The Derek Dilemma

Hey guys. I'm over my cold in case you were wondering, but that's because I gave it to Maude. It's so bad she isn't speaking to me. She says it's all my fault for not regularly taking advantage of the 15 bottles of Purell she has carefully set on every flat surface of The Business.

But that's the least of my concerns right now. I know what you're thinking... "What concerns could you possibly have now that you're the co-manager and partner of a massage parlor? Why you're practically living the dream!" Yes, to the casual observer I may appear to lead a charmed life. But I do have my share of problems.

And my biggest problem right now is named Derek. Well, he's not exactly the problem, but more sort of the complex and delicate situation I've created with him. It all started a long time ago when he first asked me "So what do you do for a living?" Well, I kinda told a tiny little fib, then covered it up with a white lie, wrapped it up in an untruth, stuffed it down a deceit, and then buried it in a fabrication before burning it down inside an abandoned warehouse of fraud.

I told Derek "I'm a shampooist."

99% of the time, that has satisfied the curiosity of most guys. In fact, I swear I can hear a checkbox being ticked off inside a guys head after I've answered that question - freeing him to ask me if I have any tattoos or if I want another drink.

And that answer seemed to satisfy Derek - for a while. But now let's go back to to last summer when I walked out of The Business. Suddenly I was an unemployed shampooist. And you know what an unemployed shampooist cannot do? Go independent. Whoever heard of an outcall shampooist?

So now I had to explain to Derek why I had to go visit "clients" to make money. At first I told stories about how I was picking up a couple bucks a week by visiting my mothers friends at home and doing their hair. Believable. At first. But then as my appointments started to pick up, I couldn't claim that I was washing the same head of hair over and over again.

That's when I kinda sorta casually mentioned that I started offering therapeutic massages.

To my mom's friends.

And some of their friends.

At really weird hours.

Several times a week.

I had to dig up my old massage table from my mom's basement and throw it in the back of my truck! I found some of my old books from massage school and left them around my place for Derek to find! "Oh, did I forget to tell you that took a class or 2 in massage therapy a while ago? I mean, I never used it or anything. Except for that one time... I may have had a job... at a place... somehere... but it never worked out."

I kept this up for a while and right when it finally started to look like I was gonna get away with it - Audrey called me up and offered me a sweet deal. Fuck!!! Now I need a whole new set of lies to cover up the previous lies, and justify the new lies. How on Earth could I go from unemployed shampooist to co-manager in 9 months? Even this was a stretch for a skilled deceptionist like me. How could I convince him I was one hell of a shampooer?

Part of me wants to just come clean and say "Derek, I jerk guys off for a living." In fact, I've dreamed about that over and over again for a very long time. It would probably be the most freeing and stress relieving statement I could make at this point in my life. But the practical part of me wants to say...

"... Insert perfect lie here..."

And this is where you guys come in. I would love to know what the perfect lie would be. I mean, I can't even figure it out.

Honestly, I think the ideal thing is going to be something between the truth and a lie. A sort of quasi-lie or truthy-fib. I'm pretty good at those. Another option is what I call the "joking truth." This is where I actually tell the truth but as a joke. For example, "Why did Audrey put me in charge? Because I love to get naked and jerk off my customers - duh." This way I can always claim to Derek that I told him the truth and it's not my fault if he didn't believe me.

So can you guys out there do better? Points given for the most original solution. And points subtracted for each use of the word "whore." Good luck

CJ

I'm Back

Literally and literally (get it?). I started back at the Business just after Thanksgiving. Turns out they had been all but shut down for a couple months now. I knew what I was getting into since Trina kept me up to date on what was going on ever since I left. But my return isn't what's interesting - it's why I left in the first place.

For those of you who are new here, you can catch up on all the drama starting here. But to truly understand why I walked out in the first place, you gotta remember what bullshit I was up to the moment it happened. So start reading here. It's OK... I'll wait.

Done? OK... Basically the reason why I quit back in July is because I take my job waaaaaaaaay too seriously. I mean for a girl who gives handjobs for a living, it's really hard to do. You really have to try to pretend that any of this nonsense matters and that 40 hours of your week actually mean something. Let me explain.

I spent weeks looking for a girl to replace Cindy AND Audrey (remember them?). I mean, we lost 2 girls over the past 2 years and ran The Business without them. Audrey was a real loss even though I still think she's a lying, cheating, scumbag bitch. The problem is that she's a workaholic lying, cheating, scumbag bitch. So I knew replacing her was gonna be hard.

I ended up interviewing, I don't know - dozens of losers before narrowing it down to 2 girls who I thought might actually fit in. My main concern was personality fit, massage experience, customer appeal, and NO DRUGGIES. I'm not exaggerating when I say it took a couple months before I found some girls I actually liked. If I remember correctly, I think one was a plain girl with lots of therapeutic experience, and the other one had the right attitude, but no experience other than taking her clothes off in front of strangers.

Now remember, I'm interviewing for the position of Erotic Masseuse at a tiny massage parlor in backwater PA. It's not exactly Chief of Medicine in a big hospital. But like I said, I take my job waaaaaay too seriously. So imagine how I felt when Audrey called me up and said she hired a girl who was starting the next day.

Well first off, I was absolutely pissed off that she completely ignored all the work I put into this and stuck us with a total stranger. But it turned out that was just the start of the problems. When the girl (we'll call her Britney) showed up, she was pretty much the exact opposite of everything I wanted in a co-worker.

To put it in a nutshell, Audrey hired a meth addict that owed her money. End of story.

I guess she figured that if she actually gave this skank a job, then she'd be able to eventually pay her back. Look - I don't know anything about the drama that goes on around Audrey. Shit - I don't want to know the drama. But now I was in the middle of it, and that was why I walked out one bright and sunny day last summer.

