Freak Of The Week - Everything But The Kitchen Sink

I know I haven't done a freak of the week in a while, but I was recently inspired by a question someone brought up on Twitter.  I have to admit that recently there really hasn't been anyone all that freaky, so I'm going way back in time for this one.

 

The question was what is the most I've ever charged anyone?  Well, what I charge and what I've been tipped are 2 different things.  My typical sessions are usually around $150.  But when guys are generous, they tip on top of that.  So a couple extra bucks here and there isn't unusual.

 

As for what I charge, I usually have set prices for what we call "Extras."  Those are anything above and beyond the clothing options.  The most common extras I get requests for are breast release, dirty talk and foot worship.  

 

For most extras, I usually ask for $50.  Variations in the release (i.e. breast, butt, thigh, foot) I'll charge $100.  But the most expensive thing I charge for is roleplay, which I can get an extra $200 or more - depending on how extensive it is.  

 

My $50 extras include:

Dirty talk
Foot worship
Doubles (hand release before and after massage)
Lingerie (new with tags)
Heels (new with tags)
Excessive touching
Posing

Used panties

 

In general, these extras are just variations to the standard massage/happy ending session.  "Excessive touching" is more of a penalty than a tip.  If a customer is being too grabby/pinchy, I'll tell him it's an extra $50 and that usually ends it right there.  Now "Posing" is an interesting one.  That's where the customer insists on taking care of his own business, but he wants me in some very specific pose - like bent over a chair, or licking my nipples or something.

 

The $100 extras include:

Breast, thigh, butt, or foot release
Cum play
Costumes/wigs (new with tags)
Pics/video

Masterbation/Sex toys (new with tags)

Ball busting
Spanking

 

In the $100 range, the session is usually less about massage, and more about fetish.  Apart from the different releases, the most common $100 extra is masterbation/sex toys.  But pics/video is quickly gaining in popularity.  This is a tricky one, but I'll allow a customer to tape or photograph his happy ending as long as it does not show my face AND I get final approval.  I've deleted videos/pics that I thought revealed too much.

 

I charge more for costumes than lingerie because instead of a tiny little piece of fabric to stuff The Girls in, they are usually a complete outfit that involves some complicated ritual to either put on or take off.  Catholic school girl outfit is easily the most common costume, but others include french maid and dominatrix.  Weirdest costume you ask?  Hands down - teddy bear.  Not even a sexy teddy bear either, but a furry body suit with ears to match.

 

Cum play is simply when the customer wants to ejaculate on anything other than his own belly.  It could be the wall, someone else's belly, whatever.  But the most usual requests are for The Girls and my feet.  Most unusual request?  A guy wanted me to shoot it back into his own mouth.  And it worked too - he was able to twist his head up just enough for me to reach it.  

 

Costumes are usually combined with cum play, so it ends up being quite a bargain (assuming you define bargain as paying someone to soil their clothes).  I don't know what it is about guys and their costumes, but I'd say 9 times out of 10, that costume is getting a semen stain.  And that 1 time out of 10 is usually because the costume is scattered in pieces on the other side of the room.  

 

Now this brings me to my most expensive extra - roleplay.  It starts at $200 and goes up depending on how involved it is.  

 

Most common roleplay scenarios:

Babysitter/School girl
Secretary/girl next door
Domination
Masseuse

 

The whole babysitter thing has been done to death, but it's still one of the common things I get asked to do.  It's pretty much the "you've been a bad girl" theme that usually ends up with a spanking.  As for the secretary/girl next door, I combine those 2 because they are the classic "seduction" fantasy.  I'm either the secretary taking "Dick-tation" or the girl down the block that they've been secretly daydreaming about.  Either way, it's often based on a real girl in their lives who won't give them the time of day.  This time, however, they'll be able to talk her into a handjob.  The babysitter scenario requires a costume, while the secretary one I can usually do in (and out of) my street clothes.

 

I'm not a domme in my personal life, but I've learned enough over time to cover the basics.  I've even tough-talked a couple men into orgasms.  Masseuse is my personal favorite roleplay.  Basically, I just play a less slutty version of myself that gets talked into giving a handjob.  Sounds simple, but it involves an active seduction on the guy's part for the entire session.  I end up saying a lot of things like "that's not allowed!" or "don't touch me there!" before finally switching to "OK... just this once."

 

Weirdest roleplay?  Little Bo Peep who lost her sheep.  Not kidding.  Had a full costume and everything (which ended up in a semen covered pile in the corner of the room).  And the roleplay I will not do under any circumstances?  "Daddy's little girl" and "Sex slave."  I'll do domination stuff, but on the flip side I will NOT do slave stuff.  Too risky to put yourself in that situation.  And the daddy stuff just freaks me out, so don't even think about asking.

 

And finally that brings me to the Freak of the Week.  This was the single most expensive session I ever had.  I remember this guy specifically because he didn't care how much anything cost.  This was back in 2007 when EVERYONE had money.  I would not have been surprised if he was a drug dealer, mobster, or just robbed a bank.

 

Anyway, he had a very specific scenerio he wanted to play out.  He wanted me to answer to "Tina" - a bartender who just finished her shift.  He was a customer who wanted to seduce her (roleplay - $200).  I guess you could say it involved a costume because he had a T-shirt and sweatpants from a local college that I had to wear (costume - $100).  

 

"Tina" was supposed to talk dirty to him, until he got a hard-on (Dirty talk - $50).  At that point, he would pull off the T-shirt and then "tear-off" my bra.  He didn't have a new bra with tags, so I basically had to sell him mine (bra - $50).  Then while I'm topless, I would begin to use my hand on him.  When he was about to cum, he would make me stop and pull the sweatpants off me.  He didn't want me fully nude because he also wanted to buy my panties when we were done ($50).  Finally, he would bend me over the table and do a butt release with my G-string in place ($100).  Total price - $550.


Being able to sweet talk that little tramp Tina into jerking him off and cumming on her ass - priceless.


CJ

Trina's Tale: The Never-Ending Full Service

Trina keeps suprising me ever since I finally got her to open up.  I mean here we are co-workers and best friends, and it turns out she has a very sordid past.  I couldn't believe the latest bomb she dropped on me.

TRINA ONCE WENT FULL SERVICE.

That's right - my boring as wallpaper co-therapist took a walk on the dark side.  Or at least tried to.  It's complicated.

Apparently it happened around 2 years ago when business tanked,.  We were all hurting for money (myself included) and she said things got pretty desperate.  I remember back then that she lost a lot of Regulars.  And it didn't help that the walk-ins pretty much dried up too. 

She had this one customer that had asked about full service, and she explained that we're not that kind of place.  We'll call him Harvey.  He seemed OK with it, and went on with a regular session.  Then at the end, he told her that if she changes her mind, please give him a call.  And that was that.

