The Greatest Customer Ever

Since work has been pretty dead recently, Trina and I started reminiscing about the "Good Old Days." Right before 9/11, I remember the last place we worked at averaged about 100 customers a week. Today, this place would be lucky to get 40.


So we started swapping stories of the best customers we've ever had. Back in the day, I remember getting young pimp daddies throwing cash at us, rich business men tempting us with luxuries, and successful working stiffs blowing their bonus checks.


Trina and I composed a list of the best customers we've ever had. And don't worry - some of the more interesting ones I'll talk about in detail later...


The Premature Ejaculator

Trina once had a guy who paid for a 1 hour session, plus took a $150 option. He came DURING the massage. Was so embarassed, he cut the time short and left within 15 minutes.


Quick Draw McGraw

I once had a guy who asked if he could jerk off in front of me. No clothing removed. He pulled it out, wanked on it for about 2 minutes while I just stood there, then shot a huge wad on to a towel on the floor. He zipped up, and left. Quickest $$$ I've ever made.


The Retard

This guy had never been to a massage parlor before and was nervous as all hell. I mean stuttering, shivering nervous. BUT he kept acting like he was a pro when he was totally clueless. First tipped me $80 for topless. Then asks if he could touch The Girls, so I charged him another $50. Then asks if I could strip to G-string, so I charge another $50. THEN asks me to lose the G-string! So that's ANOTHER $50. A total of $230 for what turned into a typical $150 session. I don't normally do that to customers, but he was such an asshole.


The Millionaire

I don't know if this is true or not, but Trina swears it is. It's kind of an urban legend among masseuses. Trina said she knew this girl at the last place she worked who got this "Millionaire" one night. And after THREE HOURS in the room (which is absolutely unheard of in this business), she emerged with a diamond necklace reportedly worth thousands of dollars. Rumor has it, he was leaving his wife, or caught her cheating on him or something... Anyway, he allegedly went around town giving away all of her jewelry.

(You wanna know what I think? I think that some stupid bimbo blew some old geezer in exchange for some cheap ass cubic zirconium bling. And then she made up this story to cover her ass. That's what I think!)

The Fans

This isn't any customer in particular, but a group of guys we call our "fans." They’re these really young guys who totally fall in love with us. I’m talking maybe 18-21. They are sooooo cute and sweet. They bring us cards, candy and flowers. They ask us out on dates (I once got asked to a senior prom). And they’re never pushy or rude. They’re just totally in heaven when a woman touches them like we do.

The Greatest Customer Ever

The greatest customer I ever had was Sugar Daddy Brad (SDB). One day after we had been seeing each other for about 6 months, he comes in and asks for a 1 hour session. We get in the room and do a typical full body massage. We talked the entire time about work and politics and whatever. In the end I give him a regular hand release. Then as he’s dressing up, he hands me a $600 tip. I was totally blown away. One of the things I love about SDB is how he does these random acts of generosity. I mean, most guys would have flashed a big tip at the beginning of a session in the hopes I’ll feel obligated to give them something extra. But SDB actually tips just to say “thank you.” That was the single most memorable session I’ve ever had.

CJ

Freak of the Week

I'm back. And in cases you were wondering, I worked Sunday with Audrey. And let me tell ya - when I saw her at work, I walked straight up to her and said... nothing. I am such a coward!!!!! I couldn't say anything! I totally chickened out - even after all that shit I said the other day, I didn't have the guts to say anything. But if it makes you feel any better, I gave her the cold shoulder. Don't worry - I will have my revenge. Don't know what it will be, but I'll get it. Unfortunately, I can't steal any of HER regulars because they're all scumbags.

Now desperate times call for desperate measures. As you know, business has been weak lately and I have bills to pay (and I'm already a couple hundred short thanks to the BITCH). So yesterday I did something I don't usually do. And NO - I didn't blow some greasy trucker (someone around here has to have some morals).

We get new customers here all the time, and when you get one in the room, you never know what to expect. Is this their first erotic massage? Do they know the rules? Are they freaks? Are they dangerous? Are they RICH? (LOL) It's always a crapshoot with strangers. Anyway, this guy comes in and I guess he's normal looking. Doesn't seem nervous, makes some small talk while I book him in, wears nice clothes. So I get him in the room and tell him to make himself comfortable.

Let me take a break here to describe to you a typical session. Usually the guy gets disrobed while I leave the room. Then I return and discuss the options. After I see the cash, I disrobe according to the option he's selected. I give him a relaxing massage for the time he paid for, allowing 10 minutes for the happy ending. Then I'll tell him to roll over, tell him to close his eyes, relax and let me do my job. I provide him with a hand release, clean him up, throw my clothes back on, and leave.

This guy has obviously done this before. As soon as we get in the room, he starts asking me all sorts of questions about the options and whether they include actual sex. I inform him that we're not that kind of place (Cops usually make this mistake - they want evidence of naughty stuff up front and don't want to get undressed) but if he wants that, there's an Asian place right off I-76. He quickly backs off, says that 's OK and starts to get undressed. That's fine with me - since a cop would usually leave by now.

He agrees to a "nude" option for $175. Cha-Ching! CJ can pay her phone bill now! This is more than I usually charge, but I sensed from the beginning that he had some money to throw around (This is a bargain compared to what he'll pay at the Asian place).

Then he drops his pants.

A lot of guys joke about how a woman smells like fish or whatever down there. Let me tell ya - it goes both ways. Now before you start arguing, I can pretty much guarantee that I've smelled more dicks than any of you guys reading this - and I assure you - a guy can smell just as badly if not worse than a woman. It can be a combination of things: bad hygiene, bacteria, sweat, or just too much spicy food. But THIS guy - PHEW!!!! I swear it hit me the moment those pants hit the floor. It was like a combination of pepperoni and ammonia, sprinkled with shit.

I don't know if he noticed my double take, but I really was dumbfounded for a few seconds. Since I am a professional, I can usually suck it up and deal with it, but in this case I felt out of my league. There are tactful ways of dealing with this kind of situation, so I used my best charm to suggest that I give him a quick splash of one of the aromotherapy oils. It won't kill the smell, but at least cover it up. Guys - if you're listening out there - could you PLEASE wash up before you come visit? It's the least you can do.