Now to be fair, the term "skank" was of my choosing. Britney may have been quite virtuous for all I knew. But I do recognize a fucking tweaker when I see one. I mean Britney had bags under her eyes, needle tracks, and missing teeth. I don't know what customer in his right mind would look at her and say "I want HER - open sores are sexy...." I mean it was THAT bad.

So I left. In my mind, if I was going to hang on to any remaining shred of dignity that I had, there was no choice. It's not every day that your boss basically tells you that your job can be done by a fucking meth addict.

Turns out I was right. Shortly after I left, Trina said things starting "missing" around The Business. Then Trina said she had cash stolen out of her purse. Next Maude noticed the deposit wasn't balancing at the end of the night. And that was just the start...

The clientele started to change. A whole new crop of customers started showing up just to see Britney. In most cases it's fine and dandy to have your own Regulars, but according to Trina, these guys were just bad news. When you've been in the business as long as we have, you know what a customer looks like. Trina said guys were coming in for 15, 10 - even 5 minutes at a time. Sometimes Britney would take 2 guys "in session."

Of course it was all total bullshit, but she was bringing in customers and Audrey was making money, so she turned a blind eye to it. Then sometime in October, Britney was arrested on drug charges. NOT in The Business thank goodness. Finally Audrey woke up and realized that she was just a plea deal away from having The Business raided, everything seized as evidence and her going to jail. For all intents and purposes she closed up shop for a month. Trina said she was only seeing Regulars by appointment.

But I have to give it to Audrey - she can be pretty damn smart when she needs to. She didn't tell her sister to skip town for a couple months. Maude didn't go home - in fact she did the opposite. She stayed at work on a regular basis and gave the illusion that we were still a real salon. A salon without customers, but a legitimate business just the same. Audrey told Maude to supervise a "makeover" of the place. During the couple of months they were shut down, The Business got a fresh coat of paint, some needed maintenance, new carpeting, and even some new furniture. She just spaced it out very slowly over 2 months. Apparently Maude showed up every day to make sure everything went smoothly. Most days she sat there at work all by herself. Now THAT is a trooper.

And that's pretty much what happened while I was gone. But now I'm back and the goal is to rebuild our customer base. One of the conditions for me returning isn't just to hire a new girl or 2. I now have this sort of limited "partnership" I guess you'd call it. I get first say in some of the management aspects, and Maude is supposed to have the rest. Audrey will now be a "silent" partner. She still owns it, and collects the profits, but no more meddling in how it's run. What this may eventually lead to is me buying her out in a couple years. We'll see.

Now go ahead - tell me I'm crazy. I'm just happy at this point to have a regular 40-hour work week again.

CJ

I'm Back. (Maybe)

Audrey called me today.

And she called yesterday. In fact she's been calling a lot lately. I think it's because she's convinced she's wearing me down and may get me to come back to The Business soon.

She may be right. We've actually been "talking" for several months now, but most of it was just trivial chit chat. When I first stormed out of work in what seems like an eternity ago, I absolutely wanted nothing to do with her, and wouldn't pick up any of her calls.

But after a few months when I had gotten over it, we started chatting again. We both figured out the secret was to totally NOT discuss anything to do with work. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy chatting with Audrey. She may be a two-faced, lying, cheating, and stealing whore - BUT she's a very friendly and interesting two-faced, lying, cheating and stealing whore.

Keep in mind that I've known this woman for my entire career in erotic massage. It's not easy to just say I'm never going to speak to someone, but it is easy to say I'm never setting foot in that door again. In fact, I've said that many a time - and often in a very loud and slightly screechy voice too. So continuing to talk to Audrey every now and then was never really a big deal to me.

Now to you guys out there, it's a different story. I would be lying if I didn't think talking about her would make me sound hypocritical or whatever. That's why I never brought it up till now. I knew some of you would give me shit for being weak and not sticking to my guns, etc. So that's why I've finally decided to confess it now.

And partly because I've been thinking seriously about going back to work for her. The little "problem" that resulted in me walking out has been gone for a long time now. Audrey learned her lesson and I made my point. This also means that I can finally get around to explaining why I left The Business.

But I think I'll save that story for after Thanksgiving dinner. Right now let me just admit that going independent was pretty damn rough on all aspects of my life. My schedule was unpredictable. The money was either feast or famine. A couple of times I feared for my safety because of the customer, or just the location. And a big reason was probably the slow erosion of my personal boundaries and self esteem. After all this time on my own, I started to feel less and less like a masseuse and more like a whore.

Well maybe not so much a whore as whore-light. But either way, it got to the point where I absolutely dreaded each new appointment. I mean at first, it was fun. I felt liberated. I felt free. I loved the feeling of knowing that I could now do whatever I wanted and live by MY rules instead of Audrey's. But eventually it degenerated into a daily struggle over how much of my self-respect will I auction off today.

The first appointments on my own were actually really fun for me. No clock watching. No reason to be hush-hush. No worrying about getting caught by Audrey bending a rule.

By the time I had my little breakdown, each session felt like torture. No you can't put that there. Get that out of my eye. Are you through yet? You're getting too rough. That hurts. Suddenly I wanted a clock to watch. I wanted these guys to settle down. I wanted someone elses "rules" I could hide behind. To put it quite plainly, I wanted The Business back.

And I think Audrey figured it out during the course of our occasional telephone calls. So she eventually asked if I wanted to come back, and I told her I'd think about it. I mean, it's hardly a done deal. There are a LOT of changes that need to be made first before I'll come back. But we'll see. I know Trina misses me.

But mostly I want to come back because of the hours. You try meeting a customer on his back porch at exactly 7:55 a.m. after parking your car 2 blocks away behind the Taco Bell. That got old real quick.

