I got some e-mails recently asking if any of this stuff I write about is true. Well the problem is that I'm not very imaginative, so it's hard for me to make anything up. Believe me - I've tried. And when I do it usually ends up sounding like really bad porn. I've discovered that it's soooooo much easier just to talk about what really happens around here.
Sure, I may exaggerate every now and then if it makes a story funnier, but for the most part everything I've written about here really happened. For example, did anyone notice how I didn't do a Freak of the Week for a long while there? That's because for all those weeks my customers were the usual, boring, topless-with-a-hand-release Regulars. If I get desperate again for another FOTW, I'd sooner just talk about someone from the good old days instead of trying to make something up.
Another example is the Sugar Daddies. I could only WISH that I had a dozen stories to share with you today, but times are tough and the SD's are all at home with their wives and kids. Right now I'm kicking myself for not starting my "confessions" 3 years ago when the economy was good and The Business was booming. Guys want the freakiest things when they have money to burn. But nowadays, they settle for your basic, mundane massage plus happy ending. Sucks for you since that doesn't give me anything to talk about!
And finally, if I were to make stuff up, wouldn't every post here look like something straight out of Penthouse Forum? I'd be blowing guys left and right, the money would be flowing, and I'd be saying all sorts of bullshit lies like "... normally I would never have done this, but I was just so horny!..." Instead, I'm bitching about cheap ass customers, an evil boss, and how I can't seem to find the right guy. Boring - yes, but that's reality for ya.
If I were to start making shit up, I think I'd like to start with my very own happy ending. Maybe a rich European prince who models swimwear in his spare time, when he's not doing charity work with AIDS babies, would sweep me off my feet (and better yet - my left hand) and take me away to his 100 room castle on the beach filled with maids and butlers and chefs and a personal bowling alley (this is my fantasy - not yours) where my very own baby unicorn lives.
So if you want some made up stuff, I'm sorry but I can't help you. As you can see, whenever I make stuff up it ends with a guy wearing Speedos in a bowling alley. If you don't mind, I'll just stick with what I know, even if that means fat guys dancing in ladies underwear.
CJ
Friday, February 27, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Freak of the Week - The Stripper
We got a new Regular that I'll call Chuck. Well Chuck is a heavy set guy who works locally with a DOT crew. Funny man - he has no problem parking his DOT truck in our parking lot whenever he comes in. We have guys who park 2 blocks over and across the street because they're so worried about being seen, but that's another story...
He's tried everyone here at one time or another, but he's finally settled on me as his favorite. Apparently Audrey treated him mean so he'll never see her again (she actually made fat jokes in front of him - Gawd she's stupid sometimes). Trina gave a good massage, but he said she's too quiet when compared to me (shit - a Mack Truck is quiet compared to me). And Cindy - she just freaked him out. First of all, he was turned off by all of her tattoos. And second, the last time he had her, he tried sucking on her breasts and got a nasty little surprise - Milk shot out!!!! Well that kinda shit's gonna happen when you're 6 month pregnant.
First time I had Chuck, he was just a normal customer. Yesterday was only the second time I had ever seen him. I got him in the room and sat with him on the table. When I asked him what options he wanted, he surprised me with a request. "Can I do something for you today?"
He seemed harmless enough so I said "Whatcha got in mind?"
"I want to strip for you."
I misunderstood him at first. "You want me to do a striptease for you? I can but I'm really bad at it..."
He shook his head, "No no no. I'm going to strip for you!" I think he saw the weird look on my face because he asked, "Do you mind? Would you be disgusted if I did that...?" he kinda trailed off.
"Oh hell no. I'd love it!" No one has ever stripped for me before, so I was all for it.
He nodded like a happy kid and asked again just to be sure it was OK. I said it was, so he paid up front for a topless. He got off the table while I began to take my clothes off. I hopped on the table and lied on my side while he fiddled with the radio looking for dance music.
"It's not gonna be a lapdance. I mean, I don't want to crush you or anything." I laughed at this. "I just wanna strip baby!" And with that he started to gyrate.
"Woo Hoo Baby! Yeah!" I was loving it. This was a new one for me.
Let me tell ya - for a heavy guy he had some moves. He started doing these Chippendale moves while fully clothed. It totally reminded me of an old Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Farley. Then the jacket came off and he threw it across the room. I almost fell of the table laughing. Next came the hat, then the shoes, the hoodie, socks, and finally his belt.
So I'm sitting there clapping and cheering him on when he moves closer and starts to slowly pull up his shirt in a sexy kind of way. As the shirt inched up over his chest that's when I noticed - he was wearing pasties! The kind with the little tassles on them!!!
I coulda died. At first I was shocked, but then I was totally impressed. This guy actually put some thought and practice into it. He swung that shirt around then threw it at me. By this time I was completely into it, so I picked up the cash he had left on the table. He got me feeling frisky so I reached forward and grabbed him by the front of the pants. I pulled him towards me then stuffed all the bills down the front.
Chuck started laughing with me. I pushed him away and began clapping and cheering for him to take the pants off. So he spun around, shook his ass in my face, then dropped them.
He was wearing a black thong.
You think the pasties shocked me? I think my jaw hit the floor. Chuck spun around and that's when I realized it wasn't just a thong. I guess Chuck doesn't have much experience with sexy underwear because he was wearing a LADIES thong. Chuck's junk was hanging every which way. And with every dance move, it just swung all over the place! His poor balls must have been black and blue from being squished like that.
And that's when I lost it. I just doubled up on the table laughing my ass off. Chuck lost it too and we both just laughed ourselves silly for a few minutes. When we both calmed down, I ordered him on the table. He took the thong off and laid back - still giggling.
I couldn't let that kind of performance go un-rewarded, so I immediately began to work his poor black and blue dick with my hands. After a few minutes he yells out "I'm ready!" and finishes right there. I told him that my intention was to give him a double, but he said that he got what he came for and he's happy. So he tipped me an extra $50 bucks and thanked me again. It was one of the most fun sessions I've had in a long time.
