Outcall Massage for Dummies

Hey Guys! I was thinking that if Al Gore was a fan of my blog, he wouldn't be in the trouble he's in now. Or he might be in worse trouble? Who knows. Anyway, I thought that maybe it's time for me to review some of the basics of getting your happy ending for some of the newbies out there. And if you're a high powered politician, then you especially better pay attention and take notes. You know who I'm talking to...

Today's lesson is entitled "Outcall Massage, or How To Get Your Happy Ending In The Privacy Of Your Own Home."

Outcall massage is a genuine form of massage therapy and is primarily meant for customers who are bedridden, or cannot travel to a massage therapists office (i.e. senior citizens, people with disabilities, etc.). Nowadays however, outcall is associated more with tired businessmen in airport hotels. I did outcall for a little bit when I was just out of massage school, but it's a tough line of work. You have to lug around your own massage table, and the customers are often in poor shape or even ill. The pay is good if you can find an agency that can keep you busy.

But we're not gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about the kind of outcall meant for tired businessmen at airport hotels. This is not the kind of outcall I did, but I know more than a few girls who do this. I guess you could say I have done erotic massage on outcall, but that was just a few times for very special customers.

So you wanna have some girl come over to your hotel and provide you with some manual stress relief? Go grab the phone book (it's next to the Gideon's Bible) and flip it open to Massage. If you're in a big city, chances are you'll find a few businesses that advertise outcall massage or "We Come To You!!" Stay away from any listings using the term LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist) or "Chair Massage." If your hotel offers massage services, chances are they are legit (unless you're a vice president).

Now identifying a happy ending provider is tricky because they're just not gonna tell you over the phone. However, you can try to get an idea by asking some questions. For example, "What kind of massage do you provide?" The key words to look for are stress relief, soft or accupressure. If they use the term therapeutic you may as well hang up. Another good question is "Does the masseuse have her own table?" If the answer is "No" then you are 99% home. A legit massage therapist would insist on using a portable table.

[Of course you could just avoid all this secret code stuff and just open up the yellow pages to the Escort section. That pretty much guarantees you'll get laid, but does not guarantee a massage. However, I'm an erotic masseuse, so I'm going to assume that you're still looking for a massage first and foremost.]

Now that you've figured it all out and she's on her way over, you need to seal the deal. Make sure you have cash. Chances are she's not gonna have a credit card reader in her purse, and do you really want her reading your credit card number to some guy named Rocco on her cell phone? Outcall tends to cost more than Incall because you're paying for her travel expenses etc., so try to have the cost of the session as discussed on the phone, plus an extra $100 for a hand release. If you want full services, better make it at least $200 additional. Now if you're wearing an adult diaper with a Batman mask, and you want her to bend you over her knee because "... I've been a very bad boy..." - you better empty out the ATM.

When I was listening to them discuss the Al Gore thing on the Howard Stern Show, they said it was a code sign to hug the masseuse when she arrives. I've never heard of that before - but maybe some girls do that. At The Business, I don't hug anybody I just met. I'll jerk them off, but I won't hug them. Oddly enough, my personal space doesn't include my left hand.

Anyway, the next code sign is the towel. When the masseuse asks you to "get comfortable" or "would you like a towel?" the correct response is to get naked and decline the towel. If you keep the underwear or towel - you're getting a therapeutic massage only. By the same token, if she tells you to keep on your underwear and use a towel, you may be screwed (in the bad way). Your last chance is to say "I'd prefer without" and see what she says. If she insists, then you're getting a therapeutic and you better like it.

Assuming you've successfully gotten this far and you're lying there naked on the hotel bed without a towel, the happy ending is pretty much guaranteed. At this point, she may start the massage or negotiate her tip. If she starts immediately, then she'll either offer you her options at the end of the massage, or she has no options and you're getting a hand release only. You can politely bring up the topic of "extras" at this point if you want something specific. If she offers you options up front, then the door has now been opened and you can ask about whatever perversions float your boat.

This conversation probably did not take place in Al Gores hotel room.

Remember - the masseuse sets the tone of your session and you have to follow her rules. Don't get pushy. If she's a fully clothed, handjob only kinda girl, then accept it (I'm looking at you Al). If she's a full service escort, then you may not even get to the massage. The point is that you probably won't know until after she walks through the door and explains her services to you.

There - that should be just enough information to get you guys started on your own tabloid scandals. Good luck! And if there are any guys out there with more secret tips or code signs, please feel free to weigh in.

CJ