical part of me wants to throw him out for breaking the rules while the curious part of me is already in the car yelling "I don't care!  Can we go now?"  

But the LAZY part of me says "... You had me at chair."

I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and said "Whatever.  As long as I don't have to move from behind the desk.  AND you have to close the drapes all the way."  

I swear Bill literally skipped around the room as soon as I said that.  I swiveled the chair around to meet him and gave him a big tired looking smile.  He reached down and pulled my shirt off me.  

At this point in the evening I was too tired to even undo my bra, plus I was kind of wondering what he had in mind.  He unbuckled his pants then completely dropped them and his boxers on the floor, then neatly stepped out of them (it takes me 10 minutes to peel my jeans off - I envy men's fashion sometimes).

I reach out and start fondling his dick.  Fondle is a good word since I don't have my customary oils to properly lubricate and stroke him.  And as I've explained before, I'm not very good at the dry hands technique.  Before long, he gets hard anyway and I'm kinda rythmically stroking him with just my fingertips.  

Without taking my eyes off his cock I ask "So what did you have in mind?"  

He says "Well considering you're only open for another 2 minutes, I figured I'd take matters into my own hands."  And with that he gently pushes my hands away and grabs his cock with his right hand.  With his free left hand, he starts to gently squeeze my right breast through the bra.  

OK... I'm thinking I kinda like this.  No work on my part and that hand does feel good.  I know it's been a while since I've been properly laid, and Bill certainly knows how to touch a girl.  He's always been quite good at playing with The Girls.  So when I feel a finger, then 2 slip into my bra, I don't complain. Mmmmmm.... his hand is warm.  

Just a little deeper and Bill discovers a hard nipple.  His fingers close in and gently begin to tease then pinch (Damn he's good). Too bad he doesn't have 3 hands since my other nipple is now feeling lonely.    His fingers withdraw momentarily to go into a very nice squeeze of my entire breast.  And now I'm thinking of actually...

"I'm cumming!" he suddenly shouts.

The spell is broken.  I'm back to my senses now, and I realize I'm sitting in front of a man without pants who's grabbing his dick and about to shoot a load all over my new bra.

My new bra?!

"NOOOOOO!!!!" I screamed as I grabbed his prick which was pointed right at my nose and turned it aside.  He shot a wad over my shoulder and onto the desk behind me.  There goes the stapler...

His next shot lands on the arm of the chair.  That's fine - not my chair.  The third and final squirt dribbles on the carpet between my legs.

I just sort of looked up at him with a stunned expression.  I'm not exactly sure what just  happened.  I look around.  Semen stained desk.  Cum soaked stapler.  A cock dripping jizz on the carpet.  And me looking slightly ravished in a bra that's been pulled off me.  

And I thought this was gonna be easy.

When I finally came to my senses, I ordered Bill not to move while I fetched TWO rolls of paper towels from the back room.  I roughly handed one to him and told him to clean the carpet and chair, while I tried to save the stapler.  By now I was tired and grumpy, so the cleaning job was pretty bad.  And that's why I made damn sure to get to work extra early the next morning so I could clean up properly in the daylight.

Good thing I did too - I missed a dried up wad of cum on the shelf behind the stapler.  And Bill's cleanup of the chair left a little to be desired.  Maude didn't notice anything when she came in later, but I still felt guilty.  That is absolutely positively  the last time I ever listen to the lazy part of my brain.  

Unless it's convenient.


Friday, August 3, 2012

The New Girl

OK... It's been a week now and the New Girl has still been showing up on time (more or less).  Not once has she been drunk, hungover, or high.  My purse has not gone missing.  No stalkers have appeared in our parking lot.  And she seems to have finally figured out how to properly give a happy ending. 

I think she's a keeper.  So I guess I better come up with a name for her.  Let's call her Britney.

Well, here's Britney's story...

She's a former exotic dancer who dabbled briefly in the world of internet escort.  Did the Craiglist/Backpage thing until she was almost killed by a client.  Now she's decided to find a happy medium where she can still make decent money her way, but in a safer environment. 

I've said before that dancer's usually make for bad masseuses.  That's especially true when they're still moonlighting as a dancer.  Britney gave up dancing a while ago and refuses (for reasons unknown) to go back to the local clubs.  That's fine by me since it makes for a more faithful employee.

The problem with strip clubs is that their working hours are always changing, and the girls will ALWAYS ditch the parlor for a decent shift at a club.  Can't blame them since it's usually better money.

Anyway, Britney tried out the online escort ads for a while, so she's no stranger to a penis.  I figured that experience would work out here and it did.  In fact, it worked out a little too well.  Let me explain.