Before I go on, let me explain that we have situations like this all the time,and it's really not a big deal.  Guys ask to fuck, to go down on them (or us), finger us, etc.  We just politely decline and tell them what we are and are not willing to do.  And leaving a phone number or business card is also perfectly normal.  

Well, around this time, Trina said she was already flat broke and was desperate to make ends meet.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - sometimes you're just one paycheck away from blowing some guy in a truck stop.  So she dug Harvey's number out of her purse and gave him a call.

"Uh... Harvey?  This is Trina.  From The Business?  Yeah, well I thought about what you said and I'm OK with it.  Yeah that's fine.  How about 7pm?  Where?  Uh...  Red Lobster."

Red Lobster?  Yes, she actually said Red Lobster.    Trina offered to meet a stranger for sex at a Red Lobster.  Of course sex between strangers at Red Lobster happens all the time, but most people prefer to call it "First Dates."

She meets him at the bar and he buys her a drink.  They start some nervous chit-chat when the bartender asks her if there's anything else they need.  Trina asks for a menu and orders dinner. 

At this point in the story, I asked her if she was planning a really strenuous hour of animal fucking and needed serious carbs to keep her going.  She said, "No, I was hungry."  

So now their little outcall appointment has turned into some kind of quasi-date, with Harvey racking up the expenses.  But at least they finally relaxed enough after the first round of drinks to start talking business.  Trina can't tell a story to save her life, so I'm going to summarize here what probably happened...

Trina:  So what did you have in mind?
Harvey: I don't know, straight sex.  What exactly will you do?
Trina:  I don't know.  I've never had sex with a customer before.
Harvey: Don't you have some kind of idea of what you want to do and for how much?
Trina: Well maybe we can bounce some things around and figure it out.

And this nonsense must have gone on for 45 minutes, or at least until the bill finally came.  I know, because I know Trina and this is how she negotiates EVERYTHING.  Whether it's what movie to go see or what to charge for a rim-job, the decision making process is always like pulling teeth with her.  In that exchange just replace the word "sex" with "Spiderman movie" and you'll get the idea.   I really felt sorry for Harvey at this point.

After Harvey pays the bill, they have finally decided on what to do and for how much.  She agreed to a "standard sex session" for $200 (NOT including the price of her meals and drinks).  Now they just have to figure out where to go.  A hotel?  His place? Her place?  Back of the car?   And the whole tooth-pulling process begins all over again...

After several more minutes, they decide on her place since it's close by.  She gives him directions and they drive over in separate cars.  As they pull up, she realizes her "Check Engine" light is on.  In a moment of panic, she asks Harvey what she should do, and he suggests dropping it off at the dealership.  So, she does what every working girl does before fucking her client - she asks him to drive across town to drop her car off.

It's now 3 hours into Harvey's full service "standard sex session" and they haven't even held hands yet.  What's that you say?  Dinner and a car trip couldn't possibly take 3 hours!  Oh I'm sorry... did I forget to mention that she made him stop at her friends house on the way back to pick something up?    Apparently what most people call errands, Trina calls foreplay.

They finally get back to her place - inside even.  And I can only guess Harvey's reaction to all the cat toys and Precious Moments figures on every flat surface.  Raging hard-on, right?  I hate going over there because of all the cat hair.  But the little bright eyed figurines kinda freak me out too.

She tells him to make himself comfortable, when Harvey finally speaks up.  "Hey, I gotta go soon so could we get started?"  Ahhh... the words every girl loves to hear.  And since she's never done full service before, she just takes a cue from work and tells him to go in the bedroom and get naked.  

Let me tell you that Trina's bedroom is usually a disaster area.  Between all the clothes lying around, and the sleeping cats, I bet Harvey had a time figuring out where to get "comfortable."  Somehow he manages and then Trina comes in and gets naked.

Now according to her, she said she wasn't going to do ANYTHING without a condom.  So she fished around in the nightstand and found a pack.  Then she worked Harvey with her hands until he was good and hard enough for her to put the rubber on him.  Trina said her whole professional life flashed before her eyes while she looked at this cock and realized what she was about to do with it.  So she closed her eyes and made the switch from "Erotic Masseuse" to "Escort" with one big gagging motion.

Trina's the first girl I know to quickly admit that she hates sucking dick.  And to make it worse, she's now doing it with a nasty tasting condom - which she has never done before with guys she's dated.  So this was a new experience for her - and a really unpleasant one made even worse.  

Men love blowjobs.  I know, I've dated men so take my word for it.  And if there's one thing I've learned about the art of giving head, there is nothing that turns a guy on more than a girl's total lack of enthusiasm.  Right?  The tightly shut eyes, the upturned nose, the look of disgust, and the purely mechanical motions  really get a guy going.  So Harvey must have been in heaven because this is pretty much how Trina described what happened.

She said that after a few minutes of rather un-inspired dick sucking, Harvey started to lose his erection.  Whether it was her lack of technique, or perhaps the cats on the bed staring at him, we'll never know.  What we do know is that he tried to manually correct the situation, but to no avail.  She apologized and said she would make it up to him later.

And she was not kidding.  A week later, she called him and tried to set up another "date."  Even offered to clean the place up and cook dinner for him.  They tried to set things up a couple times, but it always fell through.  Eventually, he stopped calling her back.  I asked if she got paid that first night, and she said yes.  And that was why she felt guilty and kept calling him for a makeup session.  She later decided that maybe escort work wasn't her cup of tea.

Trina may not have been the world's greatest hooker, but at least she was a fully guaranteed one.  

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Tweeter - Continued...

I started tweeting this week because I thought it would be fun to add a new "as it happens" perspective to The Business.  Not that I've ever really tried it before - I mean I'm used to sitting down and telling a whole story at a time, not a sentence or two.  It's totally different from what I'm used to saying because in a tweet I don't have room to really explain anything.

For example, I thought it would be kinda fun to try to tweet something while performing a happy ending.  Real simple, right?  Just type a few words on my phone with my right hand, while the left hand takes care of business.  Then we can all have a good laugh.

Holy shit - I didn't realize what a pain in the ass this can be.  First off, I couldn't find any customers willing to let me tweet about their session.  I've never seen such scared looks on customers before!  You would have thought I suggested taking their pic and texting it to their wife for goodness sake.

Second, I kinda forgot about the physical impracticalities of using the cell phone during a hand release.  I figured it would be easy since I always keep my phone on me during session.  I mute the phone, then put it next to the bottle stand so the customer can't see it from the table, but I can see the screen light up if anyone calls/texts. 

What I forgot about is that I use baby oil during the hand release, so I couldn't touch my phone even if I wanted to!  I tend to use both hands for the ending, which means I would have to plan on moving the phone over to the massage table and then starting the handjob with my left hand.  Meanwhile my customer has to be cool with all this nonsense, and if there's anything a guy does not appreciate during a happy ending it's distractions.

Then one customer seemed cool with the idea, but he ended up asking for a breast release, which made it impossible to use the phone at all.  Even though I keep my hands dry for those, I need both of them to keep The Girls in place else the angles and positions just don't work... it's complicated.

