The Fan

I've calmed down a little since last week - partly because Sugar Daddy Pete never called Cindy and partly because I had a customer cheer me up. I know that being obsessed over one customer is stupid, especially one that I've only seen a few times. And it took a visit from one of my fans to help me see that.

Here at The Business, we usually refer to our youngest of customers as "fans." That's because the young guys have a tendency to totally crush on their masseuse. And it's usually a nice puppy-love, "I made you a mix CD" kind of crush as opposed to the Fatal Attraction, "I waited for you in the parking lot for 6 hours" kind.

Our theory is that when you're a young guy (we're talking early 20's), that first happy ending at the hands of a trained professional is their first exposure to women who don't play games. In other words, it's their first sexual experience that didn't involve flowers, dinner, alcohol, rambling emails about "feelings," or pretending to like Glee. And to top it off, there's no obligatory small talk afterwards or promises to "call ya later!"

It's EXACTLY how most guys like it. And when a young customer gets it for the first time - a "fan" is born.

Chris has been a fan of mine for over a year. He goes to school in Jersey, but his folks are local so he has an excuse to stop by every now and then. He was here this past weekend and managed to swing by and say "hi." Maude wasn't there, so we had time to just hang out and catch up on several months worth of gossip.

You want to know how sweet this kid is? He brought me an Easter card for goodness sake. I mean, how nice is that? I would never have even thought of doing something like that except for my sisters kids.

I asked him if he wanted a session but he pleaded poverty and said he needed to head back to Jersey. Since I was really enjoying his company I offered him a therapeutic for the road if he agreed to pay the door fee.

Let me point out here that I collect the door fee to cover my ass. Even though I was by myself that afternoon, if Maude or anyone else were to walk in, they would find my session properly booked and the fee collected. Not booking appointments is one of the easiest ways to rip off your boss in a parlor, so Audrey has been known to fire girls on the spot for doing that shit.

Anyway, I told him to go get comfortable while I did the paperwork. He practically ran into the room, which I took as a compliment. When I joined him, he was already buck naked and lying on top of the table. Since this was a therapeutic, I only had to remove my hoodie before we got started.

This is when the conversation got interesting. He started to tell me about a girl he's interested in. But it's not that simple because she's from the west coast and why start something now before summer break?

Before I knew it, half an hour had already passed. But I really wanted to talk to someone about the Pete thing, so I told Chris to flip over. I started on his legs as I filled him in on the whole Pete saga. He actually paid attention and offered enough advice to make me feel better about my behavior over the whole mess. Apparently it took someone who was probably the most removed from my situation as possible to let me know how stupid I was behaving. But he was nice about it!

15 minutes later, I felt truly better. The most relief I had felt about feelings that had been festering for a week. I thanked him for playing therapist, and he said it was nothing and why can't any of the girls he meets be as cool as me... etc.

Yes - we were having a moment. As if you had any doubts where this story was going. So to prevent any undo stress and anxiety in my more delicate readers, let me reveal right now that I gave Chris a freebie. And believe me, a free HJ is really the least I can do.

What? Did you think I was going to fuck him? Hello - I have a boyfriend.

Younger guys are usually quite happy with the standard happy ending and almost never bother to ask for extras. I think it's because they can get off so easily that they don't need an extra kink like costumes, cum play, ball busting, etc (although I did have 1 fan that was obsessed with women's asses, so he would spring for a butt release). I also think that the younger guys are more likely to get things like dirty talk, lingerie, facials, etc. in their own sex lives, so they don't miss it as much as the older ones.

Chris was already at full attention so it's not like he had very far to go towards the finish line. After our brief exchange of very personal compliments, our eyes locked for a couple seconds longer than was comfortable. And let me say this about Chris - he has a VERY intense stare. When he's aroused, he will look deep into your eyes as if he were pleading for his very own life. Well, at least I imagine it as such. I like to pretend that he's dying and only an immediate orgasm at my capable hands will save him (Hey - I can daydream at work too ya know).

I broke his spell on me by suddenly pulling my shirt over my head. I figured if I didn't do something quickly, I would do something stupid. And his bewitching eyes were no match against The Girls. And despite what I've said before, I do sometimes have moments of weakness with a customer. The key is to always stay in control of the situation. So the moment I felt like I was losing it, I automatically changed things back to my favor.

He was stunned to see me suddenly standing there in my bra. Just the reaction I wanted. Chris began to protest "... you don't have to do that..." so I just shushed him and told him to lie back down. In another quick move, I reached behind my back and snapped off my bra. I responded to his "What are you doing?!" with a "Shut up and enjoy this, will you?" (am I a romantic or what?).

Now the shirt came off merely as a distraction, but when you're working with massage oils and bodily fluids, the bra is removed out of necessity. Not that Chris complained, but it's not really his thing either. His thing is getting teased.

What he does is fold his hands across his stomach while I oil him up. Then I gently work his shaft up and down until he's fully erect. Meanwhile he starts asking me if he can touch me, and I repeatedly tell him "no." As he continues to plead and I keep refusing, he gets more and more aroused. His breath quickens and his voice begins to tremble. And all the while he keep staring at me with that intense look on his face.

When his hands start to shake, that's my cue to say "Well...OK. You can touch my breasts." Chris reaches up with his hand and begins to gently caress my left breast. I have to admit, he has this rather nice technique where he slowly runs his fingers along that very sensitive patch of skin below the nipple. Most guys ignore it and just concentrate on the nipple, but Chris is touching me as if he doesn't notice my two hands wrapped around his cock.

Nice try, but I know what turns him on. I now turn to him and look deep into his eyes. "I want you to put your hand on my ass." Obediently he switches positions and begins running his hand over my left ass cheek. He moves his fingertips to where they are lightly running along my ass crack, and he begins to slowly move them up and down.

This is the point where he usually cums. But this time I try to beat him at his own game, so instead of turning back and focusing my attention on his penis, I keep my eyes locked with his. Have you ever really tried to deliberately stare into the eyes of someone else for more than a few seconds? It's not easy - especially when there's a sexual/emotional component that you don't quite know what to do with.

But if there's one thing I do know, it's handjobs. So I really don't need to see what I'm doing to know what's going on. Without breaking our connection, I could sense that he was about to cum. He started to breath faster. His cock became super hard. And his right hand stopped caressing my cheek and gave a barely perceptible squeeze.

Chris was playing to win too, so he was trying his best not to give me any cues. But I know my way around a man's body better than most guys, so I was not surprised when I felt the warm semen spreading over my hands. I slowed the pace from the jerking motion to a gentle pumping motion in time to his spasms, all the while keeping my gaze fixed on him. This little technique helps to prolong the orgasm.

And then right when I thought I had won our little visual game of chicken, he did something totally unxpected. Instead of giving out a loud post coital moan, he took his hand off my ass cheek and moved it to the back of my head. Usually, such a gesture would scare me, but Chris just isn't a scary guy. I felt his fingers wind their way through my hair.

He slowly pulled my face towards his and then finally gave off a soft moan. Without blinking even once, he stared straight into my eyes and moaned again. Then his eyes went really wide and he moaned one last time. He let go of my head, closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the table.

I won.

Cj

The Not So Triumphant Return of Sugar Daddy Pete

That motherfucker actually came back to The Business on Saturday when I wasn't here. He took Cindy for a 1 hour mutual and gave her a very generous tip. THEN they exchanged phone numbers - that fucking bitch. She told me all about it afterwards. I was furious with her, but at the same time I wanted to squeeze her for information.

Apparently he's now back in the area, but he had to ditch the giant vacation home when the market tanked. Cindy said he's looking to buy a new place and that's why he's back.

I don't know if he'd recognize my truck or not. I mean, why would he stop if he didn't know I was here or not? When he showed up, Trina and Cindy were working the night shift. He actually met Cindy when he was in here before - 2 years now? So maybe that's why he took her.

Cindy claims he asked about me, but I don't know if she just said that to make me feel better or what. But what really really really set me off was that she took the liberty of telling Pete that I was "living with the new boyfriend." You NEVER say personal shit like that about your coworkers to customers - EVER. I could have strangled her for that.

Well, if just wants to get laid, then he went to the right place. Cindy has no problem fucking customers. And the "exchange" of phone numbers only means one thing - meeting outside The Business. Now did he really expect me NOT to find out about all this? Did he just assume I was no longer interested in him?


***************************
OK - now that I've spent a few days trying to chill out about this, I realized that I've got a really bad case of "I Saw Him First." However, it's not making me feel any better about what Cindy did. In fact, I'm still not speaking to her.

