Confessions of an Erotic Economist

The recession is over! Let me be the first to announce it - before any eggheads on TV, or crooked politicians, or stupid college professors. Yes sir - you heard it first right here from an Erotic Masseuse.

And you want to know how I know this? Well, unlike all those millionaire talkshow hosts and congressmen, my livelihood is almost totally dependent on disposable income. So as the economy goes, so goes my paycheck. And my paycheck has definitely gotten fatter recently. Let me explain...

Over the last month or so, I've noticed an increase in numbers of customers - newbies and the return of some Regulars. And just recently, I've seen an increase in nudes and mutuals - the more expensive options we offer. These are obvious signs that times are finally starting to get better.

As someone who relies on disposable income, I'm one of the first people at the bottom of the economic ladder to see if people have money to spend. And this is how I invented what I call "CJ's Handyman Index." Forget the Dow Jones stock market crap. CJ's Handyman Index is way more reliable and accurate.

You see, Handymen (carpenters, electricians, etc.) rely on disposable income more than me. So when the economy is hot, people want that new garage, or pool, or 4th bedroom. But when it slows down, their work changes to just fixing things. So instead of replacing a whole kitchen, people just want things maintained so they'll last longer. And how their business goes is reflected on my massage table. When things are good, Handymen ask for longer massage times and more expensive options.

New deck with hot tub = 1 hour mutual massage with breast release.
Paint the kitchen and fix a leaky faucet = 30 minute topless with regular hand release

And when the economy is in the shitter you ask? That one's easy - the Handymen disappear altogether. That's what started happening a year ago. I was losing Regulars left and right, and those that stuck around were cutting back on the options.

Now this index only really works with Handymen. Customers with steady jobs spend differently when times are bad. For example, my Regulars who work at the local plant still kept making appointments, but they cut back on options because everything else became more expensive.

[Funny story - last winter a guy offered me firewood in exchange for a massage. That's how bad things got.]

Let me tell ya - when gas prices shot up last summer, guys were coming in and asking for the bare bones cheapest options. It got so bad that we had to create a new option for these cheapskates. I called it the "Topless or HandJob." So if a customer came in with some cash, but not enough for any of the regular options, I would offer him a choice "I can either leave my clothes on for the massage and give you a happy ending, or I can take my top off but you're on your own at the end."

I did this mostly with Regulars that I kinda felt sorry for. Most newbies I would just show them the door. I know that the "Happy Ending" is the crux of my job as an erotic massage therapist, but it just feels weird to have a guy offer you $20 just for a handjob and no massage. That's crack-ho territory there. So guys I didn't know who couldn't afford a standard option - hit the road Jack.

And there you have it - CJ's Handyman Index. I think this really is the best economic indicator out there, and should be included on the daily news reports. Then we could all have a good laugh when the TV guy says "Today there was a sharp rise in the 'Handyman' which lasted for a few moments before a sudden decline..."

CJ

The Massage Parlor - A Fetishists Best Friend

I've had customers from NYC, LA and other big cities tell me about these fetish "clubs" that are actually like a massage parlor, except it's for fetishes only. So instead of getting a massage therapist for your session, you get a domme or a slave or whatever. And I assume these people are experts in whatever kink you're in to.

I once met a girl at another Business who said she used to work in a place like that. She was a "sub" so her specialty was having guys do stuff to her.

She claimed there was no straight sex involved, but the clients would get very creative. For example, customers were allowed to cum on her as long as she was covered with something like a towel or a plastic sheet. Customers could spank her, squeeze her breasts, etc., but they couldn't insert anything in to her. She did confess though that for "special" clients, she would offer to use a dildo on herself. It's also interesting to note that she described most of her clients as "mild mannered." LOL. It's always the quiet ones...

Most of the stuff she did involved getting tied up, spanked, etc., with lots of pleading and begging and whimpering. I asked her about all the exotic leather outfits and torture contraptions you see in the movies, and she said it was usually not that elaborate. Anyway, I've told you about my friend Wanda who's a domme. Well, she works out of her own studio, but I would imagine that in a "club" it would be something similar.

Out here in the boonies, we don't have them thar fancy fetish clubs. So the locals have discovered that your friendly neighborhood massage parlor is a nice alternative. I've learned over time about some of the basic BDSM stuff. But in the rooms, you kinda have to keep it simple. For example, we couldn't do the candlewax thing - too messy. I draw the line at:

Knives
Restraints on me (but I'll tie the shit outta you)
Candlewax
Spanking on me (but I'll beat the shit outta you)
Little girl role play (I won't do anything that references kids)
Customers feet (I will NOT touch a guys feet - EVER)

Fetish things that I have done at work include:

Foot worship
Role play
Dildoes/vibrators/strap-ons (no insertion)
Costumes (lingerie, high heels, boots, etc.)
Smoking
Ball busting (I could write a book on this alone)
Cum play
Dirty talk

Foot worship I just talked about, and I did older posts on dirty talk, smoking and dildoes/strap-ons. So that leaves...

Role Play
This is kinda fun for me, and it breaks up the monotony of the standard rub-n-tug session. I don't get requests for it very often, but when I do it's usually the "You've been a bad boy" kind. I've been asked to put my hair up and wear glasses as a school teacher who has to spank her bad student.

In my professional acting life I have played such dramatic roles as:

Bad Student (in need of discipline)
Seductress Teacher (you've been a bad boy)
Sexy Nurse (checking your temperature)
Police girl (I get to handcuff you)
Secretary (pleading for her job)
Boss (you plead for your job)
Ex-girlfriends (a weird one where I put on a wig and get called "Mary" or "Rachel" or whatever for an hour)

But my very personal favorite was Pizza Delivery Girl. A Regular had this detailed fantasy of seducing a Pizza Delivery Girl, so I agreed to do it. He got an outfit for me and even showed up with a fresh pizza! I put on A T-shirt with the name of some local pizzeria and had to knock on the massage room door while carrying the box. The fantasy revolved around him complaining about a cold pizza and how I could "make it up" to him. Of course it ends with a handjob and he tips me extra. And the best part about it was we got to have pizza afterwards!

Costumes
I'll wear outfits as long as they're new with the tags. I'll put on a Catholic school girl outfit, but I draw the line at any references to "little girls." Mostly I get requests to wear sexy lingerie. But occasionally a Regular will bring in something fun like a prison guard outfit or sexy nurse.

Now the serious guys will bring in very specific outfits such as conservative blouses and long skirts for a "secretary" or "she-boss" roll play. I think the most unique outfit I've ever had was a Burger King employee uniform. Complete with name tag and ugly hat! You can only guess what that role play was about, but let's just say that the outfit ended up needing a serious washing afterwards.

Ball Busting
This is a whole thing in and of itself. This is where guys want you (actually NEED you) to do extreme things to their balls and/or penis in order for them to get off. Some guys have virtually no sensation in their junk, so they ask you to do all sorts of weird stuff to them like punch, pinch, squeeze, and in some extremes stomp. I haven't said much about it in the blog because I haven't had a good one in a while, but I've got some stories of the things I've been asked to do that I swear none of you would believe.

Cum Play
This is a messy one that I'll only do with Regulars that I like and trust. Guys in general are fascinated by their own cum and just marvel at the little messes that they make. That said, some customers take it to extremes.

Breasts and face are the most common requests I get. I don't mind breasts, but only a very priveledged few have ever popped on my face (that shit stings the eyes!!!). Next most common is feet, and I'll get the occasional request for ass or stomach. I draw the line at hair - no fucking way.

Another variation of this is with clothing. The guys who bring in lingerie often request to cum on bras, stockings, and occasionally shoes. Weirdest request I ever got was from a guy who wanted to cum on a cowboy hat while I called him my "Pimp Daddy." The runner up to that was a guy who came on a pair sunglasses, then took them off me and licked them clean.

So for all you closet foot worshipers, diaper wearers, cross-dressers, role players, and spankers out there - don't give up. If you're tired of paying full-service prices at brothels, or you can't find one of these "clubs" around you, then give your local massage parlor a try. Don't be afraid to ask about your particular kink. Remember - there is NOTHING we haven't heard before.

CJ

My Day Off

Yesterday I got a day off because Trina wanted to trade shifts for this weekend so she could attend a wedding. I don't mind picking up some hours on Saturday because business has just started booming again.

Don't listen to those idiots on TV about the economy, listen to a masseuse. The economy is finally recovering because business has taken off for the first time in a year and a half!!!!

Anyway, what do you think I did on my precious weekday off? Go to a movie? Picnic in the park? Shopping at the outlets?

No. CJ went ghost hunting. Yes, you read that right. I was chasing ghosts like a regular old Ghostbuster. A couple of friends of mine (outer circle) are super into the paranormal. I mean these guys have the books and movies and everything about ghosts and spirits. But it's not too weird considering we have Gettysburg and the Amish country and such nearby, so there's actually a lot a ghost groupie can do around here.

The weather was decent so I thought it would be a nice day to spend driving around the countryside.

Wrong. My friends (Stacy and Greg) tracked down 2 places they wanted to investigate - an old gas station and an abandoned factory. Great - I just bought some fabulous new tank tops that The Girls have been dying to try out, and I'm crawling around old buildings.

Ghost hunting isn't just walking around an empty building at night after a six pack of Old Milwaukee. Stacy and Greg are totally serious about it. They do that "spirit photography" and seances and all that freaky shit. What we were trying to do was call the spirits out then take their pictures. I am not kidding.

They had a list of names of people who had died (I assume horribly) in these 2 buildings. So my job was to walk around calling out their names while they took pictures. To get an idea, Stacy would walk in front taking pics followed by me saying things like "Joe Smith... Are you here? Make yourself known to us..." Meanwhile, Greg would walk behind taking more pics.

The gas station was still in business, so we walked around the outside and tried not to draw attention to ourselves. The factory was empty and we went in through an open door, ignoring the "No Trespassing" signs. Talk about being scared as shit... if the ghosts don't get you, the meth-heads might. Luckily we didn't see anything other than pigeons living there.

