Questions and Answers 5 - THE SEQUAL

Well I promised to answer ALL of your questions this week, so here's part 2 of Q&A!


Hey CJ. Follow-up question. How can you get a guy to cum without getting him hard?
It's not that different from milking a cow. Just because a guy's not hard doesn't mean he can't cum. So if I gently work the bundle of nerves along the end of the shaft with both my thumbs, I can sometimes get past a limp dick. Some guys with ED are just the opposite and require lots of pressure and rough handling. In those cases I sometimes end up kneading the dick like a piece of playdoh.


Anonymous said...
Could you tell us your other facial story as well as the one about getting cum in your hair

I'll save these stories for a future post. I could write a book just on men's obsession with bodily fluids. For some guys it's all about leaving them in interesting ways in interesting places.


bluekerton22 said...
How many people follow your blog (if you know)?

Well this blogspot website tells me that 74 people "follow" my blog - whatever that means. But my techno-nerd tells me that I get about 1500 visitors per day. Now if they were all paying customers at The Business, I would be able to retire in about a week! (But boy would my arms be tired).


I'd love to hear more stories about 'favors' you've traded with any friends or clients. You wrote a post on it a while ago. Thanks!:)

This would make for an interesting topic. I remember the post you're referring to and I'll try to tell one of those stories next week. Interesting thing about handjobs - sometimes they can be bartered just like any other item.


GC85 said...
Okay questions. If you dont mind answering what was you childhood dream job?Movie star. Not the porn kind either.

What car do you drive?
Full size pickup truck. For some reason, I just can't stand driving little tiny cars. It's awful on gas mileage, but I'm invicible in the snow.

What was your youngest customer?That I will admit to? Probably 20 - and that was because he lied. As policy I won't do anyone less than 21. We'll throw out anyone younger.

Have you ever had any sort of sexual relationship with a girl? or a 3some?
Except for the fake stuff we do during a double session, the answer is no. But I have literally sat next to Cindy while she was fucking or sucking a customer or sugar daddy. Does that count?

What is your fetish?
Shoes. I totally get off on shoe shopping.

Dream holiday?
Hawaii!!!!!! Because it's like the Caribbean, but I can understand everybody.

Dream car?
Ford F350. For no reason other than - BECAUSE.


When you do a facial do you jerk the guy or does he do all the work himself

You guys and your facial questions! Guys have told me that it's more of a turn on when they do it, so I'm hands off. But maybe I should start taking matters into my own hands because you guys don't know how to aim!


Anonymous said...
1. If Ben Roethlisberger were a client of yours, would you sell your story to Inside Edition for $10,000? $50,000? $100,000??

Funny you should ask... For that loser I'd sell my story for $5. Anyway, it's sort of the erotic masseuses version of hitting the lottery - big celebrity client and we become the next Bombshell Magee.

Well, I've had my share of famous people come through here (no pun intended) and unfortunately no one has ever asked me for a story. However, their loss is your gain cause now I can tell those stories here!

2. Would you let someone take a cell phone pic of your hand on their member or would that cost extra?
I've done this with customers I like for free. As long as you can't see my face, or identify The Business, I'm OK with it.

3. Do you do private parties? Could a group of 5 guys hire you to get naked, hang out for an hour and give out HJ's?

I've never been asked, but I have girlfriends from other places that have. It helps if you're full service too cause it's never a HJ party. I had 1 girlfriend who used to strip for a group of cross-dressing men. She'd do a long, erotic striptease while they all sat around her dressed as woman, and jerked themselves off. She didn't have to touch any of them and made good money!

4. Do you have a dream to be something else besides a Massage Therapist someday? It's obvious from your posts that you are a smart girl with charm and a sense of humor. It would seem to me that you wouldn't want to be ultimately defined by this. You're capable of so much more.

Come on guys... You all know the answer to this one. TANNING PARLOR OWNER!

5. What got you into this job and what stops you from doing something else?

Short answer to both questions - the money.


Anonymous said...
cj,
I do have a question and maybe you have answer this and i just have not read it yet but are these types of places hard to find. i do not want to go to some place where you walk in and it looks like some kind of bad porn set in the lobby and all they have is one girl who is older then my grandparents waiting to give me a wrinkely hj. not my cup o tea. i just want to go to a place to get a good massage and have a bit of fun. thanks. Casey
That's the nature of The Business, ain't it? Most places don't go to the extent that we do to look legit. Most are shitholes like you describe where I wouldn't take my coat off, let alone strip naked, lie on a soiled sheet, then let one of their skanks touch me. No sir.


Have you ever ended up in a relationship with a client? How did it go?
Yes and badly. It always ends badly. However, clients make great friends outside the business. It's when they want more that things go south real fast because they always think they can deal with what I do in a mature way. But it never works out.


What is the weirdo ratio?

Depends on the type of weirdo you're talking about. Harmless weirdos I'd say maybe 1 out of every 10. And that includes foot fetish guys. Freak of the Week is another matter. A customer who deserves his own post - maybe one out of a 100.


Given the possibility of weirdos, do you keep protection of some kind on site (pepper spray, bullet spray, etc)?

Let's just say that I'm protected.


Have you ever had a wife/girlfriend show up to confront you about doing a session with husband/boyfriend? If so, have you considered selling tickets? Cuz I would buy one.

Now THIS would make a great post! I've had this happen to me a bunch of times over the phone and once in person at the desk. In fact, let me get started on this story for next time...


A lot of interesting questions this time, so I really should do this more often. I have a couple ideas for future posts now, so thanks for the inspiration!

CJ

Questions and Answers #5

Hey guys! I know I've been bad with the comments lately, so I'm gonna make it up to you with another Q&A. Also feel free to ask whatever questions you want in this post and I'll get to them this week - I promise. Some of these questions go back a couple of weeks to my escapades in Audrey's office chair, so you may have to go refresh your memory...

Little Red said...
That's just nasty. I wonder what you'd find on Audrey if you turned on the spotlights!!!

Jizz stains are just a typical occupational hazard in The Business. That's one of the reasons why I don't like topless sessions - there's always the danger of getting oil or semen on your pants. Now If I'm pissed at someone, or just in a jokey kinda mood, I won't tell other girls if they've got jizz stains on them after a session.


I'm surprised you let a customer (friend or not) slide his lubed up member around that close to not one but two possible entry points. Even if he really didn't mean it, with all the lube all it would take is a slight mistroke and he would be in there.

I think I answered these questions adequately with my last post. The reality is that once you're in position to slide in between the butt cheeks, it's actually not that easy to bend an erect dick 90 degrees for insertion. The thigh release is different - the danger of insertion is higher, so that's why I'm more cautious about who I offer it to.


You should have let him come in your cheeks and then sat down.

This comment made me spit out my drink. Now THAT would have been hilarious!


Anonymous said...
"We played with the idea of me lying on the desk spread eagle with my head hanging over the edge so we could try an upside-down breast release."
Gee- and to think the last post was about spring cleaning and dust.

I'm sorry guys - I sometimes forget that I'm supposed to be giving away secrets about The Business. But I thought the condom story was kinda funny.


so...have you ever had a slight mistroke on a butt release?????

No, but some customers have had real problems trying to get the position and angles just right to make it work. There's nothing sadder than a middle aged guy with a small dick who doesn't exercise try some exotic position he saw in a porn movie - and fail.


Feel like answering a few questions?
1. Do you have any female customers?

Yes - they are all local women who come in for therapeutics.

2. Do you like sports?

All major league sports including Nittany Lions football. Everything really except soccer. That's not a real sport.

3. Ever gotten pulled over and used the 'girls' or anything else to try and get out of a ticket?

Nope - been ticketed just like everyone else. But I have used them to avoid cover charges at bars and clubs.

4. Jay-zee or Eminem?

Eminem.

5. Any customers ever not been able to get IT up?

Happens quite a bit - especially with the older men. But it doesn't necessarily mean the guy can't cum. I have a special technique I use to make that happen with the problem guys.

6. What's your record for most Happy Endingz in one day?

I think the record is 20-25 or so in one day. This was a while ago when the economy was booming and everyone had cash. I was working a double on a Saturday and it was just non-stop customers. But back then, 15 - 30 minute sessions were more popular.


GC85 said...
Dear Wise and Knowledgeble CJ
You've mentioned before about online dating. I know you didn't use free sites but i cant find any apart from flirtomatic. I'm not looking for love just fun. ccan you help?

Sorry - been off online dating for a while now. And even then it was mostly those pervy sugar daddy/baby type. Will never do that again!


Btw great post did Audrey ever come close to finding out? Or ask you who spilt tipex on her keyboard?

LOL - Audrey NEVER found out about her keyboard!! To this day I chuckle to myself whenever I see her using the computer.


Anonymous said...
Hey CJ, my friend got a happy ending head from a massage parlor for a 30 dollar tip. He paid 60 for a hour then a 30 tip and got sucked off. So should I expect the AMPs around here to be that cheap, or should I expect this to be a special case? This is the west coast BTW, I guess the regions make a difference.

Wow that's cheap. But it really depends on what part of the country you're in. Around here, full service sessions probably start around $150 for a BJ. And with the economy in the toilet, everyone's had to lower their prices. Heck, we had to!


Anonymous said...
CJ why do you do ass releases without a condom? That shit can give you herpes, and if a "slip" were to ever occur and he entered inside of you then you'd be at risk for a lot worse. I mean what if they lost themselves in the moment and decided to just stick it in there? Bag your clients up, be safe!