Unless I want info... And what I've learned is that Pete has NOT called her back. If he didn't try to fuck her over the weekend, he's not gonna call her until next weekend. But if he really just ran into her by dumb luck and really wanted to see me, then he might just visit The Business again. And I am definitely working Saturday night this time.

Of course, I could just call or even text him. But that seems a bit desperate. I mean, I haven't heard a peep out of him in over a year, so a sudden text message would just scream "Cindy and I talked about you." But if I did talk to him before he came in, I could explain the whole boyfriend comment as a misunderstanding on Cindy's part.

Oh I've done damage control before. Probably the most catty thing girls will do at work is talk shit about each other. And an easy way to steal a customer is tell him that his favorite masseuse has a spouse. Nothing is a bigger turnoff to a guy than to learn that his favorite girl really isn't a single, horny bisexual who likes to lez out at the clubs on the weekend because she just can't seem to find the right guy... Sound familiar?

We all tell the same story because it's what guys want to hear. Don't believe me? Think knowing the "real her" is better? You try jerking a guy off after spending an hour complaining about...

"... that asshole of a boyfriend who just can't seem to get it together. Oh yeah - his band is gonna take off any day now, but until then would it kill him to call my uncle about a job or maybe clean up around the house? Not that I'm complaining, but yesterday I did 6 customers and by the end of the night my jerking hand was ready to fall off when this motherfucker comes home drunk after spending the money I gave him for groceries on drinks for him and his buddies and... Oh...I need to finish you off now. Just close your eyes and try to relax..."

See?

Anyway, I think the whole Pete thing is making me mental. Just like it did last time he was here. For some of you newbies who have no idea of the drama I'm talking about, you can read about Pete when I first met Pete right here. And how he fucked with my head here and here... And I think I started to lose my mind over him right about here...

Oh shit - this may be a loooooong summer.

CJ

It's Official - I've Been Found Out

I was always afraid this might happen, and it has. Derek has dumped me. Apparently I left my blog up on the computer and he discovered everything.

Then, he decided to dump me on my own blog by posting it in the comments. How cold is that! Anyway, the original is here, but I've copied it so you can read the whole thing...


******************************
You fucking bitch! This is Derek! I checked your computer when you went into the shower this morning. You have told total strangers everything about yourself, and here I am your boyfriend, the one you supposedly wish to keep for 1 year, the one who has satiated your vaginal deep dicking desires anytime and everytime you have craved my king size twix peanut butter, and I find out this way? That's right, it's big, long and sweet.

Since we're dishing out everything, maybe your readers would care to find out how we met. Well people, here it is...

It was a dark and stormy night. The winds were blowing due East, I was walking out of my hotel at the Abraham Lincoln on 5th on my way to Golds Gym. I was in town on business. I'm from California. Anyway, there she was at the entrance under an umbrella, nearly drenched. Hair disheveled and looking like a homeless goat. I pass her, but then I thought, maybe I can offer some help. So, I go up to her... "Excuse me, miss... I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your heart?"

She looked at me, silence... and then she burst into uncontrolled laughter spraying my face.

"Hahaha, you're a dork." she says.

"Alrighty, then. Tell you what, whoever you're waiting for isn't coming. Let's go to that Starbucks over there." I guess I'm not going to workout today. It's okay though, because it's Tuesday, and it's only biceps, triceps, and deltoids day. I didn't want to invite her into my room even though it was just there. I didn't know if she was an axe murderer. A public place with many witnesses is good just to get her out of the pouring rain so she won't get pneumonia.

"Is that right?"

"What, you're waiting for some guy you met on e-harmony. They all like long walks on the beach, and there's only a river here... hardly a beach. He's not coming."

She pauses for a moment, and flutters her eyes looking at me. It was as if she was melting. Anyway, either it's the rainwater or she's high.

We walk over to the starbucks, we order, and then she tells me her story. Bla bla bla... she finishes her drink, and all that's left in my short java chip frappucino is the whipped cream. "So... tell you what, I'll drive you home. Do you live far from here?"

"I live about 12 miles that way." She points to some vague direction to my right.

"Okay, well, let me get my keys in my room. You can come up if you'd like. I was going to take a cab to the gym."

"Sure."

So there we went.

I slide in my card key to open the door. And we go in. So I said, "Make yourself at home. I'm going to go into the restroom for a minute."

"Sure, okay."

I go into the rest room. I unbutton my jeans and then proceed to drain the Red October. There I am minding my own business, and then suddenly the door opens behind me and a hand reaches around and grips perfectly my nuclear powered submarine. Then I hear a whispering... "Shh... just relax."

Me, taken aback couldn't help but ask, "Uhm... what are you doing?"

"I'm giving you a relaxing massage."

"Is that right?"

"Hmm... what options would you like?"

"Options???" I turn around, and she was in her tight white short nurses' outfit wet as rain, and already partially undone.

"Yes. Would you like to see my boobs? Or maybe something more?"

At this point, I thought, I'll play along. I know Ashton Kutcher is outside with a camera crew punking me.

"Well, how about we take off all your clothes because they're all wet." Then I ease her into bed.

"Sure, why don't you take them off me?"

So I proceed to take off her nurse's hat, and then start unbuttoning her dress. And then she grabbed my hands and put them aside, "No, no no."

"But... I thought..."

"Not with your fingers silly. Take my clothes off with your teeth." I try to unbutton her clothes as instructed, and she helped a little bit. My face would occasionally rub on her nipples and feeling the soft warm caress of her breasts. I play along.

At this point, she's fully naked... and when I wasn't expecting it, she pushes me, and I fall on the bed. She jumps on me and straddles me. "Shh... just relax... and lay back."

She reaches down my black CK boxer briefs and finds the missile has been armed. She's on top of me, laying down and kisses me behind the ears... "Mmm... what is that? What are you wearing?"

"Uhm, nothing... just burberry."

"Mmm....yummy... g-r-r-o-o-w-l"

"Wait, should we be doing this? I don't even know your name."

"My name is CJ. It stands for Cum Junkie. Meow..."

So she starts stroking my cock, and I noticed she was using the ancient crouching tiger hidden dragon kung fu grip technique flawlessly. I didn't mention it and just let her keep going. At this point, I was starting to lose myself... my mind.

Like a tiger, I grab wrists, and in one motion pulled her onto the bed and turned. Her hands are pinned to the bed, and our eyes meet. Without saying a thing, I slide down slowly... she spreads her legs a little, and I get in between them. I didn't enter her... but my erect cock touch her clit.

"Oh, Derek..." she moans. "Please..."
"Please, what?"
"Please put it inside of me..."
I ignored her... I didn't put it inside... I just kept on rubbing her clit. And then she starts to make those involuntary twitches... "Ah!" short, high-pitched ahhs.

Wait... hey is there any potato chips in here?

CJ, all those times we've shared. All those times when you cried please stop just when you've orgasmed for the sixteenth consecutive time on my hard unmedicated love making magic wand and I ignored and continued on until you broke into tears in sheer ecstasy in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the alley behind the laundry place, I thought those were real. I thought we shared those special moments. I thought you meant it because I know I did. Now I know you were just working me.

CJ, I'm a man. I'm not just a piece of meat. I'm not just a sex toy for your utter, total, and complete satisfaction. I have feelings. I am a man. I have emotions too.

We're done. It's over. I'm leaving back for California. I am a man, CJ and I deserve better. Hear me roar! Arf! Arf!

Derek
*************************************


Well the good news is that now I'm free to find a man with slightly better spelling and grammar skills. By the way Derek... you weren't so much a King Size Twix bar. More like a Mini Mounds Bar - much smaller and no nuts.

CJ

April Fools

Well so much for my Aprils Fools day prank on you guys. So what gave it away? I was wondering if throwing in a problem with Derek as well made it over the top. Of course I didn't count on the more resourceful of you to immediately hit the internet and look for news on another massage parlor bust in SE PA.

Good job! Next time I'll keep it more subtle - maybe claim I'm pregnant from a customer's errant cum shot. Now which one of you guys claimed I must have been turning tricks for $250? Really dude? Can't a girl just get busted in peace and quiet?

Anyway, you're not the only guys pranked on Friday. Trina told me that during the day shift Maude was expecting a new girl to come in for an interview. She was naturally upset that Audrey thought we needed the help. When Maude announced that the new girl was here, she stepped outside and then returned wearing a blond wig - claiming she was going to start offering massages under the name of "Sheila." Hell - I didn't know she had a sense of humor!

