It's funny - I really wasn't expecting anyone to comment about what I said on Saturday. But you guys still had some interesting things to say.
The reason why massage therapists require licenses is the same reason why plumbers need licenses. You wouldn't want any idiot with a wrench to call himself a plumber would you? As for us masseuses, we don't want anyone who thinks they know how to give a back rub to advertise therapeutic, pre-natal, or sports massage.
Then there's the erotic massage. If you ask me, I think most girls who do this for a living aren't qualified. Perhaps they need licenses too! I mean, any skank can give a handjob (up, down, repeat as needed), but what else are you gonna do for the other 30 minutes?
And that's why erotic massage is such a weird thing for the authorities to be concerned with. The actual happy ending portion is only 10% of the session - the rest is massage (or it normally is anyways.). Now in a brothel, you could spend your entire 30 minutes fucking and sucking. That's 100% of the session dedicated to an "illegal" activity. Compare that to us - why that's 10 times more illegal than we are!!!!
So it's a damn shame when I hear that one of you guys found a provider on the internet or wherever, and then the session went really bad. I mean - it gives the rest of us a bad name.
Case in point... I have a friend (we'll call him "Bill") who found a local provider on the internet and went to her place for an erotic massage. He ends up in this really dirty, skanky apartment - the kind where you actually worry about finding a clean spot to leave your clothes.
Anyway, he meets this woman and she spends the beginning of the session texting on her cell phone, and smoking like a chimney. "Bill" is expecting a sensual massage with happy ending... maybe negotiate a little something "extra" towards the end. Now before he can ask for any options, she puts out the cigarette and immediately wraps her mouth around his cock!!!!
Needless to say, the session ended quite quickly. So much for the massage. So much for the anticipation. So much for the happy ending.
And that's why I think we should start licensing erotic massage therapists, instead of driving them out of business. It's for the consumers protection.
CJ
Consumer Advocate
Showing posts with label Licensed Massage Therapist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Licensed Massage Therapist. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
To The Guy Looking For A "High Quality" Massage With Happy Ending...
Don't worry...
Several states in the northeast are trying to implement some new laws forbidding anyone without an LMT license to advertise "massage" services. PA plans to start cracking down on massage parlors next year by fining businesses and individuals without licenses, or with less than 5 years of "documented" experience. Other states are even shooting for jail time!!!
So if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a Business like ours that still employs LMTs to do the dirty work. The bad news is that it'll shut down a lot of the smaller places, and the ones that are full service.
The problem of course is that it'll be tough to implement. A lot of Businesses pay girls under the table so there's no proof that you've hired anyone without a license. And the Asian places have the ability to shut down in 1 day and open the next since a lot of them work out of rented houses instead of actual office space.
Then there's the internet and Craigslist. People will still be advertising their non-licensed services and it'll be almost impossible to track those people down. So in the end, it really is just a big waste of the cops time.
So just hang in there! Pretty soon all the amateurs will have to resort to "back alley" massages! LOL
CJ
Several states in the northeast are trying to implement some new laws forbidding anyone without an LMT license to advertise "massage" services. PA plans to start cracking down on massage parlors next year by fining businesses and individuals without licenses, or with less than 5 years of "documented" experience. Other states are even shooting for jail time!!!
So if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a Business like ours that still employs LMTs to do the dirty work. The bad news is that it'll shut down a lot of the smaller places, and the ones that are full service.
The problem of course is that it'll be tough to implement. A lot of Businesses pay girls under the table so there's no proof that you've hired anyone without a license. And the Asian places have the ability to shut down in 1 day and open the next since a lot of them work out of rented houses instead of actual office space.
Then there's the internet and Craigslist. People will still be advertising their non-licensed services and it'll be almost impossible to track those people down. So in the end, it really is just a big waste of the cops time.
So just hang in there! Pretty soon all the amateurs will have to resort to "back alley" massages! LOL
CJ
Monday, December 22, 2008
Confessions of a Licensed Massage Therapist
I've been getting a lot of questions and comments recently from newbies who have been thinking of getting their first erotic massage. Now there were a few guys who asked me about how to request the "Happy ending" when it suddenly dawned on me... they weren't talking about massage parlors - they were talking about licensed massage therapists (LMTs) in regular day spas!!!! Let me make this point clear:
NOT ALL MASSEUSES GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS.
