Urban Legends

My previous topic got me thinking about other stories that float around the local businesses. We have our own set of local gossip and urban legends, so I thought I'd share them here since it's the kind of stuff that you'll never see on the internet (until now).

The Undercover Cop
This is more of a scam than an urban legend. Rumor has it that some guy has been going around pretending to be a cop in order to get out of paying for his sessions. The scam goes something like this...

He shows up at the front desk talking on his cell phone and acting all serious. In the room, he may pretend to be on his phone again. He doesn't put the money down first (scam artists NEVER do). Then immediately after the happy ending, he puts on a convincing show about how he's a cop, but he really really doesn't want to arrest you because you're such a "good girl." So after the masseuse is scared to death, he gives her a warning, then takes off without paying.

Hasn't happened to me, but I've heard it more than a few times lately. Remember ladies - ALWAYS take the money up front.

The Millionaire
Anna Nicole Smith is the patron saint of all strippers. She lived the dancers dream of actually marrying a rich customer. Well, we have an urban legend like her around here.

Supposedly there was a girl at a local business that had a millionaire as a Regular. I didn't know her (of course), and the story is always told by a friend of a friend of a friend who knows it's true.

Local wealthy guy goes to a massage parlor out of loneliness and falls in love with his masseuse. He makes an honest woman out of her, and now she's a local socialite hosting tea parties and running his massive business empire.

I call bullshit on this one. Now I'm sure there's some local businessman who has a wife who used to be an erotic masseuse, but that's probably where the story ends. But with each telling he gets richer and richer and she becomes fancier and fancier. The truth is probably closer to Gas Station Owner Knocks Up and Marries Local Masseuse. Occasionally she runs the cash register.

The Divorced Guy
A guy going through a messy divorce goes around town giving away all of his wife's jewelry to masseuses and escorts. Now this is a story that I think is true because it happened to a friend of mine.

Apparently a local guy discovered that his wife had been cheating on him, so they split. The divorce gets so ugly that the guy decides to take his revenge by taking all of her jewelry and then going on a happy ending spree.

The story is that he would take a session, but instead of paying in cash he would offer some super expensive bit of his wife's jewelry. I worked with a girl at the Old Business who got a pair of diamond earrings from this guy - that's why I know it really happened. Rumor has it he did this all over town and managed to clean out his wife of thousands of dollars worth of gold and gems.

OK - it's true that my friend got a pair of earrings from a customer. BUT let me tell you what I think really happened.

I think some local got hold of a large stash of cheap-ass costume jewelry. Then he came up with a convincing sob-story about where it came from and why he wants to unload it. And in the dim lighting of a session room, I'm sure any $10 trinket looks like a thousand bucks.

I never saw the earrings in question, but I'm sure they looked great in the dark. Heck, even I have a collection of jewelry I've gotten from customers. The difference is I won't take it as a tip.

So those are some of the best stories we tell each other after a hard day at work over a few drinks. Sometime after the 3rd shot the conversation always goes like "Didya hear about Candy...? You're not gonna believe this, BUT..."

And now that you've all read this on the internet it has to be true!

CJ

Will The Real CJ Please Stand Up?

This weekend I was surfing the web for any new references to me or the business. It's sometimes fun to see what you guys think of us, but occasionally it can be bad.

I did find some recent stuff on a couple of the massage websites, but luckily it wasn't too bad. Someone had some nice things to say about me and Cindy, and some nasty things to say about Trina. But what I found most interesting was a comment about the absence of Audrey. One guy talked about how happy he was that she was gone, so I can only assume that he'll be back more often.

What the heck??!! It's supposed to be about customer service... and people were starting to feel intimidated instead? That's why I'm soooooooooooooo glad that she's not coming back any time soon. I've been saying this for a while now - she was starting to turn bad for business.

Then for shits and grins I looked up any new references to "CJ" or the blog. A couple of people are still out there looking for me, and it's always fun to read the latest guesses. But this time I found some stuff that both pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time.

The first was a guy who said that "CJ" is obviously a man who just really enjoys making up stories about handjobs. That one really deserved a "ROFLMAO." Come on - two and a half years of handjob stories? That man would have to have one VIVID imagination to tell the same story a hundred different ways.

The next was a guy who said I obviously know nothing about massage parlors. Now that one just pissed me off. I've been doing this as a career for Gawds sake - and some shithead who probably goes to a parlor once a month is going to tell ME I don't know what I'm talking about??!!??!!

Look, I know he's full of crap and you know he's full of crap - but it just annoys me that he thinks he knows enough to criticize me to other people. Just the idea that someone would read that and believe he's right makes me angry. But then again, it's the internet and anyone can say whatever they want. That's the way it goes.

And lastly was a guy who said I'm full of shit when it comes to Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) because he's never had a "slave" as a masseuse. Well you stupid prick - they don't wear chains around their ankles if that's what it takes to convince you. But when 6 women are in this country illegally, and are shipped across 3 states to live inside a brothel NOT to make money but just to pay off a debt - well that's as close to slavery as we get around these parts.

Oh - and when their Mama-san is murdered because she attracted too much police attention - I guess that's not proof of mob involvement either. It's obviously just the ramblings of a man who can't make up any more good handjob stories. Grrrrrrrrr...

CJ

The ATM

With every rule there is an exception - and this applies to my whole 5 Stages of dating thing. I know I've beaten this topic to death, and I swear this will be the last of it (for now). But all our talk this week reminded me about this girl I used to work with.

I used to know "Cynthia" at the old Business. She massaged by day and danced at night, so at the end of any given evening, she was coming home with a boatload of cash. And let me say that she deserved it with all the hours that she worked.

Her husband loved it too. "Bradley" was that rare breed of guy who actually got off on what his wife did for a living and would brag to all his friends about his little "ATM" as he used to affectionately call her.

He loved his little ATM and did not mind one little bit what she did for a living because what she did for a living paid for his truck, and car, and motorcycle, and jet ski, and snowmobile, and all his other little toys and party lifestyle. And Bradley did have it good. His income combined with hers made for a pretty sweet lifestyle.

He was totally cool with what she did and had no jealous feelings. He knew that she wasn't a full service masseuse, and there was nothing threatening going on at the strip club. I guess you could say he was perpetually stuck in Stage 1. And what guy wouldn't be turned on by a wife that gave awesome handjobs and then shaked her ass in lingerie afterwards? Now it would be pretty cool at this point if I could say that she also brought girls home for him to mess around with, but that wasn't the case (if you want that, go read Penthouse Forum). They were just a regular ole husband and wife.

Until...

I left the Old Business before she did so I don't know how her story ends. But when I did leave, things had just started to get interesting. Cynthia was doing exactly what her Bradley should have been worried about all along - she was cheating on him with a customer (strip club, not parlor). He was a Sugar Daddy that she eventually fell for.

And that isn't even the weird part. The weird part is that the Sugar Daddy had gone so far as to befriend the husband, just so he could spend as much time as possible around Cynthia. And it worked out - for a while. They would all spend time together partying. And then it happened...

"... Hey Cynthia, why don't you and your friend fuck while I watch?"

Cynthia told me it was the hardest thing she ever had to do - have sex with her lover in front of her husband, and pretend like it was the first time. Apparently the Sugar Daddy felt the same way.

Now you would think that this was probably the absolute coolest thing that could have happened to Cynthia - two lovers fucking in broad daylight and the husband is OK with it. She did admit it was fun at first but over time it just became sick and twisted. Her feelings of guilt quickly changed over to feelings of disgust towards Bradley. How could he want to watch his wife have sex with another man?

I know all this sounds totally bizarre, but it's exactly where it left off when I lost contact with her. "Cynthia" - if you're out there, I hope everything worked out for you. Last thing she said to me before I quit that job was that she was thinking of leaving her husband for the Sugar Daddy.

OK, so I am totally done with talking about relationships for now. I promise to get back to good old fashioned handjob stories and secrets by next week.

CJ

So You Think You Can Date An Erotic Masseuse?

Well my first advice column seems to have been a big hit - so I might do it again in the near future. I have to admit though that the topic of dating is an uncomfortable one for me. As you are all painfully aware, I do not discuss ANYTHING work related with the guys that I date. That way I can completely avoid the 5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse. We'll just bicker, argue and break up like any other ordinary couple.

And it was while I was thinking of a thoughtful response to this guys problem that I had this startling realization:

I would not date me.

By that, I don't mean no one should ever ask me out. What I mean is that I couldn't date a guy who would willingly go out with a girl who does erotic massage for a living. Let me explain...

First off, for anyone who doesn't understand what erotic massage is, I would expect the 5 Stages to kick in. And thus dating me would be a slowly turning death spiral of regret and dispair that could only end in heartache and tragedy.

