Snow Day

Well I hope all you guys out there had a very merry Christmas. The Business was closed for 3 days, and then we got a bonus snow day. We thought Monday was going to be a blizzard, so we stayed closed. Then it turned out to be a giant bust, so I spent the day shopping for post Christmas bargains. Yeah me!

Yesterday was the first return to normal. Audrey did not come in, which only confirms our suspicions that the only reason she did show up last week was to pocket some spending cash (at our expense). I talked to Cindy and Trina and we figure that she probably took almost a third of our total customers for the week.

One of you guys asked what tricks she was pulling to get away with it. Well, she pretty much tried all of them in the book. Her favorite was just taking the next guy through the door, regardless of which girl was up in the rotation. Trina said on Wednesday day shift she took 3 guys in a row by just taking over the front desk and telling Trina she would call her when the next guy came in. She said after the 3rd customer she was ready to just put on her jacket and leave she was so pissed.

Another trick of Audrey's is to just tell customers that she's the only girl there. That one works best on the phone. Then she just makes sure that when he shows up, he doesn't see any of us. I used to fall for the old "Could you go out and get me a pack of smokes?" routine. Then I'd get back just in time to see one of my Regulars coming out of HER session room. Then to add insult to injury, he would sometimes think I blew him off!!

The best thing to do to keep anyone from stealing customers is to just sit and stay at the front desk. I did that last week and even so, Audrey would pull rank with "I got this one..." I was seeing red at the end of each shift. I swear, we were all ready to walk.

And poor Maude... The front desk is usually her domain during the working day. But ever since that blow out over the Christmas decorations, she would just hide in the back office. Talk about uncomfortable. You could just feel the tension whether you were in the front or back of the building. Ugh.

But apart from the fact that work totally sucked all last week, my holiday was good. A long weekend of family and friends. And let me tell ya - all my nieces and nephews were LOVING their Aunty CJ. Thank Gawd I took care of most of the shopping BEFORE Audrey got there and cut our tips in half.

This week before New Years is usually dead. We've gone back to a 1 girl per shift schedule, and will probably stay this way till the end of January. So now we spend our time eating Christmas cookies and fruitcake all day. The one and only good thing about having Audrey around is that she would bring in treats she made herself. If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that even though we all hate Audrey's guts, that bitch can cook.

CJ

The Grinch That Stole Christmas

This has turned out to be a really awful week. What started off as the most fun holiday season in a long time has now taken an ugly twist - not just for me but everyone here at The Business.

This past Saturday, I was covering the day shift with Maude. The morning was going just fine when guess who walks in the door...

Audrey. Back from the dead after 9 months. I speak to her on the phone about once a week, but this was a total surprise. I could tell by Maude's reaction that she was expecting this little visit but didn't bother to warn me.

At first it was all a kissy-kissy lovefest. But when things settled down and Audrey got down to business, she went into total bitch mode. First she explained that she was here to "help" us out during the busy Christmas weeks. "Help?" I asked. Last time I spoke to her, I said the workload was just fine and that the 3 of us were handling it just fine. But I guess she saw the numbers from Maude and that greedy little bitch thought she could drum up a little bit of extra spending cash at our expense.

Now I know that Audrey still owns The Business and I have absolutely no right to complain about her wanting to work. But come on - to just show up unannounced when we have a full schedule and basically take away HALF our customers each shift? That's bullshit. And when I say that I'm being generous. That motherfucking cunt has pulled out ever trick in the book to take all the good customers this week and stiff us with all the therapeutics and cheapskates. It's almost like she came out of retirement with a vengence just to remind us who's really the boss around here.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. From the moment she set foot inside the door, she wanted all the decorations to be torn down. She started by telling Maude to "get rid of all this crap" on the front desk. I winced when I heard that because I know how much the decorations mean to her. Heck - it was all I could do get her to take down the lights and move the tree.

Audrey tore into her sister. And let me tell you, the got into it right then and there. I've never seen Audrey yell that much before (not including some of our fights of course). But when sisters fight it can get ugly and personal.

When it was all over, I had never seen Maude that upset before. And that's when it occurred to me - Maude takes this job seriously. Sure - to some people she's just the lady that schedules handjobs and cleans the toilets. But to Maude - she's The Office Manager. And this job didn't just give her a steady paycheck, it gave her a purpose.

I know that sounds funny, because most people would say Mother Theresa had a "purpose." But I guess when you've spent most of your adult life sitting in a trailer staring at a TV, then it's a lot easier to find a purpose. And The Business became Maude's.

I'm not gonna fault her for it. In fact, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the planet if I did (instead of the top 100), since I've made a career out of this place (and a decent one at that). I guess I just never figured the front desk to be important since that's not where the money is.

So I've been trying to cheer Maude up this past week, which is not easy considering it feels like death around here - what with most of the decorations being taken down and Audrey here almost every shift. We're all stressed out with all the tension in the air - and Christmas almost here. Luckily, we're closed for the 3 day weekend. I don't expect Audrey to come back since it's usually dead until the end of January. So we'll just have to suck it up till then.

But if it makes Maude feel better, maybe I'll encourage her to decorate for Martin Luther King Day.

CJ

Slutzilla

Well Maude starts this week. I haven't met this sister, but if she's nothing like her slutty baby sister, then we'll be just fine. To refresh your memories, Maude is coming in to basically replace Audrey in a sort of office manager/cleaning lady kinda way. AND she gets to keep her clothes on while doing it.

When I had the blowup with the boss a couple weeks ago, it was because she said the skank ho sister was coming in to run the place. That little whore worked here for a short time a few years ago. And when I say "short" I mean we had to go to Audrey and demand that she get rid of her immediately before The Business went down in flames. Let me explain...

Slutzilla (as we affectionately called her) got a job from Audrey as a huge favor. She was basically useless and had no job (like everyone else in that trailer park they call a family), so Audrey gave her one out of pity I guess. And let me tell you - we all learned how useless she was almost immediately. Sat around and did nothing all day but talk on her phone and wait for us to give her customers. And when she did get one, he pretty much complained later what an awful session he had.