My taste in pranks is a little more involved. Friday morning I pretended to fall down the stairs at Derek's place. When he was in the bathroom, I let out a blood curdling scream, then jumped up and down on the stairs a few times. When he ran out of the bathroom he found me as a bloody mess on the bottom of the stairs. I had actually practiced unnatural poses in front of a mirror and settled on the most disturbing one. Then with the help of a fake blood pack I had purchased on the internet last month, I transformed myself into the worst "accident within the home" Derek had ever seen.

What can I say - that bitch screamed like a little baby! I let him poke and coddle me enough until he was convinced I was dead before I said "boo." 10 out of 10 for mean. 1000 out of 10 for funny.

Meanwhile Cindy tried to get me with her annual "I think I'm pregnant" scare. But I have to give her credit because this time she went so far as to produce a pee stick with an actual positive. Turns out she got it from a friend of hers and actually saved it just to try to get me. Nice try.

Trina has NO sense of humor for pranks. So I think that's why it's so much funnier when people pull them on her. My hats off to Maude for her joke! It saved me the hassle of trying to get her myself.

Speaking of pranks at work, the best one ever was from the first parlor I worked at. One of the girls had a birthday either on or close to April 1. Well, one of the other girls did a collection and got her a male stripper. To make it more interesting, they had him dressed up as a cop. But instead of the old "you're under arrest for parking tickets" routine, he came in screaming at the top of his lungs "THIS IS A RAID!"

Now if you really look at a stripper cop, you can tell that it's not a real uniform. But in the dim lights of the old place, and the hysteria created whenever anyone yells "THIS IS A RAID" I think half the girls pissed their pants - even though they were in on it. So after a few seconds, he finds the birthday girl and switches back to his "you're under arrest" routine then starts ripping off his velcro clothes. You should have seen the look on her face!! But that fact that she actually peed herself made it priceless.

Then to make things more interesting, after the strip show and the customary lap dances for each of us, he tells the guest of honor that he has a special birthday "favor" for her. Turns out that we had ordered a FULL SERVICE stripper with a side order of cunnilingus. The birthday girl politely turned him down, but the girl who called the stripper place was more than happy to collect. I guess this kind of stuff happens all the time with male strippers.

Well, I hope you guys still appreciate my little attempt at humor. Next year I'll zing you good.

CJ

I just got home from what's probably the worst day of my life. Trina was arrested for solicitation this afternoon. The cops raided the business during the afternoon shift and took her and maude into custody.

I wasn't working today, but got a call from Audrey around 6 with the news. I spent a good part of the evening trying to figure out how to get Trina out on bail. Maude was released, but they kept Trina. I'm going to try again tomorrow.

To make matters worse, I couldn't really explain to Derek what was going on today. I mean, why would the cops raid a "hair salon" and arrest a "stylist?" I eventually had to tell him to just go away and I'd talk to him later. My phone was ringing non stop all night. I really have nothing to say to him.

I'm not quite sure what to do about the blog. I mean, it's obviously got nothing to do with what happened else they would have grabbed me big time. But I'll probably just lay low for a while. I'll try to keep you guys updated.

Basic Massage Parlor Tips for Newbies

I love this time of year. The freakin snow is finally gone. The weather is getting warmer. And guys are finally coming out of winter hibernation and visiting The Business. Of course it helps that everyone is just now getting their tax refunds.

We've also seen a wave of newbies just over the last 2 weeks. I was wondering where all these new faces have been hiding and Trina half jokingly blamed my blog. Now that's an unpleasant and scary thought. I mean we could really use the business right now, but I'm still terrified of meeting guys who have found me off the internet.

Luckily, none of theses newbies have said anything. One of the first things I ask a new customer is "where did you hear about us?" Most of them either saw our recent ad in the weekly entertainment rag, or heard about us from a friend. But what I really wanted to talk about today is all the newbie mistakes they keep making! I mean it's been so bad that I didn't even offer options to a number of guys recently, and I actually had to throw two customers out!

So what I want to talk about today is...

Basic Massage Parlor Tips for Newbies

Several of my early blog posts cover this topic, but I wonder if any of you new readers have even bothered to look at the old stuff. A lot of good info in there guys. But consider today a sort of refresher.

Tip #1 - Don't ask about options on the phone.
This also applies to the front desk. I don't know how many time I've had to hang up on guys, or ask them to leave. Under no circumstances ask what's going to happen in the room - until you're in the room. Period. Don't call up and ask "Hey - how much for a handjob?" or "Can I get a happy ending here?" Our basic policy is to immediately explain that we are not that kind of place, then end the conversation.

For some of you new guys, I know it can be frustrating and intimidating not knowing if you're in an actual massage parlor or not. But this is a leap of faith that you have to make. Once in the room, your masseuse may reveal that she offers "clothing options" at the beginning of the massage (like me). If she does, then you're getting a happy ending - guaranteed. You don't need to ask! I can't say this too many times - I don't remove my top for therapeutic reasons.

If she doesn't offer to disrobe at the beginning, then she might just offer a happy ending at the very end of your session. But bringing it up outside the room is just in poor form and will probably get your ass thrown out. DON'T DO IT.

I had to throw out a couple of newbies for this just recently. These guys would not stop asking about options while standing at the front desk. If I think you're just being naive because you're new, I'll tell you to ask again in the room (HINT: If you ask about a happy ending and you DON'T get thrown out, you're gonna get a happy ending).

Tip #2 - Don't assume we're full service
Just because I'm naked and working your junk with my hands doesn't mean I'm THAT kind of girl. Hey - what do you expect? This is a MASSAGE PARLOR, not a brothel. But really, if you want to know what I am willing to do just ask. The polite way to find out if a masseuse will suck your cock is "Excuse me, but are you full service?" I am totally NOT offended by this question, and actually appreciate you bringing it up so I can talk about what I am willing to do in the room.

To be honest, it's not the assuming that really bothers me, it's when a customer immediately becomes all hands. We HATE grabby guys. I allow most customers to touch within reason, but you have to ask first. And if a newbie just won't take "no" for an answer, I'll end the session and throw his ass out.

I had to do that with a newbie last week. I don't mind a customer squeezing my ass, and will even encourage it during the happy ending (makes things go quicker). But this newbie would not stop trying to finger me. So I eventually just stopped, backed away from the table and said "we're done."

I have a 3 strikes and you're out policy. First strike is a warning. Second strike is stop touching me at all. Third strike is your ass out on the street. And this asshole had 2 warnings before I ended the session.

Tip #3 - Relax
As a newbie you may not get lucky the first time. Remember - we're as nervous around you as you are with us. We need to get a good vibe from a customer before we'll offer options. I know it doesn't help that you newbies are nervous enough already, but just relax, and be cool and you'll have a good time. At the very least, you'll get a nice relaxing massage and the promise of "more" when you come back later.

Take for example this guy who asked too many questions at the front desk. I told him to save it for the room, and he did. BUT, once in the room he was all "Will you do this?" and "How much for that?" and "What about the other girls?" I mean it starting to feel more like an interrogation than a negotiation to get his dick rubbed. I started to get a really weird vibe off the guy, so I switched over to my therapeutic mode, ended all my answers with "...so I've heard," and offered him NOTHING. I didn't even unzip my hoodie. Sure, I may have lost a tip but this guy totally made me nervous.

Trina said she's gotten the same 3rd degree lately. If anything you can't blame that behavior on ANY of my readers, right guys? Now go on out there and cash in those refund checks! You deserve a little treat after handing over all your money to Uncle Sam last year.

See ya this weekend!

CJ

Business As Usual

Remember last fall when I told all you guys that the parlor crackdown would end by election day? Well I was more or less right. I mean, what's the point of raiding a place if it's too late to help anyone get re-elected?

A bunch of girls and "mama-sans" were arrested. Now they're finally making their way to court and having their wrists slapped. I'm sure most of the girls arrested will start showing up at other businesses pretty soon.

According to my customers, possibly 2 or 3 different Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) busted last year are now back up and running. I don't know if they're in the exact same locations or moved or whatever, but the rumor I hear is that the competition is back in town. And believe me - it's a lot easier to reopen than you think.

After a shutdown, the owner just pleads in court that "I had no idea" and will get the OK to start up again with the remaining girls who were NOT arrested. Then they'll just rely on Regulars for a couple months until the whole thing blows over. Heck - that's kinda what we did when the crackdown was in full swing.

Actually, let me back up and here and point out that a business isn't necessarily ordered to close it's doors AFTER a raid. Just because 2 scared girls got hauled away in handcuffs in front of a news camera in the morning for offering a handjob to an undercover cop, doesn't mean the afternoon shift gets the day off. In fact, an owner will want his place to stay open to prove to a judge later that it really is legit, and the girls who got arrested were just BAAAAAAAD girls.

