How To Get Free Handjobs - And Other Things I Shouldn't Be Telling You

Sometimes I forget that this is supposed to be a "confessions" thing, but lately the topics have been rather uncomfortable for me. I really hate talking about the legal stuff - as you can tell. I really don't want to turn this into a debate over what we can and can't get away with. Let's just say that all of the stuff that me and fellow masseuses have done over all these years - well, we've gotten away with it. So let's just leave it at that.

Now last time I mentioned how I used to give away happy endings. Well, it was at the first Business I worked at, and I had to put up with it for about a year and a half. But don't bother looking for it now - it's long gone. Like a lot of places, it eventually switched over to full service and closed down. I left way before that happened.

Ya wanna know how many guys I jerked off for free during that first year - too many to count! If you remember, that place was owned by two women I affectionately called Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn. They figured that mandatory happy endings were a little legal loophole - after all, it's not prostitution if I give it to you for free! This was one of those "obvious" massage parlors. I mean, it didn't even try to look like a day spa or anything. At that time the place was partly full-service (except for good girls like me). Not that it was supposed to be - but some girls were breaking the rules big time.

This was the deal... The house pocketed all the "massage" money at the door. The only $$ we made were off the options in the room. I think back in those days we charged $40 for topless, $60 for G-string, $80 for nude and $100 for mutual. Then there was the "no options" option - which was a straight massage where I kept all my clothes on, but I still had to give a happy ending!

Now that I think about it, I'd say about half my customers back then were the "no option" cheapskates. How on Earth did we put up with it you ask? Well, the paying customers more than made up for it. But after a couple months of free handjobs, I started to bitch to the other girls and eventually we came up with a plan. We started asking for a $20 "tip" for the massages up front.

This plan was implemented with mixed results. Some guys told us to go fuck ourselves, while most just gave in. Then there were a few who "tipped" us a dollar or 2 - just to piss us off. They were still getting their happy ending, but NOW it was starting to make us angry. So we all finally complained to Dee and Dawn and they agreed to let us stop with the mandatory HJs.

But before you guys start accusing me of false advertising, I will let you know right now that there are still businesses out there that give it up for free. In fact, one of the full-service Businesses across town still offers handjobs for a $5 massage tip (but their girls are all skanks and not nearly as nice as us!). But I try not to mention that little tidbit in front of OUR customers.

So that's your tip of the day - if you're willing to give up a nice view of a half naked masseuse, you may get a freebee out of it. Wait to see what options they offer then go for none (or the cheapest). There's a pretty good chance that your masseuse will make your day - Just because she wants to! LOL

CJ

Part 4 - Where are they now?

Welcome to Part 4 of my ever increasingly badly named 3 Part Series. After I finally finished telling that last story, I realized just how difficult it was for me to go through that again. I think that's why I just had no interest in sitting down in front of the computer and saying anything. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to change the subject and talk about funny stuff again.

For example... On Monday I had another 300 pound guy come in (Just gotta love them, right?). He took 1 look at me and (no lie) he said "I like 'em skinny. Is there anyone else working here?" I'm a freakin size 2 for gawds sake. When I told him no, he probably couldn't help but hear the resentment I had in my voice. He said "Fine. I'll take you anyway..." So I told him I had an appointment and he had to leave - NOW. How's that bi-otch! Nowadays I have just zero tolerance for assholes.

My girl Slutty McWhore (great blog - go read it it) left a funny comment about how she hopes our prices have gone up since the old days. Well, even though the job is more or less the same as back when I started, there are a lot of small differences. For starters, our prices have gone up roughly 50% since those days. Unfortunately, guys take longer sessions now - so the house makes more money while we work longer.

I continued being a one-handed-tug wonder for about 2 years before I finally started to improve my technique (not that anyone ever complained). I had been working for a couple of months before I got my first request for a "Breast Release" to which I replied "We don't do that here." After I told a co-worker about that freak, she explained that what he wanted was a good, old-fashioned Titty Fuck. Ohhhhhhhhh... Now I know. She said I could probably charge a couple extra hundred for it, then gave me some pointers on how to keep the semen out of my hair. That's when I realized that I could go from Mo' Money to Mad Money overnight.