Never used a condom for that. But I do tell the guys to come on my back instead of directly on my ass just because of that.

Condoms are something we DO NOT keep at the business. Customers who do chose to use one (usually a clothing fetish of some kind), have to bring them and also leave with them. Can't afford to have any condoms in the trash.


DEFense CONdition goes the other direction FYI. DEFCON1 is highest level of alert.

That was a total blonde moment on my part! I stand corrected.


Little Red said...
If you no longer worked as an erotic masseuse, what would you do?

You mean apart from owning my own tanning business? Well, the bartender gig has been OK so far. I've managed to do a couple nights so far at a friends place. I could imagine doing that a while, but I wouldn't want to make a career out of it.


mdcraig62 said...
Normally this kind of crap is going along with local election year politics. Have any 'family values' clients that you need to flush out?

We get local (and not so local) politicians, police, and even church leaders every now and then. But it's sort of an unwritten rule that you NEVER reveal what goes on with these guys. It's one of the reasons why I wanted to start an anonymous blog about The Business - just so I would have an outlet for those stories.

Unfortunately, I don't think I have any current Regulars I can rat out if I need to!


Anonymous said...
Does your boss read what you say about her? LOL. If so, what does she say about it?

OH GAWD NO. Are you kidding? Audrey would have fired my ass a long time ago. Only Trina and Cindy know about it, and they don't mind what I've said so far.


Anonymous said...
I'm curious if anybody knows of a blog written by somebody who frequents massage parlors and writes stories about it. I love this blog, (CJ - well done), but would also enjoy reading the other side of the sensual massage experience. Thanks for any info.

I think some of you guys out there can answer this question. Feel free to plug your blogs here!


Anonymous said...
So how many different guys are you in love with enough to take facials from?

I knew you guys would ask that... Believe it or not, there has only been a grand total of 3 customers who have been granted this special favor. I've been asked numerous times, offered generous tips, and even 1 kind gentleman who graciously offered to clean me up afterwards - with his tongue.

Now the key word here is "granted." I don't know how many times I've gotten it on my face unexpectedly from a customer who hadn't jerked off in a month. Yuck.

But for the 3 customers that I can honestly say I love enough to do this for, it was never for money but for something else. Like a "thank you" for some favor they did for me.


Anonymous said...
"Cookie"? is this a term in the business?

That's MY term. LOL. Cindy calls it her "Grrrrly Grl."


marginalutility said...
Aren't you afraid that with the butt or thigh release semen might get loose and end up in your vagina, causing a pregnancy/STD scare? As an escort, I sometimes offer the "butt release", but I'm very careful that it's on a part of my ass where the sperm couldn't possibly drip down anywhere near my vagina or my anus.

Oh I'm aware of that. So that's why I direct the guys to shoot for the small of my back. I once had one asshole who deliberately aimed for my hair. I blacklisted him after that.


reggie said...
is Rent Money enough for you to agree to take a facial shot?

Nope. I've had Rent Money offered, but it's just not worth it. I consider facials more a "treat" for guys - both at work and in my private life.


Anonymous said...
I don't know what it is but something about your billfold makes me want to swallow your jizz. Must be love.

There is something sexy about a large billfold.....


Satisfied said...
Besides for things to accidentally slip in, things would need to be lubed up. And it's not like you're wet or anything right...

Oh Gawd no. There is no danger of me ever getting wet and messy from a butt release. Ya ever have a guy basically dry humping your rear end? It's not exactly a turn on.


Sc00ter1808 said...
CJ. I have been to a Asian massage but for some reason get really nervous and cannot get an erection until she is actually starting the release. With the amount of touching that happens and my reaction (lifting butt up when she is in the area, etc..) I feel really good but no stiffening. How often does this happen to you? Is it frequent? I really notice it when I am nervous and develop shrinkage. :( When I am at any other massage (non sensual) sometime I get an erection. When she leaves I try to get it going before she returns. Any advice? Any recommendations on how to relax so when its "turn over" time I can show I am ready to begin?
Thank you

It happens more often than you think. The key (and I tell this to everyone who has problems) is to relax. Guys get too nervous over-thinking their happy ending. Just relax, shut your mouth, think of happy things, and let us do our job. You're overly concerned to the point that you're trying to get the hand release started without your masseuse. It's her job, and believe me - she won't be shocked if you're a little slow to get excited.


Well I hope you guys found Q&A 5 enlightening. Please feel free to throw any any random questions in the comments section, and I'll promise to get to them later this week.

CJ

The Accidental Full Service

I got a kick outta your questions the other day about whether any guy has ever "mis-stroked" and stuck his dick in a place it ain't supposed to be. I thought about it and realized that during a butt release, I am merely inches away from either: A) Full Service, B) Sexual Assault, or C) a combo of A and B. I guess the answer would depend on how I feel about the guy!

The short answer is no, I've never had a guy "accidentally" stick it in me during a butt release. Seems easy enough, but it's the kind of thing I only offer to guys I like and trust. So I thought I'd explain how and when I offer the extras to customers.

For all you newbies out there, "extras" are the little services I offer above and beyond the options. The standard options during a massage are topless, G-string, and nude. The basic extras in the order in which I offer them are:

1) Mutual massage
2) Breast release
3) Butt release
4) Thigh release
5) Facial

I never offer extras to newbies, so at the most they'll get the standard hand release with a view of me unobstructed by clothing. It takes a few visits and me getting to know you before I start offering extras; starting with...

The Mutual Massage
This is where the customer gets to massage me as well. For some guys it's basically an excuse to play with The Girls up close and personal, but some of them really go out of their way to impress me with their massage skills. As you can imagine, I have to feel comfortable with a guy before I'll offer him this extra. Anyone who's pinchy or grabby in the room will never get this offered.

Breast Release
If you've taken the mutual a few times and proven yourself gentle enough with The Girls, then I'll offer this one next. For the new readers out there, this extra is known by the more mundane term of "Titty Fuck." If a customer seems cool enough from the start, I'll offer him this at the same time I offer the mutual.

Now I would be lying if I said I've never done this with a newbie. More than a few time I've had new customers come in here and specifically ask for it. I know I said I have to get to know a guy and trust him before I offer a breast release, but you would be amazed how much trust I've found in a big wad of cash waving in front of my face.

One of my favorite stories is the time a guy came in and just flat out asked to cum on my breasts. No massage. He offered me what I like to refer to as "Rent Money." It would have been mighty unfriendly for me to say No, right? So from the time my shirt hit the floor to the time that he had zipped up and was walking out the door was less than 5 minutes.

Best session EVER.

I swear, it took more time for me to clean the semen off my chest and dress up, than it did for him to whip it out, jerk off and orgasm.

Butt Release
As the name implies, this is where the guy uses my butt cheeks to help him achieve his happy ending. I actually don't get a lot of calls for this one. And as you guys have already guessed, I have to be REALLY comfortable with a customer before I'll offer this. There's nothing more vulnerable than leaning over the massage table with your butt in the air and the guy sliding his cock back and forth mere inches away from my exposed asshole.

Except...

The Thigh Release
We pretty much have to be BFF's before I'll do this one. AND I'll need 2 references. With this release, the guy slides his well lubed cock in between my thighs. I can either be leaning over the table, or lying down on my back. When I'm lying down, it's pretty much as close to fucking as you're gonna get. This one I'm very careful about offering because now you're mere inches from my Cookie, and I need to know ahead of time that you have control over your orgasm and you're not prone to be premature.

Facials
Now if we have to be BFF's for a thigh release, I have to be IN LOVE with you before I'll offer a facial. Actually, I don't so much offer facials as I agree to them (after much nagging, whining, flattery and finally bribery).

Believe it or not, I don't actually charge extra for this most intimate of services. And that's because it's usually tied to another extra like the mutual massage or the breast release. The deal usually goes down something like this...

"I'll take a mutual followed by a breast release. And... er... er...can I cum on your face?"

"Uh... No."

"Puuuuuuullleeeeez?"

"Eww."

"I'll be your best friend?"

"I would, but I just washed my hair and I'm going out straight from work tonight."

"I'll spend half an hour massaging your feet."

"Fine. Just keep that shit away from my eyes."

I hope this has clarified a few things for you guys. Especially why I'm not routinely violated during the standard work week.

CJ

DEFCON 4 - The Crackdown Continues...

This is a special report from the Happyendingz newsroom. Another local Asian massage parlor (AMP) got raided last week. In the past I've said good riddance but now even I'm getting nervous. In the last 9 months 4 AMPs and one American parlor have been busted around here.

I just got off the phone with Audrey, and she's OK if we want to shut down for a few days. But it's my call. Usually when a place gets closed, we see a drop in business for a few days, then things pick up as we start to see their old customers. But that bump in business has been getting smaller and smaller over the past few months. So this last raid has really gotten our customers spooked.

After the last raid, we were at DEFCON 3 - No happy endings offered to new customers till after the 2nd visit. Sure, there was a lot of grumbling and "I'm not coming back here!" bullshit, but better safe than sorry. Besides, where else ya gonna go?

Now we are at DEFCON 4 - No happy endings offered to new customers. Period. Regulars only till further notice. Newbies can still get a nice therapeutic from a FULLY CLOTHED masseuse, but no extras or options.