My girlfriend who runs her own place was lucky enough to avoid the crackdown. But in her neck of the woods, the towns are hitting them with new ordinances to limit their hours, force inspections and review their hiring records. Basically it's the same crap they're supposed to be doing but just never botherws to. Any parlor that's halfway careful (like us) won't have any problems.

In other words, the new laws won't do shit. The girls are returning to work. The busted AMPs are reopening. And it's business as usual. Nice job guys.

CJ

The Honeymoon Is Over

After weeks and weeks and weeks of getting laid on a regular basis... it looks like the honeymoon is finally over. I finally had to throw Derek's ass out. Don't get me wrong, we're not broken up or anything - I just couldn't stand him constantly parking his butt at MY place every night. I mean, it was totally convenient to have him there when I wanted to get laid (which was pretty damn often I'm embarrassed to admit, but you can't blame me after my year long dry spell) but it was the afterwards that got to me.

I've never been one for cuddling or pillow talk so it was totally irritating that he was still there in the morning. EVERY morning. Heck, I could have tolerated 4 nights a week, but he planted himself here every night about a month into the honeymoon phase.

So now he's at his place and our current agreement is 1 weekday night and 1 weekend night. Plus, I get the option of any night at his place - as long as I can tolerate his roomies . They're OK, but I'm not dating them.

But the good news is that now I'll have way more time to write! I have to admit that I kinda missed the luxury of coming home after a particularly trying day at work and have the ability to just spill my guts about it to the computer. With Derek here, I couldn't exactly do that.

But with him around all the time, I had to talk about things in a sort of coded generic way:

"Today was a waste" = tips sucked
"I'm exhausted" = Don't even think of asking for a handjob
"My 2 o'clock was a total bitch" = He tried to cum in my hair
"I need a shower" = I smell like semen
"I'm paying for drinks!" = I had a breast release today
"I'm paying for dinner!" = I had 2 breast releases, a mutual, and a foot fetish guy
"Cindy had a good day" = I could hear her fucking a guy in the room
"Maude was in a mood" = Maude was in a mood

It's amazing how writing on a regular basis about work acted as a kind of therapy for me. It calms me down, and helps me put things in perspective. I mean, there were days when I would come home literally shaking with anger, and after a few minutes of writing about it I would start to feel better. With Derek around I had to rely on a more mundane form of therapy - getting laid.

Hmmmmmmmm... type on a computer or fuck my brains out?

Oh shit... Derek - Come back!

CJ

The BFFs

This story has now taken me over a month to finish. Sorry it's taken so long, but I wanted to make sure I did it justice and didn't leave out any details. When I finally write my book on The Adventures of Aurora Sparks - Erotic Detective, I hope to incorporate it into the plot.

Last week I had one of the weirdest sessions ever. And that's saying alot considering I've had a guy almost die on me, another guy almost kill me, and people who acted out their bizarre role-playing scenarios in front of me.

I have this Regular we'll call Ernie. He's been a customer for years, and one of the steadier ones. He's in his late thirties, and never married. Local guy who works for the town or something. Nothing really weird about him. He usually takes a 45 minute session with the G-string option. And when he's feeling adventurous, he'll ask for the occasional butt release. In other words, a pretty normal client (at this point in my life, my definition of "normal" probably bears very little resemblance to most peoples).

Well during session, Ernie asks me if I've ever had a threesome. In my personal life, perhaps the occasional drunken makeout session with a girlfriend while her boyfriend watched, but nothing more. At work I've done doubles where me and a coworker take care of a customer and pretend to lez out in front of him. And then there's the occasional couple where the wife/girlfriend wants to watch or even finish off her man for me.

But Ernie wanted to know if I've ever done 2 guys. Well it's not like I've never been asked before, but it's just not the kinda thing I've seriously considered. Then the conversation got interesting. Ernie wanted to know if I'd consider having a threesome - in session. My first thought was "This would make an interesting story" so instead of my usual "I'm soooo flattered, but I'm really gonna have to pass" speech (which I reserve for all of my more enthusiastically imaginative customers), I found myself asking "So how exactly would that work?"

Now Ernie knows that I'm not full service, so doing a simultaneous fuck and suck is out of the question. And I only have 2 hands, so I can't massage 2 guys at the same time. So I was really curious about what he had in mind.

Ernie wanted me to jerk off both him and his best friend "Bert" at the same time.

Now you want to know how clueless I am? In my mind I was trying to picture how I'd position both guys on my tiny little table so I'd have a good angle to both their cocks at the same time. I'm thinking chairs and pillows to prop up legs and heads and whatever else would be hanging off the sides when Ernie enlightens me...

"Noooo... I was thinking that we would both be standing up and you'd be on your knees in front of us." Wow - that never occurred to me. He said there would be no massage, just him and his buddy getting jerked off at the same time.

I had a hundred questions swirling around my brain, but the best way to summarize all of them was "Why?" Turns out this type of happy ending is quite common in porn movies. Ernie always fantasized about this type of scenario and even went so far as to talk to his BFF Bert about it.

So let me tell you about Bert. He's also a Regular at The Business, but he's one of Trina's customers. He's older, probably late 40's. Married with kids. Stops by to see Trina once a month or so. Nice guy - got that salt and pepper thing going - kinda like a pudgy Anderson Cooper. I've never had a session with him before, but Trina says he's a good client. Apparently Bert and Ernie have known each other for a while, and it was Bert who originally turned Ernie onto The Business.

Ernie and I talked about how this could possibly work. I have to admit, I was a little intimidated about having 2 guys in the room, but professionally curious about whether I could finish 2 guys off at the same time (do I take my job seriously or what?). When I felt comfortable enough with the details of exactly how this would go down, I agreed. The session would basically be a little foreplay and then a double happy ending. No massage.

This is the kind of weird shit I don't want questions about, so I told him to bring Bert and meet me at work at the end of Thursday's night shift. I would be working by myself and Maude would be long gone. They got there on time and I locked the door and put up the "Closed" sign. Ernie and Bert hung out in the front lobby making small talk with each other while I started to turn lights off and close the drapes. I noticed how easy they seemed to be around each other.

I told them to go in my room and make themselves comfortable. Now that usually means "take off your clothes and lie on the table," but in this case, no one was getting on the table. Now 2 men giving it to 1 woman may be one of the biggest male fantasies, but when you think about it you're really just 1 woman away from a gay porn movie. So I wasn't surprised when I came in the room 5 minutes later to find 2 completely dressed men standing at opposite ends of the room.

This was supposed to be their idea, but I quickly realized it was up to me to set the mood (in this case "mood" being 2 guys getting naked and jerking it in front of each other [hey - this is their fantasy, not mine!]). I looked at each of them and said "You guys ready for this?" They both nodded and mumbled in agreement. Jeeeez - come on guys! I decided to turn on the radio and found some dance music.

I'm not a fantastic dancer by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not bad either. I may not know any stripper moves, but I do know how to shake my ass. So that's what I did. Shit - somebody had to break the ice here! To the beat of the music I unzipped my hoodie, stuck The Girls out and began to shake them. "Let's lose those shirts guys!"

That seemed to do the trick. They both laughed nervously, then finally began to get comfortable. Now if there's one thing I do know about the art of the happy ending, it's getting the man aroused as much as possible before you actually begin. And with 2 guys, I was looking at twice the effort.

With their shirts off I did a slow striptease to join them. There's no real sexy way to remove a sweatshirt, so I just pulled it off unceremoniously. But I made up for it by slowly unhooking my bra and letting it fall to the floor. I stared at them expectantly, but they still stood there with just their shirts off. "Ya know guys, it's gonna be hard for you to cum with those pants on." I was starting to think that Ernie and Bert were getting cold feet about this. Or perhaps they were just nervous about getting naked in front of each other. Either way, I had a job to do.

"Let's get this party started." And with that I dropped my pants. And that's when I realized that to perform a G-string option, I needed to be actually wearing a G-string (at work I usually just go commando since I get so many nude options). I apologized to the guys while I knelt on the floor naked and fumbled through my pants pocket for my emergency pair. I think this whole fantasy threesome of theirs wasn't exactly going as planned.

I found a G-string and slipped it on. In the meanwhile, my 2 fantasy men were still just standing there on opposite sides of the room. Well, their cocks weren't exactly going to jerk themselves off, so I decided to take matters into their own hands. "All right guys, time to get naked" I ordered. Ernie and Bert seemed to appreciate someone finally taking charge, so they complied. Then I went over to the bottle warmer and grabbed the baby oil. "Hey Ernie, put out your hand." I gave him a good squirt and ordered Ernie to get himself hard. Then I walked over to Bert and did the same thing.