I don't want to say that Stacy and Greg are full of it, but I don't see anything in those pics. They claim you can see "energy fields" or something like that if you look closely, but I just see specks of dust floating in the air.

And that's how I spent my day off. The End.

CJ

p.s. I know that some of you were probably hoping that our little field trip in the country would have ended up in a 3-some in the back of the car. Unfortunately, not all of my adventures end with a handjob. But I promise to think up something freaky for next time. LOL

Freak of the Week - The Cloud

This one's just nasty. The latest Freak of the Week isn't even a person - it's a monster. I don't know where to start because it's disgusting and weird and funny all at the same time.

Anyway, on Friday I was working the day shift with Audrey and business was decent (finally). I had in this one guy in the early afternoon who was your average Joe. I think he'd been in once or twice before. What I distinctly remember about our session was that he said he had Thai food for lunch. I remember because I love Thai food, but I rarely ever have it. I mean, who sits around and says "Hey, let's have Thai for lunch!"

So we finish the session and as we're both getting dressed he asks if he can use our bathroom before he leaves. I said sure, then I headed out the back door to have a smoke. Well, as I'm finishing my smoke, I hear Audrey up front yell "CJ! Get over here!"

I note the panic in her voice as I run back inside. I find Audrey standing smack in the middle of our lobby with her nose all crinkled. I'm wondering what the heck's going on when suddenly it hits me too... the absolute worst Gawd-awful shit-stinking smell that's ever been in history.

To help you picture the scene, the front of The Business is a lobby with front desk. A hallway runs directly down the middle of The Business with session rooms on either side (it's basically the same layout as a tanning salon). The first room on the left is a restroom for customers. So basically, the restroom is in the MIDDLE of everything.

I'm like "What the fuck is THAT smell?" and Audrey's like "I think it was your last customer."

The bathroom has one of those useless exhaust fans that only makes a noise so you'll think it's doing something. I was almost afraid to look and see what horrible devastation took place in the bathroom, but I knew Audrey wouldn't do it - AND ITS HER BUSINESS.

I kicked the door open and was shocked to find...

It was completely clean. Even the toilet was empty. Whatever he left behind - it was just a Cloud of Pure Evil Stink. I noticed that there were no paper towels in the wastebasket, so he didn't even wash his hands - EWWWW.

With nothing to actually scrub down or flush away, Audrey found a can of air freshener to fight off the foul smell. She sprayed and sprayed till the can was empty - the Cloud of Evil Stink ate the whole thing!

I swear to Gawd that I could hear it laughing at us.

Next we propped open the front and back doors, but that only seemed to help the Cloud spread through the entire building! Now the back office started to smell.

I got desperate, so I went through all the session rooms (holding my breath) and immediately lit all the aromatherapy candles in an effort to head 'em off at the pass. In the back closet I grabbed scented candles like hand grenades and brought them up front to join the fight. In the bathroom alone I tossed in 4, and the rest I scattered around the lobby.

This only made the Cloud angry and we could see lightning starting to flash around it's edges.

At about this point, a customer came in and stood at the front desk. Audrey booked him for 30 minutes, and no joke - he changed it to 15 after he got a good whiff of the lobby. Audrey took him to the last room down the hallway, but later said you could still smell it inside.

I wasn't about to sit at the desk with the Stink Cloud from Hell hovering over me, so I actually stood just outside the doorway and lit up another cigarette. A walk-in customer came up and I warned him about our little problem. He didn't believe me until he got one whiff, was totally skeeved out and left. 15 minutes pass and Audrey comes back out of her room just as a second customer also changes his mind.

I told her we can't do business like this. She agreed, so we put up the "Back in --- Minutes" sign and took a 1 hour lunch. Damned if we were going to put up with that smell. We were so desperate to kill the Evil Cloud that we actually left all the candles burning too. Torching the entire building would have been worth it to save the city from that Evil Smell.

And no - we didn't have Thai.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Foot Lovers

Yesterday I had another foot guy come in. The foot fetish is so common that it never occurred to me to write about it, let alone elevate it to Freak of the Week. THAT is how common it is. So there I was, sitting on the massage table (fully clothed) patiently waiting as my fully naked customer was kneeling in front of me - my right foot in one hand, himself in the other – when it suddenly dawned on me that some people may consider this odd. So today I will talk about the Foot Lovers.

Of all the fetishes I’ve seen, I would definitely say that foot worshiping is the most common. Now before I go on about foot stuff, I have a theory as to why we see so many of them here at The Business. It’s not because PA is home to the most pervs who are into feet - I think it’s because massage parlors are the most ideal place to cater to their needs.

Let me explain… Any full service place would gladly take them as customers, but for the most part, the foot guys are not interested in sticking their dicks in anything. So why pay for full service when there’s an alternative? The guys that I’ve talked to about it say that in a brothel, they don’t really know how to accommodate a guy who just wants access to a girls feet. For example, they would pay $60 for the door fee, another $200 for a full-service session, AND THEN another $100 or more for “fetish” stuff.

Since a massage parlor isn’t supposed to be full service, our prices are lower and clothing options are available. So if a guy just wants to look at my feet and take care of his own hand release, then he’s looking at $45 at the door, $60 for the fully-clothed option, and maybe an additional $60 for my “foot fee” ($100 if you want to cum ON my feet). So massage parlors just make economic sense, which is important in these trying times.

Anyway, back to the foot worshippers. There are a number of different kinks including:

Toe sucking
High heels
Leg humping
Pantyhose/socks
Foot release
Toenail polish (yes, some guy paid me to do my toes)
Foot massage

The most common are toe sucking followed by a foot release. With the foot release, I usually sit down while the guy gets on his knees (or lies on his back), holds my feet together and then slides his cock in between. Another variation has me on my back with my feet in the air while he fucks my feet from a standing position. And they almost always end with cum on the feet. I don’t mind, I just charge a little extra for it.

Some guys are just kinda turned on by it, and want to see my bare feet during a normal session (one guy insisted I keep wiggling my toes). Then they go all the way to the hardcore “I only wanna see your feet” kind. I LOVE those guys! They only take up 15 minutes of your time, you only have to take off your shoes and socks, and THEY do all the work! LOL.

My customer yesterday was one of them. Easiest session I’ve had in a while. He was new to The Business and he had trouble asking for what he wanted. Luckily I’m quite skilled in the language of the foot, so I quickly figured out what he wanted. I swear, he looked like a kid in a candy store as soon as I went over some of the foot-friendly options I offer. He settled on the barefooted, do-it-yourself Happy Ending, with jizz on the side (or the #2 as I like to call it). What was unique about the session was that he insisted on getting completely naked himself, except for his socks and shoes (yes, he put his shoes BACK on).

So I guess there are a few foot enthusiasts out there who are a little odd as well.

CJ

The Inner Circle

As I've been trying to figure out who the fuck's been telling people where I work, I have sorted out my friends into the "knows" and "don't knows." Some of you may be shocked to hear this, but the career field of Erotic Masseuse is not necessarily cherished and respected by all aspects of polite society. In fact, some would go so far as to hold us in less esteem than say "Hooter's Waitress."

So we are forced to keep a low profile. Now most of my friends and family know that I'm an LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist). The whole "shampooer" thing I only use with guys I meet, or anyone else annoying who just has to know what I do for a living (like salespeople).

Out of all those people, most of them think I work in a normal day spa. Then there are the privileged few who know I don't work for a "normal" spa. I'd say maybe a dozen or so know this. What they think is that I work in a massage parlor where all the girls wear bikinis. I would call these people the "Outer Circle" because they have an idea that it's not a normal massage place, but they know better than to ask too many questions. This group consists mostly of close friends, a couple ex-boyfriends, and my sister.

Then there is the "Inner Circle." This is the handful of people who know exactly what I do for a living. If you don't include co-workers (current and ex), Ex-boyfriends (who I confessed to), and customers-turned-friends, there are exactly 4 people who know I'm an Erotic Masseuse. Now if you add in the co-workers, ex's, and customers-turned-friends, that number jumps up to maybe 2 dozen.

And that's not a bad number to manage when you live in a small town where everyone knows your business. And for the most part, they've all proven to be trustworthy (except for that slip up last week).

As for this blog thing... I can safely say that only 3 people in the whole world know about it. That's 2 co-workers and my Techno-Geek that helps me with the computer/internet stuff. And that's it. Luckily, no customers have surprised me yet with "Have you read this blog called 'HappyEndingz?' I think you'd enjoy it."

So my secret identity is still safe for now!

CJ

Close Call

For those of you who've bothered to read some of the old crap I've talked about here, you know that I usually tell guys I meet that I'm a "shampooer" at a local day spa. Well for those of you who are new here, I usually tell guys I meet that I'm a "shampooer" at a local day spa. LOL

And that hasn't changed. As you may remember, I went online a while ago to try the internet dating thing. Since then I still give the old song-and-dance whenever someone asks me what I do for a living. It just simplifies things - believe me.

Anyway, the online thing has just gotten so boring. I will be the first to tell you that I give good chat. I can chat a guy up like you wouldn't believe, but the minute they ask for a phone number, I totally freeze up. I don't know what it is - everything completely changes on the phone for me.

Let me put it another way... I think since I went on the computer, I've chatted with probably a couple dozen guys (yes, I'm a chat slut), talked to maybe 5, and actually met only 2. And those 2 lasted only 1 date each.

Ya know, I think my problem is that I'm a real Fuck-em-and-leave-em kinda girl. When I really want to get laid, I usually just pick a friend of a friend of a friend who I know I'll never see again, and I just go for it. And with 3 degrees of separation, it's really easy to ditch them afterwards without offending any of my close friends.

Now a guy's gotta really rock my world for me to want to see him again. And unfortunately, this is the formula that I have inevitably used to find my last couple of loser boyfriends. Great in the sack? - you're in. Got a job and you're nice to your mother? - get lost.

