And The Winner Is........

No one yet. I told you - we don't have to hire anyone till the end of the month. I knew that you guys would be rooting for the stripper. Unfortunately she's not a favorite. Even Audrey said to avoid her. My favorite is still the LMT that interviewed here last week. She's got her license and has been doing legit massage for several years now. Then she lost her job when the economy tanked, so she's knocking on our door. Amazing how several months of unemployment will encourage anyone to add "handjob" to her list of skills.

"Brenda" is a little on the heavy side, pretty face, dark hair, and a decent personality. But you could tell she was nervous as all hell when she got here. She said she was confused when she first walked in because The Business was not what she was expecting. Apparently she was picturing a dark, musty smelling room lit with red lights and decorated with tacky pictures of half-naked women. "Why half-naked women?" I asked.

"Because that's what it saw in this movie about a massage parlor once," she said sounding relieved. Gawd I hate movies about parlors. They always get it soooooooo wrong.
Heck, if you're gonna put up pics of naked women, why not just post the prices for breast releases and toe-sucking while you're at it? Save the cops the trouble of actually trying to figure it out on their own.

Anyway, I answered Brenda's questions and concerns on making a turn towards the Dark Side of massage therapy. Her biggest concern was going against everything she ever practiced about separating therapy from sensuality (in other words, instead of ignoring a hard-on, actually encouraging it.) For a legitimate massage therapist, it's a huge deal so I know where she's coming from.

I told her that she'll be too nervous about being naked to even worry about giving a handjob to a stranger. She laughed, but it was a nervous laugh. I don't know. I sympathize with her and the position she's in. Would she be a good worker? Well, I think we could actually count on her showing up on time. She may throw up during her first session, but at least it'll be during her shift.

Some of you out there are probably wondering why on earth we'd pick a chubby LMT over a stripper. After all, isn't the whole point of the job to get guys off? Actually, most of the job is to provide a relaxing massage with the getting-off part at the very end. And after an hour of getting rubbed by a girl with no clothes on, you don't need to be a stripper to finish the job. In fact, Brenda the LMT may be better at it because she'll deliver a higher quality massage. I don't know how many guys have told me that the worst thing is to have a girl rush you through a crappy massage and then expect you to cum within 30 seconds from a less-than-enthusiastic handjob.

Stripper's are meant to be looked at. Brenda would probably make a lousy stripper. But with the lights turned down, a little bit of soft music, and her well lubed hand wrapped around your cock - she could be a pretty good erotic masseuse.

CJ

Confessions Of An Erotic Employer

We've had 6 girls in here so far, and each one worse than the other. I mean, what happened to all the good old fashioned, all-American, erotic masseuses? I'm talking about a girl with her massage license who can work all the knots out of your back, discuss sports and politics, crack a joke, and stroke a cock while looking good in high heels. Is that too much to ask for?

At this point I'm just looking for a girl who doesn't have any missing teeth or needle tracks. And if you think I'm just being picky, you should try applying at a male-owned parlor. The interview usually consists of a blowjob.

I've talked to Trina about this, and we've both decided to drag this out as long as possible. Yes, the current hours suck since we have to divide up all the shifts between the 2 of us, but things aren't that busy yet. I figure we'll have till the end of this month before we'll need the help. Besides, it would be impossible to take time off during the summer without an extra girl or 2.

Audrey is bitching that she wants someone NOW, but only because she's afraid we're losing appointments. She even offered to come back and help us work the sweet shifts on the weekends (of course). Gawd forbid she would offer to take a Wednesday night when NO ONE shows up. Oh well, it's nice to be the owner...

Anyway, the quality of applicants is lacking to say the least. We did get a girl in here who was working at one of the non-Asian places that got busted last year. I said no because even though she had experience, she was used to working full-service and she looked pretty skanky in my opinion. A couple other girls were obvious druggies. And then there was one girl who had a pretty interesting story.

"Candy" was a stripper from Florida who moved back in with her parents here in PA. She hasn't found work at any of the local clubs, so that's when she turned to us. When I asked her if she had any other experience besides dancing she said "Well, I did do a bit of acting."