Mr. Smelly doesn't even bat an eyelash at my suggestion that his prick get immediate attention. Heck - maybe that's why he didn't wash - some weird smell fetish thing. So I lather him up real good, and also take a quick survey to make sure he doesn't have any open sores or anything else disgusting (Damn I love this job).

Well, he LOOKS clean. So after working him up semi-hard, I go to wipe the oil off when I realize something is wrong. The smell is down, but now it's on MY HANDS!!!!!!! IT WON'T RUB OFF!!!! ACKKKKK!!!!! I wipe them off, I switch to soap, I try alcohol, and IT'S STILL THERE. I start to wonder if I really need a cell phone this badly.

So Mr. Smelly here hasn't rolled over onto his back yet, and seems to be enjoying the show so far. "You are soooooo hot. Have you ever thought of going full service? You'd make a ton of money."
I've heard this a million times before from you guys - as if I'll somehow finally succumb to your particular charms and let you introduce me to the world of whoredom. "Sorry guy... I love my job" I manage with a smile. It's interesting that I'm no longer offended by the offers and even find them amusing. In a bar, this would get you at least a drink in the face.

"How much to finger you? I'll make it worth your while. How about a hundred bucks? Come on... It's just you and me in here. No one will know..."

As a veteran in this business, I have learned how to read customers like a book. From his approach, I have already gathered the following:

1) He still has ALOT more $ in his wallet after tipping me
2) He has a fingering fetish
3) He gets off on women who say "No."

Luna once explained to me that there are 3 types of guys who pay for sex. The first is the powertrip guy who gets off on the act of paying a woman to do his bidding. A massage parlor example of this would be the customer who spends the session ordering you around.

The second type is the self-pious guy who thinks this is all below him, and he's ONLY doing this because you need the $$ to help better yourself. I've seen this kinda guy more times than I care for. He can be recognized by his slogan "You could be doing a lot worse than me right now..."

The third kind is the regular John who treats a session as a business transaction. How much for how long? This kinda customer is what we usually get in the Business. Just normal guys who know exactly what to expect, and just relax and enjoy the session. Luna and I agree that this is the best kind of customer.

Now back to my story...

Mr. Smelly is a Type One. I know how to play these guys, and since I have a Visa bill to pay off after the cell phone, I decide to work him. I usually don't take advantage of guys, but I really really really love to buy clothes.

I look deeply into Mr. Smelly's eyes, and start to run my still-stinky hands over my naked thighs. Then I try to say as innocently as possible without sounding offended, "You want to do what?" Smile. Bat the eyelashes. "Nooooooo... I can't let you do that." Bat. Bat. Smile. "You want to get me in trouble?"

"One fifty." He's grinning from ear to ear. I know the squeaky wheels in his brain are turning, and he thinks it's working. It is working, but in my favor. "Just to finger you for a few minutes. How about it?"

Naked guys have a "tell." I glance at his cock, and it's twitching. He is really enjoying this, and this may even be what he truly wanted today - bartering for sex instead of just getting it. But his little head is speaking louder than his big one and it's yelling "Keep going! I've got way more than $150 in my wallet!"

"I don't know..." I look down. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that he's getting harder. I'm starting to think that for my academy award winning performance alone, I should get something. I mean - I'm mentally jerking this guy off right now. I have to choose my words carefully because if I actually say "No," the powertrip ends, he gets irritated, I get nothing, and we both lose. If I actually say "yes" then he gets his mental cumshot, and I go home with a sore pussy and no self esteem.

There must be a happy medium...

I slowly move my right hand between my legs. "You wanna finger fuck me?" The game continues! "But that's against the rules" I purr as sweetly as I can. I swear I can see a vein in his head throbbing. Time to reel him in. Slowly I start moving my fingers up and down my crotch. His attention is now completely downstairs. "I can't let you finger fuck me." Emphasis on the you. I'm not actually saying No just yet. Let's see if he puts 2 and 2 together.

"$200. I'll give you $200." I move my fingers over just an extra quarter inch to my lips. I start just barely brushing them with my fingertips. "$240. I can give you $240 if you let me finger fuck you right now. Please..."

$240???? Bingo! He has $240 in his wallet. Now that we've settled on a price, I have to figure out how to pull this off without any greasy fingers poking me. I move my left hand to the other side of my pussy. With both sets of fingers, I can now slowly spread my lips. Timing is critical... "Here? Is this what you want?" As my lips part, I let out a low sigh. "Do you really want to finger fuck me?" I pause now to let him make the next move.

"Oh yes... I want to soooo badly." His hand has now moved to his dick and he's starting to take care of things for me. I continue not saying anything and keep rubbing my pussylips with my fingers. "Please please please...!" he starts moaning. And with that sign, I can now seal the deal.

"You want me to keep going?" I use my sultry voice this time. Smelly nods quickly like an idiot. I still don't know if I can pull this off. If he cums before we agree to something, I lose the cash - like in some bizarre porno form of Let's Make a Deal. "You like that?" I'm stalling for time.

Then it comes to me (no pun intended). I'm standing next to the oils stand, about 4 feet from him. The room is dark, so he can't really see to clearly. Summoning my most sincere voice yet, I ask him "Do you want me to keep going?" He nods. That's it - I've sealed the deal! "You can't finger fuck me, but I can finger myself. Is that OK?" And with that I run my index finger directly over my clit. He's practically drooling on himself at this point.

"Oh yeah. OH YEAH!" With an agreement met, he starts wanking away. I have to put on a convincing show for him, so here I go... With my left hand rubbing my pussylips and clit, I move my right hand towards my hole. As I'm about to insert it, I curl my finger up and out of sight. I'm counting on it being dark, so he thinks I'm fingering myself knuckle deep. I can hear him moaning away over on the table with the occasional "Oh yeah baby..." So I know he's enjoying the show.