And that brings me to Archie. I'll call him "Archie" because he has that clean-cut, nerdy kinda look of the comic book Archie (as opposed to my other male friend "Brad Pitt Clone" who looks like Ben Affleck). He's completely unlike anyone I've ever met. And by that I mean he's a friend of a friend. Yikes - That's a whole friend closer!!! That puts him within reach of my inner circle of friends, which for me is waaaaaaaay too close for comfort for reasons that you will see.

Now before you start thinking I'm a total whore - I have not done anything with Archie. We just met for Gawd's sake. But we did have a good time chatting last week when a bunch of us got together at a local bar. At first I thought he was interesting and nice, but without that extra "friend" of separation, I wrote him off as off-limits. Well, it turns out that he's the persistent kind, so he made a few inquiries and found out where to find me!

And to make things more interesting, he bypassed the whole surprise phone call thing and decided to surprise me at work.

AT WORK!!!!!!

Now I don't know who the fucking bitch-skank-whore-slut-pig-dog is who told this guy where I work (but I do have my suspicions JANE), but I have to now deal with the problem. So there I am, hanging out at the back door having a smoke after a particularly grueling session with a 300 lbs. trucker with erectile dysfunction issues, when I get a shout out from Audrey at the desk.

"Hey CJ! There's someone here to see you!"

Normally a scheduled appointment would just be booked in and led into the room by whoever's at the front desk, so this is odd. I stamp out my cigarette and walk up front. Let me tell ya - my heart skipped a beat when I saw Archie standing there. It's not the first time I've been surprised by someone at work, but it doesn't get any easier each time it happens.

"Uhhhhhhh... Hey you" I managed to say. "What are you doing here?" Notice it's not "Good to see you" or "What a nice surprise!"

He can tell I'm surprised, but he can't tell it's in a bad way. "Hi CJ. I just thought I'd stop by and..." (Time froze right here. I was terrified he was going to ask to be shown around) "... take you out to lunch."

PHEW! Time started moving again. You see, as a "shampooer" I would need rinsing sinks to shampoo in. Also, salon chairs, mirrors, racks of hair products, and all the other stuff you need in a day spa. Thank Gawd most guys have no idea what a day spa is supposed to look like (at first glance, our lobby looks like that of a tanning salon).

Audrey gave me a shit-eating grin. "I said it was fine! Go you two - have a good time." Grin grin grin.

To make a long story short, I got him the fuck outta there. Last thing I needed was for Archie to see some seedy looking guys coming in to "get their hair done." I made him take me to a McDonald's a good distance away where we made small talk for half an hour. I also got the message across that he was to never do that again - but in a nice way.

He tried to squeeze a real date out of me, but I talked him down to a scheduled phone call instead. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, but scaring the shit outta me at work is -1000 points right there. He's either an old fashioned romantic, or a stalker. It's still too early to tell.

But he does have a job. LOL

CJ

Preaching to the Choir

It's funny - I really wasn't expecting anyone to comment about what I said on Saturday. But you guys still had some interesting things to say.

The reason why massage therapists require licenses is the same reason why plumbers need licenses. You wouldn't want any idiot with a wrench to call himself a plumber would you? As for us masseuses, we don't want anyone who thinks they know how to give a back rub to advertise therapeutic, pre-natal, or sports massage.

Then there's the erotic massage. If you ask me, I think most girls who do this for a living aren't qualified. Perhaps they need licenses too! I mean, any skank can give a handjob (up, down, repeat as needed), but what else are you gonna do for the other 30 minutes?

And that's why erotic massage is such a weird thing for the authorities to be concerned with. The actual happy ending portion is only 10% of the session - the rest is massage (or it normally is anyways.). Now in a brothel, you could spend your entire 30 minutes fucking and sucking. That's 100% of the session dedicated to an "illegal" activity. Compare that to us - why that's 10 times more illegal than we are!!!!

So it's a damn shame when I hear that one of you guys found a provider on the internet or wherever, and then the session went really bad. I mean - it gives the rest of us a bad name.

Case in point... I have a friend (we'll call him "Bill") who found a local provider on the internet and went to her place for an erotic massage. He ends up in this really dirty, skanky apartment - the kind where you actually worry about finding a clean spot to leave your clothes.

Anyway, he meets this woman and she spends the beginning of the session texting on her cell phone, and smoking like a chimney. "Bill" is expecting a sensual massage with happy ending... maybe negotiate a little something "extra" towards the end. Now before he can ask for any options, she puts out the cigarette and immediately wraps her mouth around his cock!!!!

Needless to say, the session ended quite quickly. So much for the massage. So much for the anticipation. So much for the happy ending.

And that's why I think we should start licensing erotic massage therapists, instead of driving them out of business. It's for the consumers protection.


CJ
Consumer Advocate

To The Guy Looking For A "High Quality" Massage With Happy Ending...

Don't worry...

Several states in the northeast are trying to implement some new laws forbidding anyone without an LMT license to advertise "massage" services. PA plans to start cracking down on massage parlors next year by fining businesses and individuals without licenses, or with less than 5 years of "documented" experience. Other states are even shooting for jail time!!!

So if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a Business like ours that still employs LMTs to do the dirty work. The bad news is that it'll shut down a lot of the smaller places, and the ones that are full service.

The problem of course is that it'll be tough to implement. A lot of Businesses pay girls under the table so there's no proof that you've hired anyone without a license. And the Asian places have the ability to shut down in 1 day and open the next since a lot of them work out of rented houses instead of actual office space.

Then there's the internet and Craigslist. People will still be advertising their non-licensed services and it'll be almost impossible to track those people down. So in the end, it really is just a big waste of the cops time.

So just hang in there! Pretty soon all the amateurs will have to resort to "back alley" massages! LOL

CJ

HappyEndingz - International Edition: South of the Border

Since I mentioned Mexico last time, it reminded me of a funny story. So I've decided to make it the 2nd installment in my series on "HappyEndingz - International Edition."

I had this Regular who used to travel all over the country for work. He told me this story about the time he decided to break in the new guy on the crew by taking him to a strip club in Tijuana or something. Remember what I said last time about how in Mexico there's no distinction between strip clubs and brothels? Well, apparently it wasn't uncommon to see the girls blowing customers under the tables in this joint - it was that bad.

So the new guy - Kevin - is the guest of honor and the guys buy him rounds of shots till he's nice and happy. That's when they introduce him to a very lovely girl...

"Hello there. My name is Kevin, what's your name?"

"Maria."

"That's a very pretty name. It's nice to meet you Maria."

"Hola Keveeen."

"This is a cool place. You like working here?"

"Sucky fucky 15 dollars."

"This is my first job. I just graduated from the University of Tennessee. Where did you go to school?"

"Sucky fucky 15 dollars."

"I guess it's OK so far. The guys here are all pretty cool. Do you like the girls you work with?"

"Sucky fucky 15 dollars."

"So uh... How much to go upstairs?"

Upstairs is where most of the action took place. Maria leads Kevin in to a pitch black room and sits him in a chair. Without a word, she undoes his pants and pulls them down around his ankles. She starts blowing him and apparently he's loving it, but after a few shots he's too relaxed to cum quickly. He starts to moan and Maria quickly puts a finger to his lips. She takes his dick out of her mouth long enough to whisper "shhhhhhhh."

A couple minutes go by and he's starting to get into it when suddenly he's blinded by the room lights coming on. Kevin blinks a few times and looks around... the place is packed with other guys silently getting blowjobs.

And standing at the door with his finger on the light switch is the biggest, toughest, meanest looking Mexican he's ever seen. He gives the entire room a dirty look and says loudly "30 dollars."

Kevin looks down at Maria for help. She just kinda shrugs her shoulders as if this is a normal part of foreplay for any blowjob.

The Big Guy begins to walk around the room taking a collection. When he finally gets to Kevin, he asks "So does this include the 15 dollars I already paid downstairs?"

Apparently the Big Guy isn't used to questions, but is more than happy to entertain them. He thinks for a moment and answers in his best english "30 dollars."

"Yes, but what I'm asking is whether this includes the money I paid downstairs, or is it on top of that?"

"30 dollars."

"I understand that it's 30 dollars now. But if you're saying that it's an addtional 30 dollars above the 15 I've already paid, then I think that's unfair considering..."

After a very lively debate with the Big Guy that ended with the words "30 dollars," Kevin realized just how weak his position was (sitting in a chair, pants down around his ankles, half limp dick in the hands of a pretty Mexican prostitute, under the shadow of a very large Mexican man) so he dug into his wallet and handed the money over.

With the last of the money collected, the lights went back out again. Poor Kevin was a bit shaken by all this, so he apologized to a very confused Maria that he couldn't finish. With a very concerned note in her voice, she inquired "Sucky fucky 15 dollars?"

He just got up and went back downstair. He never saw the lovely Maria ever again, but his co-workers didn't stop laughing about it until long after they came back across the border.

And they said NAFTA wouldn't work.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Sex Toy

I got the comment the other day asking "What's the difference between a 'strict business transaction' and you being a 'rented sex toy' if you charge someone $50 to do something sexual to you?"

I didn't find it offensive, but I did find it annoying. It's an attitude that's not uncommon with some of the newbies out there that comes from a naive understanding of what goes on in a massage parlor. Well lucky for you guys - that's why I'm here... to teach you guys about these things!

First off, let me explain that an erotic masseuse (or any other person in the so-called "sex industry") is NOT a sex toy. A sex toy is a piece of plastic that you can do whatever perverted thing you want with. An erotic masseuse is a girl who provides a relaxing massage followed by a happy ending, usually performed with the hands.

Hey - we provide a service just like anyone else in the service industry where everything is negotiated up front. Would you walk up to a waitress and take whatever food she's carrying? No. Just because she's "your" waitress, doesn't mean she's carrying "your" food. Calling a masseuse a "sex toy" is like calling a waitress a "stove." (And bravo to the guy who said "accountant" vs. "adding machine"!)

