Freak of the Week - No Means No

I know what you're thinking - how can I have a FOTW when I'm not even working in The Business anymore? Well, that's an interesting story and I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it.

Almost. Lucky for you.

You see, In the last couple of weeks, I've discovered that little old blue-haired ladies don't tip nearly as well as little old horny gentlemen. I guess "discovered" is a bad word since I really knew it was going to happen. I'm not going to fault little old ladies either since they need therapeutic massage too.

But what I really need right now is one good breast release to help me make my car payment. And the one I wasted last night on Derek didn't pay for shit (well, dinner maybe). Now the combination of a well fucked boyfriend and little old ladies with knots in their backs may make for a slightly more satisfying professional life, but they make for a crappy financial life. So here's the bit that I dreaded confessing to you guys.

I've kinda sorta been doing outcall. Now for you newbies out there, "outcall" massage is when you go visit a customer instead of them coming to me at The Business. Before I continue let me state quite plainly that I am NOT doing full service. It's pretty much been what I was doing at work - massage followed by a happy ending.

You see, what happened is that right after I walked out of The Business, I pretty much stopped answering my phone. Then after a week or so, I started picking up and letting my worried Regulars know that I'm still alive and that I've decided to change my situation. I had mostly well-wishers at first with the occasional offer to "...call me if there's anything I can do..."

Then the offers started to come in. "Hey, could you come over to my place for a session for old times sake? My wife is outta town and..." You see where I'm going with this, right?

Well, I've seen 5 of my old Regulars so far, and it's been pretty cool. I've met them at their places, or the occasional Super 8. And I have to admit that it's actually been kinda refreshing not having to watch a clock, or worry about answering the phone. These outcall sessions have been pretty good so far.

Then there's Harold.

Harold is in his 50's and divorced. Professional guy and one of my more reliable Regulars. I could always count on seeing him once a month, and it was always the same thing - 1 hour G-string with a standard happy ending. No options. No role play. No outfits. No spanking. No foot worship. No cumplay. Nothing.

Now that I'm "independent" and decided to offer outcall to some of my more trusted Regulars, I was expecting sooner or later to have someone ask about full service. It always happens once you're outside the doors of The Business. You're 2 consenting adults in the privacy of a room with no one else's rules to abide by. It happens and I really don't blame guys for asking "... what else do you do?"

Well, Harold was the first to ask. And boy did he ask. It was almost like he flicked on his "Inner Freak" switch when he heard I was willing to see him at his place.

So I showed up at his house with my Bag-o-Tricks:

Massage oil

G-strings

Clean sheet (you'd be surpised how few guys keep clean linen lying around)

Baby oil

Baby powder (a popular option)

Extra bra and shirt (in case of cumstains)

Relaxation CD

Hand sanitizer

Breath mints

I had never been over to his place before. It was a typical bachelor pad. As I expected, I needed my clean sheet to cover his bed since his sheets looked like they were ready to crawl away on their own power. I did a quick scan of the room to make sure there were no hidden "nanny cams" to capture the fun. That's one of the reasons why I've never liked outcall - I don't get to control my environment like I could at The Business.

Harold gets undressed and I can see that he has already "risen" to the occasion.

"Uhhhh... Harold...Did you just pop a bottle of Viagra or did you just miss me?"

With a sort of pride in his voice he asks "Do you like it? I figured I might need it to last me for the next hour. So I took a pill."

I think I shuddered at the thought of giving this man a 1 hour handjob. There was obviously some sort of miscommunication on his part so I tested the waters with "Don't you think you're gonna be a bit uncomfortable with that dangerous weapon while you're lying on your stomach?"

"St-stomach" he stuttered. "I was hoping we could skip all that and get right to the point." Now his voice kinda slowed down as if he saw some brake lights way up the road and suspected there was some traffic hazard up ahead. "You do know what I mean, right?"

"Harold," I said firmly, "What were you expecting today? You know I'm not full service."

Guys and girls - you should have seen the look on this man's face. You would have thought I just told him Santa Claus isn't real. Or the Tooth Fairy. And I shot and killed the Easter Bunny.

Crushed is a good word to use here. Devestated another. Disappointed just doesn't seem to do the job. It was so bad, that for a second (a VERY BRIEF SECOND) I was taken back to my younger, more reckless days, and the long-ignored, rarely-used, totally-neglected notion of "Pity Fuck" just sort of lifted it's ugly head and tried to dust itself off and make itself presentable.

Unluckily for Harold, my rational thought kicked in and told that notion to "sit the fuck down." This isn't high school and that isn't my senior prom date who to this day I still can't figure out why I agreed to go with him when I had soooooo many better options.

And this is pretty much all the nonsense that danced through my head at this moment while I stood in the bedroom of a fully naked man sporting a drug-enhanced hard-on. You see, this kind of nonsense didn't take place in The Business because we had rules and people followed them. A month ago it would never have occurred to me to pity fuck a customer because he's giving me puppy dog eyes. But now that I'm in the middle of something that looks more like a date gone bad, I find myself doing and thinking things that are just crazy.

When a session starts to go in the wrong direction, I stop everything, collect my wits, then take control of the situation. So I took a deep breath and told Harold I'm flattered by the thought, but I have a boyfriend and therefore we need to remain professional. And believe it or not, this seemed to make some sort of sense to him. He nodded in agreement as if this sounded perfectly reasonable. Guys are like that - they need rules, formalities and ritual. You take that away and they're lost.

"Soooooo... what can we do then?" he asked hesitantly.

I smiled at him and pulled off my tank top. And an hour later I made my car payment.

CJ

The BFFs

This story has now taken me over a month to finish. Sorry it's taken so long, but I wanted to make sure I did it justice and didn't leave out any details. When I finally write my book on The Adventures of Aurora Sparks - Erotic Detective, I hope to incorporate it into the plot.

Last week I had one of the weirdest sessions ever. And that's saying alot considering I've had a guy almost die on me, another guy almost kill me, and people who acted out their bizarre role-playing scenarios in front of me.

I have this Regular we'll call Ernie. He's been a customer for years, and one of the steadier ones. He's in his late thirties, and never married. Local guy who works for the town or something. Nothing really weird about him. He usually takes a 45 minute session with the G-string option. And when he's feeling adventurous, he'll ask for the occasional butt release. In other words, a pretty normal client (at this point in my life, my definition of "normal" probably bears very little resemblance to most peoples).

Well during session, Ernie asks me if I've ever had a threesome. In my personal life, perhaps the occasional drunken makeout session with a girlfriend while her boyfriend watched, but nothing more. At work I've done doubles where me and a coworker take care of a customer and pretend to lez out in front of him. And then there's the occasional couple where the wife/girlfriend wants to watch or even finish off her man for me.

But Ernie wanted to know if I've ever done 2 guys. Well it's not like I've never been asked before, but it's just not the kinda thing I've seriously considered. Then the conversation got interesting. Ernie wanted to know if I'd consider having a threesome - in session. My first thought was "This would make an interesting story" so instead of my usual "I'm soooo flattered, but I'm really gonna have to pass" speech (which I reserve for all of my more enthusiastically imaginative customers), I found myself asking "So how exactly would that work?"

Now Ernie knows that I'm not full service, so doing a simultaneous fuck and suck is out of the question. And I only have 2 hands, so I can't massage 2 guys at the same time. So I was really curious about what he had in mind.

Ernie wanted me to jerk off both him and his best friend "Bert" at the same time.

Now you want to know how clueless I am? In my mind I was trying to picture how I'd position both guys on my tiny little table so I'd have a good angle to both their cocks at the same time. I'm thinking chairs and pillows to prop up legs and heads and whatever else would be hanging off the sides when Ernie enlightens me...

"Noooo... I was thinking that we would both be standing up and you'd be on your knees in front of us." Wow - that never occurred to me. He said there would be no massage, just him and his buddy getting jerked off at the same time.

I had a hundred questions swirling around my brain, but the best way to summarize all of them was "Why?" Turns out this type of happy ending is quite common in porn movies. Ernie always fantasized about this type of scenario and even went so far as to talk to his BFF Bert about it.

So let me tell you about Bert. He's also a Regular at The Business, but he's one of Trina's customers. He's older, probably late 40's. Married with kids. Stops by to see Trina once a month or so. Nice guy - got that salt and pepper thing going - kinda like a pudgy Anderson Cooper. I've never had a session with him before, but Trina says he's a good client. Apparently Bert and Ernie have known each other for a while, and it was Bert who originally turned Ernie onto The Business.

Ernie and I talked about how this could possibly work. I have to admit, I was a little intimidated about having 2 guys in the room, but professionally curious about whether I could finish 2 guys off at the same time (do I take my job seriously or what?). When I felt comfortable enough with the details of exactly how this would go down, I agreed. The session would basically be a little foreplay and then a double happy ending. No massage.

This is the kind of weird shit I don't want questions about, so I told him to bring Bert and meet me at work at the end of Thursday's night shift. I would be working by myself and Maude would be long gone. They got there on time and I locked the door and put up the "Closed" sign. Ernie and Bert hung out in the front lobby making small talk with each other while I started to turn lights off and close the drapes. I noticed how easy they seemed to be around each other.