And finally, do you know how hard it is to clean semen off a phone?  Take it from me - a girl who's seen it happen to a couple customers who thought it would be fun to video their own happy ending.  You wanna hear something mean?  When a guy asks to tape the hand release, I wait until he's about ready to cum, then I deliberately aim his load at the camera.  Of course I apologize innocently afterwards.  "I'm sorry...  I didn't realize you were going to have such a big load!  When was the last time you got laid?  Jeez."

Well, I'll keep trying to get that elusive tweet in the middle of the action, just give me some time.  In the meanwhile, it's kinda fun to just say whatever I want about work as it's happening.  It's the kind of thing I can never do with most friends and family.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Tweeter

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am now on twitter!  Check me out at happyendingzcj.

I figured it would be more fun to tweet shit while it happens!

Cj

Our Little Girl Is Growing Up

There comes a time in every girl's life where her mom sits her down and awkwardly attempts to explain the facts of life.  In my case, it was my mom reluctantly describing the beautiful act of "relations" between married people for the express purpose to make babies.  I remember what a joy it was to watch her stutter over the word "penis" and what its job was.  Meanwhile all I wanted to know was if pulling out really was the best method of birth control, and if semen caused tooth decay.

 Well, the closest thing to explaining the birds and bees finally happened to me at work when Kimmie pulled me aside and asked if it's OK for a customer to "do things to my feet."  Ahhhhhh Kimmie...  I remember my first foot worshiper - and how I was fascinated at what lengths guys will go to sodomize them.  


"Sit down Kim," I started.  "I don't think I've filled you in on all the rules yet."


Now that I'm running The Business, Audrey's rules are still pretty much my rules.  In a nutshell, the rules are pretty much as follows:


1)  No penetration
2)  Door and clothing option prices are fixed
3)  No one under 21
4)  Nothing after hours (or offsite)
5)  Dress conservatively

The first one goes without saying.  We are a massage parlor - not a brothel.  This is what keeps us off the radar screens and allows us to operate without too much hassle from the town.  Even though some of us (Audrey you slut I'm talking about you) may violate it from time to time, it's still the biggest rule we have.

Our prices for the basic services are fixed.  They have to be, else the girls start to undercut each other in order to steal customers.  Then before you know it, guys are coming in off the street and demanding blowjobs for $25 because "Crystal does it." Seen it tear apart other businesses, so it's something we all have to stick to in order for it to be fair to everyone.

We don't serve minors, and to be safe we card anyone who doesn't look 21.  I know that 20 isn't a minor, but it's just another one of those things that keeps us off the radar screens.  The last thing we need is someone's mom bursting through our doors demanding to know why her minivan is parked out front when Tommy said he was going to the movies and... OH MY GAAAAAWD WHAT IS THIS PLACE?  And if you think that scenario is weird, try the dad's who bring their son's in for their "first time."  No thanks - we'll just keep throwing out anyone under 21.


The Business does not offer outcall service.  For newbies out there, that's when the girl comes to your place.  We also don't like it when girls do sessions beyond our normal business hours.  Once again, odd hours of operation are a red flag to the cops, so we try to avoid it.  Also, it's just safer to work within our set schedule, that way I know when the place is supposed to be empty.


And lastly, it's a house rule that we all dress conservatively.  For you fans of "The Client List" it's totally unrealistic (and dangerous) to have the entire staff walking around in lingerie.  You never know who's walking through that door at any given time.  Could be a woman booking a therapeutic session, or maybe the guy next door asking if Fedex has been by yet.  Or it could be a cop.  In any case, the rule is to keep our clothing options INSIDE the room.  Best outfit for work - jeans and a polo shirt. 


I told Kimmie that it's perfectly OK to have a guy do stuff to her feet, as long as she's comfortable with it.  Then I gave her advice on how to deal with "extras" (any requests above and beyond the basic massage and hand release).  Turns out that she's been saying "We don't do that" more than a few times.  Boy, that brought back memories...  I remember using that exact phrase when I first started working.  Except that I was using it when customers asked where their happy ending was.  Whoops.


Kimmie's eyes got big when I told her about the "Breast release."  And I thought she was going to run out of the room when I mentioned the "Butt release."  


"Ewwwwwwwww... Why would a guy want to cum on my ass?"  


I didn't even blink.  "Why would a guy want to fuck your feet?  It's our job to let the customer know what we are and aren't comfortable with in the room.  This is the kinda stuff that they're afraid to ask from their girlfriends.  So be prepared to get a lot of questions about all sorts of things you've never heard of before.  Just relax and remember what the rules are.  And if you ever get confused about what's allowed, just come out of session and ask me.  Oh - and don't ask Maude anything.  She's a prude."   


Now that was a Birds-and-Bees speech any mom would have been proud of.


CJ



 




 

The Help

I don't want to jinx anything yet, but I think I finally found the "New Girl."  In fact, I'm so hopeful that I'll actually give her a name - we'll call her "Kimmie."  Let's just hope that she lasts long enough for me to talk about her again.


I found her in the weirdest way too - she was recommended by a customer.  Turns out she was doing housekeeping for this guy, and he eventually discovers that she used to do massage therapy before moving here.  Typical story too - followed her boyfriend up here, then they break up.  She's stuck in the middle of no where with no money and ends up doing odd jobs.  


And that's when Kimmie hears about The Business.  She came in for an interview and we clicked almost immediately.  I mean, she sounds professional, responsible, and trustworthy - everything  men look for in a handjob.  


Actually, she's a very pretty, heavyset brunette (in case you were wondering).  Not that that's important to me at this point.  All I wanted was a girl who could tell time and didn't have a drug addiction.  Instead I got a professional masseuse with a sense of humor and an open mind.  


Hey - that's pretty much how I got started in The Business.  So I gave Kimmie a chance and explained to her how it works around here.  She said it's pretty much what she's done before, except for that little bit at the end.  I suggested that she just pretend she's on a first date with a guy and it's going really really well.  "That's not the point," she says.  "I really don't know how to use my hand on a man."  


Really?  I mean REALLY?  I always thought it was pretty much a required skill in order to graduate high school.  But not for Kimmie.  She found it was easier to blow a guy than jerk him off.  I guess I could see the logic in that, but if that's the case then what was she saving for the 2nd date?


So here I am stuck with an erotic masseuse who doesn't know how to give a hand release.  What's a girl to do?  Well, I'm a professional who's been doing this for long enough, so I did what I had to do - handjob lessons.


If you think teaching someone how to jerk a dick is awkward, try being the test subject.  I took Kimmie and had her sit in the lobby during my next appointment.  25 minutes later, I cracked open the door to my room and told her to come in.  I can only imagine what was going through her mind as she walked in on her first erotic massage session.  