I broke Britney in like I do most girls.  I had her sit in on a standard session just to see what goes on.  Let me tell you right now that even girls in the sex business often have the wrong idea about what goes on in massage parlors.  I explained that we're happy ending only, but with a freedom to be creative.  That first session with her I demonstrated a standard nude option with hand release.

Next training session, I had her try her hand at the massage portion - with disastrous results.  I swear it looked like she was trying to tenderize a piece of meat she had no intention of eating herself.  She didn't even have "girlfriend massage" skills.  So I took over and did my best to show her the basics of the "relaxing" massage. 

My "relaxing" technique is sort of a cross between Swedish and a watered down sports massage.  I like to hit major muscle groups with a little bit of extra pressure, while the rest is more gentle and caressing.  Truckers seem to prefer this technique because it's both sensual and therapeutic and the same time.

Afterwards, I had Britney practice her massage technique on Trina and myself.  Even had Kimmie give her some pointers.

Britney's next training session was in hand releases.  I brought her in on the tail end of one of my sessions and just turned her loose.  The guy didn't mind because for him it was kinda like getting a two girl option for free. 

Let me tell ya, Britney had no hesitation whipping off her top and getting to business.  I noticed was that she starts off with gentle caresses of the cock without any lotion or oil.  I usually go straight to oil, but going dry seems to work for some people.  As my customer got hard, she continued to work his dick with dry hands and gentle strokes.  For those of you who are not sure what I'm talking about when I say "dry hands" imagine a handjob using baby powder instead of oil.  The sensation is the same if done properly.

Well, she kept working his cock with a constant up and down motion, but I noticed she wasn't picking up the pace (hey - the clock is ticking here!).  Then without warning she drops her face straight down towards the head of his dick.  I swear my heart skipped a beat.  But at the last instant, she stops with her lips just a fraction of an inch over him.  Then she hocks a giant wad of spit onto her hand, then almost violently smears it on his shaft.

The guy's eyes got really really big.  Even he thought he had hit a gold mine for a second there.  Suddenly she picks up the pace of her strokes.  My guy actually sat up a little and let out a big moan.  She pumped a little faster and spit on him again for more lubrication.  Something must have been working because he suddenly sat up then threw himself back down on the table.  As semen began to drip up and over his cock, Britney slowed the pace down and used it to lubricate the hand release even more (a technique I thought I invented!).  Our poor little guinea pig shot a few healthy loads before he finally collapsed on the table.  She slowed down the stroking to the same pace of his breathing before she finally stopped to clean him up.

Damn she's good, I thought.  Don't need to critique her yet.  But I'm also a little scared about turning her loose.  She claims she "gets it" but I don't know.

Anyway, I think I may steal that spitting technique from her.  Shit - even I thought that was kinda hot.


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Freak Of The Week - Everything But The Kitchen Sink