It's the same thing with us. When you're in my session room, you have to negotiate for services rendered just like anyone else. What some of the newbies assume (incorrectly) is that they "own" us for the next 30 minutes and can do whatever they damn well please because they're paying for it. They start off all pushy and grabby, and then act surprised when you tell them to back off. I got news for ya - you're not paying to remove the word "No" from my vocabulary. That seems to be the biggest misconception about "sex workers" in general - that anything goes just because cash is involved.

Case in point - About 2 months ago, I had a Mexican guy come in and ask for a 30 minute session. When I joined him in the room, he was sitting in the chair fully clothed, but with his pants down around his ankles. When I asked him what the fuck he was doing, he said he just wanted a blow job. I told him this is not that kind of place and he started to argue with me. Apparently he didn't understand the difference between a massage parlor and a brothel.

Now when I pointed out that this guy was "Mexican" it's because in Mexico (so I've been told) there is virtually no difference between a brothel, massage parlor or strip club. Down there they are all one and the same. I didn't get offended by him, I just had to carefully explain things to him. When it finally registered with him what I do for a living, we both had a laugh and he settled in to a normal session.

I hope this clear things up for some of you out there. Now go on out there and get some massages. I had to work on Saturday and business was totally dead!

CJ

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace - Or What Do You Call Inappropriate When Ass-Pinching is in Your Job Description?

Today I thought I'd get serious for once. I got some really interesting comments the other day on my post about stealing a business. So that got me thinking about some of the other shit that we have to put up with in this line of work - both from customers and bosses.

Let's start with customers...

For the most part, the customers are usually respectful and know what is or isn't allowed. Let me point out here to those of you who haven't tried your first erotic massage yet - NEVER ASSUME WHAT YOU CAN DO IN SESSION, ALWAYS ASK FIRST. In other words, ask before you touch. I can't stand it when some asshole thinks he can start grabbing my breasts or rear end as soon as I walk in the room. I allow touch "within reason" and I appreciate it when the customer asks permission first.

So consider yourself lucky - where else is it perfectly normal to ask "Pardon me ma'am, but may I fondle your breasts?" See? that wasn't so bad, was it? It's just standard massage parlor etiquette. Heck, I recently had a customer ask me very politely if he could finger my asshole. I politely declined, but the point is that he ASKED FIRST (then I told him that he might want to try Cindy next time - LOL).

Probably the most common form of harassment from the customers is the grabby kind. - guys that are just constantly grabbing, pinching, or squeezing something. Remember - no touch is welcome until you ask first. That's true of any place you go to. So when a guy starts to act like an octopus, I generally just tell him to either back off, or fork over an extra $50. You would be surprised to see how well that works when you put a dollar amount on harassment. It's really funny - once the customers realize that I'm not a rented sex toy and that this is just a strict business transaction, they start to act professional as well. I think it's a guy thing.

When a guy just won't lay off, or is disrespectful in other ways, I just say "hit the road." Letting some asshole ruin my day is NEVER worth the cash. In my room, I'm in charge and I make the rules - not the customers cash.

Then there are the bosses...

The most common form of harassment from a boss is usually the "Pay to Play" kind. In other words, he wants a little action on the side if you want to keep your job.

I've only worked for 1 guy who tried that shit on me. I think it was the second place I worked at, and the guy bought the business and assumed management. He had no clue what he was doing, and he just assumed he was this Big Old Pimp Daddy, and we were his Ho's. He tried his shit on everyone, until one by one we all left. What these guys don't understand is that a Business is just that - a business. If you fuck with the employees, they will fuck with you.

But in every Business there will be some girls who are like "what's another blowjob?" when they're pulling down big bucks during their shift. Heck - even I've given away the occasional handjob as a favor, but that still doesn't make it right.

Now if you want to see true "harassment" in the workplace, you gotta go to the mob-run Asian places. There, the girls live on the premises, aren't allowed to leave, and never see any of the money they earn. Don't believe me? In all my years in the Business, I have NEVER worked with an Asian girl. No one around here has either - because they just never leave the premises.

I hope you guys have been paying attention during my little lecture. To summarize - the next time you want to stick your finger up your co-workers ass - remember to ask first.

CJ

Confessions of an Anonymous Masseuse

It's funny - I get a couple requests a week from you guys to see me in session. Some are as simple as "I'll be your way next Thursday. Can I see you around 1?" All the way up to "I know this is gonna sound weird, and you'll probably say no, but here goes anyway..."

One paticularly flattering guy said he was willing to drive 10 hours to see me! LOL Now if only I could get my old Regulars to get off their assess and do the same, I'd be happy. I thought one of the more unique requests was from a guy who wanted to visit with his girlfriend so she could "study" my infamous double-handed criss-cross technique (demonstrated on him of course). Now if your girlfriend is willing to take a lesson in handjobs - THAT is love.

Unfortunately, if I want to maintain this tell-all blog thing, then I can't see any one! And you know what - I think that totally sucks. You guys should all write your congressman and demand to make massage parlors legal. Stand up for your rights! (no pun intended).

Now before you all make up posters and T-shirts and chain yourself to City Hall, let me leave you with 1 last story. This was perhaps the most creative request ever to see me.

Imagine this...

You fly into Philly International Airport. At the curb, there is a limo waiting. The windows are blackened, and the chaffeur will not talk to you. He takes your bags and issues you into the car. During the drive, you have absolutely no idea where you are going. the twists and turns in the road reveal nothing. In fact, the limo may take a few unnecessary turns just to throw you off.

At last, the limo comes to a complete stop. For the first time, you hear the limo driver talk. He simply instructs you to put on a blindfold that is sitting on the seat in front of you. After it's snugly on, he finally comes around and lets you out of the car. You are escorted a few steps left, right and then straight. A door is opened and you hear a little electronic chime letting you that you have just entered "The Business."

A friendly female voice welcomes you and takes your hand. She leads you a few more steps into a room. You are instructed to keep the blindfold on as unfamiliar hands begin to undress you. When you are ready, you're led to a massage table, helped on and told to "make yourself comfortable."

You lean back and relax as she leaves. A few moments later, you hear the door open and close. Instead of a voice, you hear the soft rustle of fabric. There's a slight noise made as a shirt hits the floor. You hear the unmistakeable snap of a bra being undone. Then a zipper and more quiet noises as a pair of pants joins the shirt.

Finally, a different set of unfamiliar hands begins to softly caress your lower legs, and slowly work their way up to your head where they remove the blindfold.

"Hi, I'm CJ."

So, think that would work?

CJ

Confessions of an Internet Superstar

Audrey was surfing the web the other day when she found a couple new references to The Business in one of those adult review websites. Every couple of weeks I also check. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.

Someone took the time to give a review on Audrey, Trina and myself. Each one of us had a different post. The guy said that Audrey was "OK in the face," gave a decent massage and an enjoyable happy ending. No mention of full service, so I'm guessing our anonymous reviewer must not be one of her Regulars.

My review consisted of "cute" blonde with "fabulous tits." Thanks guy. But I got annoyed because he said that during the massage I "bounced" The Girls off his back. I have no clue what he's talking about because I never do that. If you look at the height of the massage tables, it would be really tough for me to lean that much over the customer. The guy must be full of shit and I doubt he was ever my customer. I was mad but Audrey just laughed it off and told me not to worry about it. Easy for her to say - she got a decent review.

Then there was Trina's.

This asshole had nothing nice to say about her. Basically he went on and on about how she's ugly and overweight and has no business working in a parlor. Nothing about her massages, so I wonder if he was ever a customer of hers. Or maybe he was just one of those assholes who got pissed off when she wouldn't offer him full service. Shit like that happens often.

About a year ago we found a review of us in one of those local "Yellow Pages" type of sites. That really surprised us because it's meant for things like pizza parlors and car mechanics. But there we were - 3 reviews of The Business.

One was very nice and didn't say anything that would make you think we were anything less than a regular day spa. Then the other 2 reviews were obviously written by the same person under different names. They were both posted on the same day and basically trashed us.

The first said we were nothing but a whorehouse and that we had no right being in business and the police should come close us down, Blah blah blah. Now the other post I thought was funny. It was all about Audrey and how she's a man-stealing skank, and no one in their right mind should let their husbands go to this place, etc., etc.

Personally, I thought it was close to the mark. But for whatever reasons, Audrey was freaked out by it. So I called my personal Techno-Geek and asked him if he could do something about it. He made a few inquiries and figured out how to have the bad reviews deleted.

Every couple of months we'll find a new reference to The Business on the internet. I'm paranoid about them because they usually use my real name. If anyone I know ever put 2 and 2 together, I may be in trouble. But apart from the whole Everyone-Knows-What-I-Do-For-A-Living thing, the posts are usually not bad. I know I'm a good masseuse, and the reviews usually say I give a good massage and I'm not full service. That and "fabulous tits" anyway.

A friend of mine recently showed me some websites of callgirls. I was amazed that these girls show pictures, prices, descriptions and even reviews!!! I was shocked - I mean the thought of anyone I knew seeing me up on the internet like that.

Now imagine if erotic massage were perfectly normal and legal... The Business could have a website showing hours, directions, prices and even pictures of us! Talk about customer service. I've seen actual websites like this, but they were usually in places like New Zealand where it's legal (Hmmmmmmm... idea for next "Happyendingz - International"). A reader once forwarded me a site for a massage business that was questionable. It didn't really give away anything, or even use common code words or lingo, so I was surprised to learn that he actually got a happy ending there.

So there you have it guys - I'm actually floating around out there in cyberspace if you're lucky enough to find me. Here's an idea for a new contest... The first customer to get me in session and mention the word "HappyEndingz" gets a free double. Good luck!