Why can't all my customers be that much fun? Oh well, count on a government worker to make my day.
CJ
He's tried everyone here at one time or another, but he's finally settled on me as his favorite. Apparently Audrey treated him mean so he'll never see her again (she actually made fat jokes in front of him - Gawd she's stupid sometimes). Trina gave a good massage, but he said she's too quiet when compared to me (shit - a Mack Truck is quiet compared to me). And Cindy - she just freaked him out. First of all, he was turned off by all of her tattoos. And second, the last time he had her, he tried sucking on her breasts and got a nasty little surprise - Milk shot out!!!! Well that kinda shit's gonna happen when you're 6 month pregnant.
First time I had Chuck, he was just a normal customer. Yesterday was only the second time I had ever seen him. I got him in the room and sat with him on the table. When I asked him what options he wanted, he surprised me with a request. "Can I do something for you today?"
He seemed harmless enough so I said "Whatcha got in mind?"
"I want to strip for you."
I misunderstood him at first. "You want me to do a striptease for you? I can but I'm really bad at it..."
He shook his head, "No no no. I'm going to strip for you!" I think he saw the weird look on my face because he asked, "Do you mind? Would you be disgusted if I did that...?" he kinda trailed off.
"Oh hell no. I'd love it!" No one has ever stripped for me before, so I was all for it.
He nodded like a happy kid and asked again just to be sure it was OK. I said it was, so he paid up front for a topless. He got off the table while I began to take my clothes off. I hopped on the table and lied on my side while he fiddled with the radio looking for dance music.
"It's not gonna be a lapdance. I mean, I don't want to crush you or anything." I laughed at this. "I just wanna strip baby!" And with that he started to gyrate.
"Woo Hoo Baby! Yeah!" I was loving it. This was a new one for me.
Let me tell ya - for a heavy guy he had some moves. He started doing these Chippendale moves while fully clothed. It totally reminded me of an old Saturday Night Live sketch with Chris Farley. Then the jacket came off and he threw it across the room. I almost fell of the table laughing. Next came the hat, then the shoes, the hoodie, socks, and finally his belt.
So I'm sitting there clapping and cheering him on when he moves closer and starts to slowly pull up his shirt in a sexy kind of way. As the shirt inched up over his chest that's when I noticed - he was wearing pasties! The kind with the little tassles on them!!!
I coulda died. At first I was shocked, but then I was totally impressed. This guy actually put some thought and practice into it. He swung that shirt around then threw it at me. By this time I was completely into it, so I picked up the cash he had left on the table. He got me feeling frisky so I reached forward and grabbed him by the front of the pants. I pulled him towards me then stuffed all the bills down the front.
Chuck started laughing with me. I pushed him away and began clapping and cheering for him to take the pants off. So he spun around, shook his ass in my face, then dropped them.
He was wearing a black thong.
You think the pasties shocked me? I think my jaw hit the floor. Chuck spun around and that's when I realized it wasn't just a thong. I guess Chuck doesn't have much experience with sexy underwear because he was wearing a LADIES thong. Chuck's junk was hanging every which way. And with every dance move, it just swung all over the place! His poor balls must have been black and blue from being squished like that.
And that's when I lost it. I just doubled up on the table laughing my ass off. Chuck lost it too and we both just laughed ourselves silly for a few minutes. When we both calmed down, I ordered him on the table. He took the thong off and laid back - still giggling.
I couldn't let that kind of performance go un-rewarded, so I immediately began to work his poor black and blue dick with my hands. After a few minutes he yells out "I'm ready!" and finishes right there. I told him that my intention was to give him a double, but he said that he got what he came for and he's happy. So he tipped me an extra $50 bucks and thanked me again. It was one of the most fun sessions I've had in a long time.
Why can't all my customers be that much fun? Oh well, count on a government worker to make my day.
CJ
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Freaks of the Weeks: Celebrities
You'd be surprised how many famous people pass through here. Not every day, but over the years I've seen actors, sports stars, local TV personalities, etc.
Since we're located very near 2 major highways that lead outta Philly, we get a lot of cross country traffic. So it's not unusual for anyone famous to pass through this area. Local celebs from Philly have their vacation homes out past us and into Amish country or the Poconos. And we also get the sports teams passing between Philly, Pittsburgh and DC through here.
Why a massage parlor if you're famous enough to get laid on your own? Well if you want to remain anonymous, no other customers will see you in a parlor (unlike a strip club). Also, they have more than enough money to get what they want (we're a lot more convenient than picking up girls in the hotel bar). And finally, for the busy celebrity you can get in, get off and get out in less than an hour.
TV actors
This is a weird story. I've had at least 2 actors that I know of. The first guy was from a TV show I follow on the Gay Channel. I thought he looked familiar when I first saw him. Once we were in the room, he mentioned up front that he's on TV. Some of the celebrity types do that to try to get special treatment.
The session itself was relatively normal. I remember that he took a 45 minute topless, but the weird part was during the hand release. While I was jerking him off, he kept saying things like "... I've never had a girl touch me before... Oh this is so wrong... What are you doing to me..." It was almost like he was in his TV character! I'm not kidding you when I say this, but after it was all done, I kinda felt like I had just molested this guy. No joke - I was totally weirded out by it. I was almost convinced that I was the first girl to ever jerk him off. So either this guy really was gay, or he was just an incredible actor.
The 2nd actor guy I recognized as soon as he walked in the door. He was from the SAME TV show as the first guy! They must have talked about this place because he asked for me by name. Anyway, he didn't say who he was - just acted like a regular customer. And when the session was over, I swear - I had barely finished washing the cum off my hands before I was on the internet looking for his picture. And yup - it was him.
Sports celebrities
I don't know how many athletes I've had over the years, but I've seen 'em all: baseball, football, hockey, basketball, and even a pro wrestler! We see a lot of Eagles out here (Go Eagles!), and I've even partied with some at the local bars. Hockey players are by far the coolest because they're not nearly as full of themselves. But the guy I was probably most impressed to see was the wrestler.