A couple years later, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn ended up losing that business after going partners with a man. They should have known better!!!! He ripped them off for everything until the place was forced to shut down - then he reopened a new place across town and took most of the girls with him. I'm still in touch with some of the girls to this day. Some stayed masseuses, while a couple others I lost to drugs or abusive boyfriends. A few went legit. I ended up working for that guy for exactly 1 week before I decided that I shouldn't have to blow anyone just to keep my job.

I worked for a couple different bosses before I finally ended up with Audrey. Over the years, the fate of most businesses has been to slowly turn to full-service. After a business stops offering massages, it's pretty much nothing more than a brothel. Then the cops take notice and they shut down. The sleazy owners (usually guys) then open up shop elsewhere, while the girls circulate through other Businesses.

The "Massage Parlor" is slowly becoming a thing of the past. It's getting harder in this business to keep things sexy without actually crossing over into sex - especially when the full-service places are just around the corner. I mean, we still have our fans - guys who just want to relax for an hour with a little something extra at the end. Then there are the fetishists who don't want sex and find masseuses very understanding of their needs.

I can't fault these girls for eventually making the jump to full-service. The money is usually better, but sometimes you have to because every other girl you work with does it. When you realize one day that customers keep going to all the other girls, you might just give in and let some guy finger you so you can pay your phone bill.

So there you have it - I'm the last of a dying breed! And that's a pretty good summary of what's happened around here in between my first happy ending and that last one from this afternoon. I'll try to be more upbeat next time.

CJ

CJ Comes Over to the Dark Side - Part 2.5 - The Rules

Did we all have a good 4th of July weekend? Audrey closed the business for 3 days, so I got a much needed break from work. I didn’t do anything productive, just ate and drank with family and friends, plus fireworks on Friday and Saturday. The great thing about Philly is that there are always plenty of fireworks to see. I even had a real date over the weekend with the Brad Pitt clone, but I think he’s getting frustrated because I’ll make out with him, but I won’t let him touch my breasts. But enough stalling…

This is NOT Part 3 of our exciting 3 Part miniseries. I will get to that eventually, but some of you asked exactly how I learned everything I needed to know about the Art of the Happy Ending. When I first started writing about the “birds and bees” talk with Dawn, I actually began to describe all the sorded details of how they did business, but then I got bored with it and thought you all would get bored too. But I guess not. So here ya go… More of the mundane details on how I learned to properly administer a Happy Ending.

Now at the tender age of %^#$ I had already known how to give a decent handjob, but I had never considered it an important job skill. But let me tell ya, back in those days all I pretty much knew how to do was the standard one-handed tug. I mean think about it – in high school, you don’t really have to be particularly good at anything. Just look at an 18 year old the right way, and he’ll get off.

So basically I only had 1 weapon in my erotic arsenal. Dawn never asked if I KNEW how to give a good handjob – she was only concerned that I was WILLING to give one. Looking back, I guess I didn’t realize the full weight of what I had just agreed to cuz if I did, I may have just run back crying to my Spa job. Now that I’m writing this story down, I think that if they told me about the handjobs BEFORE they gave me that first customer, I probably would have just gotten up and left right there in the interview. Instead, my first customer gives me a cash tip bigger than most of my paychecks from the Spa, THEN I’m told what I was supposed to do to earn it.

(But maybe it’s good that I didn’t walk out, else I wouldn’t be here today telling you this exciting story).

After dropping that atomic bomb of a detail, Dawn quickly changed the subject and moved on to more mundane things about how a massage parlor is different from a spa. For example, the next thing she explained was the “options.” She double checked again to make sure I was OK with getting naked in front of strangers, and believe it or not, after that first guy I realized I was. The rooms are dark and it’s just the 2 of us, so who cares – right?

Dawn said I would offer 3 options – topless only, topless while wearing a G-string (Shit – I normally went without back in those days!), and fully naked. Each had its own price, and they were non-negotiable. She then pointed out that most of the girls offer a 4th option – the “Mutual” massage. – but it’s not required and I could work my way up to that. Let me tell ya – I’m glad she said that because even though I had just agreed to the Happy Ending bit, the thought of strangers groping me just freaked me out.

