Confessions of a Licensed Massage Therapist

I've been getting a lot of questions and comments recently from newbies who have been thinking of getting their first erotic massage. Now there were a few guys who asked me about how to request the "Happy ending" when it suddenly dawned on me... they weren't talking about massage parlors - they were talking about licensed massage therapists (LMTs) in regular day spas!!!! Let me make this point clear:

NOT ALL MASSEUSES GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS.

This is an important tip and I think some of my friends out there may have missed it. So let me say this again so it sinks in:

NOT ALL MASSEUSES GIVE HAPPY ENDINGS.

Perhaps I didn't make myself perfectly clear when I started telling you guys all these massage parlor secrets. Most massage providers are legitimate businesses that provide therapeutic massage by LMTs. What I do for a living is called "Erotic Massage" and most places do not provide that. Erotic Massage is sort of the red-headed, bastard, stepchild of the massage industry.

So I'm going to take this moment to explain to you guys out there the basics of therapeutic massage so no one makes that horrible mistake. So put your pants back on and pay attention, OK?

For purposes of this lesson, I will refer to therapeutic massage providers as "day spas" and erotic massage providers as "massage parlors." In an earlier post I described how to tell the difference between a massage parlor and a day spa - so just flip that info around. Now you're looking for businesses that use LMTs. I am also a LMT, but I am one of the few around here that do erotic massage. Some parlors like to keep one around to help look legitimate.

Massage Types
When you go for your first therapeutic massage, it may go under a number of names including:

Sports
Shiatsu
Swedish
Reiki
Deep Tissue
Relaxing

Each one has it's own special techniques. If anyone tells you they're all the same, then they're full of shit. I'll go over them quickly so you know what to expect from each. For example, "sports" massage is the hardest form (and by hard I mean pressure, and nothing else you perv). It involves employing a lot of pressure using the hands, fingers, palms, and in some cases elbows and forearms. It also requires a lot of knowledge about anatomy since the LMT has to know how to deal specifically with sports injuries. I hate to break your bubbles guys, but personally I think men do this one better since it requires intense pressure with the hands.

"Shiatsu" is the second hardest form. Basically it's intense pressure applied with the fingers, palms and thumbs, with emphasis on certain pressure points on the body (See? I actually remember quite a bit of my LMT training).

"Swedish" is what most people associate with therapeutic massage. It's more of a gentle style with lots of caressing and rubbing (no - not the naughty kind).

"Reiki" I don't know much about. It's supposed to be about manipulating the energy fields of the body. I remember having this one reiki session during my training with this really greasy looking hippy chick. She would rub my back with giant circular motions - like she was cleaning a giant dinner plate. Then she'd shake off her hands as if rinsing all the food crumbs off. She said it was to remove all the negative energies. Personally I think it's a load of crap.

Now "deep tissue" and "relaxing" aren't massage types, they are styles. Deep tissue uses the hard techniques of sports and shiatsu, while relaxing uses the softer caressing techniques of swedish. I will tell you right now that 90% of the LMT's out there give only a relaxing massage with a little deep tissue thrown in. This is because most customers don't know the difference and/or don't care. So when you make your appointment, don't expect the harder forms of shiatsu or sports unless you actually request it.

My personal style is mostly relaxing with deep tissue thrown in if the customer needs it. I'll even do sports by request (I get this mostly from truckers who've actually strained something while working). But when I'm feeling lazy, in a hurry, or I just find you annoying - you'll get a relaxing only.

Massage Etiquette
OK, now you know what to ask for before you start, so let's go over what to expect in the room. The first thing your masseuse is gonna do is ask you to get "comfortable." This means to either get naked or strip down to underwear and then slip underneath the sheet (or towel). Personally, I prefer that you keep the underwear on for a therapeutic, but if you're getting a full body massage that includes the glutes, then you want them off. For you shy types out there - don't worry. If you go commando, the masseuse will ALWAYS keep you discretely covered. In fact, some masseuses will always keep you under a sheet and only uncover the parts of the body as they're worked.

Massages always start with you on your stomach. A basic massage will include the neck, shoulders, upper and lower back, thighs and calves. A full-body massage will also include the upper arms and feet (I won't do feet no matter how much you pay me).