I told them to go in my room and make themselves comfortable. Now that usually means "take off your clothes and lie on the table," but in this case, no one was getting on the table. Now 2 men giving it to 1 woman may be one of the biggest male fantasies, but when you think about it you're really just 1 woman away from a gay porn movie. So I wasn't surprised when I came in the room 5 minutes later to find 2 completely dressed men standing at opposite ends of the room.

This was supposed to be their idea, but I quickly realized it was up to me to set the mood (in this case "mood" being 2 guys getting naked and jerking it in front of each other [hey - this is their fantasy, not mine!]). I looked at each of them and said "You guys ready for this?" They both nodded and mumbled in agreement. Jeeeez - come on guys! I decided to turn on the radio and found some dance music.

I'm not a fantastic dancer by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not bad either. I may not know any stripper moves, but I do know how to shake my ass. So that's what I did. Shit - somebody had to break the ice here! To the beat of the music I unzipped my hoodie, stuck The Girls out and began to shake them. "Let's lose those shirts guys!"

That seemed to do the trick. They both laughed nervously, then finally began to get comfortable. Now if there's one thing I do know about the art of the happy ending, it's getting the man aroused as much as possible before you actually begin. And with 2 guys, I was looking at twice the effort.

With their shirts off I did a slow striptease to join them. There's no real sexy way to remove a sweatshirt, so I just pulled it off unceremoniously. But I made up for it by slowly unhooking my bra and letting it fall to the floor. I stared at them expectantly, but they still stood there with just their shirts off. "Ya know guys, it's gonna be hard for you to cum with those pants on." I was starting to think that Ernie and Bert were getting cold feet about this. Or perhaps they were just nervous about getting naked in front of each other. Either way, I had a job to do.

"Let's get this party started." And with that I dropped my pants. And that's when I realized that to perform a G-string option, I needed to be actually wearing a G-string (at work I usually just go commando since I get so many nude options). I apologized to the guys while I knelt on the floor naked and fumbled through my pants pocket for my emergency pair. I think this whole fantasy threesome of theirs wasn't exactly going as planned.

I found a G-string and slipped it on. In the meanwhile, my 2 fantasy men were still just standing there on opposite sides of the room. Well, their cocks weren't exactly going to jerk themselves off, so I decided to take matters into their own hands. "All right guys, time to get naked" I ordered. Ernie and Bert seemed to appreciate someone finally taking charge, so they complied. Then I went over to the bottle warmer and grabbed the baby oil. "Hey Ernie, put out your hand." I gave him a good squirt and ordered Ernie to get himself hard. Then I walked over to Bert and did the same thing.

Now before some of you start thinking that I was skimping on my threesome duties, let me point out that my job is get them off at the same time, not get them hard.

So picture 2 grown men facing each other in a tiny dark room, with a naked (and quite beautiful) young woman in between them - whacking off. Now things were starting to pick up. Both the guys were finally sporting good hard-ons and getting into it. Bert asked "Could you squeeze your tits for me?" Teasing is what I excel at, so I started to slowly rub my hands over my breasts.

I turned to Bert and cupped my breasts in each hand. I asked, "So is this what you guys had in mind?" His breath quickened and for a second there I thought he might lose it before I got a chance to practice my art. Hey - it wouldn't be the first time. But it did give me some ideas.

I turned to Ernie now. I lifted up my left breast and gave it a gentle little kiss. "Well? How's this for a threesome?" He nodded vigorously so I guess I was doing my part. But there was still something not quite right. Hmmmmmmmm... Could it be the fact that the bread in our CJ sandwich was still the width of the room? "Are you planning on covering me with that hot cum of yours, or just staining my carpet? Get your asses over here."

I don't usually talk like that in the bedroom, but in my session room the porn talk goes a long way in getting guys aroused. And since I was genuinely nervous about working 2 dicks at the same time, I didn't want to pull any stops. I figured teasing 2 guys is not much different than teasing 1, so I went with it.

I turned back to Bert and told him to stop being a stranger and get that "beautiful, fat cock" over here. Yes, I actually remember saying that. Sounds corny, but damn if it doesn't work. I think it does because most guys never actually get to hear things like that in their real lives.

The guys moved up to within ejaculation range, but they were on exact opposite sides of me. Now if they were planning on showing my shoulders a good time, they were in luck, but personally I thought it was rude to turn my back on one of them in order to give the other a better view of the show, so I backed up a little and asked them to sort of... "move closer together."

I swear that Bert and Ernie exchanged a nervous look. BUT... I didn't know what to make of it. All of a sudden I got this weird feeling, as if E&B were never really interested in this threesome. This left me with 2 possibilities:

1) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted the other guy to disappear, or
2) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted ME to disappear.

Holy shit.

So THAT is what all this macho porno fantasy crap was all about. Well, there was only 1 way to solve this and make everyone happy. And that was to get to the double happy ending. Chances are once I got their dicks in my hands, they wouldn't care if their grandmothers were in the room, let alone another man.

I reached out and took Ernie's matters into my own hand, then Bert's. Both their expressions changed. I was finally in control of the whole situation and I think that's what they needed to finally get into things. I mean, if there's a naked girl with her hand wrapped around your cock, then anything that happens at this point must be OK, right? And if these 2 guys wanted to use me as an excuse to see each other having a good time, then who was I to argue.?

Bert was in my left hand (lucky guy since I jerk left handed) and Ernie was in my right (not so lucky). They were already hard and nicely lubed. And thanks to my amazing skills of seduction, they were almost ready to cum. Have you ever worked 2 dicks at the same time? It's a lot harder than it looks, isn't it? My hats off to all those porn starlets out there who have to do this for a living. It's the timing - it's really tough to do different things with each hand at the same time.

So I was doing the easiest thing, which was working them with the exact same rhythm and stroke - and that was the problem. Each man is different and requires a specific rhythm and technique, and I need to read the guy to get it just right. Working two at the same time and trying to read both of them was rough. I ended up averaging it out and hoping for the best.

I started to work both their shafts in long strokes. On my knees their cocks were more or less at neck level. I took turns looking up into each of their faces. Eye contact is an easy way to heighten arousal and check to see how you're doing. Ernie had this look that was sort of a cross between amazement and disbelief. Couldn't blame him - I was kinda feeling that way too. I blew him a little kiss then turned my attention to Bert. The look on his face was sort of a... hey Bert - my eyes are over here! Stop looking at...

Ernie?

Naked woman on her knees with your cock in her hand TRYING to make you cum and you're looking at your buddy? I didn't quite know how to react. I mean, I'm not exactly used to NOT having a guys undivided attention. But at least now I've figured out what the real story is.

So the question now is how am I going to make everyone happy? And at the same time! I do a quick mental inventory of what I have to work with. Let's see... I have 1 guy who's getting off on me, and another who's getting off on him getting off on me. I think I can make this work.

The key is to get Ernie off first. If he cums, then I figure Bert would be quick to follow. I turn my attention back to Ernie and concentrate on his cock. Too bad for him since he's on my right side and I tend to work left handed.

I make eye contact with him and begin to concentrate on his happy ending. I have a sort of mental checklist whenever I'm about to end a session. You gauge his arousal based on the hardness of his cock, his breathing, his facial expression, etc. Ernie is almost there, so I start stroking a little faster.

Have you ever noticed that when you try to do two things at the same time with your hands that they tend to mirror each other? Well Bert was getting exactly what Ernie was getting, whether he liked it or not.

Ernie's breathing started to quicken and I could feel his dick hardening in my hand. There's this point right before a guy cums where his dick gets super hard - another thing I look for on my checklist. With both hands busy, I couldn't up my game by massaging his balls, or caressing my breasts. So I gave him a serious look and began to slowly lick my lips. That got a loud moan out of him (moaning - check). Now to seal the deal.

I add a little twist to my strokes. This changes the sensation just enough for Ernie to moan again. I slowly point his dick away from my neck and down towards my breast when I feel the first splashes of hot semen... on my left ear.

Holy shit - I had forgotten about Bert. Well, as much as you can forget the other naked man in the room who's penis is in your left hand.

The human body is a funny thing. When it's expecting one thing and gets something else, it doesn't really want to accept the something else and will ignore it as long as possible. That's what happened when Bert came on the left side of my face. I was fully expecting to feel the sensation of hot fluid on my right breast, so when my brain began to report exactly that but from my left ear, I was already half way through my "Oh yes!" when my neck involuntarily turned my head to the left to let it know what the heck was really going on.

My "Oh yes!" was in the process of turning into a "What the fuck?" but ended up sounding like "Oh yea...whaaaaaa...?" when another load of cum hit me square in the nose. Let me tell ya that nothing ruins your concentration more than a shot of hot cum on the nose.

