Friday, November 21, 2008

Massage Parlor Etiquette




OK - now that we're approaching the Mother of All Massage Weeks - Thanksgiving - I thought I'd give you guys a quick lesson in massage parlor etiquette. Why Thanksgiving week you ask? Well, think about it...


1) Millions of tired, cranky guys on the road in desperate need of stress relief
2) All heading to places they're in no hurry to get to
3) Wallets are full and have not been emptied yet by the Xmas season
4) It's the last opportunity to do something for yourself for the next 5 weeks

So I expect all you guys out there to hit your local (or not so local) massage parlors next week. Pay attention because there will be a quiz. Now I'm not going to get into HOW to find a massage parlor, since I went over that in an older post. I will also take this moment to remind you guys out there to boycot the Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) since they are usually tied to organized crime. So if you're gonna get your dick rubbed, do it for America!

We'll assume that you've found a place and you're ready to give it a try. These rules should apply to parlors whether full-service or not. So take notes and pay attention:


1) Be prepared

As long as you're prepared to have an erotic massage, things should go smoothly. First, be clean. A little personal hygiene goes a long way. Not every place has showers, so try to wash up before you head on over. I can't tell you how many times I've had to deal with nasty B.O. And let me tell ya - nothing turns off a masseuse more than a stinky customer. A little cologne helps too. Remember - you want us to ENJOY being around you for an hour. Come in with a little CK and I may be convinced to spend some extra time with you. Wear some Burberry and I may end up going home with you! But douse yourself with Drakkar and your ass may end up on the street.

The other key to being prepared is to BRING CASH. Some parlors will take credit cards, but ALL would prefer not to. Besides, when it comes time to negotiate what options you want in the room, you need cash! Nothing kills the mood faster than having to stop a session, just to go run a credit card. Besides, you probably want a paper trail less than we do.

For newbies, I would suggest having $200 in cash on you. Don't get scared - you can probably get a decent massage with a nice happy ending for around $100. But the last thing you want is to not have enough cash to negotiate with. Meanwhile, full service places may end up costing you more than $200. Believe me - there is no "maximum" to the amount you can spend in session. Now if you're looking for something more kinky or downright weird, then you DEFINITELY need to have some cash on you. I know what I charge for options and extras, but i can't speak for other places. So PLEASE don't ask me to guess how much a topless session with foot worship and ball-busting ending with a breast release would cost.

2) Know The Lingo

I've posted other stuff on the secret language of the massage parlor, but I'll quickly go over it here just so you don't do or say anything stupid.

When you walk in, don't say anything dumb like "Can I get laid?" As a general rule we do not discuss ANYTHING that goes on within the rooms on the phone or at the desk. This is for obvious reasons. Leave your dirty little laundry list of perversions for once you're inside the room. At the desk you'll first be asked if you've ever been there before. You can say, "Yes, but it's been a while..." or "No, but I've had non-therapeutic massages before." This lets them know that you're cool and they won't automatically stick you with a therapeutic massage with no happy ending.

Feel free to ask who'll be giving you the massage. Some places will trot out all the girls for you to chose from (We call this the "Beauty Pageant" and we HATE it). At most places you'll get whoever is working the desk. If you don't fancy her, feel free to ask if there's anyone else available, but don't be an asshole about it. One polite way that doesn't offend me is to ask if there's any "brunette's" available (I'm blonde). It doesn't hurt my feelings and gets me to describe the other girls.

All that's discussed at the front desk is just the amount of time you want in session. For starters, I'd say 45 minutes. 30 is too short to enjoy yourself, and the price for options remains the same. If you end up having a good time and want to increase it, you can always do that for a nominal price.

Once you're in the room, Wait for the masseuse to give you instructions before asking about what all the options are. If she asks you to "get comfortable" then leaves, that's your cue to disrobe and get under the towel. This part is important! I know some places that if you don't get naked, they take that as a sign that you're a newbie and want a therapeutic massage only. The masseuse will then offer you her particular options; typically topless, nude or G-string. When options are offered, the understanding is that you're gonna get your happy ending. You don't have to ask! At my business the happy ending is a hand release, but in full service places you'll also be offered the option of a blowjob or fucking. Either way, your session will still consist of a relaxing massage followed by the happy ending you paid for.