This is an important tip and I think some of my friends out there may have missed it. So let me say this again so it sinks in:
NOT ALL MASSEUSES GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS.
Perhaps I didn't make myself perfectly clear when I started telling you guys all these massage parlor secrets. Most massage providers are legitimate businesses that provide therapeutic massage by LMTs. What I do for a living is called "Erotic Massage" and most places do not provide that. Erotic Massage is sort of the red-headed, bastard, stepchild of the massage industry.
So I'm going to take this moment to explain to you guys out there the basics of therapeutic massage so no one makes that horrible mistake. So put your pants back on and pay attention, OK?
For purposes of this lesson, I will refer to therapeutic massage providers as "day spas" and erotic massage providers as "massage parlors." In an earlier post I described how to tell the difference between a massage parlor and a day spa - so just flip that info around. Now you're looking for businesses that use LMTs. I am also a LMT, but I am one of the few around here that do erotic massage. Some parlors like to keep one around to help look legitimate.
Massage Types
When you go for your first therapeutic massage, it may go under a number of names including:
Sports
Shiatsu
Swedish
Reiki
Deep Tissue
Relaxing
Each one has it's own special techniques. If anyone tells you they're all the same, then they're full of shit. I'll go over them quickly so you know what to expect from each. For example, "sports" massage is the hardest form (and by hard I mean pressure, and nothing else you perv). It involves employing a lot of pressure using the hands, fingers, palms, and in some cases elbows and forearms. It also requires a lot of knowledge about anatomy since the LMT has to know how to deal specifically with sports injuries. I hate to break your bubbles guys, but personally I think men do this one better since it requires intense pressure with the hands.
"Shiatsu" is the second hardest form. Basically it's intense pressure applied with the fingers, palms and thumbs, with emphasis on certain pressure points on the body (See? I actually remember quite a bit of my LMT training).
"Swedish" is what most people associate with therapeutic massage. It's more of a gentle style with lots of caressing and rubbing (no - not the naughty kind).
"Reiki" I don't know much about. It's supposed to be about manipulating the energy fields of the body. I remember having this one reiki session during my training with this really greasy looking hippy chick. She would rub my back with giant circular motions - like she was cleaning a giant dinner plate. Then she'd shake off her hands as if rinsing all the food crumbs off. She said it was to remove all the negative energies. Personally I think it's a load of crap.
Now "deep tissue" and "relaxing" aren't massage types, they are styles. Deep tissue uses the hard techniques of sports and shiatsu, while relaxing uses the softer caressing techniques of swedish. I will tell you right now that 90% of the LMT's out there give only a relaxing massage with a little deep tissue thrown in. This is because most customers don't know the difference and/or don't care. So when you make your appointment, don't expect the harder forms of shiatsu or sports unless you actually request it.
My personal style is mostly relaxing with deep tissue thrown in if the customer needs it. I'll even do sports by request (I get this mostly from truckers who've actually strained something while working). But when I'm feeling lazy, in a hurry, or I just find you annoying - you'll get a relaxing only.
Massage Etiquette
OK, now you know what to ask for before you start, so let's go over what to expect in the room. The first thing your masseuse is gonna do is ask you to get "comfortable." This means to either get naked or strip down to underwear and then slip underneath the sheet (or towel). Personally, I prefer that you keep the underwear on for a therapeutic, but if you're getting a full body massage that includes the glutes, then you want them off. For you shy types out there - don't worry. If you go commando, the masseuse will ALWAYS keep you discretely covered. In fact, some masseuses will always keep you under a sheet and only uncover the parts of the body as they're worked.
Massages always start with you on your stomach. A basic massage will include the neck, shoulders, upper and lower back, thighs and calves. A full-body massage will also include the upper arms and feet (I won't do feet no matter how much you pay me).
When the back is finished, the masseuse will then ask you to flip over. This is a perfectly normal part of the massage and is not an indication that you are about to get jerked off. Let me repeat this for those of you who are slow learners... Being asked to flip over is NOT the same as offering a happy ending! I had one guy tell me that he once got up and left in the middle of a massage because he knew he was in one of “those” places when the masseuse asked him to flip over. She was going to massage your chest – dumbass. Anyway, the basic massage includes the pecs and the front of the thighs. Full-body will add the lower arms, hands, torso, lower legs and in some cases the head and face.