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Gynocologist

I've noticed an interesting trend lately. For the last year, Audrey has been getting more and more appointments while the rest of us have been getting less and less. Well, over the last month or so that has been changing. What I think is that customers were getting lured away since she cuts her prices. But now I think that guys are just getting sick of her bad attitude and are willing to spend the REGULAR price for a better quality session. Either that or the economy is getting better!

It's nice that we're finally starting to see some old Regulars come back. But every once in a while I'll get a guy who Audrey can keep for all I care. Last night's customer is a perfect example.

Let's call this guy Daniel. This guy has always been an Audrey Regular until yesterday. He obviously didn't want to see her because he knows her schedule. I didn't say anything when I recognized him, but I did smile to myself knowing that she has another defector.

He booked an hour then asked for a mutual. "Mr. Moneybags" I thought. Usually her old customers take 30 minutes, then demand a topless for half price. This was refreshing.

Daniel insisted on massaging me first. When I got on the table, he told me to lay on my back which I thought was odd since you normally massage the back first, then end with the breasts. He wanted to depart from proper massage etiquette and go straight for The Girls, which is kinda like having dessert before the appetizer. But it was his dime, so I didn't complain.

He moves over to the table and starts kneading my left breast with his fingertips. "I'm going to give you a breast exam." he says matter-of-factly. "I'm looking for any lumps." He's not smiling when he says this, instead he's dead serious. Now I'm used to guys making small talk during session, but it's usually along the lines of "So you like working here?" It's really funny the kinds of things guys will say when they've got 2 handfuls of breast, and they want to look like they do this all the time.

"Let me know if you find any Dan" I manage to say. At least he's not squeezing them or trying to pinch my nipples.

"Call me Doctor Johnson."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... so that's his kink. He thinks he's a doctor. I can play along. I told him that I recently saw my gynecologist and that really got Daniel going. He must have asked me 20 questions about it - and I mean the real technical kind too. Apparently Dan is REALLY into gynecology, which is odd considering he's a salesman for roofing supplies.

While I'm answering his questions, I eventually mentioned a speculum. Let me tell ya - this was Daniels happy button. He had me go into detail about the speculum, meanwhile I noticed that he started playing with himself. I tried to sneak a peek, but he kept it hidden below the edge of the massage table. So now he was rubbing my right breast with his right hand, and taking care of business with his left while I just lied there talking about my last gyno visit. I was only hoping that he wouldn't make a mess on the side of my table.

Daniel was a good boy and didn't stain anything in the room. He got bored with The Girls and then told me to switch spots (what a rip - 20 minutes of getting my breasts poked and I don't even get a back rub!). Unlike Dan, I follow proper massage etiquette and start on his shoulders, then work my way down his back.

But he still wants to talk about that damn speculum. "I have one you know. I like to use it on my girlfriend." I tried to change the subject, but he just presses on. "Yeah... I like to get her nice and wide open. Then I look inside her with a flashlight." At this point I'm starting to see where this is going. "I'd like to bring it in next time. Would you mind?"

Phew! At least he doesn't have it with him. But now I'm thinking that if he's one of Audrey's Regulars, then you know he's been using it on her. Yuck. I pretend like I might be into it just so he'll give up more info. As he talks, I learn he doesn't have a girlfriend (what a surprise), but instead does this with "a special lady" he sees regularly. If by "special" he means slow, then he must mean Audrey.

Finally we get to the end part he acts a little confused when I start to rub the oil on his dick. When I ask him what's wrong he says "Uhhhh... I haven't gone down on you yet."

I want to scream "Ewww Ewww Ewww Ewwww!" but instead I give him a polite "I'm sorry... but I don't offer that as an option." He's obviously used to doing this with Audrey so I hope he takes a hint and doesn't ask for me again. Daniel is quiet during the hand release (fine by me), but he actually thanks me afterwards and tips me an extra $20.

That was nice of him, but I really really really don't want him to show up next time with his own speculum and flashlight, expecting me to call him Doctor.

CJ

The Girlfriend Experience

I got a weird request today at work. I know that may sound funny coming from me considering I don't think "could you stick a finger up my ass?" a weird request. But I thought it was odd just the same. Not weird enough to make Freak of the Week, but still worth talking about.

It was a new customer. After we got in the room and I started going over the options (and for all you newbies out there, they are Topless, G-string, and Nude). He took a G-string, but then asked if I offered a "Girlfriend Experience" or GFE as I learned later.

I told him I had never heard of that option before, and he explained that it's basically a more relaxed, laid back type of session with cuddling, kissing, and no clock watching.

Unfortunately I had to tell him "no" - especially for a new customer. But I did end up picking his brain about it during our session. It's the first time I had ever heard of that expression, but I guess it's really meant as an option for full-service escorts. The more he talked about it I realized that it's actually kinda what I do with my Sugar Daddies. No clock watching, more affectionate touching, and the occasional kiss.

I've never really made out with an SD, except for maybe once or twice. And I was drunk. OK, maybe 3 or 4 times. But that's it. And it was just one guy who I really liked. So I've only made out with an SD just the 7 times.

I think it's just never occurred to me that kissing would be an extra or an option. I've never done it in session, and I can't remember any of my co-workers mentioning it either. But I do have a colleague who I met through this blog who does erotic massage, and at her Business they offer "Frenching" as an option. In fact - they consider it a standard option. I guess the idea is that your masseuse will tongue kiss you during the hand release.

I don't know... the idea of making out with strange guys at work seems inappropriate. I told you that story earlier about the guy who wanted me to kiss him during a double. I said that I don't believe that old "Pretty Woman" bullshit about kissing is too intimate for work. I just think it's gross - especially when you think about some of the guys who come in here! I already keep deodorant in the room - I don't to want keep toothpaste as well.

And we do get the occasional Hottie in here, but I don't fantasize about kissing them... I fantasize about fucking them. So nope - I don't see "frenching" as a new option any time soon.

CJ

Cindy and the Full Service Option

So I'm sitting in the back room TRYING to say something intelligent on this blog thing, when Cindy pops out of her session room to talk to me.

"Hey CJ - you're not gonna believe this, but Roger wants to do a double!"

Roger is one of Cindy's Regulars, and also the first one to see her since she came back from having the baby. He's THAT big of a fan.

I'm almost as surprised by this news as she is. "What, did he win the lottery or something?" For the new guys out there, a "double" option is when the customer wants 2 girls. Since the entire world is broke, we don't get any calls for them anymore, so this is good news.

"Kinda. He said he just won some settlement or something and wants to celebrate..." Cindy trails off and looks down for a second. She starts to turn red and then tells me, "I think he wants me to blow him. Do you mind?"

Cindy was a good girl for a little while there, but I knew deep down it wouldn't last. And it's not like I haven't watched her do a customer before. Heck, the stories I could tell you from the old days... Anyway, I'm more impressed by the fact that she's embarrassed and turning red. I think she's really been trying to turn over a new leaf.

I look her in the eye and say "Naaaaah. That baby of yours needs some new clothes, so let's do this. As long as I don't have to do anything weird."

Cindy takes me by the hand and starts dragging me to her room. "You know Roger. He's cool."

The way a double typically works is that 2 girls massage the guy at the same time. For example, I may work the guys back while the other girl works the legs. The tip is the same as if he were paying each of us for a single. Now if he wants "extras" then the price goes up quickly. For example, guys almost always ask for the "lesbian show" during a double.

Roger isn't a bad looking guy. He's probably in his late 40's and burly. Cindy's probably more than happy that I'll be helping out with the massage. His face lights up when he sees me walk in. "Hey girl! Ready to party?!" He's obviously in a good mood.

"Since when did you become Mr. Money Bags, huh?" I ask as I take my shirt off and unhook my bra. He explains that he finally got some money for falling off a roof or something over a year ago. As he's talking I finish undressing and then push him back on the table where I start on his shoulders while Cindy takes his lower legs. Guys tell me it's a wonderful sensation to have 2 very different parts of the body worked on at the same time.

When our 4 combined hands finally meet at Roger's rear end, we ask him to flip over. Cindy moves to take his legs again, and I move up over his head so I can massage the top of his shoulders. But now that he can enjoy the view he paid double for, he eventually brings it up, "Uh... can I get you two to be 'friendly' to each other?"

Wow - Roger must really be in a good mood. Cindy and I look at each other. She gives me a pleading look and I just sort of sigh. "Sure Roger," Cindy starts, "and are you still interested in what we talked about?"

He nods vigorously and smiles. I give Cindy a questioning look and she gives me a wink. She's already negotiated the extra tip, so we both move to the same side of the table.

Now let me stop here and mention that Cindy's breasts are HUGE. Between the baby and the implants, they have been busting out of her bra for a couple months now. I'm a little nervous to touch them because they're shaped kinda weird and I know they're not empty. So to start, I just kinda run my fingertips around the sides. Cindy keeps working on his leg while I move behind her and cup both her breasts in my hands.

I have a "script" I use for the lesbian show which is usually along the lines of "Oh baby... you are so hot..." etc. But this time I genuinely say, "Damn Cindy... your breasts are totally swollen and they're warm to the touch!"

Cindy laughs. "Aren't they? Watch my nipples... they're really really tender right now."

Now we're actually having a real conversation and this is not part of the show, but Roger is like "Fuck! This is hot!" When I realize he's getting off on what for us is a technical discussion, I use it to my advantage and start playing it up. I exaggerate my rubbing and say things like "Mmmmmmmm... I wonder if they'd be hot on my tongue... Mmmmmm" etc.

Eventually we switch places and I start to massage his pecs, while Cindy starts running her fingers under my breasts and over my stomach. After a few minutes of this, Cindy reaches between his legs - signaling that the shows over and it's happy ending time. That's the one good thing about the lesbian show - it really hurry's things along.

Since I'm closer to the rack, I hand the bottle of warm oil over to Cindy. Then I take my place next to him so I can caress his chest.

