Confessions of an Erotic TV Critic

Trina and I made it a point to sit down and watch the Client List. Made popcorn and everything. And after watching it we only had one question...

Where is this place and are they hiring?

Let me tell you, we laughed our asses off for an entire hour. And not just at the wildly fake stuff either - but at the parts they actually got right. I mean there were some bits in there where Trina and I just looked at each other and said "Remember that!?" I mean who hasn't left work to find the word "whore" spray painted on her car? Heck, around here we used to call that Tuesday.

Now I pray that no one who watches this crap thinks this is really what it's like inside a massage parlor. I could only dream of working in a place this fancy and with a clientele of very rich young men who apparently have a LOT of time to exercise. And the one guy who's not great looking is emotionally frail and wants to talk about his FEELINGS... which basically makes The Client List a perfect example of porn for women.

Let me tell ya, if I wasn't too busy laughing my ass off, I would have been taking care of my own business. But that doesn't mean it was all BS. In fact, they did manage to get some things right. For example:

1) The Rub actually reminded me a lot of the first place I worked. Not so much because it was all swank, but more of the dynamic between the girls. Everyone had a story, and between 6 different girls, there was no lack of drama.

2) Sensitive guys who want to talk. Believe it or not, some guys just want to talk. There is definitely something about being naked in front of a total stranger that can get men to talk about some of their deepest secrets. Some of the many roles I play in session (apart from schoolgirl and babysitter) is confidante and psychiatrist. They pour their hearts out and I listen and throw in my two cents. I don't know how many times I've listened to husbands ask for advice about their wives, and I help them out as best I can. Of course I still end up jerking them off afterwards, but at least they're trying to improve their relationships at home.

3) Occasional profanity scrawled on a car. OK - maybe not all that often, but we've all felt the wrath of an angry spouse who has finally tracked down where all those credit card statements have been coming from. Of course those confrontations never ended with the wife crying and begging for advice on pleasing her man.

Now for all the phony stuff. The biggest inaccuracies would probably be...

1) Plethora of hot young male customers. Forget it. Total fiction. Not in a million year. You want to know what our typical customers look like? Try visiting Walmart after 11pm on a Thursday night.

2) Boss with a heart of gold. Really? Total cliche. After all the stories I've told you about Audrey, how could anyone believe this. Most owners are either greedy women fighting you for customers, or pervy guys who are nothing more than pimps in polo shirts.

3) Endless supply of sexy lingerie. I have to admit that Jennifer looked good in each individual outfit she had for each customer, but truth of the matter is that I'm usually performing in my own bra and panties. And when a guy does bring in something for me to wear, it's usually the cheapest polyester made-in-china shit you can find in the clearance bin of K-Mart. Words cannot do justice to some of the tasteless ensembles I've been asked to wear. Of course, when most outfits are destined to be cum-stained trash at the end of the session, I guess the quality isn't terribly important.

4) Wives asking us for advice. Yeah right. Asking us to rot in hell and die, maybe - but not for advice.

I think this series has potential, but the problem is that it's totally for chicks - not dudes. And that's not surprising considering it's on Lifetime. What guys want is something on HBO that would feature lots of hot topless women who's actual job description is getting guys off. Now that would be the REAL Client List.

CJ

I can't see any readers if I want to remain anonymous

That is probably the most common thing I say in emails. I really wish I didn't have to say it since we could really use the business, but I need to protect myself. Most guys are cool with it, but then there are some of my more zealous fans who try flattery, bribery and on the rare occasion cajolery to get me to change my mind.

I think the most imaginative idea was a private limo to take me to a hotel where my prospective customer would be waiting blindfolded. He would never see me and I would get to practice my craft in total anonymity. Hmmmmm... the blindfolded option. I can see it now... blindfolds, scented candles, feathers, soft music.

But I digress.

This brings me to my most insistent of fans. The guys who just won't take no for an answer. They beg. They lie. They threaten. I'm used to it. There's just something amusing about a guy threatening to call the cops, or out me over the internet. Heck, one guy said that if I saw him as a customer, he would protect me from all the other nutcases who were threatening me. Now that's original.

So when my Techno-Nerd Velma told me that someone was trying to post addresses where they might find me, she took matters into her own hands and deleted them. The way I see it, it's probably best if I don't show any addresses for any place around here. This is the dilemma...

Let's say someone actually figures out where I am and gives out the real address. There might be an increase in business, but more likely there will be some very nice men in crisp, clean uniforms asking me to explain this written journal documenting several years worth of prosecutable offenses.

Now let's say someone posts the address for another business. Do I care? Our competitor gets more customers. But chances are some unsuspecting girls are going to end up getting harassed too. So it ends up being a lose-lose for everyone.

The truth is that since I've started this blog, lots of guys have now found me. At this point I probably get 1 or 2 guys a month that ask if I am or know CJ. And I tell them what I tell everyone else... "What the heck are you talking about?" And I can say that here because chances are that's what girls all over the valley are saying every day.

So I'm going to let Velma keep an eye on the blog and maybe even turn off the comments feature for now. Sorry about that guys. I really want some of this drama to end so I can get back to some good old fashioned tales of perversion!

CJ

Tales of an Erotic Blogger

Hey guys. Sorry that I disappeared again, but I was dealing with a lot of bullshit around here, not the least of which was the pain in the ass this blog has become. Not that I hate sharing stories or anything, but a reader turned me on to something that really got to me. Apparently, someone has (or rather had) been reposting my entire blog as their own website. I won't go into details since I don't want to give them any more attention than they deserve, but let's just say that when I saw it for myself I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I cried for like 2 days before I calmed down and figured out what to do.

I contacted my Techno-nerd Velma. She's a computer geek, so she figured out what to do. So a big Thank You to her and and an even bigger Thank You to the guy who originally emailed me about it. You know who you are!

I was pretty upset about the whole thing, but it's not the first time someone has tried to scam me concerning this blog. Apart from all the guys who've been trying to set up an appointment with me, there are some strange people out there that have gone to great length to try to fuck with me.

At first I was naive enough to fall for some of this shit. It was mostly guys just asking where I was located. But when I refused to give out that info, guys started to ask if there was anyone local I would recommend. I fell for that at first, and a few guys actually figured out where I was just by the process of elimination.

So now my policy is not to mention ANY parlors. Even the one owned by my girlfriend up north! Which is a damn shame because we could both use the business. But then I got a few offers from guys who wanted to do business with me. The most common was the offer of "Consultant" to some imaginary "Producer" who was working on some project about the inside world of massage parlors. But I think the most creative idea was for me to travel the country and perform my craft in various massage parlors around the country - or as I liked to call it, committing a misdemeanor on camera in multiple states.

Now one scam that I did fall for was a phony magazine interview. I have done a few interviews with people who have contacted me personally, the most famous of which was the disastrous Playboy Radio interview. So when this young lady contacted me from a very real magazine asking me if I'd chat with her about The Business, it was nothing unusual. She more or less proved that she was legitimate - in that she really was calling from the offices of a real publication. So I gladly called her for a little chat.

It was the usual stuff at first, "How long have you done this?" "Do you like it?" "What's the typical stuff that you do?" Etc... But then the questions changed.

"Do you see married men?" "Have you ever been confronted by a wife?" "Are you OK with what you do?" And my personal favorite... "Don't you know you ruin families?" Not that this last one was really a question, but I appreciated her sentiment. She wasn't asking me questions about The Business, she was trying to figure out if her husband was cheating on her.

From the general gist of her questions, I determined the answer was yes. I didn't tell her.

CJ