Monday, March 10, 2008

How to Find a Massage Parlor…

One of you guys asked me how to find an Erotic Massage Parlor. Well, the easiest way to start is to pick up the Yellow Pages. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Hummmmmmm…hummmmmm…hummmmmmmm… Ok? Got it? Now open it up to the “M’s and look for “Massage” (If you get to “Massage Therapists” – go back... you went too far). Wasn’t that easy? Go look at the listings. Anything that has the words Parlor, Sauna, or Acupressure in the title – BINGO - it’s a massage parlor! Also, if a listing sounds vaguely asian, exotic, or risqué, it’s probably a massage parlor. For example: Oriental Star, Maximus, or Pleasureland are all probably massage parlors.

By the same token, any ad with the words: LMT, Therapeutic, or Hair and Nails, is NOT NOT NOT a massage parlor!!!! Having begun my career in a legitimate salon, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys make this embarrassing mistake.

Other key words to look for in the ads are: Table Shower, Body Shampoo, and Stress Relief. Also look at the hours – Massage Parlors will usually have weird, late hours.

Before I proceed, let me make a disclaimer here… I am NOT advocating any illegal activity on your part. I am just providing some general information that you can use at your own risk. I take no responsibility for whatever you guys get into.

Now that THAT’S out of the way… you probably want to know how to identify a place that’s full service or happy ending only. This one is tougher, but I’ll try to share with you what I know. Any ads that say: Now Hiring, Incall, or Outcall are probably Full Service. Please don’t ask why “Now Hiring” is a code word cuz I don’t know! Now with that said, I can’t tell you any code words to identify a Hand Job Only place. You can try the internet for some chat rooms or something to see if anyone knows anything about your local places. In general, the more legitimate a place appears to be, the more likely it’s HJ only. Or they can be a mix. For example, I’ve worked at places where I was the “Go To Girl” for HJ’s and Therapeutic massages (or suspected Narcs). Since I have my license, I would be the 1 girl they could trot out when things had to appear legit. Know what I mean?

Well guys, this should be more than enough info to get you through the door – the rest is up to you. And remember – we work for tips, so please be generous. If you come in with a good attitude and know what to expect, we’ll both have a good time. Relax! It’s all about having fun!

See ya this weekend!

CJ

25 comments:

bsgerotism said...

This comment is totally out of topic but your breasts are awesome. If I may, between them must be a great place for a happy ending ;-).
I left another comment on an older post, that one more on-topic and more serious.

cj said...

BSG -

I dedicated today's post to you. Enjoy!

CJ

Robert Joe said...

Thanks for the tips, I am truly happy to receive these from you, however I have a Foot massager at my place so I seldom talk of massage parlors!

TO said...

Hi CJ, still loving your blog. What do you think this means (in a local ad for a "spa"):
You may self-shower on premises. No table showers provided.

Do you think it means that basically the customer can take care of his own climax but the masseuse won't do it?

cj said...

Dear TO,

You cracked the code! "Self-shower" is a code word for "shower yourself."

Sorry nothing hidden here - just means that showers are available on the premesis. This is big for truck drivers, and guy with wives/girlfriends.

But on the positive side, a shower hints big time that they give happy endings. Good luck!

CJ

Anonymous said...

I used the yellow pages for this stuff about 10 years ago but luckily there are better ways on the internet now. I use www.naughtyreviews.com because the massage parlor reviews are free and it takes out all the guess work.

Anonymous said...

Hey, great blog! Thanks for doing this! So I've been looking for a place in my area that will do at least a hand release - it's a big city/suburban area. There are a bunch of little parlors around. I've been to two of them, each for three separate visits just in case they are testing me out to make sure I'm safe. I'm not asking for extras like you suggest, but they sure aren't offering anything up. These places have got to provide "non therapeutic services"... They advertise shower tables, relaxation, etc, and during the massage things definitely get sensual - they spend a lot of time massaging near to the fun spots, just never going there. I tip well. I'm very clean and professional looking. Am I doing something wrong?

Thanks!

cj said...