Dawn noticed the look I gave her when she brought it up, so she went on to say that the customers have no right to touch me in the rooms. This bit actually surprised me and made me feel infinitely more comfortable. I’m not sure why, but perhaps it gave me a feeling of control of what happens in session – I can touch you, but you can’t touch me. It was like this little boundary gave me a sense of security, but I would learn soon enough that it was a false sense of security.

“However,” Dawn went on, “you are allowed to let them touch ‘within reason.’” Why on Earth would I WANT them to do that? Ewwwwwwww. Then she explained that it’s all about the tips, and that I could earn extra money by letting the customers touch me. EXTRA money? There’s even more if I let a guy grab my ass? I figured out later that it was in the owners best interest for me to charge as much as possible – partly because it made me a happy worker, but mostly because it meant they could keep their own prices for extras high too.

The last thing she explained was that their sessions ran from 15 to 45 minutes, with the average being 30 minutes. This is different from a Spa where sessions run from 30 minutes to 2 hours. We were to charge the same for options no matter what the length of the session was, so Dee and Dawn wanted us to push the guys towards shorter times. And when I asked how we could possibly squeeze the massage into a 15 minute session (remember – I’m from a Spa), Dawn said “… we don’t. By the time you take your clothes off it’s time for the hand release. Those customers pretty much just want to be finished quickly so they can get outta here. You will learn to love your 15 minute guys.”

As for the 45 minute sessions, Dawn said there’s no point going any longer since you can’t charge extra for options and you’ll just wear yourself out. Plus, they were doing such good business (back then) that they couldn’t afford to take a girl off the floor for any longer. That’s the one and only thing I miss about the old days! Today, sessions are longer, and I rarely see a 15 minute guy anymore. I guess customers want their money’s worth in this economy.

We spent about 30 minutes going over all the ground rules of my new universe, and I tried to concentrate on them and ask intelligent questions since it helped distract me from the thought of giving my first dreaded “hand release.” When I couldn’t think of any more questions, Dawn took me around and formally introduced me to 2 more girls. Six girls in all worked for them, for a total of 8 masseuses.

With the first shift ending, Dee and Dawn left me with a girl I’ll call Candy (since she was a stripper). They wished me luck and said if I had any problems, just let Candy know. Luckily, she was the chatty type so I got a lot of dirt from her (some of which kinda scared me). The first customer at the door she booked in and then passed on to me. I led this 300 pound trucker into 1 of the session rooms and told him to get comfortable.

15 minutes later I was in my car driving 90 MPH and crying my eyes out. I didn’t go back the next day. I didn’t take any calls from Dee or Dawn. I didn’t go back the next day or the day after. And that was my first day in a massage parlor.


CJ

CJ Comes Over to the Dark Side - Part 2 – Anatomy of a Happy Ending

When I started writing Part 2 of my first day at work, I realized that there was just too much to cover. So I’m going to have to break this up into a 3 part series if I’m going to do it justice. Now if you remember, it’s my very first day at work in a massage parlor. I have just had my first experience with a customer who wanted to see me naked (gasp!) And he wanted me to give him a handjob! (double gasp!). Keep in mind that I’ve only been at work in the Business for about 60 minutes.

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn had a good laugh at my expense with that first customer. He took that whole fiasco in stride since he was good friends with those two. As some of you guys have suggested, I think they had him come in just to break in the newbie.

I’m still shaken up by what’s happened so far, when Dawn takes me to the back office to explain the “Birds and Bees” of erotic massage. I think Dawn gave me the talk since she was also a LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist).

“I see that Rita didn’t fully explain what we do around here?” She said with a smile.

“Uh… No. What kinda place is this anyhow?” At this point I was mad, confused and embarrassed. Mad that they threw me into this. Confused by everything new around me. And embarrassed by my reaction.

“That’s OK CJ. Let me explain…” She took a deep breath. “This is what we call Erotic Massage,” She made quotation signs with her hands. “We give NON-therapeutic, relaxing massages to men,” I liked the way she stressed the word ‘non.’ “And we end each session with what we call a ‘Hand Release.’” She saw my eyebrows arch at that. “Have you ever heard of a Happy Ending… No? Well, basically it's a handjob.” She looked at me and let it set in.

Basically? -What the Hell does that mean?! I didn’t say anything – I just continued to look at her with my eyebrows arched. She must have thought I was mental. “Are you OK with that?" she asked.