"John" and I were completely naked.  He was on lying on the table, but managed a "hello" when she walked in.  I told her to stand next to me at the table.  I've taught new girls before, but never really a "hands on" demonstration (pun fully intended).  I oiled up my hands and told her to pay attention.  I started off with the standard one-handed tug, using my left hand to work the shaft and playing with the balls using the right.  Best to start off slow.  My infamous double handed criss-cross technique is way too advanced for a newbie.


Kimmie just watched during that first session.  I wanted her to study a happy ending from start to finish.  It's not just the hand release she has to learn, but the whole ritual of how to initiate, perform and finish.  Some places leave the customer to clean up after themselves, but I've always found that as rather low class.  I think the cleanup afterwards is just another part of the whole experience, and if done properly, it can be very sensual and memorable for the customer.


The next session I had Kimmie actually perform the hand release - under my direction.  "Bill" didn't mind.  In fact, I think he rather enjoyed having 2 girls in the room.  BUT - it didn't go very well.  Hey - Rome wasn't built in a day, right?  Her problem was the the standard newbie mistake of jerking mechanically.  That technique may actually work  when your boyfriend is 16, but should get more sophisticated as you get older.   Eventually, I just told her to stop and I took over and finished the job.


It was Trina the following day that had a breakthrough with Kimmie.  And by breakthrough I mean she actually brought her first customer to orgasm.  Luckily, that was the hard part of the training process.  The 2nd part is just taking your clothes off, which she apparently had no problem with.  


It's been almost 2 weeks now, and she's worked 8 shifts (all supervised).  She's a quick learner, and has even got a repeat customer!  Not bad for a newbie.  So now Trina and I have actually started talking about plans for the summer.  Now a couple more girls and maybe I can retire.


CJ

Q&A 7

Hey guys.  I've haven't been paying nearly as much attention to the comments as I should lately.  So today I'm going to try to catch up on your questions.

What did Maude say?
She won't tell me exactly.  When I asked her, I wanted to know so I could use it myself if needed.  She just said that from where she's from, she has assholes like that for breakfast.  I asked what she would have done if he had pulled a gun or something, and she said "Do you really think I've never had to stare down a guy with a gun before?" 

Holy crap - I'm glad she's on my side!!!

Have you guys avoided being placed on review sites such as xxxxxx and xxxxxx
You can't.  In fact, The Business is on several that include the northeast.  I just make a point not to give them any plugs because there are more than a few forums dedicated to finding me and The Business. 

What I can say about the escort/massage review sites is that they can be a blessing and a curse.  I say curse because they talk so much shit on those things.  I don't know how many times guys have posted total lies about me and what I will and won't do in the room. 

Then on rare occasion there will be a decent, truthful review about me.  And it doesn't necessarily have to be positive.  I've had guys flat out say don't bother seeing me if you want full service.  That's fine with me because it's true!  What I hate is when some asshole goes on and on about what a ripoff I am because I wouldn't suck his dick.  Hello - we're a MASSAGE PARLOR!!  If you're going to bother to use the review sites, at least do your homework and find out what kind of place we are first!

Hey CJ, can you give an idea of current prices for certain services?
I have described prices all over this blog.  Start with the blog entries I have highlighted on the side of the page here.  But if you are talking about  a particular kink or fantasy request, you can always e-mail me directly.  In general though, I usually charge $50 per "extra." 

Have any of your coworkers discovered the blog?
Trina and Cindy have known about the blog ever since the beginning.  In fact, Trina actually did a guest post for me (she hated it).  And Cindy... well let's just say that letters and words aren't her thing.

Audrey never found out (thank goodness), which is almost a surprise considering how much she surfs the internet for anything related to The Business.  I swear, she will know about a post about us on one of those review sites within a day.  She's that good.  I don't know if she still does considering she doesn't work here anymore. 

As for Maude - if it's not on Ebay, then it doesn't exist.

The closet thing I've ever come to anyone finding out about the blog had nothing to do with the internet.  It was that disastrous Playboy Radio interview a few years ago that almost did me in.  Almost immediately after appearing as a call in guest, I had two people on the phone telling me they heard this woman on the radio who sounded just like me - AND SHE WORKED IN A MASSAGE PARLOR!

"Ha ha, isn't that funny" I said.  I never would have guessed how many people listen to that damn show.

I am curious about your crisis moment when you allowed the guy to finger you.  Why did you do that?
If you remember that story, I was at rock bottom.  I needed the money.  At least I thought I did.  Now the extra $100 I got that day is long gone.  But it took a very very long time for me to regain my self respect. 

What is the most amount of real O's Trina has ever had in a day?
Believe it or not, I actually did ask her this question when she finally confessed to me.  I think she said 5 or 6.  And it included fucking her boyfriend later that night.

You sometimes mention police raids or officers who try to infiltrate a Business.  I was wondering if you ever had an experience with anything like that?
Not as such - and not because we're lucky or we pay off anyone.  We see cops around here on a regular basis.  We're just smart about the whole thing.  Not being full service goes a long way in keeping you off the radar screens.

But don't get me wrong.  The local cops know we're here and they know we're a parlor.  They just leave us alone because when we're not jerking off horny truckers, we could be giving a therapeutic session to Officer Smith's Nana. And occasionally when Nana is not around, Officer Smith will stop by for a non-theapeutic session of his own.

As for stings, I'm not really worried.  First off, we can usually spot a cop a mile away because we know there are certain things they are allowed and not allowed to do in the room.  Second.  it's just not worth all the time and money for them to stake out a parlor, send in phony customers, and then entrap the girl for offering a handjob.  At the most all they're gonna get to stick in court is a public indecency or lewdness charge. 

And then Nana gets upset because her favorite "girl" is gone...
 
I'm wondering if your parlor offers "doubles" i.e. 2 masseuses doing the massage. 
Yes we do, and we call them "Doubles" or "Four Hands."  It's basically double the price and with that you get 2 sets of hands performing the massage.  Guys tell me it's an incredible experience to get 2 separate areas of their body done at the same time.   As for the happy ending, we've discovered that unless you're hung like a porn star, it's rather awkward to have 2 girls perform the hand release.  So what we usually do is have 1 girl take care of the release, and the other girl will do a tease to sort of hurry things along.

When I'm in a double, I'll usually take care of the release while the other girl massages either his thighs or pecs.  If I really like the customer I'll occasionally, let the other masseuse do the release while I lean over the guys head and let The Girls bounce in front of his face. 

Really CJ.  How could you possibly not want to talk about Trina being sluttier than you thought?
Hey - I just discovered that too.  Besides, it's only been recently that she's started to share stories.  I mean, I thought I knew her, and what her sessions were like.  Boy was I wrong.  I hope to change all that with my new feature "Trina's Tale."

What's a phone book?
It's this thing that people used to get information about local businesses in the old days.  And right under the heading of "Massage - Non-Therapeutic," there were listings for your local massage parlor.  It used to be that simple.