Yes it's killing business, but we're nervous. I mean, some of us have local cop friends, but it's not like we can call them up and ask "Hey Officer Bill, you guys gonna raid us anytime soon?" What has happened in the past is we'll get a tip from one of our "sources" not to come to work tomorrow. Then we shut down for a day or 2, or just do therapeutics only. The cops file a report that nothing was observed, and that's the end of it.

This time it's different. I did some research and it looks like the recent crackdown is being fueled by some local church groups. They've been rallying the locals to annoy their town police to "do something about the problem."

I've mentioned before that the town views us as an "annoyance" business - nothing to be proud of, but we pay taxes and occupy unpopular retail space. We're basically in the same category as adult bookstores, and tattoo parlors. So it takes A LOT of complaints before the town decides to spend a bunch of money and time to investigate, raid, and prosecute 2 girls who were just unlucky enough to be on shift.

So all we can do now is weather the storm. They're rapidly running out of AMPs to target around here, so eventually they'll get to us - if they haven't already. With any luck, they've already checked us out and we passed for "legit." For all I know, one of my cop friends may have been on official business last time he was here!

The Office

I will admit that nothing exciting has been happening around here lately. Hell, my last post was about cleaning up around the place. So one of you guys was kind enough to remind me that I owe you a story from the good ole days, so here goes...

This goes back a couple years now, but I like to remember it and savor the feeling every now and then. They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. Well I say it's best served hot and sweaty.

I forget why, but Audrey had been on my nerves about something (like I really need a reason). What's new, right? Well I had been fantasizing about getting back at her; things like a banana in the tailpipe, glue in her massage oil bottle, ants in her session room, etc. However, I'm a big coward when it comes to things like that, but it's always fun to think about.

Well one night, I was on shift by myself and one of my Regulars drops by. We'll call him Ted. He's actually a friend outside of work too, so when he came over we sat in the lounge and just chatted for a bit. I was telling him some of my revenge fantasies when he asks "What's that room there?" and pointed to the door across the hall.

"It's Audrey's office. She doesn't like us going in there. In fact I don't know why she left the door open." Suddenly I big smile crossed my face.

"Well what's in there that's so important?"

It was her damn chair.

She NEVER wanted anyone sitting in "her" chair, let alone standing in her office. It's not like there's anything important back there. It's mostly just binders of invoices and bills and stuff.

Let me describe it to you. Pay attention because some of the details are important later on when I talk about leverage, support and angles and such.

Audrey's office is located at the end of the corridor leading to the back of The Business. On the right is our lounge and to the left is her office. It's about the size of a walk in closet and contains a U-shaped desk. On the left is a computer and keyboard. On the right is a small collection of Audrey's knick-knacks like trolls, dolls, and bears. And in the middle of the U is one of those giant desk pads that's also a calendar. On a small shelf above are various notebooks and binders. Below the desk is a filing cabinet on wheels, the computer case, and some boxes of office supplies.

I must have had a devilish look on my face because Ted asked "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

I think I was because all I said was "Get naked."

Ted's a good sport and he quickly complied. I joined him, then went to the closet for a fresh bottle of baby oil and a roll of paper towels. I told him to sit down in her precious chair. I took a second to get a look at him because I wanted to remember his large, meaty, butt-naked frame settling into her sacred seat.

I knelt down in front of him and slipped a paper towel under his balls to catch any excess oil before I lubed him up. I started to work his cock until he was nice and hard (that's the great thing about having friends who are customers, because you can skip formalities like the massage and just get to it). I kept stroking him for a minute before he asked "So what do you want to do?"

"Uhhhhhhhhh...." I answered. "I haven't really thought about it. What do you want to do?"

Guys have a natural knack for this sort of thing that girls just don't have.

"How about a titty fuck, and I cum all over her chair?"

"I like the way you think." Suddenly I didn't care anymore about the towel under his balls. I figured I could just wipe up the mess and she'd never be the wiser, right? So I scooted up and pushed The Girls together and tried to lower myself onto his prick. Unfortunately, it didn't work. The chair arms kept me from getting close enough.

Ted was quick to work on a solution. "How about you lean back against the desk and I'll try it standing up?"

So I kinda arched my back over the desk pad so The Girls were pushed forward. Meanwhile, Ted put his weight on the two opposite sides of the desk. And just as he was getting into it....

CRREEEEEAAAAAK!

We both jumped up. The desk is attached to the walls and so it couldn't support Ted's full weight. He tried to shore it up with the rolling filing cabinet and a couple of phone books, but it wasn't enough. At this point I couldn't help but think what a wonderful man Ted was for trying so hard to figure out how he could titty fuck me and cum on Audrey's chair. That man's a saint.

We played with the idea of me lying on the desk spread eagle with my head hanging over the edge so we could try an upside-down breast release. But there was no way I was going to put my full weight on there after what just happened.

In case you thought that idea was just too bizarre to even try, Ted demonstrated it for me using one of Audrey's teddy bears. I think it's name was "Bosco." When that idea got shot down he suggested I suck his dick by simulating it with one of her dolls. I said "Ewwwww" to that one for several reasons.

Finally he grabbed a troll doll and started pretend-fucking it doggy style. When I was done laughing I agreed to a butt release while I leaned over the desk. When he was ready to cum, he was to turn around and shoot it all over her chair in the doorway.

Sound complicated? It was. So I leaned over the desk pad and let Ted start sliding his freshly lubed cock between my ass cheeks. I bent over as far as I could on the desk with my ass up so he'd have a good angle to work with. He grabbed an ass cheek in each hand and began to rhythmically pump his dick back and forth in between them. After about a minute he starts to moan. "Oh good" I thought, "This is gonna be the funniest thing ever."

Ted starts to cum, but he doesn't turn around as planned. He got lost in the moment and forgot what to do. So I yelled out "Ted!" He begins to panic and grabs his dick and squeezes real hard. Have you guys ever tried to actually stop yourself from cumming? It's harder than it looks, isn't it? So instead of holding his load in, he actually increases the pressure of his ejaculation. And he shoots.

Everywhere.

The first load lands on Audrey's desk pad. As Ted is turning around to the left, he gets another load smack in the middle of the computer keyboard. The next load, as he's trying to get to the chair, actually splatters against the doorway and wall. So by the time he gets turned 180, all that's left is just a few dribbles of semen, which he desperately flicks towards the chair by shaking his dick. So there he was, standing naked and sweaty in front of Audrey's chair, squeezing out the last drops of cum in revenge.

Needless to say, the joke was now on me. The doorway and wall were easy to wipe up. And the month of June on the desk pad was permanently stained. But have you ever tried to clean semen out of a keyboard?

And that's how I defiled Audrey's office. Minutes of fun. Hours of cleaning. A lifetime of memories.

CJ

Spring Cleaning

The weather down here has been gorgeous this week, with the exception of the occasional thunderstorm. It's been so nice that we've even broken out the folding chairs so we can sit outside during breaks. The back parking lot is quiet, so that's where we sneak away to smoke (or "tanning" breaks if you're Trina).

Since it's been so warm out, I decided to start doing spring cleaning around here. Hey - I'm still the acting manager. But it's not that bad. We cranked up all the radios, opened up the doors and tried to get some fresh air in here.

Now you can learn alot about a masseuse by how messy her session room is. Mine wasn't too bad. But when we moved the massage table, we found a whole family of dust bunnies living underneath it. Lucky for me, there was nothing incriminating under there - unlike some people.

Audrey's room hasn't been used since she stopped coming in back in February. But I was feeling motivated, so I told Trina to help me clean it out.

It was a bit musty inside, which is what happens when an aromatherapy candle hasn't been used there in ages. Now we have 2 sets of lights for each room - the standard dimmers we use during session, and the bright spotlights that we NEVER use. Well, since we were cleaning, we fired up the spotlights.

Have you ever heard of those "crime lights" that CSI cops use to detect bodily fluids in crime scenes? Well, you wouldn't need one in this room. With the bright lights on, we could just as plainly see the stains on...

the walls
the floors
the table
the shelf
and don't even get me started about the shower!

Trina and I almost threw up when we realized what we were looking at. We figured her room hasn't been thoroughly cleaned in years. It was just the nastiest thing you've ever seen - but without the spotlights you would have never noticed it. We switched the lights back to the dimmers, and agreed that you couldn't really notice anything.

So that's what we did. We left the dimmers on, ran a quick vacuum through the room, then turned the lights off and closed the door. Actually let me rephrase that - I ran a vacuum through the room, turned off the lights and closed the door. Trina spent the entire time outside trying to keep her lunch down.

I'll confess that when I decided to clean out Audrey's room, I was hoping to find something embarassing like condom wrappers. But believe me when I say this was waaaaaaaay worse. I don't know how that woman could stand to work under those conditions. It's called Formula 409 Audrey! Check it out.

After Trina and I felt like our stomachs had settled, we moved on to Cindy's room. No condom wrappers, but we did find a Penthouse magazine, an old G-string, some cheap costume jewelry, and a tiny tube of "personal lubrication."

I don't wanna know.

Lastly was Trina's room. I didn't expect to find anything incriminating in there because she locked herself in while I was finishing up in Cindy's room. So I vacuumed up her dust bunnies while she scrubbed down her shower stall.

After she finished and went to the bathroom to clean up, I snuck out to the dumpster to see what she was trying to hide from me. I found a tied up shopping bag. It was filled with - can you guess? Candy wrappers. Must have been 50 at least.