Let me take another moment to explain how we typically do a double happy ending. Usually 1 girl will do most of the work while the other caresses the customers thighs or chest. Upon request, the lesbian show might continue through the ending but we've discovered that it's kinda awkward to try to fondle someone when she's trying to concentrate on the job at hand (pun intended). Besides, the caressing technique also helps the guy finish quicker.

A lot of customers ask for the double handjob at this point. I hate to break it to you guys, but unless you're hung like a horse it's really hard to wrap more than 2 hands around a prick. And even trying 1 hand from each girl isn't easy. You really have to pay attention to what you're doing to get the timing and the rhythm right else it's just painful for the guy. So please stop asking and let us do our jobs - we're professionals you know.

OK - back to Cindy. She puts of bottle of oil down and instead says "Roger wants a special ending." I forgot about the blowjob, so I go back to caressing his chest while Roger directs her to get a condom out of his pants pocket.

Interesting... he came prepared. That means that Cindy is NOT doing this on a regular basis. That's my girl - there's hope for you yet!

While she's putting the condom on him, Roger looks at me and asks "Will you do something special for me while she does that?" I'm assuming that Cindy's explained that I'm not full service, so maybe he wants me to rub his balls or something - who knows. I usually don't have to get involved at this point.

"Uh... like what" I ask suspiciously.

"Could we make out?"

That I was not expecting. Roger then explained to me that one of the most intimate of pleasures that one can enjoy from a threesome is that of kissing while receiving oral favors. Whoa - that had never occurred to me before. And I have to admit that I was intrigued, BUT this was one party where I had to give - not receive.

Now if Cindy would be willing to... NAAAHHHHH

I told him that, no offense, but I don't kiss customers. It's not that "Pretty Woman" bullshit about keeping some things "personal" either. I just think the idea of making out with strange men is gross. As we all know, you should only make out with strange guys in the parking lot of a bar, piss drunk, while your girlfriends are trying to drag you into the car. THAT'S ok.

But I have to admit that I could see where Roger was coming from. I didn't want him to leave feeling like he missed a rare opportunity, so I decided that maybe we could negotiate something.

I asked him if it was absolutely necessary that we make out.

He said "no" but he really really would appreciate it.

I told him I've never done that with a customer before.

He said if it's a money issue he would gladly take care of me.

I said it's not - I just think it's weird.

He asked if he could give me a hickey.

I said "no fuckin way."

He asked if he could suck on my tits instead.

Cindy pulled the cock out of her mouth and said "Just fucking kiss him already. My jaw is getting tired!"

THAT was the moment I was waiting for. I was wondering how long I could keep him distracted before she realized what I was up to. I started laughing out loud and I could hear a "... I...uckin...ate...oo..." between slurps. Have you ever tried talking with a dick in your mouth? It's harder than it looks.

Anyway, I had my fun so I decided to finally help her out. I had no intention of making out with anyone, so I grabbed his head in both my hands and pulled him in between The Girls. "You gonna take care of me Roger?" I knew that between his face buried in my breasts and Cindy's mouth wrapped around his cock, he was going to say "yes" to anything. Heck, I coulda asked him to buy me a car at that point.

But I just wanted him to finish, so I continued to hold his head in my hands and I moved slowly down till my face was just inches from his. I looked him deep in the eyes and asked "Is this OK?" I exhaled deeply so he could feel just how close my mouth was to his. I knew it was working when he squeaked a little "un-huh." So I held his gaze and just sort of lightly brushed my lips over his lips and nose while doing some dirty talk. He came a few moments later. I noticed that Cindy did the move where she keeps him in her mouth till he's finished cumming. Nice touch I thought.

I let her clean him up while I put my clothes back on. I figured my job was done! LOL Roger left a happy man and I made a few extra bucks. Not a bad day afterall.

CJ

And the Winner is...........

Announcing the winner of the "Name the new Business" contest... and the winner is....

Hands N Tans!!!

I liked it because it sums up what the 2 Businesses do, but not in a dirty way. I could totally see a legitimate Business actually using this name. Girls would come in to tan and would never even notice, meanwhile their boyfriends would be snickering as they went next door.

And I have to give mention to my other 2 favorites in the "not in a million years" category:

Cum and Tan
Rays and Sprays

I swear - if erotic massage were 100% legal, I would use one of those. Oh well - maybe I should move to Canada.

So let me give you an update on what's going on with all this drama. The landlord hasn't said anything new since he pulled that extortion bullshit a couple weeks ago. However, since then there have been some MAJOR fights between us worker bees and the queen bee Audrey.

It all started when I finished up a customer who usually sees Audrey. I didn't think twice about it since he came in, did NOT ask for Audrey, and took me instead. It was just a normal routine topless with hand release session. As he was leaving, Audrey recognized him. As soon as the door closed behind him, she starts bawling me out. Accused me of stealing her customers behind her back, lying to customers, lying to her... in other words - all the stuff she does to us in front of our faces.

That was it - I had had it. Over the last 2 months we've all noticed that Business has taken a nose dive. Regulars have been disappearing, and those that stay have been complaining about Audrey's bad attitude. They've been getting sick and tired of her trying to lure them away every single time they call for an appointment. She does everything from offering discounts to outright lying ("she's not here today, but I can see you...").

Something snapped in me and I started yelling back at her. Then Trina came in and she joined me. It was UGLY. Three women screaming at the top of their lungs for about 15 minutes. It all ended with her storming off, doors getting slammed, and threats to fire us and close the Business.

Things have quieted down since then, but it's still tense. I spent a shift where I didn't say 2 words to her for 6 hours. Trina confessed that she's started looking for part time work at the mall. Cindy said she contacted another parlor across town and they're hiring. I called a friend of mine who owns a place near the city and she said they could use the help. THAT'S how bad it is.

Now before you all worry that I'm outta here and won't have any new stories for you - don't worry. It's all talk right now. I think we're all gonna sit down very soon and have a serious conversation about the Business and where it's heading.

CJ

The Triumphant, Magnificent, Much Anticipated Return of Sugar Daddy Pete

Actually, we had a couple returns this week. First, I would like to share the good news that Cindy is back with us. the new mommy is doing well, and now she's back to work. She still has a few baby pounds on her, but considering how skinny she was in the first place, I think it looks good on her. And let me tell ya - those implants look ridiculously big right now. It might help if she bought some new bras.

And second, I finally heard something from Sugar Daddy Pete after 6 long months. Yes - it's been that long. To refresh your memory, he was the incredibly generous gentleman who wooed me at the beginning of the year, and even got me to go out on a date and see his new vacation home out in the country.

He sent me a text message.

Six months after a night of expensive wine, luxury cars, and a small, but lavishly appointed McMansion, Pete sent me a fucking text message.

"how you doin girl? been thinking about you. will see you soon. xo"

Now I don't want to be accused of over-analyzing anything, or just plain stalking, but let's break down the meaning of this little message, shall we?

"how you doin girl?"
Notice the casual spelling. I would assume he's trying to sound extra casual considering I haven't heard a peep outta him in 6 months. And "girl" might indicate that he's forgotten my name - assuming he saved my number on his cell phone under something innocent like "A1 Plumbing."

"been thinking about you."
This is just another way of saying "Can't afford to see you right now." That's probably due to the state of the economy, combined with a nosey wife who's keeping careful track of all the family finances.

Now look at the words "thinking about." Work with me here... what if we replace the word "thinking" with the word "seeing" - it might suggest that he's been seeing our billboard on the highway. Which means that he's been driving back and forth between his home in the city and the vacation place in the country. It would be nearing completion right now, assuming he didn't lose ALL his money in the stock market.

"will see you soon."
Well obviously he's trying to grease the wheels for when he does finally come back. This means he has something planned. He probably got his disposable income back or is about to. Combine that with some scheduled trips to the vacation house, and that means I get an SD in time for summer!

"xo"
This is a reminder that he's still interested as a Sugar Daddy. I hope anyway. We'll see. Fingers crossed.

Once again, I'm acting like a teenaged girl when I talk about him. UGH. What is wrong with me?

Anyway, I loved the suggestions for the name of the new business. So far the favorites are:

Shake N Bake
Hand N Tans
Where The Sun Don't Shine
Tantastic Endings

and special consideration to Cum and Tan for the "Best Name That Can't Be Used In A Million Years" category.

I will pick a winner next time!

CJ

Welcome to the Tan-N-Tug

I just wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's going on with the landlord. Audrey and I talked about what's happening with The Business during lunch since Trina was off (she tends to panic easily, so we don't want to scare her with talk of moving). I told Audrey that under no circumstances should she give in to this guy - INCLUDING the raising of the rent.

I pointed out the window of the diner, "Look up and down this street alone. There must be a dozen empty shops that we could take over." I think my voice was carrying because I noticed a few heads turn, but I didn't care because I was pissed. "We wouldn't even have to change our billboard!"

I was surprised to see Audrey actually agree with me without much of an argument. "You know CJ... I didn't mention this to you before, but the maintenance on that place has been getting worse. It might be time to think about a new space."

Actually, I did notice about the maintenance. Audrey is known for paying people with her own ass. Ever hear of Layaway? Audrey uses "Get-Laid-Away." Electricians, plumbers and carpenters have all participated. I have to admit, that takes some dedication to your Business when you're willing to take one for the team. I, on the other hand, am not dedicated. More than once I've had some guy in here who's all like "I don't have to pay... I did your carpets/lights/locks/toilet/etc...." Sorry buddy, but THAT coupon can only be cashed on Audrey's shift. LOL

Anyway, we started talking and Audrey knows a guy (she always "knows a guy...") who can gut and rebuild any office space dirt cheap. If we just doubled our current space, we could split it in two and dedicate half to The Business, and the other half to a tanning salon. The layouts could even be identical, or mirror images. And it would save us money since we'd be converting 1 large space instead of 2 little spaces.

I've already done research on tanning beds, so I know where we can go locally for buying and/or leasing. I have a nest egg that I can use to help get things started too. Ya know - I'm kinda excited about the possibility of starting a new Business. Keep your fingers crossed and wish us luck!

