Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Stupid Newbie Mistakes - or What NOT To Do In A Massage Parlor

This weekend I had to throw out 2 newbies because they were being such dipshits. I mean, I could use the business just like the next girl, but there are just some breaches of etiquette (and levels of stupidity) that cannot be forgiven. This is what I'm talking about...

When it comes to getting your happy ending, there are certain behaviors that will kill the deal. Look - this is a shady business to begin with so there are certain things we must do to protect both you and me. But if you newbies out there follow my advice, then you'll be merrily on your way to enjoying your first erotic massage.

On The Phone
When on the phone, the First Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Period. Under no circumstances should you ask about options, extras, or whatever little perversions float your boat.

If you call up, the only things I will discuss on the phone are: door fee, hours we're open, and which girls are working that day. If you ask me "what kind" of massage we provide, my pat answer is "relaxing." And if a caller asks ANYTHING regarding extras, I automatically respond with "we don't do that here" and I hang up. I don't know how many times I end up hanging up on a newbie each week because they pull that stupid shit on the phone.

At The Desk
When standing at the front desk, the Second Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Our lobby isn't exactly a private space, so as a rule we do not discuss anything regarding extras or options.

This is where I had to throw out a newbie on Saturday. This guy came in and kept trying to get me to talk about what goes on in the room. "My buddy told me I could get a happy ending massage here..."

Listen - that kind of talk will get your ass thrown out of any massage parlor. We will only talk about extras and options inside the room. I don't even like Regulars talking about it at the front desk. It's really in poor taste to discuss your little perversions up front where the phones are and people walking around.

Look, I know that some of you newbies are nervous and want to know up front everything that's going to happen before any money is exchanged, but that's just the way it has to be to protect ourselves. This guy on Saturday was doing his best to get me to admit he could get a handjob, so I finally just told him we're not that kind of place and to take his business elsewhere.

In The Room
The Third Rule of erotic massage is everyone cums (I hope I don't have to pay any royalties to "Fight Club").

One of the most common questions I get from newbies is "How do I ask for a happy ending?" I've gone over this before, but I'll talk about it again for the education of some of the new readers out there. The answer is NEVER. If you're in a genuine massage parlor, then your masseuse will offer you "options" for your massage. This means you're gonna get your happy ending without having to ask for it (did you really think she's taking her top off for therapeutic reasons?).

Now if you're in a therapeutic massage business, the same rule still applies - NEVER ask for a happy ending! Some masseuses may take offense and consider that a little legal term we like to call "solicitation." So technically, you the customer should never have to ask - it is supposed to be offered. That way, there is no confusion as to what is about to happen. And this exchange should ONLY take place inside the room. Heck - I've heard of some parlors where extra's aren't even offered until AFTER the massage is over!

Another rule inside the room is NEVER assume anything is going to take place until you've discussed AND agreed upon it with your masseuse. This brings me to the 2nd asshole I threw out this weekend. This newbie seemed normal on the phone and at the desk... but as soon as that door was closed, he was all over me. I had to shove him off and asked what he thought he was doing. His response was basically "hey - I'm paying for this." So my response was basically "No you're not - so get the fuck out."

NOW REMEMBER - always let the masseuse make the first move. I know a lot of my stories start with something like "a guy came in asking for a blah-and-blah." Well those are Regulars who I already know and trust, so we usually skip the formalities.

So if you're looking for your first massage parlor - relax, sometimes it takes a visit or 2 before you're offered options. If nothing has happened by the 2nd visit, you're probably in a therapeutic spa and it's time to move on. Now I know there are a lot of guys out there that have gotten handjobs from masseuses who did not offer options, but that's a whole other topic that I'll talk about later.

And if nothing else works, just tell your massuese "I know CJ." Good luck newbies!



Deech said...

I like it when you discuss the darker side of your profession. Maybe some fodder for a future post, but have you ever come across a psycho where you feared for your life?

Good post today!

Anonymous said...

CJ have you ever had any creepy psycho customers who would wait for you outside until you were off work and try to follow you home or anything?

Anonymous said...

I know this was a bit of a venting post, but when you write "... to discuss your little perversions up front ..." it doesn't suggest you have a lot of respect for your clients. "Perversions"?

Or am I misinterpreting you?

Anonymous said...

really informative.

Anonymous said...

So, how about that raid in Ontelaunee Township, huh?

Anonymous said...

CJ, I was recently at a massage establishment and ended up getting an erection during the massage.

Because the sheet was pretty thin and she was massaging my quads and groin, I'm sure it was noticeable.

The therapist asked around that time, "Are you hungry?" I said, "Yes" half hoping the question was code. She then said where are you going to eat and the conversation went on to restaurants other than once more she said, I'm sorry I made you hungry.

This was a legit place, but I wonder whether you think this conversation was about food or something else. What do you think?


Tom said...

5th anonymous (just above me) -- the likelihood is that she was trying to get your mind off of your arousal. Since it was a legit place, I'd presume the no subtext to the conversation.

Shannon Rae said...

do you hide a taser in your room?

youngmalemasseur said...

Hey CJ!

Wanted to say that I love your blog.

Found it recently while trying to find information and it's a really good insight.


Anonymous said...

To the anon who got an erection during the massage. When she asked you, "Are you hungry?" Your reply should've been, "Yes, I could sure use a pizza right now." That response is code for HJ.