Acting?

Turns out Candy was working the local porn scene down in Florida. Now when I heard "porn" I immediately thought of school girl outfits, pizza delivery boys, and hairy old men wearing lots of gold chains (goes to show what I know of today's adult movies). Candy said it wasn't like that at all. She said she would occasionally get parts in what she called "Reality Porn" movies.

Apparently there's a type of porn that's supposed to look like real people having candid sex. College kids, horny housewives, leaked sex tapes, etc. The way Candy describes it, it's all a very elaborate hoax. And in fact, it's probably even more produced and scripted than regular fuck-n-suck porn.

She would play background parts like bachelorette party girl, or drunken sorority slut. Her job was to pretend to be a "friend" of the movies actual star and pretend to be shocked by her outrageous behavior. The hardcore sex parts were played by real porn stars - usually girls who were just breaking into the industry. Candy said she would get anywhere between a hundred bucks for "Anonymous Girl" and up to several hundred for "Horny Friend" if she got naked and danced on camera.

Now you're all probably wondering why we didn't hire her on the spot. Remember - I'm looking for a girl who's gonna show up on time and do her best not to lose any customers. To be honest, strippers typically make lousy masseuses. They're never on time, and they always skip their shifts when the club calls. But on the plus side, she's NOT full service, she would be incredibly entertaining to have around, and she's local. I actually liked her personally, I just don't think she would be a good fit for us.

Currently my favorite girl has previous massage experience, but has never done happy endings before. She's licensed, but was the first one laid off at the spa she used to work at when business tanked. Trina didn't like her, but I did. But I'll keep you posted. Like I said, we'll try to postpone anyone getting hired for at least another month.

CJ

Help Wanted

I really need to update this damn thing more often. Every time I sit down I realize just how much crap is going on, and when I start to talk about one thing, I forget about something else.

For example, last weekend you guys were in severe danger of getting my first drunken post. It was late at night and I was nursing a really good buzz when I thought "Hey! I should write something about that thing that was soooo funny..." which is how all good ideas start right? Lucky for you guys, before I could save it, Derek walked in on me and in a drunken panic I ended up hitting the power button. If I had been logged onto blogger, it would have been saved, but I was writing it on notepad.

Anyway, I'm sure it was the most profound and interesting stuff I had ever said. Oh well.

But now that I'm sober and boring, I can tell you about the parade of winners that have been coming here looking for a job. Now that Cindy's gone, Audrey told her sister Maude to start looking for a replacement. It's really not that hard either since we get 1 or 2 girls a week who stop by looking for a job.

In this line of work we can't exactly put an ad in the "Help Wanted" section. But if we could, it would probably look something like this:

HELP WANTED
We have an immediate opening for an experienced Masseuse at a small boutique spa discretely located next to the freeway where you will enjoy a hands-on experience with our exciting all-male clientele. License a plus, but not required. Must be willing to work nights and weekends. Uniform optional. Literally.

Unfortunately, we can't do that, so the closest we can do is say "Now Hiring" in our bi-monthly ad in the local free paper. In fact, you'll notice in a lot of ads for adult-oriented services, there will be a "Now Hiring" somewhere in there. Go look in your local yellow pages under "escort" and you'll probably see what I mean.

So the other day, Maude gets the order from Audrey to start gathering contact info from girls looking for work. Maude had never done anything like this before, so she went on the internet and did some research on hiring. Let me tell ya, that woman certainly takes her job seriously. So seriously in fact that she actually downloaded some generic "Application for Employment" sheets from the internet.

Now I've worked in places where the 3 requirements for employment were:

1) Tits
2) Ass
3) Nothing else

So you should have seen the look on these girls faces when Maude handed them a clipboard and said "Fill this out." It was basically 2 pages of contact info, job experience, references, and my personal favorite - "Why do you want to work here?" Trina and I found that one so funny that we spent an entire afternoon making up answers including:

"Because crack ain't free"
"They cut my hours at the strip club"
"My ex would never find me here"
... and my personal favorite...
"I'm a people person"

Honestly, I don't give a rats ass who they end up hiring at this point - as long as she shows up on time, doesn't steal my purse, or eat my food in the fridge. Is that sad or what?