Abruptly, both handjobs came to an end as my brain began to catch up with what was really going on. Let's see... Left ear (check)... nose (check)... hair (oh shit!). I don't believe that Bert actually came unexpectedly. And he got it in my hair! The nose thing doesn't bother me nearly as much since I can just wipe that off. But getting cum out of hair is a pain in the ass. Now I'll have to completely wash my hair at work. And it's going to take forever to dry. And then I'll have to...

"Holy fuck I'm coming!" exclaims Ernie. Apparently my little shock and meltdown didn't slow him one bit. He had taken matters into his own hands and was apparently turned on by the accidental facial. I look over and realize he's not facing me any more - In all the excitement, he had turned and was facing Bert. And that's when the second most surprising cumshot of the evening occurred.

When I say "surprise" it's not because I wasn't expecting it. Oh no. I say "surprise" because Bert wasn't expecting it. At least not expecting to be on the receiving end. With a few good strong pumps of his fist, Ernie had managed to shoot a couple large wads of jizz right past my cumstained nose and onto Bert's cock and legs.

Was it intentional, or during all the excitement did he just turn by accident? Or was it just a case of really bad aim? I don't know. But I thought that the absurdity of the moment was perfectly captured in words by Bert. He said "Dude?"

Then things got quiet as all three of us tried to process what had just happened. I'm on my knees with Bert's cock in my left hand. I have his fresh cum dripping off the left side of my face and onto my chest. Ernie's standing over me with a stunned look on his face while holding onto his own spent dick. Meanwhile Bert's looking very confused with Ernie's cum dripping off his own cock (and my hand!).

I slowly peel my hand free from the sticky mess that is Bert's groin, and I notice that I'm more bothered by this twisted exchange of bodily fluids than anyone else in the room. OK, if you two lovebirds wanted to slime each other, you really could have done it in the privacy of your own homes without me getting caught in the crossfire. But if in some strange way I've brought you two together under the guise of "threesome porn fantasy" then more power to ya. I've said it before and I'll say it again - guys are so strange.

With the left side of my face and hair a total sticky disaster, I jumped straight into the shower. As I was turning on the water, I just sort of yelled some directions over my shoulder on where the guys could grab some towels to clean themselves up. I was never one for pillow talk, so after what just happened I doubted they even noticed I was gone. Hell, Ernie could have been licking Bert clean for all I knew. I was too busy lathering my hair and wondering if Trina had a hair dryer in her room.

When I was done, dry and clothed I found the guys standing out in the lobby - smoking. Normally I would have thrown a shit fit and threw their asses out, but all I could manage to do was ask to bum one off them. Shit - we had all earned it. I figured I could just spray a ton of air freshener afterward and pray Maude didn't notice in the morning.

And that my friends is the most interesting thing that's happened at work in 2011. Needless to say, the bar has been set incredibly high and there's no where to go from here but back to dullville. Now the most interesting thing that's happened outside of work in 2011 took place later that night when Derek called and asked me "So how was work?"

I said "fine."

CJ

p.s. Originally, I was gonna do this story as a Freak of the Week, but after thinking about it I realized I had a soft spot for these guys and what happened. And in a weird way (and I mean that in every sense of the term) I'm actually kinda glad that I was there for them. Or not for them as the case may be.

Whatever.

Freak of the Week - The Hustler

I had an interesting mix of customers over the past week. Some newbies, some Regulars I haven't seen in a while, and even some local grannies in for their yearly therapeutic. We get this weird bump in Little-Old-Lady traffic about this time of year as they dust off the gift certificates their sons bought them LAST Christmas and forgot to use.

It's the perfect gift when you think about it. A guy can come in, pick up a gift for his mom, get his own holly jollies, and cross 2 things off his Xmas list. Then when his wife asks him later if he took care of his mother, he can look her square in the eye and say quite honestly "Oh yeah, I took care of her."

But that's not the most interesting thing to happen around here this week. The other day I had a customer come in carrying a large shopping bag full of boxes. I asked him what the deal was, and he said he was there to barter. He opens up the bag and pulls out boxes of cool stuff including:

Snuggies
Toys
Cell phone accessories
Apparently this guy runs kiosks at several malls and he was doing a supply run. He explained that they specialize in high profit/high turnover stuff just for the holidays. And let me tell ya - even I was thinking "I could use 2 of those, and 3 of those..." Sure, the stuff is mostly crap made in China, but there isn't anyone on my list who couldn't use a snuggy or a remote control car.

So I asked him what he had in mind, and he asked "so whadya do around here?" And I have to admit that I was sooooo blinded by all the shiny goodies that I broke erotic massage protocol and discussed options and extras at the front desk! Let me tell ya, if this guy had been an undercover cop - just lock me up because I pretty much gave up the entire store.

"I'll take my top off for one of those monster trucks and 3 snuggies."

"Are you kidding me? I can't keep these trucks in stock. They're like gold. How about you also waive the door fee and I'll make it 4 snuggies instead?"

"I can't waive the fee - my boss would fire me! But let's say I did.... that's gotta be worth what, 2 robot dinosaurs?"

"2 dinosaurs? You're killing me! OK, for that I want the door fee waived, full body massage, you totally naked, and a blowjob."

"Nice try baby, but I don't think you have enough snuggies and dinosaurs in that truck to get a blowjob. However, I might give you a breast release if you throw in the monster truck, the dinosaurs AND one of those helicopters..."

He gave me a confused look and that's when I knew I had him. I explained to him in VIVID detail what a breast release consisted of. And to seal the deal, I made sure to stand up and slowly unzip my hoodie. The visuals worked, and he finally just said in a defeated tone "follow me." We went to his truck and inside was a motherlode of gifts for Christmas. We settled on our final exchange of goods for services. Basically, it turned out to be enough stuff to cross off a significant portion of this years gift list. Heck - he even helped me carry it to my truck!

I can't wait to see my nephew's expression when he opens up that giant remote controlled helicopter on Christmas. I only hope my sister doesn't ask "So how much did THAT cost?"

2 ounces of baby oil and 5 minutes of my time?

CJ

Freak Of The Week - Shavers

The new Freak Of The Week is courtesy of my new girl "J" up in Canada. Heya!

She reminded me of a whole class of guys that I never really considered as freaky. They are the shavers - guys who ask you to shave them down. Now I did a FOTW a while ago on a guy we call "Captain Haircut" but his deal was very specific and ritualistic. What I'm talking about are the guys who want me to shave them down with a razor.

I haven't had a request for this in a couple months, but when I do it's no big dea since we have the showers for easy cleanup. Shavers ask me to shave their body, backs, pubes and balls. Most common request is balls and pubes.

Since I classify this as a fetish, I charge an extra $100. We keep disposable razors and shaving gel in the back closet for just this occasion (or another special request where I shave myself - but that's a whole other story). Then we just throw everything away when we're done.

There's usually no massage involved and we just get down to business. I'll ask the guy to take a quick shower first since it helps with the whole shaving process. Then I'll have him lie on the table with a couple extra towels under his butt since it's going to get messy. Next, I'll take some shaving gel in one hand and gently massage it into his pubes and then his balls (if I can remember - I try to stick the container in the bottle warmer before we get started to help make this part more pleasant). I'll fill a cup with some hot water from the shower to keep it handy to clean the razor.

When he's good and lathered up, I'll start by shaving his balls. I've discovered that this makes for good foreplay with a Shaver. I've done this often enough that I even have my own technique of gently manipulating the skin of his sack so I get a good close shave. And all that attention to the balls usually gets him nice and aroused for the next part.

So when he's all cleanly shaven down below, that's when I'll take my well lathered left hand and slowly wrap it around his cock. Then I pull it down and out of the way (and if it takes me a few tries before I get a good angle at his pubes, he never seems to mind). With my right hand I'll then shave a patch of skin, then "reposition" his cock with my left. So in essence the customer gets a sort of alternating tug-n-shave. But I always hold the dick perfectly still while doing the actual shaving motion because the last thing you want is anything moving around when you're using a razor.

At this point, some Shavers might have an "accident" during the shave - which is the point I guess. So that's why I try to help it along because I get to kill 2 birds with 1 stone. But usually after I finish the shave, I offer to do the happy ending immediately while they're still aroused and not wait till after they've rinsed off in the shower. Some guys don't even ask for the end part - they're just happy with the shave.

After the happy ending, I'll clean them up real quick with a fresh towel and send them back into the shower. With the remaining few guys who prefer their handjob after the shower I have to be extra careful because sometimes the oils we use will irritate their skin. Nothing kills the mood faster than a guy jumping up and down, holding his junk and yelling "That burns! That burns!"

Told ya we should have done it with the shaving cream!

CJ

Freak of the Week - Stinky Stan

I know it's been a while since I've had anyone worthy of FOTW. But I've been sitting on a couple stories for a while as I waited for the whole serious cloud to blow over. Lucky for you guys, I can finally tell them.

Stinky Stan is relatively new, but he's already been in here twice in the last month. In fact, we've had a whole wave of newbies recently, and business has been decent. Anyway, the first time I saw him, we had a normal session with nothing exciting to write about.

Then the other day he comes in and Trina lets me know with a "Get your ass up front cause I'm not going back there." I was like Huh? And she was like "You'll see."