If I'm doing a 30 minute session, I usually go straight to happy ending after the flip since there's rarely enough time to do the chest and legs justice. In longer sessions, I do the front of the shoulders, chest and front of the thighs. If I'm doing a therapeutic, then they get the whole enchilada.
Speaking of enchiladas, I know some of you are wondering at this point, "I can't get my front massaged - I'll get a woody!" To you I say... Do you really think you're the first guy on the planet to sport wood during a normal massage? They actually teach us how to deal with this in massage school. We just throw an extra towel over you to hide it. That's it. End of crisis.
Now just because you didn't get a happy ending doesn't mean you shouldn't tip. I suggest $20 because the house usually pockets most of the money (unless it's a private practice). When I was still working the day spa, I was totally desperate for tips to supplement my salary since I got paid shit.
How To Ask A Masseuse For A Handjob
For those of you who are still puzzling over the age-old question "How do I ask a masseuse for a happy ending?" - there is a simple answer.
The answer is "Never." You NEVER ask a masseuse for a happy ending for two reasons. First, if you're in a massage parlor it is understood that you're getting one (did you really think she took her top off for therapeutic reasons?). Second, if you're in a day spa, then you just committed what's known in legal circles as "solicitation." Look - I know that some of you guys play golf with a guy who had a college roommate that once talked a masseuse into a happy ending. But let me tell ya, you have as much chance of getting a handjob in a day spa as you have getting a handjob in a supermarket. Go back to reading your Penthouse Letters guys.
Now I'm hoping that lots of you guys get gift certificates for massages this Christmas. Then you can practice what I've taught you and report back. And please... don't embarass yourself by asking poor hard working girls for happy endings when they're barely earning more than minimum wage to massage your sorry butts!
CJ
NOT ALL MASSEUSES GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS.
This is an important tip and I think some of my friends out there may have missed it. So let me say this again so it sinks in:
NOT ALL MASSEUSES GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS.
Perhaps I didn't make myself perfectly clear when I started telling you guys all these massage parlor secrets. Most massage providers are legitimate businesses that provide therapeutic massage by LMTs. What I do for a living is called "Erotic Massage" and most places do not provide that. Erotic Massage is sort of the red-headed, bastard, stepchild of the massage industry.
So I'm going to take this moment to explain to you guys out there the basics of therapeutic massage so no one makes that horrible mistake. So put your pants back on and pay attention, OK?
For purposes of this lesson, I will refer to therapeutic massage providers as "day spas" and erotic massage providers as "massage parlors." In an earlier post I described how to tell the difference between a massage parlor and a day spa - so just flip that info around. Now you're looking for businesses that use LMTs. I am also a LMT, but I am one of the few around here that do erotic massage. Some parlors like to keep one around to help look legitimate.
Massage Types
When you go for your first therapeutic massage, it may go under a number of names including:
Sports
Shiatsu
Swedish
Reiki
Deep Tissue
Relaxing
Each one has it's own special techniques. If anyone tells you they're all the same, then they're full of shit. I'll go over them quickly so you know what to expect from each. For example, "sports" massage is the hardest form (and by hard I mean pressure, and nothing else you perv). It involves employing a lot of pressure using the hands, fingers, palms, and in some cases elbows and forearms. It also requires a lot of knowledge about anatomy since the LMT has to know how to deal specifically with sports injuries. I hate to break your bubbles guys, but personally I think men do this one better since it requires intense pressure with the hands.
"Shiatsu" is the second hardest form. Basically it's intense pressure applied with the fingers, palms and thumbs, with emphasis on certain pressure points on the body (See? I actually remember quite a bit of my LMT training).
"Swedish" is what most people associate with therapeutic massage. It's more of a gentle style with lots of caressing and rubbing (no - not the naughty kind).
"Reiki" I don't know much about. It's supposed to be about manipulating the energy fields of the body. I remember having this one reiki session during my training with this really greasy looking hippy chick. She would rub my back with giant circular motions - like she was cleaning a giant dinner plate. Then she'd shake off her hands as if rinsing all the food crumbs off. She said it was to remove all the negative energies. Personally I think it's a load of crap.