Now second and most importantly, for anyone who DOES understand what I do for a living, it obviously means that you frequent massage parlors and I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors.

Does that make me a hypocrite? TOTALLY. I must be the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet for not wanting to date anyone who has actually used my services! I'm sorry, but that's they way I feel. I don't want a guy who goes to massage parlors. I know what goes on in them! And I should know - I work in one.

Trina and I had a big argument about this. She's been dating this guy on and off for years and they've been stuck in Stage 4 for most of it. She says they're fine - but I say it's only because they haven't progressed to Stage 5 yet. They get together for a while, he gets jealous, calls her some names, they take a break and then it repeats all over again.

What Trina pointed out to me was this - if I can't date a guy who discovers I work in a parlor, and I can't date a guy who already knows I work in a parlor, that only leaves one other option - guys who read the blog, but have never been to a parlor, and are cool with it.

THAT fucked with my head.

I could never date a reader because they know TOO much about me! I'm sure there are some fantastic guys out there, but I've revealed too much as it is. I've given you guys a completely uncensored look at what goes on behind those dark curtains. You may think that you've heard all the stories and are OK with it, but the reality of me coming home after a hard days work and greeting you with "...not right now dear... I have to wash the semen off my breasts..." would probably not fit your definition of domestic bliss.

So I have determined that the perfect scenario for me would be to meet a newbie who had never been to a massage parlor before. He would become a Regular, but would never ask for anything freaky. Slowly we would become friends and he would vow never to see any other masseuse again. Only then would he ask me out and we would fall in love before he reveals to me that he's actually the king of an island in the Pacific and he wants me to be his benevolent queen.

Now before you all start accusing me of having totally unrealistic standards of dating, let me just say that the location of the island really isn't that important.

CJ

Dear CJ.............

Hey guys,
I'm going to do something different this week. I got this email recently from a guy seeking advice on dating an erotic masseuse. If this works out maybe I'll do more posts like this. Think of me as like a Dear Abby, but with handjobs.

I thought this would be interesting to talk about since I am probably the worst person in the world to ask for dating advice. As you may have noticed, I really really really don't like to talk about my dating life. If anything, I may be the perfect example on what NOT to do. But I'll try my best to give honest advice.


"Hi there. I've been reading your blog for about a month now after finding out that someone I've been seeing for a while (and I think I'm in love with) is also an erotic masseuse.

Finding this out has absolutely destroyed me, and completely fucked up the relationship. I've never been against prostitution and always took the stance that whatever two consenting adults do with their own bodies is their business and should be their decision. But finding out that someone who I know and care about does it has completely thrown that perception (along with my perception of her) on it's ear.

I really do care about this girl but I find myself thinking horrible things about her...that she's lying about the extent of what she does, that she is some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck, out of my league, slutty, promiscuous, possessed of low self-esteem and daddy issues, a bitch,
and on and on and on. And the sad thing is that before this I thought of her as a sweet, sexy, innocent, kind of dorky, kind person. It's as if all the things I have thought about her are impossible for me to think of her as now, and trust is basically impossible.

It really sucks because I felt like I was falling deeply in love with her before and now I just don't know how to deal with it. It's also incredibly confusing because even though it makes everything else in the relationship harder, it's also a huge turn on, even though I wind up feeling used and just lied to.

I always wonder about the regulars, about little extras, about moments during the massage where she actually has a good time. It's torture but I can't stop seeing her, although I'm thinking that it's not something that is going to be sustainable if things don't change somehow. There are moments where I absolutely hate her for it, for a variety of reasons from sexual to financial insecurity (I'm a poor college student and she can make 500 in a good night), but it also feels like if I can learn to accept her and trust her I could have something meaningful with probably the most sexually exciting woman I've ever met. Seriously, I'm dying here. HELP!"


Well let me start off my saying your initial reaction is pretty much exactly what I've seen whenever I've told a potential boyfriend about what I do. In fact I call that "Stage 2" of the "5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse."

Stage 1 - The Turn On
Stage 2 - Distrust
Stage 3 - Jealousy
Stage 4 - Accusations
Stage 5 - Breakup
You've obviously been through Stage 1. At first guys are usually turned on by my admission to what I do for a living. "I'm totally cool with that..." "Man that's hot!..." and even "Would you do that for me?" are some of the typical first responses. The problem though is that guys assume that if your job is sleazy, then you must also be sleazy. And sleazy is always a turn on - at first.

This leads me to Stage 2 - which you are obviously at. Distrust raises its ugly head shortly after the initial turn on. Guys start to assume that just because I'm having sex with them, I'm probably having sex with every customer who walks through my door. I know she claims to be a handjob only masseuse, but how can you really be sure? Two naked adults, alone in a room with soft lighting, and all that baby oil - how could they NOT be having a sex!

You seem on the verge of Stage 3 - jealousy. This is where you guys get it all wrong. What I do for a living is a job - nothing more. The happy ending is merely mechanical for me.

1) Up.
2) Down.
3) Repeat as necessary.

It's you guys that want to attach some kind of significance to it. I swear, sometimes guys are worse than girls when it comes to dealing with sex. Now if your girlfriend works in a handjob only parlor, then she's probably not lying when she says nothing goes on between her and the customers.

Are you worried that she might have a "good time" (Gawd forbid) at work? I really thought that was a strange choice of words. If she were a waitress and had a "good time" at work one day, would that mean she's in love with her customers? It's the same thing... I hope to get through my day with a smile on my face, but it doesn't mean I have to have a romantic "moment" with a customer. Heck - I'm happy if a customer just cracks jokes during his session.

One comparison that might help is how would you feel if your girlfriend were a stripper? A stripper's job is to give guys hard-ons. Sure she shakes her ass as part of the job description, but can you do that mechanically without being involved with the customer? Oh you bet - just ask any stripper! As a matter of fact, I dare you to find any stripper who can't manage to give more then 3 lap dances without falling in love with her customer.

One thing you said that I thought was interesting was whether your girlfriend is "some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck." This plays to the whole myth that sex workers (or women in general) have some sort of magical power over men. I hate to burst your bubble, but married guys who want a hand release from someone who's NOT their wife is a marketable commodity just like anything else. Your girlfriend brings home $500 a night because guys REALLY LIKE HANDJOBS - not because she has ulterior motives of enslaving men and unravelling the fabric of polite society.

You're not quite at Stage 4 yet - Accusations. Which is a good thing because your relationship can still be saved. At this point you basically cave in to all your insecurities and become convinced that she really is cheating on you every chance she gets. You can tell that a guy has reached this stage because the word "whore" becomes a major part of his vocabulary.

It's not a very pretty stage, and it's not too long before you finally hit Stage 5 - Breakup.

Of course if she's working in a full service parlor then chances are she is lying to you and getting laid a couple times a day. But like I said before, it's probably mechanical and she doesn't enjoy it - unlike with you.

And that's my 2 cents. Hope this helps!

CJ

Confessions Of A Really Bad Hooker

I had the most interesting conversation with Cindy the other day on how she got into the whole escort service thing. I forget what brought it up, but it's something I've always been curious about. I mean giving strange men handjobs in the comfort of my session room is one thing, but meeting strange men in hotel rooms for sex is a whole other league (at least in my humble opinion). According to her, she just kinda fell into it. So how exactly do you "fall into" hooking?, I asked. I have to admit she had a pretty good answer.

This was back a number of years ago now, when she had left The Business and was pretty deep in her drug problem. She was living with another girl at the time who was "dating" (as she called it) as a sort of night job. Gidget (as we will call her) placed ads on the internet and then met guys in local hotels.

Well when you're a jobless drug addict, the life of an escort starts to look glamorous. So Cindy said she took the plunge like this... one day she was home and heard the answering machine pick up. It was a new guy asking to see Gidget for the first time. It turns out Cindy recognized the guys voice - so she picked up the phone and pretended to be Gidget!

Luckily the guy was pleasantly surprised that they knew each other already. So they arranged a price and a meeting. However, since Cindy basically stole the customer right out from under her roommate, she really had no idea how to get new ones. So for a couple of weeks, she basically just continued to intercept messages during the day, and then delete them before anyone got home.

She also had the foresight to pick the guys brains on how they found "Gidget" so eventually Cindy learned enough about the internet to start placing her own ads. Now I've mentioned before that Cindy isn't the brightest of bulbs. And a woman who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon is bound to make a few mistakes.

Cindy placed her first ad in the "Dating" personals.

She met a nice guy named "Tom" and exchanged a few messages with him before deciding to meet at a local sports bar. They exchanged a few pleasantries over a drink. Tom was being very chatty and asked her about her family and what she did for a living, etc. So when Tom spit out his drink after she asked him if he wanted a blowjob in the car or the full hour session at his place, she started to suspect that there might be a slight misunderstanding here.

