The Early Bird Special

Now that I'm not spending most of my free time at Derek's place, I have no excuse not to write stuff for the blog. In fact, I think I've gotten over my slump and I find it fun to talk about things at work again. So first, a quick update about The Business.

Numbers are up as we enter the 2nd quarter of 2012. Around here, that's just a fancy way of saying we must be busy because my arms are tired. According to Maude, our session numbers are up, but session times are down compared to last year. This basically means that more guys have disposable income, but they're not paying for extras and options.

I'm not complaining since we're seeing the return of some Regulars who had to give up our services a couple years ago in exchange for food, rent and gasoline. And with the extra customers, Audrey is bugging me to hire someone permanently. She still doesn't know that Cindy has been moonlighting for me, but even that hasn't been enough to cover the extra work.

Let me put it to you this way, if you walk into a massage parlor and you see the waiting room actually being used by another customer - then business is booming. One of the cardinal rules of any parlor is Never Let The Customers See Each Other. I guess for some guys it's embarassing enough that they have to use our services, so letting other guys know they're using our services even though those guys are also using our services is just a no-no. So our front area is set up so we can sit at the most 2 customers without them facing each other.

Trina and I have been alternating shifts during weekdays and then working together on Friday and Saturday nights. Cindy has been providing us with relief on night shifts to avoid Maude. But where we could really use help now is Wednesday and Thursday day shift. This is when we get most of our "mature" clientele.

In fact, we get so many seniors on those days that I'm thinking of running an Early-Bird Special. I am not kidding. When the older gentlemen get their social security checks, they all want 60 minute sessions. Not that it's a bad thing. It's just that some of these guys just want to keep talking and talking and talking. Before I know it, a 1 hour session keeps me unavailable for 2 hours.

They talk before the session. They chat during the session. They gossip after the session. And when it's just me on a Thursday morning, it's not unusual to finish an appointment and find 2 more customers waiting, while a 3rd is chatting up Maude! Speaking of which - Maude is great with the old timers. She's old enough to relate to them, but young enough to still be addressed as "Young Lady."

Now don't get me wrong - I love these guys. Some of my older customers have been Regulars since my first employer. Not THAT'S loyalty. And they can be the sweetest guys on the planet. I just don't need all of them to show up on the same day right before lunch.

It doesn't help either that they usually require longer happy endings. So by the time I get one out the door, I barely get any time to rest and freshen up before Maude is stuffing the next guy in my room. And to make things worse (and I am not making this up) old guys on average have the biggest penises. I don't know what it is - I can only guess they keep growing with age. But the biggest ones I've ever had to work with were attached to really old men who were in no condition to use them properly.

Maybe this is just proof that God has a sense of humor.

Anyway, this is why I'm seriously considering a "Senior Special" on Wednesday and Thursday. Maybe offer 30 minute sessions at half price. In the room we could bring back the "fully clothed" or even "bra" option so I can get ready for the next guy in a fraction of the time. Washing my hands and throwing a shirt back on is soooooo much quicker than having to rinse off in the shower, dry off, and completely dress up again. I'd do the fully clothed session for $40 and the bra option for $60. Touch within reason would be an extra $20. I swear that most of the older guys don't even notice that I'm naked, so why bother paying for it, right?

I can start offering the cheaper clothing options now, but I'll need Audrey's approval for a reduced door fee. I know she's gonna bitch about it, but we'll see. In the meanwhile, let me go find my bottle of White Diamonds and catch up on the news so I know what everyone is complaining about.

CJ

The Female Happy Ending

One of the interesting trends here at The Business is that we get all these new customers at the beginning of the year who are burning up gift certificates for massages that they got for Christmas. Some of them are guys whose friends got them as a (rather expensive) joke. But most of them are sweet little old ladies who got them from their loving children.

"Agnes" is a good example. She's one of my favorite customers even though she doesn't tip for the therapeutic. I like her because she swears like a sailor and has the dirtiest sense of humor. Imagine your grandmother, but with the mouth of Chris Rock. Everything is "F- this and F- that" with the occasional "N word" thrown in (yes - she's black).

I get to see her twice a year - right after Christmas and Mother's Day. Her son buys her gift certificates, and No - he's not a customer. In fact, I really doubt he knows anything about The Business, other than it's within walking distance from his mother's house.

Agnes came in Saturday for her semi-annual session and we did the typical catching up. She tells me all about what her children are up to, and the grand kids, and everyone else in her family. Then she hits me with the annual question about why I'm not married, the lack of quality "gentlemen," and why I gotta follow my dreams, etc.

Well this time we were wrapping up our standard 60 minute therapeutic session when she hits me with "Soooooo... I'm ready for my Happy Ending now."

My heart skipped a beat on that one. My therapeutic technique with her has pretty much been identical for the last couple of years, so now I'm panicking - has she heard something about The Business? "Haaa... haaa... happy ending?" I stammer. "What are you talking about?"

Now I've played dumb before, but it's usually been with guys we don't trust (or don't want to touch). Agnes really threw me a curve ball there.

"That is what you call it, isn't it?" she continued. "That bit at the end?"

I think all the blood has drained from my face at this point. "Uh... what bit?" I manage to say. I have nothing. No comeback. No witty retort. No funny punchline. Nothing. I feel like a teenager who's mother just discovered the condoms under the mattress.

"My head massage..." she explains. "It's my absolute favorite part of the massage girrrl. You should know that by now."

Oh shit - I almost forgot about that part. I always end her with a scalp and facial massage. I breathed a sigh of relief finally. "Of course Agnes! I just forgot about the clock," I lied. "I was just about to get started." I regained my composure and repositioned myself to start working her temples.

Agnes closed her yes and started making "mmmmmmm" noises as I massaged her temples and jaw line. "Mmmmmmm... I mean it's not like I have a dick you can massage now is it?... Mmmmmmm"

I lost it. How often do you get to hear an 80 year old black lady tell you she doesn't have a dick?

"I've lived in this neighborhood for 50 years. Do you really think there's something going on around here I don't know about?"

We had a good laugh - and I think I needed it after the scare she gave me. After we both stopped laughing, we talked during her "happy ending." She was kind enough not to ask me any questions about The Business. Instead she told me stories about how this place used to be a computer store, and before then an insurance agent. And before this building, there was a giant bakery here.

We went 20 minutes over, but I didn't care. It was fun just to chat. Unfortunately, not all of the seniors that come here in January are this friendly. Some are downright nasty, grumpy-ass bitches. If I get stuck with any maybe I'll share her as a new Freak of the Week.

CJ