And finally, if you want what we call "extras" then ask up front. Extras are anything above and beyond the happy ending such as breast release, toe sucking, lingerie, facials, etc. Ask politely while you're still negotiating the options for two reasons. First, some girls may not mind the extra you want and won't charge for it. I knew one girl who didn't charge extra for breast releases because she figured anything that gets the guy off quicker, the better for her.

Second, if you wait till the end of your session to ask for an extra, you'll probably get charged more than if you had negotiated it up front. I can't begin to tell you how much $$$ I've made off of guys who wait till the MIDDLE of the hand release (when all the blood has rushed away from their brains) to ask for something extra. I call that a "Cha-Ching!" moment - as in "Hey Trina, the drinks are on me. I had a Cha-Ching moment during my 3 o'clock."

3) Attitude, Attitude, Attitude

The key to enjoying yourself, relaxing and having a good time in a massage parlor is attitude. I can't emphasize that enough. If you come in with the right attitude, then you'll definitely have a good time.

Think of it this way... Picture your masseuse as a really cute waitress. It's her job to get you what you ordered, you're going to be in close contact with her for an hour, and she works for tips. So what should you do if you want to really enjoy your time? You treat her with respect, you joke around, and even flirt. Remember - she's the one who's stuck at work, but would really like to enjoy that hour just as much as you do. So if you're friendly and make the time enjoyable for both of you, then she'll return the favor. But instead of free drinks, you might get some extra time or even an extra option for free!

I remember this one customer - a traveling salesman of some kind. Well, let me tell ya - this guy was a total pisser. He was cracking jokes and making me laugh from the minute he walked through the door. He was in no way a good looking guy, but I ended up enjoying his company so much that I actually went way outta my way for him, just so he'd stay longer. I even ended up doing a little strip tease for him - something that I NEVER do for Regulars because I'm too self conscious - just because we both thought it would be funny.

So remember guys - a little bit of the right attitude goes a looooong way.

4) Expectations

This one is particularly important for the newbies. Keep your expectations reasonable - especially if it's your first erotic massage. Remember - not all of you will be lucky enough to find me next week. Attitude also plays in this one. Expect to have a good time, but don't walk in to a place you've never seen before and expect a harem of Pamela Anderson clones willing to blow you. All you should expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage by a semi-clad masseuse, followed by a hand release.

Let me back up here... Technically, all you're supposed to expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage. That's it. In fact, some parlors will ONLY give you a therapeutic massage if you're a new customer. So there is a chance that you may get disappointed if it's your first time.
Chances are you won't know if the parlor you're in is full service or not until AFTER you get there.

Some full service places will just tell you up front, others wait until after you're in the room. Once again - DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING. Your masseuse may not tell you what her options are until after the massage part is over - especially if you're new and she's trying to figure out if you're cool or not. In my Business, I offer my clothing options up front (topless, nude, or G-string). I don't even mention the hand release, since I assume that it's understood. If you want an extra such as a breast release, go ahead and ask! Believe me, there is probably nothing new these girls haven't heard before.

Now if you don't know if the parlor you're in offers full service, by all means don't be afraid to ask! Just say up front "Are you full service?" It won't offend us. In fact, it helps if you get it on the table right away just so your expectations are addressed sooner rather than later. And if it's not full service - relax... you're still gonna get your happy ending!

One last thought on expectations... If you feel uptight about paying some anonymous woman to jerk you off - don't. Believe me, it's a job just like any other. I have a schedule, I get a paycheck, I pay taxes, I hate my boss, and I joke around with my coworkers just like everyone else. Do you look down on the woman who cuts your hair? Do you feel sorry for the guy who empties your garbage can? No - because they're just doing their jobs. It's the same thing with an erotic masseuse. I'm paid to do a very specialized task that not everyone can do.

So just lay back, relax and trust me. I'm a professional and I'm very good at my job.


Now go on out there guys and good luck! Let me know how your Thanksgiving vacations go. And I'll bet that your family will be wondering over their turkey dinner why you're in such a good mood this year.

CJ


50 comments:

Super said...