After 2 days of major cleaning, we did find 1 condom wrapper. It was in the tanning room, behind the booth. None of us could figure out how it got there. I mean, it's quite obvious that Audrey fucks her customers in her room (ALL OVER her room apparently). Trina and I aren't full service. And when I asked Cindy, she just said something odd like "wrong size."

Now Trina had an interesting theory. Since it wasn't in anyone's room, she thinks that Audrey fucked one of the contractors when our place was getting fixed up from the flood. Why the tanning room, I don't know. Maybe Audrey was offering a taste of all our services at the same time?

Wow - I feel dull compared to my co-workers.

CJ

Spring is here...

And love is in the air. Or at least the equivalent.

Audrey has been gone for a while now, but she still gets customers asking for her. But yesterday's call takes the cake. Trina and I were working, and I was at the front desk when this guy called.

"Allo? Is my Leetle Teeny there?"

I don't know any "Teenys" around here. "I'm sorry sir? Who are you looking for?"

"I rrrrreally miss you my Teeny." His "rrrr's" just rolled off the tongue like he was playing a guitar and he knew he was good at it. We'll call him "Antonio" since he sounded like an Antonio. I'll admit I'm a sucker for Spanish accents, so that's why I hadn't just hung up on the guy.

"Uhhhhhh.... I'm not sure who you're looking for sir. This is CJ. Are you looking for Trina" I asked with a slight hint of jealousy in my voice. Why can't my customers sound this good, or be this loyal?

"I know it is yoooooou ..." At this point I'm wondering if this is just a bad prank phone call. But then Antonio added, "I have longed for another massage from you. You are... how do you say... erotic?"   Wow - that gave me a little chill. Why does Trina always get the good ones!

Let me apologize now for my bad attempts to type with a spanish accent. Just use your imagination, OK?

"I think you want Trina, " I said curtly. "Hold on while I..."

"You are the best I have ever had and I must have you again. Have you missed your Antonio my Teeny?"  I really didn't want to have this conversation about how great another masseuse is, so I asked him again if he was looking for "Trina." Turns out he was looking for Audrey! Antonio call her his "Leetle Teeny" because she's so petite. Gag!

I've had my share of overly enthusiastic customers, but none quite like this guy. I had to tell him she's no longer available, but he's perfectly welcome to stop by (I will confess that I was imagining that voice caressing my ears for an hour). Unfortunately, he was disappointed by the news and didn't feel like making an appointment with anyone else (damn!).

Well it was probably for the best. In my mind I was picturing Antonio Banderas. A YOUNG Antonio Banderas. Why wreck that thought with reality?

Now if the real Antonio just happened to be reading this blog, please feel free to stop by anyway! I didn't mean anything by that "young" comment.

CJ

Urban Legends

My previous topic got me thinking about other stories that float around the local businesses. We have our own set of local gossip and urban legends, so I thought I'd share them here since it's the kind of stuff that you'll never see on the internet (until now).

The Undercover Cop
This is more of a scam than an urban legend. Rumor has it that some guy has been going around pretending to be a cop in order to get out of paying for his sessions. The scam goes something like this...

He shows up at the front desk talking on his cell phone and acting all serious. In the room, he may pretend to be on his phone again. He doesn't put the money down first (scam artists NEVER do). Then immediately after the happy ending, he puts on a convincing show about how he's a cop, but he really really doesn't want to arrest you because you're such a "good girl." So after the masseuse is scared to death, he gives her a warning, then takes off without paying.

Hasn't happened to me, but I've heard it more than a few times lately. Remember ladies - ALWAYS take the money up front.

The Millionaire
Anna Nicole Smith is the patron saint of all strippers. She lived the dancers dream of actually marrying a rich customer. Well, we have an urban legend like her around here.

Supposedly there was a girl at a local business that had a millionaire as a Regular. I didn't know her (of course), and the story is always told by a friend of a friend of a friend who knows it's true.

Local wealthy guy goes to a massage parlor out of loneliness and falls in love with his masseuse. He makes an honest woman out of her, and now she's a local socialite hosting tea parties and running his massive business empire.

I call bullshit on this one. Now I'm sure there's some local businessman who has a wife who used to be an erotic masseuse, but that's probably where the story ends. But with each telling he gets richer and richer and she becomes fancier and fancier. The truth is probably closer to Gas Station Owner Knocks Up and Marries Local Masseuse. Occasionally she runs the cash register.

The Divorced Guy
A guy going through a messy divorce goes around town giving away all of his wife's jewelry to masseuses and escorts. Now this is a story that I think is true because it happened to a friend of mine.

Apparently a local guy discovered that his wife had been cheating on him, so they split. The divorce gets so ugly that the guy decides to take his revenge by taking all of her jewelry and then going on a happy ending spree.

The story is that he would take a session, but instead of paying in cash he would offer some super expensive bit of his wife's jewelry. I worked with a girl at the Old Business who got a pair of diamond earrings from this guy - that's why I know it really happened. Rumor has it he did this all over town and managed to clean out his wife of thousands of dollars worth of gold and gems.

OK - it's true that my friend got a pair of earrings from a customer. BUT let me tell you what I think really happened.

I think some local got hold of a large stash of cheap-ass costume jewelry. Then he came up with a convincing sob-story about where it came from and why he wants to unload it. And in the dim lighting of a session room, I'm sure any $10 trinket looks like a thousand bucks.

I never saw the earrings in question, but I'm sure they looked great in the dark. Heck, even I have a collection of jewelry I've gotten from customers. The difference is I won't take it as a tip.

So those are some of the best stories we tell each other after a hard day at work over a few drinks. Sometime after the 3rd shot the conversation always goes like "Didya hear about Candy...? You're not gonna believe this, BUT..."

And now that you've all read this on the internet it has to be true!

CJ

Will The Real CJ Please Stand Up?

This weekend I was surfing the web for any new references to me or the business. It's sometimes fun to see what you guys think of us, but occasionally it can be bad.

I did find some recent stuff on a couple of the massage websites, but luckily it wasn't too bad. Someone had some nice things to say about me and Cindy, and some nasty things to say about Trina. But what I found most interesting was a comment about the absence of Audrey. One guy talked about how happy he was that she was gone, so I can only assume that he'll be back more often.

What the heck??!! It's supposed to be about customer service... and people were starting to feel intimidated instead? That's why I'm soooooooooooooo glad that she's not coming back any time soon. I've been saying this for a while now - she was starting to turn bad for business.

Then for shits and grins I looked up any new references to "CJ" or the blog. A couple of people are still out there looking for me, and it's always fun to read the latest guesses. But this time I found some stuff that both pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time.

The first was a guy who said that "CJ" is obviously a man who just really enjoys making up stories about handjobs. That one really deserved a "ROFLMAO." Come on - two and a half years of handjob stories? That man would have to have one VIVID imagination to tell the same story a hundred different ways.

The next was a guy who said I obviously know nothing about massage parlors. Now that one just pissed me off. I've been doing this as a career for Gawds sake - and some shithead who probably goes to a parlor once a month is going to tell ME I don't know what I'm talking about??!!??!!

Look, I know he's full of crap and you know he's full of crap - but it just annoys me that he thinks he knows enough to criticize me to other people. Just the idea that someone would read that and believe he's right makes me angry. But then again, it's the internet and anyone can say whatever they want. That's the way it goes.

And lastly was a guy who said I'm full of shit when it comes to Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) because he's never had a "slave" as a masseuse. Well you stupid prick - they don't wear chains around their ankles if that's what it takes to convince you. But when 6 women are in this country illegally, and are shipped across 3 states to live inside a brothel NOT to make money but just to pay off a debt - well that's as close to slavery as we get around these parts.

Oh - and when their Mama-san is murdered because she attracted too much police attention - I guess that's not proof of mob involvement either. It's obviously just the ramblings of a man who can't make up any more good handjob stories. Grrrrrrrrr...

CJ

The ATM

With every rule there is an exception - and this applies to my whole 5 Stages of dating thing. I know I've beaten this topic to death, and I swear this will be the last of it (for now). But all our talk this week reminded me about this girl I used to work with.

I used to know "Cynthia" at the old Business. She massaged by day and danced at night, so at the end of any given evening, she was coming home with a boatload of cash. And let me say that she deserved it with all the hours that she worked.

Her husband loved it too. "Bradley" was that rare breed of guy who actually got off on what his wife did for a living and would brag to all his friends about his little "ATM" as he used to affectionately call her.

He loved his little ATM and did not mind one little bit what she did for a living because what she did for a living paid for his truck, and car, and motorcycle, and jet ski, and snowmobile, and all his other little toys and party lifestyle. And Bradley did have it good. His income combined with hers made for a pretty sweet lifestyle.

He was totally cool with what she did and had no jealous feelings. He knew that she wasn't a full service masseuse, and there was nothing threatening going on at the strip club. I guess you could say he was perpetually stuck in Stage 1. And what guy wouldn't be turned on by a wife that gave awesome handjobs and then shaked her ass in lingerie afterwards? Now it would be pretty cool at this point if I could say that she also brought girls home for him to mess around with, but that wasn't the case (if you want that, go read Penthouse Forum). They were just a regular ole husband and wife.

Until...