Then it dawned on Slutzilla how to improve her customer service skills. She discovered that a really bad massage could easily be remedied with a quick blowjob. In fact, why waste time on a massage at all when you can just fuck the guy and pocket the tip in a fraction of the time?
I am not kidding you when I say that she became an overnight success. One day no one knew her name - the next day the phone was ringing off the hook for her. She was getting tons of really short (15-30 minute) appointments. We were all shocked at first, then quickly suspicious. All the signs were there of a full service traitor: the short sessions, the instant popularity, and the wave of newbies. There's a saying in our business - if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a whore.

So I asked one of my Regulars to do some undercover detective work for me by taking a session with her and then reporting back. He confirmed all our suspicions - as soon as he was in the room, Slutzilla basically offered him the old suck-n-fuck.

[At this point in the story, you're probably wondering how I could force a loyal Regular of mine to go see if he could fuck my co-worker. I felt very guilty about making him take one for the team, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.]

We immediately went to Audrey and told her everything. At first she didn't believe us, but eventually she admitted that even some of her Regulars had mysteriously disappeared. Now that's saying a lot because her Regulars were already getting blowjobs, so I can only assume that Sluttzilla was either better at it, lower priced, or both.

Well Audrey confronted her little sister and pretty much fired her on the spot. Some of you are probably shaking your heads and wondering why we would get rid of a girl who was bringing in tons of new business by giving the customers what they want. Yes, she was bringing them in, but it was the wrong kind of customer and the wrong kind of business.

The "perfect" customer is a Regular that you know and trust to provide steady business. A flood of newbies makes you nervous because you have to wonder why there's suddenly so much interest. Have the cops noticed? Are local drug dealers trying to recruit since parlors are notorious for druggies? Are the other businesses in the building complaining to the landlord about the packed parking lot? And to make things worse, when a single girl goes full service - it takes away business from all the other girls. I think that was the biggest reason why Audrey fired her on the spot.

A true massage parlor has to walk a line between being legit and being a brothel. As long as we occupy that gray area in between we'll stay off everyone's radar screen. But considering that the number of raided parlors has now increased to SEVEN, the last thing we can afford right now is a girl that's just gonna cause trouble.

CJ

Tales of an Ugly Stepsister

OK - I'm back. Things have finally settled down, but OH THE DRAMA. I guess Audrey and I needed to have it out. We may have had a few disagreements in the past ("You stole my customer!", "I need you to work Saturday," "Why is my keyboard sticky?" etc.) but we do agree on one thing - the Business could use some extra help.

Now I'm not talking about another masseuse. I'm talking about someone to take care of all the non-handjob related stuff around here (this business ain't all glamour ya know).

So this is where another member of the Audrey Clan comes in. This time it's the older sister (and in this story I'm Cinderalla of course). Turns out that Audrey is the only "success" story in that family - being a genuine business owner and all. There are other bizarre members of Audrey's family I could talk about, but that's one trailer park I don't want to empty out just yet.

I'll affectionately refer to my new co-worker as "Maude." And I say co-worker, because technically she won't be telling us how to do our jobs. I'll still be in charge of schedule, but Maude will be a sort of Office Manager I suppose. She'll answer the phones, schedule appointments, order supplies, and clean the place. I think Audrey's doing it this way just to give Maude a source of income.

And don't worry - there's no secret plan for her to start stealing our customers. If you saw her you'd know why. She's around 50, short and very heavy set. The word "plumb" comes to mind when describing her. You wouldn't want to see her topless, let alone handling your junk.

She's supposed to start in a couple of weeks. I guess she's waiting to put the wheels on her place and get it towed over to this side of the Poconos. I'm not holding my breath over it since she may be a fuck up just like everyone else in that family.

Now thinking back to when Audrey and I had our fight, she did say that she was going to put her little sister in charge. Turns out she meant it only as a threat. Even Audrey's not that stupid. But I can talk more about that train wreck later.

And in case you were wondering, during my week off, I actually did 2 nights in my new gig as a bartender. Let me tell ya - that work is HARD. You bust your ass, break a sweat, stain your clothes and come home smelling like beer. But I have to admit that it was kinda fun flirting with customers and cracking jokes and stuff.

I had a couple of drunken college boys daring me to "... show us your tits!" I looked them right in the eye and said "Sure. $80." I think my dead serious tone of voice shut them up. The funny thing is that I wanted to add "... G-string is $120 and nude is $150."

If they only knew.

CJ

Spring Cleaning

The weather down here has been gorgeous this week, with the exception of the occasional thunderstorm. It's been so nice that we've even broken out the folding chairs so we can sit outside during breaks. The back parking lot is quiet, so that's where we sneak away to smoke (or "tanning" breaks if you're Trina).

Since it's been so warm out, I decided to start doing spring cleaning around here. Hey - I'm still the acting manager. But it's not that bad. We cranked up all the radios, opened up the doors and tried to get some fresh air in here.

Now you can learn alot about a masseuse by how messy her session room is. Mine wasn't too bad. But when we moved the massage table, we found a whole family of dust bunnies living underneath it. Lucky for me, there was nothing incriminating under there - unlike some people.

Audrey's room hasn't been used since she stopped coming in back in February. But I was feeling motivated, so I told Trina to help me clean it out.

It was a bit musty inside, which is what happens when an aromatherapy candle hasn't been used there in ages. Now we have 2 sets of lights for each room - the standard dimmers we use during session, and the bright spotlights that we NEVER use. Well, since we were cleaning, we fired up the spotlights.

Have you ever heard of those "crime lights" that CSI cops use to detect bodily fluids in crime scenes? Well, you wouldn't need one in this room. With the bright lights on, we could just as plainly see the stains on...

the walls
the floors
the table
the shelf
and don't even get me started about the shower!