Tom was on a date. Cindy was at a business meeting. Fortunately, Tom quickly recovered his composure and then considered this his lucky day since he realized he was going to get lucky - guaranteed.

They worked out the details and decided they couldn't go back to his place since his mom was home (I mentioned how this was his lucky day, didn't I?). Instead they went to hers with the understanding that he was not to talk to Gidget if she was home since she didn't know of Cindy's new occupation.

Now the way Cindy described it, her room wasn't clean. Ever been in the home of a drug addict? It's never something out of Martha Stewart magazine. It smelled of cigarettes, and probably had drug paraphenelia lying around. Tom didn't care, so they started going at it right there. Cindy said the whole thing was over so quickly that she almost felt bad for the guy. Tom didn't care though - he was just glad to have had the most successful first date of his entire life.

But now that they were done with business, they realized that they never actually ate anything at the bar. So They ended up going back out to grab a bite to eat. They went to a local diner where Tom opened his wallet for what was now the 3rd time. Ironically, by the end of the evening, Cindy was on a date and Tom was at a business meeting.

Eventually, Tom became her first Regular, and she became his "rental girlfriend." She said there were times they'd actually do dinner, a movie and sex just like real couples (except for the cash on the nightstand afterwards of course). They saw each other for several months before she went off the deep end with the drugs. She hasn't spoken to him since.

Let me tell ya, there have been days when I've thought that would be a sweet arrangement. Especially if the guy looked like Brad Pitt.

CJ

Massage Parlor Secret #9 - The Bargain Massage

I'm back at work, but I'm still not feeling great. I just don't have much energy to put into my massages. I have to keep apologizing to customers for my lack of endurance. I'm good for about 15-20 minutes, then my arms go out. I've even been discouraging customers from taking 1 hour sessions (unless they're mutuals) because I'm just not up to it.

So this brings me to todays topic, which I actually got from a customer yesterday. I know that this blog is supposed to be about massage parlor secrets, so I'm going to reluctantly give you one today. And I say "reluctantly" because it's a scam that works well at Asian places.

If you're JUST looking for a decent massage at a discount price, then sometimes a massage parlor is your best bet. A spa may charge you $60 - $90 for a 1 hour therapeutic, while a massage parlor may only charge $30-$60. For example, you might see an ad in the back of the paper offering "1 hour massage for only $30!" This amount is just to get you in the door. The $30 probably all goes to the house and the masseuse will make her money offering you options and extras.

This is where the scam comes in...

Forget EVERYTHING I told you about how to act cool in a massage parlor. After you agree to a price, tell them:

1) This is your first time here.
2) You've never had a therapeutic massage before.

In other words, make it obvious you are a newbie looking for a therapeutic massage. This will set off all their red flags and they will go into "Legit" mode. So instead of sending you off with the next girl in rotation, they fetch the one backup girl who actually knows what she's doing.

Remember - you've just set off their alarms, so they need to convince you that they're a legitimate massage practice. Giving you a girl with giant implants dressed in lingerie who rubs your shoulders half-heartedly for a few minutes isn't going to cut it. Now they trot out the homely girl in back who's actually skilled in genuine therapy techniques.

Bingo.

I used to be that girl (only not so homely) at the last place I worked. They used to drag me out for anyone requesting a therapeutic, or just looking suspicious. I used to hate it because I'd never get tipped.

Customers tell me that this trick works particularly well at Asian massage parlors (AMPs) because they often advertise very low prices just to get you in the door. They can afford to because the house pockets the tip money as well. The customer I was talking to yesterday about this said he once got a fantastic massage from a woman who really knew what she was doing. Ugly as hell, but used her feet and everything on him.

I'm not advocating anyone going to an AMP, but if your purpose is to get a bargain therapeutic from them, then I won't blame you.

Now of course this trick isn't foolproof. Some places may try to hit you up with other "fees" when they realize you're not dropping $$$ for a happyending. Or all their girls may be suddenly "busy" when they realized you're only looking for a therapeutic. But, it's worth a shot - especially if they want to appear legit.

And the last piece of advice i will give you (so none of my colleagues out there will get too mad at me for revealing this secret) is to PLEASE tip your masseuse for therapeutics. $20 is my recommended amount. Most of the time we're not expecting it, and it would really make our day.

CJ

Sex Addicts

Hey Guys! My allergies are really acting up, so I've been off work the last 2 days. I think The Business can survive without me for a few days in the very capable hands (pun intended) of Trina and Cindy. And maybe very soon we'll finally meet the mysterious new girl that Audrey has picked out for us.

So in the meanwhile I wanted to talk about "Sex Addicts" since it's all in the news. Now let me get this straight - if a guy cheats on his wife, he just calls himself a sex addict, goes to rehab, then everything is fine? It's not his fault, but an "addiction?" Well if sex is an addiction, then I guess that makes me one of the biggest dealers in town considering all the married men who come in as customers.

Look - getting a hand release every now and then at the hands of a professional is hardly signs of an addiction. If you're married is that cheating? I think so, but it's still no where near an addiction. I've seen real sex addicts, and it's got nothing to do with cheating on your spouse.

Here at The Business I've seen 2 types of people I would call sex addicts. The first is what I would call the "Happy Ending Addict." This is the guy who loves his first happy ending so much, he just can't stop. These are customers who quickly turn into Regulars. And I don't mean every month, or even every week. I've seen guys who would come in almost every day. It never lasts very long because they run out of money, but they run their course in 2-3 weeks. They're like handjob junkies - they spend all their time thinking about their next fix.

Then there are the guys that I would call genuine sex addicts. These guys just have this total obsession with getting off. And they don't care whether it's by their hand or someone else's - they just need to have a constant series of orgasms. I've seen a few customers like this in my colorful history. They usually request the happy ending up front (not an unusual a request). But afterwards they will masterbate during the massage.

I had one guy - and I SWEAR this is true - who got off 6 times during the course of a one hour massage. My hands weren't tired because I only did the first one. The other 5 he took care of while I massaged him. He even asked me if it was OK, and I told him he could knock himself out - makes my job easier. And in case you were wondering... there was no cum to speak of. Each orgasm was dry.

Now THAT is what I call sex addiction. Jesse James and Tiger Woods sleeping with a bunch of strippers - that's just boys being boys.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Fag Hag

I got a lot of interesting responses from you guys about identifying massage parlors. That Craigslist ad is a perfect example of what I was talking about. It was one of those that does a good job of saying it without saying it. Know what I mean?

What really clues you in are the photos. Posting a Glamour Shot is one thing, but bending over and showing cleavage? That's not for Grandma's benefit.

Now the big red flag for me was the phrase "draping optional." I've heard of this technique used by independent erotic masseuses. Basically it's her code word for happy ending. If you ask for "draping" (a towel wrapped around your waist) you're looking for a therapeutic massage only. If you decline the drape (letting it all hang out) then she opens the door to a world of sensual delights...

A legit masseuse would never offer you a draping option. Believe me - she doesn't need to see your junk to do her job. In fact, the various techniques to keep you covered are part of our training. There are even some massage styles that have the body being completely covered except for the specific region that's being massaged.

But what I really wanted to talk about today is our gay customers. We're in a small town out in the suburbs so there's no visible "gay community" to speak of. You really have to be in Philly before you'll see anyone who's out of the closet.

In other words, everyone is pretty closeted out here. There are parlors that cater to gay men, but you have to be in the city to find one. So out here in the boondocks, what are you gonna do if you're a gay man and you really really really want a professional handjob? You go to the nearest source of professional handjob givers - the local massage parlor!

Think of it this way... If you're a guy and you really needed a sports massage, you'd probably turn to a masseur because he's an expert at what he does and men tend to be better at sports massage because of the techniques it requires.

Same thing applies to handjobs. Each of us girls here at The Business have our own little group of gay Regulars. None of mine have ever made "Freak of the Week" because they never ask for anything weird. Remember my FOTW - Tony and Tina? Even that guy was straight - he just enjoyed wearing women's clothing.

Some of my gay customers take a fully clothed option with happy ending because they have no interest in the view. But believe it or not, most take either a topless or G-string. Most common answer? They love the look of the female body. They never touch me, but they do enjoy looking. Go figure.

I like the gay customers because they're always respectful, tip well, and usually great conversation. I would even go so far as to say the most business like. They never have issues about what we will or won't do. They never try to haggle over price. And the nicest thing of all is they never grab your ass or pester you for full service.

Customer wants a 30 minute topless session, doesn't pinch me, and compliments my hair? - gay guy.

Customer wants a 30 minute nude session while wearing an adult diaper and calling me "mommy," THEN tries to shortchange me? - straight guy.