But now with the internet, most people think you can find a parlor more easily online.   The problem is if you just google "massage parlor" and your home town, you'll probably get tons of nonsense and useless information.  Or if you're lucky enough to find a real post on Craigslist or any of it's clones, it'll probably be just phone numbers and vague references to "relaxation" or "soft touch."

A good old fashioned phone book, or even newspaper used to provide not just a phone number, but an actual address of genuine parlors in town.  Then it was up to you to decipher the ads to figure out if it's "that kind" of place or not. 

Call me old school, but I prefer it that way.  We have some ads posted on the internet, but it's just not the same.  I know that we need to embrace the future and try to get some online presence OTHER than the parlor review sites, where we get to control the content of the ad.  But it's so hard, especially since things like Craigslist have come down on the adult ads. 


Are there camera's in your room?
Not in the room, but on the premises. 

Are there secret passages in rooms just in case of raiding?
Are you kidding?  You try to build a "secret passage" using bonded labor, building permits, and landlord permission for all mods.

You're probably talking about something you've seen on TV or the movies.  That's one of the reasons why I hate "The Client List."  It's such bullshit and people just assume it's all real.  Take for example their back rooms.  I love the way all the girls just walk around half naked all day.  Now if that place was raided, you try explaining that you're a legit health spa when your employees are all wearing trashy lingerie.  

At The Business, we usually wear a polo shirt and slacks or jeans.  Very plain is the rule.  Cindy used to show up in tube tops and daisy dukes, but I had to say something.  

We also have another rule of nothing incriminating in the rooms.  No condoms, no lingerie, no sex toys - nothing.  If a customer wants to see us in lingerie, they have to bring it in themselves AND it must be new with tags.  Gawd forbid we ever are raided (or even inspected per the new laws), there will be NOTHING improper lying around.


Is sabotaging between competitors common?
In a way yes, but nothing like calling the cops and turning in our fellow masseuses.  At the most we'll bad mouth other girls at other businesses.  It's not good practice though because you never know when you're gonna be out of a job and knocking on the competitions door.   

I heard that sex-related industries are usually backed by gangs and mafias as a front for money laundering.
Some definitely are.  For example, we experienced a huge crackdown last year on massage parlors in this area.  Turns out that most of our local Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) were being managed by organized crime out of New York City. 

I'm probably going to get a lot of shit from some guys about "not all parlors use sex slaves" - particularly from the west coast.  But fact of the matter is that I'm just reporting what was in the news as it was happening here.  The FBI got involved and they raided around 2 dozen places over the course of 18 months - most of them Asian.  They discovered that most of the girls were illegals who were trucked in from NYC.  And to top it off, one of the local "Mama-sans" was murdered in broad daylight shortly after her parlor was closed.

In comparison, the local American parlors are not run by the mob or gangs.  Assholes who harass and ripoff their girls maybe, but not organized crime.

Does it make me a whore if I want to do this for a living?
No.  It just means that you care deeply for your fellow man.  Really really deeply.


And that's it for Q&A 7.  Lots of weirdness going on around here, so I'll try to get to it next time.  Till then...

CJ

Now Hiring

Hey guys...  Long time I know.  With the good weather and the pick up in business, the last thing I felt like doing was sitting down in front of a computer.  In fact, I've barely had the time.  Let me explain...
I think I mentioned last time that we hired a new girl.  Well, that was soooooooooo 20 minutes ago.  Since then we've actually gone through 3 girls.  Ya see, spring is here and Trina and I want help so we can finally do that Vegas trip we've been talking about forever.  Heck, I'd be happy to get a whole weekend off at this point.  So I've gotten to the point where I'll pretty much hire anything that walks through the door with tits and no visible needle tracks.

Yes, it's that bad.  You would think it's easy to find a girl with massage experience who's also:

Clean looking
Attractive
Pleasant conversation
Punctual

I'm sorry, but I guess my list forgot to mention FULL SERVICE and VIOLENT PIMP because that seems to be the only kind of girls who apply.

It's been a month now since I hired a pretty little Mexican girl. She walked in and asked for a job.  I hired her on the spot when she said she used to work at a place I'm familiar with.  That place was notoriously full service, so I should have kept an eye on her.  In fact, I should have suspected something when on her first day she had like 6 appointments already lined up.  I mean it's not unusual for girls in The Business to have fans that will follow from place to place, but that was just ridiculous.  

Her brief employment went something like this... 

Day 1 - Amazingly busy
Day 2 - Insanely busy
Day 3 - Suspiciously busy
Day 4 - Why are you so busy?
Day 5 - What do you mean you've been advertising The Business as full service on the internet?
Day 6 - You're fired

It turns out she was advertising her services without my knowledge.  Not that The Business wasn't making money -  we were cleaning up on the door fee.  But as you all know, we are not supposed to be a full service establishment, and the LAST thing I need is someone posting that all over the internet.  

And that was just the first girl I hired.  

Then there was Girl #2 - a skinny, pale, quiet girl with a massage license.  Mind you, it was from a different state, but at that point I didn't care.    She showed up on time!  She did a good job!  The customers liked her!  I think she's going to ...hey wait a minute... why is her boyfriend sitting out in the parking lot all day?

Actually it was Maude who noticed.  Maude sees everything.  And she noticed on the second day that there was a guy sitting in a car outside all day long.  At first she thought it was someone scoping out The Business, but then Girl #2 went out to the car a couple of times during her shift.  

Maude told me all about it the next day, so when #2 came in I sat her down and told her that we can't afford to have anyone hanging out like that.  We are not the only business at this address, and people lurking in the parking lot is not a my idea of keeping a low profile.  So she went outside and a few minutes later a car went tearing out of the parking lot.  Problem solved.

The next day, #2 was scheduled for the evening shift with Trina.  According to her, #2 was dropped off by the boyfriend around 4.  Then around 7, this guy comes storming into The Business and starts demanding to know where #2 is.  Before Trina can say anything, she comes running up from the back room and begs the guy to go outside to "talk."  They go outside where there is even more yelling.  #2 comes back in, runs to the back and then runs back out, hands something to the boyfriend, then he leaves.  She later tells Trina that he was upset because he needed some cash for dinner and it was nothing.  

Trina called me that night and told me everything so I wouldn't be surprised the next time it happened.  I had #2 for the next morning shift.  But lucky for me I also had Maude.

The Boyfriend came storming in around noon.  I guess he hadn't had lunch yet because he was screaming something about "my money."  As Trina described before, #2 came running up, handed him a wad of cash, and he disappeared.  

Maude pulled me aside and we talked for a while about what to do.  I mean, #2 was a decent enough worker, but I couldn't have this kind of drama going on in a setting that requires discretion.  I said we can't afford to let this happen again.  Maude said "I got this one."

Two days later, during the day shift there was another "episode" with #2 and boyfriend.  Trina was there and she told me that he came bursting in and yelling again.  But this time Maude stepped out from behind the desk and actually got the guy to go outside.  Something was said and he left before #2 could come running up with the contents of her purse.  That night I got the call from #2 that this job wasn't for her and she was moving on.