I know I haven't done a freak of the week in a while, but I was recently inspired by a question someone brought up on Twitter.  I have to admit that recently there really hasn't been anyone all that freaky, so I'm going way back in time for this one.
The question was what is the most I've ever charged anyone?  Well, what I charge and what I've been tipped are 2 different things.  My typical sessions are usually around $150.  But when guys are generous, they tip on top of that.  So a couple extra bucks here and there isn't unusual.
As for what I charge, I usually have set prices for what we call "Extras."  Those are anything above and beyond the clothing options.  The most common extras I get requests for are breast release, dirty talk and foot worship.  
For most extras, I usually ask for $50.  Variations in the release (i.e. breast, butt, thigh, foot) I'll charge $100.  But the most expensive thing I charge for is roleplay, which I can get an extra $200 or more - depending on how extensive it is.  
My $50 extras include:
Dirty talk
Foot worship
Doubles (hand release before and after massage)
Lingerie (new with tags)
Heels (new with tags)
Excessive touching
Used panties
In general, these extras are just variations to the standard massage/happy ending session.  "Excessive touching" is more of a penalty than a tip.  If a customer is being too grabby/pinchy, I'll tell him it's an extra $50 and that usually ends it right there.  Now "Posing" is an interesting one.  That's where the customer insists on taking care of his own business, but he wants me in some very specific pose - like bent over a chair, or licking my nipples or something.
The $100 extras include:
Breast, thigh, butt, or foot release
Cum play
Costumes/wigs (new with tags)
Masterbation/Sex toys (new with tags)
Ball busting
In the $100 range, the session is usually less about massage, and more about fetish.  Apart from the different releases, the most common $100 extra is masterbation/sex toys.  But pics/video is quickly gaining in popularity.  This is a tricky one, but I'll allow a customer to tape or photograph his happy ending as long as it does not show my face AND I get final approval.  I've deleted videos/pics that I thought revealed too much.
I charge more for costumes than lingerie because instead of a tiny little piece of fabric to stuff The Girls in, they are usually a complete outfit that involves some complicated ritual to either put on or take off.  Catholic school girl outfit is easily the most common costume, but others include french maid and dominatrix.  Weirdest costume you ask?  Hands down - teddy bear.  Not even a sexy teddy bear either, but a furry body suit with ears to match.
Cum play is simply when the customer wants to ejaculate on anything other than his own belly.  It could be the wall, someone else's belly, whatever.  But the most usual requests are for The Girls and my feet.  Most unusual request?  A guy wanted me to shoot it back into his own mouth.  And it worked too - he was able to twist his head up just enough for me to reach it.  
Costumes are usually combined with cum play, so it ends up being quite a bargain (assuming you define bargain as paying someone to soil their clothes).  I don't know what it is about guys and their costumes, but I'd say 9 times out of 10, that costume is getting a semen stain.  And that 1 time out of 10 is usually because the costume is scattered in pieces on the other side of the room.  
Now this brings me to my most expensive extra - roleplay.  It starts at $200 and goes up depending on how involved it is.  
Most common roleplay scenarios:
Babysitter/School girl
Secretary/girl next door
The whole babysitter thing has been done to death, but it's still one of the common things I get asked to do.  It's pretty much the "you've been a bad girl" theme that usually ends up with a spanking.  As for the secretary/girl next door, I combine those 2 because they are the classic "seduction" fantasy.  I'm either the secretary taking "Dick-tation" or the girl down the block that they've been secretly daydreaming about.  Either way, it's often based on a real girl in their lives who won't give them the time of day.  This time, however, they'll be able to talk her into a handjob.  The babysitter scenario requires a costume, while the secretary one I can usually do in (and out of) my street clothes.
I'm not a domme in my personal life, but I've learned enough over time to cover the basics.  I've even tough-talked a couple men into orgasms.  Masseuse is my personal favorite roleplay.  Basically, I just play a less slutty version of myself that gets talked into giving a handjob.  Sounds simple, but it involves an active seduction on the guy's part for the entire session.  I end up saying a lot of things like "that's not allowed!" or "don't touch me there!" before finally switching to "OK... just this once."
Weirdest roleplay?  Little Bo Peep who lost her sheep.  Not kidding.  Had a full costume and everything (which ended up in a semen covered pile in the corner of the room).  And the roleplay I will not do under any circumstances?  "Daddy's little girl" and "Sex slave."  I'll do domination stuff, but on the flip side I will NOT do slave stuff.  Too risky to put yourself in that situation.  And the daddy stuff just freaks me out, so don't even think about asking.
And finally that brings me to the Freak of the Week.  This was the single most expensive session I ever had.  I remember this guy specifically because he didn't care how much anything cost.  This was back in 2007 when EVERYONE had money.  I would not have been surprised if he was a drug dealer, mobster, or just robbed a bank.
Anyway, he had a very specific scenerio he wanted to play out.  He wanted me to answer to "Tina" - a bartender who just finished her shift.  He was a customer who wanted to seduce her (roleplay - $200).  I guess you could say it involved a costume because he had a T-shirt and sweatpants from a local college that I had to wear (costume - $100).  
"Tina" was supposed to talk dirty to him, until he got a hard-on (Dirty talk - $50).  At that point, he would pull off the T-shirt and then "tear-off" my bra.  He didn't have a new bra with tags, so I basically had to sell him mine (bra - $50).  Then while I'm topless, I would begin to use my hand on him.  When he was about to cum, he would make me stop and pull the sweatpants off me.  He didn't want me fully nude because he also wanted to buy my panties when we were done ($50).  Finally, he would bend me over the table and do a butt release with my G-string in place ($100).  Total price - $550.

Being able to sweet talk that little tramp Tina into jerking him off and cumming on her ass - priceless.


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Trina's Tale: The Never-Ending Full Service

Trina keeps suprising me ever since I finally got her to open up.  I mean here we are co-workers and best friends, and it turns out she has a very sordid past.  I couldn't believe the latest bomb she dropped on me.


That's right - my boring as wallpaper co-therapist took a walk on the dark side.  Or at least tried to.  It's complicated.

Apparently it happened around 2 years ago when business tanked,.  We were all hurting for money (myself included) and she said things got pretty desperate.  I remember back then that she lost a lot of Regulars.  And it didn't help that the walk-ins pretty much dried up too. 

She had this one customer that had asked about full service, and she explained that we're not that kind of place.  We'll call him Harvey.  He seemed OK with it, and went on with a regular session.  Then at the end, he told her that if she changes her mind, please give him a call.  And that was that.

Before I go on, let me explain that we have situations like this all the time,and it's really not a big deal.  Guys ask to fuck, to go down on them (or us), finger us, etc.  We just politely decline and tell them what we are and are not willing to do.  And leaving a phone number or business card is also perfectly normal.  