You know how you can tell some people are around before you see them? This was the case of Stinky Stan. I started walking up the hallway when the smell hit me. And it was pure ass. Imagine a really dirty diaper left wide open and sitting right in front of you. That's what this smell was like.

I think I actually staggered when it first hit me. When I regained my composure, I held my breath, waved to Stan, and quickly ushered him into my room. I asked him very kindly to jump into the shower and then get comfy on the table, and I'd be back in 10 minutes. Then SLAM - I closed that door and let out a gagging noise. Trina was already coming down the hallway spraying Lysol.

Some of you guys out there are probably wondering why we didn't just throw him out. On occasion that has happened - usually when it's a repeat offender who REFUSES to hit the shower. Then there are some customers that even the shower isn't enough.

So I figured a quick scrub and 10 minutes for the room to air out would do the trick. And it did. I came back in the room and Stan was up on the table and fresh as a daisy.

I started the session (45 minute G-string) and things are going smoothly. Then it hits me - a whiff of ass. Now if a guy passes gas in the room, it's no big thing and I can tolerate it. But this odor didn't go away. In fact it began to get worse.

I tried to ignore it and just concentrate on the massage, but after a while it just became too much. I stopped the massage so I could light all 3 aromatherapy candles in the room. I didn't say a word either. He knew it. I knew it. The candles knew it. It was BAD.

Stan wasn't one for small talk. And I didn't want to talk because I figured the less I opened my mouth in this cloud the safer I was. My stomach started to ache and I could actually feel a sort of gag in back of my throat. Have you ever noticed when you're sick, that the thought of throwing up just makes you want to throw up even more? Well that's what began to happen here.

And right when I thought I couldn't take any more, I looked up at the clock and... 20 MINUTES LEFT?!?! Holy fuck. I can't... No way... Oh Gawd...I'm gonna...

"Excuse me."

In a great display of restraint, I casually opened the door and walked out - almost butt naked except for a G-string. I didn't care if my own mom was standing outside that door. I shut gently shut it then jumped into the customer bathroom. I didn't even make it to the toilet - I hurled right into the sink. The cool air in the room felt good, but I still retched and heaved a few more times.

After a few minutes, I calmed down and cleaned up myself and the bathroom. I checked the clock behind the desk. 15 minutes left. Ugh. May as well be infinity.

I realized right then and there that I could not finish this session. Mentally I could not be in the room for even a few minutes. So I took a few deep breaths to calm down (and savor clean air) and I walked back in.

"I'm sorry Stan, but I think I've got food poisoning or somerhing..." Like I'm really gonna tell him the real reason!

Then Stan looks at me with a deep feeling on concern and understanding. A moment passes where our souls seem to communicate without words but through eyes only. He pauses and lets out a slight sigh. Then he says the most profound words I have ever heard in my entire life.

"Oh that stinks."

I told him I really had to end our session early and apologized for not getting to the end part. He was disappointed, but I offered him a double next time and he was cool about that. But it didn't really matter at that point because my brain was already in the back office trying to catch its breath. I don't know if Stan noticed that I didn't even dress up - I just grabbed my clothes off the chair and left the room.

I put my clothes on in the office and begged Trina to see him off. She mumbled a few words to him about how I didn't look good and it was very understanding of him, etc. I would say it took about an hour or so for my stomach to settle back down again.

So next time someone says "that stinks so bad I wanna throw up" picture me standing over a sink wearing only a G-string and actually doing it.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Erection Man

OK... all this talk about old dudes is getting me hot. Just kidding! But it did remind me of a guy who qualified for FOTW status. This was like 2 or 3 months ago, but I'm still laughing about it today. Mind you - I wasn't laughing when it happened.

I have this Regular that we'll call "Rod" (get it?). Rod's not a frequent regular, but he drops in every couple of months. He's about 50 and seems to be more or less a normal kind of guy. His sessions are typical (30 minute G-string), and he's never asked for any extras (breast release, doubles, etc). Just a regular kinda customer that you don't mind seeing.

Well he came in a couple months ago and I'll never forget - he was grinning from ear to ear. "Hey CJ, I got a surprise for you today."

"Is it pizza? I haven't had lunch yet."

"No... You'll see!"

Well I get Rod in the room, and he practically tears his clothes off. Before I can even ask him if he wants the usual, he proudly announces "Ta da! Well, what do you think?"

Standing before me is a naked 50 year old man. So between the beer belly, the balding head, and the excess body hair, I'm not sure where to start. However, being a master of polite conversation (a necessary skill in this business) I come up with "Wow - you lost weight!"

This caught him a little off guard. Probably because it wasn't what he expected, but a compliment just the same. "Uhhh... Yeah. But no," he says while pointing between his legs, "I mean this!"

Look, I see hard-ons all day long. It's part of my job description, so seeing a guy with one doesn't even register with me anymore. "Hey that's great... so you're ready to go then? On the table Rod, let's go."

Since I'm just not getting it, he starts to point frantically at his dick. "CJ..." he lowers his voice to a whisper "... it's Viagra."

"OH. Okaaaaaaay." This really did surprise me since I don't remember Rod having any problems before. But now I don't know what to do with it. I mean I KNOW what to do with it, but I usually save that for the end. I really don't have any use for it right now. But I guess it's the thought that counts, right?

Now if there's one thing I've learned about customer service over the years, it's that guys love to have their stuff admired. So I have a whole laundry list of generic compliments that I use to brighten up a guys day:

It's so big!
I'll need both hands for this one
Wow you're hard
You have a great looking dick
It feels so good in my hands
I'm gonna have to charge you extra

... and for guys with small dicks...
It's perfect for anal

So for all you guys out there who've heard these lines before - I'm sorry.

Anyway, I told Rod that the Viagra is obviously working (what else could I say?) and to get his raging manliness on the table. And that's when the problems started. Turns out his erection made it uncomfortable for him to lie on his stomach.

Oh he thought it was kinda funny at first, but after a few minutes he started squirming. He tried raising his hips a little, but then that became uncomfortable too. So eventually I wrapped up the back and legs quickly just to get him flipped over.

And there it was in all it's glory - Rods rod standing at full attention. Since I had time to kill before the happy ending, I paid extra attention to his chest and legs. I think even Rod started to see that his pharmaceutical enhancement was overkill. Well what did he expect? Viagra's made for fucking - not a 2 minute hand release.

Finally we came to the moment of truth - the moment that Rod had been preparing for all day. The moment someone would finally get to his artificially induced hard-on and give it a test spin. Well I have to admit that it was pretty damn hard. Could I tell it wasn't natural? Not really. The only odd thing was that it had lost some sensitivity - but that was probably because it had been rubbing against the massage table earlier.

I started to work him, and Rod admitted that it felt a little funny and asked for me to go easy. I used a lot of lube and kept the pressure low. He lasted a full 5 minutes before he finally came. If there's 1 thing Viagra doesn't do, it's make your load bigger because he only dribbled a little bit.

Looking back I suspect that Rod had already taken his woody for a test spin before he came to session. That would explain why he was hard the entire time, was overly sensitive, and shot a small load. Hopefully he'll leave the pills at home next time - you won't need them with CJ on the job.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Wife

I was inspired last week by the Q&A to tell some jealous wife stories. It's never fun to have to deal with them. Luckily, most of my encounters are over the phone, but occasionally one will actually come in to see for herself what her husband is spending all his money on.

It usually happens after the wife gets hold of the credit card statement because we do not issue receipts unless requested (business guys do this when they can expense us as "client entertainment"). The inevitable phone call usually goes something like this:

Me: "Thank you for calling The Business. How can I help you?"
Angry Wife: "What kind of place is this?!"
Me: "This is a day spa ma'am. We offer tanning services and therapeutic massage therapy."

I've gotten this kind of call often enough that I know when it's time to switch to Legit Mode. This little script of mine usually throws them off for 3 reasons:

1) They were really expecting me to say "Haroooow. Bang-COCK spa. We wuv yoo long time."
2) They can't picture their spouse needing a tan or a massage.
3) They are turned on by the idea of a tan and massage, and secretly hope their husband was buying them a gift certificate (or several gift certificates over the span of 4 weeks according to the credit card statement).

So if I haven't thrown them off their husbands scent already, they'll continue the interrogation. "So what on Earth costs "$200 there?!"

I want to say "Me naked on the table with my tits wrapped around your husbands cock" but instead I usually say "The 90 minute get-away tan and relaxation package." Then I pray that the poor sap of a husband is smart enough go with this and make it sound believable. More than once I've been able to parlay this into an emergency gift certificate - basically doubling the cost of the original handjob under investigation.

Then there are the women who actually come find us. I've been fortunate enough to convince most of them that we're legit. Whenever I've had an obviously angry wife standing at the counter, I've just put on my business face and given them the quick tour like she's a new customer to prove we have a real tanning bed and massage tables.

For most of these women, the only concept they have of a "massage parlor" they probably got from bad late-night Cinemax movies. So they're expecting to see stained mattresses, red lights, bead curtains, and a hostess in sleazy lingerie. They are not expecting aromatherapy candles, Enya music, a complete line of tanning products for sale, and me in my polo shirt and khaki's.