CJ -
Great post. Thanks for the advice :) Embarassing question, but maybe some other guys out there have the same issue: I'm a little "quick on the draw"...and by "a little", I mean "very". What's the best way to explain to the massuese to take it nice and easy so the happy ending isn't over in 30 seconds? Or do massueses just get annoyed by such a request and try to get you off as fast as possible anyway? Thanks!

-SD

Jerk said...

And one more suggestion for the newbies from a pervert whose been around the block a few times: the internet is your friend.

Google the place. Google erotic massage in that geographic region. You'll likely find a discussion forum where guys talk about their experiences, tell you how much you can expect to spend at a place, and describe any idiosyncrasies in the etiquette.

Do your research so you know what to expect, what it will cost, and how to have a good experience.

cj said...

Super,

Just tell the masseuse directly that you're "quick on the draw." Remember, there's nothing we haven't seen already.

Some masseuses just want to get it over with ASAP, but I always set aside at least 5 minutes. If you wanna lay back and enjoy every second, that's fine by me. I'll alternate between going fast and slow, maybe play with your balls or massage your thighs, then kick it back into high gear when it's time.

I prefer it when a customer gives me some input on how to get him off. It just makes my job easier.

CJ

Super said...

How about this one, have you ever seen a guy explode before you even touched him? lol

SD

Tom Moran said...

Dear CJ:

Thanks for a great post. You're really a very talented writer.

I must admit, though, that I would only go to a massage parlor for a happy ending if I knew where you worked, and when you'd be there.

After all, I only want the best.

8========Þ ~~~

Tom

zencycle said...

wow, you had some free time on your hands, eh? A two thousand word essay on how busy you're going to be...

Hey, up here in puritanical new england 'happy endings' aren't so easy to cum by...any suggestions/ideas for seacoast NH besides asking my right hand out for a date?

reflexve said...

CJ - Great post, stuff like this is why I think you really need to just write a book. You make it sound almost appealing enough for guys like me who don't really have a need to consider it.

goooooood girl said...

your blog is good good good......

cj said...

Hey guys!

What can I say... I take my job seriously! Can you imagine a book all about erotic massage parlors? You would have to wear a trenchcoat and sunglasses to buy it. But if I can help encourage more people to actually try an erotic massage, then I'd gladly do it!

Anyway, I've had a number of customers lose it before the happy ending. Most because they were premature, and a few because that was their kink. And if it's the former - sorry, no refunds!

Zen -
Hit the local phone books for NH. There should be a bunch of ads under "massage" and "massage therapy." Ignore the therapeutic ads - everything else is probably a massage parlor.

Tom -
Just go for it! You'd be surprised how cool some of us are.

CJ

Anonymous said...

This was a good read. I'm thinking of visiting one of the asian massage parlors and I'm kinda nervous about it.

1. How do you deal with LE (cops)? I'm worried that an LE will be waiting outside and approach me, or see me walk out and start questioning. JUST in case this happens, what do you do?

2. How do I get the massuesse to do some of the more kinky stuff? (anal, 69 etc etc). Do I go ahead and do it or would I have to kinda build up to it? I kinda want things to be hot and slow, not "lay down and I'll just ride you until your happy ending"

Thanks and you're a great writer!

Massage-Malaysia said...

This is unarguably Wikipedia-quality. Bookmarked.

Anonymous said...

what options are available for women who want happy ending massages from a woman? does that ever happen in your business? or are there special parlors for that?

cj said...

Dear Anon,
We don't have a male masseuse on staff, so I don't exactly know how that works.

We do have female customers - in fact they're all Regulars. They're local women who come in for therapeutic. They have no idea we also do Happy Endings, nor do we intend for them to ever find out.

They get a great therapeutic massage at a good price, and they help make us legitimate with the locals. A lot of new places make the mistake of turning away women - only to find that it attracts the attention of the local cops.

CJ

Anonymous said...

Just found your site. It's great and is helping me figure things out. I've found a place I want to check out. It seems like it could be a massage with a happy ending which is what I want. Her website says no sex, any mention of sex will end the session. I'm guessing this is just risk management because the rest of the site makes more erotic references. If I'm not supposed to ask for anything and she doesn't say anything, am I out of luck or is it okay to ask for a release?

cj said...

Anon,

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Look - we deny EVERYTHING right up until the moment you're sitting naked in the room. It's for safety. I say go for it, but don't assume anything until she confirms it. Once you're in session, then feel free to bring it up casually and respectfully. Remember, she can still say no, and may only offer extras after the first session just to make sure you're OK. Good luck!