The Wrestler was probably one of the most ripped guys I've ever worked on. Other athletes do not even compare! I know it's mostly for show, but WOW - talk about eye candy. He was just the nicest, down-to-earth kinda guy too. And yes - he was one of the Hotties I talked about! Spent the entire session wondering it would be like to wrap myself in that...
Now apart from the wrestler, athletes tend to be full of themselves. They're all like "I bet you've never had a guy like me in before... Am I hot or what... Tell me I'm the best looking guy you've ever seen..." You get the point.
And since they're all rich, you'd think that they'd be throwing money at you, but noooooooo. They start off being cheap because they think they can get stuff off you for free since they're famous. But I've learned this trick from other girls over the years - if you treat them just like any other pushy customer and stand your ground, eventually they'll open those wallets and make it worth your while. Trina once got a $1000 tip from a football player, and she didn't even have to do anything weird!
Local Celebrities
We've had more than our share of local celebrities including TV reporters, minor league sports players, radio DJ's (more than I care to remember), city councilmen (NEVER ours - always next town over which shall remain nameless) and the occasional guy from those really bad car dealership commercials.
DJ's are the most annoying because they think they're famous and demand to be treated so. But I think my favorite celeb of all time was a local weatherman. If you knew just how obsessed I am with the weather, you'd understand. I mean for me, this was MY rockstar. He was your stereotypical chubby, funny weather guy - and I almost died when I saw him walk in. Let me tell you - I must have talked his ear off during the entire session. I don't know if he'd ever want to see me again, because I must have asked him a thousand questions about his job.
This is how starstruck I was - I TALKED THROUGHOUT HIS ENTIRE HAPPY ENDING. Looking back I feel sorry for the guy having to hear me yap away while he's trying to finish. I'm embarassed to say this now, but it went something like this:
Weatherman: "Oooooooh...mmmmmmm... Oh Yeah..."
Me: "So can you actually see the weather map behind you or is it one of those green screens?"
Weatherman: "...Uhhhhh... It's green...Ohhhhhhh... right there..."
Me: "Have you ever seen a tornado?"
Weatherman: "...un huh... UN HUH......... UN HUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!"
I think in my next life I'm gonna be a weather girl. Trina said I could never turn sideways because you'd have trouble seeing the weather map behind me.
CJ
Since we're located very near 2 major highways that lead outta Philly, we get a lot of cross country traffic. So it's not unusual for anyone famous to pass through this area. Local celebs from Philly have their vacation homes out past us and into Amish country or the Poconos. And we also get the sports teams passing between Philly, Pittsburgh and DC through here.
Why a massage parlor if you're famous enough to get laid on your own? Well if you want to remain anonymous, no other customers will see you in a parlor (unlike a strip club). Also, they have more than enough money to get what they want (we're a lot more convenient than picking up girls in the hotel bar). And finally, for the busy celebrity you can get in, get off and get out in less than an hour.
TV actors
This is a weird story. I've had at least 2 actors that I know of. The first guy was from a TV show I follow on the Gay Channel. I thought he looked familiar when I first saw him. Once we were in the room, he mentioned up front that he's on TV. Some of the celebrity types do that to try to get special treatment.
The session itself was relatively normal. I remember that he took a 45 minute topless, but the weird part was during the hand release. While I was jerking him off, he kept saying things like "... I've never had a girl touch me before... Oh this is so wrong... What are you doing to me..." It was almost like he was in his TV character! I'm not kidding you when I say this, but after it was all done, I kinda felt like I had just molested this guy. No joke - I was totally weirded out by it. I was almost convinced that I was the first girl to ever jerk him off. So either this guy really was gay, or he was just an incredible actor.
The 2nd actor guy I recognized as soon as he walked in the door. He was from the SAME TV show as the first guy! They must have talked about this place because he asked for me by name. Anyway, he didn't say who he was - just acted like a regular customer. And when the session was over, I swear - I had barely finished washing the cum off my hands before I was on the internet looking for his picture. And yup - it was him.
Sports celebrities
I don't know how many athletes I've had over the years, but I've seen 'em all: baseball, football, hockey, basketball, and even a pro wrestler! We see a lot of Eagles out here (Go Eagles!), and I've even partied with some at the local bars. Hockey players are by far the coolest because they're not nearly as full of themselves. But the guy I was probably most impressed to see was the wrestler.
The Wrestler was probably one of the most ripped guys I've ever worked on. Other athletes do not even compare! I know it's mostly for show, but WOW - talk about eye candy. He was just the nicest, down-to-earth kinda guy too. And yes - he was one of the Hotties I talked about! Spent the entire session wondering it would be like to wrap myself in that...
Now apart from the wrestler, athletes tend to be full of themselves. They're all like "I bet you've never had a guy like me in before... Am I hot or what... Tell me I'm the best looking guy you've ever seen..." You get the point.
And since they're all rich, you'd think that they'd be throwing money at you, but noooooooo. They start off being cheap because they think they can get stuff off you for free since they're famous. But I've learned this trick from other girls over the years - if you treat them just like any other pushy customer and stand your ground, eventually they'll open those wallets and make it worth your while. Trina once got a $1000 tip from a football player, and she didn't even have to do anything weird!
Local Celebrities
We've had more than our share of local celebrities including TV reporters, minor league sports players, radio DJ's (more than I care to remember), city councilmen (NEVER ours - always next town over which shall remain nameless) and the occasional guy from those really bad car dealership commercials.
DJ's are the most annoying because they think they're famous and demand to be treated so. But I think my favorite celeb of all time was a local weatherman. If you knew just how obsessed I am with the weather, you'd understand. I mean for me, this was MY rockstar. He was your stereotypical chubby, funny weather guy - and I almost died when I saw him walk in. Let me tell you - I must have talked his ear off during the entire session. I don't know if he'd ever want to see me again, because I must have asked him a thousand questions about his job.
This is how starstruck I was - I TALKED THROUGHOUT HIS ENTIRE HAPPY ENDING. Looking back I feel sorry for the guy having to hear me yap away while he's trying to finish. I'm embarassed to say this now, but it went something like this:
Weatherman: "Oooooooh...mmmmmmm... Oh Yeah..."