I've only had 1 really angry wife who didn't believe a word I said and demanded to see our logbooks. I told her that's private customer business and I can't do that, etc. Eventually she left, but I think there was going to be one unhappy husband that night.

Now Audrey's the one who got it bad one day. She once got a wife that basically knew what her husband was up to and wanted to find the "whore" he was doing it with. At this point whenever I get an angry phone caller looking for "That Whore" I usually just forward her to Audrey.

This woman was out of control. She was screaming and yelling and threatening to sue us and call the police. Eventually, we were able to get her out the door. Then as a final bit of revenge on Audrey, she started to key what she presumed was Audrey's car out in the parking lot.

She presumed wrong.

Luckily it wasn't mine either! In fact, I'm not sure we ever figured out who's car it was.

And that's it for wife stories. Now I know what the first question will be, so I will save you the time and answer it right now.

Yes - I have had a customer's wife as a customer. After a guy does a really convincing song and dance to his wife about how badly he needed "therapy" for his back after lifting that box at work, the wife sometimes gets intrigued enough to check us out for herself. Of course the guy is usually shitting a brick when I'm taking care of his wife, but I'm 100% business when I need to be.

And when she comes home in a good mood after her massage, the husband realizes he has a free pass to come back whenever he wants. It's a win-win for everyone!

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Chicken Fucker

I hate living out in the country. Wait - let me rephrase that... sometimes I hate living out in the country. I guess we're more of a suburb, but with all the mushroom farms and whatnot around here we may as well be in Alabama.

Our clientele is about half blue collar, half white collar. But every now and then you get the down-on-the-farm guys. Not that there's anything wrong with them... it's just that occasionally you get a guy who considers our little town as "The Big City."

Take Cletus for example. Nice guy who came in last Thursday. He was a newbie to The Business, but he obviously knew his way around a massage parlor. Funny guy too, kept telling jokes - I like that. It's nice when the newbies put me at ease, and Cletus was just one of those likeable kinda guys.

He took a 30 minute topless session which went just fine. Nothing out of the usual, except that he kept talking and making wise-cracks during the session. Even during his hand release, he made a joke about "choking the chicken." A country guy to the bone (pun intended).

Well as he was getting dressed and I was cleaning up inside the room, Cletus asked "Hey... do you know how to fuck a chicken?"

I had never heard that particular joke before, so I was game. "Uh no..." I was already smiling since I knew his zingers were pretty good. "Tell me - how do you fuck a chicken?"

So he told me.

For the next 10 incredibly uncomfortable yet fascinating minutes, Cletus explained to me in excruciating detail how you literally fuck a chicken.

Apparently you just don't grab it and stick your dick in (not that I had really given any thought before to the mechanics of chicken fucking). There's this whole thing you have to do with tying the legs in just the right way so you can fasten the chicken around your waist. That way it keeps it's legs apart so you can fuck it easier. And the frantic flapping motion of the wings means that the chicken does most of the work for you.

If you think what I just wrote is disturbing, try standing in front of a guy who's telling you this in a serious tone of voice. Imagine the Hannibal Lecter of chickens. He weirded me out to the point that I had to weird out you guys just to get some of the weirdness off of me. Brrrrrrrrr.

Now go back to whatever it was that you were doing and pretend like you never read this - The Silence of the Chickens.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Napoleon

Let me tell ya - ever since we inherited Audrey's old Regulars, it's been like a genuine carnival of freaks around here. Not that they're all bad - in fact, some of them are real sweethearts. It's funny, a lot of these guys are finally realizing that the other girls here are not the two-bit skanks that Audrey made us out to be.

But with all the nice guys also come the not-so-nice. Take "Napoleon" for example. I'll call him that because this guy yesterday definitely had a Napoleon complex.

Before I get started here, let me point out that I have nothing against short guys. Heck - I'm short! I've even dated guys not much taller than me. But once in a while you meet one of those guys who's like really uptight about it. Funny thing is that real "little people" who come in here don't have attitudes. Personally, I think the Napoleon complex kicks in with guys who are just short enough to realize it, but not short enough that they have to accept it.

Napoleon was right smack in the middle of that range. The first moment I knew something was weird was when he called in and asked for Audrey. I explained to him that she's out for the time being, and the rest of the staff is taking care of her customers. He actually demanded to get her personal number, then said "this is not acceptable" and other things that assholes usually say when they don't get their way. Didn't bother me since he's not one of my Regulars.

He didn't make an appointment on the phone, but surprisingly turned up at the door 30 minutes later. Once again he demands to see Audrey and I gave him the whole talk all over again. This time he doesn't ask for a phone number but instead says something like "you'll do."

I'll do? What a way to flatter a girl. Especially one you want to touch your dick. I gritted my teeth over that one. If he wasn't one of Audrey's Regulars but just a newbie walk-in, I would have just said "I'm sorry sir, but I have an appointment beginning in a few minutes. Why don't you come back in 3 hours?"

[You heard it here first guys - if a masseuse tells you to come back SEVERAL hours later, she wants nothing to do with you]

But since I don't want my bad customer service skills to get back to Audrey from one of her more loyal customers, I say "well I think I can squeeze you in before my next appointment. AND it can only be for 30 minutes. Sorry." (not)

"Hurmph!" That's the best way I can describe his snort of displeasure. My teeth started grinding for a 2nd time since meeting this guy.

I got up from behind the desk and walked towards my room. "I can take you in the second room on the right." I turned around and continued "Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a few... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

At the beginning of the hallway Napoleon was standing there with his pants unzipped and his junk hanging out. He grabbed it and started swinging it before asking in a very serious tone "Is this OK with you?"

I've seen flashers before. I've seen exhibitionists before. But it was the way he asked if it was "OK" that caught my attention. Those guys would either be laughing or at the very least grinning at this point. But I suddenly realized that Napoleon wasn't trying to shock me - he was being dead serious.

And it was this sudden realization that kept my right foot from contacting his sack in a very sudden and unfriendly way. So instead, I just kinda looked puzzled at him.

"I said" he repeated, "is this OK?" And for a little added emphasis, he shook his dick again.

I looked at his dick and had to admit it was disproportionably large for his height. But since it was still attached to an even bigger asshole, my surprise was quickly replaced with annoyance. "Looks fine from here. Will you please get in the room before someone sees you?"

As I tell this story now, even I'm a little proud at how well I handled this situation. But if there's one thing I've learned about dealing with jerks, it's that they usually respond best when you return their level of jerkiness. Too little and they walk all over you, too much and they get defensive.

Now if you think that a short guy standing in the middle of your work with his dick hanging out of his pants should have been slightly more shocking to me, consider what I do for a living. My biggest concern at that moment was getting him away from the windows. Since I've worked at The Business, I've done sessions in the break room (so we could both watch TV), the office (as an F-You to Audrey), and the bathroom (the 2 minute "special"). And one time at the old Business, I even took care of a customer while he sat in the chair behind the front desk.

Well my honest response seemed to satisfy Napoleon. He quickly shoved it back in his pants and said "I just needed to make sure before we got started. I don't like to surprise anyone." And with that, he FINALLY went into my room.

Funny usage of the word "surprise" I thought afterwards. He should use a dictionary for something other than standing on.

The actual session went more or less normally. Once on the table, he finally shut his mouth and behaved. Even though he's one of Audrey's Regulars, he didn't try to finger me or anything. That's what you call a good day at work - when no one tries to finger you.

CJ

FOTW: The WWJD Guy

OK, I was expecting this. With Audrey gone for over a week now it was just a matter of time before her Regulars started showing up on our shifts. We were all kinda looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. And this is a perfect example why...

2 days ago I got a guy demanding me to take her cut rate prices. Fuck that. I told him "Hey - you get what you pay for." He finally saw things my way - particularly after the bra came off. The Girls can be very helpful in negotiations. And I told Cindy and Trina to stand their ground and not cut their rates either.

Then there was my first customer today... an Audrey Regular who I've seen before, but never really spoken to. Tall skinny guy - looks like he has no sense of humor. Well today he walks in and sees me at the front desk.

"Uhhhhh... can I see Audrey please."

"I'm sorry sir, but she's away and won't be returning to work for a couple of weeks. Can I help you?"

"Uhhhhhh... Audrey please."

It's going to be one of those days I say to myself. A girl doesn't like feeling invisible, but this is ridiculous. Luckily for this guy, I'm a people person. "I'm sorry sir... but she is not here. I can help you if you..."

"Jesus help us!"

That little ejaculation is not what I was expecting (yes - as a good little Catholic girl, I know what an ejaculation is, thank you very much). Of course now I'm not sure what kind of help he needs if he's turning to Jesus for guidance at the front desk of a massage parlor.

"Uhhhhhh... I'm sorry miss... I usually see Audrey... Is Audrey..."

"NO - she's not here" I finish his thought, "and probably won't be back till next month." THIS is why I don't want Audrey's damn customers and I know that I'm going to regret doing this, but damnit - I'm in charge and I need to step up to the plate. "Would you like a session?" I manage to say politely.