Table showers are the biggest giveaway that they're happy ending places. You must be giving off the wrong vibe. Next time just say you've been there before and then ask about options for the "ending part." See what they say. Good luck!

CJ

Anonymous said...

My local yellow pages is pretty much useless because the info is hopelessly out of date. But there is no doubt about which establishments would be of interest. One section called "theraputic massage" and another is for "non-theraputic massage." The latter might as well read, here it is guys, "massage with happy ending."

The regional newspaper has a section for health & beauty services. Virtually all of the ads are for massage and the code words are there as you describe. And to make it even more obvious, some of ads have a big star next to the listing which reads, in solid caps, "Adult Massage" ... Hello ... ;-). You can check it out on nj.com

Anonymous said...

P.s. from Anon just above. Any suggestions on how to tell a place like yours from an AMP? All of the newspaper ads seem to read "AMP" between the lines. It's hard to find a non-AMP place in northern NJ.

And thanks for this informative, entertaining and overall amazing blog! I just found it and can't stop reading!

Anonymous said...

Anon, call the phone number in the ad before visiting. You'll know right away if the place is an AMP.

bucky.katt said...

It's almost a guarantee that any massage parlor that advertises on the sports page is a rub & tug. If it's open past 9 PM you're a lock!

Anonymous said...

I'm too lazy to pick apart all the BS in this.

I'll just say that while it's true that most guys are clueless and chickenshit about getting action in the massage world... Things are not always as clear cut as implied by all here.

In my area, there's a Thai parlor with a table shower and others that advertise "body scrub". Before I gave up on finding anything illegal in those Thai places, I thought that those were telltale clues. Well, they AREN'T and I wasted my money (unless your idea of fun is an Asian grandma cleaning you up with a cold, wet loofah in an open room, never touching your junk, very hospital-like).

Also some legit parlors desperate for business go as far as advertising in the LA X-Press or on Cityvibe! I got duped that way (bait & switch) and took it like a gentleman, but I saw a guy once storm out of a Thai joint yelling and demanding to know why they had an ad in a sex rag. He was majorly pissed (likely blue balls) and I couldn't help but smile (I was just there for a massage and went "How rude!" to my masseuse).

So mongers everywhere should expect excitement and surprises of all sorts, but realize that THERE ARE NO RULES.
The "sure thing", just like with women, is a fantasy. Go to parlors like you go to Vegas. Bring enough cash to have fun, but nothing you're not willing to lose.

There's showers in most parlors, legit or not.

Legit or not, the immense majority of parlors are open from 8-10 am to 8-10 pm. A 10 pm closing time is NOT evidence of hanky panky.

Anon of 8/30/10 3:35 PM, why the problem with AMPs? If you're a racist douche, that's cool, but if you bought CJ's propaganda, you've been had. And as a monger, you can perfectly be an asshole, but certainly NOT stupid - the latter end up with the clap or the snap (handcuffs)!

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ,



Love your posts. I am a newbie that has been to a a few MP. Never had the happy.



I am always nervous that itcould be a set up.



I know it is crazy, but I always feel like I am walking into a sting, where afterwards I would walk out only to meet a cop with a badge.



Could that ever happen?



I know you have researched the laws alot and say that the MP's are only nuissance establishments, but would they ever use an MP as a place to catch the customers?



If all goes well, do I have anything to worry about on the way out of the door. Geez I am paranoid. Ha!



Thanks for your time and comments. :)

A

Anonymous said...

For the guys that seem to be striking out, of the hints I picked up early is that turning down the table shower before the massage is a sign you might be a cop. Allays say "Yes" to the table massage if you want a Happy Ending!

MelissaBlade said...

How often do you think town officials know about these places and just ignore it?

Just curious if you ever worry about that.

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ, I recently discovered your blog and I really enjoy it! I'm an avid parlor-visitor but there's a local place that stumps me. The women are pretty attractive and very good at massaging(not an asian place), but all of the ads are on backpage, and local forums have indicated a few of the women have given a hj. There's one lady that I like the most, but how can I show that I'm willing to pay extra for a HJ without actually soliciting? Thanks and I love your blog!!