Me: "So can you actually see the weather map behind you or is it one of those green screens?"
Weatherman: "...Uhhhhh... It's green...Ohhhhhhh... right there..."
Me: "Have you ever seen a tornado?"
Weatherman: "...un huh... UN HUH......... UN HUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!"
I think in my next life I'm gonna be a weather girl. Trina said I could never turn sideways because you'd have trouble seeing the weather map behind me.
CJ
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Hottie and the Nottie
Some of you asked recently if we ever get really hot guys in as customers and what that's like for us. Well, we do get our share but unfortunately it's not nearly as often as we'd like.
I asked around The Business the other day if anyone had any good "Hot Customer" stories. We all had a good laugh talking about it, but in the end we all had similar experiences. I really hate to break it to everyone out there, but none of us had any "Penthouse Forum" type stories to share. Sorry! I mean I coulda lied and said we'd all sucked some guys dick because he looked like Marky-Mark just to make good reading, but I'm here to teach you - not make things up.
The thing is when you meet a REALLY hot guy, girls tend to feel intimidated. Now when I say "good looking" I don't mean a better-than-average, most-popular-in-high-school type. I'm talking CK underwear model here. I mean HOT! When I get a total hottie, I go from outgoing to totally shy in 2 seconds. We all agreed that the hot ones make us feel too self conscious to really relax and just enjoy the view.
Ya wanna know who really can't deal with a hot guy? Audrey. Since she's the oldest one here, and her body ain't what it used to be, she totally clams up with the guys, and even cranks down the room lights as low as they'll go! Trina said she's also done the light trick with hot customers since she's a little chunky. Then there's Cindy... You'd assume that she just jumps them in the room - right? But no - she said she usually develops an attitude with these guys like, "Yeah - you think you're so hot. Well fuck you. Ya gotta pay for this shit..." And yes - she will make them pay!
You'd think that the Hotties would come in and really try to work their charms on us. I hate to burst your bubble, but on average they tend to be the least demanding and pervy of our customers. So with that said, the Hotties end up being treated no differently than other customers.
Now I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm indifferent to these guys. Whenever I get a Hottie, I'm like "yeah baby... I wonder what that would taste like dipped in chocolate..." But since I'm a professional, I express that sentiment as "yes... can I help you?" Also, I might develop a case of amnesia and forget to mention that other girls are available. LOL
Once in the room, I usually act more subdued than usual. If anything, I prefer they take a topless option since I feel so self conscious about the rest of my body. Then when I get them on the table I'll fantasize about what it would be like to fuck them. But no - I've never made a move on them. And whenever they've made a move on me, I've always given them the, "I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that" line. For me, when it comes to doing extras for free - I've said it before and I'll say it again - it's all about attitude. Make me laugh, treat me with respect, or engage me in conversation and then I'm up for doing something extra for fun. But just because you've got washboard abs and hair styled better than mine - doesn't mean I'm doing anything extra.
Now this brings me to the Notties... The Notties are the guys who've been beaten with the ugly stick. I don't mean just unattractive, I mean missing teeth, unwashed, B.O., uni-brow guys. These customers tend to be the most demanding, picky and perverted of the customers. They'll come in and demand the Beauty Pageant (where all the girls have to come up front for their inspection), give us an attitude, argue price, and then demand all sorts of pervy shit in the rooms. I guess they figure that since they're paying customers, then can get whatever they want. Sorry - doesn't work that way guys. We're masseuses, not sex slaves.
So if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that looks aren't everything. If you really want to charm us, better work more on your sense of humor than your hairstyle.
CJ
I asked around The Business the other day if anyone had any good "Hot Customer" stories. We all had a good laugh talking about it, but in the end we all had similar experiences. I really hate to break it to everyone out there, but none of us had any "Penthouse Forum" type stories to share. Sorry! I mean I coulda lied and said we'd all sucked some guys dick because he looked like Marky-Mark just to make good reading, but I'm here to teach you - not make things up.
The thing is when you meet a REALLY hot guy, girls tend to feel intimidated. Now when I say "good looking" I don't mean a better-than-average, most-popular-in-high-school type. I'm talking CK underwear model here. I mean HOT! When I get a total hottie, I go from outgoing to totally shy in 2 seconds. We all agreed that the hot ones make us feel too self conscious to really relax and just enjoy the view.
Ya wanna know who really can't deal with a hot guy? Audrey. Since she's the oldest one here, and her body ain't what it used to be, she totally clams up with the guys, and even cranks down the room lights as low as they'll go! Trina said she's also done the light trick with hot customers since she's a little chunky. Then there's Cindy... You'd assume that she just jumps them in the room - right? But no - she said she usually develops an attitude with these guys like, "Yeah - you think you're so hot. Well fuck you. Ya gotta pay for this shit..." And yes - she will make them pay!
You'd think that the Hotties would come in and really try to work their charms on us. I hate to burst your bubble, but on average they tend to be the least demanding and pervy of our customers. So with that said, the Hotties end up being treated no differently than other customers.
Now I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm indifferent to these guys. Whenever I get a Hottie, I'm like "yeah baby... I wonder what that would taste like dipped in chocolate..." But since I'm a professional, I express that sentiment as "yes... can I help you?" Also, I might develop a case of amnesia and forget to mention that other girls are available. LOL
Once in the room, I usually act more subdued than usual. If anything, I prefer they take a topless option since I feel so self conscious about the rest of my body. Then when I get them on the table I'll fantasize about what it would be like to fuck them. But no - I've never made a move on them. And whenever they've made a move on me, I've always given them the, "I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that" line. For me, when it comes to doing extras for free - I've said it before and I'll say it again - it's all about attitude. Make me laugh, treat me with respect, or engage me in conversation and then I'm up for doing something extra for fun. But just because you've got washboard abs and hair styled better than mine - doesn't mean I'm doing anything extra.