After a couple minutes of this I finally hear the groans of a happy ending. He was MOST happy too. As I suspected, he had exactly $240 remaining in his wallet. Up until this guy, I had never pretended to fuck myself for a new customer. I've done it for a couple of regulars, and none of them have ever noticed that I was faking it. So I just made an extra bit of cash for my acting abilities! I wonder if I should switch to a career in movies?

Funny thing is that my hands smelled bad for the rest of the day. Yuck!

See you guys later! And keep asking those questions!

CJ

That Lying, Stealing Bitch

As you may have noticed, yours truly CJ has been gone for a while. I had a really bad cold and remained bedridden for a week. So when I was finally well enough to leave the house to run some errands, I ran into a regular customer of mine – Sugar Daddy Brad (SDB I call him for short, but the whole “Sugar Daddy” thing I’ll talk about later – I could write a whole book on them alone). Well, I’m walking in the store when I hear…”Thanks for blowing me off CJ.”

Since I wasn’t expecting to see him in public, it really caught me by surprise. I run into customers outside the business now and then and it's usually awkward for them, but since this is one of my favorite guys, I don't mind. Anyway, SDB was giving me a real dirty look. “What are you doing here? I thought you were busy,” he said sarcastically. I told him I was home all week. “What are you talking about? I made an appointment with you today, and Audrey said that you were too busy to see me when I got there and…” This is where my hand shot up in his face.

“Audrey said what?” I said angrily. Now my face was turning red. I knew where he was going with this, and it was confirming some things I’ve been suspecting for a long time. It’s the kind of work politics that I wasn’t planning on talking about here, but today I am PISSED.

Now SDB is looking at me a little uncertain, like he’s just figured out he’s said something wrong. “When I got to the Business today, Audrey said that you were booked and that I could see her instead. Then we got into a little fight because she wouldn't take NO for an answer. But before I left, I told her to tell you that I thought it was bullshit what you were pulling. That’s what happened!”

So that’s it – my boss has been stealing customers from me. And one of my regulars!!!! That is such bullshit! It’s like taking money out of my pocket! I told you guys before that times have been tough lately, but this is no excuse to steal customers from each other. I mean, I expect that kind of behavior from Luna, BUT NOT FROM MY OWN BOSS. Now if you’re thinking this is not a big deal – what’s a few dollars between coworkers every now and then? – it’s a really big deal with our regulars.

“Regulars” are guys who’ve chosen 1 girl and see her on a regular basis. “Floaters” are guys who enjoy playing the field and will wander freely between masseuses, and even businesses. Now “Sugar Daddies” are a special category. Basically, they’re Regulars who tip very well. So that’s why stealing 1 is a big deal. SDB I can count on for a couple hundred bucks ABOVE my normal tip. And that's why I’m so mad!

But now that the cats out of the bag, I'll start telling you guys all the dirty little secrets about Audrey instead of just mine. Payback’s a bitch – BITCH.

Now lets get back to what’s pissing me off. AUDREY IS FULL SERVICE. There – I’ve said it. I’ve been suspecting it for a while and now it’s confirmed. I don’t know what to say. She’s been lying all this time about how we conduct business. She’s been stealing customers from behind all our backs. And now we’re crossing that line between massage parlor and whorehouse.

Now we all take liberties from time to time in the rooms with special customers (or if the money is right, LOL). But I have NEVER NEVER NEVER gone down on a customer, or let him go down on me. And I have never let anyone stick anything anywhere in my body. That's what hookers are for.

And what about the business? If 1 girl goes full service, then business starts to slide her way and the rest of us lose money. Then that puts pressure on the rest of us to follow suit. Then the clientele changes over to that sleazier element you normally see at the Asian places. Finally, the neighbors start noticing, reporters start taking pictures in the parking lot, and finally the cops start showing up.

So where does that leave me? As of right this minute, Audrey doesn't know that I figured out what she's been up to - stealing clients and going all the way. Let me tell ya, when your livelihood has been threatened and your boss betrays you and you can't pay the bills anymore - it tends to fuck up your day. I know you guys all think that I have no morals, but that's not true. I've drawn a line, and I've kept to it all these years. And I don't plan on crossing it just to make a buck.

I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I'll be back at work this weekend, and I'm not sure what I'm going to say to her. It's gonna be tough not telling that bitch off to her face. Wish me luck.

CJ

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi Walk into a Massage Parlor...

No really. They come in here on a regular basis. Except for the Rabbi - I made that bit up. But seriously, I’ve had 3 clergymen as customers that I’ve known for a fact. When I first decided to try dishing my stories on this blog thing, I was going to let this one go, but something happened the other day at work that really really pissed me off. So now the gloves are off and everything is fair game. I was going to keep my mouth shut on a few things for Audrey’s sake, but now that bitch is on my shit list for reasons that I’ll get into tomorrow. Tune in – it’ll be worth it. I’ve got dirt on her that will make your head spin.

Anyway, let me get on with this topic since I owe you guys. It’s been over a week and I didn’t write anything because I was sick.

Anywho… Audrey has a Regular who we call “Father William” behind her back. We all know he’s a priest, but we don’t mention it front of her. Apparently he has an arrangement with her. I learned about this one day when he showed up and Audrey wasn’t in. He took me in session instead, but not realizing that I know nothing of what they do behind closed doors..

FIRST, he tells me that he already paid for this session during his last visit. “YEAH RIGHT” I tell him. After I explain to him that this is between him and Audrey, he says he’ll take me anyway in a rather snotty kind of way. Well let me tell ya – after I released The Girls from my Abercrombie and Fitch button down shirt, he starts to loosen up a bit and starts spilling all sorts of dirt. He says he usually just pays a flat fee for everything including the options and a generous tip (I don’t act surprised about anything he says, so he’ll keep talking...). She doesn’t charge him for the room AND she discounts her options! We’re all supposed to charge the same to keep things equal between the girls. When 1 girl drops her rates, then business unfairly migrates her way (I’ll bitch more about this tomorrow).