CJ

Taboo

When you're trying to find something interesting about work to talk about, that's when you realize all the stuff you're NOT allowed to talk about. I've always made it a point to never use real names (that's why there's probably a dozen stories in this blog about a guy named "Mike"). I've slipped up a few times, but it's not like anyone will ever figure it out.

Hopefully.

CJ Who?
Now when it comes to interesting customer stories, I have to be careful about who I write about and when. For example, I make it a point NOT to mention readers who have actually done their homework and found The Business. And yes - there have been a lucky few. You have no idea how freaky it is to have a guy on the table asking me if I've ever heard of "CJ" or "happyendingz." So the last thing I can do is write "another guy found me yesterday" without him figuring it out. And those guys can NEVER be a freak of the week, which can be damn frustrating, let me tell ya.

The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Guilty
Another thing I can't mention are the actual names of local businesses. I mean if they're in the paper as getting shut down, I can't stop anyone from finding it on the internet. But real names I'll never post here. When I first started this blog, I used to make the mistake of recommending local parlors to guys who asked me by email. Then it quickly dawned on me that if I mention the competition, then by the process of elimination they could eventually find me. So now my standard reply to requests for appointments or recommendations is "sorry, but I can't for obvious reasons..."

TMI
Then there's things I just shouldn't talk about - or at least not in too much detail. For example, I've been keeping you guys up to date on how we've been protecting ourselves here at The Business during the current crackdown. I've mentioned a few things we've done, like cut off newbies for a few months, but then there are specific techniques that we use that I won't mention here - just in case. So before any of you assume that we're all sucking off state troopers to stay in business - think again. That technique obviously didn't work for the other parlors that got raided recently. However, if any of my girls are out there reading this (Red I'm talking to you), I'll gladly give you an update on the latest intel.

Regulars
Lastly, there are my beloved Regulars. I've made it a point not to do profiles on my regular customers because over time I'd probably end up revealing enough info for these guys to recognize themselves on the internet. That's why I usually do individual stories, with a new fake name attached each time. The last thing I need is a Regular to realize "Hey - I'm Freddie the Foot Fetish Fan!"

A Guy Walks Into A Bar...
And did you ever notice how I start my stories with "A guy came in yesterday..."? It's always "yesterday" or "last week" or whatever. So if anyone out there thought I was talking about you personally because you just happened to be in a massage parlor yesterday wearing women's underwear asking to be spanked - I apologize. Maybe it really was you yesterday. Maybe not. But never ever assume that you're the only guy on the planet who practices your particular little kink. Hell, I still meet foot fetish guys who are shocked to hear that I have a standard price for that.

Think you're the only guy who ever dressed up as Little Bo Peep, and asked me to baaaa like a sheep? There's a reason why they sell her costume in XXL in adult toy stores.

Now if I ever slip up and mention the butterfly tattoo on your left ass cheek........ oh shit!

CJ

HappyEndingz - Under New Management

Well yes and no. It's official and it's unofficial. Last night Audrey offered to sell me The Business.

It's really not that big of a deal - she's done it before. And each time I've taken it with a grain of salt. The only true difference this time is that she hasn't set foot in here in what - 2 months now? And as of our last talk, she's not planning on setting foot again anytime in the near future.

So what should I do THIS time? Business is crap. In fact, I've been seriously thinking of taking a friend up on her offer to bartend a couple nights a week. I've tended bar before, so I wouldn't mind doing it again. Heck - the pay would be more stable than around here (and easier on my left hand).

Audrey threw some numbers around and I kinda half listened. Like I've said - she's done this before. So here is a list of pros and cons that I need to consider this time around:

ProsRecently renovated
Easily converted to tanning salon
Already includes a tanning booth
Location (great for a massage parlor)
Run with 3 person staff

Cons
Price
Location (bad for a tanning salon)
$$ to buy extra tanning booths
Not starting "fresh"

I've always wanted my own tanning salon, and somehow this wouldn't be the same. And Audrey is still delusional over what the worth of this place is. But if she came down in price, I would definitely reconsider. In this business, what you're paying for isn't just a couple of rooms and massage tables.

Since advertising is so hard to do and clientile are difficult to establish what you're paying for is the name and reputation. Our customers know that this business at this location provides happy endings. That's why massage parlors often start up at the exact same location of old parlors - reputation. It's like built in advertising. I could even pack up and move, but as long as I take the same name with me the customers will be able to find us (eventually). Sucks not being able to advertise like everyone else.

If I didn't want this place, I could start my own, but then I face the problem of trying to rebuild the customer base. You can't exactly open up the books and start calling customers at home ("Hello? Mrs. Johnson? Could you tell Harvey that Fantasia, Candy, and Paradise have moved and would love to see him at our new location in the K-mart plaza behind Joe's Welding Supply?").

While I had Audrey on the phone, we also talked about the fate of our competitor that got busted. Turns out she knows some history about the owners of that place and she was only surprised this didn't happen earlier.

So there you have it - the news is out there and I would really appreciate your input. I mean, I've been seriously thinking of my escape plan for a couple years now, and then this happens. It's like Karma keeps me tied to the massage table. Or am I just making excuses not to make the tough decision and just leave?

What do you guys think? You've been following this drama for a couple years now so you probably know as much about it as I do!

CJ

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Throw them at the son of a bitch that's been making your life miserable.

Over the course of a week, I had to pull myself off the Playboy Radio channel, AND I lost my Facebook page. In one case I revealed too much, in the other - not enough. Go figure.

And now to complicate things even further, Audrey threw a curveball at me. It's been almost 2 weeks now that she's been out and left me in charge. By the way I see things, I've managed to hold this place together and nothing has burned down. Yet.