Now this brings me to the Notties... The Notties are the guys who've been beaten with the ugly stick. I don't mean just unattractive, I mean missing teeth, unwashed, B.O., uni-brow guys. These customers tend to be the most demanding, picky and perverted of the customers. They'll come in and demand the Beauty Pageant (where all the girls have to come up front for their inspection), give us an attitude, argue price, and then demand all sorts of pervy shit in the rooms. I guess they figure that since they're paying customers, then can get whatever they want. Sorry - doesn't work that way guys. We're masseuses, not sex slaves.
So if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's that looks aren't everything. If you really want to charm us, better work more on your sense of humor than your hairstyle.
CJ
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Freak of the Week - The Whiner
I know I've been slacking on my Freaks of the Week, but I got carried away with talking about my pathetic love life. I've been too distracted to even notice my latest winner, so here we go with the new Freak of the Week!
Cletus is a real local redneck. I'm talking the pickup truck, bib overalls, truckers hat, chewing tobacco - I mean everything. He's been showing up on a regular basis since December, so I guess he's one of the lucky guys around here to still have a job.
He bounced around between all the girls here, but asked for me for his last 2 Sessions. I should be happy to have a new Regular in this economy, but this guy makes me want to jump off a cliff. His problem is that he's totally pissed off about everything. From the minute he walks through the door to the minute we show him out, he just bitches and moans about:
Every little ache & pain
The government
The weather
His job
His last job and one before that
The ex wife
The ex mother law
His childhood
The cancellation of Knight Rider
and basically everything else that's happened to him since birth.
He walked in yesterday and I swear a vein in my forehead popped out. "Gawd it's nasty out there."
"Whadya mean? It's 50 degrees and sunny out."
"Fuckin' ice is melting and mud all over the roads. And three assholes almost hit me on the way over here. I swear... I remember..."
This is my third time with Cletus, so I cut him off. "You want a session? Audrey and I are here." I threw out Audrey's name in the hopes that maybe I can throw a little pain her way. Audrey shoots me a dirty look from across the room where she's standing. No go. He wants me.
He always books a 45 minute session, which is funny because we've all noticed that he's done in 20. I suggested he save some money and pay for just 30 minutes instead. I do this partly to save him money, partly to limit my time with him, but mostly to piss off Audrey. I get the daggers from her again.
"What the fuck? You tryin' to rip me off or something..."
I give him the stop sign with my hand and say "No I'm not... It's just that...never mind. Go in that room over there and get comfortable. I'll be there in a minute." Audrey laughs when the door closes behind him and then tells me that's what I deserve for suggesting he take a cheaper option. Bitch.
If I kept a bottle of rum in the office I'd do a shot right about now. But I don't, so I take a deep breath and go in the room. Just as I had suspected, he's sitting on the table naked from the waist down. It's his thing - he refuses to take off his T-shirt during Session because he's "shy." His dick may be hanging out, but he's "shy" about his shirt. Go figure.
"It's fuckin' cold in here. What - you don't pay your fuckin' bills around here? And why is it so dark... I'm paying to see you naked and you keep the lights off and..."
Ya see why I would have gladly pawned him off on Audrey? This shit goes on for the ENTIRE session. I swear, by the end of it I just wanna hang myself. Luckily I have a cold, so my hearing is off just enough that I can kinda tune him out.
He asks for an extra soft massage (which I give THROUGH his T-shirt), with me naked. But he wants me to start in bra and panties, and then lose them during the massage. And I almost forgot - he does the session lying on his back. I'm only allowed to touch his legs and chest. He totally freaks if I touch his back.
"I ran into Fred the other day." I have no idea who Fred is, nor do I care. "That fucker's been outta work for 3 months now. Good for you I says. I always hated that fuck. Did you know he used to call me 'Ugly Duckiling' in high school?"
This I do know. Why? Because he only mentions it every 5 minutes. So instead of answering, I take my bra off instead. Cletus is not an ugly man. He's in his mid 30's, tall and lanky in that country music star kinda way. He's not my type, but if he combed his hair and traded in the overalls for some jeans, my girlfriends would be all over him. Oh - and he'd also have to keep his mouth shut. LOL
"Bailout my ass. Give me a billion dollars instead. I could fuckin' use that kinda money. They''re all fuckin' crooks if ya ask me..." I've discovered that he doesn't really want or need me to respond to him. I start working on his pecs through the T-shirt. 15 minutes have past, but it feels like 2 weeks. The Catholic school girl in me begins to wonder if pergatory is like this.
At a certain point I decide that he's gotten his money's worth for the massage (and I can't take any more of his whining). The G-string comes off.
"... and who did he think he was talking to...Hey! Well it's about fuckin' time you got naked..." Now his Little Cletus rises to the occasion. "... Uh...Do you mind if I ... uh... you know?"
I give a big dramatic sigh. "Well OK - go ahead" I say as if I'm doing him a huge favor. This is his cue to climb off the table. I turn around and lean back against the table to steady myself while Cletus kneels in front of me. I spread my legs slightly so he can get a good grip on the left one. Then without oil or anything, he starts humping my leg.
"Unnnnhhh... Mmmmmm... Unnnnhh... That fucker still pisses me off when he... Unnnnhhh... asks for money...Mmmmmmm..."
"Don't talk Cletus" I command him. This is really the only moment when I can get him to shut up. After about a minute or so, he gives out a little groan and shoots his cum on my leg. He sits on the floor to catch his breath while I compliment him on the size of his load (guys love that). "Wow - that's like a weeks worth! It feels so warm on my skin." I let him marvel at it for a few seconds before I grab a towel and clean myself up.
After he's caught his breath, he stands up. "Last time I was here, I was so miserable I wanted to hang myself in this room."
"Glad you didn't. Now dress up and I'll see you outside." I make a quick dash out the door - clothes in hand. I'd rather be naked in the hallway than have to listen to more of him.
Eventually he comes back to the front desk - only slightly less miserable than when he walked in. "Don't you hate it when..."