Trina and I almost threw up when we realized what we were looking at. We figured her room hasn't been thoroughly cleaned in years. It was just the nastiest thing you've ever seen - but without the spotlights you would have never noticed it. We switched the lights back to the dimmers, and agreed that you couldn't really notice anything.

So that's what we did. We left the dimmers on, ran a quick vacuum through the room, then turned the lights off and closed the door. Actually let me rephrase that - I ran a vacuum through the room, turned off the lights and closed the door. Trina spent the entire time outside trying to keep her lunch down.

I'll confess that when I decided to clean out Audrey's room, I was hoping to find something embarassing like condom wrappers. But believe me when I say this was waaaaaaaay worse. I don't know how that woman could stand to work under those conditions. It's called Formula 409 Audrey! Check it out.

After Trina and I felt like our stomachs had settled, we moved on to Cindy's room. No condom wrappers, but we did find a Penthouse magazine, an old G-string, some cheap costume jewelry, and a tiny tube of "personal lubrication."

I don't wanna know.

Lastly was Trina's room. I didn't expect to find anything incriminating in there because she locked herself in while I was finishing up in Cindy's room. So I vacuumed up her dust bunnies while she scrubbed down her shower stall.

After she finished and went to the bathroom to clean up, I snuck out to the dumpster to see what she was trying to hide from me. I found a tied up shopping bag. It was filled with - can you guess? Candy wrappers. Must have been 50 at least.

After 2 days of major cleaning, we did find 1 condom wrapper. It was in the tanning room, behind the booth. None of us could figure out how it got there. I mean, it's quite obvious that Audrey fucks her customers in her room (ALL OVER her room apparently). Trina and I aren't full service. And when I asked Cindy, she just said something odd like "wrong size."

Now Trina had an interesting theory. Since it wasn't in anyone's room, she thinks that Audrey fucked one of the contractors when our place was getting fixed up from the flood. Why the tanning room, I don't know. Maybe Audrey was offering a taste of all our services at the same time?

Wow - I feel dull compared to my co-workers.

CJ

Spring is here...

And love is in the air. Or at least the equivalent.

Audrey has been gone for a while now, but she still gets customers asking for her. But yesterday's call takes the cake. Trina and I were working, and I was at the front desk when this guy called.

"Allo? Is my Leetle Teeny there?"

I don't know any "Teenys" around here. "I'm sorry sir? Who are you looking for?"

"I rrrrreally miss you my Teeny." His "rrrr's" just rolled off the tongue like he was playing a guitar and he knew he was good at it. We'll call him "Antonio" since he sounded like an Antonio. I'll admit I'm a sucker for Spanish accents, so that's why I hadn't just hung up on the guy.

"Uhhhhhh.... I'm not sure who you're looking for sir. This is CJ. Are you looking for Trina" I asked with a slight hint of jealousy in my voice. Why can't my customers sound this good, or be this loyal?

"I know it is yoooooou ..." At this point I'm wondering if this is just a bad prank phone call. But then Antonio added, "I have longed for another massage from you. You are... how do you say... erotic?"   Wow - that gave me a little chill. Why does Trina always get the good ones!

Let me apologize now for my bad attempts to type with a spanish accent. Just use your imagination, OK?

"I think you want Trina, " I said curtly. "Hold on while I..."

"You are the best I have ever had and I must have you again. Have you missed your Antonio my Teeny?"  I really didn't want to have this conversation about how great another masseuse is, so I asked him again if he was looking for "Trina." Turns out he was looking for Audrey! Antonio call her his "Leetle Teeny" because she's so petite. Gag!

I've had my share of overly enthusiastic customers, but none quite like this guy. I had to tell him she's no longer available, but he's perfectly welcome to stop by (I will confess that I was imagining that voice caressing my ears for an hour). Unfortunately, he was disappointed by the news and didn't feel like making an appointment with anyone else (damn!).

Well it was probably for the best. In my mind I was picturing Antonio Banderas. A YOUNG Antonio Banderas. Why wreck that thought with reality?

Now if the real Antonio just happened to be reading this blog, please feel free to stop by anyway! I didn't mean anything by that "young" comment.

CJ

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I swear I can't even see straight right now... WAAAAAAY over did last night. And in my inexperienced managerial role, I made the mistake of scheduling myself off yesterday, but on today. BIG mistake - should have done it the other way around. So instead of drinking all day followed by working all day, I should have drank all NIGHT followed by sleeping all day.

Is this the kind of stuff they teach you in business school?

Anyway, let me make this short so I can go back to drinking my 7up and eating my plain crackers...

Audrey told me to stop looking for a new girl because she thinks she found someone. At this point, I don't really care either way. I mean, I've been looking (kinda) but without much luck. But the last time Audrey brought in a "friend" it turned out to be her slutty younger sister. She was sooooo bad that she was offering full service within her first month with us.

It took A LOT of complaining before Audrey finally had the guts to fire her. I think it finally happened with Audrey realized her own customers were abandoning her for Slutty Sis.

Whatever. I don't care. I just work here, right?

Anyway - I hope you guys all had fun yesterday drinking green beer and singing songs.

CJ

HappyEndingz - Under New Management

Well yes and no. It's official and it's unofficial. Last night Audrey offered to sell me The Business.

It's really not that big of a deal - she's done it before. And each time I've taken it with a grain of salt. The only true difference this time is that she hasn't set foot in here in what - 2 months now? And as of our last talk, she's not planning on setting foot again anytime in the near future.

So what should I do THIS time? Business is crap. In fact, I've been seriously thinking of taking a friend up on her offer to bartend a couple nights a week. I've tended bar before, so I wouldn't mind doing it again. Heck - the pay would be more stable than around here (and easier on my left hand).

Audrey threw some numbers around and I kinda half listened. Like I've said - she's done this before. So here is a list of pros and cons that I need to consider this time around:

ProsRecently renovated
Easily converted to tanning salon
Already includes a tanning booth
Location (great for a massage parlor)
Run with 3 person staff

Cons
Price
Location (bad for a tanning salon)
$$ to buy extra tanning booths
Not starting "fresh"

I've always wanted my own tanning salon, and somehow this wouldn't be the same. And Audrey is still delusional over what the worth of this place is. But if she came down in price, I would definitely reconsider. In this business, what you're paying for isn't just a couple of rooms and massage tables.