SECOND, he tells me what Audrey allows him to do during their typical sessions. I play dumb at this point so he’ll tell me EVERYTHING. Well let me tell ya, as soon as he got on that table, the halo comes off and the pitchfork comes out (no pun intended). He starts cursing, and talking dirty, and telling me all the disgusting things he wants to do to me, and me to him, and us to each other…yikes!! It turns out that my boss lets this guy:

1) Eat her out
2) Finger her ass
3) Toss her salad
4) Finger fuck her

Now remember – HE’S A PRIEST!!!! As far as I can figure, this is how he rationalizes his behavior… Apparently he can do stuff to her, but won’t let her do stuff to him. This is HIS way of not feeling too guilty about going to a massage parlor. In the room they don’t fuck, and she doesn’t blow him. From what I gathered, there isn’t much actual massaging going on either. Usually he goes right to his routine of using everything BUT his dick on her, then when he’s ready to finish, he jerks himself off on to her ass or tits.

Let me tall ya – it was hard to keep this guy off me! I mean, as I asked him questions he kept trying to just dive right in to his usual perversions. I finally got through to him by pretending that we’re not allowed to do full service stuff with Audrey’s regulars, and he seemed to buy that (even though NONE OF US are supposed to be full service around here!!!). He settled for a deep tissue massage while I kept asking him questions and pretending what they did was perfectly normal. And in the end, he would NOT let me give him a hand release. I let him play with my tits with one hand, while he yanked himself off with the other – all the while telling me all the nasty little things he wanted to do to me. Go figure. At least he tipped OK.

Now how did I know he was a priest? He started coming in here about 4 or 5 years ago WITH HIS PRIEST COLLAR ON. Yes, you read that correctly. He actually walked into our business in the light of day in his little priestly outfit. At least he did at first. After a short while, he started seeing Audrey on a regular basis and then we only saw him in civilian clothes from then on. I guess that his fist couple of visits may have been out of some morbid curiosity, but once he got his freak on, he let his hair down and let it all hang out. Audrey must bring out the pervert in everyone.

The other priest who frequents here is a floater – a guy who likes to see a different girl each time. Used to see everyone but Trina for reasons we would figure out later. We called him “Father Danny.” He isn’t as much of an asshole as Father William, but he’s just as perverted. Let me tell ya – these religious guys rank right up there with the most nasty and vile customers. I don’t know what it is, but they just show no respect and are constantly trying our patience. I dread these guys because I know each session is going to be a 60 minute battle of keeping their slimy hands off our goods.

Anyway, Father Danny is more of a funny story. He started coming in about 2 or 3 years ago. Said he was a history teacher. I enjoyed history in high school, so I used to ask him all sorts of questions about history during our sessions. Well this didn’t seem to go over well with him, and he never liked answering my questions – always tried changing the subject to sex. But from the very beginning, I thought there was something familiar about him.

So one day I’m at Trina’s house going through the photo album of her son’s christenting. And Lo and Behold! Guess who’s in the pictures? Why it’s our little history teacher!!! He was at her son’s christening!!! That explains why he never wanted to see Trina. When I saw those pics, I started screaming at her that this guy was a regular at the business, but she didn’t believe me – at least not until the next time he came in. I made sure she got a good look at him before we went into session. Let me tell ya – when he saw her he turned beet red and didn’t have a word to say during that visit! Didn’t see him for 6 months after that little episode, and now he ALWAYS calls first to see who’s working.

The last, but not least of our little dirty clergyman is a local Minister. He’s married with a couple of kids. We know he’s a minister because he actually talks about it in session. His is a weird case. This guy is about 60, but looks like a young, chiseled George Clooney! I swear to God on this one! (again - no pun intended) I normally don’t go on about how hot a client is, but if he weren’t a Minister, he’d be getting laid so often he wouldn’t need our services. But since he’s a Minister, I think that’s his curse. Got married young, followed a good Christian life, and got frustrated and bored by his marriage I guess. He’s not nearly as disrespectful as the other guys, but he makes up for it in perversion. Always asking for weird stuff like jerking him off with our feet, or wearing school girl outfits. One time he paid me a couple hundred bucks to wear bright pink lipstick and call him “Daddy” for an hour.

And that brings me to my last point… I’m a cradle born Catholic, but now I only go to mass when my Grandma needs a ride. The sad thing to me is that these guys take money from regular, decent, churchgoing folk. Then they drive to the Business in their expensive cars, wearing their fine suits, just to get an erotic massage. And these guys tend to leave big tips too. I mean – hard working people give their hard earned money out of faith, and these guys spend it like this? I’m not saying that I’m a saint, but at least I know that our services aren’t exactly “Holy.”

I’m in a pissy mood now. And I have even more to vent about tomorrow, so see ya then.

CJ

Sex and the Recession

I was reading in the paper today that our stupid ass president is finally admitting that the economy sucks. Duh. Luna and I were talking about business the other day and let me tell ya – Working Girls can spot a recession faster than any of these chump politicians. Know what I’m talking about?

It’s like this… here in the Sex Industry we rely mostly on what people call “Disposable Income.” In other words – getting your willy whacked is a luxury, not a necessity. Luna said it worked the same way when she was hooking. When the economy is down, people earn less and spend less. So when Punchclock Joe gets his paycheck, he automatically knows if he’s cleared enough after his bills to afford our affections.

And customers are like clockwork when it comes to paydays. On payday, business peeks that Friday night and it usually lasts through the weekend.. At the local plant, we know it’s payday every 2 weeks because we get what we call the “Business Rush.” I keep a log of my tips and noticed these trends years ago. Now the federal payday is monthly, and what we see then is a peak that usually lasts about a week.

And in case you were wondering, apart from quantity of customers, we also see changes in what guys are asking for in options, and size of tips. When things are great – like before 9/11 – I remember getting 20 customers during a single 12 hour shift. AND THIS WAS NORMAL!!! Guys would come in more frequently for shorter visits, but would ask for the more expensive options and often tip extra. Then when the economy tanked, guys would come in less frequently but for longer sessions. I guess they wanted to stretch their dollar since the tip stays the same no matter how much time they want. Then when things get REALLY bad, guys come in less frequently, ask for the cheapest options, and never tip extra.

