Friday, November 21, 2008
Massage Parlor Etiquette
OK - now that we're approaching the Mother of All Massage Weeks - Thanksgiving - I thought I'd give you guys a quick lesson in massage parlor etiquette. Why Thanksgiving week you ask? Well, think about it...
1) Millions of tired, cranky guys on the road in desperate need of stress relief
2) All heading to places they're in no hurry to get to
3) Wallets are full and have not been emptied yet by the Xmas season
4) It's the last opportunity to do something for yourself for the next 5 weeks
So I expect all you guys out there to hit your local (or not so local) massage parlors next week. Pay attention because there will be a quiz. Now I'm not going to get into HOW to find a massage parlor, since I went over that in an older post. I will also take this moment to remind you guys out there to boycot the Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) since they are usually tied to organized crime. So if you're gonna get your dick rubbed, do it for America!
We'll assume that you've found a place and you're ready to give it a try. These rules should apply to parlors whether full-service or not. So take notes and pay attention:
1) Be prepared
As long as you're prepared to have an erotic massage, things should go smoothly. First, be clean. A little personal hygiene goes a long way. Not every place has showers, so try to wash up before you head on over. I can't tell you how many times I've had to deal with nasty B.O. And let me tell ya - nothing turns off a masseuse more than a stinky customer. A little cologne helps too. Remember - you want us to ENJOY being around you for an hour. Come in with a little CK and I may be convinced to spend some extra time with you. Wear some Burberry and I may end up going home with you! But douse yourself with Drakkar and your ass may end up on the street.
The other key to being prepared is to BRING CASH. Some parlors will take credit cards, but ALL would prefer not to. Besides, when it comes time to negotiate what options you want in the room, you need cash! Nothing kills the mood faster than having to stop a session, just to go run a credit card. Besides, you probably want a paper trail less than we do.
For newbies, I would suggest having $200 in cash on you. Don't get scared - you can probably get a decent massage with a nice happy ending for around $100. But the last thing you want is to not have enough cash to negotiate with. Meanwhile, full service places may end up costing you more than $200. Believe me - there is no "maximum" to the amount you can spend in session. Now if you're looking for something more kinky or downright weird, then you DEFINITELY need to have some cash on you. I know what I charge for options and extras, but i can't speak for other places. So PLEASE don't ask me to guess how much a topless session with foot worship and ball-busting ending with a breast release would cost.
2) Know The Lingo
I've posted other stuff on the secret language of the massage parlor, but I'll quickly go over it here just so you don't do or say anything stupid.
When you walk in, don't say anything dumb like "Can I get laid?" As a general rule we do not discuss ANYTHING that goes on within the rooms on the phone or at the desk. This is for obvious reasons. Leave your dirty little laundry list of perversions for once you're inside the room. At the desk you'll first be asked if you've ever been there before. You can say, "Yes, but it's been a while..." or "No, but I've had non-therapeutic massages before." This lets them know that you're cool and they won't automatically stick you with a therapeutic massage with no happy ending.
Feel free to ask who'll be giving you the massage. Some places will trot out all the girls for you to chose from (We call this the "Beauty Pageant" and we HATE it). At most places you'll get whoever is working the desk. If you don't fancy her, feel free to ask if there's anyone else available, but don't be an asshole about it. One polite way that doesn't offend me is to ask if there's any "brunette's" available (I'm blonde). It doesn't hurt my feelings and gets me to describe the other girls.
All that's discussed at the front desk is just the amount of time you want in session. For starters, I'd say 45 minutes. 30 is too short to enjoy yourself, and the price for options remains the same. If you end up having a good time and want to increase it, you can always do that for a nominal price.
Once you're in the room, Wait for the masseuse to give you instructions before asking about what all the options are. If she asks you to "get comfortable" then leaves, that's your cue to disrobe and get under the towel. This part is important! I know some places that if you don't get naked, they take that as a sign that you're a newbie and want a therapeutic massage only. The masseuse will then offer you her particular options; typically topless, nude or G-string. When options are offered, the understanding is that you're gonna get your happy ending. You don't have to ask! At my business the happy ending is a hand release, but in full service places you'll also be offered the option of a blowjob or fucking. Either way, your session will still consist of a relaxing massage followed by the happy ending you paid for.