Now before some of you start thinking that I was skimping on my threesome duties, let me point out that my job is get them off at the same time, not get them hard.

So picture 2 grown men facing each other in a tiny dark room, with a naked (and quite beautiful) young woman in between them - whacking off. Now things were starting to pick up. Both the guys were finally sporting good hard-ons and getting into it. Bert asked "Could you squeeze your tits for me?" Teasing is what I excel at, so I started to slowly rub my hands over my breasts.

I turned to Bert and cupped my breasts in each hand. I asked, "So is this what you guys had in mind?" His breath quickened and for a second there I thought he might lose it before I got a chance to practice my art. Hey - it wouldn't be the first time. But it did give me some ideas.

I turned to Ernie now. I lifted up my left breast and gave it a gentle little kiss. "Well? How's this for a threesome?" He nodded vigorously so I guess I was doing my part. But there was still something not quite right. Hmmmmmmmm... Could it be the fact that the bread in our CJ sandwich was still the width of the room? "Are you planning on covering me with that hot cum of yours, or just staining my carpet? Get your asses over here."

I don't usually talk like that in the bedroom, but in my session room the porn talk goes a long way in getting guys aroused. And since I was genuinely nervous about working 2 dicks at the same time, I didn't want to pull any stops. I figured teasing 2 guys is not much different than teasing 1, so I went with it.

I turned back to Bert and told him to stop being a stranger and get that "beautiful, fat cock" over here. Yes, I actually remember saying that. Sounds corny, but damn if it doesn't work. I think it does because most guys never actually get to hear things like that in their real lives.

The guys moved up to within ejaculation range, but they were on exact opposite sides of me. Now if they were planning on showing my shoulders a good time, they were in luck, but personally I thought it was rude to turn my back on one of them in order to give the other a better view of the show, so I backed up a little and asked them to sort of... "move closer together."

I swear that Bert and Ernie exchanged a nervous look. BUT... I didn't know what to make of it. All of a sudden I got this weird feeling, as if E&B were never really interested in this threesome. This left me with 2 possibilities:

1) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted the other guy to disappear, or
2) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted ME to disappear.

Holy shit.

So THAT is what all this macho porno fantasy crap was all about. Well, there was only 1 way to solve this and make everyone happy. And that was to get to the double happy ending. Chances are once I got their dicks in my hands, they wouldn't care if their grandmothers were in the room, let alone another man.

I reached out and took Ernie's matters into my own hand, then Bert's. Both their expressions changed. I was finally in control of the whole situation and I think that's what they needed to finally get into things. I mean, if there's a naked girl with her hand wrapped around your cock, then anything that happens at this point must be OK, right? And if these 2 guys wanted to use me as an excuse to see each other having a good time, then who was I to argue.?

Bert was in my left hand (lucky guy since I jerk left handed) and Ernie was in my right (not so lucky). They were already hard and nicely lubed. And thanks to my amazing skills of seduction, they were almost ready to cum. Have you ever worked 2 dicks at the same time? It's a lot harder than it looks, isn't it? My hats off to all those porn starlets out there who have to do this for a living. It's the timing - it's really tough to do different things with each hand at the same time.

So I was doing the easiest thing, which was working them with the exact same rhythm and stroke - and that was the problem. Each man is different and requires a specific rhythm and technique, and I need to read the guy to get it just right. Working two at the same time and trying to read both of them was rough. I ended up averaging it out and hoping for the best.

I started to work both their shafts in long strokes. On my knees their cocks were more or less at neck level. I took turns looking up into each of their faces. Eye contact is an easy way to heighten arousal and check to see how you're doing. Ernie had this look that was sort of a cross between amazement and disbelief. Couldn't blame him - I was kinda feeling that way too. I blew him a little kiss then turned my attention to Bert. The look on his face was sort of a... hey Bert - my eyes are over here! Stop looking at...

Ernie?

Naked woman on her knees with your cock in her hand TRYING to make you cum and you're looking at your buddy? I didn't quite know how to react. I mean, I'm not exactly used to NOT having a guys undivided attention. But at least now I've figured out what the real story is.

So the question now is how am I going to make everyone happy? And at the same time! I do a quick mental inventory of what I have to work with. Let's see... I have 1 guy who's getting off on me, and another who's getting off on him getting off on me. I think I can make this work.

The key is to get Ernie off first. If he cums, then I figure Bert would be quick to follow. I turn my attention back to Ernie and concentrate on his cock. Too bad for him since he's on my right side and I tend to work left handed.

I make eye contact with him and begin to concentrate on his happy ending. I have a sort of mental checklist whenever I'm about to end a session. You gauge his arousal based on the hardness of his cock, his breathing, his facial expression, etc. Ernie is almost there, so I start stroking a little faster.

Have you ever noticed that when you try to do two things at the same time with your hands that they tend to mirror each other? Well Bert was getting exactly what Ernie was getting, whether he liked it or not.

Ernie's breathing started to quicken and I could feel his dick hardening in my hand. There's this point right before a guy cums where his dick gets super hard - another thing I look for on my checklist. With both hands busy, I couldn't up my game by massaging his balls, or caressing my breasts. So I gave him a serious look and began to slowly lick my lips. That got a loud moan out of him (moaning - check). Now to seal the deal.

I add a little twist to my strokes. This changes the sensation just enough for Ernie to moan again. I slowly point his dick away from my neck and down towards my breast when I feel the first splashes of hot semen... on my left ear.

Holy shit - I had forgotten about Bert. Well, as much as you can forget the other naked man in the room who's penis is in your left hand.

The human body is a funny thing. When it's expecting one thing and gets something else, it doesn't really want to accept the something else and will ignore it as long as possible. That's what happened when Bert came on the left side of my face. I was fully expecting to feel the sensation of hot fluid on my right breast, so when my brain began to report exactly that but from my left ear, I was already half way through my "Oh yes!" when my neck involuntarily turned my head to the left to let it know what the heck was really going on.

My "Oh yes!" was in the process of turning into a "What the fuck?" but ended up sounding like "Oh yea...whaaaaaa...?" when another load of cum hit me square in the nose. Let me tell ya that nothing ruins your concentration more than a shot of hot cum on the nose.

Abruptly, both handjobs came to an end as my brain began to catch up with what was really going on. Let's see... Left ear (check)... nose (check)... hair (oh shit!). I don't believe that Bert actually came unexpectedly. And he got it in my hair! The nose thing doesn't bother me nearly as much since I can just wipe that off. But getting cum out of hair is a pain in the ass. Now I'll have to completely wash my hair at work. And it's going to take forever to dry. And then I'll have to...

"Holy fuck I'm coming!" exclaims Ernie. Apparently my little shock and meltdown didn't slow him one bit. He had taken matters into his own hands and was apparently turned on by the accidental facial. I look over and realize he's not facing me any more - In all the excitement, he had turned and was facing Bert. And that's when the second most surprising cumshot of the evening occurred.

When I say "surprise" it's not because I wasn't expecting it. Oh no. I say "surprise" because Bert wasn't expecting it. At least not expecting to be on the receiving end. With a few good strong pumps of his fist, Ernie had managed to shoot a couple large wads of jizz right past my cumstained nose and onto Bert's cock and legs.

Was it intentional, or during all the excitement did he just turn by accident? Or was it just a case of really bad aim? I don't know. But I thought that the absurdity of the moment was perfectly captured in words by Bert. He said "Dude?"

Then things got quiet as all three of us tried to process what had just happened. I'm on my knees with Bert's cock in my left hand. I have his fresh cum dripping off the left side of my face and onto my chest. Ernie's standing over me with a stunned look on his face while holding onto his own spent dick. Meanwhile Bert's looking very confused with Ernie's cum dripping off his own cock (and my hand!).

I slowly peel my hand free from the sticky mess that is Bert's groin, and I notice that I'm more bothered by this twisted exchange of bodily fluids than anyone else in the room. OK, if you two lovebirds wanted to slime each other, you really could have done it in the privacy of your own homes without me getting caught in the crossfire. But if in some strange way I've brought you two together under the guise of "threesome porn fantasy" then more power to ya. I've said it before and I'll say it again - guys are so strange.

With the left side of my face and hair a total sticky disaster, I jumped straight into the shower. As I was turning on the water, I just sort of yelled some directions over my shoulder on where the guys could grab some towels to clean themselves up. I was never one for pillow talk, so after what just happened I doubted they even noticed I was gone. Hell, Ernie could have been licking Bert clean for all I knew. I was too busy lathering my hair and wondering if Trina had a hair dryer in her room.