"Jesus help me... Jesus help me..." he kinda mumbled a few times before saying "yes" in a small voice.

I directed him to my room when I saw him heading to Audrey's. I told him to get comfortable and then I left him alone for a few minutes. I figured as one of her Regulars he knows the routine. Even so, I was not surprised when I returned to find him fully clothed and sitting on the massage table.

I sighed. "You've been here before, right?" He nodded. "What options do you normally take with Audrey?" It was at this point that I noticed the yellow "WWJD" bracelet on his right wrist ("What Would Jesus Do?" for my non-Christian readers out there).

"Uhhhh... the one without the... uhhhh... bra... thing..."

I guess Jesus would take a topless. "Ok sir... get undressed and lie on your stomach." With the nervous type I find that it's best just to take charge and control the action. Thank Gawd (no pun intended) that the WWJD guy is not a talker - Except for the occasional "Give me strength!" or "Have mercy!" I can only assume that these pleas were not towards me.

I'm watching the clock, and we finally get to the happy ending. So the first words I finally utter in 30 minutes are "Alright, lay back, close your eyes and relax." I oil up my hands and start to work his cock. This guy is as silent as a church mouse (pun intended) up until the end. He gives out a soft moan and shoots a small load.

I ease up for a few seconds, then make for the towels. I CANNOT wait to see this guy to the door. The silent session is fine by me, but this one just kinda gave me the creeps. Then as I turn back to clean him up, he snatches the towel out of my hands.

"I'll do it!" he barks. It wasn't so much an angry tone as more of a "don't bother me" tone.

I'm like "whatever" and I start throwing clothes on quickly. Meanwhile I can hear more "Please forgive me" and "Have mercy" mumblings from my customer as he's thoroughly cleaning himself up.

I finally escape the room, and normally I wait at the desk to see the customer to the door, but I'm so creeped out by this guy that I head straight to the office. A few minutes later, the door chime lets me know he's gone. I take a deep breath to relax. Wow - that was weird.

Sadly I know this is probably just my first of many Audrey Regulars who will be bugging me for the next month. The good news is that I should have lots of new FOTW stories for you!

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Solo Pornstar

Well 2010 has started off with a bang (no pun intended). After a limp first week (no pun intended), things have started to rise (no pun intended) and finally climaxed (no pun intended) with my first FOTW of the new year.

[Note: Anyone wanting to send me to a creative writing course or even just get me a textbook, please contact me.]

"Ted" is a pornstar. That is, if you define pornstar as anyone who uses a crappy cell phone to video their own handjob. And when I say "their own handjob," I mean there was no appearance of a female co-star. I know, because he insisted on showing me before our session.

"What? You wanna show me a sample of your handiwork? Sure..." It's all in a days work around here.

"This is what I want to do" he said while pointing to his camera phone. "This is the angle I want to get it at." He then looked around the room. "Can we leave the light on? It works better with the lights on."

I've done video of the happyending before, so his request isn't unique. But I feel a little uncomfortable since I've only seen this customer a couple times before. The last time he was here was around Thanksgiving (The Mother of All Massage Weekends). I vaguely remember him being a good tipper, and not asking for anything weird back then.

"I don't know Ted..." I was stalling to see if he'd sweeten the deal. His face began to sink so I added "With the lights on...?" Suddenly it brightened up again.

Now that he had taken the bait, we negotiated a deal that would make a Hollywood agent proud.

A handjob on camera
No view of my face
The Girls would make a BRIEF cameo appearance
Room lights not on, but dimmed
Option of the table lamp for close ups of the money shot
Editing rights to the final cut (I get to delete any shot I don't like)


And all this for a decent compensation package. Not exactly Angelina Jolie rates, but more Lindsey Lohan just outta rehab.

With all that foreplay out of the way, Ted had no interest in a massage and wanted to get to production right away. I dimmed the lights and stripped down to a G-string (and by that I mean I stripped nude, then found a suitable G-string in my pants pocket to put on). Ted quickly got naked and hopped on the table.

"OK," he began directing... "Bring the bottle of lube over here so I can catch you oiling up your hands."

I obeyed. Ted brought up the cameraphone right up next to my hands. I kept an eye on him to make sure he wasn't trying to get a shot of my face. He made sure he got a good close look at my oily hands. He hit the pause button, "Say a few sexy things when you start to oil me up, OK?" then back to record.

I knew exactly what kind of stuff to say. "Mmmmm Ted...you want to feel my warm hands on your cock?" Since the camera was still focused on my hands, I slowly rubbed them together so he could get a good view of the oil glistening off them. Then I slowly put my warm hands on both his dick and balls at the same time (guys love that sudden rush of sensation - especially when your hands are nice and warm).

His cock actually gave a good twitch. I took that as a good sign and began to slowly lather the oil up and down his growing shaft. "You like that? You like the way I stroke you, huh? Your cock feels sooooo good in my... "

"OH YEAH!" he barked suddenly. I mean he was LOUD. "That's it babe... Keep jerking my prick!" I was so caught off guard that I actually paused for a second. "Dont stop! Keep working my cock... Oh yeaaaaaah... jerk that thing...Grrrrrr...."

Let me pause right here to describe the scene. Ted is lying on the table and I'm on his right side. With his right hand, he's holding his cameraphone just over his belly so it's basically pointing straight down his dick. When I suggested he move the camera to his left side so he could get a good view of my stroking his cock with The Girls in the background, he said he wanted a "Point of View" video. He explained that this is where the camera angle is exactly what the viewer would see as if he were in the action.

I didn't realize porn could be so complicated. Anyway, back to our story...

"GRRRRRRR... That's it baby!... Jerk my staff!... Squeeze that dick!" At this point I started to feel like he really didn't need me there. Since his camera was pretty much zoomed in on my hand and his prick, I could see why he enjoyed taping his own handjobs. Heck, The Girls could be warmly tucked away in my hoodie for this. I was going to suggest he use his free hand to take over so I could go grab some lunch, but then I thought better of it. Besides, I didn't want to interrupt his Oscar Moment here.

"YES... OH YES... jerk my man meat..." (yes - he actually said "man meat") "... work that shaft... Grrrrrrrr... pinch my sack... Mmmmmmmm... stroke that rod... faster..."

I think he used a dozen different words to describe his dick. I'm not kidding. Looking back, it kinda felt scripted - like he's probably got a collection of these videos at home with lots of different girls.

With the cue to go faster, I knew he was almost done. I started stroking him a little faster and his dialogue trailed off to a soft "grrrrrrrr." I started to wonder if he was going to shoot cum all over his phone, when he suddenly moved it up and over his cock. So now he was looking straight down as if capturing my point of view.

"Grrrrrrr... I'm going to shoot my load baby!... Squeeze that jizz out!... Shoot that semen!... Uhhhhhhh..." Ted shot a few streams of cum on his belly. I slowed down until he was done. He stopped talking too - thank goodness Since he kept the camera hovering over his own cumshot, I took my left hand and just sort of playfully rubbed it around his belly while saying "Wow... That was a lot of cum. You made such a huge mess." Guys are just fascinated by their own loads.

Ted finally put the camera down and I cleaned him up. He just sort of lied there and sighed before thanking me for being a good "actress." I stood there in my G-string and reviewed his little porn video while he got dressed. I have to admit - he kept the camera steady. Ted kept to his word and there were no views of my face. In fact, I don't even remember seeing much of anything other than my left hand and his cock. I then quickly got dressed and walked him out.

I've done some video work in session before, but Ted definitely took it more seriously than anyone else. Now if any of you handjob afficienados out there happen to see something on "handjobs.com" that resembles what I just described, please let me know. Someone owes me a movie credit.



CJ

Freak of the Week - The Couple

Work has finally started on the torn up rooms. This means that we're back to an evening schedule for the rest of the week. The guys will have the place to themselves in the mornings, and the girls will have it in the afternoons.

Yesterday was weird because I came in at 2:00 and the guys were supposed to be completely gone. Instead, there were like 5 men just sort of lingering around pretending to be cleaning up. You could tell they were trying to check us out as we came in for work, so I reminded Audrey that not a single customer will walk through that door as long as they were here. She finally said something to their supervisor and they were gone 10 minutes later.

Massage Parlor Rule #7 - never let the customers see other guys.

I hid in the office until they left. Every minute they're here after 2:00 is a waste of my time. It wasn't until about 3:00 that we were finally able to open. I was pissed and told Audrey so. She promised it wouldn't happen again.

But I won't complain too much since I did pretty well over the weekend. Everyone came in to make up for the loss of work last weekend. It was funny - so many guys were worried about us that Saturday and Sunday became a sort of homecoming. I'd say business was almost double that of a regular weekend, despite the bad weather.

But my most interesting session wasn't with an overly concerned Regular. I had my first couple! Well technically second, but the first where the girl wanted to get involved.

