The Dress Code

What a crappy weekend. Audrey riding my ass. A cancelled date. Made no money. And to top it off, I’m totally PMSing.

Last week I was reminded that I didn’t explain our dress code. Yes – we have a dress code, which sounds ironic in a Business where we get tipped to take them off. Let me explain.

Ever watch those HBO specials on the Bunny Ranch? Remember all the girls wearing lingerie while hanging around the bar? Well forget all that. Think Gap sales girl (or Abercrombie Fitch in my case). It’s harder to explain what we’re supposed to wear and easier to explain what we can’t. This is a list of what we are NOT allowed to wear to work:

Dressing Don’ts
Tank Tops
T-shirts with dirty captions
Shorts
Swimsuit tops or bottoms
Hip-huggers
Tight jeans
Belly shirts
Low cut shirts
Short skirts or dresses
Heavy makeup
Cargo pants
Heels

Basically, we’re not supposed to wear anything revealing, dirty, or just trashy. In other words, don’t wear anything that a regular masseuse wouldn’t wear, like heels. Shortly after we hired the new girl, Audrey caught her in the back parking lot washing her car IN A BIKINI!!!! Audrey flipped!! In any other business, that wouldn’t have been a big deal, but in our industry we try not to draw attention.

What Audrey would like to see us wearing is harder to explain since nothing is really mandatory. I think the closest comparison I can think of is that we’re supposed to look like the girls in a hair salon – just in case anyone suspicious were to stick their nose in the door.

Dressing Do’s
Khaki’s
Polo shirts
Plain T-shirts
Capri’s
Flats

The funny thing about all these do’s and don’ts is that we only really follow them when Audrey is around. I have what I call my “massage clothes” which are khaki’s and polo shirts – stuff I would almost never wear outside of work, but I save for when I'm on shift with the boss. On days that she isn’t around – jeans and T-shirts baby!

And I can tell you right now that customers don’t give a crap what we wear (especially since it’s usually lying in a crumpled heap on the floor within the first 5 minutes of Session). As for Audrey – she doesn’t follow her rules anyway. Her daily uniform consists of tight black jeans and a rock band T-shirt of some kind. In the winter she may wear a black, frilly shirt – kinda like a bad Stevie Nicks clone.

What we wear underneath the clothes is still our own business (thank God). During a topless massage I’ll usually wear my panties with SpongeBob, pirate skulls or something else cute on them (my favorite pair has a big smiley face). For the occasional G-string option, I keep 3 different ones in my purse – all from Hot Topic.

And before you ask, the answer is NO. We do not keep lingerie, fuck-me heels, riding crops, rubber ducks or anything else on the premises. Anything “special” that a customer wants me to wear he has to bring in then take home himself. And I’ll only wear stuff that’s brand new – No tag, no wear. Oh -- I also charge extra to dress up.

But I can bore you with those stories later on. I need to go yell at something. Then find some chocolate.

CJ