Then she calls me last night and tells me she may not be back in 2 weeks. In fact, she may not be back in February. Her other situations, fiascos and crisis have definitely kept her busy and now it turns out she may not be back till March or April (or maybe never). And I'm in charge till then!!!!

Not like I don't run the place already... It's just that it's extra work and responsibility. And if anything goes wrong, I have no one to blame. But the worst thing is that it happens at a time when I was thinking of maybe cutting back my hours and trying to supplement my income with a "real" job.

Well you know what they say? When fate opens a door, it closes all the rest. They say that, don't they? I always talked about having my own business, I just didn't really want it to be this one!!! I guess that tanning business is gonna have to wait.

So what do you think guys? Golden opportunity or head for the hills?

CJ

Decisions, decisions...

I've been in a weird mood lately (in case you haven't noticed). Things at work are stressful as usual. And to make matters worse, Audrey has gotten bitchier and bitchier.

It got so bad that we actually had it out a couple weeks ago. On this particular day, she managed to steal 2 customers from me just by walking up to the front desk and saying "I got this one" as I'm booking them in. The first time she did it, I chalked it up to her just being an asshole as usual and taking the first customer of the day. But the SECOND time she did it, my jaw dropped open in disbelief. She couldn't have offended me more if she had just slapped me in the face.

I was seeing red for half an hour while she was in session. When she came out I waited for her in the office and practically took her head off, I was so mad. We literally screamed at each other for about 10 minutes. Afterwards, she took off for lunch by herself - her way of saying "you can go next." What a sweet lady, huh?

Anyway, I was bitching about this (as usual) to a friend of mine who owns a Business, and "Sheila" said I should come work for her. This is nothing unusual. She offers me work all the time, and over the last couple of years I've actually worked a couple shifts with her - just as a favor.

But this time it was different. Sheila said she could really use an LMT on staff, and their business has been booming over the last 3 months. The problem though, is that her place is full service. She insists that's not a problem since about half their clients are handjob only. Also, her place is about 90 minutes from home, and my current commute is less than 30.

I told her I'd have to think about it, but I would definitely give it a real consideration this time. What I didn't say to her is that personally I think her Business is filthy, and the girls are all trashy. I know that sounds like the pot calling the kettle black - BUT, The Business is spotless and the girls don't look like they walked in off the streets (except for Cindy - LOL).

To be honest, Sheila's place looks and smells and feels like a brothel. Look - I love her to death, don't get me wrong. I would even help her out in a pinch if she needed some extra help covering shifts. But I don't know how I'd feel driving to that dump every day.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm only good in a car for an hour TOPS. My definition of "outer space" is anything more than 60 minutes from my house.

We talked numbers for a few minutes, and it may or may not be better than what I'm doing here. I don't know. Not being FS in a FS place has it's good and bad points - the worst one being the pressure to go FS for better money. However, the good thing is that you get an instant clientele - guys who don't want FS. So it's a toss up (no pun intended).

So that's the dilemma I'm facing now. Of course it doesn't help any that business has been building up towards the Mother Of All Massage Weekends - Thanksgiving. That week alone is worth sticking around this hell hole.

I think next week I'll go over all the things you guys need to know to get around a massage parlor. I need all of you out there to help our economy and go support your local masseuses over Thanksgiving weekend.

Who knows - the job you end up saving may be mine!

CJ

So you wanna be an Erotic Masseuse?

I've gotten a number of letters recently from girls interested in becoming Erotic Massage Therapists. There's no easy answer to that, and I'm not going to pretend that this line of work is for everyone. So for those of you out there who are considering a job as an erotic masseuse - here are my thoughts on the subject.

Let me start off by saying that I actually like my job. The hours are decent and the work isn't that hard. And for all the time I spend bitching about my co-workers and boss, I really like them (more or less). And the pay goes from Bad to Incredible, depending on the economy.

With that said there are a number of issues you have to consider before taking the leap into the exotic world of the massage parlor.

Sex Work
The biggest issue to consider is whether you're comfortable with the whole "sex" part of the work. Personally, I don't consider anything I do as actual sex, so I don't have any ethical dilemmas with it. I have my own definitions, I draw my own lines and I'm always ready to say "No" to anything I'm not comfortable with - so I'm quite OK with what I do in session.

What it all boils down to is - are you OK with giving a handjob to a guy you just met? That is the fundamental point of the erotic massage. If the answer is "yes" then you can read on, but if not then don't try it to "make a few bucks." You'll make a lousy masseuse and you'll hate yourself for even doing it in the first place. And whatever money you do make you'll end up spending on therapy in a few years. Leave it to the pros.

Guilt and Stigma
Unfortunately, this job can come with a lot of both - depending on how much you bring with you. I had issues of guilt at first, but since I've established my own boundaries I'm totally cool with it. The stigma is still there, so that's why I just tell people I'm a shampooer. I just love that word "shampooer" and I don't know why. It sounds boring and exotic at the same time I think.

Anyway, be prepared to keep your mouth shut about what you do for a living. If you have a boyfriend then be prepared to keep your personal and your business lives separate. I've had an easy time at doing that since most guys really don't care where I disappear to for 8 hours a day.

Just Say "No"
If you're OK with giving handjobs, that's fine and dandy. But one day you're gonna be asked to do more, so you have to be prepared to answer that question when it finally comes. I'm not going to judge you if you're interested in a full service place - that's your business. But you have to mentally prepare yourself to be submerged into an environment of groping guys and unpleasant requests.

Set your boundaries and stick with them no matter what. Believe me - it will help you go home with a clear conscious every day.

Location Location Location
Do some research on the places you want to work at. Talk to the girls - not just the boss. Things to find out are:

Is this place HJ only?
How are you paid?
# of customers per week?