So here's a question for you guys. What would you call a Business that did both erotic massage and tanning? The Tan-N-Tug? Best suggestion gets a free hand release - I'll mail you a bottle of lotion! LOL

CJ

How To Lose A Business In 10 Days

Last week I mentioned that I once saw another Business get "stolen." Someone asked how that was possible, so here is the story of how you can actually steal an entire Business.

This place was owned by an old friend of Audreys (we'll call her Mindy), but I knew her too. It started off innocently enough with the woman's boyfriend hanging around the Business (Let's call him Mork). He started spending more and more time there, and he finally justified this to his girlfriend by claiming he was providing "security."

Well since he was now "in charge" of security, he had a perfect excuse to start spending time there - even when she wasn't around. So what do you do when your bosses boyfriend is sitting around watching you work? Whatever he tells you to. He started handling all the house money, and so what if he pockets a couple hundred at the end of the night? If money starts missing, who's Mindy going to believe - the drug addicted ex-hooker working night shift, or her loving faithful boyfriend?

After a while he started threatening the girls with their jobs. "You know, Mindy has noticed cash missing from your shift. I think we should go in your room and 'talk' about it..." He ended up banging a couple of the girls on a regular basis behind Mindy's back.

This went on for a while until Mindy finally got it through her thick skull that he was cheating AND stealing from her. Then one day she shows up for work and 'click-click-click' - her key doesn't work. Asshole Mork had been planning for a while how to do a complete hijacking of the Business right out from under her. Paperwork had changed names, money had been moved around, phone numbers switched, etc. And there Mindy was - with nothing to show but a key that didn't work.

I know that sounds insane - how can you possibly steal something that's attached to the ground? But Mindy had nothing since all the records were inside the Business, and she couldn't get past the security door - even during Business hours. You think the landlord gives a shit who signs his checks? Remember - he's getting paid extra NOT to ask any questions.

So what's she gonna do - go to the cops? ("Hey, isn't that the whore house over by Main Street?"). And that was it. Mindy was Shit-Outta-Luck, and the place just kept open with Business as usual. In fact, it's still there. I think they're down to just 2 or 3 girls, but it's still open. It has since gone full service, as most male-owned Businesses do. I tell my customers looking for full service to stay away from there.

And that's how you can steal an entire Business. Any questions?

CJ

Going Out of Business Sale

Anyone wanna buy a used massage parlor?

Yesterday when Audrey arrived at work, the first thing she said to me was "We have to talk." That's never a good phrase to hear whether you're a guy or a girl. I asked her what's up, and she led me outside so Trina couldn't hear.

The other day Audrey met with the landlord to discuss a few items, including the renewal of the lease in August. She's rented this space for about 5 years now and there have never been any issues before. The maintenance is good, the neighbors are quiet, etc. But, we pay almost double what the place is worth because we're a "nuisance" business (read my earlier post on the definition of a "nuisance business"). The landlord knows what we do here, but that sweet rent check keeps him from asking any questions.

That is until this week.

Audrey said that he got really weird on her. Bottom line is that he wants to raise our rent - A LOT. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that he made some vague references to his "cut" of the business. I asked Audrey want the fuck that was supposed to mean, and even she wasn't sure. Apparently he used the word "cut" several times as both a threat and an offer.

Even though Audrey sometimes acts like a total hard-nosed bitch to us, she's a total pushover when it comes to others. And on top of that, she has a rotten business sense. Combine the 2 and you get the word "SUCKER" tattooed on the forehead. The entire time I've worked for her, I've see her make some incredibly boneheaded decisions like:

The Portable Spa
A single person hot tub that has sat magnificently in the corner of the storage closet - unassembled - for 3 years now.

The Billboard to Nowhere
1 year of billboard space on an unused backroad, pointing towards a patch of woods. To find this billboard, you would have to be totally lost since the road doesn't lead anywhere. Now - if you realized you were lost, turned around, slowed down to 15 mph , then looked waaaaaay to your right, you might get a glimpse of our ad. Unfortunately, you would have to either get a flat tire or crash your car if you wanted to have enough time to actually read it or copy down our phone number.

The LED Message Board
Audrey put in our lobby one of those flashing LED message boards that read out the date and time, plus whatever crap you want it to say. Now when our customers have to wait for a session, they can pretend they're sitting in the DMV.

And my personal favorite...

The Rub-N-Tug Mug
Two cases of customized coffee mugs with our name, phone number, and the words "You're In Good Hands!" Seriously - Audrey didn't get the joke. Some travelling salesman she had as a customer talked her into it. I think 2 of our therapeutic customers took one, and the rest just sat there for months. One day I started handing them out to every guy who walked in saying "Burn it, throw it away, run it over with your car, I don't care. Just take it." I swear - the dumpster out back must have had a dozen coffee mugs in it that night.

Anyway, the landlord also used the words "us" and "we" a few too many times. Audrey said she was totally creeped out by the conversation and is now seriously thinking of bailing when the lease comes up in August. I wouldn't blame her either.

I've seen firsthand what happens when a guy tries muscling in on a Business. It can be a boyfriend of the owner, or a "silent" partner, or some other creep who thinks they can blackmail his way in. At first he'll pretend like he's providing a service like "security." Pretty soon he's telling you to suck his dick if you want to keep your job. And finally, he changes the locks and says your boss has decided to "retire" and now he's in charge. That's what can happen when you're in a legally hazy business and you don't have much recourse.

Let me tell ya, it wouldn't be too hard to move. When you think about it, you only have to move some session rooms, a kitchen and living room, and we can set up shop again. The important thing is the name of the Business, so customers will be able to find us again. I even reminded Audrey that this would be a good time to add on that tanning salon we've always talked about. We would become equal partners in the tanning and I would manage that while she still managed the Business. Funny thing about the 2 businesses - they pretty much require the exact same layouts.

It sounds like the landlord might be trying the blackmail approach to getting a piece of the Business. Well fuck him - If this asshole wants some cash, let him come down here and jerk off a couple guys himself. We can use the help now that Candy's gone. But in the meanwhile, I'll make sure Audrey doesn't do anything stupid with this jerk.

I've always wanted to run my own tanning business, so maybe this'll be my chance. I'd probably still keep my shifts at the Business, but spend my spare time at the salon. I don't know, we'll see. It's all just talk right now, so I still have plenty of time to tell some juicy stories.

CJ

HappyEndingz - International Edition

Things have been rather dull around here lately, so I decided to try something different. I've started making friends with other erotic massage therapists, so I've been learning how they do business in other parts of the country. It's funny - I used to think that what we did here is typical of any massage parlor, but boy was I wrong. For example, in parts of California, it's not uncommon for parlors to give happy endings, but not offer any options. So that's why I'm starting this new topic called "HappyEndingz - International."
Now before we leave the country, I thought we'd start right here in the Good Ole U. S. of A. I've told you all about the Businesses here in SE PA, and let me tell ya - they're all pretty much the standard rub-n-tug with options, and full-service often available. But there are variations to how a parlor does business depending on where you are in the country. So today let me start with...

The Great Northeast
With all the truckers and businessmen we get through here, I've heard stories from EVERYWHERE. For example, if you head over to the Pittsburgh area of the state, you start to see less massage and more full-service in their Businesses. Meanwhile, the places in Jersey are a lot like here - hand release with options. And the closer you get to NYC, the more Asian places you'll find. Customers from NYC say there's no lack of parlors, but we're a hell of a lot cheaper out here in PA.

New England
Recently I've gotten a lot of complaints from guys from MA. I guess there was a recent crackdown on Businesses, and now they're almost impossible to find outside of the big cities. And I've had a number of readers e-mail me about the lack of places up in New Hampshire, Maine and Vermont. For you guys up there, all I can suggest is to hit the internet. Believe me - Businesses are everywhere - you just have to know where to look.

Oh Canada
A lot of my traveling customers have told me that upstate New York is practically not worth visiting since Canada is SOOOOOOOOO much better for parlors. When I first heard this, I didn't think much of it. I figured, so you can get a blowjob up there - so what? Get this - it turns out that massage parlors are legal in Canada. Actually, let me rephrase that. In Canada, there is nothing illegal about massage parlors. The way it was explained to me is not that the government condones what goes on, it just doesn't care. So Businesses up there are free to set up shop and advertise their services.

Canada sounds like a fun place if you're a horny guy. I've had 19 year old college kids tell me that they would road trip up to Windsor or Toronto and get a room for the weekend. Then they would call a liquor store and (are you sitting down?) have a case of beer DELIVERED TO THEIR HOTEL ROOM. Then they'd call up an escort agency and have a girl come over. AND IT'S ALL LEGAL. I guess Canada is proof that it's a man's world.

And then in a category all by itself is the biggest party town of all - Niagara Falls. All of my customers who've been up there say this place is insane. Apparently in Niagara Falls, you can find strip clubs that are actually ATTACHED to massage parlors! But these guys also tell me that the parlors up there are really just brothels, and you can't count on getting a real massage. In fact, if you just want a hand job, they said you can get that INSIDE the strip club - and it's perfectly normal!!!

I had this one customer who used to travel to Buffalo all the time for business, so he used to cross the border to "attend the ballet" every chance he got. He used to go to this one place where it wasn't uncommon to see 3 guys getting hand jobs and 2 more getting blown in the VIP lounge. I asked him what's the point of an attached massage parlor if you could get a happy ending inside the club. He said that if you wanted to actually fuck a dancer, you would arrange to meet her in the parlor next door. With that kind of shit going on up there in Canada, our humble little Business wouldn't last 2 seconds.

So that's it for the northeast. If any of you local guys have more stories to tell about this area, please share. And please don't stop visiting your places so you can save up your money for a trip to Canada. Remember - we're in a recession so we need your American dollars right here!

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Panty Bandit

Sorry I haven't had much to say recently guys, but things have been kinda slow and boring at work. Lots of the Regular Joes coming in, asking for the cheapest options. But the other day, I did have a guy ask to buy my used G-string.