CJ

Anthony said...

Good blog that you have there...Things a bit tighter in New York though, now my question is this; there's a local spa I frequent at least 4-5 times per month for my massage (asian...I've become a regular to the girls on a fisrt name basis, etc...I know the place is not certified with LMT's, so how do I make the first move as to let them know I would like more---but being discrete about it??? I've gone from underwear to being draped with a paper type of sheet as of late...What are good ways---things to say or do---to drop hint that I would like more...Seriously, this is a tough topic to get good answers....Help me out with this...Thanks

Massage Parlor Directory said...

Awesome post CJ. Your right about attitude...the best massage I ever received was with this girl I clicked with where the hour flew by since we were talking and laughing throughout.

Anonymous said...

CJ,

I visited a place in CA mini-mall that says "Oriental Massage" on the sign, has a neon "Open" sign, and is open 10am - 10pm everyday. They seem very descreet and no names are exchanged. I paid my fee up front at the counter and then went back to the room with massuesse. I've seen the same girl twice and she is really sweet and nice but no "happy ending". I've tried to guide her hands but she says she can't do that. Am I missing something? I don't want to get her in trouble if it isn't that kind of place but it sure seems to fit all the characteristics you say to look for. Any thoughts? BTW, I love reading your posts. You're awesome!!! :)

--SWB

rjdpepsi said...

I am a 28 year old male. I have been wondering if you think that women would be willing to get a "happy ending" massage just like the guys. I have been been getting happy ending massages for about five years now, and I have been thinking about trying to make some extra money as a "sensual masseur" catering to upscale women. I would assume that there would be a market for it. I think I just would like to hear an encouraging voice.

Anonymous said...

I would like to visit one of these massage parlors,I would like to experience the happy ending and whatever else is being offered, but i'm scared. I am a 68 year old male. are these girls going to freak out if their client is old enough to be their grandfather? on the other hand am I going to be able to handle someone old enough to be my grand daughter giving me this kind of service ? Does this make me a dirty old man ? Have you ever delt with this situation before?

cj said...

Anon,
Do you really think you're the first 68 year old guy to come in here? I guess you could describe almost half our clientele as "senior." You'd be perfectly welcome, believe me.

True fact - for some reason, the old guys seem to have the biggest cocks. Not sure why that is. Are they supposed to be bigger with age?

CJ

Anonymous said...

As a mp regular ,all I can say is your post will certainly make a firt time experience more enjoyable( for all parties involved).
I wonder if things are differnt here in Canada, we are always given 3 options from the outset; topless , nude and nude reverse (where you are able to massage the attendant). It goes without saying that being able to massage an attendant has always reaped tremendous benefits ( especially if you are able to make her cum first). Tell me CJ why no mention of the "reverse massage?

Anonymous said...

CJ

I had recent massage in the States and the masseuse gave me the option to completely undress, gave me a great 1.5 hour massage in my hotel room, massaging everything except my abdominals and...well, my release area. She seemed to linger on my ass, hips, and upper thigh. At the end she asked if I had any questions: should I have asked for a "hand-release?"

Pleasure to meet you,
AN

cj said...

I've heard this story before from other guys who've had the outcall masseuse experience.

The outcalls have their own code words and lingo. Sounds like she was leaving the option open for a happy ending and was waiting to see if you would initiate.

Sorry guy, but you didn't luck out!

CJ

Anonymous said...

hey cj ur post was great i was wondering cuz i didn't quite get what u said at one point... when the messieur leaves and tells you to get ready. should i be getting completely undressed or just down to my boxers? this place i went to was a small place in a business center and i looked online and they all said that they offer erotic massages. when u enter the room she tells you to get ready and then leaves the room. there is also a robe on the wall. my question is that when she leaves should i completely get naked and get into the robe and lay on the table or just lay on the table with only my boxers on or what exactly should i do?
im just not sre what to do :(
the next time i go will be my 2nd time going and my first time i did not get the erotic part of the massage

cj said...

Anon,

To be sure, you better ditch the shorts. I've heard of some places that use the "get comfortable" line as a sort of password. If you keep them on, some may interpret that as a therapeutic massage only. Good luck!