If you only plan on doing HJ's, then stay away from full service places. I did that for a short while and the pay was lousy since I was basically getting the leftover cheap ass customers that the other girls didn't want.

Stay away from places that take a cut of your tips. What you do in that room to earn your money is your own business. Bosses that take a cut basically turn into "pimps" who are constantly accusing you of taking "their" money. These kinds of places also encourage you to do things you're not comfortable with because it's money in their pocket.

Stick with places that take their money at the door. Also find out how you're compensated for therapeutic customers. They usually don't tip, but require the most actual massage work.

And finally, make sure the place is doing decent enough business and whether you'll get some of the "gravy" shifts. At The Business, we rotate through the best shifts (Friday-day and Saturday-night) so we can all get some of the gravy. Tuesday mornings are DEAD.

Bosses
Stay away from places run by men. I can't repeat that enough. At every single place around here that I know of, male owners are usually slimy, disgusting guys who harass the girls. Sure - during the interview they'll be all nice to you, but once you start making some money, they'll start demanding their "piece" if you want to keep your job. Female bosses will only try to screw you on money - at least you know where you stand with them.

Once again I'm making a generalization, but this is why it's so important to actually talk to some of the girls who work there first.

Work Work
And lastly - this is a real job just like any other. 95% of your time will be spent MASSAGING. If all you're capable of is a decent "girlfriend" quality massage, then you'll be fine. But if you're not even good at that, then please don't work in a parlor. I don't know how many times I've heard a customer complain (or even lost a customer) because they had a bad experience with some girl who poked at his shoulders for a few minutes before grabbing his dick and sending him home WELL before the session was over.

And just like any other job, you'll be expected to be on time, put in a full day's work and help clean up around the place. A parlor is not the kind of place where you can just show up, jerk a few dicks and pocket a couple hundred bucks before you go clubbing. If you're interested in free lance work, consider a career in street walking.

As for The Business, we just hired a new girl to help us out now that things are picking up. Funny - she's a college student so I'm sure there will be some interesting things to tell about her later.

Good luck girls!!!!

CJ

And the Winner is...........

Announcing the winner of the "Name the new Business" contest... and the winner is....

Hands N Tans!!!

I liked it because it sums up what the 2 Businesses do, but not in a dirty way. I could totally see a legitimate Business actually using this name. Girls would come in to tan and would never even notice, meanwhile their boyfriends would be snickering as they went next door.

And I have to give mention to my other 2 favorites in the "not in a million years" category:

Cum and Tan
Rays and Sprays

I swear - if erotic massage were 100% legal, I would use one of those. Oh well - maybe I should move to Canada.

So let me give you an update on what's going on with all this drama. The landlord hasn't said anything new since he pulled that extortion bullshit a couple weeks ago. However, since then there have been some MAJOR fights between us worker bees and the queen bee Audrey.

It all started when I finished up a customer who usually sees Audrey. I didn't think twice about it since he came in, did NOT ask for Audrey, and took me instead. It was just a normal routine topless with hand release session. As he was leaving, Audrey recognized him. As soon as the door closed behind him, she starts bawling me out. Accused me of stealing her customers behind her back, lying to customers, lying to her... in other words - all the stuff she does to us in front of our faces.

That was it - I had had it. Over the last 2 months we've all noticed that Business has taken a nose dive. Regulars have been disappearing, and those that stay have been complaining about Audrey's bad attitude. They've been getting sick and tired of her trying to lure them away every single time they call for an appointment. She does everything from offering discounts to outright lying ("she's not here today, but I can see you...").

Something snapped in me and I started yelling back at her. Then Trina came in and she joined me. It was UGLY. Three women screaming at the top of their lungs for about 15 minutes. It all ended with her storming off, doors getting slammed, and threats to fire us and close the Business.

Things have quieted down since then, but it's still tense. I spent a shift where I didn't say 2 words to her for 6 hours. Trina confessed that she's started looking for part time work at the mall. Cindy said she contacted another parlor across town and they're hiring. I called a friend of mine who owns a place near the city and she said they could use the help. THAT'S how bad it is.

Now before you all worry that I'm outta here and won't have any new stories for you - don't worry. It's all talk right now. I think we're all gonna sit down very soon and have a serious conversation about the Business and where it's heading.

CJ

Welcome to the Tan-N-Tug

I just wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's going on with the landlord. Audrey and I talked about what's happening with The Business during lunch since Trina was off (she tends to panic easily, so we don't want to scare her with talk of moving). I told Audrey that under no circumstances should she give in to this guy - INCLUDING the raising of the rent.

I pointed out the window of the diner, "Look up and down this street alone. There must be a dozen empty shops that we could take over." I think my voice was carrying because I noticed a few heads turn, but I didn't care because I was pissed. "We wouldn't even have to change our billboard!"

I was surprised to see Audrey actually agree with me without much of an argument. "You know CJ... I didn't mention this to you before, but the maintenance on that place has been getting worse. It might be time to think about a new space."

Actually, I did notice about the maintenance. Audrey is known for paying people with her own ass. Ever hear of Layaway? Audrey uses "Get-Laid-Away." Electricians, plumbers and carpenters have all participated. I have to admit, that takes some dedication to your Business when you're willing to take one for the team. I, on the other hand, am not dedicated. More than once I've had some guy in here who's all like "I don't have to pay... I did your carpets/lights/locks/toilet/etc...." Sorry buddy, but THAT coupon can only be cashed on Audrey's shift. LOL

Anyway, we started talking and Audrey knows a guy (she always "knows a guy...") who can gut and rebuild any office space dirt cheap. If we just doubled our current space, we could split it in two and dedicate half to The Business, and the other half to a tanning salon. The layouts could even be identical, or mirror images. And it would save us money since we'd be converting 1 large space instead of 2 little spaces.