I left the Old Business before she did so I don't know how her story ends. But when I did leave, things had just started to get interesting. Cynthia was doing exactly what her Bradley should have been worried about all along - she was cheating on him with a customer (strip club, not parlor). He was a Sugar Daddy that she eventually fell for.

And that isn't even the weird part. The weird part is that the Sugar Daddy had gone so far as to befriend the husband, just so he could spend as much time as possible around Cynthia. And it worked out - for a while. They would all spend time together partying. And then it happened...

"... Hey Cynthia, why don't you and your friend fuck while I watch?"

Cynthia told me it was the hardest thing she ever had to do - have sex with her lover in front of her husband, and pretend like it was the first time. Apparently the Sugar Daddy felt the same way.

Now you would think that this was probably the absolute coolest thing that could have happened to Cynthia - two lovers fucking in broad daylight and the husband is OK with it. She did admit it was fun at first but over time it just became sick and twisted. Her feelings of guilt quickly changed over to feelings of disgust towards Bradley. How could he want to watch his wife have sex with another man?

I know all this sounds totally bizarre, but it's exactly where it left off when I lost contact with her. "Cynthia" - if you're out there, I hope everything worked out for you. Last thing she said to me before I quit that job was that she was thinking of leaving her husband for the Sugar Daddy.

OK, so I am totally done with talking about relationships for now. I promise to get back to good old fashioned handjob stories and secrets by next week.

CJ

So You Think You Can Date An Erotic Masseuse?

Well my first advice column seems to have been a big hit - so I might do it again in the near future. I have to admit though that the topic of dating is an uncomfortable one for me. As you are all painfully aware, I do not discuss ANYTHING work related with the guys that I date. That way I can completely avoid the 5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse. We'll just bicker, argue and break up like any other ordinary couple.

And it was while I was thinking of a thoughtful response to this guys problem that I had this startling realization:

I would not date me.

By that, I don't mean no one should ever ask me out. What I mean is that I couldn't date a guy who would willingly go out with a girl who does erotic massage for a living. Let me explain...

First off, for anyone who doesn't understand what erotic massage is, I would expect the 5 Stages to kick in. And thus dating me would be a slowly turning death spiral of regret and dispair that could only end in heartache and tragedy.

Now second and most importantly, for anyone who DOES understand what I do for a living, it obviously means that you frequent massage parlors and I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors.

Does that make me a hypocrite? TOTALLY. I must be the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet for not wanting to date anyone who has actually used my services! I'm sorry, but that's they way I feel. I don't want a guy who goes to massage parlors. I know what goes on in them! And I should know - I work in one.

Trina and I had a big argument about this. She's been dating this guy on and off for years and they've been stuck in Stage 4 for most of it. She says they're fine - but I say it's only because they haven't progressed to Stage 5 yet. They get together for a while, he gets jealous, calls her some names, they take a break and then it repeats all over again.

What Trina pointed out to me was this - if I can't date a guy who discovers I work in a parlor, and I can't date a guy who already knows I work in a parlor, that only leaves one other option - guys who read the blog, but have never been to a parlor, and are cool with it.

THAT fucked with my head.

I could never date a reader because they know TOO much about me! I'm sure there are some fantastic guys out there, but I've revealed too much as it is. I've given you guys a completely uncensored look at what goes on behind those dark curtains. You may think that you've heard all the stories and are OK with it, but the reality of me coming home after a hard days work and greeting you with "...not right now dear... I have to wash the semen off my breasts..." would probably not fit your definition of domestic bliss.

So I have determined that the perfect scenario for me would be to meet a newbie who had never been to a massage parlor before. He would become a Regular, but would never ask for anything freaky. Slowly we would become friends and he would vow never to see any other masseuse again. Only then would he ask me out and we would fall in love before he reveals to me that he's actually the king of an island in the Pacific and he wants me to be his benevolent queen.

Now before you all start accusing me of having totally unrealistic standards of dating, let me just say that the location of the island really isn't that important.

CJ

Dear CJ.............

Hey guys,
I'm going to do something different this week. I got this email recently from a guy seeking advice on dating an erotic masseuse. If this works out maybe I'll do more posts like this. Think of me as like a Dear Abby, but with handjobs.

I thought this would be interesting to talk about since I am probably the worst person in the world to ask for dating advice. As you may have noticed, I really really really don't like to talk about my dating life. If anything, I may be the perfect example on what NOT to do. But I'll try my best to give honest advice.


"Hi there. I've been reading your blog for about a month now after finding out that someone I've been seeing for a while (and I think I'm in love with) is also an erotic masseuse.

Finding this out has absolutely destroyed me, and completely fucked up the relationship. I've never been against prostitution and always took the stance that whatever two consenting adults do with their own bodies is their business and should be their decision. But finding out that someone who I know and care about does it has completely thrown that perception (along with my perception of her) on it's ear.

I really do care about this girl but I find myself thinking horrible things about her...that she's lying about the extent of what she does, that she is some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck, out of my league, slutty, promiscuous, possessed of low self-esteem and daddy issues, a bitch,
and on and on and on. And the sad thing is that before this I thought of her as a sweet, sexy, innocent, kind of dorky, kind person. It's as if all the things I have thought about her are impossible for me to think of her as now, and trust is basically impossible.

It really sucks because I felt like I was falling deeply in love with her before and now I just don't know how to deal with it. It's also incredibly confusing because even though it makes everything else in the relationship harder, it's also a huge turn on, even though I wind up feeling used and just lied to.

I always wonder about the regulars, about little extras, about moments during the massage where she actually has a good time. It's torture but I can't stop seeing her, although I'm thinking that it's not something that is going to be sustainable if things don't change somehow. There are moments where I absolutely hate her for it, for a variety of reasons from sexual to financial insecurity (I'm a poor college student and she can make 500 in a good night), but it also feels like if I can learn to accept her and trust her I could have something meaningful with probably the most sexually exciting woman I've ever met. Seriously, I'm dying here. HELP!"


Well let me start off my saying your initial reaction is pretty much exactly what I've seen whenever I've told a potential boyfriend about what I do. In fact I call that "Stage 2" of the "5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse."

Stage 1 - The Turn On
Stage 2 - Distrust
Stage 3 - Jealousy
Stage 4 - Accusations
Stage 5 - Breakup
You've obviously been through Stage 1. At first guys are usually turned on by my admission to what I do for a living. "I'm totally cool with that..." "Man that's hot!..." and even "Would you do that for me?" are some of the typical first responses. The problem though is that guys assume that if your job is sleazy, then you must also be sleazy. And sleazy is always a turn on - at first.

This leads me to Stage 2 - which you are obviously at. Distrust raises its ugly head shortly after the initial turn on. Guys start to assume that just because I'm having sex with them, I'm probably having sex with every customer who walks through my door. I know she claims to be a handjob only masseuse, but how can you really be sure? Two naked adults, alone in a room with soft lighting, and all that baby oil - how could they NOT be having a sex!

You seem on the verge of Stage 3 - jealousy. This is where you guys get it all wrong. What I do for a living is a job - nothing more. The happy ending is merely mechanical for me.

1) Up.
2) Down.
3) Repeat as necessary.

It's you guys that want to attach some kind of significance to it. I swear, sometimes guys are worse than girls when it comes to dealing with sex. Now if your girlfriend works in a handjob only parlor, then she's probably not lying when she says nothing goes on between her and the customers.

Are you worried that she might have a "good time" (Gawd forbid) at work? I really thought that was a strange choice of words. If she were a waitress and had a "good time" at work one day, would that mean she's in love with her customers? It's the same thing... I hope to get through my day with a smile on my face, but it doesn't mean I have to have a romantic "moment" with a customer. Heck - I'm happy if a customer just cracks jokes during his session.

One comparison that might help is how would you feel if your girlfriend were a stripper? A stripper's job is to give guys hard-ons. Sure she shakes her ass as part of the job description, but can you do that mechanically without being involved with the customer? Oh you bet - just ask any stripper! As a matter of fact, I dare you to find any stripper who can't manage to give more then 3 lap dances without falling in love with her customer.

One thing you said that I thought was interesting was whether your girlfriend is "some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck." This plays to the whole myth that sex workers (or women in general) have some sort of magical power over men. I hate to burst your bubble, but married guys who want a hand release from someone who's NOT their wife is a marketable commodity just like anything else. Your girlfriend brings home $500 a night because guys REALLY LIKE HANDJOBS - not because she has ulterior motives of enslaving men and unravelling the fabric of polite society.

You're not quite at Stage 4 yet - Accusations. Which is a good thing because your relationship can still be saved. At this point you basically cave in to all your insecurities and become convinced that she really is cheating on you every chance she gets. You can tell that a guy has reached this stage because the word "whore" becomes a major part of his vocabulary.

It's not a very pretty stage, and it's not too long before you finally hit Stage 5 - Breakup.

Of course if she's working in a full service parlor then chances are she is lying to you and getting laid a couple times a day. But like I said before, it's probably mechanical and she doesn't enjoy it - unlike with you.

And that's my 2 cents. Hope this helps!

CJ

Confessions Of A Really Bad Hooker

I had the most interesting conversation with Cindy the other day on how she got into the whole escort service thing. I forget what brought it up, but it's something I've always been curious about. I mean giving strange men handjobs in the comfort of my session room is one thing, but meeting strange men in hotel rooms for sex is a whole other league (at least in my humble opinion). According to her, she just kinda fell into it. So how exactly do you "fall into" hooking?, I asked. I have to admit she had a pretty good answer.