We've all learned how to handle a customer who doesn't want to leave. "I've got an appointment in 2 minutes. It was nice seeing you!" And with that I whisk him out the front door. In all, I made $100 for the nude, plus another $60 for the leg release. Not bad for 20 minutes of massage, but not worth it for the 20 minutes of psycho-therapy.
Next time he makes an appointment I'm taking a xanax ahead of time so he can say whatever he wants - I just won't care. Either that or I'm getting earplugs.
CJ
Cletus is a real local redneck. I'm talking the pickup truck, bib overalls, truckers hat, chewing tobacco - I mean everything. He's been showing up on a regular basis since December, so I guess he's one of the lucky guys around here to still have a job.
He bounced around between all the girls here, but asked for me for his last 2 Sessions. I should be happy to have a new Regular in this economy, but this guy makes me want to jump off a cliff. His problem is that he's totally pissed off about everything. From the minute he walks through the door to the minute we show him out, he just bitches and moans about:
Every little ache & pain
The government
The weather
His job
His last job and one before that
The ex wife
The ex mother law
His childhood
The cancellation of Knight Rider
and basically everything else that's happened to him since birth.
He walked in yesterday and I swear a vein in my forehead popped out. "Gawd it's nasty out there."
"Whadya mean? It's 50 degrees and sunny out."
"Fuckin' ice is melting and mud all over the roads. And three assholes almost hit me on the way over here. I swear... I remember..."
This is my third time with Cletus, so I cut him off. "You want a session? Audrey and I are here." I threw out Audrey's name in the hopes that maybe I can throw a little pain her way. Audrey shoots me a dirty look from across the room where she's standing. No go. He wants me.
He always books a 45 minute session, which is funny because we've all noticed that he's done in 20. I suggested he save some money and pay for just 30 minutes instead. I do this partly to save him money, partly to limit my time with him, but mostly to piss off Audrey. I get the daggers from her again.
"What the fuck? You tryin' to rip me off or something..."
I give him the stop sign with my hand and say "No I'm not... It's just that...never mind. Go in that room over there and get comfortable. I'll be there in a minute." Audrey laughs when the door closes behind him and then tells me that's what I deserve for suggesting he take a cheaper option. Bitch.
If I kept a bottle of rum in the office I'd do a shot right about now. But I don't, so I take a deep breath and go in the room. Just as I had suspected, he's sitting on the table naked from the waist down. It's his thing - he refuses to take off his T-shirt during Session because he's "shy." His dick may be hanging out, but he's "shy" about his shirt. Go figure.
"It's fuckin' cold in here. What - you don't pay your fuckin' bills around here? And why is it so dark... I'm paying to see you naked and you keep the lights off and..."
Ya see why I would have gladly pawned him off on Audrey? This shit goes on for the ENTIRE session. I swear, by the end of it I just wanna hang myself. Luckily I have a cold, so my hearing is off just enough that I can kinda tune him out.
He asks for an extra soft massage (which I give THROUGH his T-shirt), with me naked. But he wants me to start in bra and panties, and then lose them during the massage. And I almost forgot - he does the session lying on his back. I'm only allowed to touch his legs and chest. He totally freaks if I touch his back.
"I ran into Fred the other day." I have no idea who Fred is, nor do I care. "That fucker's been outta work for 3 months now. Good for you I says. I always hated that fuck. Did you know he used to call me 'Ugly Duckiling' in high school?"
This I do know. Why? Because he only mentions it every 5 minutes. So instead of answering, I take my bra off instead. Cletus is not an ugly man. He's in his mid 30's, tall and lanky in that country music star kinda way. He's not my type, but if he combed his hair and traded in the overalls for some jeans, my girlfriends would be all over him. Oh - and he'd also have to keep his mouth shut. LOL
"Bailout my ass. Give me a billion dollars instead. I could fuckin' use that kinda money. They''re all fuckin' crooks if ya ask me..." I've discovered that he doesn't really want or need me to respond to him. I start working on his pecs through the T-shirt. 15 minutes have past, but it feels like 2 weeks. The Catholic school girl in me begins to wonder if pergatory is like this.
At a certain point I decide that he's gotten his money's worth for the massage (and I can't take any more of his whining). The G-string comes off.
"... and who did he think he was talking to...Hey! Well it's about fuckin' time you got naked..." Now his Little Cletus rises to the occasion. "... Uh...Do you mind if I ... uh... you know?"
I give a big dramatic sigh. "Well OK - go ahead" I say as if I'm doing him a huge favor. This is his cue to climb off the table. I turn around and lean back against the table to steady myself while Cletus kneels in front of me. I spread my legs slightly so he can get a good grip on the left one. Then without oil or anything, he starts humping my leg.
"Unnnnhhh... Mmmmmm... Unnnnhh... That fucker still pisses me off when he... Unnnnhhh... asks for money...Mmmmmmm..."
"Don't talk Cletus" I command him. This is really the only moment when I can get him to shut up. After about a minute or so, he gives out a little groan and shoots his cum on my leg. He sits on the floor to catch his breath while I compliment him on the size of his load (guys love that). "Wow - that's like a weeks worth! It feels so warm on my skin." I let him marvel at it for a few seconds before I grab a towel and clean myself up.
After he's caught his breath, he stands up. "Last time I was here, I was so miserable I wanted to hang myself in this room."
"Glad you didn't. Now dress up and I'll see you outside." I make a quick dash out the door - clothes in hand. I'd rather be naked in the hallway than have to listen to more of him.
Eventually he comes back to the front desk - only slightly less miserable than when he walked in. "Don't you hate it when..."
We've all learned how to handle a customer who doesn't want to leave. "I've got an appointment in 2 minutes. It was nice seeing you!" And with that I whisk him out the front door. In all, I made $100 for the nude, plus another $60 for the leg release. Not bad for 20 minutes of massage, but not worth it for the 20 minutes of psycho-therapy.
Next time he makes an appointment I'm taking a xanax ahead of time so he can say whatever he wants - I just won't care. Either that or I'm getting earplugs.
CJ
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Mr. Perfect
Someone asked me if I'd give up all this for the "right" guy. I thought about it and the answer is no. Seriously. Not the answer you were expecting, is it?