I've already done research on tanning beds, so I know where we can go locally for buying and/or leasing. I have a nest egg that I can use to help get things started too. Ya know - I'm kinda excited about the possibility of starting a new Business. Keep your fingers crossed and wish us luck!

So here's a question for you guys. What would you call a Business that did both erotic massage and tanning? The Tan-N-Tug? Best suggestion gets a free hand release - I'll mail you a bottle of lotion! LOL

CJ

Another Day In Paradise

I got a request a little while ago to talk about a typical day. Well, it's not like I get a Freak of the Week all that often, so an average day is rather boring. But you asked for it, so here ya go.

The Business opens at 11. I usually leave early for work in case I need to buy cigs or breakfast. I pull into the parking lot around 10:45 and take a quick peek around the front to see if there's anyone waiting. I HATE it when customers are camped out. The first thing I do in the door is check the thermostat since Audrey almost always forgets to check it before she leaves in the evening. Next, I turn on all the oil bottle warmers in each room and do a quick check to make sure the place is clean (we're supposed to vacuum and prep the rooms every night).

Then I check the answering machine... It's such a crapshoot what kinda messages you're gonna get. There are a lot of hang ups. Sometimes they're weirdos, but usually it's just a couple requests for appointments. While I'm at the front desk, I'll check the log for yesterday and see how business was.

If no one's waiting for a session, then I get to settle down in the office and start catching up on my stories. When you're stuck at work with hours between appointments, a girls best friends are the soaps, the Lifetime Channel, and the Discover Channel. I've watched so many shows on delivering babies that I could probably do it all by myself (hint - you really DON'T need to boil water).

Then the calls start...

"Uh yeah, I was wondering if Audrey's there"
"Do you guys have a girl working there named Fantasia?"
"Is this one of the THOSE places...?"
"What do you look like?"
"How much for just a blowjob?"
"Hi CJ! I'd like to make an appointment for 2:00"
FINALLY... something to look forward to. I average about 1 appointment per day, but more than likely I'll get a couple of walk ins. Half the time they're truckers...I love those guys. They're usually just 30 minutes, but they tend to tip well. Truckers know the proper massage parlor etiquette, and if it's payday I can usually count on a sweet tip. Plus, they always have the BEST stories!
I try to squeeze in lunch around 1-ish when business slows. Most guys who make appointments are Regulars so I'm actually looking forward to my 2pm. If I'm lucky, it's one of the nicer guys who always takes a mutual. That's my favorite kind of session because I can just relax and enjoy some decent company and a massage of my own.
I'll take the customer in the room and tell him to get comfortable. If I'm working by myself, I'll put the "Back in .... minutes" sign up and lock the front door. When I'm not alone, I'll just let the other girl know she has the phone and the desk. If the guys a Regular, I'll usually just assume which option he wants and undress accordingly. If he's a double, I'll immediately give him a hand release, so he'll have plenty of time to recover for the one later on. I like giving doubles because it calms the guy down and make him mellow for the rest of the session (and I get to pocket some extra $$$$).

During mutuals I prefer to go first. That way MY part of the massage isn't rushed! I know that sounds a little selfish but I figure he's paying to massage me so why should I disappoint him? Anyway, if he's not paying attention to the clock, I'll remind him that it's his turn within the last 10 or 15 minutes. I'll start the massage on my belly and have him work my shoulders and upper back. If he's any good at it, I'll let him work me hard since my shoulders almost always need it. I don't care much for lower back or legs, so I'll usually just have him work quickly towards my feet. If he's willing to do feet, I will let him go to town! I love foot massages so much that I've actually bartered extras and options with customers I know give good foot.
Then I'll flip over and let him work my legs a bit, but you, me, and everyone else out there knows that once I'm on my back, attention turns to The Girls. As long as I'm not PMSing and they don't ache, I'll let the customer take his time (as long as he's being gentle) with them. Since it's called a mutual "massage," that's all he's allowed to do. Nipple play costs extra, and I have to really trust you first.

When the session is over, the session is over. I almost NEVER go over time because phones need to be answered, customers could be waiting, or Audrey could be standing outside the door wondering why it's been an hour when the guy only paid for 45 minutes. So I tend to be very punctual about delivering that happy ending. My standing rule for the happy ending is 5 minutes, then you're on your own. If the customer is cool enough, I'll often end up hanging out with him afterward so we can bullshit or smoke a cigarette. If he's a good friend, we might hang out in the office or go grab something to eat.

With the appointment over and the day shift coming to an end, I'll make sure my room is clean and the oil bottles are full before the turnover at 5:00. Apart from that there's not much else I need to do other than pass on any messages or appointments. When Trina and I are doing turnover, we always hang out extra so we can catch up on gossip. When it's with Audrey, we try to get the fuck outta there. When Audrey is working nights, she has this horrible habit of coming in an hour or two early to "work the desk" when in reality she's trying to take appointments and walk-ins away from us. Bitch.
And that's a regular day in the life of an Erotic Massage Therapist. Is it as glamorous as you would have guessed? LOL

CJ

Newbies

Things are picking up again here at work, so we might actually bring in a new girl. Not like we’ve actively looked for one since Rachel left. Things got slow enough during the summer that we were able to manage all the shifts between the 3 of us.

But weird enough, fall is a busy season. Go figure. October tends to be a great month, and it peaks with the Mother of All Massage Weekends – Thanksgiving. I am not shitting you. We usually make more Thanksgiving week than any other single week of the year. I think it’s for 2 reasons. First, you get that heavy holiday travel, and second, everyone’s wallets haven’t been emptied by Christmas shopping yet.