This was back a number of years ago now, when she had left The Business and was pretty deep in her drug problem. She was living with another girl at the time who was "dating" (as she called it) as a sort of night job. Gidget (as we will call her) placed ads on the internet and then met guys in local hotels.

Well when you're a jobless drug addict, the life of an escort starts to look glamorous. So Cindy said she took the plunge like this... one day she was home and heard the answering machine pick up. It was a new guy asking to see Gidget for the first time. It turns out Cindy recognized the guys voice - so she picked up the phone and pretended to be Gidget!

Luckily the guy was pleasantly surprised that they knew each other already. So they arranged a price and a meeting. However, since Cindy basically stole the customer right out from under her roommate, she really had no idea how to get new ones. So for a couple of weeks, she basically just continued to intercept messages during the day, and then delete them before anyone got home.

She also had the foresight to pick the guys brains on how they found "Gidget" so eventually Cindy learned enough about the internet to start placing her own ads. Now I've mentioned before that Cindy isn't the brightest of bulbs. And a woman who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon is bound to make a few mistakes.

Cindy placed her first ad in the "Dating" personals.

She met a nice guy named "Tom" and exchanged a few messages with him before deciding to meet at a local sports bar. They exchanged a few pleasantries over a drink. Tom was being very chatty and asked her about her family and what she did for a living, etc. So when Tom spit out his drink after she asked him if he wanted a blowjob in the car or the full hour session at his place, she started to suspect that there might be a slight misunderstanding here.

Tom was on a date. Cindy was at a business meeting. Fortunately, Tom quickly recovered his composure and then considered this his lucky day since he realized he was going to get lucky - guaranteed.

They worked out the details and decided they couldn't go back to his place since his mom was home (I mentioned how this was his lucky day, didn't I?). Instead they went to hers with the understanding that he was not to talk to Gidget if she was home since she didn't know of Cindy's new occupation.

Now the way Cindy described it, her room wasn't clean. Ever been in the home of a drug addict? It's never something out of Martha Stewart magazine. It smelled of cigarettes, and probably had drug paraphenelia lying around. Tom didn't care, so they started going at it right there. Cindy said the whole thing was over so quickly that she almost felt bad for the guy. Tom didn't care though - he was just glad to have had the most successful first date of his entire life.

But now that they were done with business, they realized that they never actually ate anything at the bar. So They ended up going back out to grab a bite to eat. They went to a local diner where Tom opened his wallet for what was now the 3rd time. Ironically, by the end of the evening, Cindy was on a date and Tom was at a business meeting.

Eventually, Tom became her first Regular, and she became his "rental girlfriend." She said there were times they'd actually do dinner, a movie and sex just like real couples (except for the cash on the nightstand afterwards of course). They saw each other for several months before she went off the deep end with the drugs. She hasn't spoken to him since.

Let me tell ya, there have been days when I've thought that would be a sweet arrangement. Especially if the guy looked like Brad Pitt.

CJ

Massage Parlor Secret #9 - The Bargain Massage

I'm back at work, but I'm still not feeling great. I just don't have much energy to put into my massages. I have to keep apologizing to customers for my lack of endurance. I'm good for about 15-20 minutes, then my arms go out. I've even been discouraging customers from taking 1 hour sessions (unless they're mutuals) because I'm just not up to it.

So this brings me to todays topic, which I actually got from a customer yesterday. I know that this blog is supposed to be about massage parlor secrets, so I'm going to reluctantly give you one today. And I say "reluctantly" because it's a scam that works well at Asian places.

If you're JUST looking for a decent massage at a discount price, then sometimes a massage parlor is your best bet. A spa may charge you $60 - $90 for a 1 hour therapeutic, while a massage parlor may only charge $30-$60. For example, you might see an ad in the back of the paper offering "1 hour massage for only $30!" This amount is just to get you in the door. The $30 probably all goes to the house and the masseuse will make her money offering you options and extras.

This is where the scam comes in...

Forget EVERYTHING I told you about how to act cool in a massage parlor. After you agree to a price, tell them:

1) This is your first time here.
2) You've never had a therapeutic massage before.

In other words, make it obvious you are a newbie looking for a therapeutic massage. This will set off all their red flags and they will go into "Legit" mode. So instead of sending you off with the next girl in rotation, they fetch the one backup girl who actually knows what she's doing.

Remember - you've just set off their alarms, so they need to convince you that they're a legitimate massage practice. Giving you a girl with giant implants dressed in lingerie who rubs your shoulders half-heartedly for a few minutes isn't going to cut it. Now they trot out the homely girl in back who's actually skilled in genuine therapy techniques.

Bingo.

I used to be that girl (only not so homely) at the last place I worked. They used to drag me out for anyone requesting a therapeutic, or just looking suspicious. I used to hate it because I'd never get tipped.

Customers tell me that this trick works particularly well at Asian massage parlors (AMPs) because they often advertise very low prices just to get you in the door. They can afford to because the house pockets the tip money as well. The customer I was talking to yesterday about this said he once got a fantastic massage from a woman who really knew what she was doing. Ugly as hell, but used her feet and everything on him.

I'm not advocating anyone going to an AMP, but if your purpose is to get a bargain therapeutic from them, then I won't blame you.

Now of course this trick isn't foolproof. Some places may try to hit you up with other "fees" when they realize you're not dropping $$$ for a happyending. Or all their girls may be suddenly "busy" when they realized you're only looking for a therapeutic. But, it's worth a shot - especially if they want to appear legit.

And the last piece of advice i will give you (so none of my colleagues out there will get too mad at me for revealing this secret) is to PLEASE tip your masseuse for therapeutics. $20 is my recommended amount. Most of the time we're not expecting it, and it would really make our day.

CJ

Sex Addicts

Hey Guys! My allergies are really acting up, so I've been off work the last 2 days. I think The Business can survive without me for a few days in the very capable hands (pun intended) of Trina and Cindy. And maybe very soon we'll finally meet the mysterious new girl that Audrey has picked out for us.

So in the meanwhile I wanted to talk about "Sex Addicts" since it's all in the news. Now let me get this straight - if a guy cheats on his wife, he just calls himself a sex addict, goes to rehab, then everything is fine? It's not his fault, but an "addiction?" Well if sex is an addiction, then I guess that makes me one of the biggest dealers in town considering all the married men who come in as customers.

Look - getting a hand release every now and then at the hands of a professional is hardly signs of an addiction. If you're married is that cheating? I think so, but it's still no where near an addiction. I've seen real sex addicts, and it's got nothing to do with cheating on your spouse.

Here at The Business I've seen 2 types of people I would call sex addicts. The first is what I would call the "Happy Ending Addict." This is the guy who loves his first happy ending so much, he just can't stop. These are customers who quickly turn into Regulars. And I don't mean every month, or even every week. I've seen guys who would come in almost every day. It never lasts very long because they run out of money, but they run their course in 2-3 weeks. They're like handjob junkies - they spend all their time thinking about their next fix.

Then there are the guys that I would call genuine sex addicts. These guys just have this total obsession with getting off. And they don't care whether it's by their hand or someone else's - they just need to have a constant series of orgasms. I've seen a few customers like this in my colorful history. They usually request the happy ending up front (not an unusual a request). But afterwards they will masterbate during the massage.

I had one guy - and I SWEAR this is true - who got off 6 times during the course of a one hour massage. My hands weren't tired because I only did the first one. The other 5 he took care of while I massaged him. He even asked me if it was OK, and I told him he could knock himself out - makes my job easier. And in case you were wondering... there was no cum to speak of. Each orgasm was dry.

Now THAT is what I call sex addiction. Jesse James and Tiger Woods sleeping with a bunch of strippers - that's just boys being boys.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Fag Hag

I got a lot of interesting responses from you guys about identifying massage parlors. That Craigslist ad is a perfect example of what I was talking about. It was one of those that does a good job of saying it without saying it. Know what I mean?

What really clues you in are the photos. Posting a Glamour Shot is one thing, but bending over and showing cleavage? That's not for Grandma's benefit.

Now the big red flag for me was the phrase "draping optional." I've heard of this technique used by independent erotic masseuses. Basically it's her code word for happy ending. If you ask for "draping" (a towel wrapped around your waist) you're looking for a therapeutic massage only. If you decline the drape (letting it all hang out) then she opens the door to a world of sensual delights...

A legit masseuse would never offer you a draping option. Believe me - she doesn't need to see your junk to do her job. In fact, the various techniques to keep you covered are part of our training. There are even some massage styles that have the body being completely covered except for the specific region that's being massaged.

But what I really wanted to talk about today is our gay customers. We're in a small town out in the suburbs so there's no visible "gay community" to speak of. You really have to be in Philly before you'll see anyone who's out of the closet.

In other words, everyone is pretty closeted out here. There are parlors that cater to gay men, but you have to be in the city to find one. So out here in the boondocks, what are you gonna do if you're a gay man and you really really really want a professional handjob? You go to the nearest source of professional handjob givers - the local massage parlor!

Think of it this way... If you're a guy and you really needed a sports massage, you'd probably turn to a masseur because he's an expert at what he does and men tend to be better at sports massage because of the techniques it requires.

Same thing applies to handjobs. Each of us girls here at The Business have our own little group of gay Regulars. None of mine have ever made "Freak of the Week" because they never ask for anything weird. Remember my FOTW - Tony and Tina? Even that guy was straight - he just enjoyed wearing women's clothing.