Then there's ROCK BOTTOM. Now you know things have hit rock bottom when customers start asking you to drop your price. THIS IS WHAT HAS HAPPENED TODAY. I talked about this situation in my first post to this blog thing. Our prices haven’t gone up in 3 years, but ever since October, more and more customers have been trying to talk us down. This has NEVER been this bad in all the years I’ve been doing this. Heck – even Audrey says that this is the worst dry spell she’s ever seen - and she’s been doing this forever!

Luna’s seen the same thing back in her whoring days, but with some minor differences. When things got bad, she said hooking oftens turns into a bartering business. So she’d start trading sex for drugs, booze, or the occasional DVD player. On the flip side, you can also tell the economy is going south when liquor sales go up. Customer of mine owns a liquor store and said business has been good in recent months. Maybe we should change this place to a liquor store! LOL

So you wanna know how the economy is doing? Fuck the news - just visit your friendly, local massage parlor.

BTW - have you been reading about this so-called Stimulus Package from the government? They're going to send all us poor folk checks in the mail. Well let me tell ya, the last time that happened, we offered our own little "Stimulus Package" here at the Business!!! We ran specials that just happened to coincide with the checks - made a TON of money for about a month. I'll talk to Audrey about doing that again in May.

But I'm not going to hold my breath... with a couple hundred extra bucks, a lot of people I know are just going to buy groceries.

Well that’s it for now. Don’t you guys have any questions for me yet??? Writing about what bugs me is getting old. What are you guys curious about? I don't want to start boring you!

CJ
Economist/Masseuse

The Business

The “Business” as I like to call it is located in a small, indiscrete shopping center. Our location is pretty good since we’re on a busy road and between 2 major freeways. We have 3 billboards to help direct the trucker clientele our way, and an ad every week in the local entertainment rag. Unlike your typical bordello or Asian massage parlor, our store front is nicely dressed up in drapes and a small neon “Open” sign. The front door opens to a small foyer leading to the front desk. The Business is tastefully done in cranberry with gray highlights. There are a few spa related items scattered about the rooms such as pictures of beach scenes, candles, dried flowers, etc. We even keep a few bottles of massage oils out on the counter for purchase (don’t look closely – they’re covered with dust).

We have 3 session rooms, a waiting room for customers, and a small break room round back. The waiting room is off to the side so we can shuffle guys in and out without anyone having to bump into each other – important in a business where anonymity is a virtue.

Each session room has a rather spacious massage table and a small shower stall in the corner (truckers won't come in if you don't have showers). A small closet is available for customers clothes. They seem to appreciate the closets – must think we’re going to pick their pockets I guess. A silver towel warmer is installed in each room as an extra little perk for our guests, plus it makes the place look classy. Upon first glance, we look legitimate, and that’s the important thing. There are no mirrors on the ceiling, no glory holes in the restroom, and no purple velvet couches with stains.

Audrey is the owner and #1 employee of the Business. She’s had this place for almost 7 years now, and worked the parlor circuit for over 15. She’s short and wirey with a mass of bleach blonde hair. She dresses like she’s 18 when she’s actually 45. At first glance I guess you could say she looks like an aging rocker chick. As an employee, she takes customers like the rest of us – which can be annoying at times. I mean, we need to make our money too. As the owner she keeps the door money. Remember – we work off tips, but the customer pays at the door for the amount of time he wants to spend.

Trina is my co-worker and best friend. She’s been here the entire time it’s been open and got me my job here. She’s normal height and a bit on the heavy side. Guys love her since she has big, natural tits.

Let me tell ya – in this line of work, the natural look works better than the slutty look. I’ve known girls who’ve gotten into this business and thought implants would increase their tips – WRONG. Implants and slutty makeup work for strip clubs where it’s all about looking and not touching. In a massage parlor since you actually get to touch, guys prefer real tits and the “Girl Next Door” look. Most guys do not like chicks with tattoos or piercings (especially guys WITH tattoos I’ve noticed).

Want to hear something funny? In general, customers prefer a girl who either looks like their wife/girlfriend or used to look like her in her youth. No kidding. This is what I’ve gathered from clients throughout the years. There are of course lots of exceptions, but I’m not talking about guys with fetishes for women with big feet, pink hair, midgets, etc. I’m talking about the run-of-the-mill customer who just wants to relax for an hour with one of us.

That reminds me – I almost forgot my other co-worker Luna. She’s an ex-hooker who’s been in the Business for about 6 months now. She doesn’t quite get it at times. I mean, she still tends to come in to work dressed like trailer trash. I don’t know how many times Audrey has talked to her about it. She doesn’t have implants, but keeps insisting that’s what’s keeping her from making “real” money around here. When you’re a 40 year old, alcoholic pill head, guys kinda shy away. Audrey keeps her away from the front desk since often turns off the customers. Customers will come in and if she just happens to be out front, she'll lie and say she’s the only 1 available – unless he’s a known bad-tipper, in which case she’ll pass him off on us in a heartbeat! Bitch.

Let me back up here and explain how we divide up customers. A massage parlor will traditionally have only a few girls at any given time. Since we are NOT full-service, we won’t march out a whole harem of lingerie wearing sluts like at the Bunny Ranch. Customers don’t normally pick their masseuse – instead we take turns sitting at the front desk and the next customer is ours. Regulars can request us by name or make appointments if they have favorites.

Now I’m all worked up over Luna. We all have bills to pay, so I don’t need anyone stealing customers from me. I can tell you stories of all the times she’s ripped me off. Ugh. I can’t stand working with her because it feels like babysitting. She doesn’t own a car, so she’s always bumming a ride. She rarely picks up the phone, and when she does she’ll lie about who’s working so she can steal the appointment. God I hate her!!

Ya know – sometimes I think I started this blog just so I could bitch about her. Phew – that feels better.

CJ

Boyfriends - or - How can you date someone when you spend all day jerking guys off

Yes - I have a boyfriend. His name is Tom (not his real name – duh). One of my friends read my earlier post that mentions him and said it would be interesting to talk about. So what’s it like to be in my line of business and have a boyfriend? Well let me tell ya.