When I was done, dry and clothed I found the guys standing out in the lobby - smoking. Normally I would have thrown a shit fit and threw their asses out, but all I could manage to do was ask to bum one off them. Shit - we had all earned it. I figured I could just spray a ton of air freshener afterward and pray Maude didn't notice in the morning.

And that my friends is the most interesting thing that's happened at work in 2011. Needless to say, the bar has been set incredibly high and there's no where to go from here but back to dullville. Now the most interesting thing that's happened outside of work in 2011 took place later that night when Derek called and asked me "So how was work?"

I said "fine."

CJ

p.s. Originally, I was gonna do this story as a Freak of the Week, but after thinking about it I realized I had a soft spot for these guys and what happened. And in a weird way (and I mean that in every sense of the term) I'm actually kinda glad that I was there for them. Or not for them as the case may be.

Whatever.

The rumors of my arrest have been greatly exaggerated

Hey guys. Long time no hear? I'm sorry about that, but I can explain. No, I haven't been arrested, I'm not dead, not bored of the blog, or discovered by an overzealous reader. The funny thing is that I still check the comments and email regularly, I just haven't had the time or the motivation to post. Let me explain.

Yours truly, CJ, is getting laid.

And I never realized how distracting that can be! And I don't mean in the "let's fuck each others brains out till the cows come home" kinda way. I mean the fact that I no longer have any alone time anymore.

For example, I actually have a pretty good freak of the week story I've been working on for almost a month now. The problem is that every time I think I have a free moment to write, Derek is around. And it's not like he's luring me away from my computer with tender kisses on my neck or anything. It's more like he needs something like a little boy. So when I'm trying to get into the right frame of mind to describe a particularly erotic scene, it's easy to get distracted...

John's breath was quickening as I stroked his hard cock with both my hands in a twisting motion. His hand moved from my ass and reached up to cup my breast. Fingers found my nipple and I...

"Hey! do you have any potato chips around here?"

That kind of interruption kinda throws you off your stride. And so I've been averaging 4 sentences a night for weeks now. Do you know how frustrating that is?! And talk about a mood killer. And that doesn't even include the times I have to hit save or close the window so no one can see what I'm doing.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm loving the fact that I'm getting it on a regular basis again. Shit, it's been like 3 years since I've had a steady thing. And the honeymoon phase is still going strong. So please don't bother me just yet with annoying questions about whether I'm going to confess "everything" to him. I'm sure I'll fill you guys in when it gets to that point and I don't feel like discussing it before then.

So where did I find the time and motivation tonight? I have a cold and there's nothing more motivating than a box full of tissues, an overdose of cough medicine and bad late night TV. Meanwhile Derek is cowering at his place. He's kind of a germaphobe. Isn't that ironic? A germophobe and an erotic massage therapist. If he only knew...

I promise to get my FOTW post up here as soon as possible. Now why didn't I just finish it instead of explaining why I'm not finishing it? Because a runny nose, headache and chills don't create the mood either. But it's the perfect mood when you want to bitch about something!

CJ

Confessions Of An Erotic Writer

After sitting around for several uneventful hours at work during a snow storm, I have decided to write a book. It's an action story about this girl who works as a tough-as-nails cop by day, and a high-end masseuse at night. I'm going to call it "Licensed To Thrill."

I got the idea from a guy who once asked me if I was secretly a cop trying to entrap customers. So my heroine "Aurora Sparks" is a high-priced masseuse at night, servicing the rich and powerful, including corrupt politicians, mob bosses, and drug kingpins. She gains their trust and gets secrets from them. Then during the day, she uses this information to bust them as detective "Melanie Sands."

So whadya think - would you read it? How about the Hollywood blockbuster starring Angelina Jolie as Aurora/Melanie? I would have that bearded guy from The Hangover Zach Galifianakis as her bumbling partner who's totally suspicious of where Melanie gets all her tips. I would totally see that in the theater.

This is what my brain gets up to when I'm stranded at work in a snow storm with nothing to do. Of course I could have been coming up with something for the blog, but I got totally carried away with this instead. And it didn't help that the only DVD we had lying around was a copy of The Hangover.

OK, back to handjob stories next week. Sorry.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Todd Palin

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I've had a bad cold for a week now. I haven't been to work in 3 whole days! And when I'm stuck home, I really don't feel like writing anything, so I read instead.

Now I'm not for or against Sarah Palin, but I have been following this so called "sex scandal" with Todd (this is what happens when you're sick at home and there's nothing new on TV).

You can read the article HERE.

Turns out he's been seen frequenting a local massage parlor. Then the owner gets busted for prostitution. Put 2 and 2 together and you get a good old fashioned sex scandal!

At first they reported that there was "physical evidence" linking him to the owner, then they dropped it. Now they're saying she's being charged with protitution and there is no association with Todd. Let me give you my take on it.

We have our Regulars here at The Business, and it sounds like Todd was definitely a Regular. The parlor was located in an office building and apparently the tenants kept track of who was coming and going (or going and coming in his case). And as a local celebrity, he should have known better than to be seen coming in and out of a massage parlor.

OK, maybe the owner just gave really really good massages, and Todd was just an innocent therapeutic client. Heck, I have my own set of therapeutic Regulars. Never got a happy ending. Never seen me topless. Just purely therapeutic massage. Of course they're all little old ladies and not the "First Dude" of Alaska...

So for all you aspiring politicians out there reading this you're probably wondering what this "physical evidence" is - for purely academic reasons of course. Well I sincerely doubt the cops were pulling used condoms out of the trash and doing DNA analysis on them. But if she was a typical parlor owner, she was probably keeping a detailed logbook of customers and appointments. And if a mysterious "TP" was penciled in at the exact same time Todd was seen entering the building, then... busted!

Or even better, an autographed pic of the 2 of them hanging in the office! Don't laugh - it happens more often than you think. I've seen more than a few celebrities in here who have no problem flaunting it. I have autographs to prove it! Audrey even has a picture of herself with a pro athlete - taken at her old business.

And lastly, it could have just been the phone records. This would be obvious - especially if the cops had been monitoring the place as they say.

So how can you politicians and celebrities out there protect yourselves? Well here's my list of...

CJ's Tips to Keep You out of the Enquirer:
1) DON'T BE SEEN ENTERING THE BUILDING. Duh. Use the back entrance, wear dark glasses, park across the street, etc.

2) Don't use your personal phone to call. Use one of those pre-pay phones.

3) Use an alias for making the appointment (don't worry about sounding silly with "John" - we expect it).

4) Don't leave behind an autographed head shot - no matter how much she's willing to knock off the price. I had 1 guy try to pull this on me. In the end, I got the autograph AND my tip.

5) And lastly - USE CASH. Famous people are weird - they either carry tons of cash, or none at all. Pro athletes - WADS of cash as if they've never heard of a bank. Politicians - no cash. Your Honor, do you really want this on the Amex?
If Todd had been a regular reader here, he might not have gotten in trouble. Now if any of my poor under appreciated Eagles are listening, please feel free to come in and let me take care of you (we were robbed!) and I promise to be very discreet.

And if Ben Worthlessburger were to show his sorry ass in here, I guarantee I would have pictures of him being spanked in womens underwear posted on the internet before he made it back to the parking lot.


CJ

Confessions of a Masseuse

Hey guys. Sorry I've been gone so long, but with the slow days at work I've just been doing other things. So imagine my surprise when I finally checked back in and found such interesting comments on the whole Brett Favre thing.

Well let me start off by apologizing to any Cheese Heads I may have offended. I was in no such way implying that your crack-ho's are any worse than our crack-ho's. Let's just put it to rest and say that we all agree that it's time Brett finally retired. There.

My real intent in that post was to defend the poor massage therapists who were fired from the team. I've been following the story, and I don't think they were looking to cash in on any "story." They complained to management when Brett started harassing them. Management said they were aware of what was going on and would take care of it. And in the end they were still fired. That's when their story went public. And for the record I will ALWAYS take the side of the massage therapists!

And that brings me to another thing. One of the comments I got last week really bugged me. A fellow therapist said something along the lines of how she's always tried to distance herself from the term "masseuse."

So go ahead and google the word "masseuse" - I'll wait. Hmmmmmmmm... Hmmmmmmmmm.... Hum Hum Hum...

Done? What did you see? The first definition that pops up is "A woman who practices massage." And that's it. So we're really all sisters! All the way from that woman at the airport who does the chair massages, to sports massage therapists, to me - CJ. We're all technically masseuses whether you like it or not.

It's ironic, when I first started this blog it took a long time for me to accept the fact that I was considered a "sex worker" by my colleagues on the Dark Side. I mean heck - the "sex" part was only the 5 minutes at the end. The previous 40 minutes was all massage therapy, so I always considered myself more masseuse than sex worker.