Some of my gay customers take a fully clothed option with happy ending because they have no interest in the view. But believe it or not, most take either a topless or G-string. Most common answer? They love the look of the female body. They never touch me, but they do enjoy looking. Go figure.

I like the gay customers because they're always respectful, tip well, and usually great conversation. I would even go so far as to say the most business like. They never have issues about what we will or won't do. They never try to haggle over price. And the nicest thing of all is they never grab your ass or pester you for full service.

Customer wants a 30 minute topless session, doesn't pinch me, and compliments my hair? - gay guy.

Customer wants a 30 minute nude session while wearing an adult diaper and calling me "mommy," THEN tries to shortchange me? - straight guy.

You can call me a Fag Hag any day.

CJ

The Grandma Test or How To Spot A Massage Parlor

The other day one of you guys asked if I've ever heard of a "four hands" massage and whether that's legit or not.

Think about it - 2 girls rubbing you down and you're wondering if it's legit? Questions like this made me think it's a good time to refresh your memories on the finer points of finding a massage parlor.

But first in answer to your question, yes - we call that a "double" here at The Business. When 2 girls are working you at the same time, one usually massages the legs while the other does the upper body. This way we don't keep bumping into each other while working.

When it comes to the happy ending, usually 1 girl takes over while the other girl teases the guy. I know most guys have this fantasy about 4 hands working their cock at the same time. BUT - the reality is that most guys don't have enough cock to make it happen. And there are the problems of getting the timing perfect during the jerking motion. If the 2 of you are not synchronized just right, it's basically torture for the guy (picture 4 hands colliding all over your dick - not a pretty picture).

One girl handles the dick while the other girl teases the guy to speed things up. If teasing's my job, I'll usually rub his chest or thighs, or maybe rake my fingernails over them. If the customer asks, I'll stand by his head and rub The Girls in has face, or let him fondle them. Either way, the 2-girl happy ending is usually pretty quick.

Now back to the problem of identifying a massage parlor. Let's use the 4-hand massage as an example, shall we?

The Grandma Test
Therapeutic massage is essentially about pain relief and/or relaxation. Most legit massage providers go out of their way to stress this. So When a place advertises in such a way to imply a sensual or erotic experience, it's probably a massage parlor. Advertising 2 girls rubbing you down is obviously meant to titilate (pun fully intended). Legit places will actually go out of their way to let you know they are NOT a massage parlor too. So in a way, they're making the search easier for you!

Here's another way to think about it - would the advertisement appeal to your grandmother? We'll call it the "Grandma Test." Words and phrases that may interest your grandma include:

Therapeutic
Aromatherapy
Essential Oils and Moisturizers
Hot Stones/Mud/Seaweed/etc.
Licensed
Swedish
Stress-relief
References to male staff

On the flip side, here are some words and phrases that might not interest grandma, but may be of interest to her horny grandson...

Non-therapeutic
Accupressure
24 Hour
Secure Parking
"European" or "Asian" staff
Health Spa
References to ALL female staff

"Accupressure" is the biggest crock-o-shit of all. It basically means pressure accurately applied to your dick. Any place that advertises an all European or Asian staff is definitely a massage parlor where the "European" and "Asian" merely refers to which mafia runs it.

Now "spa" can go either way. But when coupled with the word "health," it usually means parlor. And finally - any place that makes it a point of referring to their all female staff is probably a massage parlor. Look for things like "... let our girls take care of you..." etc. Like I said before, if it sounds sexy - it's probably not legit.

Here's another example... Recently a reader sent me a link to a massage provider and asked if it was legit. he was confused because it looked like they were trying too hard to claim they were. To me it was obvious in 2 seconds - they had men on their staff.

So that's your lesson for today. Any questions about specific locations, feel free to send me the link. Happy hunting!

CJ

The Coup

Trina and Cindy know about this blog, and even occasionally read it. Well this week they got a big kick over all the talk about me taking over The Business.

And I mean a REALLY big kick. In fact, it was all they talked about for a couple of days. Yeah - we've all had fantasies about ditching Audrey and doing our own thing. Hell, Cindy and I once talked about leaving everything behind for Vegas and becoming high-priced call girls.

Ahhhhhh... good times... good times.

Anyway, this time the idle chit-chat wasn't so idle. They both approached me and said they would back me 100% if I decided to jump ship and start up a new place. They didn't care much for this location and insisted we move across town to a more central spot with better access to the freeway.

Of course they would suggest that - it's MY money they're spending on this move. But they do have a point. In fact, it was Cindy of all people who pointed out that this would be the perfect time to start fresh because:

1) Commercial rents are cheap
2) Audrey has no interest in coming back
3) Recent parlor crackdown has other girls ready to join us
4) Half our competition has been shut down, so all their customers are free for the taking

And this was Cindy who had this sudden insight. The same Cindy who has trouble spelling her own name. The same Cindy that once insisted a sweater on sale for 50% off with a coupon for 50% off was 100% off. The same Cindy who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon. You get the picture.

Of course after Cindy made this intelligent and well thought out argument, I had to turn to Trina to verify I wasn't hearing things. "She's right you know" was all she had to add. This is the problem when you work with your friends - it's hard to just dismiss them.

So I caught myself the other day looking at the phone numbers of the 3 girls who recently applied for work here. They were all experienced erotic masseuses. They were ready for something new. Heck - a brand new Business with 6 girls ready to absorb the customers from FOUR other parlors plus all our current Regulars? Shit - that's tempting. I mean really really tempting.

And that's what's going through my mind this weekend. A LOT to think about.


CJ

Another One Bites The Dust

Well another AMP (Asian Massage Parlor) got taken down last week. No crackdown my ass (no pun intended). Anyway, I say good riddance. You guys out there know how I feel about the AMPs.

The bad thing is that our business took a dive after they got shut down, but that's typical. But by this weekend, everything should be back to normal. And the good thing is that with another competitor gone, we'll eventually see that bump of customers looking for a new place to call home.

But one thing I wasn't expecting to see was a bump in girls looking for work. Remember last week I mentioned that Audrey found someone to help out? Well ever since then, it's like we've had a "we're hiring" sign in our window. Of course it never rains but it pours.

What's interesting though is that I've since spoken with 3 girls FROM OTHER PARLORS. Turns out that with the recent crackdown, all the local full service places are scared shitless. These girls just wanted to lay low for a while and give the full service thing a rest until things blow over.

My guess is that things will finally blow over by the next election. Crackdowns almost always coincide with someone's political campaign. Ever notice how all the potholes on your street get fixed before election day?

Anyway, it's probably best that I'm not hiring anyone now. Full service girls sometimes have problems stepping down to hand-release only - especially when their Regulars start showing up from the old business. Old habits are hard to die.

As for us here at The Business, I actually had what you could call my first ever "Employee Meeting." In light of recent events, the 3 of us sat down the other day and went over ways we can protect ourselves from getting in trouble.

Meeting Agenda: Official Procedures For Offering A Happy Ending

Topics of Discussion:
1) Newbies - no options offered on 1st visit until further notice. NO EXCEPTIONS.
2) ALWAYS give the speech - "If there is any additional area of your body you wish to be massaged, please indicate by placing my hand there..."
3) No references to tipping on phone calls.
4) Conservative dress code re-established until further notice (Gawd - I'm starting to even sound like Audrey)

So we basically just went over everything we should be doing anyway to throw off anyone who's snooping around. The biggest thing we can do to protect ourselves really is to just be extra careful with the newbies. Anyone whatsoever who gives us a weird vibe will get therapeutic only - even after a 2nd or 3rd visit. We all know the drill and I trust Trina and Cindy to be well behaved for the time being. This isn't the first time The Business has gone into "Double Super Secret" mode.

So don't go expecting to see me on the 9 o'clock news with a towel thrown over my head as I'm being lead into a patrol car any time soon...........

CJ

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I swear I can't even see straight right now... WAAAAAAY over did last night. And in my inexperienced managerial role, I made the mistake of scheduling myself off yesterday, but on today. BIG mistake - should have done it the other way around. So instead of drinking all day followed by working all day, I should have drank all NIGHT followed by sleeping all day.

Is this the kind of stuff they teach you in business school?

Anyway, let me make this short so I can go back to drinking my 7up and eating my plain crackers...

Audrey told me to stop looking for a new girl because she thinks she found someone. At this point, I don't really care either way. I mean, I've been looking (kinda) but without much luck. But the last time Audrey brought in a "friend" it turned out to be her slutty younger sister. She was sooooo bad that she was offering full service within her first month with us.

It took A LOT of complaining before Audrey finally had the guts to fire her. I think it finally happened with Audrey realized her own customers were abandoning her for Slutty Sis.

Whatever. I don't care. I just work here, right?

Anyway - I hope you guys all had fun yesterday drinking green beer and singing songs.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Chicken Fucker

I hate living out in the country. Wait - let me rephrase that... sometimes I hate living out in the country. I guess we're more of a suburb, but with all the mushroom farms and whatnot around here we may as well be in Alabama.

Our clientele is about half blue collar, half white collar. But every now and then you get the down-on-the-farm guys. Not that there's anything wrong with them... it's just that occasionally you get a guy who considers our little town as "The Big City."