After much soul searching (and a VERY long phone conversation with Trina the other night), I realized that I'd only leave if Mr. Right could support me (at the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed or a little better of course!). Anything short of that, and I wouldn't leave. Ya see, I'm very independent and have been pretty much taking care of myself ever since 10th grade. Because of that, it's really hard for me to depend on anyone. And if Mr. Right can't take care of his little CJ, then I see no reason to quit.
I like my job. I don't love it, but I actually like coming to work. What on Earth could I possibly enjoy about jerking guys off you ask? Well, I like most of my Regulars, the pay is decent, the work is a no-brainer, I get all the Lifetime TV shows I want, and I get to hang out with my BFF all week. What more could a girl want?! Sure, it gets weird sometimes, but it's my weirdness and I'm kinda used to it.
Some of you are probably shaking your heads and saying "Yeah, but how can you be happy when you constantly have to lie to everyone about your job?" To those people I ask you this - do you truly know what anyone else does outside of your little work world? Let's say you were an accountant, would you really tell the boring details of your day to a room full of firemen? I didn't think so. Not only would they not understand you, they wouldn't even care. Instead, we all just make general statements about how happy or miserable we are.
For example - with my co-workers I could say "I had a bad day...That last customer wanted to stick a finger up my ass..." But with a boyfriend, I would just say "I had a bad day... That last customer was a real pain in my ass..."
Exact same sentiment, different wording. So where's the lie? This approach has worked for me all these years, so I see no compelling reason to "confess" anything to anyone (other than all you beautiful, loving, adoring fans of course - that's what YOU guys are for!). So if I won't leave work for a guy, you only have yourselves to blame. Don't you feel bad now?
I think a better reason for leaving The Business is this lousy economy. I've never seen times this bad before. Once I can't make ends meet, THEN it's time to move on - not for some lousy stinking man. LOL
There, does that answer your question?
CJ
p.s. I would also like to add that I am now accepting applications for the position of Boyfriend/Fiance. Must be able to keep me in the following:
1) Fully clothed in the latest fashions from Abercrombie
2) Scantily clothed in the latest lingerie from Victoria's Secret
3) Smelling pretty with the latest scent from Burberry
4) Sparkling in the latest designs from Tiffany
5) Cruising in a late model full size pickup truck
6) Entertained with Lifetime on a HD TV
7) Typsy with the finest beers from Mexico
8) Weak-kneed from daily furious fucking
9) And tanned from semi-annual trips to Cancun
Please e-mail me a pic of the truck.
xoxoxo
CJ
After much soul searching (and a VERY long phone conversation with Trina the other night), I realized that I'd only leave if Mr. Right could support me (at the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed or a little better of course!). Anything short of that, and I wouldn't leave. Ya see, I'm very independent and have been pretty much taking care of myself ever since 10th grade. Because of that, it's really hard for me to depend on anyone. And if Mr. Right can't take care of his little CJ, then I see no reason to quit.
I like my job. I don't love it, but I actually like coming to work. What on Earth could I possibly enjoy about jerking guys off you ask? Well, I like most of my Regulars, the pay is decent, the work is a no-brainer, I get all the Lifetime TV shows I want, and I get to hang out with my BFF all week. What more could a girl want?! Sure, it gets weird sometimes, but it's my weirdness and I'm kinda used to it.
Some of you are probably shaking your heads and saying "Yeah, but how can you be happy when you constantly have to lie to everyone about your job?" To those people I ask you this - do you truly know what anyone else does outside of your little work world? Let's say you were an accountant, would you really tell the boring details of your day to a room full of firemen? I didn't think so. Not only would they not understand you, they wouldn't even care. Instead, we all just make general statements about how happy or miserable we are.
For example - with my co-workers I could say "I had a bad day...That last customer wanted to stick a finger up my ass..." But with a boyfriend, I would just say "I had a bad day... That last customer was a real pain in my ass..."
Exact same sentiment, different wording. So where's the lie? This approach has worked for me all these years, so I see no compelling reason to "confess" anything to anyone (other than all you beautiful, loving, adoring fans of course - that's what YOU guys are for!). So if I won't leave work for a guy, you only have yourselves to blame. Don't you feel bad now?
I think a better reason for leaving The Business is this lousy economy. I've never seen times this bad before. Once I can't make ends meet, THEN it's time to move on - not for some lousy stinking man. LOL
There, does that answer your question?
CJ
p.s. I would also like to add that I am now accepting applications for the position of Boyfriend/Fiance. Must be able to keep me in the following:
1) Fully clothed in the latest fashions from Abercrombie
2) Scantily clothed in the latest lingerie from Victoria's Secret
3) Smelling pretty with the latest scent from Burberry
4) Sparkling in the latest designs from Tiffany
5) Cruising in a late model full size pickup truck
6) Entertained with Lifetime on a HD TV
7) Typsy with the finest beers from Mexico
8) Weak-kneed from daily furious fucking
9) And tanned from semi-annual trips to Cancun
Please e-mail me a pic of the truck.
xoxoxo
CJ
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I Give Great First Date
Reflex, Kenny, HOP, and Sir - thank you for being honest! No offense, but I think the rest of you are full of shit.
I've never dated a customer, but I know plenty of girls who have and it usually ended badly. Sooner or later the jealousy creeps in and gets the best of the guy. It usually wasn't deserved, but in some cases it was (what? - she didn't explain that she was full service with everyone BUT you?). Some guys hang in there, but they're almost always the total loser type - no job, no car, in a band, etc. And the funniest thing about them is that when you ask "So... how did you two meet?" they always say something stupid like "... at Borders." Yeah - like you know how to read.
Funny thing is that there never seems to be any problems with the married girls. Husbands don't seem to mind. I think it has something to do with the giant wad of cash the wife brings home at the end of the day. Money may not buy you love, but it can definitely get you to overlook that cock smell on the hands.
Even though I've never dated a customer, I have gone out with a few with mixed results. The most common problem was the guys who just assumed I was easy. Look buddy - you PAID for that handjob at work. That pasta dinner ain't getting you jack squat.