You must use the word pizza in your response.

pizza = HJ

cj said...

Psychos? I've had more than a few. Remember my story of my very first massage? Ever since then I've developed a sort of "spidey" sense regarding psychos. At the very first twinge, I bail. It may have lost me a few customers, but I'm probably the better for it.

Stalkers? Oh yeah... They're much harder to detect than psychos because they can seem so normal and innocent at first. Then a day or 2 later you get that "unknown caller" on the phone, or that exact same red Ford pickup in the parking lot at closing time. I could tell more than a few stories about them, but have purposely decided not to because it's just not fun for me to dwell on it.

2nd Anon,
When I made my little comment about "perverions" I didn't mean the usual guy asking for a "topless" out loud at the front desk. That's OK to do in front of the other girls because we ALL get topless.

What I'm talking about are the guys
who ask about sniffing your panties while 2 co-workers are standing nearby and you're on the phone with an old lady scheduling a therapeutic.

What goes on in the rooms is no one else's business. If Cindy's customer wants a blowjob - I don't want to hear about it. And you don't want anyone on the other end of the phone hearing what's being said at the front desk (I really don't think the guy trying to schedule the linen delivery needs to know about my 12:30 breast release).

Next Anon,
The raid was a big topic of conversation here. I'll probably talk about it in my next post.

Anon & Tom,
Ya know - it sounds like she was getting at something, but I've never heard the term "hungry" as a code word before. It's possible since the exchange sounds like she was fishing for something. It could be a code word local for that area or setting. I may have to do some research on this one!

What I have heard of for a codeword is "do you want a massage with or without a towel?" In this case, no towel was the code for HJ.

I pack. You have to when you're often alone at night with big guys.

Last Anon,

You should talk to Anon and Tom!!!


Al Sensu said...

Watch out for this AMP.

Just Visiting said...

cj said... If Cindy's customer wants a blowjob - I don't want to hear about it...

Out of curiousity, how often is that? You've remarked before about her 'looser' approach toward business.

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ - love your blog. So funny and insightful.

I've been to many RMT massages and for the first went to deep tissue/Shiatsu today. I didn't do my research re: etiquette but I am very normal and respectful, and didn't let on anything.

Anyhow I wasn't even sure what kind of "massage" I would get so I didn't want to assume anything and didn't ask - just wanted to relax. Needless to say around 10 minutes into the massage, I'm not sure what happened, basically she was rubbing my back in the most unusual way- up and down and rubbing some nerves I didn't know I had in my lower back. I started feeling funny, like getting nervous a bit, then I felt like I kind of had to pee, and right then I just had an emission, face down on the table, into my underpants.

I don't know if she knew what happened - she was experienced so i assume she must have known - but anyhow the massage went on, she later asked for comfort if I would prefer my underpants off. I said okay and she took them off, and fanned them out, presumably to see if there were any indications of fluid. She must have seen her work was successful, and finished the massage for 30 more minutes just regular massaging.

Anyhow there you have it - first hand experience from a newbie who didn't screw up. Oh I didn't have enough cash on me, that wasn't good, so I used bank card. Oh well.

The experience was okay but I would prefer someone younger and more attractive. I don't want to offend her... and I think they are both brunettes. any advice?

cj said...

Sounds like you were definitely in a legit therapeutic place. So you're pretty stuck for options. The best you can do is find out who else works there and make an appointment with someone more attractive as you put it. BUT there is still no chance of you getting a happy ending. Good luck!


Anonymous said...

There's always a chance, I say. The thing is, I think it's a rookie mistake to get fixated on one parlor or one masseuse. No need to waste time, energy, and money. Look around, for crying out loud: parlors are everywhere. Sample! You'll get luckier than by trying to get chummy with a masseuse in the hope that it'll pay off eventually. It can, but spare yourself the effort and frustration - that's what DATING is for!
If she gives in, she'll have done you a favor (and who wants that?), and if she doesn't, you'll have offended a good woman and been embarrassed for nothing. Been there...

Anonymous said...

I wish I could remember the comedian DH told me about a couple years ago--he was talking on one of the late night shows about how he gets a kick out of propositioning MTs. Said you'd be surprised how many female therapists will do a happy ending if the price is right rather than sticking to their guns and abruptly ending the session.

Not I, said the cat. But that's the way my own practice rolls.

Another Female MT

Anonymous said...

Why is it necessary for you to rudely hang up on people? Why not simply say "we don't do that here" and *NOT* hang up on the customer?
(Especially, since you *DO* do that here.)

The "hang up" benefits no one.

Natalie said...

I know you said never to ask if the massuse doesn't bring it up, but I also remember reading that your "female clients" don't know you do things other than regular massages since you don't mention any of the options to them. I'm a bisexual woman, how do I let them know that I'm there for the same reason their male clients are? I don't want to offend anyone; but I don't want to go to place after place after place hoping that someone will offer their options regardless of gender :(

Anonymous said...

Im with Natalie on the female approach, as well as...couples massage with happy ending?

Anonymous said...

Learn how to safe time and money getting your massage and Happy Ending @

westy_g said...

Hey cj I have a question and I mean no disrespect in any way but I'm curious. You've been a erotic masseuse for awhile now so tell me or us. What ethnicity has had the "biggest man piece down below" in your experience?

Buddha said...

Hmm. So the rule is... don't ask. Gotcha.