Well, around this time, Trina said she was already flat broke and was desperate to make ends meet.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - sometimes you're just one paycheck away from blowing some guy in a truck stop.  So she dug Harvey's number out of her purse and gave him a call.

"Uh... Harvey?  This is Trina.  From The Business?  Yeah, well I thought about what you said and I'm OK with it.  Yeah that's fine.  How about 7pm?  Where?  Uh...  Red Lobster."

Red Lobster?  Yes, she actually said Red Lobster.    Trina offered to meet a stranger for sex at a Red Lobster.  Of course sex between strangers at Red Lobster happens all the time, but most people prefer to call it "First Dates."

She meets him at the bar and he buys her a drink.  They start some nervous chit-chat when the bartender asks her if there's anything else they need.  Trina asks for a menu and orders dinner. 

At this point in the story, I asked her if she was planning a really strenuous hour of animal fucking and needed serious carbs to keep her going.  She said, "No, I was hungry."  

So now their little outcall appointment has turned into some kind of quasi-date, with Harvey racking up the expenses.  But at least they finally relaxed enough after the first round of drinks to start talking business.  Trina can't tell a story to save her life, so I'm going to summarize here what probably happened...

Trina:  So what did you have in mind?
Harvey: I don't know, straight sex.  What exactly will you do?
Trina:  I don't know.  I've never had sex with a customer before.
Harvey: Don't you have some kind of idea of what you want to do and for how much?
Trina: Well maybe we can bounce some things around and figure it out.

And this nonsense must have gone on for 45 minutes, or at least until the bill finally came.  I know, because I know Trina and this is how she negotiates EVERYTHING.  Whether it's what movie to go see or what to charge for a rim-job, the decision making process is always like pulling teeth with her.  In that exchange just replace the word "sex" with "Spiderman movie" and you'll get the idea.   I really felt sorry for Harvey at this point.

After Harvey pays the bill, they have finally decided on what to do and for how much.  She agreed to a "standard sex session" for $200 (NOT including the price of her meals and drinks).  Now they just have to figure out where to go.  A hotel?  His place? Her place?  Back of the car?   And the whole tooth-pulling process begins all over again...

After several more minutes, they decide on her place since it's close by.  She gives him directions and they drive over in separate cars.  As they pull up, she realizes her "Check Engine" light is on.  In a moment of panic, she asks Harvey what she should do, and he suggests dropping it off at the dealership.  So, she does what every working girl does before fucking her client - she asks him to drive across town to drop her car off.

It's now 3 hours into Harvey's full service "standard sex session" and they haven't even held hands yet.  What's that you say?  Dinner and a car trip couldn't possibly take 3 hours!  Oh I'm sorry... did I forget to mention that she made him stop at her friends house on the way back to pick something up?    Apparently what most people call errands, Trina calls foreplay.

They finally get back to her place - inside even.  And I can only guess Harvey's reaction to all the cat toys and Precious Moments figures on every flat surface.  Raging hard-on, right?  I hate going over there because of all the cat hair.  But the little bright eyed figurines kinda freak me out too.

She tells him to make himself comfortable, when Harvey finally speaks up.  "Hey, I gotta go soon so could we get started?"  Ahhh... the words every girl loves to hear.  And since she's never done full service before, she just takes a cue from work and tells him to go in the bedroom and get naked.  

Let me tell you that Trina's bedroom is usually a disaster area.  Between all the clothes lying around, and the sleeping cats, I bet Harvey had a time figuring out where to get "comfortable."  Somehow he manages and then Trina comes in and gets naked.

Now according to her, she said she wasn't going to do ANYTHING without a condom.  So she fished around in the nightstand and found a pack.  Then she worked Harvey with her hands until he was good and hard enough for her to put the rubber on him.  Trina said her whole professional life flashed before her eyes while she looked at this cock and realized what she was about to do with it.  So she closed her eyes and made the switch from "Erotic Masseuse" to "Escort" with one big gagging motion.

Trina's the first girl I know to quickly admit that she hates sucking dick.  And to make it worse, she's now doing it with a nasty tasting condom - which she has never done before with guys she's dated.  So this was a new experience for her - and a really unpleasant one made even worse.  

Men love blowjobs.  I know, I've dated men so take my word for it.  And if there's one thing I've learned about the art of giving head, there is nothing that turns a guy on more than a girl's total lack of enthusiasm.  Right?  The tightly shut eyes, the upturned nose, the look of disgust, and the purely mechanical motions  really get a guy going.  So Harvey must have been in heaven because this is pretty much how Trina described what happened.

She said that after a few minutes of rather un-inspired dick sucking, Harvey started to lose his erection.  Whether it was her lack of technique, or perhaps the cats on the bed staring at him, we'll never know.  What we do know is that he tried to manually correct the situation, but to no avail.  She apologized and said she would make it up to him later.

