The Pimp-n-Ho Economic Indicator

I told you guys I had a funny story about pimps and drug dealers. Well, it occurred to me the other day when I was talking about how they make lousy clients. And they're lousy for a couple of reasons (other than the fact that they draw too much attention to a business). We get our share of P's and D's (Pimp's and Dealer's) in here because face it - who else has more disposable income? And that's why I think they make a great economic indicator.

I've talked about the Erotic Massage Indicator, and the Handyman Indicator - we're the first one's to know when things go bad because we rely so heavily on disposable income. But when times are bad, you can always count on the P's and D's because they always seem to have money, and in some cases even MORE money. So now I would like to introduce CJ's "Pimp-n-Ho Indicator."

Take for example a cousin of mine. "Benjy" runs his own custom car stereo place. I'm talking the top-of-the-line stuff, not your $200 Sony radio with cassette player. He specializes in the extreme, 27 speaker, 50 gigawatt, 12 LCD screen, mobile disco on wheels. His work has been featured in car magazines and TV shows. And it's NOT cheap. He once offered to pimp my ride, but when he mentioned price my left hand cramped up at the equivalent number of handjobs I'd need to cover it. That's the level we're talking here.

Anyway, not too long ago he was doing a great business. But back then it was professional athletes, young dot-com millionaires, or guys doing well in real estate. He tells me now that he barely scrapes together enough money for rent by relying on business from P's and D's. They're mostly guys from the city looking towards the burbs for either a bargain, or just something different.

I'm not fond of their business either because one way or another, they're always trying to recruit you. And they're very pushy because that's just the way they do business. So I just assumed that Benjy hates them for the same reasons. Turns out that's not the case. Benjy just hates them because they're cheap, greedy, self-centered assholes. Let me explain...

When you're working with high-end stuff, whether it's stereo equipment, custom cars, fancy speedboats, etc., your business relies on reputation and word-of-mouth. I guess rich guys don't exactly reach for the yellow pages when they want to pimp out the Bentley. Instead, they see something they like at trade shows, magazines, or their rich neighbors driveway, and then just ask where they got it.

Apparently in the social sphere of Pimps and Dealers, this is considered a serious breach of etiquette. Benjy said that the problem is that whenever he finishes a job for P's and D's, he knows that all that work is a dead end and will not generate any additional sales or increase his reputation. The P's and D's will take all the credit for themselves, and will not divulge who did the work for them - no matter how many shows they do or photo spreads they get. They basically consider people like Benjy as "their little secret."

Some of you are probably thinking so what? - they paid for a product, so they can do whatever they want with it. But as Benjy pointed out to me (after I said just that) he can't exactly advertise high-end services like his in the newspaper. Instead, he has to rely on the occasional plug like "as featured in Extreme Noise Magazine" or "winner of the 2009 Ghettoblaster award."

So now my cousin is just hoping things will pick up soon so he can be more selective with his customers. I know what he means. I feel the same way about customers who smell bad.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Economic Indicator

Well I have some good news for a change. I was talking to Audrey the other day and she confirmed that August was our busiest month in almost 3 years.

I knew business was going to pick up a little bit because last month was when we finally started letting newbies back into session. Heck - we went for most of the summer relying on just Regulars for business. So the total number of customers jumped to pre-economic meltdown days.

A good chuck of that was new customers, but we also saw in increase in business from Regulars. Audrey said the door fees were also good, but not the same as 3 years ago because guys are taking shorter session times nowadays. As for tips, August was great because we finally started offering options to newbies again. We were getting killed with the therapeutics because guys generally don't tip with those.

So what does this all mean in terms of the economy? Well the official HappyEndingz forecast is that the number of guys with disposable income is finally returning to pre-recession levels. In other words, more people have jobs now. I mean, August may have been a fluke due to the high number of frustrated, horny newbies who were banging down our door all summer. So we'll see if the numbers continue to stabilize through the next quarter.

As for levels of disposable income, it looks like the consumer index is still low on this one. Guys are willing to spend money on massages, just not nearly as much as they did pre-recession.

According to the "CJ Options Index" - Topless is up, while G-string remains flat. Fully nude and mutuals are still way down. Meanwhile on the "CJ Extras Index" - breast and butt releases are slowly making a comeback while foot fetish remains at an all time low.

And that's my take on the economy. Next up - Erotic Sports and Weather!

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Economist

The recession is over! Let me be the first to announce it - before any eggheads on TV, or crooked politicians, or stupid college professors. Yes sir - you heard it first right here from an Erotic Masseuse.

And you want to know how I know this? Well, unlike all those millionaire talkshow hosts and congressmen, my livelihood is almost totally dependent on disposable income. So as the economy goes, so goes my paycheck. And my paycheck has definitely gotten fatter recently. Let me explain...

Over the last month or so, I've noticed an increase in numbers of customers - newbies and the return of some Regulars. And just recently, I've seen an increase in nudes and mutuals - the more expensive options we offer. These are obvious signs that times are finally starting to get better.

As someone who relies on disposable income, I'm one of the first people at the bottom of the economic ladder to see if people have money to spend. And this is how I invented what I call "CJ's Handyman Index." Forget the Dow Jones stock market crap. CJ's Handyman Index is way more reliable and accurate.

You see, Handymen (carpenters, electricians, etc.) rely on disposable income more than me. So when the economy is hot, people want that new garage, or pool, or 4th bedroom. But when it slows down, their work changes to just fixing things. So instead of replacing a whole kitchen, people just want things maintained so they'll last longer. And how their business goes is reflected on my massage table. When things are good, Handymen ask for longer massage times and more expensive options.

New deck with hot tub = 1 hour mutual massage with breast release.
Paint the kitchen and fix a leaky faucet = 30 minute topless with regular hand release

And when the economy is in the shitter you ask? That one's easy - the Handymen disappear altogether. That's what started happening a year ago. I was losing Regulars left and right, and those that stuck around were cutting back on the options.

Now this index only really works with Handymen. Customers with steady jobs spend differently when times are bad. For example, my Regulars who work at the local plant still kept making appointments, but they cut back on options because everything else became more expensive.

[Funny story - last winter a guy offered me firewood in exchange for a massage. That's how bad things got.]

Let me tell ya - when gas prices shot up last summer, guys were coming in and asking for the bare bones cheapest options. It got so bad that we had to create a new option for these cheapskates. I called it the "Topless or HandJob." So if a customer came in with some cash, but not enough for any of the regular options, I would offer him a choice "I can either leave my clothes on for the massage and give you a happy ending, or I can take my top off but you're on your own at the end."

I did this mostly with Regulars that I kinda felt sorry for. Most newbies I would just show them the door. I know that the "Happy Ending" is the crux of my job as an erotic massage therapist, but it just feels weird to have a guy offer you $20 just for a handjob and no massage. That's crack-ho territory there. So guys I didn't know who couldn't afford a standard option - hit the road Jack.

And there you have it - CJ's Handyman Index. I think this really is the best economic indicator out there, and should be included on the daily news reports. Then we could all have a good laugh when the TV guy says "Today there was a sharp rise in the 'Handyman' which lasted for a few moments before a sudden decline..."

CJ