CJ

Anonymous said...

Great post, however I threw out the guy I was living with for going to AMP's secretly. He was doing it for the last 20 yeears, way before I met him. And he lied about everything.But mainly to himself. I made copies of his Credir card statements, there was no denying the truth.

Beware of the guys that go to church every Sunday like my ex. Too many men are hypocrites, and they only fool themselves. My ex was unpleasant and difficult and I would have dumped him before I foud out he was a true sex addict. Computer porn, sex phone lines and AMP parlors.

He is an educated, dysfunctional idiot. it was his idea to move in. The worst 3 years of my life, glad he's gone. And when he's 70 years old visiting you , he will die alone like a dog. I'm not the only woman that got wise to him. A liar is a fool, mostly to himself.


Thank god I was not madly in live with this fool.

LOL to all, and the hooker working in massage parlors!

Anonymous said...

CJ love da post! So wht do u think bout this ad when it says asian sweetheart erotic rub down in uptown! call now 4 specals and late appointments! and i called and ask wht time open to, they said 2am. so is this a legit one or just a front? I was thinking going there, i never been a massage place ever. so is it better to ask when in room with massueses before she starts da message or halfway or at end? if she offers happy ending or extra's? like full serivce? and is it better to get complety naked and lay on yur stomach? like if they offer a towel in room or robe, so not just boxer shorts then i am assuming. thank u! hehe

Richard said...

Hi CJ. I am new to the whole "erotic massage" scene, and just had my my first experience. It was lackluster, to put it mildly. It was an asian place (didn't know about the boycott until after the fact). Anyway, it was pretty empty space in a srip mall. Nothing inside except for 5 rooms and a few girls.
The minute I walked in they greeted me and this very attractive woman says to follow her and leads me into a room. She the tells me to "get comfortable" so I stripped down to my b-day suit. She returned while I was still taking my clothes off and watched me finish. She then complimeted me on my body...which was nice.

So the massage starts and I could tell right off the bat, that this wasn't going to be a "theraputic" massage at all and she was just going through the motions. She dropped several hints and I picked yup on them, no problem. So we agree on sex and she takes her clothes off. Then proceeds to apply a condom with her mouth and give me a bj. This is where the visit went south for me. She used her hand, mouth and I even penetrated her briefly, but for some reason I could not get it up. Now I am embarrassed that this happened, but figured if anyone would understand it would be you. Have you experienced this with any of your patrons? How did you handle/resolve it? Any advice?

I figured that it was the environment that caused me to not be able to relax and get comfortable. I'm sure somewhere in the back of my mind, I was paranoid the cops were going shwo up.

I felt bad for the girl, because she gave me free options =) and I still couldn't produce the wood. She even offered to give me a partial refund, but I let her keep it. Afterall, it wasn't her fault.

I appreciate any insight/ advise you can offer.

Sincerely,
Gotwood4u, but just not today.

Anonymous said...

I have a question. I have seen some asian massage parlors that say that offer 4 hand massage, which would be with two masseuse at a time. What is to be expected from this, do the girls just do a therapeutic massage or are they still willing to go for something more?

Anonymous said...

You are so awesome and doing a great service for all society. What might be common sense to some, isn’t to others. spelling it out is always a good idea.

Here’s my question if you have a chance to reply.

I found a great, friendly, clean, professional place here in NYC. it doesn’t come up in any of the searches as being pro happy ending. The first time I went, I was honest and said I had never been. got a great table shower and massage for $80 and left a $20 tip. The next time I went, new girl, and she was even more skilled than the first. great massage, asked me what I did for work, and at the end, asked if I wanted some “down there.” I said, sure. $80 and I gave her $40. Next time I sent, same girl, but didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. no happy ending. still a great massage. I have been back 3 times since and no happy ending. What happened? $40 was an OK tip… no? I am absolutely respectful, courteous, unassuming, clean, and probably better than average looking.

-Alexander

MC said...

Great Blog CJ! Love the info! Here is a question I have...I get massages maybe 3 or 4 times per year...there are 2 Asian Massage parlors close to me...when I go, I get the Table Shower and then in the room I just put $100 on the table and I get full service every time, do not even need to ask...I LOVE American girls, and there is one place in particular I like to go that has one of the hottest girls I have ever met...when we get in the room she writes on an eraseable board the options, and $150 is a "mutual"...I guess I need to ask more questions because I want to assume this mutual means I am getting laid, but it wound up her getting naked and climbing all over me, but no penetration...what is your definition of "mutual" massage?

