Thursday, July 30, 2009

Confessions of an Erotic Economist

The recession is over! Let me be the first to announce it - before any eggheads on TV, or crooked politicians, or stupid college professors. Yes sir - you heard it first right here from an Erotic Masseuse.

And you want to know how I know this? Well, unlike all those millionaire talkshow hosts and congressmen, my livelihood is almost totally dependent on disposable income. So as the economy goes, so goes my paycheck. And my paycheck has definitely gotten fatter recently. Let me explain...

Over the last month or so, I've noticed an increase in numbers of customers - newbies and the return of some Regulars. And just recently, I've seen an increase in nudes and mutuals - the more expensive options we offer. These are obvious signs that times are finally starting to get better.

As someone who relies on disposable income, I'm one of the first people at the bottom of the economic ladder to see if people have money to spend. And this is how I invented what I call "CJ's Handyman Index." Forget the Dow Jones stock market crap. CJ's Handyman Index is way more reliable and accurate.

You see, Handymen (carpenters, electricians, etc.) rely on disposable income more than me. So when the economy is hot, people want that new garage, or pool, or 4th bedroom. But when it slows down, their work changes to just fixing things. So instead of replacing a whole kitchen, people just want things maintained so they'll last longer. And how their business goes is reflected on my massage table. When things are good, Handymen ask for longer massage times and more expensive options.

New deck with hot tub = 1 hour mutual massage with breast release.

Paint the kitchen and fix a leaky faucet = 30 minute topless with regular hand release

And when the economy is in the shitter you ask? That one's easy - the Handymen disappear altogether. That's what started happening a year ago. I was losing Regulars left and right, and those that stuck around were cutting back on the options.

Now this index only really works with Handymen. Customers with steady jobs spend differently when times are bad. For example, my Regulars who work at the local plant still kept making appointments, but they cut back on options because everything else became more expensive.

[Funny story - last winter a guy offered me firewood in exchange for a massage. That's how bad things got.]

Let me tell ya - when gas prices shot up last summer, guys were coming in and asking for the bare bones cheapest options. It got so bad that we had to create a new option for these cheapskates. I called it the "Topless or HandJob." So if a customer came in with some cash, but not enough for any of the regular options, I would offer him a choice "I can either leave my clothes on for the massage and give you a happy ending, or I can take my top off but you're on your own at the end."

I did this mostly with Regulars that I kinda felt sorry for. Most newbies I would just show them the door. I know that the "Happy Ending" is the crux of my job as an erotic massage therapist, but it just feels weird to have a guy offer you $20 just for a handjob and no massage. That's crack-ho territory there. So guys I didn't know who couldn't afford a standard option - hit the road Jack.

And there you have it - CJ's Handyman Index. I think this really is the best economic indicator out there, and should be included on the daily news reports. Then we could all have a good laugh when the TV guy says "Today there was a sharp rise in the 'Handyman' which lasted for a few moments before a sudden decline..."



greenhornet said...

Yup. Us married guys have our own handy' man index. When the wife doesn't give us any luving for weeks, our trips to the MP get more frequent!

Anonymous said...

I just graduated from college and I majored in Erotic Economics with a minor in Sexology. My degree was awarded by an online college and they were very flexible with respect to designing your own course of study. For study materials, I convinced them to allow me to study your blog and Craigslist as well as doing field research with many of the local sensual massage providers. Despite the current recession and high unemployment rate, I’m confident that I’m adequately prepared to have a successful career and I owe it all to you!

Dick Burns, 2009 Graduate of CJU

RIV said...

I agree with you because, while we aren't in the same business, I also rely on disposable income.
Unlike many other people, I keep only one card and that is paid off and used a bit of my savings to suppliment any shortage.
If anything, I've been buying stock and bargain basement prices!!

Good catch, girl!

Advizor said...

The eggheads on TV never measure the right thing. I think you are on to something.

A few of my friends are regulars at a strip club down the street from my office. They used to go every Thursday for "the buffet" which was included in the cover, then they'd all blow $40 for a couple of lap dances.

Now, they go for the buffet.

yank my nutz said...

CJ, your blog is unbelievably interesting. In all seriousness, it is probably d-bags like Elliot Spitzer that even give a shit there are massage parlors like yours out there.
I have so many questions I can't get to them all. I wonder about your personal life first of all. Do you hate doing the lesbian stuff? Is that something you could do in your personal life? Do you believe you got into this profession because of issues with men? Thats it for now but I'll be back. Sorry if any of that seemed odd.

cj said...

THAT is funny! Some girls I know who dance said that business has been terrible. You wouldn't believe just how many calls we get a week from dancers looking for extra work.

I don't like the lesbian stuff but will do it if I like the customer. I didn't get into this because of men - I got into it because it's an easy sideways step from regular massage therapy. Kinda like slipping from the good side to the dark side of the Force. Easier to do and the pay is way better! LOL


yank my nutz said...

I don't really mean you do it because of men but a psychiatrist might say in some wierd way you're acting out because of issues you have with men. It could also be the reason you say you're a "fuck 'em and leave 'em" type girl. But maybe I'm way off base since psychiatry is a hobby I practice when I'm bored and wanna piss off my girlfriend.
Here's a better question, I see porno's with this guy Peter North who dumps humongous loads. I think you know where I'm going with this. We all know guys have whacky requests (i.e. freak of the week) but if this guy came in and you had to jerk him off that would make for a great post. Is there anything physically worth posting about?
Another example is I have a friend who has fluid in his sack and no medical insurance to do anything about it. His scrotum is like a small purse and he pulls it out at parties.

cj said...

Physically weird guys? It's never occured to me to write about them. I've seen it all. Big ones, little ones, etc. Nothing shocks me anymore.


Jaglover said...

CJ, I hope you're writing a book. Your stuff is engaging and hillarious. It would sell a million.

Anonymous said...

I'd bet that Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, authors of Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything, would love this "leading indicator". Levitt has studied the economics of prostitution, drug dealing, and other "underground economy" topics that other economists won't touch. Their blog is at Shoot them an email!

Anonymous said...

any chance you'd give us a look see at those titties?