You can call me a Fag Hag any day.

CJ

The Grandma Test or How To Spot A Massage Parlor

The other day one of you guys asked if I've ever heard of a "four hands" massage and whether that's legit or not.

Think about it - 2 girls rubbing you down and you're wondering if it's legit? Questions like this made me think it's a good time to refresh your memories on the finer points of finding a massage parlor.

But first in answer to your question, yes - we call that a "double" here at The Business. When 2 girls are working you at the same time, one usually massages the legs while the other does the upper body. This way we don't keep bumping into each other while working.

When it comes to the happy ending, usually 1 girl takes over while the other girl teases the guy. I know most guys have this fantasy about 4 hands working their cock at the same time. BUT - the reality is that most guys don't have enough cock to make it happen. And there are the problems of getting the timing perfect during the jerking motion. If the 2 of you are not synchronized just right, it's basically torture for the guy (picture 4 hands colliding all over your dick - not a pretty picture).

One girl handles the dick while the other girl teases the guy to speed things up. If teasing's my job, I'll usually rub his chest or thighs, or maybe rake my fingernails over them. If the customer asks, I'll stand by his head and rub The Girls in has face, or let him fondle them. Either way, the 2-girl happy ending is usually pretty quick.

Now back to the problem of identifying a massage parlor. Let's use the 4-hand massage as an example, shall we?

The Grandma Test
Therapeutic massage is essentially about pain relief and/or relaxation. Most legit massage providers go out of their way to stress this. So When a place advertises in such a way to imply a sensual or erotic experience, it's probably a massage parlor. Advertising 2 girls rubbing you down is obviously meant to titilate (pun fully intended). Legit places will actually go out of their way to let you know they are NOT a massage parlor too. So in a way, they're making the search easier for you!

Here's another way to think about it - would the advertisement appeal to your grandmother? We'll call it the "Grandma Test." Words and phrases that may interest your grandma include:

Therapeutic
Aromatherapy
Essential Oils and Moisturizers
Hot Stones/Mud/Seaweed/etc.
Licensed
Swedish
Stress-relief
References to male staff

On the flip side, here are some words and phrases that might not interest grandma, but may be of interest to her horny grandson...

Non-therapeutic
Accupressure
24 Hour
Secure Parking
"European" or "Asian" staff
Health Spa
References to ALL female staff

"Accupressure" is the biggest crock-o-shit of all. It basically means pressure accurately applied to your dick. Any place that advertises an all European or Asian staff is definitely a massage parlor where the "European" and "Asian" merely refers to which mafia runs it.

Now "spa" can go either way. But when coupled with the word "health," it usually means parlor. And finally - any place that makes it a point of referring to their all female staff is probably a massage parlor. Look for things like "... let our girls take care of you..." etc. Like I said before, if it sounds sexy - it's probably not legit.

Here's another example... Recently a reader sent me a link to a massage provider and asked if it was legit. he was confused because it looked like they were trying too hard to claim they were. To me it was obvious in 2 seconds - they had men on their staff.

So that's your lesson for today. Any questions about specific locations, feel free to send me the link. Happy hunting!

CJ

The Coup

Trina and Cindy know about this blog, and even occasionally read it. Well this week they got a big kick over all the talk about me taking over The Business.

And I mean a REALLY big kick. In fact, it was all they talked about for a couple of days. Yeah - we've all had fantasies about ditching Audrey and doing our own thing. Hell, Cindy and I once talked about leaving everything behind for Vegas and becoming high-priced call girls.

Ahhhhhh... good times... good times.

Anyway, this time the idle chit-chat wasn't so idle. They both approached me and said they would back me 100% if I decided to jump ship and start up a new place. They didn't care much for this location and insisted we move across town to a more central spot with better access to the freeway.

Of course they would suggest that - it's MY money they're spending on this move. But they do have a point. In fact, it was Cindy of all people who pointed out that this would be the perfect time to start fresh because:

1) Commercial rents are cheap
2) Audrey has no interest in coming back
3) Recent parlor crackdown has other girls ready to join us
4) Half our competition has been shut down, so all their customers are free for the taking

And this was Cindy who had this sudden insight. The same Cindy who has trouble spelling her own name. The same Cindy that once insisted a sweater on sale for 50% off with a coupon for 50% off was 100% off. The same Cindy who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon. You get the picture.

Of course after Cindy made this intelligent and well thought out argument, I had to turn to Trina to verify I wasn't hearing things. "She's right you know" was all she had to add. This is the problem when you work with your friends - it's hard to just dismiss them.

So I caught myself the other day looking at the phone numbers of the 3 girls who recently applied for work here. They were all experienced erotic masseuses. They were ready for something new. Heck - a brand new Business with 6 girls ready to absorb the customers from FOUR other parlors plus all our current Regulars? Shit - that's tempting. I mean really really tempting.

And that's what's going through my mind this weekend. A LOT to think about.


CJ

Another One Bites The Dust

Well another AMP (Asian Massage Parlor) got taken down last week. No crackdown my ass (no pun intended). Anyway, I say good riddance. You guys out there know how I feel about the AMPs.

The bad thing is that our business took a dive after they got shut down, but that's typical. But by this weekend, everything should be back to normal. And the good thing is that with another competitor gone, we'll eventually see that bump of customers looking for a new place to call home.

But one thing I wasn't expecting to see was a bump in girls looking for work. Remember last week I mentioned that Audrey found someone to help out? Well ever since then, it's like we've had a "we're hiring" sign in our window. Of course it never rains but it pours.

What's interesting though is that I've since spoken with 3 girls FROM OTHER PARLORS. Turns out that with the recent crackdown, all the local full service places are scared shitless. These girls just wanted to lay low for a while and give the full service thing a rest until things blow over.

My guess is that things will finally blow over by the next election. Crackdowns almost always coincide with someone's political campaign. Ever notice how all the potholes on your street get fixed before election day?

Anyway, it's probably best that I'm not hiring anyone now. Full service girls sometimes have problems stepping down to hand-release only - especially when their Regulars start showing up from the old business. Old habits are hard to die.

As for us here at The Business, I actually had what you could call my first ever "Employee Meeting." In light of recent events, the 3 of us sat down the other day and went over ways we can protect ourselves from getting in trouble.

Meeting Agenda: Official Procedures For Offering A Happy Ending

Topics of Discussion:
1) Newbies - no options offered on 1st visit until further notice. NO EXCEPTIONS.
2) ALWAYS give the speech - "If there is any additional area of your body you wish to be massaged, please indicate by placing my hand there..."
3) No references to tipping on phone calls.
4) Conservative dress code re-established until further notice (Gawd - I'm starting to even sound like Audrey)

So we basically just went over everything we should be doing anyway to throw off anyone who's snooping around. The biggest thing we can do to protect ourselves really is to just be extra careful with the newbies. Anyone whatsoever who gives us a weird vibe will get therapeutic only - even after a 2nd or 3rd visit. We all know the drill and I trust Trina and Cindy to be well behaved for the time being. This isn't the first time The Business has gone into "Double Super Secret" mode.

So don't go expecting to see me on the 9 o'clock news with a towel thrown over my head as I'm being lead into a patrol car any time soon...........

CJ

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I swear I can't even see straight right now... WAAAAAAY over did last night. And in my inexperienced managerial role, I made the mistake of scheduling myself off yesterday, but on today. BIG mistake - should have done it the other way around. So instead of drinking all day followed by working all day, I should have drank all NIGHT followed by sleeping all day.

Is this the kind of stuff they teach you in business school?

Anyway, let me make this short so I can go back to drinking my 7up and eating my plain crackers...

Audrey told me to stop looking for a new girl because she thinks she found someone. At this point, I don't really care either way. I mean, I've been looking (kinda) but without much luck. But the last time Audrey brought in a "friend" it turned out to be her slutty younger sister. She was sooooo bad that she was offering full service within her first month with us.

It took A LOT of complaining before Audrey finally had the guts to fire her. I think it finally happened with Audrey realized her own customers were abandoning her for Slutty Sis.

Whatever. I don't care. I just work here, right?

Anyway - I hope you guys all had fun yesterday drinking green beer and singing songs.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Chicken Fucker

I hate living out in the country. Wait - let me rephrase that... sometimes I hate living out in the country. I guess we're more of a suburb, but with all the mushroom farms and whatnot around here we may as well be in Alabama.

Our clientele is about half blue collar, half white collar. But every now and then you get the down-on-the-farm guys. Not that there's anything wrong with them... it's just that occasionally you get a guy who considers our little town as "The Big City."