And she was not kidding.  A week later, she called him and tried to set up another "date."  Even offered to clean the place up and cook dinner for him.  They tried to set things up a couple times, but it always fell through.  Eventually, he stopped calling her back.  I asked if she got paid that first night, and she said yes.  And that was why she felt guilty and kept calling him for a makeup session.  She later decided that maybe escort work wasn't her cup of tea.

Trina may not have been the world's greatest hooker, but at least she was a fully guaranteed one.  


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Confessions of an Erotic Tweeter - Continued...

I started tweeting this week because I thought it would be fun to add a new "as it happens" perspective to The Business.  Not that I've ever really tried it before - I mean I'm used to sitting down and telling a whole story at a time, not a sentence or two.  It's totally different from what I'm used to saying because in a tweet I don't have room to really explain anything.

For example, I thought it would be kinda fun to try to tweet something while performing a happy ending.  Real simple, right?  Just type a few words on my phone with my right hand, while the left hand takes care of business.  Then we can all have a good laugh.

Holy shit - I didn't realize what a pain in the ass this can be.  First off, I couldn't find any customers willing to let me tweet about their session.  I've never seen such scared looks on customers before!  You would have thought I suggested taking their pic and texting it to their wife for goodness sake.

Second, I kinda forgot about the physical impracticalities of using the cell phone during a hand release.  I figured it would be easy since I always keep my phone on me during session.  I mute the phone, then put it next to the bottle stand so the customer can't see it from the table, but I can see the screen light up if anyone calls/texts. 

What I forgot about is that I use baby oil during the hand release, so I couldn't touch my phone even if I wanted to!  I tend to use both hands for the ending, which means I would have to plan on moving the phone over to the massage table and then starting the handjob with my left hand.  Meanwhile my customer has to be cool with all this nonsense, and if there's anything a guy does not appreciate during a happy ending it's distractions.

Then one customer seemed cool with the idea, but he ended up asking for a breast release, which made it impossible to use the phone at all.  Even though I keep my hands dry for those, I need both of them to keep The Girls in place else the angles and positions just don't work... it's complicated.

And finally, do you know how hard it is to clean semen off a phone?  Take it from me - a girl who's seen it happen to a couple customers who thought it would be fun to video their own happy ending.  You wanna hear something mean?  When a guy asks to tape the hand release, I wait until he's about ready to cum, then I deliberately aim his load at the camera.  Of course I apologize innocently afterwards.  "I'm sorry...  I didn't realize you were going to have such a big load!  When was the last time you got laid?  Jeez."

Well, I'll keep trying to get that elusive tweet in the middle of the action, just give me some time.  In the meanwhile, it's kinda fun to just say whatever I want about work as it's happening.  It's the kind of thing I can never do with most friends and family.


Monday, July 2, 2012

Confessions of an Erotic Tweeter

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am now on twitter!  Check me out at happyendingzcj.

I figured it would be more fun to tweet shit while it happens!


Saturday, June 23, 2012

Our Little Girl Is Growing Up

There comes a time in every girl's life where her mom sits her down and awkwardly attempts to explain the facts of life.  In my case, it was my mom reluctantly describing the beautiful act of "relations" between married people for the express purpose to make babies.  I remember what a joy it was to watch her stutter over the word "penis" and what its job was.  Meanwhile all I wanted to know was if pulling out really was the best method of birth control, and if semen caused tooth decay.

 Well, the closest thing to explaining the birds and bees finally happened to me at work when Kimmie pulled me aside and asked if it's OK for a customer to "do things to my feet."  Ahhhhhh Kimmie...  I remember my first foot worshiper - and how I was fascinated at what lengths guys will go to sodomize them.  

"Sit down Kim," I started.  "I don't think I've filled you in on all the rules yet."

Now that I'm running The Business, Audrey's rules are still pretty much my rules.  In a nutshell, the rules are pretty much as follows:

1)  No penetration
2)  Door and clothing option prices are fixed
3)  No one under 21
4)  Nothing after hours (or offsite)
5)  Dress conservatively

The first one goes without saying.  We are a massage parlor - not a brothel.  This is what keeps us off the radar screens and allows us to operate without too much hassle from the town.  Even though some of us (Audrey you slut I'm talking about you) may violate it from time to time, it's still the biggest rule we have.

Our prices for the basic services are fixed.  They have to be, else the girls start to undercut each other in order to steal customers.  Then before you know it, guys are coming in off the street and demanding blowjobs for $25 because "Crystal does it." Seen it tear apart other businesses, so it's something we all have to stick to in order for it to be fair to everyone.