I wanted to think first before answering. Up till now I’d only given handjobs to 3 different boyfriends, and most of those were foreplay – not to completion! But I felt really stuck there sitting in front of her, hearing all this for the first time, while that $100 tip was burning a hole in my pocket. I decided to just say yes.

She could tell I was nervous and did her best to put a spin on things. “This is NOT a full-service massage parlor” she said as if that explained everything to naïve, country-bumpkin, kid-outta-high-school me. “There is absolutely NO sex allowed in this Business.” I think the look I gave her was something between total incomprehension and relief. She continued, “You end every session with a hand release and nothing more. The customers are not allowed to ask for anything else, and the girls are not allowed to offer anything else, or I’ll fire them.”

Looking back I now see this was a load of crap, but live and learn, right?

I remember thinking “Well that’s good!” as if that 1 minute explanation really made getting naked and jerking strangers off completely normal and OK. But I think the burning $100 tip was slowly curing my confusion and irritation. She double and triple checked with me that I’m OK with all this, and I said I was. This is when Dawn finally told me the full rules of her Business.

The first thing she explained was that her Business offers “Relaxing” massages – not Therapeutic. I went to massage school, and they didn’t exactly cover the “relaxing” technique (nor the Hand-Release for that matter, but I digress). Dawn described it as “…deep tissue, but at half the intensity. Ever do a one hour deep tissue on a fat house wife?” My hands ached at the thought. “Well, we don’t do that here.” Phew! Even I liked that idea.

The next thing she explained was that all sessions end with a hand release.

All? Every single guy who walks through that door? Aren’t there any customers who just want a massage and a topless girl to look at?

“ALL sessions end with a release” she said as if that was the end of it. “Now pay attention because this is really important. When you get to the last 7 or 8 minutes of your session, end the massage with the customer on his back. “ She looked seriously at me then continued, “Now it is absolutely essential that you begin the hand release by saying the following…”

And this my friends are the words that launched my career, spawned a thousand handjobs, and continue to haunt me to this day.

“…If there is any part of your body that you would like to be massaged at this time, please indicate so by placing my hand there.”

And that is how CJ became an Erotic Massage Therapist. Mind you I was still a “virgin” since I hadn’t actually provided any happy endings yet – which is the true milestone of going over to the Dark Side. Dawn filled me in on the more mundane details of how they do business including what options we were allowed to offer, pricing, etc.

Armed with my new knowledge on how to offer a happy ending, I went back to the break room to await my first chance to practice the dreaded “hand release.” So for now I’ll just say that my first customer – the naked man asking me for a handjob – was the highlight of my day. It only went downhill from there.

CJ

CJ Comes Over to the Dark Side - Part 1 - My First Customer

Well after much soul searching, I decided to finally share the tale of how I got into this strange business. It wasn't exactly a fairy princess story, but what the heck, it paid the bills - fabulously.

You see, after I graduated high school, I got a few odd jobs at first. Looked into a few jobs including Nurses Aid (imagine me as a nurse!). Then I heard about the program for licensed massage therapy and decided to sign up.

First job was at an upscale day spa downtown. You'd think the job would be sweet, but let me tell ya about those rich bitches. A bunch of no tipping, cheap asses. They always remembered to tip the girl who did the nails or hair, but us masseuses they always forgot. To make matters worse, I had to put in 24 hours per week AND be on-call for another 24. Back then a typical session was about $60 to the house and tips were optional. Well since no one tipped me, all I got was $20 per massage plus $6 per hour whenever I was in the spa. And I got NO money for being on call. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that I averaged about 3 sessions per week. Talk about a disappointing job. I remember once thinking that the Shampooer had a better job than me - and that's why today I tell strangers that I'm a Shampooer at a day spa!

At this time I had a friend named Greg who I used to party with. Well, I used to notice how his wife Rita always had new clothes, and was quick to pick up the tab. I'm not the kind to be jealous of anyone, so I never asked any questions about what she did for a living. Then one night at Greg's I was talking with Rita and she asked me what I did for a living. When I told her I was a LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist) but didn't care much for it, her eyes got big and she said "Girl, have I got a job for you. I'm a masseuse too!"