Anonymous said...

sorry, I forgot to post the link. Just look at the ad, would that seem to be hinting at extra?? I know some of the women that work there are licensed but I don't know how long ago

http://tampa.backpage.com/TherapeuticMassage/917-appts-available-tonight-from-5-to-9-pm-5000-one-hr-full-body-including-glutes/5037485

Anonymous said...

For help on how to get the happy ending, I can only speak from my experience: (1) as has been suggested in other posts, always say yes to the table shower. (2) During the massage, let the masseuse know you like it when she gets close to your private areas. When she is rubbing close to your asshole, balls, cock, even near your lower stomach/abdomen, give her a slight moan, tell her "I like that" or "that feels good", or even arch your back or raise your ass up to give her easier access, spread your legs wider apart, or do some combination of these. (3) At the end of the normal massage, which usually is when you are lying on your back, if the masseuse doesn't actually ask you if you want "special massage", go ahead and ask her "can I have the "special massage"? If the establishment provides the service, she will then proceed in one of several ways. She may ask what you want, at which time you can tell her specifically what you want. At that point, if she provides the service requested, she will probably tell you what it will cost. Instead of asking for a special massage, you can point to your cock and say "what about more?" this is all it has taken in my experience.

All of my happy endings have been at Asian massage parlors in Georgia (and one in Florida). My experiences there have been positive ones--all have been clean, conducted in private rooms with regular massage tables, and not of the "seedy" variety. I'm not saying these places don't exist, but simply that my experiences have not been at those kinds of places.

The masseuse at my very first experience asked if I wanted "special massage.". Of course, I said yes, and she proceeded to take off her clothes, started hand job, then there was kissing, total contact, putting my fingers on and in her, and when I pulled her onto the table she told me "no fucking!" and of course I complied. She cleaned me off after I came and I tipped her.

One masseuse at a different place did not offer anything after the normal massage,and I asked "is that all?". I was uncertain if this place provided more, even though I had read a blog that confirmed it did. I then asked for a special massage. Not only did she give a great hand job, but told me to always point to my cock and ask "what about him?". As for negotiating price, she simply said "you take care of me and I will take care of you.". Based on blogs I had read, I gave her $40, and have been back several times, all with $40-60 tips.

One masseuse at another parlor actually walked in the room I had been led to by the mamas and planted a full, long kiss on my lips while grabbing my cock. We negotiated the price for full service at that moment.

Still another place escorted me to the room,did table massage, full body massage, and nothing else. I asked for a special massage, pointed to my cock, but she refused. I said "I have money" and she said it didn't matter. I walked out perplexed. And offered no tip. I later did searches online and discovered they had been raided by the police two months earlier and one lady had been arrested. This was my first (and only time) there. So they may not have trusted a total stranger.

Bottom line--let the masseuse know what you want if she doesn't give you an option, and normally it will aturally proceed from there.

Go to www.exoticmp.com for reviews on massage parlors all across the country, mostly Asian parlors. For the details of most reviews, however, you have to be a paid member. But reviews are very specific and leave few questions u answered, and you can also communicate with others about their experiences. This helped me in the beginning, and I later cancelled my membership:)...I should get paid for a free promo:)

Anonymous said...

514-244-6286 ask for the "Spit Shine."

Anonymous said...

Learn how to safe time and money getting your happy Ending @ www.parlorguide.com

mrbig said...

Massage Envy is a legitimate massage establishment, so does that mean they might do handjobs?

Anonymous said...

Are massage parlors always in semi-sketchy or rural areas? I'm guessing I won't find one between whole foods and bed bath and beyond.

mrbig said...

the more legitimate a place looks the more likely it's going to have handjobbers. This seems to be what CJ is saying.

CandG said...

Great blog! Very informative and quite fun to read. Perhaps I missed it but do you have any experience or advice on couples massage sessions? My bf and I are looking to experience one together but don't know where to start or how they work. This may not be your area of expertise but I'm curious to know a masseuses take on them and the do's and don'ts of those as well. Any advice or tips? Thanks and we've bookmarked you and look forward to more posts!