We don't serve minors, and to be safe we card anyone who doesn't look 21.  I know that 20 isn't a minor, but it's just another one of those things that keeps us off the radar screens.  The last thing we need is someone's mom bursting through our doors demanding to know why her minivan is parked out front when Tommy said he was going to the movies and... OH MY GAAAAAWD WHAT IS THIS PLACE?  And if you think that scenario is weird, try the dad's who bring their son's in for their "first time."  No thanks - we'll just keep throwing out anyone under 21.

The Business does not offer outcall service.  For newbies out there, that's when the girl comes to your place.  We also don't like it when girls do sessions beyond our normal business hours.  Once again, odd hours of operation are a red flag to the cops, so we try to avoid it.  Also, it's just safer to work within our set schedule, that way I know when the place is supposed to be empty.

And lastly, it's a house rule that we all dress conservatively.  For you fans of "The Client List" it's totally unrealistic (and dangerous) to have the entire staff walking around in lingerie.  You never know who's walking through that door at any given time.  Could be a woman booking a therapeutic session, or maybe the guy next door asking if Fedex has been by yet.  Or it could be a cop.  In any case, the rule is to keep our clothing options INSIDE the room.  Best outfit for work - jeans and a polo shirt. 

I told Kimmie that it's perfectly OK to have a guy do stuff to her feet, as long as she's comfortable with it.  Then I gave her advice on how to deal with "extras" (any requests above and beyond the basic massage and hand release).  Turns out that she's been saying "We don't do that" more than a few times.  Boy, that brought back memories...  I remember using that exact phrase when I first started working.  Except that I was using it when customers asked where their happy ending was.  Whoops.

Kimmie's eyes got big when I told her about the "Breast release."  And I thought she was going to run out of the room when I mentioned the "Butt release."  

"Ewwwwwwwww... Why would a guy want to cum on my ass?"  

I didn't even blink.  "Why would a guy want to fuck your feet?  It's our job to let the customer know what we are and aren't comfortable with in the room.  This is the kinda stuff that they're afraid to ask from their girlfriends.  So be prepared to get a lot of questions about all sorts of things you've never heard of before.  Just relax and remember what the rules are.  And if you ever get confused about what's allowed, just come out of session and ask me.  Oh - and don't ask Maude anything.  She's a prude."   

Now that was a Birds-and-Bees speech any mom would have been proud of.




Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Help

I don't want to jinx anything yet, but I think I finally found the "New Girl."  In fact, I'm so hopeful that I'll actually give her a name - we'll call her "Kimmie."  Let's just hope that she lasts long enough for me to talk about her again.

I found her in the weirdest way too - she was recommended by a customer.  Turns out she was doing housekeeping for this guy, and he eventually discovers that she used to do massage therapy before moving here.  Typical story too - followed her boyfriend up here, then they break up.  She's stuck in the middle of no where with no money and ends up doing odd jobs.  

And that's when Kimmie hears about The Business.  She came in for an interview and we clicked almost immediately.  I mean, she sounds professional, responsible, and trustworthy - everything  men look for in a handjob.  

Actually, she's a very pretty, heavyset brunette (in case you were wondering).  Not that that's important to me at this point.  All I wanted was a girl who could tell time and didn't have a drug addiction.  Instead I got a professional masseuse with a sense of humor and an open mind.  

Hey - that's pretty much how I got started in The Business.  So I gave Kimmie a chance and explained to her how it works around here.  She said it's pretty much what she's done before, except for that little bit at the end.  I suggested that she just pretend she's on a first date with a guy and it's going really really well.  "That's not the point," she says.  "I really don't know how to use my hand on a man."  

Really?  I mean REALLY?  I always thought it was pretty much a required skill in order to graduate high school.  But not for Kimmie.  She found it was easier to blow a guy than jerk him off.  I guess I could see the logic in that, but if that's the case then what was she saving for the 2nd date?

So here I am stuck with an erotic masseuse who doesn't know how to give a hand release.  What's a girl to do?  Well, I'm a professional who's been doing this for long enough, so I did what I had to do - handjob lessons.

If you think teaching someone how to jerk a dick is awkward, try being the test subject.  I took Kimmie and had her sit in the lobby during my next appointment.  25 minutes later, I cracked open the door to my room and told her to come in.  I can only imagine what was going through her mind as she walked in on her first erotic massage session.  

"John" and I were completely naked.  He was on lying on the table, but managed a "hello" when she walked in.  I told her to stand next to me at the table.  I've taught new girls before, but never really a "hands on" demonstration (pun fully intended).  I oiled up my hands and told her to pay attention.  I started off with the standard one-handed tug, using my left hand to work the shaft and playing with the balls using the right.  Best to start off slow.  My infamous double handed criss-cross technique is way too advanced for a newbie.