When the back is finished, the masseuse will then ask you to flip over. This is a perfectly normal part of the massage and is not an indication that you are about to get jerked off. Let me repeat this for those of you who are slow learners... Being asked to flip over is NOT the same as offering a happy ending! I had one guy tell me that he once got up and left in the middle of a massage because he knew he was in one of “those” places when the masseuse asked him to flip over. She was going to massage your chest – dumbass. Anyway, the basic massage includes the pecs and the front of the thighs. Full-body will add the lower arms, hands, torso, lower legs and in some cases the head and face.

If I'm doing a 30 minute session, I usually go straight to happy ending after the flip since there's rarely enough time to do the chest and legs justice. In longer sessions, I do the front of the shoulders, chest and front of the thighs. If I'm doing a therapeutic, then they get the whole enchilada.

Speaking of enchiladas, I know some of you are wondering at this point, "I can't get my front massaged - I'll get a woody!" To you I say... Do you really think you're the first guy on the planet to sport wood during a normal massage? They actually teach us how to deal with this in massage school. We just throw an extra towel over you to hide it. That's it. End of crisis.

Now just because you didn't get a happy ending doesn't mean you shouldn't tip. I suggest $20 because the house usually pockets most of the money (unless it's a private practice). When I was still working the day spa, I was totally desperate for tips to supplement my salary since I got paid shit.

How To Ask A Masseuse For A Handjob
For those of you who are still puzzling over the age-old question "How do I ask a masseuse for a happy ending?" - there is a simple answer.

The answer is "Never." You NEVER ask a masseuse for a happy ending for two reasons. First, if you're in a massage parlor it is understood that you're getting one (did you really think she took her top off for therapeutic reasons?). Second, if you're in a day spa, then you just committed what's known in legal circles as "solicitation." Look - I know that some of you guys play golf with a guy who had a college roommate that once talked a masseuse into a happy ending. But let me tell ya, you have as much chance of getting a handjob in a day spa as you have getting a handjob in a supermarket. Go back to reading your Penthouse Letters guys.

Now I'm hoping that lots of you guys get gift certificates for massages this Christmas. Then you can practice what I've taught you and report back. And please... don't embarass yourself by asking poor hard working girls for happy endings when they're barely earning more than minimum wage to massage your sorry butts!

CJ

How to Find a Massage Parlor…

One of you guys asked me how to find an Erotic Massage Parlor. Well, the easiest way to start is to pick up the Yellow Pages. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Hummmmmmm…hummmmmm…hummmmmmmm… Ok? Got it? Now open it up to the “M’s and look for “Massage” (If you get to “Massage Therapists” – go back... you went too far). Wasn’t that easy? Go look at the listings. Anything that has the words Parlor, Sauna, or Acupressure in the title – BINGO - it’s a massage parlor! Also, if a listing sounds vaguely asian, exotic, or risqué, it’s probably a massage parlor. For example: Oriental Star, Maximus, or Pleasureland are all probably massage parlors.

By the same token, any ad with the words: LMT, Therapeutic, or Hair and Nails, is NOT NOT NOT a massage parlor!!!! Having begun my career in a legitimate salon, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys make this embarrassing mistake.

Other key words to look for in the ads are: Table Shower, Body Shampoo, and Stress Relief. Also look at the hours – Massage Parlors will usually have weird, late hours.

Before I proceed, let me make a disclaimer here… I am NOT advocating any illegal activity on your part. I am just providing some general information that you can use at your own risk. I take no responsibility for whatever you guys get into.

Now that THAT’S out of the way… you probably want to know how to identify a place that’s full service or happy ending only. This one is tougher, but I’ll try to share with you what I know. Any ads that say: Now Hiring, Incall, or Outcall are probably Full Service. Please don’t ask why “Now Hiring” is a code word cuz I don’t know! Now with that said, I can’t tell you any code words to identify a Hand Job Only place. You can try the internet for some chat rooms or something to see if anyone knows anything about your local places. In general, the more legitimate a place appears to be, the more likely it’s HJ only. Or they can be a mix. For example, I’ve worked at places where I was the “Go To Girl” for HJ’s and Therapeutic massages (or suspected Narcs). Since I have my license, I would be the 1 girl they could trot out when things had to appear legit. Know what I mean?

Well guys, this should be more than enough info to get you through the door – the rest is up to you. And remember – we work for tips, so please be generous. If you come in with a good attitude and know what to expect, we’ll both have a good time. Relax! It’s all about having fun!

See ya this weekend!

CJ