To this day I still have no idea what Maude said to this guy, but I guess when you live in her neighborhood, your people skills are slightly more robust than usual.  Thank goodness she works the front desk instead of me!

CJ

Trina's Tale

Since you've guys have been asking, I'm starting a new thing where I feature stories from Trina - when I can squeeze them out of her.  Let me tell ya, getting her to say anything even half way interesting is like pulling teeth.  And I'm calling it "Trina's Tale" because it's her stories, but it can also be a reference to her ass.  Get it?  Am I a witty genius or what!


Anyway, I figured I'd start it now instead of updating you on the nonsense which is The Business, because I don't know if I ever want to go through the process of extracting gossip out of Trina ever again.  Let me explain.


It all started a few weeks ago when Trina revealed to me that she can actually get herself off during a session.  In fact, not only can she have an orgasm in front of a client, she practically insists upon it.     Heck, sometimes she even forgets to charge extra for the show!


Well, a couple days ago I finally had an opportunity to grill her about what else she does in the room that I don't know about.  Turns out to be quite a lot.  But I thought her most interesting story was and still is the masterbation show.  This is where she takes care of her own business (sometimes with the help of toys) while the client watches.  This is not terribly shocking since I do my own variation of this, except that I fake the finger insertion and the orgasm.


Trina does not.


In fact, she feels that she owes the customer the very best O-face that she can deliver each time.  Now that's what I call customer service.  In her own words, "They're paying me and I like cumming.  It's a win-win for everyone.  Right?"


So I asked her all sorts of questions... How often do you get a request for this extra?  How much do you charge?  Do you allow the guys to help out, or is it strictly hands off?  Do they typically just watch or do they take care of their own business?  I mean, I was looking at Trina in a whole new light and I was truly fascinated and curious.  How often does a girl you've known for half your life really surprise you with something new?


Well here are the facts as presented by Trina:


1) She charges $40 for the show.  Why not round it off at $50 you ask?  "Because most guys only carry $20's on them."


2) Since she's been doing this for a while, word has spread and about half her Regulars ask for it each and every time they do a session.


3) She does not allow the guys to "help out" during the show, but she does allow a select few to rub her legs or even breasts.  In fact, she says her favorite position is to sit on the guys lap and finger herself while he massages her breasts.  According to her, there's nothing like a good nipple pinch to help move things along.


4) Most guys take care of their own business while she takes care of hers.  She said it's a great perk when a customer is willing to do what is essentially her job.  Shit - even I have to agree with her on this one.


Finally I asked her what was the wildest session she's ever had.  And this brings us to my next installment of Freak of the Week.  Gary - The Toy Boy.


When she began to tell me the story of Gary, I remembered him.  He was a Regular of hers for a couple years.  Short guy, balding, with little round glasses.  I remember him as being very quiet.  At least he never said 2 words to me whenever I was working the front desk.  He was Trina's biggest fan for reasons I will make apparent.


He enjoyed her masterbation show, and over the course of time took it to new levels.  She was comfortable enough with him to allow him to start bringing in toys.  We're talking various kinds of dildos, vibrators, etc.  Standard rules applied - toys are OK as long as they are new and in the box.  That's my rule too.  So after a short while, she began to build up a pretty substantial collection.  


Well, she couldn't bring them home to her boyfriend, and she couldn't leave them at work (another standard rule - nothing incriminating can be kept on site such as toys, lingerie, etc.).  So Gary began toting this ever increasing toy collection to and from each session.


Things between them began to get a little more personal.  And this is one of those points in our conversation where I had to pry really hard to get the real story out of Trina.  I kept trying to get her to explain the word "personal" and she confessed that she eventually gave Gary the OK to use the toys on her.  In other words, he was allowed to use a dildo on her while she worked her clit with her own fingers.  


I have to admit, I was totally shocked by this admission.  I used to think she was a prude (well, at least as prudish as jerking guys off for a living can get).  And then Trina tells me "Hold on... letting a guy work a dildo is nothing.  You wanna know the weird thing?"


Well asking me if I wanted to know more was kinda overly dramatic.  I mean I spent an hour of badgering, pressuring and even threatening just to get to that juicy little tidbit about the toys.  Now she's offering up the "weird thing?"  


"Do tell" I said.


"After a while Gary started to get more bold and would make all sorts of new suggestions.  Most of them were an automatic 'no' on my part.  But some were OK, like would I wear high heels, or pretend I was a nun, or suck on one dildo while he fucked me with another."  


My head was spinning too, but bear with me while I finish this story...


"And then one day Gary straight up asked me 'Can I fuck you with a strap on?'  A strap on what? I asked.  I was confused - wasn't a 'strap on' something that dykes used on each other?  Gary explained that since he couldn't actually fuck me, the next best thing would be to wear a fake dick and fuck me with it instead."


So Trina explained in gory detail how Gary brought in a genuine harness with a small selection of attachments.  Trina picked out something that wasn't too intimidating and gave Gary the OK.  I guess his junk was packed behind the base of the dildo, so he would at least get the sensation of thrusting his pelvis as if he were actually fucking her.  Trina said they tried it  at first from behind, and with the help of lots of lube, she actually managed to get off. 


In later sessions, she allowed him to "fuck" her from on top - missionary style.  I asked her if he really got off on this, and she said "OH YEAH. - It was pretty damn real for him."  It was so real to him, in fact, that he would be fucking her and in mid stride start cumming inside the harness.  


I thought I had seen it all until I heard this story.  Now I feel like I'm the prude around here.  And that's Trina's Tale - who knew?


CJ

It Never Rains....

Hi guys.  Sorry it's been so long but all the drama around here makes it hard to think sometimes.  And to make it worse, it's all crap I don't want to talk about.  Makes for no inspiration in the story department.  But to sum things up, I guess you could say a lot has happened over the last couple of weeks...

1) Derek and I finally had it out
2) Tax refund season has kicked in
3) We hired a new girl
4) Trina is sluttier than I thought
5) Cindy borrowed money from me
6) Audrey wants back in (kinda)

Now outta all that, the only thing I'm really in the mood to talk about are taxes and maybe the new girl.  Everything else kinda makes my palms sweat, and my breathing shallow.  And I start to see red.  Or cry.  You get my meaning.

Now let me start off by saying that it's nice that all the assholes finally stopped posting their guesses as to where I am located.  I can breathe a sigh of relief over that one and I once again thank Velma for taking care of that little problem for me.  This seems to happen every now and then, and it drives me nuts each time.  I mean, I wish I could just tell the world who I am and where I am, but then again, this is puritanical America and I'd probably be hauled off to jail for that most serious of crimes  -- jerking guys off.  

Anyway, tax season is finally at an end, which means it's my favorite season of all - tax refund season.  That is a massage parlors best time of the year.  And it's probably because when you combine all that stress and agony over preparing your taxes, with the giant sigh of relief of getting a big fat check in the mail, you get that perfect storm.  And what do you do when you're a stressed out guy with a fistful of cash?  You crack open that phone book and find your local massage parlor!