Take Cletus for example. Nice guy who came in last Thursday. He was a newbie to The Business, but he obviously knew his way around a massage parlor. Funny guy too, kept telling jokes - I like that. It's nice when the newbies put me at ease, and Cletus was just one of those likeable kinda guys.

He took a 30 minute topless session which went just fine. Nothing out of the usual, except that he kept talking and making wise-cracks during the session. Even during his hand release, he made a joke about "choking the chicken." A country guy to the bone (pun intended).

Well as he was getting dressed and I was cleaning up inside the room, Cletus asked "Hey... do you know how to fuck a chicken?"

I had never heard that particular joke before, so I was game. "Uh no..." I was already smiling since I knew his zingers were pretty good. "Tell me - how do you fuck a chicken?"

So he told me.

For the next 10 incredibly uncomfortable yet fascinating minutes, Cletus explained to me in excruciating detail how you literally fuck a chicken.

Apparently you just don't grab it and stick your dick in (not that I had really given any thought before to the mechanics of chicken fucking). There's this whole thing you have to do with tying the legs in just the right way so you can fasten the chicken around your waist. That way it keeps it's legs apart so you can fuck it easier. And the frantic flapping motion of the wings means that the chicken does most of the work for you.

If you think what I just wrote is disturbing, try standing in front of a guy who's telling you this in a serious tone of voice. Imagine the Hannibal Lecter of chickens. He weirded me out to the point that I had to weird out you guys just to get some of the weirdness off of me. Brrrrrrrrr.

Now go back to whatever it was that you were doing and pretend like you never read this - The Silence of the Chickens.

CJ

HappyEndingz - Under New Management

Well yes and no. It's official and it's unofficial. Last night Audrey offered to sell me The Business.

It's really not that big of a deal - she's done it before. And each time I've taken it with a grain of salt. The only true difference this time is that she hasn't set foot in here in what - 2 months now? And as of our last talk, she's not planning on setting foot again anytime in the near future.

So what should I do THIS time? Business is crap. In fact, I've been seriously thinking of taking a friend up on her offer to bartend a couple nights a week. I've tended bar before, so I wouldn't mind doing it again. Heck - the pay would be more stable than around here (and easier on my left hand).

Audrey threw some numbers around and I kinda half listened. Like I've said - she's done this before. So here is a list of pros and cons that I need to consider this time around:

ProsRecently renovated
Easily converted to tanning salon
Already includes a tanning booth
Location (great for a massage parlor)
Run with 3 person staff

Cons
Price
Location (bad for a tanning salon)
$$ to buy extra tanning booths
Not starting "fresh"

I've always wanted my own tanning salon, and somehow this wouldn't be the same. And Audrey is still delusional over what the worth of this place is. But if she came down in price, I would definitely reconsider. In this business, what you're paying for isn't just a couple of rooms and massage tables.

Since advertising is so hard to do and clientile are difficult to establish what you're paying for is the name and reputation. Our customers know that this business at this location provides happy endings. That's why massage parlors often start up at the exact same location of old parlors - reputation. It's like built in advertising. I could even pack up and move, but as long as I take the same name with me the customers will be able to find us (eventually). Sucks not being able to advertise like everyone else.

If I didn't want this place, I could start my own, but then I face the problem of trying to rebuild the customer base. You can't exactly open up the books and start calling customers at home ("Hello? Mrs. Johnson? Could you tell Harvey that Fantasia, Candy, and Paradise have moved and would love to see him at our new location in the K-mart plaza behind Joe's Welding Supply?").

While I had Audrey on the phone, we also talked about the fate of our competitor that got busted. Turns out she knows some history about the owners of that place and she was only surprised this didn't happen earlier.

So there you have it - the news is out there and I would really appreciate your input. I mean, I've been seriously thinking of my escape plan for a couple years now, and then this happens. It's like Karma keeps me tied to the massage table. Or am I just making excuses not to make the tough decision and just leave?

What do you guys think? You've been following this drama for a couple years now so you probably know as much about it as I do!

CJ

The Crackdown

One of the biggest topics of conversation around here lately is the recent crackdown on local parlors. At least we use the word "crackdown" but the local police chief denies it.

You see, it works like this... The local authorities really don't give a rats ass about the parlors around here. In fact, some of our nicest Regulars are local cops. And the town doesn't really care because we pay our taxes just like everyone else and we take up retail rental space that no one else wants.

Well last year the authorities raided a couple of the local Asian places because of concerns of human trafficking. Now for those of you "hobbyists" out there who still insist that there's no such thing, and all their girls are happy-go-lucky workers following time-honored Asian traditions of pleasing men - none of the girls were local. In fact, it turns out they were all trucked in from NYC and the Businesses were little more than fronts for the Asian mob. The girls were hauled off to jail and the parlors were shut down. Then a couple months later, the "Mama-san" of one of the places was found murdered.

Do I still need to convince you guys to buy American?

The place that was busted recently was not Asian, but employed all local girls. It's familiar to us, but none of us personally know any of the girls who were arrested; which is not unusual since there's a high turnover of girls in this business - especially in the full service places. That particular business is, for lack of a better word, a shithole. It's a dirty full service parlor and the girls there are known for being skanks.

We know this from the gossip we get from friends at other Businesses and customers who've been there. The guys have said that over the last year it went downhill and it was pretty much just sex only with no massage. And when a place turns from massage parlor to brothel, masseuses are replaced by drug addicts, dealers are setting up shop in the parking lots, crime goes up in the neighborhood, the locals finally complain, and BANG - you're busted.

You really have to be making waves before the cops are willing to put down the donuts long enough to do an investigation. So when 3 customers with cropped hair come in, take full sessions from 3 different girls, and then REFUSE their happy endings - it's time to clock out and not come back to work for a few days.

Oh - and that bullshit about a cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask? That's pure Hollywood fiction. What they can't do is take the happy ending. Testifying in court how you let the "suspect" go down on you while undercover doesn't fly with too many cop-wives.

But it's not like we don't get hassled every now and then. Once in a while someone will call the cops and say they "suspect" something, and then a cruiser ends up parked in our front lot for 2 days. It slows down business for a bit, but then it all blows over and everything is back to normal in a few days.

The last time someone called the cops on us, it was a customer. He was one of those nuts that comes in and DEMANDS full service when he knows nothing about us. Well, Trina ended up throwing him out and he threatened to call the cops if we didn't service him.

We told him to go right ahead - and he did.

The local cops showed up and asked us what the problem was. He said he was reporting us for forcing ourselves on him - a good law-abiding citizen. We told them exactly what happened - this perv demanded full service and we said "no." The cops hauled him away in handcuffs for harassment.

Of course it helps when one of the guys who shows up is a friend of a friend. And I swear that Audrey knows every cop within a 3 town radius.

And that's my take on the "crackdown." Don't worry - I'm pretty sure we'll still be open tomorrow.

CJ

Questions and Answers...

THIS is why I didn't want to say anything about a guy I'm dating. I was afraid I'd start getting a ton of crap and lots and lots of questions that I probably don't want to deal with. But I kinda knew I was opening a Pandora's box by finally mentioning him, so I'll be a big girl and try to respond with maturity.

First off, let me clarify some things regarding the Playboy interview. Apparently this damn show is more popular than I could have imagined. The guys in Jason's shop listen to Howard Stern in the mornings, followed by the Playboy show, and finally Bubba in the afternoons. He said he was working and had tuned out the show when he thought he heard my voice. He started paying attention and just thought it was funny that some girl on the radio kinda sounded like me. He later told me this story because he thought it was funny.

I did not.

After the interview, I had like 3 or 4 people ask if it was me (including 1 close friend and 1 customer). I had no clue ANYONE listened to this damn show. And that's why I made the decision then and there I couldn't do it anymore. They wanted me on the next week since my call was cut so short, but I had to tell them no. Which is a shame because I had fun and it would have gotten me lots of new readers. Believe me, it wasn't easy to drop it, but I was scared shitless for a couple of days until it all blew over.

Now another thing I want to point out is that he's not my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other but it's not to the point where we're using those kinds of terms yet. And when it does, I have no reason to confess anything to him since I've never confessed anything to anyone I've ever dated. Hell, I've lived with guys who had no idea what I really did for a living!

So don't expect any heart wrenching "confessions" from me to him any time soon. Of course if he were to discover the truth on his own - won't that make for a great story?

Now on to your questions...

Very few guys I've dated have known I'm a masseuse - and those that did just assumed I was therapeutic. And no, I don't avoid HJ's or try to give more - it's pretty much just whatever fits for us at the time. And none of them have ever said to me "Gee... you're so good at that you should do it for a living!"

Have I ever met a friend of a friend who was a customer? Believe it or not, that had never happened. I have run into customers while out at the bar, and most of the time they just ignore me, or slink quietly away. I think they're definitely more nervous to be around me than I around them.

As for VD... If a guy looks particularly dirty to me, I'll usually just tell him therapeutic only.

Newbie question... It's not inappropriate to ask for glutes. Shit - I'm supposed to massage your dick at the end, so glutes are fine. Not requested often. In fact, if a customer wants some serious body work, all you have to do is ask. Truckers in particular have special requests regarding lower back and legs, and I do my best to help them out.

G-Dragon... We have strict rules about age at the Business. 21 and over. Catering to younger guys is just trouble, so it's not worth it.

And finally, to all of you wondering if I'll ever come clean to Jason. Who knows? But from my experience - it always ends badly.

CJ