Then there's my official job title - Erotic Masseuse. That pretty much covers both bases. My top coming off is the erotic part, and the massage is the masseuse part. Erotic - Masseuse.

So now I'm bothered by the fact that my sister masseuses (on the Light Side) would try to distance themselves from me! A sports massage therapist is a world away from erotic masseuse, I agree. Now your job is TOUGH. I don't have the stamina (or the patience) to do what you do. But by definition, you're still a "masseuse." Don't distance yourself from it - embrace it! But if it makes you sleep better at night, then just preface it with the word "sports."

I'm sorry if a lot of people still tend to think of the erotic side of massage when they hear the word "masseuse." But part of the purpose of this blog is to inform people EXACTLY what an erotic masseuse does, and that it's NOT the same as a therapeutic masseuse. I don't know how many times I've had to explain to some guys that most masseuses do not give happy endings!

Now there's one more thing I want you guys to think about. What else did you learn after you googled the word "masseuse?" Did you notice the 5th entry? Why that's... that's... ME! I'm one of the top 10 results to pop up!

And do you realize what that means? Basically, it means that your humble CJ is slowly re-defining the term "masseuse." Think about that... my humble little piece of the internet is now an authority on what it means to be a masseuse! Scary, huh?

So you better be nice to me.

CJ

Brett Favre Is A Dirty Pig

And I'm not just saying that because my beloved Eagles crumbled to one of his former teams. Or even that the Jets are still alive. I'm saying that because I've been following this story about him propositioning the Jet's team masseuses.

Forget the fact that this perv sexted another Jets worker and sent her pics of his tiny little sad junk. No, this asshole was actually trying to drag 2 of the team masseuses into some kind of sex romp. Would this be the first time the girls were propositioned by a multi-millionaire athlete? Yeah right - even I won't defend that one. But in an environment like that, you have to be more discrete.

I can only assume that the masseuses in question are attractive women. And why keep attractive women on staff? Because they can - that's why. But we also have to assume that they can give a wicked sports massage, else they would never have been hired. And you can bet money they also have several masseurs on staff for the same reason.

Does this mean that there's never any funny business in that kind of environment? Well, when I heard that the girls did some work at the players homes, I got suspicious. Honestly - do you really think the massages get better when done on a portable massage table in your living room? Yeah right. I'm sure the girls were making a couple extra bucks on the side by "taking care of" the players at home. And it was probably all very hush-hush. It's understood that it's there if you want, but they just don't talk about it.

But then this pig Brett breaks proper massage ettiquete and just calls them up and begs for a threesome?!?! They're not the fat crack-ho's he's probably used to back up in Wisconsin. They're women who worked hard to establish themselves as sports massage therapists for a professional sports team - a dream job. And if they give the occasional happyending outside of work, hey - more power to ya. But you had to be the pig that you are and try to wreck this good thing they had going, didn't you?

To make matters worse, the girls were basically fired when it all came to light. I'm guessing it's because everyone knew about the happy endings, so they had to distance themselves. But come on - that didn't mean that they weren't doing their jobs professionally at work! Sports massage is HARD work (no pun intended). It's probably the most intense and physically demanding form of massage in my opinion. So why would you want to lose that resource for the team?

Then this asshole had to go and spoil it for everyone. Thanks Brett - you're a real piece of shit. Now will you fucking just retire all ready?

CJ

Happy 2011 !!!!!

Now where are the flying cars and personal robots they promised us?

Anyway, I FINALLY got around to responding to comments from the last 3 weeks. Funny how the slower work is, the lazier I get. I think I'm just happy to take a break after a hectic holiday season. Not much to report here other than Audrey is gone!!! Yeah!!!! We're all so happy about that - especially Maude who's now talking about decorating for Valentines Day. Oh brother.

This picture right here - This is what I'm gonna name my own business when I take the plunge later this year. Whadya think - too obvious? I figure the best way to hide a tree is to put it in a forest.

Now that it's 2011, I can look back on 2010 and be thankful that it's over. For me, this years highlights include:

Audrey leaving The Business
Me running The Business
I got a boyfriend!
NOT getting raided (told you it would end after election day)
"Chicken Fucker" - my favorite Freak of the Week
Bartering for half my Christmas List
I went on vacation! (finally)
Business returning to pre-recession days

I don't know about you guys, but I do New Years resolutions. It's fun to see what you want to do, and then compare notes on how miserably you failed later on. Some of mine include:


1) Keeping a boyfriend for more than a year
2) Seriously thinking about starting my own business
3) Saving money (to do #2)
4) Telling the boyfriend EVERYTHING (in direct conflict with #1)
5) Going legit (in direct conflict with #2 AND #3)

I know that half of them don't make any sense, but I figure with half of them cancelling the other half out, I may actually get something done this year.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and wishing you a fantastic 2011.

CJ

Snow Day

Well I hope all you guys out there had a very merry Christmas. The Business was closed for 3 days, and then we got a bonus snow day. We thought Monday was going to be a blizzard, so we stayed closed. Then it turned out to be a giant bust, so I spent the day shopping for post Christmas bargains. Yeah me!

Yesterday was the first return to normal. Audrey did not come in, which only confirms our suspicions that the only reason she did show up last week was to pocket some spending cash (at our expense). I talked to Cindy and Trina and we figure that she probably took almost a third of our total customers for the week.

One of you guys asked what tricks she was pulling to get away with it. Well, she pretty much tried all of them in the book. Her favorite was just taking the next guy through the door, regardless of which girl was up in the rotation. Trina said on Wednesday day shift she took 3 guys in a row by just taking over the front desk and telling Trina she would call her when the next guy came in. She said after the 3rd customer she was ready to just put on her jacket and leave she was so pissed.

Another trick of Audrey's is to just tell customers that she's the only girl there. That one works best on the phone. Then she just makes sure that when he shows up, he doesn't see any of us. I used to fall for the old "Could you go out and get me a pack of smokes?" routine. Then I'd get back just in time to see one of my Regulars coming out of HER session room. Then to add insult to injury, he would sometimes think I blew him off!!

The best thing to do to keep anyone from stealing customers is to just sit and stay at the front desk. I did that last week and even so, Audrey would pull rank with "I got this one..." I was seeing red at the end of each shift. I swear, we were all ready to walk.

And poor Maude... The front desk is usually her domain during the working day. But ever since that blow out over the Christmas decorations, she would just hide in the back office. Talk about uncomfortable. You could just feel the tension whether you were in the front or back of the building. Ugh.

But apart from the fact that work totally sucked all last week, my holiday was good. A long weekend of family and friends. And let me tell ya - all my nieces and nephews were LOVING their Aunty CJ. Thank Gawd I took care of most of the shopping BEFORE Audrey got there and cut our tips in half.

This week before New Years is usually dead. We've gone back to a 1 girl per shift schedule, and will probably stay this way till the end of January. So now we spend our time eating Christmas cookies and fruitcake all day. The one and only good thing about having Audrey around is that she would bring in treats she made herself. If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that even though we all hate Audrey's guts, that bitch can cook.

CJ

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope you guys all have a great holiday!

From The Business -

Trina
Cindy
CJ

The Grinch That Stole Christmas

This has turned out to be a really awful week. What started off as the most fun holiday season in a long time has now taken an ugly twist - not just for me but everyone here at The Business.

This past Saturday, I was covering the day shift with Maude. The morning was going just fine when guess who walks in the door...

Audrey. Back from the dead after 9 months. I speak to her on the phone about once a week, but this was a total surprise. I could tell by Maude's reaction that she was expecting this little visit but didn't bother to warn me.

At first it was all a kissy-kissy lovefest. But when things settled down and Audrey got down to business, she went into total bitch mode. First she explained that she was here to "help" us out during the busy Christmas weeks. "Help?" I asked. Last time I spoke to her, I said the workload was just fine and that the 3 of us were handling it just fine. But I guess she saw the numbers from Maude and that greedy little bitch thought she could drum up a little bit of extra spending cash at our expense.

Now I know that Audrey still owns The Business and I have absolutely no right to complain about her wanting to work. But come on - to just show up unannounced when we have a full schedule and basically take away HALF our customers each shift? That's bullshit. And when I say that I'm being generous. That motherfucking cunt has pulled out ever trick in the book to take all the good customers this week and stiff us with all the therapeutics and cheapskates. It's almost like she came out of retirement with a vengence just to remind us who's really the boss around here.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. From the moment she set foot inside the door, she wanted all the decorations to be torn down. She started by telling Maude to "get rid of all this crap" on the front desk. I winced when I heard that because I know how much the decorations mean to her. Heck - it was all I could do get her to take down the lights and move the tree.