MC

Mr. Parlor said...

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Anonymous said...

also check out eroticmassage blog and cuntlet.com

JMC said...

CJ

First off I want to say thank you for the advice. Being a newbie everything was really helpful and made me not look like an idiot. I do have a few questions though. I got a happy ending but before I asked if there were any other options, you know a nude massage, as I was not asked. She said she didn't have any but continued with the happy ending. I hinted at more than just an HJ, but she said they are not allowed to do that, she did However strip down and let me eat her out. She said that I could not finger her though. I just wanted to know if this was odd or did I just not ask/answer the questions correctly.

uncovered junk said...

Hey CJ,

Hope you can answer this question for me. I recently went to an asian massage spa and during the masaage the woman left my junk partially uncovered and when she had me roll over she was looking at my cock, by lifting the sheet. She also left my balls uncovered when she massaged my legs. During the time when she massaged my stomach I begain to get a hard on and the head of my dick stuck out from under the sheet. She brushed by it twice and the covered it up.
I was never asked about extras and I was not given a handy J, but this was the best erotic massage I have ever had... hell its the only one I have had.
My question is... does this place sound like a place I can get a handy J and why wasn't it offered to me. I am going back this coming week and also going to get a table shower which they have there as well. Any help or guidance!!!

Anonymous said...

Question: Are most of the older guys uncurcumsized? In the current modern day era Many Catholics and protestants get their sons circumsized which takes away about one third of their penis girth. I'm around 8 inches...which is a pretty good size but I can imagine how thick and big it would look if it were uncircumsized! :/

Anonymous said...

hey girl! love reading your blog!
i'm in the west side of the country and i love how many similiar stories of yours make me laugh so hard! i love that!
i only do topless for the time being but the more regulars come back the more they want. so i wanna offer hj's- they deserve special treatment. i just wanna know how you keep the biz- (is what i call it) and your personal life on two different thinking levels... suggestions? i have a bf as well..

:) -mia from westcoast!

Anonymous said...

Hey i am planning on going to a new massage parlor and I was wondering if when she asks me to get comfortable if i should be face down or face up on the table at first

Anonymous said...

Are there a parlors that give women a happy ending??

Anonymous said...

Great info...now I will definitely try out these places, I always wanted to see what its like. I just hope I get serviced by a chick who's not fat.

Tamara Katie said...

This is absolutely nice post. .I need to try something urgently.

kittykat said...

CJ please help me. My husband of 23 years has been going to mp to get happy endings for a couple of months since i had a serious back injury and couldn't do much of anything. He has had bad experiences he says and now i'm back in shape (i'm a lot younger than him, he's 73 but amazing in every way) and i've been all over him sexually. I'd like to do a masseuse happy ending night for fun but i don't know where to sit, stand, kneel, whatever while doing the happy ending. How does that work? Where is the masseuse at that time? What are my options there and how can he touch me and where during that? I think this could be fun. thanks

Anonymous said...

Additional help for men... http://parlorguide.com/

Anonymous said...

CJ,
Great blog! Do you still practice in the Reading area? If so I would love to make an appointment. Thanks

C.R.

Atia@VOLUPTAS Massage London said...

Great blog and advice ,we are in the same industry and there should be more educative information like this for the clients and the girls.

skn2skn said...

CJ,
I've been to a few MP and only received on happy ending. I guess I'm too respectful to ask. I'm afraid that a legit place will boot me out. Is this true or not? I just expect to get a hand job without asking. Should I ask for one? Thanks for your response.

Anonymous said...

do women ever come in for "happy endings" from another women who is a masseuse?

Anonymous said...

This is probably a dumb question, but are the "HE Hand Releases" generally WITH or WITHOUT a condom on?? Seems like a large difference in overall pleasure to me, lol.

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Hey CJ-Thanks for your blog-very educational. So, I guess you don't have to be Asian to work at one of these spas? I am thinking about applying for a job and was really wondering about that...?
Thanks, Crystal ;)