Monday, May 19, 2008

A Good Hand is Hard to Find

One of you guys asked why we don’t just post want ads up at the local strip clubs. Well, the short answer is no. The long answer is hell no.

But the REALLY long answer is this. Contrary to popular belief, erotic massage is more related to massage therapy than it is to stripping. To demonstrate this, I’m going to break down a typical 45 minute session into its 3 essential components.

Part 1 – Getting Naked
Part 2 – Massaging
Part 3 – Happy Ending

Part 1 is the only thing that the 2 worlds of erotic massage and stripping have in common. That part requires no skill and takes up only 1 minute of the session. A stripper may try to stretch this out to 5 minutes at the most, but any longer and the customer will complain about how he’s getting gypped out of a massage.

Part 3 requires almost no experience, and even then it can easily be satisfied with On-The-Job training. This part usually takes about 5 minutes, and even a stripper won’t try to stretch this out any further than necessary.

So that still leaves about 35 minutes for part 2 - the massage. Now anyone experienced in therapeutic massage can easily spend 35 minutes delivering a half-way decent workout to all major portions of the body including the neck, upper and lower back, legs, arms and upper chest. Meanwhile, someone with no experience can manage only 15 minutes of the typical “girlfriend” quality, neck/upper back massage before she runs out of material and energy. This is the main reason why we try not to hire strippers (or anyone with no experience for that matter).

At my last business I worked with a bunch of different strippers, and the customers always said the same thing about them – “Great to look at – lousy massage.” Another problem with strippers is that they’re not very reliable workers. Stripping tends to pay better than massaging, so we were usually the 2nd job. This meant they were always missing shifts if there were any conflicts.

So there you have it - this is why strippers make lousy erotic masseuses. If you still want to get a handjob from a stripper, I would suggest going to the Champagne room or whatever you call it at your local strip club.

If there are any current or ex-strippers reading this mess, please feel free to add your comments. No offense to any of you – this is just my experience.



Cormac Mac Art said...

I agree. When utterly stressed out (and I have been stressed to the max these past several years) I found exactly what you described just what I needed. Oral sex is still the best for me, but handjobs can be eroticly intimate. The pleasure of a happy ending has a lot to do with letting someone else do all the work for you, for once!

Unbroken said...

Maybe the candidate should give YOU a massage during the interview. Then you get first hand experience to see if she's qualified. And maybe she can give YOU a happy ending as well!

Anonymous said...

More interview stories!! Or have you hired a new girl yet?

cj said...


Interesting idea - the massage, not the happy ending test. But honestly, I don't know if I want any of these strangers touching me. Ewwwwww.

And we haven't hired anyone yet. Luckily the 3 of us are doing OK considering business is slow. But I promise to share more stories of the freaks as they happen! LOL


zencycle said...

I would like to add this - I am a competitive endurance athlete. Last fall I ran a double duathlon in a brand new pair of running shoes. At my next massage therapy session (at a sports physiology clinic, no happy endings allowed), I asked my masseuse to spend extra time on my feet.


Over the years I managed to compartmentalize the erotic nature of massage for the purpose of receiving actual deep tissue sports massage. Now, I don't know the technique the masseuse was using, all I can say was, I was on my back, with my eyes closed, and it felt like she was sucking my toes.


I was good. I kept mr. happy at bay, but it was difficult.

I felt this comment was appropriate in light of your customer comments regarding 'lousy massage'.

Anonymous said...

What's up with the stripper bashing and automatic assumption that happy endings (or extras in a strip club) are readily available? I was a dancer briefly, and there are plenty of hardworking, clean girls who cringe at the thought of doing anything outside of what they're being paid to do, which is dance. It's not fair to stereotype an entire industry full of individuals, just as I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate anyone lumping in the seedy, dirty, illegitimate massage girls who happen to be full service in with you. Also, contrary to popular belief there is alot of skill that goes into taking off your clothes in a sensual, entertaining way. It's an art form and takes some practice, the same as learning to massage someone properly takes training and lots of practice. Workers in different segments of the sex industry become downright hostile when some asshole tries to compartmentalize them and define them based on an unfounded, lousy stereotype, and then they turn around and try to set themselves by hurling the same negative stereotypes at other workers in the industry. I don't understand it, and I wish that you would be more open minded.

Anonymous said...

Well,I have to say,yes,an expert handjob is extremely underated,I still remember my first-from a Thai Hooker.
One of the Massage Parlours I frequent had recently doubled its entrance fee to £20 at the time,leaving me £10 short and unable to get the blowjob I had in mind (which was £40,I now only had £30) so she offered a handjob.
I had never had one before,it had never interested me,and I had no idea how good it could be at the time,it just seemed like a cheap compromise,a waste of money.
I started to say no,and was about to leave,she seemed to sense this,and once she did, it was hard to argue with her,as she seemed to be taking control,and she said 'I give you gooood handjob' looking into my eyes while she squeezed the shaft of my cock through my boxers,she had it gripped just under the head,between a thumb and forefinger.
I had barely took off my jeans and got out my wallet yet,we hadn't even agreed anything yet!
I tried to keep my cool face on,as if chicks just do this kinda thing to me all the time,you know...
But my cock betrayed me,CJ!
It responded to this sudden,unexpected stimulus by becoming instantly rock-hard and straining against my boxers!
She smiled at this,looking pleased with herself,and held out her hand,I sighed,I saw resistance was useless against her,paid her the £30,and she squirted baby oil on my cock and jerked me off and I while I lay down and relaxed,hiking her tunic dress up,caressing her curvy ass and kissing her buttocks,then busted a massive nut,I lasted about maybe 4 minutes,it was fantastic!
Working Girls fully understand that when they negotiate prices,my logical man's brain can be rendered useless by circumventing the brain and getting my cock to make the decisions.
Because that's what drives a man to apy for sex,it's not a brains decision,it's a balls decision,that's why we're here.
When a whore puts her thigh between my legs,or squeezes my balls or shoves her tits in my face,my brain is essentially in Cruise Control,and the balls are making the decisions from now on,and my brain goes a bit numb as she eyes my wallet and runs off a price list.
I can hear numbers and stuff,but I am a bit dazed by now,so have to get her to repeat the numbers and suddenly struggle at basic math as I squint at a fistful of money and start to drool.
I am often left mistified at how they managed to empty my balls AND wallet and leave me blissfully unaware of exactly how much money I just spent on them in the last half-hour,I often lose track.

Anonymous said...

CJ talks about strippers the way she talks about asian parlors. Cliches.

mrbig said...

Does CJ have any advice on how to have a day spa massause perform happy endingz?

mrbig said...

also, are there really soft hands competitions?