Since advertising is so hard to do and clientile are difficult to establish what you're paying for is the name and reputation. Our customers know that this business at this location provides happy endings. That's why massage parlors often start up at the exact same location of old parlors - reputation. It's like built in advertising. I could even pack up and move, but as long as I take the same name with me the customers will be able to find us (eventually). Sucks not being able to advertise like everyone else.

If I didn't want this place, I could start my own, but then I face the problem of trying to rebuild the customer base. You can't exactly open up the books and start calling customers at home ("Hello? Mrs. Johnson? Could you tell Harvey that Fantasia, Candy, and Paradise have moved and would love to see him at our new location in the K-mart plaza behind Joe's Welding Supply?").

While I had Audrey on the phone, we also talked about the fate of our competitor that got busted. Turns out she knows some history about the owners of that place and she was only surprised this didn't happen earlier.

So there you have it - the news is out there and I would really appreciate your input. I mean, I've been seriously thinking of my escape plan for a couple years now, and then this happens. It's like Karma keeps me tied to the massage table. Or am I just making excuses not to make the tough decision and just leave?

What do you guys think? You've been following this drama for a couple years now so you probably know as much about it as I do!

CJ

Handjobs for Pizza

By the way - I was reading through some of the comments last week about the guy who brought us pizza in the snow. Well I now realize that men would prefer a handjob to getting paid for pizza.

I JUST now got that.

When I was telling that story, it never even occurred to me that "Knight" would have preferred the happy ending to the money. That's why my attitude was like "fine... I hope you're happy with just this handjob..."

I mean the guy was gone for over an hour, driving in the snow. And he must have spent at least $30 on the all the food and drinks. I would have wanted to be paid back! It just didn't occur to me till right this minute that Knight got what he considered the better end of the deal.

If he were my Regular, I would have forced him to take the money and then given him a happy ending just as a "thank you." But that's just me. Sometimes I find it hard to understand the male brain.

It's funny, I've been doing erotic massage for so long that I sometimes forget that there's a reason why it's called a "happy ending." For me, 99% of the effort is in the massage portion. The last 1% is easy. Like I've said before, for most guys the handjob is pretty much up, down, repeat as necessary. But you try working out the kinks on the back of a 250 lbs. trucker who's been sitting down for 16 hours - THAT'S hard.

So anyway, let me give you a quick update on what's going on around here. I spoke with Audrey at length yesterday about when she's supposed to come back. I told her I'm managing quite fine without her, but we could use an extra set of hands (pun intended) for some of the busier shifts. Audrey told me point blank not to count on her coming back anytime soon, but I do have the OK to hire anyone I like.

I guess that's something. The quality of girls that have been dropping by lately has been lacking. I have a couple people in my little black book I may call up and see if they're interested. I'd much rather work with a Ho I know than one I don't know (Little Red - please forward your resume and 2 references).

Have a good weekend guys and watch out for that snow! You never know where you'll get stranded.

CJ

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

I've been going on for a couple weeks now about how awful it was gonna be to start getting Audrey's old customers. But let me tell ya, it's actually working out to our benefit. Let me explain.

While Audrey was around, we would occasionally get one of her Regulars. This was usually when they forgot her schedule, or she called out sick, or whatever. When this happened, we would DREAD it. They'd either bitch about our prices being different, or how Audrey "lets me go down on her...", etc. The best was the old "she owes me a freebie" scam where they demand a free session because they did her a favor or something. So this is basically what the rest of us girls thought was going to happen when Audrey went on leave - only 10 times worse.

It turns out - most of her customers are real sweethearts.

Who woulda thought???? I think what we were seeing before were just customers angry over not getting their dicks sucked. But now that these same guys are coming to us willingly (and that is the key word here), most of them have been pleasantly surprised with how nice the rest of us are.

Here are the top 5 things Audrey's customers have come to expect from her:

1) Lower price
2) Sessions cut short
3) Little to no massage
4) Extras such as fingering and oral release
5) Bad mouthing the other girls

So now they're all coming to us - some willingly and some reluctantly. I mean she's been bad mouthing us for so long, that a lot of her customers will not come back at all. But those that have are all saying what a refreshing change of scenery it is. Customers have been telling us stories about how she rushes them, pushes them for options they don't want, gives a crap massage, and spends half the session telling awful lies about "her girls." Heck - I had one guy tell me that Audrey warned him I'd steal his wallet if he ever came to see me. AND I WORK FOR HER!!!!!

There is a very good chance that Audrey has lost some Regulars for good. A few guys are still pouting that the rest of us girls don't put out to the extent that Audrey does, but for the most part they are all happy customers. The biggest difference I've seen is the increase in requests for a breast release. Apparently guys just had no interest in getting them from her. Last Thursday I had 3 in a row!!!! (1 mine and 2 hers). The Girls were sore that night, but they had definitely earned their keep.

So there you have it - something good actually coming from this whole management mess. And by the time she comes back, I hope to have more than a few new Regulars at her expense.

CJ

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Throw them at the son of a bitch that's been making your life miserable.

Over the course of a week, I had to pull myself off the Playboy Radio channel, AND I lost my Facebook page. In one case I revealed too much, in the other - not enough. Go figure.

And now to complicate things even further, Audrey threw a curveball at me. It's been almost 2 weeks now that she's been out and left me in charge. By the way I see things, I've managed to hold this place together and nothing has burned down. Yet.

Then she calls me last night and tells me she may not be back in 2 weeks. In fact, she may not be back in February. Her other situations, fiascos and crisis have definitely kept her busy and now it turns out she may not be back till March or April (or maybe never). And I'm in charge till then!!!!