Take Cletus for example. Nice guy who came in last Thursday. He was a newbie to The Business, but he obviously knew his way around a massage parlor. Funny guy too, kept telling jokes - I like that. It's nice when the newbies put me at ease, and Cletus was just one of those likeable kinda guys.

He took a 30 minute topless session which went just fine. Nothing out of the usual, except that he kept talking and making wise-cracks during the session. Even during his hand release, he made a joke about "choking the chicken." A country guy to the bone (pun intended).

Well as he was getting dressed and I was cleaning up inside the room, Cletus asked "Hey... do you know how to fuck a chicken?"

I had never heard that particular joke before, so I was game. "Uh no..." I was already smiling since I knew his zingers were pretty good. "Tell me - how do you fuck a chicken?"

So he told me.

For the next 10 incredibly uncomfortable yet fascinating minutes, Cletus explained to me in excruciating detail how you literally fuck a chicken.

Apparently you just don't grab it and stick your dick in (not that I had really given any thought before to the mechanics of chicken fucking). There's this whole thing you have to do with tying the legs in just the right way so you can fasten the chicken around your waist. That way it keeps it's legs apart so you can fuck it easier. And the frantic flapping motion of the wings means that the chicken does most of the work for you.

If you think what I just wrote is disturbing, try standing in front of a guy who's telling you this in a serious tone of voice. Imagine the Hannibal Lecter of chickens. He weirded me out to the point that I had to weird out you guys just to get some of the weirdness off of me. Brrrrrrrrr.

Now go back to whatever it was that you were doing and pretend like you never read this - The Silence of the Chickens.

CJ

HappyEndingz - Under New Management

Well yes and no. It's official and it's unofficial. Last night Audrey offered to sell me The Business.

It's really not that big of a deal - she's done it before. And each time I've taken it with a grain of salt. The only true difference this time is that she hasn't set foot in here in what - 2 months now? And as of our last talk, she's not planning on setting foot again anytime in the near future.

So what should I do THIS time? Business is crap. In fact, I've been seriously thinking of taking a friend up on her offer to bartend a couple nights a week. I've tended bar before, so I wouldn't mind doing it again. Heck - the pay would be more stable than around here (and easier on my left hand).

Audrey threw some numbers around and I kinda half listened. Like I've said - she's done this before. So here is a list of pros and cons that I need to consider this time around:

ProsRecently renovated
Easily converted to tanning salon
Already includes a tanning booth
Location (great for a massage parlor)
Run with 3 person staff

Cons
Price
Location (bad for a tanning salon)
$$ to buy extra tanning booths
Not starting "fresh"

I've always wanted my own tanning salon, and somehow this wouldn't be the same. And Audrey is still delusional over what the worth of this place is. But if she came down in price, I would definitely reconsider. In this business, what you're paying for isn't just a couple of rooms and massage tables.

Since advertising is so hard to do and clientile are difficult to establish what you're paying for is the name and reputation. Our customers know that this business at this location provides happy endings. That's why massage parlors often start up at the exact same location of old parlors - reputation. It's like built in advertising. I could even pack up and move, but as long as I take the same name with me the customers will be able to find us (eventually). Sucks not being able to advertise like everyone else.

If I didn't want this place, I could start my own, but then I face the problem of trying to rebuild the customer base. You can't exactly open up the books and start calling customers at home ("Hello? Mrs. Johnson? Could you tell Harvey that Fantasia, Candy, and Paradise have moved and would love to see him at our new location in the K-mart plaza behind Joe's Welding Supply?").

While I had Audrey on the phone, we also talked about the fate of our competitor that got busted. Turns out she knows some history about the owners of that place and she was only surprised this didn't happen earlier.

So there you have it - the news is out there and I would really appreciate your input. I mean, I've been seriously thinking of my escape plan for a couple years now, and then this happens. It's like Karma keeps me tied to the massage table. Or am I just making excuses not to make the tough decision and just leave?

What do you guys think? You've been following this drama for a couple years now so you probably know as much about it as I do!

CJ

The Crackdown

One of the biggest topics of conversation around here lately is the recent crackdown on local parlors. At least we use the word "crackdown" but the local police chief denies it.

You see, it works like this... The local authorities really don't give a rats ass about the parlors around here. In fact, some of our nicest Regulars are local cops. And the town doesn't really care because we pay our taxes just like everyone else and we take up retail rental space that no one else wants.

Well last year the authorities raided a couple of the local Asian places because of concerns of human trafficking. Now for those of you "hobbyists" out there who still insist that there's no such thing, and all their girls are happy-go-lucky workers following time-honored Asian traditions of pleasing men - none of the girls were local. In fact, it turns out they were all trucked in from NYC and the Businesses were little more than fronts for the Asian mob. The girls were hauled off to jail and the parlors were shut down. Then a couple months later, the "Mama-san" of one of the places was found murdered.

Do I still need to convince you guys to buy American?

The place that was busted recently was not Asian, but employed all local girls. It's familiar to us, but none of us personally know any of the girls who were arrested; which is not unusual since there's a high turnover of girls in this business - especially in the full service places. That particular business is, for lack of a better word, a shithole. It's a dirty full service parlor and the girls there are known for being skanks.

We know this from the gossip we get from friends at other Businesses and customers who've been there. The guys have said that over the last year it went downhill and it was pretty much just sex only with no massage. And when a place turns from massage parlor to brothel, masseuses are replaced by drug addicts, dealers are setting up shop in the parking lots, crime goes up in the neighborhood, the locals finally complain, and BANG - you're busted.

You really have to be making waves before the cops are willing to put down the donuts long enough to do an investigation. So when 3 customers with cropped hair come in, take full sessions from 3 different girls, and then REFUSE their happy endings - it's time to clock out and not come back to work for a few days.

Oh - and that bullshit about a cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask? That's pure Hollywood fiction. What they can't do is take the happy ending. Testifying in court how you let the "suspect" go down on you while undercover doesn't fly with too many cop-wives.

But it's not like we don't get hassled every now and then. Once in a while someone will call the cops and say they "suspect" something, and then a cruiser ends up parked in our front lot for 2 days. It slows down business for a bit, but then it all blows over and everything is back to normal in a few days.

The last time someone called the cops on us, it was a customer. He was one of those nuts that comes in and DEMANDS full service when he knows nothing about us. Well, Trina ended up throwing him out and he threatened to call the cops if we didn't service him.

We told him to go right ahead - and he did.

The local cops showed up and asked us what the problem was. He said he was reporting us for forcing ourselves on him - a good law-abiding citizen. We told them exactly what happened - this perv demanded full service and we said "no." The cops hauled him away in handcuffs for harassment.

Of course it helps when one of the guys who shows up is a friend of a friend. And I swear that Audrey knows every cop within a 3 town radius.

And that's my take on the "crackdown." Don't worry - I'm pretty sure we'll still be open tomorrow.

CJ

Questions and Answers...

THIS is why I didn't want to say anything about a guy I'm dating. I was afraid I'd start getting a ton of crap and lots and lots of questions that I probably don't want to deal with. But I kinda knew I was opening a Pandora's box by finally mentioning him, so I'll be a big girl and try to respond with maturity.

First off, let me clarify some things regarding the Playboy interview. Apparently this damn show is more popular than I could have imagined. The guys in Jason's shop listen to Howard Stern in the mornings, followed by the Playboy show, and finally Bubba in the afternoons. He said he was working and had tuned out the show when he thought he heard my voice. He started paying attention and just thought it was funny that some girl on the radio kinda sounded like me. He later told me this story because he thought it was funny.

I did not.

After the interview, I had like 3 or 4 people ask if it was me (including 1 close friend and 1 customer). I had no clue ANYONE listened to this damn show. And that's why I made the decision then and there I couldn't do it anymore. They wanted me on the next week since my call was cut so short, but I had to tell them no. Which is a shame because I had fun and it would have gotten me lots of new readers. Believe me, it wasn't easy to drop it, but I was scared shitless for a couple of days until it all blew over.

Now another thing I want to point out is that he's not my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other but it's not to the point where we're using those kinds of terms yet. And when it does, I have no reason to confess anything to him since I've never confessed anything to anyone I've ever dated. Hell, I've lived with guys who had no idea what I really did for a living!

So don't expect any heart wrenching "confessions" from me to him any time soon. Of course if he were to discover the truth on his own - won't that make for a great story?

Now on to your questions...

Very few guys I've dated have known I'm a masseuse - and those that did just assumed I was therapeutic. And no, I don't avoid HJ's or try to give more - it's pretty much just whatever fits for us at the time. And none of them have ever said to me "Gee... you're so good at that you should do it for a living!"

Have I ever met a friend of a friend who was a customer? Believe it or not, that had never happened. I have run into customers while out at the bar, and most of the time they just ignore me, or slink quietly away. I think they're definitely more nervous to be around me than I around them.