Kimmie just watched during that first session.  I wanted her to study a happy ending from start to finish.  It's not just the hand release she has to learn, but the whole ritual of how to initiate, perform and finish.  Some places leave the customer to clean up after themselves, but I've always found that as rather low class.  I think the cleanup afterwards is just another part of the whole experience, and if done properly, it can be very sensual and memorable for the customer.

The next session I had Kimmie actually perform the hand release - under my direction.  "Bill" didn't mind.  In fact, I think he rather enjoyed having 2 girls in the room.  BUT - it didn't go very well.  Hey - Rome wasn't built in a day, right?  Her problem was the the standard newbie mistake of jerking mechanically.  That technique may actually work  when your boyfriend is 16, but should get more sophisticated as you get older.   Eventually, I just told her to stop and I took over and finished the job.

It was Trina the following day that had a breakthrough with Kimmie.  And by breakthrough I mean she actually brought her first customer to orgasm.  Luckily, that was the hard part of the training process.  The 2nd part is just taking your clothes off, which she apparently had no problem with.  

It's been almost 2 weeks now, and she's worked 8 shifts (all supervised).  She's a quick learner, and has even got a repeat customer!  Not bad for a newbie.  So now Trina and I have actually started talking about plans for the summer.  Now a couple more girls and maybe I can retire.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Q&A 7

Hey guys.  I've haven't been paying nearly as much attention to the comments as I should lately.  So today I'm going to try to catch up on your questions.

What did Maude say?
She won't tell me exactly.  When I asked her, I wanted to know so I could use it myself if needed.  She just said that from where she's from, she has assholes like that for breakfast.  I asked what she would have done if he had pulled a gun or something, and she said "Do you really think I've never had to stare down a guy with a gun before?" 

Holy crap - I'm glad she's on my side!!!

Have you guys avoided being placed on review sites such as xxxxxx and xxxxxx
You can't.  In fact, The Business is on several that include the northeast.  I just make a point not to give them any plugs because there are more than a few forums dedicated to finding me and The Business. 

What I can say about the escort/massage review sites is that they can be a blessing and a curse.  I say curse because they talk so much shit on those things.  I don't know how many times guys have posted total lies about me and what I will and won't do in the room. 

Then on rare occasion there will be a decent, truthful review about me.  And it doesn't necessarily have to be positive.  I've had guys flat out say don't bother seeing me if you want full service.  That's fine with me because it's true!  What I hate is when some asshole goes on and on about what a ripoff I am because I wouldn't suck his dick.  Hello - we're a MASSAGE PARLOR!!  If you're going to bother to use the review sites, at least do your homework and find out what kind of place we are first!

Hey CJ, can you give an idea of current prices for certain services?
I have described prices all over this blog.  Start with the blog entries I have highlighted on the side of the page here.  But if you are talking about  a particular kink or fantasy request, you can always e-mail me directly.  In general though, I usually charge $50 per "extra." 

Have any of your coworkers discovered the blog?
Trina and Cindy have known about the blog ever since the beginning.  In fact, Trina actually did a guest post for me (she hated it).  And Cindy... well let's just say that letters and words aren't her thing.

Audrey never found out (thank goodness), which is almost a surprise considering how much she surfs the internet for anything related to The Business.  I swear, she will know about a post about us on one of those review sites within a day.  She's that good.  I don't know if she still does considering she doesn't work here anymore. 

As for Maude - if it's not on Ebay, then it doesn't exist.

The closet thing I've ever come to anyone finding out about the blog had nothing to do with the internet.  It was that disastrous Playboy Radio interview a few years ago that almost did me in.  Almost immediately after appearing as a call in guest, I had two people on the phone telling me they heard this woman on the radio who sounded just like me - AND SHE WORKED IN A MASSAGE PARLOR!

"Ha ha, isn't that funny" I said.  I never would have guessed how many people listen to that damn show.

I am curious about your crisis moment when you allowed the guy to finger you.  Why did you do that?
If you remember that story, I was at rock bottom.  I needed the money.  At least I thought I did.  Now the extra $100 I got that day is long gone.  But it took a very very long time for me to regain my self respect. 

What is the most amount of real O's Trina has ever had in a day?
Believe it or not, I actually did ask her this question when she finally confessed to me.  I think she said 5 or 6.  And it included fucking her boyfriend later that night.

You sometimes mention police raids or officers who try to infiltrate a Business.  I was wondering if you ever had an experience with anything like that?
Not as such - and not because we're lucky or we pay off anyone.  We see cops around here on a regular basis.  We're just smart about the whole thing.  Not being full service goes a long way in keeping you off the radar screens.

But don't get me wrong.  The local cops know we're here and they know we're a parlor.  They just leave us alone because when we're not jerking off horny truckers, we could be giving a therapeutic session to Officer Smith's Nana. And occasionally when Nana is not around, Officer Smith will stop by for a non-theapeutic session of his own.