I’ve heard a hundred variations of this story from first time customers over the years…

You get on the road to Grandma’s house for the annual turkey and family fistfight, when you start fantasizing about some stress relief at the hands of an able-bodied masseuse. Then you see that big friendly sign beckoning you to the warmth and comfort of The Business at the next highway exit. You figure you could use a break, maybe get some gas, hit the bathroom. Without thinking, you find yourself making that turn, just to “take a peek.”

You pass the first gas station since it’s always pricier next to the highway. You’re sure the next one is cheaper. Before you know it, you’ve gone a little further than you expected but now that you’ve gone this far you may as well drive by. Then you see our big neon “Open” sign, and it pulls you in like a moth to a flame. Heck – you may as well stop in and check it out. You tell yourself that you can always just walk out if it’s not your thing.

You park the car in the far end of the parking lot, as if you’re going to the insurance agent (the newbies always do). Then you make what we affectionately call the “Walk of Shame.” It’s the path from the far end of the lot to our door in the back of the building that passes by every other business here. As you’re walking, you check your wallet and wonder if it’ll be enough and if we don't take credit cards.

Then before you know it, you’re in front of The Business. At this point you’re probably too nervous to even notice the very tasteful red drapes in the window. Audrey spent a lot to time picking those out. You begin to wonder, what the heck am I doing here? Is this really one of THOSE places? How does this even work? Am I supposed to… BEEEEEEEP… BEEEEEEEP.

“Uh, hello Nana!... Yes, I’m on the road… No, I just stopped to get gas… No, I’m running about – ummmm - an hour late I’d say… Yes, I’ll pick up some cranberry sauce… Is Betty there yet?... No, I’ll call her later… Yes, I’ll drive carefully…Buh-bye.”

Now your heart is pounding. You just bought yourself an hour, so you might as well try it. Just by looking through the door, you can’t see behind the desk – damn! You turn your cell phone off before you push the door open and walk in. The place smells faintly of flowers, thanks to an aromatherapy candle on the coffee table. You look around and realize it’s a lot cleaner and more pleasant than you thought it would be.

“Hello Sir, can I help you?”

You turn around and you see a very pretty blonde girl sitting behind a desk. She’s wearing a form-fitting white polo shirt with a beaded necklace. Her dirty blonde hair has that sort of Just-Rolled-Out-Of-Bed look that you can only get with lots of vitamins and an incredibly over-priced stylist. She smiles at you in such a way that reminds you of your last girlfriend’s super-hot sister.

“Uh, yes please. I think I’d like a massage.” And so begins the high point of your Thanksgiving Day weekend.

And if you come back a 2nd time, we’ll tell you how to park behind the building.

CJ

The Life and Death of “Seductions Spa”

Well, the weekly rag for this weekend is out and it has our “Now Hiring” advertisement. We’ve already started getting phone calls about the job earlier this week. Luckily I have this weekend off so I don’t have to talk to any of those poor women desperate enough to work here. LOL

But that’s not what I wanted to tell you guys about. I also noticed that our most recent competitor – Seductions Spa – no longer has an ad on the back page.

Now let me explain how the advertising works for places like us. We advertise in the weekly rag, which is one of those free “entertainment” papers you find in gas stations and grocery stores. The last few pages are usually reserved for your “adult” entertainment such as strip clubs, adult bookstores, massage parlors – and in large cities – escort services. It’s back here that you’ll find ads for places like The Business. Whenever Audrey runs an ad, she always requests that it’s not in the very back – next to the strip clubs and dirty bookstores. You can usually find us somewhere between the Asian massage places and the ads for making money at home in your spare time. I mentioned in one of my first posts how to recognize the ads for massage parlors – well, we actually try to avoid looking too obvious. This is how we first noticed “Seductions Spa.”

It was about 2 months ago that we saw this ad for a new place. It stuck out like a hard prick since it featured bikini clad women and said something like “Seductions Spa – Cumming Soon!” Now why would you go and make yourself look like a whore house? I remember showing the ad to Audrey and we both had a good laugh. Do you really think cops don’t read these things?

So like we always do when we see a new business in town, we started doing our own form of “industrial espionage.” Ya gotta keep a leg up on the local competition – right? Well, the first thing we do with a new business, is to call up and see what they're paying. So I put on my most innocent voice and try their number. The conversation went something like this…

“Hello, Seductions.” It was a man’s voice. They must be brand spanking new because most first-time customers will hang up if a man answers the phone.

“Yeah hi. My name is Candy and I was wondering if you’re hiring?”

“Oh yeah?” He almost sounded surprised. “I’m Carl. I just opened the place and I’m looking for 8 girls. I got 2 already. Where you from Honey?”

I hate being called “Honey.” I made up a story about being from Philly.

“Oh that’s fine Honey. I’m paying my girls $100 a day plus you get to live in the house. Every customer you get will be $25 to the house. You can charge whatever you like in the room. Everything else is yours.”

Did he say HOUSE? He expects us to live there? This place has brothel written all over it. And he’s going to pay us $100 a day just to be there? This guy obviously has no idea what he’s doing.

I’m taking down notes while he’s talking. “Sounds great Carl! Let me get back to ya.” Carl gives me another phone number to call and an address if I want to see the place. I hung up then went over what I had written with Audrey. We had a good laugh.

I checked out his address and it turns out he’s 20 miles north of the freeway in the middle of nowhere!!! Maybe he’s thinking he won’t draw attention up in the woods, but he’s made 2 mistakes. First, those country cops have nothing better to do than check out "The New People" in places like that. Second, truckers won’t drive an hour out of their way for our type of services. Then there’s how he pays his girls. He obviously has never been in the business before because there is no way in hell he can afford 8 girls to sit on their ass'es at $100 each, unless he’s expecting 50 customers a day.

