Thursday, August 7, 2008

Confessions of an Erotic Legal Assistant

One of you guys commented the other day about why we're not harrased by the authorities more often. This got me thinking (which is something I'm just sooooo not good at), so let me explain what I know. We're what’s known as a “nuisance” business. Basically, we’re in the same class as adult bookstores and tattoo parlors. From what I can figure, we’re called a “nuisance” because nobody really wants us around. But guess what? We pay our taxes and our rent in what would otherwise be abandoned office space. And THAT is precisely why the town doesn’t hassle us.

Sure – the locals would probably love to see a Starbucks here, or perhaps a boutique specializing in ceramic cats dressed as celebrities. But the fact of the matter is that places like us take up the retail space that no one else wants. Starbucks isn’t exactly itching for that spot at the end of the corridor behind the bail bondsman.

Please notice that we are NOT in the same category as strip clubs. Believe it or not, a “nuisance” business is actually a step up from a strip club. I’ve learned that towns HATE strip clubs. I don’t know about other states, but here in PA, strip clubs aren’t allowed to sell alcohol, but you’re allowed to BYOB. This means that the town has to deal with all the problems associated with a sleazy bar, but with none of the tax revenues.

How do I know all this stuff? A couple years ago, the state of PA wanted to crack down on massage parlors. This is when I learned all this legal stuff about the Business. I did my homework by reading through all the statutes on “Massage Practices.” I discovered that the state was going to go after us by targeting unlicensed masseuses. Our Business was safe since we had 3 licenses between us. The idea was that a town could audit your Business, and if there were no LMT’s (Licensed Massage Therapists) on staff, then out you go.

Full service places try to have 1 or 2 LMTs on staff, just to keep the locals off their backs. But once a place becomes more brothel than massage parlor, they have more things to worry about than a town clerk counting LMT diplomas.

We don’t worry about the town hassling us since we’re not a full-service operation. If a customer comes in and asks for sex – we refer him to the Other Place across town. I know that Audrey is doing some full-service stuff, but it’s with her Regulars.

What worries me now is that Trina has begun offering “extras” to some of her Regulars since she’s been desperate for cash lately. At least I HOPE they’re Regulars! All it takes is 1 badly phrased attempt to offer something a little “extra” to some new customer we can’t trust, and we’ll have guys in suits knocking on our door!

But let me tell ya - if business doesn't pick up here pretty soon, I'll be offering "extras" to pay my cable bill. Hmmmmmmm... Let a customer finger me, or lose my "Entourage?" Don't make me choose!



Anonymous said...

I hate to hear that business is so slow. If you weren't so far away, I'd come visit you, just to help out. (That's just the giving type of person that I am.)


Anonymous said...

I have a friend who trained as LMT did it for a while then got a regular job in marketing. She told me that she quit it and is now doing "massage outcalls" What's the reality - is it virtually impossible to do straight massage in that situation or is pretty much a certainty that she's doing at least hand releases?

Anonymous said...

anonymous - my female friend hires a masseuse to come to her house every month or so, so it can't be a complete impossibility.

DnWormer said...

I'd imagine in a crappy economy your services would either be much more in need or out of peoples budgets.

cj said...

Hey guys!

I dedicated a new post just to your comments.

Anyway, in answer to ManWhore's question - our business is an excellent indicator of the economy. When times are good, we have more customers, better tips, and shorter session times. When times are bad, we have few customers, lousy tips and longer session times.

And let me tell ya - business was TOTALLY affected by the high gas prices. I had 1 customer from New Jersey who said by the time he filled his gas tank for the ride to see me, he realized he barely had any money left for a session and tip!


Buddy and Snowball said...


Anonymous said...

"I know that Audrey is doing some full-service stuff, but it’s with her Regulars."
A picky whorehouse!

Seriously, that business about licensing is harrassment, that's all. Municipalities and counties do this to drive undesirable businesses away, not to protect the public (when was the last time a whore crippled someone with a bad massage?).

Licensing massage is a way to generate revenue AND to give LE an investigative tool. Now they have an excuse to audit and cite, and make better cases of prostitution, OR simply close places that they can't make a solid case against, if there are licensing violations.

If you guys are all LMTs at The Business, that'll ward off some trouble. But if LE comes after you because of all the illegal stuff going on (with "Regulars" or not doesn't make ANY difference), the licensing will be NO protection whatsoever.

I know of one parlor that was investigated and closed down. It was a full service house, and although LE looked the other way for over 10 years, and could NOT find better evidence than some customers' statements (hearsay) after sending undercover after undercover, they still told the owners to hit the road. Well guess what: ALL the girls were proper LMTs. That's no kryptonite.

I think that after a decade of jerking off guys without an arrest, you have acquired a false sense of security or legitimacy.

Ever heard of the term "jailhouse lawyer"?

MelissaBalde said...

Have you ever thought of going independent...setting up an incall in your home? It seems that it would be really hard to get busted for that.

Anonymous said...

Discovered your blog while researching legal realities of certain outcall work and want to say I'm loving it! You're so informative, and this is so helpful- thank you! My sole concern is if you can tell me if therapeutic massage outcall has any kind of strength to it? My DD's BF is legally blind, and gives AWESOME massage! He has terrific upper body strenght and the hands of a pianist. I've suggested physical therapist or physical therapy assistant, but he's reluctant. Then he learned what a massage therapist could make (They're moving to Boston after high school- yeah, it's unusual; she'll be at Harvard, he woulda been a Marine but for his eyes). Neither of them would be interested in him becoming a ManHo, but if he can pull in some proper bucks in MT, then he might find PT really is up his alley. I'd appreciate your feedback. You can reach me, if you wish, via a10940 at gmail dot com. Thanks for posting such an honest and intelligent blog!