Going Out of Business Sale

Anyone wanna buy a used massage parlor?

Yesterday when Audrey arrived at work, the first thing she said to me was "We have to talk." That's never a good phrase to hear whether you're a guy or a girl. I asked her what's up, and she led me outside so Trina couldn't hear.

The other day Audrey met with the landlord to discuss a few items, including the renewal of the lease in August. She's rented this space for about 5 years now and there have never been any issues before. The maintenance is good, the neighbors are quiet, etc. But, we pay almost double what the place is worth because we're a "nuisance" business (read my earlier post on the definition of a "nuisance business"). The landlord knows what we do here, but that sweet rent check keeps him from asking any questions.

That is until this week.

Audrey said that he got really weird on her. Bottom line is that he wants to raise our rent - A LOT. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that he made some vague references to his "cut" of the business. I asked Audrey want the fuck that was supposed to mean, and even she wasn't sure. Apparently he used the word "cut" several times as both a threat and an offer.

Even though Audrey sometimes acts like a total hard-nosed bitch to us, she's a total pushover when it comes to others. And on top of that, she has a rotten business sense. Combine the 2 and you get the word "SUCKER" tattooed on the forehead. The entire time I've worked for her, I've see her make some incredibly boneheaded decisions like:

The Portable Spa
A single person hot tub that has sat magnificently in the corner of the storage closet - unassembled - for 3 years now.

The Billboard to Nowhere
1 year of billboard space on an unused backroad, pointing towards a patch of woods. To find this billboard, you would have to be totally lost since the road doesn't lead anywhere. Now - if you realized you were lost, turned around, slowed down to 15 mph , then looked waaaaaay to your right, you might get a glimpse of our ad. Unfortunately, you would have to either get a flat tire or crash your car if you wanted to have enough time to actually read it or copy down our phone number.

The LED Message Board
Audrey put in our lobby one of those flashing LED message boards that read out the date and time, plus whatever crap you want it to say. Now when our customers have to wait for a session, they can pretend they're sitting in the DMV.

And my personal favorite...

The Rub-N-Tug Mug
Two cases of customized coffee mugs with our name, phone number, and the words "You're In Good Hands!" Seriously - Audrey didn't get the joke. Some travelling salesman she had as a customer talked her into it. I think 2 of our therapeutic customers took one, and the rest just sat there for months. One day I started handing them out to every guy who walked in saying "Burn it, throw it away, run it over with your car, I don't care. Just take it." I swear - the dumpster out back must have had a dozen coffee mugs in it that night.

Anyway, the landlord also used the words "us" and "we" a few too many times. Audrey said she was totally creeped out by the conversation and is now seriously thinking of bailing when the lease comes up in August. I wouldn't blame her either.

I've seen firsthand what happens when a guy tries muscling in on a Business. It can be a boyfriend of the owner, or a "silent" partner, or some other creep who thinks they can blackmail his way in. At first he'll pretend like he's providing a service like "security." Pretty soon he's telling you to suck his dick if you want to keep your job. And finally, he changes the locks and says your boss has decided to "retire" and now he's in charge. That's what can happen when you're in a legally hazy business and you don't have much recourse.

Let me tell ya, it wouldn't be too hard to move. When you think about it, you only have to move some session rooms, a kitchen and living room, and we can set up shop again. The important thing is the name of the Business, so customers will be able to find us again. I even reminded Audrey that this would be a good time to add on that tanning salon we've always talked about. We would become equal partners in the tanning and I would manage that while she still managed the Business. Funny thing about the 2 businesses - they pretty much require the exact same layouts.

It sounds like the landlord might be trying the blackmail approach to getting a piece of the Business. Well fuck him - If this asshole wants some cash, let him come down here and jerk off a couple guys himself. We can use the help now that Candy's gone. But in the meanwhile, I'll make sure Audrey doesn't do anything stupid with this jerk.

I've always wanted to run my own tanning business, so maybe this'll be my chance. I'd probably still keep my shifts at the Business, but spend my spare time at the salon. I don't know, we'll see. It's all just talk right now, so I still have plenty of time to tell some juicy stories.

CJ