As for VD... If a guy looks particularly dirty to me, I'll usually just tell him therapeutic only.

Newbie question... It's not inappropriate to ask for glutes. Shit - I'm supposed to massage your dick at the end, so glutes are fine. Not requested often. In fact, if a customer wants some serious body work, all you have to do is ask. Truckers in particular have special requests regarding lower back and legs, and I do my best to help them out.

G-Dragon... We have strict rules about age at the Business. 21 and over. Catering to younger guys is just trouble, so it's not worth it.

And finally, to all of you wondering if I'll ever come clean to Jason. Who knows? But from my experience - it always ends badly.

CJ

Happy VD

You know I don't like talking about my personal life, but recently it crossed over to my business life. I didn't want to say anything, but it's been festering away for a couple weeks now so I feel like I need to tell someone about it.

As you don't know, I've been seeing a guy on and off for a couple months now. He's the one I mentioned earlier who actually recognized my voice from the Playboy interview. I didn't want to do this and I've been dreading it but here goes... I'm going to give him a name (*GASP*). Let's call him "Jason."

I just got a shiver as I typed that. It's like I'm making it official by actually naming him here on the blog. Wow.

Anway, about a month ago, "Jason" started asking me questions about work. At first I was able to deflect them easily ("I'm a shampooist"... Honestly - where do you go from there?), but then he started to get more persistent. I figured he was trying to dig up enough info to send me flowers for Valentines Day - or worse - surprise me at work!

I kept throwing road blocks at him like "I'm not working that day" and "don't embarass me like that" but I knew I wasn't getting through to him. I could have told Jason I don't like flowers, but he already knows that's a lie. I could have told him I don't like lunch, but he REALLY knows that's a lie. So here he is, trying to combine the 2 in the worst possible way.

I know he meant well, but it was really starting to piss me off the closer it got to VD. It finally got to the point where the Thursday before, I actually picked a fight with him just to make an excuse to avoid him for a few days. I figured this would give me a window big enough to prevent him from arranging any flower deliveries or surprise lunches. THEN I made up with him Sunday morning (since I wasn't working) and INSISTED we go out. This way, he still gets to feel like he did some romantic stuff for Valentines Day, and The Business is removed from the equation. Situation difused. Go me!

Well once again, my lack of understanding of the male mind has gotten me in trouble again. I figured seeing Jason on VD had ended the issue of where I work. Boy was I wrong. Apparently, my little hissy fit only made him even more determined to surprise me.

What is it with guys and surprises???? Scaring the shit outta me at work is not going to make lunch taste any sweeter. He knows I work Thursday morning shift, so the devious little shit made it a point to call my cell phone at noon to verify I was there. I think I said something stupid like "yeah... it's dead here... think I'll take my break soon..." Well guess who's ringing the bell a few minutes later?

My cousin "Agnes" turned out to be the weakest link. I guess he managed to sweet talk her into giving up directions on where to find me. He wasn't given the name of The Business, so this may have worked out to my advantage. Don't get me wrong - I still plan on murdering Agnes and disposing of the body using an elaborate scheme of 10 dozen hermetically sealed mayonaise jars, BUT I credit her with only giving out enough info to direct him to our door.

By the way he came in he wouldn't have seen our sign up front and realized it's not "...... Hair and Nails" like I've told him a hundred times. And from where he parked (and waited) he wouldn't have seen a line of men coming in and out of our front door. Luckily he was directed to the back entrance where there's nothing to see.

My jaw dropped when I saw Jason standing outside with that dumb smile of his. Having gone through this situation before, I immediately went into crisis mode and whisked him back to his car before any of our "nooners" came in looking for a quick session. I made an excuse of not wanting the boss to see him so I could spend "more time" at lunch. The real reason of course is what hair and nails salon only employs 1 woman and has no actual appliances for doing hair and nails? So I couldn't possibly let him in the front door. I literally jumped in the car and barked "Let's go!"

I think we were pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant before I realized I was sitting on a bouquet of flowers.

I wolfed my food down and kept the conversation focused on him. Then I made sure he brought me round back so he wouldn't see the front door. I told Jason I had a lovely lunch, but please never ever do that again. And unlike all my other stories, there was no happy ending to this one - I think I shook his hand.

So what did we learn today boys and girls?

Bring me pizza = handjob
Surprise me at work = handshake

Meanwhile, I have asked Agnes to meet me tomorrow night behind an abandoned gas station. And to "... bring a shovel."

CJ

Stupid Newbie Mistakes - or What NOT To Do In A Massage Parlor

This weekend I had to throw out 2 newbies because they were being such dipshits. I mean, I could use the business just like the next girl, but there are just some breaches of etiquette (and levels of stupidity) that cannot be forgiven. This is what I'm talking about...

When it comes to getting your happy ending, there are certain behaviors that will kill the deal. Look - this is a shady business to begin with so there are certain things we must do to protect both you and me. But if you newbies out there follow my advice, then you'll be merrily on your way to enjoying your first erotic massage.

On The Phone
When on the phone, the First Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Period. Under no circumstances should you ask about options, extras, or whatever little perversions float your boat.

If you call up, the only things I will discuss on the phone are: door fee, hours we're open, and which girls are working that day. If you ask me "what kind" of massage we provide, my pat answer is "relaxing." And if a caller asks ANYTHING regarding extras, I automatically respond with "we don't do that here" and I hang up. I don't know how many times I end up hanging up on a newbie each week because they pull that stupid shit on the phone.

At The Desk
When standing at the front desk, the Second Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Our lobby isn't exactly a private space, so as a rule we do not discuss anything regarding extras or options.

This is where I had to throw out a newbie on Saturday. This guy came in and kept trying to get me to talk about what goes on in the room. "My buddy told me I could get a happy ending massage here..."

Listen - that kind of talk will get your ass thrown out of any massage parlor. We will only talk about extras and options inside the room. I don't even like Regulars talking about it at the front desk. It's really in poor taste to discuss your little perversions up front where the phones are and people walking around.

Look, I know that some of you newbies are nervous and want to know up front everything that's going to happen before any money is exchanged, but that's just the way it has to be to protect ourselves. This guy on Saturday was doing his best to get me to admit he could get a handjob, so I finally just told him we're not that kind of place and to take his business elsewhere.

In The Room
The Third Rule of erotic massage is everyone cums (I hope I don't have to pay any royalties to "Fight Club").

One of the most common questions I get from newbies is "How do I ask for a happy ending?" I've gone over this before, but I'll talk about it again for the education of some of the new readers out there. The answer is NEVER. If you're in a genuine massage parlor, then your masseuse will offer you "options" for your massage. This means you're gonna get your happy ending without having to ask for it (did you really think she's taking her top off for therapeutic reasons?).

Now if you're in a therapeutic massage business, the same rule still applies - NEVER ask for a happy ending! Some masseuses may take offense and consider that a little legal term we like to call "solicitation." So technically, you the customer should never have to ask - it is supposed to be offered. That way, there is no confusion as to what is about to happen. And this exchange should ONLY take place inside the room. Heck - I've heard of some parlors where extra's aren't even offered until AFTER the massage is over!

Another rule inside the room is NEVER assume anything is going to take place until you've discussed AND agreed upon it with your masseuse. This brings me to the 2nd asshole I threw out this weekend. This newbie seemed normal on the phone and at the desk... but as soon as that door was closed, he was all over me. I had to shove him off and asked what he thought he was doing. His response was basically "hey - I'm paying for this." So my response was basically "No you're not - so get the fuck out."

NOW REMEMBER - always let the masseuse make the first move. I know a lot of my stories start with something like "a guy came in asking for a blah-and-blah." Well those are Regulars who I already know and trust, so we usually skip the formalities.

So if you're looking for your first massage parlor - relax, sometimes it takes a visit or 2 before you're offered options. If nothing has happened by the 2nd visit, you're probably in a therapeutic spa and it's time to move on. Now I know there are a lot of guys out there that have gotten handjobs from masseuses who did not offer options, but that's a whole other topic that I'll talk about later.

And if nothing else works, just tell your massuese "I know CJ." Good luck newbies!

CJ

Handjobs for Pizza

By the way - I was reading through some of the comments last week about the guy who brought us pizza in the snow. Well I now realize that men would prefer a handjob to getting paid for pizza.

I JUST now got that.

When I was telling that story, it never even occurred to me that "Knight" would have preferred the happy ending to the money. That's why my attitude was like "fine... I hope you're happy with just this handjob..."

I mean the guy was gone for over an hour, driving in the snow. And he must have spent at least $30 on the all the food and drinks. I would have wanted to be paid back! It just didn't occur to me till right this minute that Knight got what he considered the better end of the deal.