But for some reason I thought there was something funny about the way she said it. I asked her where she worked, and she said it was across town at a place I had never heard of. She said they gave "relaxing massages" with "options." I think I gave her a weird look (remember - I went to school for this) when she explained that she did these massages only for men, while topless or wearing a G-string.

Let me tell ya - I looked at her like there was a horn growing out of the middle of her forehead. She noticed and laughed. "It's not that bad! I get about $40 to $80 per massage. Here - I want you to come with me to work tomorrow."

And that was the very first time I had ever heard of an erotic massage. I had no idea what to make of the idea of getting topless in front of strangers, but that amount of money per massage was just crazy. At that time I was living with a psycho boyfriend and any money to get me out of that shithole was welcome, so looking back I think I just kinda stopped asking questions because I could quadruple my income overnight.

The next day I went with Rita to her business, which was owned by two women who we would later affectionately refer to as "Tweedle-Dee" and "Tweedle-Dawn." They seemed nice enough and were very impressed with the fact that I had my LMT license. I was hired on the spot and told to get ready to take my first customer.

Now lets pause here and reflect over what has just happened (because I've gone over this in my mind a hundred times since then). What I've written here is pretty much EXACTLY what was discussed with me before I got hired. Now let us continue with this exciting story...

This guy shows up who's friends with the owners. They tell me to take him in session, so I lead him into one of the rooms. This guy (we'll call Mister) starts looking me up and down, telling me how beautiful I am and that he'll take a "nude with mutual."

Nude? NUDE? No one said nude!

"Hey mister - you wanna get me fired! I can't get naked! I can take my top off but that's it!" I was so scared about getting fired on my first client that I completely forgot that I could also take the pants off. He kinda giggled and said it was fine then. It was a little surprising how easily I took my shirt off in front of a stranger. I just figured that the room is dark, he's lying face down, and my boyfriend will NEVER KNOW.

He took the hour, so I started doing a complete therapeutic. I tried to ignore the fact that he did NOT wrap the towel around him. He was pleasantly surprised at how good I was and kept telling me so. I had never heard anyone enjoy my work that much before. The old Rich Bitches never said anything except "you're doing it too hard" or "it hurts when you do that." I have to admit it was kinda flattering, especially since I rarely ever had a male client before.

He flips over and I start on his pecs, once again trying really hard to ignore the fact that he's NOT wearing the towel. I work down to mid torso then jump straight to his legs, but before I can continue he looks at the clock and says "Now it's your turn."

"My turn for what?" I really had no clue what he just meant.

"I wanted a mutual. Remember?" He was being patient. I asked him what a mutual was. "uh... that's where I get to massage you."

"What?! You can't do that! I told you mister, that's against the rules and I don't want to get fired" I said angrily. I think he realized I was serious, so he said I could just finish up then. So I went back to his legs and started working them again. I had to go quickly since his 45 minutes were almost up.

I notice now that he's fidgeting, and then finally he sits up and asks "what about the ending?" in an annoyed tone. I told him I was almost done and he said, "... no. I mean the hand job."

!!!?????!!!!!!??????

????!!!! ???!!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!! ?

!!!!

I can't really describe with words what I was thinking at that moment. I was shocked, offended, scared and confused all at the same time. That was it for me. I yelled "I'm not doing that!" Then I threw my shirt back on - oily hands and all - grabbed my bra and bolted out the door. I went straight to the office and explained that I was just taken advantage of by that "friend" of theirs and that none of it was my fault - "Please don't fire me!"

But all they did was laugh. This really threw me. I felt like I was Alice and this was Wonderland. What kind of place was this???? Naked men? Naked Masseuses? Handjobs??? Remember - I was young, naive and just out of high school. I had no idea what a "massage parlor" was.

When they were done laughing, they told me not to worry and they would take care of it. Dee went to see Mister to explain that I was a newbie. A few minutes later, she comes back and says "Everything's cool. Here - this is for you." Then Dee hands me $100 in cash. "That's your tip." My eyes bugged out - I had weekly paychecks that were less than that. To Dawn she said "He thought she was sweet, but we have to talk to her."

This is when someone finally explained to me what "Erotic Massage" REALLY meant. And my life hasn't been the same since.

And that ends Part 1 of my so called "first time." Unfortunately, this is the nice part of the story. Part 2 is going to be harder for me to tell.

CJ