Not like I don't run the place already... It's just that it's extra work and responsibility. And if anything goes wrong, I have no one to blame. But the worst thing is that it happens at a time when I was thinking of maybe cutting back my hours and trying to supplement my income with a "real" job.

Well you know what they say? When fate opens a door, it closes all the rest. They say that, don't they? I always talked about having my own business, I just didn't really want it to be this one!!! I guess that tanning business is gonna have to wait.

So what do you think guys? Golden opportunity or head for the hills?

CJ

Close Call

Hey Guys. Sorry I haven't been around lately but things just got crazy after the whole Playboy interview thing.

As you may have noticed, I took down the links to the interview. I had to - Who on Earth would have guessed how many people listen to that show on Playboy Radio???? After I did the show last Thursday, I spent the weekend confessing (or denying as the case may be) to friends that I was on the radio.

So after a week of dealing with the fallout, I regret to announce that I will not be returning to the radio any time soon. Sorry!!! I made the final decision yesterday after a guy who I've been flirting with called me up and said "Hey... there was this chick on the satellite that sounded just like you..."

Yikes. Too close to home. WAYYYY too close.

And to make things more stressful, Audrey had some sort of family emergency last week and abruptly announced that she'll be out of town for the next month, and I'm in charge. Good news is I don't have to stare at her or put up with her bullshit for a couple weeks. Bad news is that we all have to cover her shifts.

Normally I wouldn't mind inheriting the extra business, but the problem is that Audrey's customers are notoriously cheap (and used to having their way with her). And to make it worse, I discovered just recently that she slashed her prices WITHOUT telling us. Great - now I have a whole month to deal with her cheap ass customers demanding happyendings at bargain basement prices.

But enough of my bitching. Since I've been slack at updating lately, I'll make it up to you guys by FINALLY getting around to answering all your questions and comments from the last 2 weeks.

So come on down guys! This month, all handjobs are $20 off. Just use the password "Audrey sent me."

CJ

Audrey In Love

Spring is here and love is in the air. And there must also be something in the water because Audrey has a boyfriend. Yes, I said it. Audrey the Skank Ho Bitch has a boyfriend. AND HE'S NOT EVEN A CUSTOMER THIS TIME!!!! I'm shocked too.

She hasn't given us the full details yet, so we're going on guess work. But the funny thing is that we didn't hear it first from her, we heard it through our customers. The guys who float from girl to girl are the best sources of gossip in a massage parlor, and we're no exception. Our first clue that Audrey was seeing someone was when she stopped letting guys go down on her.

Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard? I guess love means not letting groups of strangers go down on you...

That was the first complaint we started hearing a couple weeks ago. Next, we heard that she had dropped her prices - again. Selfish greedy bitch. $60 for topless and $100 for mutual. $100!!!??? But as one customer put it - "She's used and abused. I ain't touchin that shit for $100." Then just last week, a customer reported that she started offering prostate massages AT NO EXTRA COST!!!!!

(For you newbies out there, a prostate massage is basically a finger up the ass. Sounds gay, but it will give you a mind blowing orgasm - guaranteed. I don't do them for customers, but the boyfriends seem to love 'em)

I guess love means it's still OK to finger a stranger's asshole.

But that's not the icing on the cake. The real clincher here that's got us all pissed off is that we discovered that Audrey has been offering a 4th option - fully clothed hand release for $20. Apparently that's why she's had so many appointments lately. These cheap ass fuckers discovered that they can get a happy ending for $20, instead of the minimum $80 that the rest of us have been charging for a topless.

I know times are bad and we all need to eat, but come on you greedy bitch. I complain about her a lot, but I think I'm justified when you discover that your boss has been stabbing you in the back. Am I right?

Sorry guys, but I had to vent to someone other than Trina. I'll try to find out more about the boyfriend to see what kind of a loser he is. But till then, remember to tip generously!!

CJ

Thanksgiving Blues

I'm fucking pissed off at Audrey right now. I reminded you all that Thanksgiving week is the Mother of All Massage Weeks. Well, two things happened. First off, I can say with proof that the economy is in the shitter since business overall was less than half of what it was last year. This Thanksgiving, I had customers half the customers, and those that did come in were lousy tippers. It felt like another typical week - as if there was no holiday at all. It's almost eerie that no one has the extra cash anymore.

Second, that mother fucking bitch asshole Audrey worked through all my shifts!!!! In other words, whatever few customers came in, I had to share them with her. I would have had more if that bitch cunt hadn't sat there "helping" me with the few guys that bothered to show up. Fuck - I really needed that extra money for Xmas. Oh well.

But the final insult began this week. I typically work nights at the beginning of the week (because they're the worst shifts and Audrey doesn't want them). Usually we're dead, but the beginning of December is what I like to call "my little secret." This is the beginning of hunting season here in PA. It's a HUGE deal around here - so huge that it's kinda like a national holiday for us. In fact, I've even heard that some of the smaller towns actually close their schools for that first day of the season.

Anyway, I can usually count on the phone ringing off the hook, and the doorbell going non-stop. I guess when you get a bunch of guys with an excuse to get out of the house unsupervised for several days at a time, all that testosterone has to go somewhere.

That's where I come in (no pun intended).

For the most part, they're local guys that I don't see regularly. But once deer season starts, they're all in here with good moods and ready to party. The usually take shorter sessions (since they gotta get back on the road), but the tips are usually good. So I can usually clean up big time in a night if I can schedule them just right.

I've kept this surge in business away from Audrey for years now. I kinda flub the numbers in the log and I make sure all answering machine message are deleted before I go home. This way, she's never figured out how busy it actually is. Well, somehow that stupid bitch slut pig figured it out. So for the first time she actually sat in with me for the first 2 nights this week.

The good news is that I got to stick her with a bunch of therapeutic massages (the non-tippers). The bad news is that the overall turnout this year was horrible! But after the big Thanksgiving bust, I wasn't surprised. I guess you could say I was just disappointed. I was really counting on that money this year to make up for this total slump in business.