Now "deep tissue" and "relaxing" aren't massage types, they are styles. Deep tissue uses the hard techniques of sports and shiatsu, while relaxing uses the softer caressing techniques of swedish. I will tell you right now that 90% of the LMT's out there give only a relaxing massage with a little deep tissue thrown in. This is because most customers don't know the difference and/or don't care. So when you make your appointment, don't expect the harder forms of shiatsu or sports unless you actually request it.
My personal style is mostly relaxing with deep tissue thrown in if the customer needs it. I'll even do sports by request (I get this mostly from truckers who've actually strained something while working). But when I'm feeling lazy, in a hurry, or I just find you annoying - you'll get a relaxing only.
Massage Etiquette
OK, now you know what to ask for before you start, so let's go over what to expect in the room. The first thing your masseuse is gonna do is ask you to get "comfortable." This means to either get naked or strip down to underwear and then slip underneath the sheet (or towel). Personally, I prefer that you keep the underwear on for a therapeutic, but if you're getting a full body massage that includes the glutes, then you want them off. For you shy types out there - don't worry. If you go commando, the masseuse will ALWAYS keep you discretely covered. In fact, some masseuses will always keep you under a sheet and only uncover the parts of the body as they're worked.
Massages always start with you on your stomach. A basic massage will include the neck, shoulders, upper and lower back, thighs and calves. A full-body massage will also include the upper arms and feet (I won't do feet no matter how much you pay me).
When the back is finished, the masseuse will then ask you to flip over. This is a perfectly normal part of the massage and is not an indication that you are about to get jerked off. Let me repeat this for those of you who are slow learners... Being asked to flip over is NOT the same as offering a happy ending! I had one guy tell me that he once got up and left in the middle of a massage because he knew he was in one of “those” places when the masseuse asked him to flip over. She was going to massage your chest – dumbass. Anyway, the basic massage includes the pecs and the front of the thighs. Full-body will add the lower arms, hands, torso, lower legs and in some cases the head and face.
If I'm doing a 30 minute session, I usually go straight to happy ending after the flip since there's rarely enough time to do the chest and legs justice. In longer sessions, I do the front of the shoulders, chest and front of the thighs. If I'm doing a therapeutic, then they get the whole enchilada.
Speaking of enchiladas, I know some of you are wondering at this point, "I can't get my front massaged - I'll get a woody!" To you I say... Do you really think you're the first guy on the planet to sport wood during a normal massage? They actually teach us how to deal with this in massage school. We just throw an extra towel over you to hide it. That's it. End of crisis.
Now just because you didn't get a happy ending doesn't mean you shouldn't tip. I suggest $20 because the house usually pockets most of the money (unless it's a private practice). When I was still working the day spa, I was totally desperate for tips to supplement my salary since I got paid shit.
How To Ask A Masseuse For A Handjob
For those of you who are still puzzling over the age-old question "How do I ask a masseuse for a happy ending?" - there is a simple answer.
The answer is "Never." You NEVER ask a masseuse for a happy ending for two reasons. First, if you're in a massage parlor it is understood that you're getting one (did you really think she took her top off for therapeutic reasons?). Second, if you're in a day spa, then you just committed what's known in legal circles as "solicitation." Look - I know that some of you guys play golf with a guy who had a college roommate that once talked a masseuse into a happy ending. But let me tell ya, you have as much chance of getting a handjob in a day spa as you have getting a handjob in a supermarket. Go back to reading your Penthouse Letters guys.
Now I'm hoping that lots of you guys get gift certificates for massages this Christmas. Then you can practice what I've taught you and report back. And please... don't embarass yourself by asking poor hard working girls for happy endings when they're barely earning more than minimum wage to massage your sorry butts!
CJ
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Confessions of an Erotic Legal Assistant
One of you guys commented the other day about why we're not harrased by the authorities more often. This got me thinking (which is something I'm just sooooo not good at), so let me explain what I know. We're what’s known as a “nuisance” business. Basically, we’re in the same class as adult bookstores and tattoo parlors. From what I can figure, we’re called a “nuisance” because nobody really wants us around. But guess what? We pay our taxes and our rent in what would otherwise be abandoned office space. And THAT is precisely why the town doesn’t hassle us.
