Let the Pageant of Freaks Begin…

The parade started early this week. Audrey has interviewed 3 people so far. I insist on being there whenever she has someone come in since she’s such a retard when it comes to hiring. She has this habit of picking these basket cases with a sob story because she’s a sucker. She also knows that if they don’t work out, she’ll just stick them on our shifts. What a bitch.

This is why I take such an interest. Think I wanna spend 40 hours of my week with some coked up skank who’s trying to get her hands in my purse? No way.

So anyway, last Saturday Audrey brought in someone who called last week about a job. Our want ad hadn’t appeared by then, so I assume she’s just a random caller looking for work. We get like 1 or 2 calls a week. What I don’t like about them is that they’re usually just people passing through town, looking to make some quick cash. More than once I’ve had my purse emptied by some girl who’d been working for a week before she vanishes from the face of the planet.

Well the first interviewee was a real winner. A pretty girl with scraggly brown hair. She was really skinny, so in her yellow jogging suit she reminded me of a corn dog. She looked really beat, and when I took a close look at her I could tell she hadn’t even washed her face that morning. Audrey sat her down and started asking her questions. She kept slurring her words and nodding off as if she was in dire need of a cup of coffee. Everything about her screamed “junkie.”

The next girl came in Tuesday. She was a bit chunky, with really short hair – practically shaved. And one of those piercings in her eyebrows.

Let me take a break here and explain what we’re looking for. In general, massage parlors are not known for their cleanliness. At The Business, we try to look as professional as we can to make the place look legitimate, but most importantly to put our clients at ease. Customers want above all else a girl who looks clean. Anything that reminds a guy of drugs or disease – total turnoff. Things like: piercings, tattoos, bags under the eyes, scars, needle tracks, etc.

Back to Girl #2. She said she just came from a place in New York City and was moving to our neck of the woods with her boyfriend. We always check references, so we asked her the name of her previous Business. This is when she got weird. Said her last job just changed names – couldn’t remember the phone number – not sure of the address… blah blah blah.

Worked there for over a year and you can’t remember the phone number? Are you kidding me! What number did you call after you got wasted and missed 3 shifts?

Audrey was being wishy-washy about this girls lack of answers, so I just said told her we’d call 411 for the number. This is when the girl blurted “I changed my mind” and left. Adios bitch.

The last girl to come in was a fat crack-ho with a local address. As Audrey talked to her, I noticed that she kept tossing her hair and rubbing her legs. I knew something was up so I asked her what’s wrong. She said her legs hurt - another sign of a junkie. She’s either jonesing for prescription drugs or heroine. Your body hurts like that when you’re coming down off those things.

So those are this weeks winners. Ya see now why I hate interviewing? All you guys out there – feel free to forward your girlfriends/wives/sisters/moms resumes to me.

CJ

Now Hiring

I hate interviewing.

Luna’s been gone almost 2 weeks now and we still haven’t found anyone to replace her. The awful thing about hiring for a job that’s just below the law is that you can’t put up an ad that says:

HELP WANTED: Female masseuse. Clothing optional environment. Available nights and weekends. Must be people-person. Strong right arm a plus.

We prefer to rely on word of mouth nowadays. It’s just so much less complicated than interviewing dozens of strangers. In this business you get a lot of turnover anyways, so It’s not like we panic when someone leaves suddenly. What we usually do is make calls to all our “go-to” girls. These are girls that we’ve all worked with before and feel comfortable with. Chances are, there’s someone we know out there that just recently left another business or is willing to pick up a couple extra shifts here.

Notice how I didn’t say “friends?” That’s because we’d much rather work with someone reliable who annoys us, than a friend who has no clue what she’s doing and could possibly ruin things for everyone. For example… I once made the mistake of recommending a friend who was jealous of the good money I was making - and a complete moron. Turns out, as soon as she got in the room she completely forgot our rehearsed script for offering “options” (topless, nude, etc.). Instead, she was just bluntly telling customers she’d jerk them off for $$$ !!! Thank God she never had a cop!!!!!!

Some of you may be wondering why we're in such a hurry to bring in a new girl, especially since business has been slow and some of Luna's old clients are up for grabs. Well, it's pretty much the same reason why no one else likes being short a person. It's bad enough doing this shit for 5 days a week - imagine having to do it for 7... AND those 2 extra days are with your boss who you can't stand!!! THAT is why I welcome anyone nuts enough to work here.

Anyway, Trina, Audrey and I have been calling around for over a week now without much luck, so we finally put an ad in the local weekly rag. It’s subtle. It’s just our regular ad for a “relaxing massage” with an extra “Now Hiring” added at the end. Anyone remotely familiar with the massage industry will know what we’re expecting.

Now the problem isn’t in lack of applicants - The problem is the total avalanche of applicants. And I’m not talking about a room full of clean cut college graduates in dapper little business suits carrying leather brief cases. I’m taking about a total freak show straight out of the Trailer Park from Hell. We can expect to see: burnouts, punk rockers, trailer trash, goth chicks, drunks, hippie chicks, ex-hookers, current hookers, runaways, homeless chicks, Narcs, ex-strippers…and druggies.

Lots of druggies.

Any job that pays in cash always attracts the druggies. Now don’t get me wrong – I’ll be the first person to admit that I’ve inhaled a couple of times in my life. But I’m talking about the hardcore snorters and shooters. I’ve worked with more than a few in this business, and I can’t stand them. They smell, they steal, and they lie. I know drug addiction is a terrible thing. You don’t have to remind me since I’ve seen it personally – but that doesn’t mean I have to like working with them.

Massage businesses never drug test since that would be like looking for a Chin in Chinatown. So believe it or not, we rely a lot on references. Any girl comes in claiming she worked at another business – we call and verify. Even though we're competitors, Other Businesses have a vested interest in flushing out the thiefs and Narcs.

So let the Parade of Freaks begin! And if any of you guys know any girls who are attractive, honest, intelligent, interesting and clean who are willing to jerk guys off for cash - drop me a line. Tell them it's a good way to meet people and the hours are good.

CJ