With any luck, she''s wondering what the big deal is about hunting season, and will NOT try to steal my shifts again next year. Then again, at the rate things are going there may not be a next year around here. Ugh.

I wonder if the Gap is hiring. I look fabulous in their T-shirts.

CJ

Crappy Day

I knew I was going to have a bad morning when I was greeted at work with this answering machine message:

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP........This is a message for Audrey. I think I got a rash on my balls. Thank you - you dirty whore. You fucking slut! You make me sick....... BEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

I shoulda stayed home.

Anyways, in case you were wondering, my schedule has been totally turned upside down. That's why I haven't been writing as often as I used to. Since we hired Rose everyone decided it was time to take their vacations and divide up all the remaining shifts. So now I'm on a totally different routine and working shifts that were traditionally Audreys or Trinas.

It totally sucks.

First off, all my Regulars have been thrown off too. Guys have been showing up and Audrey is the first one to try to steal them... "Oh CJ's not here... why don't you let me take care of you?" At least Trina tells them the truth so they can reschedule with me. I've also been going through my phone list and trying to let everyone know my hours have changed. Blah.

Second, I'm now getting all of Audreys customers! Now you're probably thinking that it's only fair that I try to steal her customers. BUT - the difference is that I don't WANT any of her assholes. Remember that Audrey is kinda full-service (Semi-service? Quasi-service? Three Quarters - service?), so half these guys expect to finger me while the other half expect blow jobs. And ALL of them don't expect to pay full price!

So there I was... 2nd customer of the day, and it's one of Audreys Regulars. I had never had him before, so I reluctantly took him in session. Luckily he only wanted 30 minutes. But as soon as I get him in the room, I get this shit...

"Audrey only charges me $50 for a topless."

Fuck. Why do they always start with me? Since he's Audrey's Regular, I'm not supposed to turn him away, but I don't have to take his shit. Since I'm such a caring, giving person, I compromise. "That's fine. But you get a choice, either topless and no happy ending, or happy ending and keep the sweatshirt."

"You can't do that! I paid for that handjob!"

I looked at him calmly. I've heard this argument a hundred times before. "No, you didn't pay for a handjob - that would be prostitution. You paid for a massage. And it's up to me to do the end part, but only if I want to. And you know what? I don't want to." And with that I turned around and walked out of the room.

"I'll tell Audrey about this!" I heard behind me.

If I had a dollar for each time somebody said that to me, I'd be able to retire.

CJ

Audrey is a lying, stealing, motherfucking bitch

You wanna know how much money I’ve made over the last 2 shifts? Exactly $23. Wanna know how you earn $23 in 2 shifts? I had 3 therapeutic massages, and only 1 of those cheap fuckers bothered to tip me, and he gave me (out of guilt) everything left in his wallet - $23.

Why am I getting screwed? Because that cunt Audrey has been hogging the front desk for the last 2 days, and she just conveniently schedules paying customers for herself and non-tipping therapeutics for me. Look – I know I gotta do the therapeutics just like everyone else, but she’s purposely been sticking me with them. How do I know? Because those 2 non-tipping shits told me they had requested Audrey, but she was too “busy.” THAT BITCH!

Hey – I gotta fill my gas tank just like everyone else. I also have to pay for my food and cell phone and cable and electricity. $23 dollars doesn’t even cover my lunch and gas for 2 days. Fuck I’m mad!!!!!!

And while I had 3 therapeutics in 2 shifts, you wanna guess how many PAYING customers Audrey had? EIGHT (8). When that dumb bitch saw how angry I was getting after watching her book customers for 2 straight days, all she had to say was “Sorry, they were all appointments.” Yeah – appointments to finger you, you dirty skank. Or are you blowing them now? I wouldn’t doubt it. Gawd I hate this place.

Trina feels the same way. Apparently Audrey has been pulling the same shit with her all week. We need to quit this place and start our own business. But then again, I don’t know if I can trust Trina either. I think she’s just 1 late rent payment away from offering blowjobs in session.
Who knows – at this rate maybe I’m not that far behind her either!

And to make things worse, I had to throw out 2 customers today. The first was some cheap ass piece of shit from Philly who actually argued with me about how he thinks everything should be included in the door price – namely the options and happy ending. Sorry buddy, but your $40 only gets you a Crack-Ho around here. Now what really set me off was the next guy who waited till he was already in the room to let me know that he only had $20 to tip, but he wanted a topless with hand release. Now I’ve had this type of asshole plenty of times – the guy who knowingly gets in the room with little money, and hopes you’ll bargain with him. Normally it doesn’t set me off, but after the week I’ve had, this guy said the absolutely wrong thing to me – “But Audrey does it all the time…”

I was actually looking forward to coming in today since it was just gonna be me and Trina. But that was it - I went ballistic on his ass. I started yelling at the guy, “I don’t care what you do with that bitch! You’ve been here before, so don’t you even pretend you don’t know what the prices are. If Audrey wants to jerk your sorry ass off for $20, that’s fine. But ya know what - ya get what you pay for. And her shit may be worth only $20, but mine ain’t!”

And with that I opened the door to the room and stood there looking at him. I don’t think he was expecting his session to go this way because he just left without looking me in the eye. He may end up telling Audrey that I was rude to him, but at this point I don’t really care anymore. She can have as many customers like this that she wants.

CJ

p.s. It's nice having a place to vent.

p.p.s. Since I originally wrote this, I had a customer confess that she blew him for $100. Gawd I hate her so much!!!!!

Vacation!

I have so much work stuff I want to talk about, but I have to tell you about my weekend first.

Remember how I was all bitchy and depressed when I realized I was missing my annual romantic getaway to the beach? Well, I was complaining about it last week to (of all people) Audrey. And even though she’s a lying, stealing and conniving skank, she actually felt bad enough to take me to Atlantic City for the weekend!

