Happy Mother Fucking Valentines Day

Look guys... sorry if you think the blog has become a bummer lately, but I've been a little preoccupied. I mean nowadays not much seems funny or even fun, so it's been hard to sit down and try to think of something to talk about. I really really really didn't want to talk about Derek and our fucked up situation but every time I try to talk about anything else, it always comes right back to it.

So I'm going to just say screw it and just get it over with. I'm really upset with what's going on and I'm not sure how we're going to get through it. This has been a pretty miserable couple of weeks, and it all started with that fucked up shit we call St. Valentines Day.

I wonder how many sad stories start off with that? Anyway, it all started a couple days before the 14th when Derek started dropping hints about a little "surprise" he was planning. Well that's fine and dandy, but I worked the evening shift on the 14th and only assumed he meant before or after.

But oh nooooooooo... he wanted to do something AT work. I mean sending flowers is one thing, but he actually wanted to come down and take me out to dinner. I was like "No... I'm working." Well, he started to argue that since I'm the new boss, I should be able to do whatever I want and let the other girls handle it without me.

Now Derek may know the address of where I work, and he knows I'm friends with Trina. BUT, he does not know that this "spa" only has a crew of 2 and a half girls plus 1 receptionist (yes - Cindy is still a "half" but that's another story). And on the night shift it's hard to explain how the place runs with just 1 girl.

So I kept telling him to just let it go. Work is work and he can have before or after. Even if it wasn't fucking Valentines Day, I still wouldn't want him to see me in the middle of a work day. For the next 8 hours I am "CJ" - fun loving and highly skilled erotic masseuse. The other 16 hours I can be Derek's girlfriend. And during those 8 hours, I often have to do, say, and think things that I don't really want to do, say or think about afterwards.

I guess you can say I have a different persona at work, and stepping in and out of it isn't exactly easy. Normally I have 30 minutes in the morning to get into it and 30 minutes in the evening to get out. And that routine has worked just fine for me for years. So I want Derek to just show up in the middle of a work day as much as I would want my mom.

"So why don't you want me to see you at work!" he finally screamed at me.

And that's when things got ugly. Partly because he yelled at me, but mostly because of the real answer to that question. Don't get me wrong - I've felt guilty before about my chosen profession, but never before quite like this. I mean I felt BAD.

And I hated him for it.

And that's where things left off. I haven't seen him, but we have spoken on the phone a few times. And we've exchanged A LOT of text messages. I mean that's gotta be worth something, right?

What it boils down to is that he still hasn't put 2 and 2 together regarding me and my exotic lifestyle. I can probably chalk that up to the fact that he has absolutely no concept of what the number 2 really means, and why that would be associated with little old me. His innocence is definitely one of his most endearing charms - and another reason why I go through such pains to keep my work life as far away from my home life as possible.

Derek once told me that when he was a kid, he cried for days when someone said there is no Santa Claus. So just imagine what any single story from this blog might do to him...

... And this is why I'm thinking very seriously about how I want to proceed at this point. Is it worth maintaining the lie just for us to crash and burn later? Or is this just the Good Lord's way of letting me get out of this situation rather easily? I mean - it is what it is. We lasted a damn good long time (for me anyway). And it was pretty nice while it lasted.

I asked you guys for "advice" a couple weeks ago, and at the time I was just trying to be funny. But then I saw just how serious some of your responses were. And I even had some honest talks with some of you by email. But now that all this has happened, it's not funny anymore.

Sorry if I can't squeeze a happy ending out of this story. Maybe next time.

CJ

Derek and I are taking a break. And I can honestly say that's not code for "we had a huge fight" or "we've broken up." We just seem to be not talking at the moment and don't know how to break up the rut we're in.

You see, we had a huge gigantic monster fight about 2 weeks ago now. And it wasn't because he finally figured out what I do for a living. It was more about how he still doesn't really know what I do for a living. Of course it wasn't in so many words. The basic gist of it is that I don't really "share" everything with him. And that fight began over me not wanting him to come meet me at work for lunch.

I swear he's such a girl sometimes.

I mean this is the really the first time I've EVER had this issue with a guy. Everyone else before him didn't give a rat's ass where I was or what I did for 8 hours of my day, 5 days a week. Then along comes Derek and he's all like "Tell me about your day" or "Why haven't I met your co-workers?" or "Why do you always keep a pair of panties in your front pocket?"

Because they're easier to sell that way... Duh.

Anyway, that's the big news. Kinda makes talking about work seem meaningless. Sorry.

CJ