The Client List

Did any of you guys catch the "Client List" with Jennifer Love Hewitt on Lifetime? It was another poor attempt by Hollywood to show what a massage parlor is "truly" like on the inside. Makes me gag. Once again another example of someone screwing things up by not consulting an erotic masseuse.

I think most things in life would go easier if you consulted with an erotic masseuse first, don't you? (I'm STILL looking at you Al)

Anyway, I forced myself to sit through some of it in the name of professional development. I rolled my eyes through most of it, but then again I realized that the point of the movie was to make things sexy and scandalous so people would watch. If you want realism, check out those HBO specials on the Bunny Ranch. Now those are some real whores.

So what was technically wrong with it you ask? Well for starters, all the workers were drop dead gorgeous. But they had to be - they were all Hollywood actresses and not teenage runaways, drug addicts, strippers, or morally challenged massage therapists. A real massage parlor worker has more of the "girl next door" look. And a full service bordello (like in the movie) is more like the kinda girls you see in Walmart at 2:30 in the morning.

Another thing that bugged me was all the women walking around in lingerie at work. There is no quicker way to get busted by the cops than by having your staff walking around half naked. At a real massage parlor, the staff lays low and dresses conservatively so anyone walking in off the street would never suspect anything. But once in the room, you can break out all the lingerie, stiletto heels, and rubber masks to your hearts content.

And finally, I LOVED the fact that this place catered to the rich and powerful. Boy, I wonder if they're still hiring! The fact of the matter is that you don't really get to choose your customers - especially in this economy. A Busboy's money is just as good as a Lawyers. Do you really think there's a woman at the front desk asking for customers resumes?

I mean, we've had our share of local politicians, cops, lawyers, doctors, business owners, etc. But politicians tend to be REALLY discrete when they stop by. They do the whole dark glasses, fake name routine. You know who brags the most about who they are? - local TV/radio/sports guys. They're just famous enough to want you to kiss their ass, and not famous enough to worry about the scandal of being caught in a massage parlor.

Now if Steven Spielberg is out there reading this crap - give me a call and I'll give you the REAL inside story of a massage parlor. But then again, could you really show a handjob in a movie?

CJ