But the worst problem with seeing a guy outside of work is the "misunderstanding" that this was supposed to be a date, and NOT full-service outcall. I had a couple of these after I first got in The Business. Let me tell ya - there's nothing more awkward on a first date when he begins the conversation with "I got us a room at the Motel 6" as opposed to the more subtle "What would you like to drink?"
Now I'm sure that the rest of you guys were sincere when you said that you'd probably date someone like me in spite of what I do, and in some cases because of what I do. When you put it that way, I guess you could say that I give great first date. I could amaze you with all sorts of bizarre stories about work - and with a tight enough shirt I could keep your eyes from wandering the room. But after a few stories that end with "... then I wiped his cum off me" you guys would assume that I've replaced the good night kiss with a handjob.
Another dilemma about dating a customer is that (believe it or not) I would never want to date a guy who went to massage parlors. Heck, I even have problems with guys I'm dating going to strip clubs! The thing is, once you're a Regular, you're always a Regular. Just because he's dating me and getting all the erotic massages he wants, I know he's probably still going to another Business. I once had a coworker who started dating a customer. What she didn't know is that he used to come in when she was off to get sessions from the other girls. We never said a thing either, because he was a great tipper.
So there you have it. Now you know why I just tell guys that I'm a shampooer at a Day Spa. But if any of you out there still think you could date me, thank you! I do feel flattered.
CJ
I've never dated a customer, but I know plenty of girls who have and it usually ended badly. Sooner or later the jealousy creeps in and gets the best of the guy. It usually wasn't deserved, but in some cases it was (what? - she didn't explain that she was full service with everyone BUT you?). Some guys hang in there, but they're almost always the total loser type - no job, no car, in a band, etc. And the funniest thing about them is that when you ask "So... how did you two meet?" they always say something stupid like "... at Borders." Yeah - like you know how to read.
Funny thing is that there never seems to be any problems with the married girls. Husbands don't seem to mind. I think it has something to do with the giant wad of cash the wife brings home at the end of the day. Money may not buy you love, but it can definitely get you to overlook that cock smell on the hands.
Even though I've never dated a customer, I have gone out with a few with mixed results. The most common problem was the guys who just assumed I was easy. Look buddy - you PAID for that handjob at work. That pasta dinner ain't getting you jack squat.
But the worst problem with seeing a guy outside of work is the "misunderstanding" that this was supposed to be a date, and NOT full-service outcall. I had a couple of these after I first got in The Business. Let me tell ya - there's nothing more awkward on a first date when he begins the conversation with "I got us a room at the Motel 6" as opposed to the more subtle "What would you like to drink?"
Now I'm sure that the rest of you guys were sincere when you said that you'd probably date someone like me in spite of what I do, and in some cases because of what I do. When you put it that way, I guess you could say that I give great first date. I could amaze you with all sorts of bizarre stories about work - and with a tight enough shirt I could keep your eyes from wandering the room. But after a few stories that end with "... then I wiped his cum off me" you guys would assume that I've replaced the good night kiss with a handjob.
Another dilemma about dating a customer is that (believe it or not) I would never want to date a guy who went to massage parlors. Heck, I even have problems with guys I'm dating going to strip clubs! The thing is, once you're a Regular, you're always a Regular. Just because he's dating me and getting all the erotic massages he wants, I know he's probably still going to another Business. I once had a coworker who started dating a customer. What she didn't know is that he used to come in when she was off to get sessions from the other girls. We never said a thing either, because he was a great tipper.
So there you have it. Now you know why I just tell guys that I'm a shampooer at a Day Spa. But if any of you out there still think you could date me, thank you! I do feel flattered.
CJ
Monday, February 2, 2009
Worst Blind Date Ever - Epilogue
I got a call from Craig over the weekend. My first thought was "Ugh - I have nothing to say to him." So I let it kick over to voicemail.
Basically he pleaded for forgiveness for his behavior and then begged me for another chance. I really wasn't expecting this response considering that he almost totally ignored me all evening, so I made a few phone calls of my own.
Apparently Marsha said a few unpleasant things to her friends who then told their friends until it eventually got back to Craig that he acted like a total asshole on Saturday. In other words, he never figured it out himself - it took about 12 people to finally clue him in.
In the voicemail, he said a bunch of his old college buddies were in town and he thought he could combine the blind date with their little reunion. Well fuck that. If I wanted an inattentive asshole I'd go back to the old Asshole. Any guy who's immune to the charms of "The Girls," is useless to me anyway.
Now I wonder what it would be like to date a customer? Or at least a guy who fully knows what I do for a living and he's OK with it. Is that even possible? Question for you guys out there - could you date an erotic masseuse and be OK with it?
Pros:
Professional massages
Decent paycheck
Wicked handjobs
Cons:
Guys constantly hitting on her
Co-workers are Ho's and Druggies
Occasional semen stain in hair
Well? Could ya do it?
CJ
Basically he pleaded for forgiveness for his behavior and then begged me for another chance. I really wasn't expecting this response considering that he almost totally ignored me all evening, so I made a few phone calls of my own.
Apparently Marsha said a few unpleasant things to her friends who then told their friends until it eventually got back to Craig that he acted like a total asshole on Saturday. In other words, he never figured it out himself - it took about 12 people to finally clue him in.
In the voicemail, he said a bunch of his old college buddies were in town and he thought he could combine the blind date with their little reunion. Well fuck that. If I wanted an inattentive asshole I'd go back to the old Asshole. Any guy who's immune to the charms of "The Girls," is useless to me anyway.
Now I wonder what it would be like to date a customer? Or at least a guy who fully knows what I do for a living and he's OK with it. Is that even possible? Question for you guys out there - could you date an erotic masseuse and be OK with it?
Pros:
Professional massages
Decent paycheck
Wicked handjobs
Cons:
Guys constantly hitting on her
Co-workers are Ho's and Druggies
Occasional semen stain in hair
Well? Could ya do it?
CJ
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