No – he doesn’t know. Why? Because I’ve learned over the years that it’s just simpler. He thinks I’m a shampooer at a day salon. It’s a good cover since I technically work in a spa - but instead of washing the blue hair of old ladies, I’m giving handjobs to bald businessmen. Same difference, right? Complaining at the end of the day about customers, co-workers, business – it’s all pretty much the same. And luckily Tom doesn’t ask too many questions.

So why not tell him you ask? Yeah Right! Let me tell you the rules of dating when you’re in “The Business.”

Rule #1 – Don’t date the customers.
For some reason, this is NOT self explanatory. My first boss explained this to me when I first starting working for her. Dating customers ALWAYS ends badly. No exceptions. The pattern is always the same. At first it’s fine because they act like they're soooooo understanding of your job. Next, they start to brag about their job, how much money they earn, and how you should really consider getting out of the business and letting them take care of you.

Then the jealousy starts. It finally dawns on them that you meet guys all day long who claim to be rich – just like them. Then they remember that you're willing to go out with a customer – just like them. Eventually they accuse you of banging every customer, stalking you in the parking lot, claiming you used them for money, following customers home, and finally... threatening to call the police on the business. HAPPENS EVERY TIME.

This doesn’t mean I won’t go out with a customer. In fact, I’ve had some of the best times hanging with guys outside the business. The difference I think is that when a customer asks you out on a date, they assume that you’re as trampy in your personal life as you are in your professional life. WRONG. A $100 tip gets you a topless handjob at work. A $100 dinner gets you nothing if you’re an asshole. Now a customer that truly asks you out as a friend is really showing me a tremendous amount of respect. He’s basically saying he wants to spend time with me not because of what I do for a living, but in spite of it.

Rule #2 – Don’t tell your boyfriend what you do.
This rule has a dozen exceptions that I won’t go into. But in general, my colleagues and I agree that a clueless boyfriend is much easier to deal with than a nosy one for all the reasons that I described above. I’ve tried to come clean with some guys in the past, and it usually ends in jealousy, mistrust, and accusations of cheating. And every fight usually includes the word “whore" from then on.

Now this doesn’t mean that all of us erotic massage therapists hide our business life from our partners. I’ve even known a couple of married women who’s husbands get off on the fact that their wife is a “sex worker” - and get off even more on their paychecks.

Rule #3 – Don’t ever feel guilty about Rules 1 and 2.It’s not worth it. Besides, does anyone really truly know what their partner does for a living? At the beginning of the day I walk into a spa, and at the end of the day I walk out of one. What happens in between is really academic and most guys don’t really give a shit anyway. When I tell guys I'm a shampooer, their eyes usually glaze over, then they go back to staring at my tits.

Look at Tom for example. He runs a small construction crew. They work on houses and stuff, but do I really know EXACTLY what he does all day? I have no clue. He could be doing lines off some whore’s ass in downtown Pottsville while his guys do all the building stuff – I don’t know. I may ask him how his day went when he comes home, but he doesn’t really go into detail, and neither do I. He doesn't really give a crap how my day goes, so why would he care about the messy little details? Do you know what I'm talking about?

Well, my left hand is more tired than usual, so I’m gonna sign off now. If anyone is reading this crap PLEASE ask me some more questions. I’ll probably tell you more about past boyfriends later, and maybe then some of this may make sense. See ya later.

CJ

Asian Massage Parlors

I finally got my first question the other day - it’s about time you guys started asking me stuff since I really don’t even know where to begin. So you wanna know about the Asian places, huh? Well that reminds me about what my co-worker Katy and I were talking about last night.

In our area of the state, we get a weekly rag called the Weekender. You’ve probably seen them – they’re given away free in grocery stores and gas stations. Mostly they cover local concerts, politics, movies etc. But if you look in the back pages, you’ll find all sorts of ads for strip clubs, massage parlors, and in some cities escort agencies. Periodically we scan the ads to see how the local competition is doing or if there’s a new shop in town.

There are always ads for the local Asian places. They usually go by the name of “Sauna,” “Spa” or “Accupressure.” Tip for you guys – any place that says accu-pressure is a code word for massage parlor. On the flip side – if you go to any place that says accu-puncture – don’t bother asking the 70 year old Chinese guy who works there for a happy ending.

The Asian places differ from other massage parlors in only a couple ways. First – they usually offer a “Table Shower” or “Body Shampoo.” This is where they lay you on a table in a giant shower stall, and scrub you from head to toe. Then they sometimes stick you in a sauna for a few minutes before taking you to the massage room. Keep in mind that all this pampering is taken out of your 60 minute session. What I hear from my customers is that the massage rooms always look like seedy little bedrooms instead of legit businesses with real massage tables. I have also heard from my customers that most of them are full service. Occasionally you’ll find one that’s happy ending only, but you can’t tell the difference from just looking through the window.

One way to find out if a massage business is full service is to have a female call them and ask for an appointment (or ask for your “wife”). They will make some lame excuse why they’re not taking appointments if they are full service. Happy-Ending-Only places may take the appointment if they need to appear legit. Sometimes we like to screw with the Asian places by calling them and trying to make appointments. We’ll keep insisting on coming in till they hang up on us.


Keep those questions coming!! Bye for now.

CJ

Massage Parlor Code Words and Lingo

Someone commented to me the other day that they like the idea of my new blog, but sometimes don’t understand the terms I use. I kinda forgot that I’m supposed to be teaching you guys this stuff, so I'll go over the basic lingo we use in the business. So here goes:

“The Business” (also referred to as a “Massage parlor” or “Spa”): This is my place of employment where customers come in for a relaxing massage with a little something extra at the end. The Business should not be confused with a “Brothel” which is just sex. Believe it or not, we’re actually expected to provide quality massages here. In fact, most of the girls here are/were licensed massage therapists.