They were a pretty good looking couple in their late 20's I'd say. And it was obvious from the beginning that they were still in the honeymoon stage and totally obsessed with each other. An erotic massage was the girlfriends idea for a birthday gift for her man. She insisted on watching and I think it was partly for the turn-on and partly to make sure he didn't get more than a hand job.

Now I mentioned that they were obsessed with each other, right? The girl practically shadowed me from the moment I entered the room. I explained the options and she offered to pay for a topless which more than made her boyfriend happy. She made me a little nervous and annoyed with the hovering, so I made sure that I did a professional job with the massage to make her feel like she was getting her moneys worth.

The boyfriend notably kept his hands to himself during all this. I think she would have chopped them off if he tried to touch me. Hey - I wasn't complaining. The two of them were doing some sort of lovey-dovey baby talk while I was doing my thing, so I kept it quiet and just described what I was going to do before it did it - just so there were no surprises.

Then when it came time for the happy ending, I let her know directly what I was about to do, and she nodded her agreement. So I grabbed the bottle of oil from the warmer and lubed my hands up. As I started to work his shaft, I noticed that he got quiet and tensed up as if he shouldn't be enjoying himself at the hands of another woman.

Then I noticed that she got quiet too - as if he shouldn't be enjoying himself at the hands of another woman. This is when she asked if she could "help." I said "no" since the double handjob is really awkward for the guy and I could probably finish him off quicker than she could (I'm a professional).

Then she got weirder. "What do you do with the cum? I mean, shouldn't he be wearing a condom or something?" I think I may have paused mid tug on that one since it's probably the oddest thing anyone has ever asked me in session. I wanted to tell her that we collect it in test tubes and sell it to blackmarket sperm banks, but instead I said I usually let it shoot on the guy's belly and then I wipe it up with a towel.

I guess this treatment wasn't nearly good enough for HER man's precious seed because she still looked uneasy. So then she got even more weirder. "Can he cum in my mouth?"

Now when you read this, it appears as if she's just this kinky bitch who loves pleasing her man. BUT... the way she looked and sounded when she asked told a different story. I swear to you guys - I totally got the feeling that this girl really didn't want me touching this guys semen. His dick in my hands was pushing the limits, but his man-essence? Forget it!!!

It takes A LOT to weird me out nowadays, so I took it in stride. I decided to take control of this session back from psycho girl so I get this over with quickly. "Fine," I ordered, "Go over there and lay your head right here on his stomach." She walked obediently to the other side of the table. "I'm going to aim him directly into your mouth and he's going to tell you when he's cumming."

I think they were both relieved by this solution because she smiled and he got noticeably harder in my left hand. I continued to work him up and down, only at a steeper angle that pointed the head of his dick towards her open mouth. Finally, the boyfriend started to moan and she inched her tongue to within about an inch of his cock. He moved his hands up to the back of her head and said "Now baby, now!"

I expected her to open her mouth and just let it shoot in, but instead she actually grabbed his dick out of my oily hand and then totally deep throated him - oil and all. I pulled my hands back just so they wouldn't get sucked in too. He made some sort of growling noises for about a minute while she continued to aggresively blow him.

And the weirdest part out of all the weirdness that happened just now was my initial reaction. Now you guys out there know that I actually enjoy watching a man cum. Those little jets of semen are my proof of a job well done. Well, when this overly protective girl pushed my hand out of the way and took over the happy ending, I actually felt a small pang of jealousy.

Not that it had anything to do with an attachment to the guy. It was totally about me doing my job. My first thought was "Hey bitch! I did that - not you!" I know that makes me sound nutty as well, and you may not believe it but that was how I felt.

What can I say? I take pride in my work and I felt like she was taking credit for it. Next time I get a couple, I'm making her do all the work while I supervise. And I'll probably charge extra.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Bob The Builder

This has been like the weirdest week. We got flooded. The Business is half torn apart. Audrey is up to her old bullshit again. And all the freaks have come out of hiding. It must be a full moon.

Let me make this quick. We were closed over the weekend while the workers removed all the affected carpeting and walls. Now all that's left is a giant tarp covering up half our space. Inside it's just bare concrete, wires and pipes.

So what is it exactly about bare concrete, wires and pipes that turns guys on? Monday was my first full working day since the flood and EVERY customer made a comment about wanting to do a session behind the tarp. There's just something about construction work that turns guys on. At first it was funny. Then it was annoying.

Then there's Bob.

Bob actually put the money where his mouth is. He was my last customer last night and I swear, he would not shut up about the construction. You know how guys get when they're in "man" mode - he stood there with his hands on his hips asking technical questions and making suggestions about how we could improve things. Meanwhile, I was in "girl" mode and was trying to lure him into session so I could get the heck home on time.

I knew what he was going to say and he finally did. "Hey - can we do it right here?"

"Sure Bob. Just whip it out right here and I'll take care of you."

So he did. Now normally, I would have just grabbed him by his dick and dragged him into my room. And if he were a newbie, I would have kicked him out without waiting for him to zip up. But Bob's a Regular, the place was empty, I was tired, and I figured we could make this quick.

I led him over to where my room used to be. The shower stall is still there, but the wall behind it is gone. I told him to "get comfortable" while I ran across the hall to get some warm oil. When I came back, he was standing there with his shirt on and no pants. I don't care if you're Brad Pitt - that's always an unattractive look for guys.

I led him to my shower stall (or what was left of it) thinking this will make for easy clean up. Bob normally takes a G-string, so I pulled off my hoodie and put it on the ground. Then with my bra still on, I knelt down on the hoodie and started to work his cock gently without oil. Bob prefers the "striptease" so I usually undress at various points during the massage.

I think the whole kinkyness of it was getting to him because he got excited a lot quicker than usual. Normally I can get him semi-erect with my hands dry, then I switch to oil, but tonight he went from zero to 60 without much effort from me. Heck, I think he was looking more at the water pipes than he was at the girls.

But now that he was good to go, I realized how awkward it was going to be to oil him up before I was undressed since I wasn't surrounded by towels and sheets. So I decided to improvise. Instead of lubing him up with oil, I spit on his cock.

When I did that, his eyes got really wide. "Holy shit girl! That's hot. Keep doing that..."

And I thought I was just being lazy.

I sped up the pumping motion with my left hand and started to massage his balls with my right. Then I stopped and spit on him again, only this time I made it a point to spit on the head and let it drip for a second so he could enjoy the show. Bob moaned for a few seconds, then I started working him again.

This is great, I thought. He doesn't even care that I'm still in my bra. I knew he didn't have much longer to go, so I started pointing him towards the shower stall. Bob is a "director" so he always tells me exactly what to do to finish him off.

"Just like that girl... Oh yeah... Now spit on it again but don't stop..." He looked up. Either he was about to cum, or he was turned on by the bare heating duct. "... now faster... faster... that's it..."

Bob let out a really loud groan that kinda carried in the hollowed out space. His cum shot neatly into the shower stall, just like I had planned. I continued to stroke him slowly until he quieted down. Then he looked at me and gave me a big grin.

I lifted my left hand, which was dripping with semen and stuck my tongue out like I was going to lick it off. Bob was in no condition to be teased any further, so I just smiled at him and then grabbed the towel.

As I imagined, clean up was really easy. And I had managed to complete an entire session in a third of the time while sending Bob home in a good mood. He even tipped me a couple bucks extra!

So I was able to go home finally - also in a good mood. I really needed the pick me up because I lost out on work for a few days and discovered just this morning that Audrey actually kept appointments over the weekend. I almost flipped out when I heard that from Cindy. Fucking bitch keeps her own appointments, but tells us to go home.

But I feel better now. It looks like The Business will operate with half the rooms gone for now until the insurance crap is settled and the work begins. Meanwhile a massage table was moved into the tanning room and we're all going to share 2 rooms.

I'll live, but I miss my room.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Millionaire

I know I'm supposed to be answering questions, but I just had to tell you this story from Labor Day weekend.

I've had this one Regular for maybe about a year or so. He comes in every 2 or 3 months. Normally we just chit chat during session, but last weekend I asked him what his story was. He explained to me that he's now comfortably retired at the ripe old age of 43.

Now we get a lot of guys in here claiming to be rich. Sometimes you can tell and sometimes you can't. I mean, anyone can drive up here in a Hummer - but that doesn't prove that you're rich, it only proves you have poor taste in cars. My personal technique is to see what the guys wearing - in particular his shoes and watch.

Anyway, "Frank" is a millionaire. His story is when he was 20, his parents won the lottery. Now instead of just giving a chunk of change to their sons Frank and Ernest, they turned it into a challenge. The parents put away a million bucks each into 2 trust funds for the sons. But here's the catch - the money would be turned over in 20 years ONLY if they had 1 million bucks CASH in the bank.

So at the tender young age of 20, Frank became a financial planning expert. He worked hard, socked away as much as he could in savings and investments, and basically led a rather disciplined life until he could cash in at the age of 40. He said it wasn't that bad when you think about it - he just had to add $50k to his assets every year.