As for stings, I'm not really worried.  First off, we can usually spot a cop a mile away because we know there are certain things they are allowed and not allowed to do in the room.  Second.  it's just not worth all the time and money for them to stake out a parlor, send in phony customers, and then entrap the girl for offering a handjob.  At the most all they're gonna get to stick in court is a public indecency or lewdness charge. 

And then Nana gets upset because her favorite "girl" is gone...

I'm wondering if your parlor offers "doubles" i.e. 2 masseuses doing the massage. 
Yes we do, and we call them "Doubles" or "Four Hands."  It's basically double the price and with that you get 2 sets of hands performing the massage.  Guys tell me it's an incredible experience to get 2 separate areas of their body done at the same time.   As for the happy ending, we've discovered that unless you're hung like a porn star, it's rather awkward to have 2 girls perform the hand release.  So what we usually do is have 1 girl take care of the release, and the other girl will do a tease to sort of hurry things along.

When I'm in a double, I'll usually take care of the release while the other girl massages either his thighs or pecs.  If I really like the customer I'll occasionally, let the other masseuse do the release while I lean over the guys head and let The Girls bounce in front of his face. 

Really CJ.  How could you possibly not want to talk about Trina being sluttier than you thought?
Hey - I just discovered that too.  Besides, it's only been recently that she's started to share stories.  I mean, I thought I knew her, and what her sessions were like.  Boy was I wrong.  I hope to change all that with my new feature "Trina's Tale."

What's a phone book?
It's this thing that people used to get information about local businesses in the old days.  And right under the heading of "Massage - Non-Therapeutic," there were listings for your local massage parlor.  It used to be that simple.

But now with the internet, most people think you can find a parlor more easily online.   The problem is if you just google "massage parlor" and your home town, you'll probably get tons of nonsense and useless information.  Or if you're lucky enough to find a real post on Craigslist or any of it's clones, it'll probably be just phone numbers and vague references to "relaxation" or "soft touch."

A good old fashioned phone book, or even newspaper used to provide not just a phone number, but an actual address of genuine parlors in town.  Then it was up to you to decipher the ads to figure out if it's "that kind" of place or not. 

Call me old school, but I prefer it that way.  We have some ads posted on the internet, but it's just not the same.  I know that we need to embrace the future and try to get some online presence OTHER than the parlor review sites, where we get to control the content of the ad.  But it's so hard, especially since things like Craigslist have come down on the adult ads. 

Are there camera's in your room?
Not in the room, but on the premises. 

Are there secret passages in rooms just in case of raiding?
Are you kidding?  You try to build a "secret passage" using bonded labor, building permits, and landlord permission for all mods.

You're probably talking about something you've seen on TV or the movies.  That's one of the reasons why I hate "The Client List."  It's such bullshit and people just assume it's all real.  Take for example their back rooms.  I love the way all the girls just walk around half naked all day.  Now if that place was raided, you try explaining that you're a legit health spa when your employees are all wearing trashy lingerie.  

At The Business, we usually wear a polo shirt and slacks or jeans.  Very plain is the rule.  Cindy used to show up in tube tops and daisy dukes, but I had to say something.  

We also have another rule of nothing incriminating in the rooms.  No condoms, no lingerie, no sex toys - nothing.  If a customer wants to see us in lingerie, they have to bring it in themselves AND it must be new with tags.  Gawd forbid we ever are raided (or even inspected per the new laws), there will be NOTHING improper lying around.

Is sabotaging between competitors common?
In a way yes, but nothing like calling the cops and turning in our fellow masseuses.  At the most we'll bad mouth other girls at other businesses.  It's not good practice though because you never know when you're gonna be out of a job and knocking on the competitions door.   

I heard that sex-related industries are usually backed by gangs and mafias as a front for money laundering.
Some definitely are.  For example, we experienced a huge crackdown last year on massage parlors in this area.  Turns out that most of our local Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) were being managed by organized crime out of New York City. 

I'm probably going to get a lot of shit from some guys about "not all parlors use sex slaves" - particularly from the west coast.  But fact of the matter is that I'm just reporting what was in the news as it was happening here.  The FBI got involved and they raided around 2 dozen places over the course of 18 months - most of them Asian.  They discovered that most of the girls were illegals who were trucked in from NYC.  And to top it off, one of the local "Mama-sans" was murdered in broad daylight shortly after her parlor was closed.

In comparison, the local American parlors are not run by the mob or gangs.  Assholes who harass and ripoff their girls maybe, but not organized crime.

Does it make me a whore if I want to do this for a living?
No.  It just means that you care deeply for your fellow man.  Really really deeply.

And that's it for Q&A 7.  Lots of weirdness going on around here, so I'll try to get to it next time.  Till then...