“Happy ending” (also referred to as a “Release,” “Climax” or “Money shot”): These are the code words we use to talk about making a guy cum. I personally prefer the term “Release” and use it when talking to customers. When describing to newbies what I do, I find it sounds more professional to say “...I end the massage with a release,” rather than “… when I’m done I’ll jerk you off.”

There are different types of releases. The most common is the Hand Release, a.k.a. Handjob. 99% of my sessions end with this one. Another type of release is the Breast Release – also referred to by the more crass term “Tittyfucking.” Another is the Butt Release where the guy lubes up your ass cheeks and slides it between them. There are other variations, but you get the picture. I charge extra for anything other than a hand release, so I don’t get many chances to do one.

“Options”: This is the term we use to describe the various ways we provide our massages. For my customers I usually offer these 3 Options: 1) Topless, 2) G-string, 3) Nude. I guess each is self explanatory. There is no real difference to the massage, its just that the guy pays according to the type of view he wants.

“Therapeutic”: You could call this the “4th” option. This is a session where the man (or woman) wants nothing more than a legitimate therapeutic massage. NO HAPPY ENDING. In fact, for most of these customers, they are not even aware of our Options! You can imagine why this is our least favorite of the options since we make almost no money off these. Why do we do them you ask? Remember – WE ARE A MASSAGE BUSINESS. And sometimes you have to do what you have to do to keep up the appearance of being legitimate. A lot of these customers are locals who just have no clue, and the one thing you really can't afford to do in this business is make waves with the locals.

“Customer” or “Clients”: I wanted to point out that we have customers like any other business. We do not call them “Johns” or “Tricks” or “Dates” like hookers do.

“Session” or “In Session”: This is when you’re working with a customer. I’ll say “I’m in Session…” when I’m busy with a client.

“Full Service”: Sex. This is the difference between your standard massage parlor and a brothel. A woman or business that offers straight sex above and beyond a handjob is referred to as “Full Service.” It doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t be offered Full Service in a massage parlor – but that’s between you and your masseuse.

Well, this is the basic lingo to get you around most businesses. If you have any questions about specific terms you’ve heard before, please ask. Happy hunting!

CJ

Cheap Ass Customers

Oh shit - just another day putting up with CHEAP ASS CUSTOMERS.
What the hell? They think they can get everything and anything for free? I’m sooooo not putting up with their cheap asses today - we all have bills to pay. Listen to this… It’s what we have to listen to most of the time:

Come on honey - it's Christmas!
I still need to go shopping
I don’t have much money to spend in here today
And my personal favorite – it's my Birthday - how about a free massage!

… and all the good stuff that comes with it.

Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Sammie was just here. I don't really care for him too much. His English is bad so you have to make him repeat himself the whole time. He's from New York City and thinks his shit don't stink. He takes the Nude massage. I reminded him that I take my money up front and he complains “How long have I been coming here to see you? That shouldn’t matter… blah blah blah..” He gets up and hands me the money. As I’m putting it away he starts with “Well are you going to stand next to the table or what?” So I put the warm baby oil in my hand and walk back to the table. He sits up and pulls me towards him and starts to caress my breasts. “You know CJ, like I always said - you have the most beautiful boobs.”

“They’re not boobs,” I said. “They’re breasts and they’re all mine. Most girls got implants thinking it would make them better money. Lay down Sammie, you only paid for thirty minutes.”

As I begin massaging his back, I go harder since this is an erotic massage and not a deep tissue massage. I soooooo can't wait for this session to be over. After a few minutes it’s time to turn over already. As I begin to massage his chest I can smell his breath oh me. What the fuck did he eat - it's nasty! It’s about this time that he starts this shit:

“You know CJ, I jerked off two times today.”

What the fuck??? That got my attention. I try not to sound angry - “You did?”

“Yea I did. My wife was in the shower and I was horny, and I knew she didn't want to fuck.”

“How did you know she didn't want to fuck?”

“I just know.”

Now I’m ticked. “Well you said you jerked off twice right before you came in here - now why would you do that?” I hope he can hear the irritation in my voice.

“When you start to caress my cock with that damn warm baby oil, my dick gets super hard in two seconds and I can't help but want you to start jerking me off faster - and then I cum! So I jerked off before I came here so it would last longer.” He says this last bit so matter-of-factly that I want to just smack that smug look off his face.

“Well you already know you have five minutes left to cum? If not, you’re on your own” I say as matter-of-factly as I can. I’m not a robot! Do they think that my arms don't ever get tired? You know what it’s like to do a hard massage on some Fat Ass for 45 minutes straight then they expect you to spend the last 15 minutes of their session just jerking them off? Fuck that! This job beats your ass sometimes.

“Oh CJ… Put your pussy in my face… want to smell you… feel you… oh CJ… fuck me… fuck me… yeah… CJ go faster!” Geez - how much faster does he want me to go? They like when you talk dirty to them. I charge extra to talk dirty but in this case I really want this session to end. Besides, I’m still kinda hung over from New Years!

“Sammie… I feel your hard cock in my hand… I wanna fuck you with my hand… you feel my warm hand stroking your hard cock? Come on baby cum for me… Oh yeah… you like it when I stroke your hard cock…”

“Don't stop... harder… harder… I’m… oh my… yea baby… oh my!”

His cock gets real hard and then he starts to cum. He doesn’t make a sound when he cums. Only a little bit of jizz comes out, so I wipe the front of him with warm water then I throw my clothes back on. “Ok sweetie, I'll see you when you’re done getting dressed. I want to wash my hands, ok? I'll be right back.”

“Hey CJ. See you soon.”

I’m like whatever - leave ok? “Sammie, see ya soon!” I manage to say. Thank god we’re done.

I wonder what the boss lady is doing in the room next door. Probably getting her pussy licked - yikes that's nasty.

And that’s just another old day at the office!

CJ

Just another day in the office...

I have so many stories, I don’t even know where to begin. But I guess I can start with an ordinary day. This is what I call a typical Thursday afternoon…

My three o’clock walks in. It’s "Tony" from Philly. He’s been here before, but I wouldn’t call him a regular. He has business up here in Easton, so he stops in once in a while. I booked him for a thirty minute session, then showed him to my room. I told him to get comfortable then left him alone so I could finish booking him in. We don’t keep track of names or anything (for obvious reasons), but Audrey (my boss) insists on keeping strict records of every customer and their time.