Now I get requests like that so often, that I don't even consider these guys as candidates for Freak of the Week. What is it with guys and used underwear? Well, I guess I shouldn't say anything since I've actually seen what guys do with underwear.

A typical panty-buyer will usually just smell them while I do the hand release. Occasionally a customer will ask that I use my G-string to do the hand release - by wrapping it around his dick and then jerking him off with it. But I would have to say that the weirdest was the guy who took my panties, wadded them up into a ball, and then stuffed them down his throat while I did the hand release. That one kinda freaked me out.

This got me thinking about an old customer of mine, that we'll call Freddy. Like other panty guys, it started off innocently enough with him asking (jokingly) to have my G-string at the end of session. I said sure since I always keep extras around, and $60 for a $8 thong is a pretty good deal.

Let me explain here that $60 is the going rate for used underwear. We girls got together one day and set a price since it happens so often, and it's a sellers market since buyers NEVER say "no" once they've asked. And why is it that guys only want panties and never bras? I have a drawer full of old ones, and at $30 for a new one you guys can buy as many as you want. Make me an offer!

The next time Freddy came in, he asked to buy my G-string at the end of session, and I said "I don't know if you want this one... I bought it a year ago and it's ready to be thrown out. It's super comortable, so I wear it all the time..." Well let me tell ya - this little story only made Freddy want it even more. So I sold it to him! And I was honest too - I figured who would want some ratty old underwear?

And this became Freddy's "thing." He would offer to buy my panties after I told him a story about them. The better the story, the higher the price he would offer. In fact, it got to the point where I would sometimes bring in extra G-strings that had particularly good stories to tell:

"I wore these last Saturday while I was out dancing with my girlfriends..."
"My boyfriend pulled these off with his teeth the last time we fucked..."
"These are my lucky panties - I always seem to get lucky whenever I wear them..."

I'm not good at making stuff up, so the stories were more or less true. I would sometimes exagerate just to make them seem more sexy or funny, but it never really mattered since he just wanted to hear something/anything about them.

Now the most money he ever paid for a pair of my used panties was for a very true story about an old boyfriend. We had just broken up after a huge fight, but then got back together after I admitted it was all my fault (it was - I was a total bitch to this guy). Anyway, we were talking and finally decided to get back together. BUT he had a list of demands that included makeup sex.

I like makeup sex as much as the next person, but he REALLY wanted to get his revenge on me. So he asked for anal sex followed by a blowjob and ending with a facial. Now I rarely give up my ass, so that would indeed be a special treat for him. But if he thought I was going to put his cock in my mouth after it was in my ass - He might as well look for a new girlfriend.

After much bargaining, we settled on an ass fuck to be followed by a facial, with the understanding that he could NOT let that cock touch my face. That seemed to make him happy, so we went at it right then and there. He was so fucking horny, that he didn't even bother removing my thong. He just bent me over, pulled it to the side and started doing me from behind. So we both fucked like that for a while - two half clothed, angry people going at it like animals.

And let me tell ya - he obviously had some issues still because he fucked me HARD. Payback is certainly a bitch. Luckily for me, he got overly excited and ended up cumming before he wanted to. He completely forgot about my offer to let him pop on my face, so he just pulled it out and came all over my ass and the thong. However, the last laugh was on me because I had trouble walking for the next 3 days.

My first thought when I told this story to Freddy was that he wouldn't be interested in panties that smelled of sweat, ass and cum. But boy let me tell you - not only was he NOT offended, but he ended up offering me the most he's ever done. Even I was like "Dang - I ought to break up with guys more often!"

Now that I think about it, this is probably where I first started getting practice at telling sordid stories. Who knew that when I was just trying to turn some guy on to make a buck, that I'd be learning a valuable skill. Go figure!

CJ

The Rabbit Hole - Part 2: The Conclusion

Now where were we? Oh yeah... I was standing in the middle of the dildo aisle, talking to a little old German man while trying to shield the eyes of my underage cousin.

Then things got weird.

"Ow can I elp joo ladies?" [Remember - you have to imagine a thick German accent].

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... " I managed. Then my razor sharp wits kicked in help make sense of things. I knew there was a reason why we were here... but what was it? What will bail me out.... Oh yeah! "Wanda sent us!"

"Ach!! Joo know Vanda?" His little face lit up. "Ow is she? Joo tell her ve have zum more of dose vunderful anal rings in shtock dat she loves." I cringed at that one - TMI (Too Much Information). My auntie would kill me if she knew what I was exposing her daughter too. But at the same time, I was dying to take a look around this place. So I asked him what exactly this place was. It turns out that the Rabbit Hole is one of the largest suppliers of adult entertainment and fetish items on the east coast - and this is their warehouse.

This place was strictly a warehouse for several years, and only recently decided to open up to the public at the urging of some of their clients. So they cleared out a corner and turned it into a kind of Walmart of bondage. The owners were from Germany and were INTIMATELY familiar with all of their wares. I got the impression that the husband was well known in fetish circles because of the quality and quantity of his merchandise.

We figured we may as well start the tour right here in the dildo department. Our shopping list included one, so we asked Fritz (we decided to just call him Fritz) to see some.

Forget I even asked...

Fritz started pulling out one fake penis after another. Each one bigger, fancier, and more expensive than the previous. Look, all we wanted was a fake dick to pass around between the girls at the party to play with and make jokes. But Fritz was showing us the absolute latest in artificial penis technology.

"Ach... Luke at de quality of dis piece!" He handed it to Catherine. "Veel dat material. Absolutely life like!" The hair stood up on the back my head when he did that. But it was hysterical - Catherine just sort of raised a finger and timidly poked at it. She nodded her head in agreement as if she knew the difference.

Trina grabbed it. She turned it around in her hand, stretched it, bent it, and rubbed it. If it were a new car, she would have kicked the tires. "Feels pretty real. Good weight to it." She handed it back to Fritz. "Got anything in black?"

This sort of took us down a whole other path. He showed us a black one that I swear was 2 feet long and had feet attached to the end of it. Another one was a foot long, but had a pump that was used to inflate it with water. However, that was not the highlight of the show. The last thing he brought out was this giant dildo that must have been 6 inches in diameter and 18 inches long!!!

I think Fritz saw our mouths drop because he quickly explained "Dis is for show only. I geet many requests for dis." Then he leaned in close, "...but not all joos it for show, ja?" I thought poor Catherine was gonna pass out.

Let me tell ya, Fritz was a freakin expert in everything he sold. After selecting a nice medium sized dildo (in black), he toured us around the place. Next was the dress dummies that were in Nazi uniforms, chain mail bikinis, and rubber outfits. Apparently his 3 most requested fetish lines. The bondage department alone was the size of a small convenience store. But what really got my attention were the "appliances."

There was a section dedicated to all sorts of motorized gear. The freakiest thing I saw was a sort of saddle that hung in a frame. In the middle of the saddle was a giant vibrator sticking straight up. Fritz said that was for extremely serious collectors only, but he sells a lot to adult movie production companies.

By now it was getting late, so we went through the rest of our list and picked up the last remaining items. Fritz insisted on us sampling the latest in edible body paints. To our surprise, Catherine was the first to just jump in there and try them out. Either she was just hungry, or excited that sex could be mixed with candy.

The last story I want to tell you about our afternoon is about the fetish clothing. Fritz brought an arm full of catalogs with every single fetish theme imaginable. You want a Little-Bo-Peep outfit in purple latex? He can get it for you. The catalogs were the funniest things. They start off innocently enough with men and women in sexy stripper outfits. Next is the standard leather dominatrix stuff. But finally it gets WEIRD. Rubber body suits with holes cut out for the naughty bits. And Latex that conforms to every curve of your body.

But what caught my eye was this nun's outfit made of body fitting rubber. It included the funny hat and everything! I told Fritz I'd love to try one on and he happily obliged. "Ach! Dis artist is vunderful. He is a master!"

Fritz eyed me up carefully, but eventually brought me an outfit that was obviously 2 sizes too small. I told him he made a mistake, but he just said that's the whole point of rubber fetish. It's about being tightly wrapped up.

I knew there was no way in hell I was gonna get into this skin tight outfit by myself. But now I had a dilemma. I could bring in Trina to the dressing booth, but that would leave Catherine alone with the German pervert. Or I could use Catherine's help - but would squeezing into a rubber fetish outfit qualify as contributing to the deliquency of a minor?

I figured supervised deliquency was better than unsupervised deliquency, so I brought Catherine with me. Inside the dressing booth I noticed a big bottle of baby powder. Turns out baby powder acts as a kind of lubricant to get you in and out of the rubber. So I stripped down, slathered myself in baby powder and then had my baby cousin help stuff me into this body suit. It took about 15 minutes of squeezing, yelling, swearing, pinching and holding my breath to do it, but I finally got that damn thing on.

And let me tell you - I looked AWESOME. As awesome as any nun with 36 DD's in skin tight rubber anyways. But boy was that thing constricting. I felt like my entire body was being slowly choked. Fritz assured me that was part of the fetish and that you have to work your way to wearing it for any length of time. I swear, if I had any fetish events to go to, I would have taken this outfit. But unfortunately I couldn't think of any and the the $600 price tag didn't help either.

Catherine spent another 15 minutes getting me out of that sausage casing. And then I had to put on my regular clothes with all that baby powder mixed with sweat. Ugh. I almost felt guilty about getting his nice nuns outfit all slimey, but then I figured he probably gets off on that kind of stuff.

We said goodbye to our new friend, and he said we could come back any time. He also added that he'd love for me to come model some of his merchandise at local events, but I was kinda weirded out by that. Heck - it took me 30 minutes just to get in and out of 1 outfit!! LOL

So that was our little adventure in the world of fetish gear. When I dropped off Catherine at my aunts later that night, I suggested she not mention the little German man and the dildo testing. She said she wouldn't even know where to start.

CJ