Now a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the ad for Seductions was still running, so I had one of my Regulars - Eric - call them up and see how they were doing. So after session, I handed my phone over and showed him the ad. Once again, the guy answered the phone and Eric asked about the girls.

“I’ll be honest with you… I ain’t got no one working here yet. I’m still trying to get the place together and it’s hard hiring anyone. I’m new at this.” Apparently our old buddy Carl wasn't doing too well. Eric pressed him for more info.

“Yeah I hear ya. I’m tired of the girls down here and was hoping to try something new. That’s why I called when I saw your ad.” Eric’s a great liar. He’s a traveling salesman from New York. You know those little metal pieces on the ends of garden hoses that you use to attach it to things? Well, he sells those. Eric is one of my favorite Regulars and also my personal psychiatrist. I call him a couple times a week and tell him all my problems while he gives me advice. In return I let him cum on various parts of my body during his Happy Ending. That’s his kink. I’ve jerked him off onto my breasts, ass, face, and even feet. The one thing I won’t let him have is my hair. A girls gotta draw the line somewhere, right?

So anyways – back to Carl. It turns out he used to date someone working in a massage parlor and thought he could run a place by himself with no experience. But now he was at the end of his wits (and money) and ready to give up (damn – Eric’s a good spy). That brings me back to today. The ad for Seductions is gone. This time I had Audrey call, and no one picked up. Oh well. Wherever you are Carl – good luck and adios!

One more thing Carl - leave the erotic massage to us ladies.

CJ

The Business

The “Business” as I like to call it is located in a small, indiscrete shopping center. Our location is pretty good since we’re on a busy road and between 2 major freeways. We have 3 billboards to help direct the trucker clientele our way, and an ad every week in the local entertainment rag. Unlike your typical bordello or Asian massage parlor, our store front is nicely dressed up in drapes and a small neon “Open” sign. The front door opens to a small foyer leading to the front desk. The Business is tastefully done in cranberry with gray highlights. There are a few spa related items scattered about the rooms such as pictures of beach scenes, candles, dried flowers, etc. We even keep a few bottles of massage oils out on the counter for purchase (don’t look closely – they’re covered with dust).

We have 3 session rooms, a waiting room for customers, and a small break room round back. The waiting room is off to the side so we can shuffle guys in and out without anyone having to bump into each other – important in a business where anonymity is a virtue.

Each session room has a rather spacious massage table and a small shower stall in the corner (truckers won't come in if you don't have showers). A small closet is available for customers clothes. They seem to appreciate the closets – must think we’re going to pick their pockets I guess. A silver towel warmer is installed in each room as an extra little perk for our guests, plus it makes the place look classy. Upon first glance, we look legitimate, and that’s the important thing. There are no mirrors on the ceiling, no glory holes in the restroom, and no purple velvet couches with stains.

Audrey is the owner and #1 employee of the Business. She’s had this place for almost 7 years now, and worked the parlor circuit for over 15. She’s short and wirey with a mass of bleach blonde hair. She dresses like she’s 18 when she’s actually 45. At first glance I guess you could say she looks like an aging rocker chick. As an employee, she takes customers like the rest of us – which can be annoying at times. I mean, we need to make our money too. As the owner she keeps the door money. Remember – we work off tips, but the customer pays at the door for the amount of time he wants to spend.

Trina is my co-worker and best friend. She’s been here the entire time it’s been open and got me my job here. She’s normal height and a bit on the heavy side. Guys love her since she has big, natural tits.

Let me tell ya – in this line of work, the natural look works better than the slutty look. I’ve known girls who’ve gotten into this business and thought implants would increase their tips – WRONG. Implants and slutty makeup work for strip clubs where it’s all about looking and not touching. In a massage parlor since you actually get to touch, guys prefer real tits and the “Girl Next Door” look. Most guys do not like chicks with tattoos or piercings (especially guys WITH tattoos I’ve noticed).

Want to hear something funny? In general, customers prefer a girl who either looks like their wife/girlfriend or used to look like her in her youth. No kidding. This is what I’ve gathered from clients throughout the years. There are of course lots of exceptions, but I’m not talking about guys with fetishes for women with big feet, pink hair, midgets, etc. I’m talking about the run-of-the-mill customer who just wants to relax for an hour with one of us.

That reminds me – I almost forgot my other co-worker Luna. She’s an ex-hooker who’s been in the Business for about 6 months now. She doesn’t quite get it at times. I mean, she still tends to come in to work dressed like trailer trash. I don’t know how many times Audrey has talked to her about it. She doesn’t have implants, but keeps insisting that’s what’s keeping her from making “real” money around here. When you’re a 40 year old, alcoholic pill head, guys kinda shy away. Audrey keeps her away from the front desk since often turns off the customers. Customers will come in and if she just happens to be out front, she'll lie and say she’s the only 1 available – unless he’s a known bad-tipper, in which case she’ll pass him off on us in a heartbeat! Bitch.

Let me back up here and explain how we divide up customers. A massage parlor will traditionally have only a few girls at any given time. Since we are NOT full-service, we won’t march out a whole harem of lingerie wearing sluts like at the Bunny Ranch. Customers don’t normally pick their masseuse – instead we take turns sitting at the front desk and the next customer is ours. Regulars can request us by name or make appointments if they have favorites.

Now I’m all worked up over Luna. We all have bills to pay, so I don’t need anyone stealing customers from me. I can tell you stories of all the times she’s ripped me off. Ugh. I can’t stand working with her because it feels like babysitting. She doesn’t own a car, so she’s always bumming a ride. She rarely picks up the phone, and when she does she’ll lie about who’s working so she can steal the appointment. God I hate her!!

Ya know – sometimes I think I started this blog just so I could bitch about her. Phew – that feels better.

CJ