3:00 phone-in. 30 minutes.

Since there’s no one else here, I locked the front door and put up the “Back in … minutes” sign on the door. I quickly washed my hands and then went into session. Tony was lying naked on his stomach on the table. Since I hadn’t seen him recently I went over all the options: topless for $70, g-string for $90 and nude for $140. He took the g-string and then fumbled in his pants lying on the floor for the money. I took the cash without counting it (I never count the money in front of the customer) and put it on the shelf next to the aromatherapy candle.

I told him to relax and then asked if he wanted hot oil or baby powder. Most guys prefer oil. Now you can tell the guys with wives or girlfriends at home because they don’t want anything that smells, or is hard to clean up. That’s why we rarely bother with scented massage oils, unless a customer asks for it or brings it in themselves. Single guys don’t care what you use. Tony asks for oil. Now truckers won’t use oil unless you have a shower on site. It’s usually the first thing they ask about when they call the business for the first time.

Now Tony is kind of a boring guy and doesn’t say much, just the occasional “oooooo” or “ouch” when I crack something in his back. Since this is my last customer of the day before Trina (my cute but lazy co-worker) gets here, I rush the massage part a bit and after a few minutes of deep tissue tell him to roll over onto his back. I don’t feel too guilty about rushing it since he’s not talking anyway. Some guys just love to chat and will keep going on and on about their day, their family, their boss, their girlfriend, their job – whatever’s bugging them. But this guy was just lying there so that usually means they just want you to get to the Release.

Since he’s not a regular I feel obligated to give him the speech – “If there’s any part of your body that you would like massaged at this time, please indicate so by placing my hand there.” He takes my right hand and guides it to his semi-erect dick. I give it a quick squeeze and smile (they love that) then I grab the baby oil which has been warming up in the crock pot and lube up my hands. You never apply it directly to their cock. I learned that the hard way.

Now let me explain something at this point – I AM NOT FULL SERVICE. I don’t fuck guys. I don’t suck cock. I don’t let guys finger me. I don’t let anyone go down on me. I don’t even keep condoms in my room. I am also not a stripper! I don’t dance. I don’t do a striptease. I won’t even pose for a client. I am a licensed massage therapist certified by the State of Pennsylvania. I give therapeutic massages with the option of a hand release. So I do it naked – so what? If some guy wants to see my landing strip for $140, why not? But if he wants anything other than a hand job, he knows he can go to any of the other girls here.

I work the oil gently over his shaft while he stretches out flat on the table. I steal a glance at the clock… Damn, it’s only 3:30 – where the Hell’s Trina? Tony finally starts to become hard and I start working his cock with my right hand while massaging his thigh with my left. I realize I’m out of sandwich bread, so I need to hit the store before I go home. I was going to make sloppy joes for dinner, but that will depend on whether my boyfriend Mike is coming over tonight or not.

Tony’s breath finally starts to quicken. I move my left hand from his thigh and start to stroke his balls. He sighs loud and tenses a little bit on the table. Now when was the last time Mike actually cooked for me? We’ve been dating now for 4 months and it seems like ages since he last did anything romantic like that. I hope he’s bringing a movie. I better call him when I’m done here so I don’t have to make a stop at the movie store too. Anything but another kung fu flick.

“Ooooh baby yeah…” I finally hear. Almost forgot you were there Tony! I start working his shaft a little faster. “I like that… faster…” I add a little more speed and throw in an obligatory “You are soooo hard… you gonna come for me?” Some guys like it when you talk, some don’t. Some like to talk dirty, some want you to instead. I can usually read them and Tony is a bit too uptight for anything beyond the typical. I look at the clock again, but then I finally hear a noise outside – Trina is here. About time bitch. Hope you have that twenty you owe me. Not that I’m really mad at her or anything, it’s just that after borrowing $20 for gas, bumming cigarettes off me all day, and those drinks I spotted her on Saturday I get kinda sensitive about the money thing. She also promised me stories of her date last night. I hope she got laid because she needs it to calm the fuck down.

I’m really working Tony’s shaft now. I can always tell when a guy is about to cum – the cock gets really hard at the last second so you need to be paying attention. I can hear Tony breathing heavy, but it’s steady which is not what you want at this point. I can’t wait to ask Trina about last night, so I play my ace… “You wanna grab my ass?”

That worked. He quickly moves his left hand off the table and grabs my right butt cheek. He squeezes it a couple of time before I hear that louder moan, “Yeah that’s it… harder now… harder… that’s it…” I can tell with my right hand that it’s time, so I slow down and ease off so he doesn’t shoot his eye out. He stays pretty quiet as he shoots a couple of small streams of cum onto his belly. I continue to work his dick gently now as his breathing slows. Other girls usually walk away at this point and toss a towel at their client, but not me. I keep going for that extra minute, gently massaging them while their dick shrinks. THAT is one of my secrets for repeat customers. That and always cleaning them up afterwards. Guys seem to really appreciate that part.

I dab a fresh towel in the crock pots hot water, then towel Tony off. He seems a bit winded, but not surprising for a guy his age. He mutters a “Thank you” then slowly sits up. I wipe my hands off then start to put my clothes back on. Oddly enough, the guys don’t like to dress in front of you, so I always make a quick exit at this point and tell them I’ll see them outside. I close the door behind me and take a quick look around in case Trina is booking another customer. Rule #1: Customers should never see other customers - it’s just awkward. I don’t see her so I quickly run to the back room to say hi before I show Tony out.

And that’s just another day in the office. Any questions?

cj

Ever wonder what REALLY goes on in a massage parlor?

Welcome to my blog! My name is CJ, and I'm an Erotic Massage Therapist. Now if you don't know what that is - I work in a massage parlor. Ever drive by one of those places with a red neon sign that says "SPA" and wonder what goes on behind those blackened windows? Well I'm gonna tell ya!

Stop by later and I'll start sharing some of my stories.

cj