Audrey tore into her sister. And let me tell you, the got into it right then and there. I've never seen Audrey yell that much before (not including some of our fights of course). But when sisters fight it can get ugly and personal.

When it was all over, I had never seen Maude that upset before. And that's when it occurred to me - Maude takes this job seriously. Sure - to some people she's just the lady that schedules handjobs and cleans the toilets. But to Maude - she's The Office Manager. And this job didn't just give her a steady paycheck, it gave her a purpose.

I know that sounds funny, because most people would say Mother Theresa had a "purpose." But I guess when you've spent most of your adult life sitting in a trailer staring at a TV, then it's a lot easier to find a purpose. And The Business became Maude's.

I'm not gonna fault her for it. In fact, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the planet if I did (instead of the top 100), since I've made a career out of this place (and a decent one at that). I guess I just never figured the front desk to be important since that's not where the money is.

So I've been trying to cheer Maude up this past week, which is not easy considering it feels like death around here - what with most of the decorations being taken down and Audrey here almost every shift. We're all stressed out with all the tension in the air - and Christmas almost here. Luckily, we're closed for the 3 day weekend. I don't expect Audrey to come back since it's usually dead until the end of January. So we'll just have to suck it up till then.

But if it makes Maude feel better, maybe I'll encourage her to decorate for Martin Luther King Day.

CJ

The Christmas Spirit

I mentioned last time that things around here were pretty glum before Maude showed up. Typically Christmas here at The Business was just that - all business. We're usually pretty busy because of Thanksgiving, hunting season, and Christmas. And Audrey was never really one to decorate for holidays since she considered it in poor taste. I mean, come on - just because a guy is sitting in the lobby waiting to get his dick rubbed, doesn't mean a ceramic Easter Bunny on the counter is going to kill him.

Another reason why things get down is because the customers are all pretty moody. Most of them are grumpy because they've been on a 3 week spending spree and they're broke by the time they get to us. Around Thanksgiving and hunting season, everyone is still in a good mood because they've still got money. But by mid December, customers start turning into the Grinch. And now every session all I hear about is how expensive everything including THIS massage. Hey - I gotta buy presents too buddy.

So this year the mood is different because the place is decked out and we actually get to feel like we're doing something festive. And you wanna know what the biggest hit has been? Our holiday getups! Turns out the guys appreciate our little festive atmosphere. I don't know how many times I've been asked to keep the Santa hat on (and nothing else) during session.

But what's really been interesting has been the holiday lights. Trina got all of us these battery powered necklaces made up of Xmas lights. So this new trick we do in the room is to turn the lights down and wear just the necklaces.

For a topless, I'll drape the lights around my neck and across The Girls. For the most part, the guys love it because in the dark the only thing they can pretty much see are these multi-colored breasts moving around the room. Another thing I've tried is tying the lights around my waist during a nude massage so my butt is lit from above and my breasts from below. One customer called it "sexy as shit" because the way the lights and shadows move made it very teasing.

On another good note, 2 customers have commissioned me as their personal holiday shopper. I spend my down time at work on the laptop digging up gift ideas and placing orders. So ladies - you may have to thank me for that "perfect" holiday gift from your spouse this year.

I'm actually gonna miss it when we have to take everything down next month. Between that and business going dead (it usually does in January) it's gonna get depressing around here really quick.

CJ

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like... Maude

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a fucking Christmas tree in our lobby."

That's the voicemail I got from Cindy the other day. When I first heard it, I didn't know what I found more shocking - the fact that there's a Christmas tree in the lobby of The Business, or that Cindy managed to use the F-word and "Christmas tree" in the same sentence.

First off, our lobby isn't that big, so I really couldn't picture where a tree would fit. And second, why on Earth would we need a tree there? It's awkward enough for our customers to have to wait between sessions, but to make them sit and stare at a Christmas tree too? Our customers are usually here at this time of year to escape the holiday season, not wallow in it.

When I came in to work yesterday, I discovered that Maude, our resident Martha Stewart, kinda went overboard with the decorations. I explained to her that the little plastic snowmen on the desk were one thing, but this giant tree dominating the front entrance is something else. She was hurt at first, but after some negotiating she agreed to move it to our break room. We had to remove the table to squeeze it in there, but it fit, and Maude even had fun redecorating it.

Personally, I love Christmas and don't mind the over-indulgence here at work. It's in stark comparison to Audrey's bare-bones, sterile, bah humbug attitude of last year (and the year before and the year before...). I mean she never really did anything festive around here. And when you're stuck here 40 hours a week, you welcome anything that cheers things up.

So having her sister here managing the place is sort of a breath of fresh air. She keeps the place super clean and she takes care of all the mundane chores. And now as we've discovered, she takes her holidays very very seriously. Thanksgiving for example - she decked out the lobby in fall decorations and even taped a giant cardboard turkey on the refrigerator. It looked like a kindergarten class around here. But when the woman vacuums the floors and cleans out the fridge - you really can't complain.

Then Christmas rolled around. Maude brought in 4 plastic crates filled with Christmas decorations. When I asked her how she could afford all this she said not to worry - these are all her "extra" decorations from home. Let me tell ya - that must be some decked out trailer. I bet you could see it from space.

Not only did she stick an 8 foot tall tree in the lobby, she also put up garland around the desk and lights in the window. I'm not exactly a grinch, but I did make her take down the lights. I had to remind her we're a massage a parlor, not a Hallmark store. But overall, she's definitely lifted the holiday mood around here - which is usually depressing. I bought a necklace made of Christmas lights that runs by battery. And we've all been taking turns wearing a Santa hat when we're on the front desk.

Heck - we're even thinking of doing a secret santa this year! Of course it can't be that secret when you only have 4 people in The Business.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Hustler

I had an interesting mix of customers over the past week. Some newbies, some Regulars I haven't seen in a while, and even some local grannies in for their yearly therapeutic. We get this weird bump in Little-Old-Lady traffic about this time of year as they dust off the gift certificates their sons bought them LAST Christmas and forgot to use.

It's the perfect gift when you think about it. A guy can come in, pick up a gift for his mom, get his own holly jollies, and cross 2 things off his Xmas list. Then when his wife asks him later if he took care of his mother, he can look her square in the eye and say quite honestly "Oh yeah, I took care of her."

But that's not the most interesting thing to happen around here this week. The other day I had a customer come in carrying a large shopping bag full of boxes. I asked him what the deal was, and he said he was there to barter. He opens up the bag and pulls out boxes of cool stuff including:

Snuggies
Toys
Cell phone accessories
Apparently this guy runs kiosks at several malls and he was doing a supply run. He explained that they specialize in high profit/high turnover stuff just for the holidays. And let me tell ya - even I was thinking "I could use 2 of those, and 3 of those..." Sure, the stuff is mostly crap made in China, but there isn't anyone on my list who couldn't use a snuggy or a remote control car.

So I asked him what he had in mind, and he asked "so whadya do around here?" And I have to admit that I was sooooo blinded by all the shiny goodies that I broke erotic massage protocol and discussed options and extras at the front desk! Let me tell ya, if this guy had been an undercover cop - just lock me up because I pretty much gave up the entire store.

"I'll take my top off for one of those monster trucks and 3 snuggies."

"Are you kidding me? I can't keep these trucks in stock. They're like gold. How about you also waive the door fee and I'll make it 4 snuggies instead?"

"I can't waive the fee - my boss would fire me! But let's say I did.... that's gotta be worth what, 2 robot dinosaurs?"

"2 dinosaurs? You're killing me! OK, for that I want the door fee waived, full body massage, you totally naked, and a blowjob."

"Nice try baby, but I don't think you have enough snuggies and dinosaurs in that truck to get a blowjob. However, I might give you a breast release if you throw in the monster truck, the dinosaurs AND one of those helicopters..."

He gave me a confused look and that's when I knew I had him. I explained to him in VIVID detail what a breast release consisted of. And to seal the deal, I made sure to stand up and slowly unzip my hoodie. The visuals worked, and he finally just said in a defeated tone "follow me." We went to his truck and inside was a motherlode of gifts for Christmas. We settled on our final exchange of goods for services. Basically, it turned out to be enough stuff to cross off a significant portion of this years gift list. Heck - he even helped me carry it to my truck!

I can't wait to see my nephew's expression when he opens up that giant remote controlled helicopter on Christmas. I only hope my sister doesn't ask "So how much did THAT cost?"

2 ounces of baby oil and 5 minutes of my time?

CJ