And to make things more interesting, Audrey asked Trina and I to actually pick the next girl. Fun. I can't wait to start reading those applications. Maybe we can turn it into a drinking game where you have to chug every time someone lists their probation officer under "references."

CJ

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I swear I can't even see straight right now... WAAAAAAY over did last night. And in my inexperienced managerial role, I made the mistake of scheduling myself off yesterday, but on today. BIG mistake - should have done it the other way around. So instead of drinking all day followed by working all day, I should have drank all NIGHT followed by sleeping all day.

Is this the kind of stuff they teach you in business school?

Anyway, let me make this short so I can go back to drinking my 7up and eating my plain crackers...

Audrey told me to stop looking for a new girl because she thinks she found someone. At this point, I don't really care either way. I mean, I've been looking (kinda) but without much luck. But the last time Audrey brought in a "friend" it turned out to be her slutty younger sister. She was sooooo bad that she was offering full service within her first month with us.

It took A LOT of complaining before Audrey finally had the guts to fire her. I think it finally happened with Audrey realized her own customers were abandoning her for Slutty Sis.

Whatever. I don't care. I just work here, right?

Anyway - I hope you guys all had fun yesterday drinking green beer and singing songs.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Employer

As you know, I've been more or less running this place for the last couple weeks. Well, nothing makes you feel more like the boss than having to hire someone. Ugh.

The "New Girl" just quit. And by "quit" I mean no one's seen her in several weeks. She was only part time and spent most of it working with Audrey, so I really had little to do with her. Oh well, it's not a big loss. I mean she was so inconsequential that I never even had to make up a fake name for her for the blog. But with Audrey gone, I couldn't find anyone to cover those shifts. So I called the new girl at home and she confirmed that her new semester at school has started and she couldn't make it anymore.  Well let me tell ya... when she graduates college, this is ONE massage parlor that's not going to give her a good reference.

Now it's my job to find a newbie to fill in and I can't blame Audrey any more if this goes badly. We usually get at least 1 girl a week coming in looking for work, but for the life of me, I can't remember anyone applying for a job since before Christmas.

I swear, I must have spent 3 hours on the phone with Audrey this past weekend filling her in and trying to figure out where to find a hardened (no pun intended) professional to fill her shoes. I called a couple girls I used to work with and no luck. Everyone else seems to have gone legit lately (is someone trying to tell me something?).

So for all you girls out there reading this, think you got what it takes? Massage experience preferable. Strong right hand a must.

I remember a girl I used to work with at the Old Business. She had been working there for a couple of months before she quit - or should I say fired. What I remember about her in particular was that she was petit and drop dead gorgeous. You could say she was adorable in an Abercrombie/Fitch kinda way, and opposed to Playboy bunny way.

She was a rather good worker as far as I could tell. Very punctual, no complaints from the customers. Just did her job and didn't cause any trouble. Then one day, a customer finally said something to the manager about "taking the training wheels off" the new girl. Turns out that just like me - no one really told her exactly what the job involved - just what it DIDN'T involve. I guess she interpreted the "DO NOT DO THIS" list to include many things including clothing options, happy endings, or even massages.

From what we could piece together from her customers after she was gone, was that she would come into the room and pretty much just tell customers what she won't do. So after playing 20 questions with her (to which the answers were almost always "no"), the guys ended up taking matters into their own hands, while she assumed various sexy poses for them. She never even got nude. The new girl was so hot that guys would jerk themselves off and blow their loads while looking at her. As far as we can tell, the furthest any customer ever got with her was a topless.

I guess the customers were either too embarrassed to say anything to us, or they just hoped that after 3 or 4 visits she'd finally grab their prick and do her job. But no. Took a couple months before the bosses found out and let her go.

But let me tell ya - just stand there and let guys look at you while they took care of themselves? It must have been a pretty damn good gig for those 2 months!

CJ

p.s. JUST got around to answering comments from the last 2 weeks!!!! Sorry!!!