Sure – the locals would probably love to see a Starbucks here, or perhaps a boutique specializing in ceramic cats dressed as celebrities. But the fact of the matter is that places like us take up the retail space that no one else wants. Starbucks isn’t exactly itching for that spot at the end of the corridor behind the bail bondsman.
Please notice that we are NOT in the same category as strip clubs. Believe it or not, a “nuisance” business is actually a step up from a strip club. I’ve learned that towns HATE strip clubs. I don’t know about other states, but here in PA, strip clubs aren’t allowed to sell alcohol, but you’re allowed to BYOB. This means that the town has to deal with all the problems associated with a sleazy bar, but with none of the tax revenues.
How do I know all this stuff? A couple years ago, the state of PA wanted to crack down on massage parlors. This is when I learned all this legal stuff about the Business. I did my homework by reading through all the statutes on “Massage Practices.” I discovered that the state was going to go after us by targeting unlicensed masseuses. Our Business was safe since we had 3 licenses between us. The idea was that a town could audit your Business, and if there were no LMT’s (Licensed Massage Therapists) on staff, then out you go.
Full service places try to have 1 or 2 LMTs on staff, just to keep the locals off their backs. But once a place becomes more brothel than massage parlor, they have more things to worry about than a town clerk counting LMT diplomas.
We don’t worry about the town hassling us since we’re not a full-service operation. If a customer comes in and asks for sex – we refer him to the Other Place across town. I know that Audrey is doing some full-service stuff, but it’s with her Regulars.
What worries me now is that Trina has begun offering “extras” to some of her Regulars since she’s been desperate for cash lately. At least I HOPE they’re Regulars! All it takes is 1 badly phrased attempt to offer something a little “extra” to some new customer we can’t trust, and we’ll have guys in suits knocking on our door!
But let me tell ya - if business doesn't pick up here pretty soon, I'll be offering "extras" to pay my cable bill. Hmmmmmmm... Let a customer finger me, or lose my "Entourage?" Don't make me choose!
CJ
Sure – the locals would probably love to see a Starbucks here, or perhaps a boutique specializing in ceramic cats dressed as celebrities. But the fact of the matter is that places like us take up the retail space that no one else wants. Starbucks isn’t exactly itching for that spot at the end of the corridor behind the bail bondsman.
Please notice that we are NOT in the same category as strip clubs. Believe it or not, a “nuisance” business is actually a step up from a strip club. I’ve learned that towns HATE strip clubs. I don’t know about other states, but here in PA, strip clubs aren’t allowed to sell alcohol, but you’re allowed to BYOB. This means that the town has to deal with all the problems associated with a sleazy bar, but with none of the tax revenues.
How do I know all this stuff? A couple years ago, the state of PA wanted to crack down on massage parlors. This is when I learned all this legal stuff about the Business. I did my homework by reading through all the statutes on “Massage Practices.” I discovered that the state was going to go after us by targeting unlicensed masseuses. Our Business was safe since we had 3 licenses between us. The idea was that a town could audit your Business, and if there were no LMT’s (Licensed Massage Therapists) on staff, then out you go.
Full service places try to have 1 or 2 LMTs on staff, just to keep the locals off their backs. But once a place becomes more brothel than massage parlor, they have more things to worry about than a town clerk counting LMT diplomas.
We don’t worry about the town hassling us since we’re not a full-service operation. If a customer comes in and asks for sex – we refer him to the Other Place across town. I know that Audrey is doing some full-service stuff, but it’s with her Regulars.
What worries me now is that Trina has begun offering “extras” to some of her Regulars since she’s been desperate for cash lately. At least I HOPE they’re Regulars! All it takes is 1 badly phrased attempt to offer something a little “extra” to some new customer we can’t trust, and we’ll have guys in suits knocking on our door!
But let me tell ya - if business doesn't pick up here pretty soon, I'll be offering "extras" to pay my cable bill. Hmmmmmmm... Let a customer finger me, or lose my "Entourage?" Don't make me choose!
CJ
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