If he were my Regular, I would have forced him to take the money and then given him a happy ending just as a "thank you." But that's just me. Sometimes I find it hard to understand the male brain.

It's funny, I've been doing erotic massage for so long that I sometimes forget that there's a reason why it's called a "happy ending." For me, 99% of the effort is in the massage portion. The last 1% is easy. Like I've said before, for most guys the handjob is pretty much up, down, repeat as necessary. But you try working out the kinks on the back of a 250 lbs. trucker who's been sitting down for 16 hours - THAT'S hard.

So anyway, let me give you a quick update on what's going on around here. I spoke with Audrey at length yesterday about when she's supposed to come back. I told her I'm managing quite fine without her, but we could use an extra set of hands (pun intended) for some of the busier shifts. Audrey told me point blank not to count on her coming back anytime soon, but I do have the OK to hire anyone I like.

I guess that's something. The quality of girls that have been dropping by lately has been lacking. I have a couple people in my little black book I may call up and see if they're interested. I'd much rather work with a Ho I know than one I don't know (Little Red - please forward your resume and 2 references).

Have a good weekend guys and watch out for that snow! You never know where you'll get stranded.

CJ

The Late Shift

One of you guys asked me to tell the story of the time I took care of a customer while sitting at the front desk. And the guy who got a handjob for bringing us pizza - these are examples of the kinda stuff that can happen on the late shift. The Business is open till 9pm with our last appointments starting at 8. The second shift here is typically 3-9pm, but we'll stay later for Regulars. At my Old Business, we were open till 11pm [Massage Parlor Tip #14 - any massage places open past 9 are usually the happy ending kind].

When you're working the late shift, it's pretty easy to get punch drunk towards closing time - especially if you've just worked a double. You're tired, you're feeling lazy, and you just wanna go home. Combine that with the fact that our neighboring businesses have all closed and we have the entire shopping plaza to ourselves, and you can see why things can be pretty loose at night.

For example, when Audrey's not around we might take an hour for dinner, ditch the business casual outfits for jeans and T-shirts, turn up the music, crank up the heat/AC, or take the phone outside and hang out in the parking lot and smoke. Customers like it too because they can hang out before or after a session and just chat with us without feeling pressured to leave.

The clientele also changes at night. We usually get a bump in customers right when everyone gets out of work. But later in the night is when you usually see the guys who aren't married or just don't need to be home anytime soon. This makes for a more laid back atmosphere in the evenings.

So one night back at the Old Business, it was around closing and one of my Regulars was hanging out with me and another girl. Well it was getting late and I asked "Buster" if he wanted a session or what because I was ready to go home. We had all been hanging out in the lobby which had 2 couches and a tall desk next to the front door. Buster was sitting in the desk chair and I was on the couch.

"I'll pay you for an entire session if you just take care of me right here," he challenged me with a smirk on his face.

By now you should know that I'll take a challenge. I called his bluff, "What? In that chair?"

Buster smiled. "Yup. Right here. It's always been a fantasy of mine."

I figured what the heck. From the front door, you couldn't see the chair behind the desk. And in that Business, all the windows up front were covered solid with black plastic (yes - this place was sleazy looking).

I stood up from the couch. "Drop 'em." I ordered.

All of a sudden, he looked nervous. Buster glanced over at the other girl. She made an excuse to go in the back and clean up. "Uhhhhh... Really?....Right here?"

I love being in control. "You asked for it" I said as I knelt in front of him. I pulled a box of kleenex off the desk and put it on the floor. "Whip it out big boy."

Buster awkwardly unbuckled his pants and dropped them around his ankles without standing up from the chair. I spit on my left hand, and kept a kleenex handy in my right. I started to work his cock and was surprised to see just how quickly he got excited by this change of venue. "Wow. I...I...I... didn't think you'd d-d-do it."

"It's late, so who cares? Now sit back and close your eyes." I spit on my hand again and he moaned loudly with the fresh application of lubricant. I kept an eye on his shirt to make sure it wasn't in the cum-zone.

His breathing increased and I knew he was close to finishing. "Moo.. Moo... Move over here so I can squeeze your t-t-tits." I obliged him by moving closer to the chair. Buster clumsily grabbed The Girls with his left hand before finally moaning "This is it!" And with that I wrapped the kleenex around the tip of his prick and caught most of his load. I pumped him a few gentle times more to get the last drop before I cleaned him up.

"Is it all that you had hoped for Buster?" I asked with a big smile. He just kinda collapsed in the chair and nodded his head.

Now what is it with guys and public spaces? I mean there was no danger of anyone actually seeing what I was doing behind the desk, but for some reason the idea turned Buster on. Not that I'm complaining; it was a quick tip for me and I didn't even have to get undressed.

Remind me later to tell you the story of the time I did a customer in Audrey's office. I was pissed at her over something, and it just seemed like an appropriate way to get revenge. But now that I have to sit in THAT chair and do her job, I feel kinda skeeved.

Karma's a bitch.

CJ

Snow Day

Hey guys! This post is (or was) coming to you live from The Business on Wednesday night. Trina and I got snowed in and decided to stay overnight. Kinda like a slumber party, but with the occasional handjob thrown in.

We knew it was gonna be bad. And as acting manager of The Business, I made the executive decision to cover the afternoon shift in case Trina didn't want to tough it out. What happened was that the storm started off slow, and so we all thought we could work our regular shifts. Then when it kicked into high gear, we realized it was too late to get home safely. Luckily we're prepared for such eventualities.

During the winter, we all keep an extra set of clothes in our lockers. And the fridge is usually stuffed with snacks and leftovers. But why come into work at all you ask? Because there's this weird phenomenon we see at The Business where things actually pick up at the beginning of bad weather. We call it the "Hurricane Sale." You know that time right before a storm when all the wacko's raid the grocery store for bottled water and toilet paper? Well, I guess the same thinking applies to handjobs.

I covered Wednesday morning by myself and did pretty well - five 30 minute sessions (everyone in a hurry to get outta town). Trina had the evening shift, but I stuck around just to hang out. Poor Trina got 1 customer before we realized the roads were pretty much impassable and we were stuck there. So we called it a day around 6pm, put on our PJ's , cranked the heat, and turned up the TV.

I think we were on our 3rd bag of microwave popcorn when the doorbell rang.

It was already dark out and the storm was at full force, but one of Trina's Regulars just pulled right on up in his giant 4x4 pickup. He wanted to know if he could do a session, so we let him in. He asked about the PJ's and I explained to him that we were stuck there for the night. Well this chivalrous gentleman offered the services of his All Terrain Chariot, so I told him to go get us a pizza. One hour later, and we were all chowing down on the best pepperoni pizza ever in front of the TV. I told Trina I'd do him for free after the huge favor he did for us, but she said she'd take care of him.

Trina asked him if he wanted to go into session still, but he said he was too comfortable sitting on the floor and having pizza with us. We tried to pay him for the food, but he kept refusing. So finally Trina told him to just sit back and shut up. He looked confused as he leaned back (but still keeping his eyes on the TV). She went in the closet and pulled out a fresh bottle of baby oil. Then she unbuckled his pants, and pulled them down enough to reveal his prick. Our Knight in Shining Armor looked at me with this nervous expression, but I just shrugged my shoulders. "It's not like I haven't seen one before. This is what you get for not letting us pay you for the pizza."

Trina lubed him up with the oil and began to stroke his cock. I had another slice of pepperoni and watched American Idol while a half-naked man was being stroked off 3 feet away from me. Even I have to admit it was kinda surreal.

A couple minutes later, I heard a few groans and then Trina hopped up off the floor in search of some paper towels. I looked down at our Knight and smiled at him in all his cum-stained bliss and asked "so are you gonna let us pay for our food next time?"

There the poor guy was - lying on the floor with his pants pulled down, shirt pulled up, puddle of cum on his belly, glistening limp cock, half-empty pizza box, and dumb smile on his face. "I don't think so" was all he could manage. Well, Trina got him cleaned up and he finished watching Idol with us before heading back out into the storm for home.

We had enough leftovers for breakfast the next day, so we stuck everything in the fridge. We both stretched out on the couch and watched TV till about midnight or so. Eventually I made a little bed on the floor and gave her the couch. The next morning, we both showered and Trina braved the crappy roads for home. I stuck around for the first shift and waited for Cindy that night to cover the evening.

So by the time this adventure was over, I had covered extra shifts, slept at work, and even hung around while others were working. That's when it occurred to me that I was becoming Audrey!

And it only took 4 weeks. Holy Shit!

CJ

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

I've been going on for a couple weeks now about how awful it was gonna be to start getting Audrey's old customers. But let me tell ya, it's actually working out to our benefit. Let me explain.