I was supposed to work Saturday and Sunday, so she just offered my shifts to the new girl (who was more than happy for the chance to make some extra $$) and off we went. It turns out that Audrey had all these comps at Caesar’s that she’s been sitting on, so hotel room and food we’re practically free! Friday morning I packed a couple of my sluttiest dresses, a pair of shorts, T-shirts, and a bikini and we jumped in her car and made it to AC by noon.

And let me tell ya – even though I talk a lot of shit about her, we had the best time! We started off our weekend with a couple drinks at the bar (which by the way were the ONLY drinks I had to pay for all weekend!) then we hit the boardwalk for some site seeing and sun. We went window shopping in that new pier/mall thing next to Caesars. We had funnel cake on the boardwalk. We even went on a ride with one of those rick-shaw things. It was just soooooo nice to spend a few days giving my arm a rest.

Now I prefer the beaches of Maryland for vacation, but this was the one and only time I had fun at the Jersey shore. They have this bar that’s actually across the boardwalk and located on the beach. We practically lived there for 2 days. I met a bunch of really cute guys, but there was this 1 in particular who was really hot and kept buying drinks for me and Audrey. She said he kinda looked like Nick Lachey, only hotter. We drank and danced and basically teased the shit out of everyone. Audrey’s only rule for the weekend was no guys in the room since this was supposed to be about me just having a good time and forgetting about my singleness. So needless to say, poor CJ went home with Audrey every evening.

Funny thing about casino bars in AC - apparently the male clientele sometimes have trouble distinguishing between the party girls and the working girls. I figured this out after 2 guys made really really bad attempts to ask me "how much?" without actually saying "how much?" So I asked the bartender if the place was full of assholes or was it just me. He explained that the hookers come out in force on the weekends, but it would take a really drunken, overly optimistic guy to confuse me with one.

Now when we weren’t milking guys for drinks, or dirty dancing in front of the DJ, we were hitting the slots (I won $25 – go me!), pigging out at a buffet, or shopping. Saturday and Sunday mornings were spent on the beach nursing our hangovers and working on our tans.

When we left for home on Sunday evening (never leave AC on a Sunday afternoon – the expressway is a parking lot), I had 5 phone numbers scribbled on napkins and business cards, and Audrey had 11. It was on the Atlantic City Expressway that Audrey introduced me to a ritual of hers. Whenever she heads home from a weekend in AC, she opens up all the windows in the car and cranks the radio really loud. Then sometime after the first toll booth, she takes the phone numbers she has collected and throws them all out the window. She called this her “purging ritual” and said it was necessary to keep AC as her special getaway and not let it affect her home life.

So I took a deep breath and emptied my fake Prada purse of all those little memories of the guys that coulda been – even Nick Lachey guy. I have to admit, it felt kinda good to know that I still got it!

CJ

Part 4 - Where are they now?

Welcome to Part 4 of my ever increasingly badly named 3 Part Series. After I finally finished telling that last story, I realized just how difficult it was for me to go through that again. I think that's why I just had no interest in sitting down in front of the computer and saying anything. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to change the subject and talk about funny stuff again.

For example... On Monday I had another 300 pound guy come in (Just gotta love them, right?). He took 1 look at me and (no lie) he said "I like 'em skinny. Is there anyone else working here?" I'm a freakin size 2 for gawds sake. When I told him no, he probably couldn't help but hear the resentment I had in my voice. He said "Fine. I'll take you anyway..." So I told him I had an appointment and he had to leave - NOW. How's that bi-otch! Nowadays I have just zero tolerance for assholes.

My girl Slutty McWhore (great blog - go read it it) left a funny comment about how she hopes our prices have gone up since the old days. Well, even though the job is more or less the same as back when I started, there are a lot of small differences. For starters, our prices have gone up roughly 50% since those days. Unfortunately, guys take longer sessions now - so the house makes more money while we work longer.

I continued being a one-handed-tug wonder for about 2 years before I finally started to improve my technique (not that anyone ever complained). I had been working for a couple of months before I got my first request for a "Breast Release" to which I replied "We don't do that here." After I told a co-worker about that freak, she explained that what he wanted was a good, old-fashioned Titty Fuck. Ohhhhhhhhh... Now I know. She said I could probably charge a couple extra hundred for it, then gave me some pointers on how to keep the semen out of my hair. That's when I realized that I could go from Mo' Money to Mad Money overnight.

A couple years later, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn ended up losing that business after going partners with a man. They should have known better!!!! He ripped them off for everything until the place was forced to shut down - then he reopened a new place across town and took most of the girls with him. I'm still in touch with some of the girls to this day. Some stayed masseuses, while a couple others I lost to drugs or abusive boyfriends. A few went legit. I ended up working for that guy for exactly 1 week before I decided that I shouldn't have to blow anyone just to keep my job.

I worked for a couple different bosses before I finally ended up with Audrey. Over the years, the fate of most businesses has been to slowly turn to full-service. After a business stops offering massages, it's pretty much nothing more than a brothel. Then the cops take notice and they shut down. The sleazy owners (usually guys) then open up shop elsewhere, while the girls circulate through other Businesses.

The "Massage Parlor" is slowly becoming a thing of the past. It's getting harder in this business to keep things sexy without actually crossing over into sex - especially when the full-service places are just around the corner. I mean, we still have our fans - guys who just want to relax for an hour with a little something extra at the end. Then there are the fetishists who don't want sex and find masseuses very understanding of their needs.

I can't fault these girls for eventually making the jump to full-service. The money is usually better, but sometimes you have to because every other girl you work with does it. When you realize one day that customers keep going to all the other girls, you might just give in and let some guy finger you so you can pay your phone bill.

So there you have it - I'm the last of a dying breed! And that's a pretty good summary of what's happened around here in between my first happy ending and that last one from this afternoon. I'll try to be more upbeat next time.

CJ

Bosses

I got an interesting comment from my last post about the perks a male boss would have in this business. I have to admit that I have worked for a guy who had to be serviced if I wanted to work for him. But let me explain first that I worked for this guy just long enough to make a few bucks before he got tired of hearing me make excuses for not putting out. Fuck him.