Or strip club, or liquor store.  If you're from around here, maybe the bait and tackle shop.

And let me take a moment here to address all you newbies out there that have been asking me questions on how to find your local parlor.  Businesses are all around you, all you have to do is look.  Hell, I had one guy tell me that he read in the paper that a parlor was open right down the street from his house in the middle of a neighborhood!  The only reason it finally got busted was because the Mama-san who ran the place told the neighbors who politely asked her to turn off the flood lights in the driveway to go fuck themselves.  But my point is that we're a lot closer than you think.

The easiest place to look is the phone book.  Really.  Just crack it open to "massage."  Now skip any place that says "LMT" or "Hair and nails" in the description.  Next, skip any place that sounds asian, and you're probably looking at an ad for a good old fashioned American massage parlor.  OBVIOUS tips in the ad - look for late hours and the words "now hiring."  I don't know why a lot of places want you to know that they're hiring, they just are.  

If the yellow pages don't work for you, try your local weekly entertainment paper.  You know the kind - the free ones in front of the supermarket.   Chances are the back pages are filled with ads for escorts and massage parlors.  

One customer told me that the way he found out about The Business was from a news story on television.  It was all about how a local prostitution ring was busted operating inside some guys house.  But what was so great about the story was that it pointed out 3 very important details:

1)  Escort agencies and parlors place ads in the back of entertainment papers.
2)  This guys business charged $250/hour.
3) This price was "high."

I don't know who writes their news stories, but thanks to him he basically told everyone in the tri-state area where to find a Business.  How much to expect to pay.  And based on the news man's personal experience he has never paid more than $250.

And last but not least there is the internet.  Those of you who have read most of this nonsense I call a blog may have noticed that I don't endorse the internet as a place to find parlors.  That is because The Business does not advertise that way (we are soooooooo 90's).   Not that you won't find something on Craigslist or any of the multiple escort/parlor websites out there.  The problem is that you never know what you're going to get.  

We are a good old fashioned Business located in a dedicated space in a building that you can drive to, walk around, read our sign, chat with Maude, etc.  In cyberspace you don't know what you're getting yourself into.  Hell - anyone remember that guy who robbed and killed girls on craigslist?  A lot of amateur masseuse wannabees are out there, and with only a few minutes of typing, they can convince you they are the erotic masseuse of your dreams.  

But when you get there, you discover it's really a women twice the age she described who looks nothing like the Glamour shot she sent you, inside her dirty, cigarette-smoke filled apartment.  And nothing ruins the mood of a full-body sensual massage quicker than spotting the waste paper basket filled with used condoms and the baby crying in the other room.

THAT is why I suggest you just start with a phone book.  Now cash that damn check and get your ass in here!

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic TV Critic

Trina and I made it a point to sit down and watch the Client List. Made popcorn and everything. And after watching it we only had one question...

Where is this place and are they hiring?

Let me tell you, we laughed our asses off for an entire hour. And not just at the wildly fake stuff either - but at the parts they actually got right. I mean there were some bits in there where Trina and I just looked at each other and said "Remember that!?" I mean who hasn't left work to find the word "whore" spray painted on her car? Heck, around here we used to call that Tuesday.

Now I pray that no one who watches this crap thinks this is really what it's like inside a massage parlor. I could only dream of working in a place this fancy and with a clientele of very rich young men who apparently have a LOT of time to exercise. And the one guy who's not great looking is emotionally frail and wants to talk about his FEELINGS... which basically makes The Client List a perfect example of porn for women.

Let me tell ya, if I wasn't too busy laughing my ass off, I would have been taking care of my own business. But that doesn't mean it was all BS. In fact, they did manage to get some things right. For example:

1) The Rub actually reminded me a lot of the first place I worked. Not so much because it was all swank, but more of the dynamic between the girls. Everyone had a story, and between 6 different girls, there was no lack of drama.

2) Sensitive guys who want to talk. Believe it or not, some guys just want to talk. There is definitely something about being naked in front of a total stranger that can get men to talk about some of their deepest secrets. Some of the many roles I play in session (apart from schoolgirl and babysitter) is confidante and psychiatrist. They pour their hearts out and I listen and throw in my two cents. I don't know how many times I've listened to husbands ask for advice about their wives, and I help them out as best I can. Of course I still end up jerking them off afterwards, but at least they're trying to improve their relationships at home.

3) Occasional profanity scrawled on a car. OK - maybe not all that often, but we've all felt the wrath of an angry spouse who has finally tracked down where all those credit card statements have been coming from. Of course those confrontations never ended with the wife crying and begging for advice on pleasing her man.

Now for all the phony stuff. The biggest inaccuracies would probably be...

1) Plethora of hot young male customers. Forget it. Total fiction. Not in a million year. You want to know what our typical customers look like? Try visiting Walmart after 11pm on a Thursday night.

2) Boss with a heart of gold. Really? Total cliche. After all the stories I've told you about Audrey, how could anyone believe this. Most owners are either greedy women fighting you for customers, or pervy guys who are nothing more than pimps in polo shirts.

3) Endless supply of sexy lingerie. I have to admit that Jennifer looked good in each individual outfit she had for each customer, but truth of the matter is that I'm usually performing in my own bra and panties. And when a guy does bring in something for me to wear, it's usually the cheapest polyester made-in-china shit you can find in the clearance bin of K-Mart. Words cannot do justice to some of the tasteless ensembles I've been asked to wear. Of course, when most outfits are destined to be cum-stained trash at the end of the session, I guess the quality isn't terribly important.

4) Wives asking us for advice. Yeah right. Asking us to rot in hell and die, maybe - but not for advice.

I think this series has potential, but the problem is that it's totally for chicks - not dudes. And that's not surprising considering it's on Lifetime. What guys want is something on HBO that would feature lots of hot topless women who's actual job description is getting guys off. Now that would be the REAL Client List.

CJ

I can't see any readers if I want to remain anonymous

That is probably the most common thing I say in emails. I really wish I didn't have to say it since we could really use the business, but I need to protect myself. Most guys are cool with it, but then there are some of my more zealous fans who try flattery, bribery and on the rare occasion cajolery to get me to change my mind.

I think the most imaginative idea was a private limo to take me to a hotel where my prospective customer would be waiting blindfolded. He would never see me and I would get to practice my craft in total anonymity. Hmmmmm... the blindfolded option. I can see it now... blindfolds, scented candles, feathers, soft music.

But I digress.

This brings me to my most insistent of fans. The guys who just won't take no for an answer. They beg. They lie. They threaten. I'm used to it. There's just something amusing about a guy threatening to call the cops, or out me over the internet. Heck, one guy said that if I saw him as a customer, he would protect me from all the other nutcases who were threatening me. Now that's original.