And finally, if you want what we call "extras" then ask up front. Extras are anything above and beyond the happy ending such as breast release, toe sucking, lingerie, facials, etc. Ask politely while you're still negotiating the options for two reasons. First, some girls may not mind the extra you want and won't charge for it. I knew one girl who didn't charge extra for breast releases because she figured anything that gets the guy off quicker, the better for her.
Second, if you wait till the end of your session to ask for an extra, you'll probably get charged more than if you had negotiated it up front. I can't begin to tell you how much $$$ I've made off of guys who wait till the MIDDLE of the hand release (when all the blood has rushed away from their brains) to ask for something extra. I call that a "Cha-Ching!" moment - as in "Hey Trina, the drinks are on me. I had a Cha-Ching moment during my 3 o'clock."
3) Attitude, Attitude, Attitude
The key to enjoying yourself, relaxing and having a good time in a massage parlor is attitude. I can't emphasize that enough. If you come in with the right attitude, then you'll definitely have a good time.
Think of it this way... Picture your masseuse as a really cute waitress. It's her job to get you what you ordered, you're going to be in close contact with her for an hour, and she works for tips. So what should you do if you want to really enjoy your time? You treat her with respect, you joke around, and even flirt. Remember - she's the one who's stuck at work, but would really like to enjoy that hour just as much as you do. So if you're friendly and make the time enjoyable for both of you, then she'll return the favor. But instead of free drinks, you might get some extra time or even an extra option for free!
I remember this one customer - a traveling salesman of some kind. Well, let me tell ya - this guy was a total pisser. He was cracking jokes and making me laugh from the minute he walked through the door. He was in no way a good looking guy, but I ended up enjoying his company so much that I actually went way outta my way for him, just so he'd stay longer. I even ended up doing a little strip tease for him - something that I NEVER do for Regulars because I'm too self conscious - just because we both thought it would be funny.
So remember guys - a little bit of the right attitude goes a looooong way.
This one is particularly important for the newbies. Keep your expectations reasonable - especially if it's your first erotic massage. Remember - not all of you will be lucky enough to find me next week. Attitude also plays in this one. Expect to have a good time, but don't walk in to a place you've never seen before and expect a harem of Pamela Anderson clones willing to blow you. All you should expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage by a semi-clad masseuse, followed by a hand release.
Let me back up here... Technically, all you're supposed to expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage. That's it. In fact, some parlors will ONLY give you a therapeutic massage if you're a new customer. So there is a chance that you may get disappointed if it's your first time.
Chances are you won't know if the parlor you're in is full service or not until AFTER you get there.
Some full service places will just tell you up front, others wait until after you're in the room. Once again - DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING. Your masseuse may not tell you what her options are until after the massage part is over - especially if you're new and she's trying to figure out if you're cool or not. In my Business, I offer my clothing options up front (topless, nude, or G-string). I don't even mention the hand release, since I assume that it's understood. If you want an extra such as a breast release, go ahead and ask! Believe me, there is probably nothing new these girls haven't heard before.
Now if you don't know if the parlor you're in offers full service, by all means don't be afraid to ask! Just say up front "Are you full service?" It won't offend us. In fact, it helps if you get it on the table right away just so your expectations are addressed sooner rather than later. And if it's not full service - relax... you're still gonna get your happy ending!
One last thought on expectations... If you feel uptight about paying some anonymous woman to jerk you off - don't. Believe me, it's a job just like any other. I have a schedule, I get a paycheck, I pay taxes, I hate my boss, and I joke around with my coworkers just like everyone else. Do you look down on the woman who cuts your hair? Do you feel sorry for the guy who empties your garbage can? No - because they're just doing their jobs. It's the same thing with an erotic masseuse. I'm paid to do a very specialized task that not everyone can do.
So just lay back, relax and trust me. I'm a professional and I'm very good at my job.
Now go on out there guys and good luck! Let me know how your Thanksgiving vacations go. And I'll bet that your family will be wondering over their turkey dinner why you're in such a good mood this year.