While Audrey was around, we would occasionally get one of her Regulars. This was usually when they forgot her schedule, or she called out sick, or whatever. When this happened, we would DREAD it. They'd either bitch about our prices being different, or how Audrey "lets me go down on her...", etc. The best was the old "she owes me a freebie" scam where they demand a free session because they did her a favor or something. So this is basically what the rest of us girls thought was going to happen when Audrey went on leave - only 10 times worse.

It turns out - most of her customers are real sweethearts.

Who woulda thought???? I think what we were seeing before were just customers angry over not getting their dicks sucked. But now that these same guys are coming to us willingly (and that is the key word here), most of them have been pleasantly surprised with how nice the rest of us are.

Here are the top 5 things Audrey's customers have come to expect from her:

1) Lower price
2) Sessions cut short
3) Little to no massage
4) Extras such as fingering and oral release
5) Bad mouthing the other girls

So now they're all coming to us - some willingly and some reluctantly. I mean she's been bad mouthing us for so long, that a lot of her customers will not come back at all. But those that have are all saying what a refreshing change of scenery it is. Customers have been telling us stories about how she rushes them, pushes them for options they don't want, gives a crap massage, and spends half the session telling awful lies about "her girls." Heck - I had one guy tell me that Audrey warned him I'd steal his wallet if he ever came to see me. AND I WORK FOR HER!!!!!

There is a very good chance that Audrey has lost some Regulars for good. A few guys are still pouting that the rest of us girls don't put out to the extent that Audrey does, but for the most part they are all happy customers. The biggest difference I've seen is the increase in requests for a breast release. Apparently guys just had no interest in getting them from her. Last Thursday I had 3 in a row!!!! (1 mine and 2 hers). The Girls were sore that night, but they had definitely earned their keep.

So there you have it - something good actually coming from this whole management mess. And by the time she comes back, I hope to have more than a few new Regulars at her expense.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Napoleon

Let me tell ya - ever since we inherited Audrey's old Regulars, it's been like a genuine carnival of freaks around here. Not that they're all bad - in fact, some of them are real sweethearts. It's funny, a lot of these guys are finally realizing that the other girls here are not the two-bit skanks that Audrey made us out to be.

But with all the nice guys also come the not-so-nice. Take "Napoleon" for example. I'll call him that because this guy yesterday definitely had a Napoleon complex.

Before I get started here, let me point out that I have nothing against short guys. Heck - I'm short! I've even dated guys not much taller than me. But once in a while you meet one of those guys who's like really uptight about it. Funny thing is that real "little people" who come in here don't have attitudes. Personally, I think the Napoleon complex kicks in with guys who are just short enough to realize it, but not short enough that they have to accept it.

Napoleon was right smack in the middle of that range. The first moment I knew something was weird was when he called in and asked for Audrey. I explained to him that she's out for the time being, and the rest of the staff is taking care of her customers. He actually demanded to get her personal number, then said "this is not acceptable" and other things that assholes usually say when they don't get their way. Didn't bother me since he's not one of my Regulars.

He didn't make an appointment on the phone, but surprisingly turned up at the door 30 minutes later. Once again he demands to see Audrey and I gave him the whole talk all over again. This time he doesn't ask for a phone number but instead says something like "you'll do."

I'll do? What a way to flatter a girl. Especially one you want to touch your dick. I gritted my teeth over that one. If he wasn't one of Audrey's Regulars but just a newbie walk-in, I would have just said "I'm sorry sir, but I have an appointment beginning in a few minutes. Why don't you come back in 3 hours?"

[You heard it here first guys - if a masseuse tells you to come back SEVERAL hours later, she wants nothing to do with you]

But since I don't want my bad customer service skills to get back to Audrey from one of her more loyal customers, I say "well I think I can squeeze you in before my next appointment. AND it can only be for 30 minutes. Sorry." (not)

"Hurmph!" That's the best way I can describe his snort of displeasure. My teeth started grinding for a 2nd time since meeting this guy.

I got up from behind the desk and walked towards my room. "I can take you in the second room on the right." I turned around and continued "Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a few... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

At the beginning of the hallway Napoleon was standing there with his pants unzipped and his junk hanging out. He grabbed it and started swinging it before asking in a very serious tone "Is this OK with you?"

I've seen flashers before. I've seen exhibitionists before. But it was the way he asked if it was "OK" that caught my attention. Those guys would either be laughing or at the very least grinning at this point. But I suddenly realized that Napoleon wasn't trying to shock me - he was being dead serious.

And it was this sudden realization that kept my right foot from contacting his sack in a very sudden and unfriendly way. So instead, I just kinda looked puzzled at him.

"I said" he repeated, "is this OK?" And for a little added emphasis, he shook his dick again.

I looked at his dick and had to admit it was disproportionably large for his height. But since it was still attached to an even bigger asshole, my surprise was quickly replaced with annoyance. "Looks fine from here. Will you please get in the room before someone sees you?"

As I tell this story now, even I'm a little proud at how well I handled this situation. But if there's one thing I've learned about dealing with jerks, it's that they usually respond best when you return their level of jerkiness. Too little and they walk all over you, too much and they get defensive.

Now if you think that a short guy standing in the middle of your work with his dick hanging out of his pants should have been slightly more shocking to me, consider what I do for a living. My biggest concern at that moment was getting him away from the windows. Since I've worked at The Business, I've done sessions in the break room (so we could both watch TV), the office (as an F-You to Audrey), and the bathroom (the 2 minute "special"). And one time at the old Business, I even took care of a customer while he sat in the chair behind the front desk.

Well my honest response seemed to satisfy Napoleon. He quickly shoved it back in his pants and said "I just needed to make sure before we got started. I don't like to surprise anyone." And with that, he FINALLY went into my room.

Funny usage of the word "surprise" I thought afterwards. He should use a dictionary for something other than standing on.

The actual session went more or less normally. Once on the table, he finally shut his mouth and behaved. Even though he's one of Audrey's Regulars, he didn't try to finger me or anything. That's what you call a good day at work - when no one tries to finger you.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Employer

As you know, I've been more or less running this place for the last couple weeks. Well, nothing makes you feel more like the boss than having to hire someone. Ugh.

The "New Girl" just quit. And by "quit" I mean no one's seen her in several weeks. She was only part time and spent most of it working with Audrey, so I really had little to do with her. Oh well, it's not a big loss. I mean she was so inconsequential that I never even had to make up a fake name for her for the blog. But with Audrey gone, I couldn't find anyone to cover those shifts. So I called the new girl at home and she confirmed that her new semester at school has started and she couldn't make it anymore.  Well let me tell ya... when she graduates college, this is ONE massage parlor that's not going to give her a good reference.

Now it's my job to find a newbie to fill in and I can't blame Audrey any more if this goes badly. We usually get at least 1 girl a week coming in looking for work, but for the life of me, I can't remember anyone applying for a job since before Christmas.

I swear, I must have spent 3 hours on the phone with Audrey this past weekend filling her in and trying to figure out where to find a hardened (no pun intended) professional to fill her shoes. I called a couple girls I used to work with and no luck. Everyone else seems to have gone legit lately (is someone trying to tell me something?).

So for all you girls out there reading this, think you got what it takes? Massage experience preferable. Strong right hand a must.

I remember a girl I used to work with at the Old Business. She had been working there for a couple of months before she quit - or should I say fired. What I remember about her in particular was that she was petit and drop dead gorgeous. You could say she was adorable in an Abercrombie/Fitch kinda way, and opposed to Playboy bunny way.

She was a rather good worker as far as I could tell. Very punctual, no complaints from the customers. Just did her job and didn't cause any trouble. Then one day, a customer finally said something to the manager about "taking the training wheels off" the new girl. Turns out that just like me - no one really told her exactly what the job involved - just what it DIDN'T involve. I guess she interpreted the "DO NOT DO THIS" list to include many things including clothing options, happy endings, or even massages.

From what we could piece together from her customers after she was gone, was that she would come into the room and pretty much just tell customers what she won't do. So after playing 20 questions with her (to which the answers were almost always "no"), the guys ended up taking matters into their own hands, while she assumed various sexy poses for them. She never even got nude. The new girl was so hot that guys would jerk themselves off and blow their loads while looking at her. As far as we can tell, the furthest any customer ever got with her was a topless.

I guess the customers were either too embarrassed to say anything to us, or they just hoped that after 3 or 4 visits she'd finally grab their prick and do her job. But no. Took a couple months before the bosses found out and let her go.

But let me tell ya - just stand there and let guys look at you while they took care of themselves? It must have been a pretty damn good gig for those 2 months!

CJ

p.s. JUST got around to answering comments from the last 2 weeks!!!! Sorry!!!