So when the trust fund became available 3 years ago, he just cashed in all his stocks, bonds, real estate, etc (and with the booming economy back then he had more than enough to qualify for the money). It didn't hurt either that the million had been collecting interest for 20 years. And as part of the plan, Frank quit his job and retired at the age of 40.

Frank is not my Freak of the Week. Now I bet you weren't planning on me saying that in this story, did you? LOL

Ernest also got his money.

Franks brother was 18 when the game began, and just like Frank, Ernest worked hard and socked away every penny into savings. But unlike Frank, he relied more on savings than investing, so virtually every penny he earned went into the bank.

And apparently that was the problem.

Ernest became slowly obsessed with earning money and socking it away. His social life vanished because he was too cheap to go anywhere. He moved out of his apartment for a boarding house because it was cheaper. And he started taking advantage of everyone if it could save him a buck.

Then about 5 years before the deadline, something in him just snapped. It became almost impossible for Ernest to spend any money. He started living in his car. He would rummage through garbage cans for food. For all intents and purposes, he started living like a homeless guy, which is odd because he still had a good job as an equipment operator at the local plant.

Frank said his brother was pretty much normal in every other way, except he lived this homeless lifestyle. So when he became eligible for the trust fund at the age of 38, he took the money. BUT NOTHING CHANGED. Even today - you might see this guy downtown going through a dumpster for food - AND HE'S A MILLIONAIRE. Go figure.

I was like totally shocked when I heard this story. In my opinion, this would be the definition of Hell. A million bucks in the bank, but mentally incapable of spending it. I joked with Frank that he should send him here and maybe we could get him to lighten up a bit. He said we would regret it because Ernest stopped showering a long time ago... Ewwwwww.

Now for those of you who are only interested in stories with happy endings, don't worry. I'm still working on those answers for next week, so please feel free to keep asking questions in that post. Have a good weekend!

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Cloud

This one's just nasty. The latest Freak of the Week isn't even a person - it's a monster. I don't know where to start because it's disgusting and weird and funny all at the same time.

Anyway, on Friday I was working the day shift with Audrey and business was decent (finally). I had in this one guy in the early afternoon who was your average Joe. I think he'd been in once or twice before. What I distinctly remember about our session was that he said he had Thai food for lunch. I remember because I love Thai food, but I rarely ever have it. I mean, who sits around and says "Hey, let's have Thai for lunch!"

So we finish the session and as we're both getting dressed he asks if he can use our bathroom before he leaves. I said sure, then I headed out the back door to have a smoke. Well, as I'm finishing my smoke, I hear Audrey up front yell "CJ! Get over here!"

I note the panic in her voice as I run back inside. I find Audrey standing smack in the middle of our lobby with her nose all crinkled. I'm wondering what the heck's going on when suddenly it hits me too... the absolute worst Gawd-awful shit-stinking smell that's ever been in history.

To help you picture the scene, the front of The Business is a lobby with front desk. A hallway runs directly down the middle of The Business with session rooms on either side (it's basically the same layout as a tanning salon). The first room on the left is a restroom for customers. So basically, the restroom is in the MIDDLE of everything.

I'm like "What the fuck is THAT smell?" and Audrey's like "I think it was your last customer."

The bathroom has one of those useless exhaust fans that only makes a noise so you'll think it's doing something. I was almost afraid to look and see what horrible devastation took place in the bathroom, but I knew Audrey wouldn't do it - AND ITS HER BUSINESS.

I kicked the door open and was shocked to find...

It was completely clean. Even the toilet was empty. Whatever he left behind - it was just a Cloud of Pure Evil Stink. I noticed that there were no paper towels in the wastebasket, so he didn't even wash his hands - EWWWW.

With nothing to actually scrub down or flush away, Audrey found a can of air freshener to fight off the foul smell. She sprayed and sprayed till the can was empty - the Cloud of Evil Stink ate the whole thing!

I swear to Gawd that I could hear it laughing at us.

Next we propped open the front and back doors, but that only seemed to help the Cloud spread through the entire building! Now the back office started to smell.

I got desperate, so I went through all the session rooms (holding my breath) and immediately lit all the aromatherapy candles in an effort to head 'em off at the pass. In the back closet I grabbed scented candles like hand grenades and brought them up front to join the fight. In the bathroom alone I tossed in 4, and the rest I scattered around the lobby.

This only made the Cloud angry and we could see lightning starting to flash around it's edges.

At about this point, a customer came in and stood at the front desk. Audrey booked him for 30 minutes, and no joke - he changed it to 15 after he got a good whiff of the lobby. Audrey took him to the last room down the hallway, but later said you could still smell it inside.

I wasn't about to sit at the desk with the Stink Cloud from Hell hovering over me, so I actually stood just outside the doorway and lit up another cigarette. A walk-in customer came up and I warned him about our little problem. He didn't believe me until he got one whiff, was totally skeeved out and left. 15 minutes pass and Audrey comes back out of her room just as a second customer also changes his mind.

I told her we can't do business like this. She agreed, so we put up the "Back in --- Minutes" sign and took a 1 hour lunch. Damned if we were going to put up with that smell. We were so desperate to kill the Evil Cloud that we actually left all the candles burning too. Torching the entire building would have been worth it to save the city from that Evil Smell.

And no - we didn't have Thai.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Gynocologist

I've noticed an interesting trend lately. For the last year, Audrey has been getting more and more appointments while the rest of us have been getting less and less. Well, over the last month or so that has been changing. What I think is that customers were getting lured away since she cuts her prices. But now I think that guys are just getting sick of her bad attitude and are willing to spend the REGULAR price for a better quality session. Either that or the economy is getting better!

It's nice that we're finally starting to see some old Regulars come back. But every once in a while I'll get a guy who Audrey can keep for all I care. Last night's customer is a perfect example.

Let's call this guy Daniel. This guy has always been an Audrey Regular until yesterday. He obviously didn't want to see her because he knows her schedule. I didn't say anything when I recognized him, but I did smile to myself knowing that she has another defector.

He booked an hour then asked for a mutual. "Mr. Moneybags" I thought. Usually her old customers take 30 minutes, then demand a topless for half price. This was refreshing.

Daniel insisted on massaging me first. When I got on the table, he told me to lay on my back which I thought was odd since you normally massage the back first, then end with the breasts. He wanted to depart from proper massage etiquette and go straight for The Girls, which is kinda like having dessert before the appetizer. But it was his dime, so I didn't complain.

He moves over to the table and starts kneading my left breast with his fingertips. "I'm going to give you a breast exam." he says matter-of-factly. "I'm looking for any lumps." He's not smiling when he says this, instead he's dead serious. Now I'm used to guys making small talk during session, but it's usually along the lines of "So you like working here?" It's really funny the kinds of things guys will say when they've got 2 handfuls of breast, and they want to look like they do this all the time.

"Let me know if you find any Dan" I manage to say. At least he's not squeezing them or trying to pinch my nipples.

"Call me Doctor Johnson."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... so that's his kink. He thinks he's a doctor. I can play along. I told him that I recently saw my gynecologist and that really got Daniel going. He must have asked me 20 questions about it - and I mean the real technical kind too. Apparently Dan is REALLY into gynecology, which is odd considering he's a salesman for roofing supplies.

While I'm answering his questions, I eventually mentioned a speculum. Let me tell ya - this was Daniels happy button. He had me go into detail about the speculum, meanwhile I noticed that he started playing with himself. I tried to sneak a peek, but he kept it hidden below the edge of the massage table. So now he was rubbing my right breast with his right hand, and taking care of business with his left while I just lied there talking about my last gyno visit. I was only hoping that he wouldn't make a mess on the side of my table.

Daniel was a good boy and didn't stain anything in the room. He got bored with The Girls and then told me to switch spots (what a rip - 20 minutes of getting my breasts poked and I don't even get a back rub!). Unlike Dan, I follow proper massage etiquette and start on his shoulders, then work my way down his back.

But he still wants to talk about that damn speculum. "I have one you know. I like to use it on my girlfriend." I tried to change the subject, but he just presses on. "Yeah... I like to get her nice and wide open. Then I look inside her with a flashlight." At this point I'm starting to see where this is going. "I'd like to bring it in next time. Would you mind?"

Phew! At least he doesn't have it with him. But now I'm thinking that if he's one of Audrey's Regulars, then you know he's been using it on her. Yuck. I pretend like I might be into it just so he'll give up more info. As he talks, I learn he doesn't have a girlfriend (what a surprise), but instead does this with "a special lady" he sees regularly. If by "special" he means slow, then he must mean Audrey.

Finally we get to the end part he acts a little confused when I start to rub the oil on his dick. When I ask him what's wrong he says "Uhhhh... I haven't gone down on you yet."

I want to scream "Ewww Ewww Ewww Ewwww!" but instead I give him a polite "I'm sorry... but I don't offer that as an option." He's obviously used to doing this with Audrey so I hope he takes a hint and doesn't ask for me again. Daniel is quiet during the hand release (fine by me), but he actually thanks me afterwards and tips me an extra $20.

That was nice of him, but I really really really don't want him to show up next time with his own speculum and flashlight, expecting me to call him Doctor.

CJ