Confessions Of An Erotic Employer

We've had 6 girls in here so far, and each one worse than the other. I mean, what happened to all the good old fashioned, all-American, erotic masseuses? I'm talking about a girl with her massage license who can work all the knots out of your back, discuss sports and politics, crack a joke, and stroke a cock while looking good in high heels. Is that too much to ask for?

At this point I'm just looking for a girl who doesn't have any missing teeth or needle tracks. And if you think I'm just being picky, you should try applying at a male-owned parlor. The interview usually consists of a blowjob.

I've talked to Trina about this, and we've both decided to drag this out as long as possible. Yes, the current hours suck since we have to divide up all the shifts between the 2 of us, but things aren't that busy yet. I figure we'll have till the end of this month before we'll need the help. Besides, it would be impossible to take time off during the summer without an extra girl or 2.

Audrey is bitching that she wants someone NOW, but only because she's afraid we're losing appointments. She even offered to come back and help us work the sweet shifts on the weekends (of course). Gawd forbid she would offer to take a Wednesday night when NO ONE shows up. Oh well, it's nice to be the owner...

Anyway, the quality of applicants is lacking to say the least. We did get a girl in here who was working at one of the non-Asian places that got busted last year. I said no because even though she had experience, she was used to working full-service and she looked pretty skanky in my opinion. A couple other girls were obvious druggies. And then there was one girl who had a pretty interesting story.

"Candy" was a stripper from Florida who moved back in with her parents here in PA. She hasn't found work at any of the local clubs, so that's when she turned to us. When I asked her if she had any other experience besides dancing she said "Well, I did do a bit of acting."

Acting?

Turns out Candy was working the local porn scene down in Florida. Now when I heard "porn" I immediately thought of school girl outfits, pizza delivery boys, and hairy old men wearing lots of gold chains (goes to show what I know of today's adult movies). Candy said it wasn't like that at all. She said she would occasionally get parts in what she called "Reality Porn" movies.

Apparently there's a type of porn that's supposed to look like real people having candid sex. College kids, horny housewives, leaked sex tapes, etc. The way Candy describes it, it's all a very elaborate hoax. And in fact, it's probably even more produced and scripted than regular fuck-n-suck porn.

She would play background parts like bachelorette party girl, or drunken sorority slut. Her job was to pretend to be a "friend" of the movies actual star and pretend to be shocked by her outrageous behavior. The hardcore sex parts were played by real porn stars - usually girls who were just breaking into the industry. Candy said she would get anywhere between a hundred bucks for "Anonymous Girl" and up to several hundred for "Horny Friend" if she got naked and danced on camera.

Now you're all probably wondering why we didn't hire her on the spot. Remember - I'm looking for a girl who's gonna show up on time and do her best not to lose any customers. To be honest, strippers typically make lousy masseuses. They're never on time, and they always skip their shifts when the club calls. But on the plus side, she's NOT full service, she would be incredibly entertaining to have around, and she's local. I actually liked her personally, I just don't think she would be a good fit for us.

Currently my favorite girl has previous massage experience, but has never done happy endings before. She's licensed, but was the first one laid off at the spa she used to work at when business tanked. Trina didn't like her, but I did. But I'll keep you posted. Like I said, we'll try to postpone anyone getting hired for at least another month.

CJ

Confessions Of An Erotic Writer

After sitting around for several uneventful hours at work during a snow storm, I have decided to write a book. It's an action story about this girl who works as a tough-as-nails cop by day, and a high-end masseuse at night. I'm going to call it "Licensed To Thrill."

I got the idea from a guy who once asked me if I was secretly a cop trying to entrap customers. So my heroine "Aurora Sparks" is a high-priced masseuse at night, servicing the rich and powerful, including corrupt politicians, mob bosses, and drug kingpins. She gains their trust and gets secrets from them. Then during the day, she uses this information to bust them as detective "Melanie Sands."

So whadya think - would you read it? How about the Hollywood blockbuster starring Angelina Jolie as Aurora/Melanie? I would have that bearded guy from The Hangover Zach Galifianakis as her bumbling partner who's totally suspicious of where Melanie gets all her tips. I would totally see that in the theater.

This is what my brain gets up to when I'm stranded at work in a snow storm with nothing to do. Of course I could have been coming up with something for the blog, but I got totally carried away with this instead. And it didn't help that the only DVD we had lying around was a copy of The Hangover.

OK, back to handjob stories next week. Sorry.

CJ

The Client List

Did any of you guys catch the "Client List" with Jennifer Love Hewitt on Lifetime? It was another poor attempt by Hollywood to show what a massage parlor is "truly" like on the inside. Makes me gag. Once again another example of someone screwing things up by not consulting an erotic masseuse.

I think most things in life would go easier if you consulted with an erotic masseuse first, don't you? (I'm STILL looking at you Al)

Anyway, I forced myself to sit through some of it in the name of professional development. I rolled my eyes through most of it, but then again I realized that the point of the movie was to make things sexy and scandalous so people would watch. If you want realism, check out those HBO specials on the Bunny Ranch. Now those are some real whores.

So what was technically wrong with it you ask? Well for starters, all the workers were drop dead gorgeous. But they had to be - they were all Hollywood actresses and not teenage runaways, drug addicts, strippers, or morally challenged massage therapists. A real massage parlor worker has more of the "girl next door" look. And a full service bordello (like in the movie) is more like the kinda girls you see in Walmart at 2:30 in the morning.

Another thing that bugged me was all the women walking around in lingerie at work. There is no quicker way to get busted by the cops than by having your staff walking around half naked. At a real massage parlor, the staff lays low and dresses conservatively so anyone walking in off the street would never suspect anything. But once in the room, you can break out all the lingerie, stiletto heels, and rubber masks to your hearts content.

And finally, I LOVED the fact that this place catered to the rich and powerful. Boy, I wonder if they're still hiring! The fact of the matter is that you don't really get to choose your customers - especially in this economy. A Busboy's money is just as good as a Lawyers. Do you really think there's a woman at the front desk asking for customers resumes?

I mean, we've had our share of local politicians, cops, lawyers, doctors, business owners, etc. But politicians tend to be REALLY discrete when they stop by. They do the whole dark glasses, fake name routine. You know who brags the most about who they are? - local TV/radio/sports guys. They're just famous enough to want you to kiss their ass, and not famous enough to worry about the scandal of being caught in a massage parlor.

Now if Steven Spielberg is out there reading this crap - give me a call and I'll give you the REAL inside story of a massage parlor. But then again, could you really show a handjob in a movie?

CJ