So when my Techno-Nerd Velma told me that someone was trying to post addresses where they might find me, she took matters into her own hands and deleted them. The way I see it, it's probably best if I don't show any addresses for any place around here. This is the dilemma...

Let's say someone actually figures out where I am and gives out the real address. There might be an increase in business, but more likely there will be some very nice men in crisp, clean uniforms asking me to explain this written journal documenting several years worth of prosecutable offenses.

Now let's say someone posts the address for another business. Do I care? Our competitor gets more customers. But chances are some unsuspecting girls are going to end up getting harassed too. So it ends up being a lose-lose for everyone.

The truth is that since I've started this blog, lots of guys have now found me. At this point I probably get 1 or 2 guys a month that ask if I am or know CJ. And I tell them what I tell everyone else... "What the heck are you talking about?" And I can say that here because chances are that's what girls all over the valley are saying every day.

So I'm going to let Velma keep an eye on the blog and maybe even turn off the comments feature for now. Sorry about that guys. I really want some of this drama to end so I can get back to some good old fashioned tales of perversion!

CJ

Tales of an Erotic Blogger

Hey guys. Sorry that I disappeared again, but I was dealing with a lot of bullshit around here, not the least of which was the pain in the ass this blog has become. Not that I hate sharing stories or anything, but a reader turned me on to something that really got to me. Apparently, someone has (or rather had) been reposting my entire blog as their own website. I won't go into details since I don't want to give them any more attention than they deserve, but let's just say that when I saw it for myself I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I cried for like 2 days before I calmed down and figured out what to do.

I contacted my Techno-nerd Velma. She's a computer geek, so she figured out what to do. So a big Thank You to her and and an even bigger Thank You to the guy who originally emailed me about it. You know who you are!

I was pretty upset about the whole thing, but it's not the first time someone has tried to scam me concerning this blog. Apart from all the guys who've been trying to set up an appointment with me, there are some strange people out there that have gone to great length to try to fuck with me.

At first I was naive enough to fall for some of this shit. It was mostly guys just asking where I was located. But when I refused to give out that info, guys started to ask if there was anyone local I would recommend. I fell for that at first, and a few guys actually figured out where I was just by the process of elimination.

So now my policy is not to mention ANY parlors. Even the one owned by my girlfriend up north! Which is a damn shame because we could both use the business. But then I got a few offers from guys who wanted to do business with me. The most common was the offer of "Consultant" to some imaginary "Producer" who was working on some project about the inside world of massage parlors. But I think the most creative idea was for me to travel the country and perform my craft in various massage parlors around the country - or as I liked to call it, committing a misdemeanor on camera in multiple states.

Now one scam that I did fall for was a phony magazine interview. I have done a few interviews with people who have contacted me personally, the most famous of which was the disastrous Playboy Radio interview. So when this young lady contacted me from a very real magazine asking me if I'd chat with her about The Business, it was nothing unusual. She more or less proved that she was legitimate - in that she really was calling from the offices of a real publication. So I gladly called her for a little chat.

It was the usual stuff at first, "How long have you done this?" "Do you like it?" "What's the typical stuff that you do?" Etc... But then the questions changed.

"Do you see married men?" "Have you ever been confronted by a wife?" "Are you OK with what you do?" And my personal favorite... "Don't you know you ruin families?" Not that this last one was really a question, but I appreciated her sentiment. She wasn't asking me questions about The Business, she was trying to figure out if her husband was cheating on her.

From the general gist of her questions, I determined the answer was yes. I didn't tell her.

CJ

The Early Bird Special

Now that I'm not spending most of my free time at Derek's place, I have no excuse not to write stuff for the blog. In fact, I think I've gotten over my slump and I find it fun to talk about things at work again. So first, a quick update about The Business.

Numbers are up as we enter the 2nd quarter of 2012. Around here, that's just a fancy way of saying we must be busy because my arms are tired. According to Maude, our session numbers are up, but session times are down compared to last year. This basically means that more guys have disposable income, but they're not paying for extras and options.

I'm not complaining since we're seeing the return of some Regulars who had to give up our services a couple years ago in exchange for food, rent and gasoline. And with the extra customers, Audrey is bugging me to hire someone permanently. She still doesn't know that Cindy has been moonlighting for me, but even that hasn't been enough to cover the extra work.

Let me put it to you this way, if you walk into a massage parlor and you see the waiting room actually being used by another customer - then business is booming. One of the cardinal rules of any parlor is Never Let The Customers See Each Other. I guess for some guys it's embarassing enough that they have to use our services, so letting other guys know they're using our services even though those guys are also using our services is just a no-no. So our front area is set up so we can sit at the most 2 customers without them facing each other.

Trina and I have been alternating shifts during weekdays and then working together on Friday and Saturday nights. Cindy has been providing us with relief on night shifts to avoid Maude. But where we could really use help now is Wednesday and Thursday day shift. This is when we get most of our "mature" clientele.

In fact, we get so many seniors on those days that I'm thinking of running an Early-Bird Special. I am not kidding. When the older gentlemen get their social security checks, they all want 60 minute sessions. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just that some of these guys just want to keep talking and talking and talking. Before I know it, a 1 hour session keeps me unavailable for 2 hours.

They talk before the session. They chat during the session. They gossip after the session. And when it's just me on a Thursday morning, it's not unusual to finish an appointment and find 2 more customers waiting, while a 3rd is chatting up Maude! Speaking of which - Maude is great with the old timers. She's old enough to relate to them, but young enough to still be addressed as "Young Lady."

Now don't get me wrong - I love these guys. Some of my older customers have been Regulars since my first employer. Not THAT'S loyalty. And they can be the sweetest guys on the planet. I just don't need all of them to show up on the same day right before lunch.

It doesn't help either that they usually require longer happy endings. So by the time I get one out the door, I barely get any time to rest and freshen up before Maude is stuffing the next guy in my room. And to make things worse (and I am not making this up) old guys on average have the biggest penises. I don't know what it is - I can only guess they keep growing with age. But the biggest ones I've ever had to work with were attached to really old men who were in no condition to use them properly.

Maybe this is just proof that God has a sense of humor.

Anyway, this is why I'm seriously considering a "Senior Special" on Wednesday and Thursday. Maybe offer 30 minute sessions at half price. In the room we could bring back the "fully clothed" or even "bra" option so I can get ready for the next guy in a fraction of the time. Washing my hands and throwing a shirt back on is soooooo much quicker than having to rinse off in the shower, dry off, and completely dress up again. I'd do the fully clothed session for $40 and the bra option for $60. Touch within reason would be an extra $20. I swear that most of the older guys don't even notice that I'm naked, so why bother paying for it, right?

I can start offering the cheaper clothing options now, but I'll need Audrey's approval for a reduced door fee. I know she's gonna bitch about it, but we'll see. In the meanwhile, let me go find my bottle of White Diamonds and catch up on the news so I know what everyone is complaining about.

CJ