I had another male boss who didn’t touch the girls. All he cared about was the “Cha-Ching.” That’s probably the main difference between male and female bosses. Men want you to bring in as much money as you possibly can. Meanwhile, women bosses will try to steal as much money off you as they possibly can. Let me explain.

When a man owns a business, he wants each girl to make as much money as possible because guys usually skim off the top. This means you are always welcome to work extra hours and extra shifts. It also means turning tricks in the room. That’s why I’ve never had much success working for guys because a girl who only does hand releases isn’t going to bring in as much as one of his full-service Ho’s. This is one of the reasons why I’ve never seen a business owned by a man that wasn’t full service.

Now as far as the “perks” go, some bosses will ask for them and some won’t. If a Business is a cash cow, then some girls will put up with it because the money is good. But I will tell you right now that girls will always go towards the easiest money – so if they can earn the same across town WITHOUT having to fuck some asshole, they’ll switch businesses real quick.

What this all means to you (the consumer – LOL) is the sleazier the owner, the sleazier the business. This is because any girl with even a tiny bit of self esteem won’t work for them. I know it’s kinda odd to talk about “self esteem” in an industry built around the hand job, but even with all the perversion around – work is still work, and a job is still a job. If you hate your boss now, imagine if you also had to drop to your knees and suck his dick whenever he wanted! I may hate my boss Audrey, but at least all she does is steal my customers.

Women bosses are a whole other story. The good thing is a female boss will never ask you into her office for a blow job. The bad thing is that they’re all bitches who will rip you off in a heartbeat. Now a woman boss will usually treat you more fairly by not taking a percentage - but she’ll try to squeeze more out of the door money, and she will always screw you out of a customer every chance she gets.

The other thing about women bosses is that they’re women who are bosses. Imagine all the catiness that women usually have when they work together – now double it. I’ve never had a male boss say anything about my clothing or makeup. Now women I've worked for – whoa! They will constantly ride you about what you wear, what you eat, what you drink, who you date, what you watch, etc. etc. etc.

Ugh – now I’m all worked up. I can’t stand my boss and bitching about her didn’t help. Oh well. Hope this cleared a few things up for you guys. Have a good weekend.

CJ

That Lying, Stealing Bitch

As you may have noticed, yours truly CJ has been gone for a while. I had a really bad cold and remained bedridden for a week. So when I was finally well enough to leave the house to run some errands, I ran into a regular customer of mine – Sugar Daddy Brad (SDB I call him for short, but the whole “Sugar Daddy” thing I’ll talk about later – I could write a whole book on them alone). Well, I’m walking in the store when I hear…”Thanks for blowing me off CJ.”

Since I wasn’t expecting to see him in public, it really caught me by surprise. I run into customers outside the business now and then and it's usually awkward for them, but since this is one of my favorite guys, I don't mind. Anyway, SDB was giving me a real dirty look. “What are you doing here? I thought you were busy,” he said sarcastically. I told him I was home all week. “What are you talking about? I made an appointment with you today, and Audrey said that you were too busy to see me when I got there and…” This is where my hand shot up in his face.

“Audrey said what?” I said angrily. Now my face was turning red. I knew where he was going with this, and it was confirming some things I’ve been suspecting for a long time. It’s the kind of work politics that I wasn’t planning on talking about here, but today I am PISSED.

Now SDB is looking at me a little uncertain, like he’s just figured out he’s said something wrong. “When I got to the Business today, Audrey said that you were booked and that I could see her instead. Then we got into a little fight because she wouldn't take NO for an answer. But before I left, I told her to tell you that I thought it was bullshit what you were pulling. That’s what happened!”

So that’s it – my boss has been stealing customers from me. And one of my regulars!!!! That is such bullshit! It’s like taking money out of my pocket! I told you guys before that times have been tough lately, but this is no excuse to steal customers from each other. I mean, I expect that kind of behavior from Luna, BUT NOT FROM MY OWN BOSS. Now if you’re thinking this is not a big deal – what’s a few dollars between coworkers every now and then? – it’s a really big deal with our regulars.

“Regulars” are guys who’ve chosen 1 girl and see her on a regular basis. “Floaters” are guys who enjoy playing the field and will wander freely between masseuses, and even businesses. Now “Sugar Daddies” are a special category. Basically, they’re Regulars who tip very well. So that’s why stealing 1 is a big deal. SDB I can count on for a couple hundred bucks ABOVE my normal tip. And that's why I’m so mad!

But now that the cats out of the bag, I'll start telling you guys all the dirty little secrets about Audrey instead of just mine. Payback’s a bitch – BITCH.

Now lets get back to what’s pissing me off. AUDREY IS FULL SERVICE. There – I’ve said it. I’ve been suspecting it for a while and now it’s confirmed. I don’t know what to say. She’s been lying all this time about how we conduct business. She’s been stealing customers from behind all our backs. And now we’re crossing that line between massage parlor and whorehouse.

Now we all take liberties from time to time in the rooms with special customers (or if the money is right, LOL). But I have NEVER NEVER NEVER gone down on a customer, or let him go down on me. And I have never let anyone stick anything anywhere in my body. That's what hookers are for.

And what about the business? If 1 girl goes full service, then business starts to slide her way and the rest of us lose money. Then that puts pressure on the rest of us to follow suit. Then the clientele changes over to that sleazier element you normally see at the Asian places. Finally, the neighbors start noticing, reporters start taking pictures in the parking lot, and finally the cops start showing up.

So where does that leave me? As of right this minute, Audrey doesn't know that I figured out what she's been up to - stealing clients and going all the way. Let me tell ya, when your livelihood has been threatened and your boss betrays you and you can't pay the bills anymore - it tends to fuck up your day. I know you guys all think that I have no morals, but that's not true. I've drawn a line, and I've kept to it all these years. And I don't plan on crossing it just to make a buck.

I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I'll be back at work this weekend, and I'm not sure what I'm going to say to her. It's gonna be tough not telling that bitch off to her face. Wish me luck.

CJ