Freak of the Week - The Dead Guy

I had this 1 customer today who’ll probably never come back. But it’s not my fault this time – I swear. I think he’s gone out of shear embarrassment. Let me explain…

I got this really old guy today, looked like he was in his 70’s. I usually don’t mind the older guys since they tend to be really sweet and chatty. What I can’t stand are the proverbial “Dirty Old Men.” Let me tell ya – there’s nothing cute about an old wrinkly guy calling you a “whore” and trying to pinch and grab your ass all session. Don’t even let me get started!

Luckily this guy was one of the nice ones. Now it was during the hand release that he leans his head way back and opens his mouth wide as he’s moaning. Just at that exact moment, he shoots a single load of jizz that flies straight up – and then down into his open mouth. Suddenly he stops enjoying his orgasm and starts gagging! I let go of his penis and helped him sit up. He kept coughing and wheezing for like 5 minutes! I didn’t know what to do so I just sort of patted him on the back. I don’t think the Heimlich maneuver applies to semen.

Anyways, after what seemed like forever he eventually settled down and started breathing regularly. I asked him what his obituary should say if he dies choking on semen in a massage parlor. He laughed and said at least it was his own semen and not someone else’s.

Now I told you that story to tell you this one. This guy is not this weeks “Freak of the Week.” But he reminded me of one of my first customers from the good old days. Before you read on, just remember that I was young and naïve back in those days. Not the hard, callous bitch you know me as now!

This story occurred during my first year in the Business. Gus (as we’ll call him) was one of my first old guys, so I still didn’t know what to expect. Anyways, we had a relatively normal session, but when Gus was right in the middle of his happy ending, he starts choking. And I mean a real bad choke – like a seizure. His body went totally stiff and then he stops breathing. His face turned beet red and his eyes squeezed shut. Then after about 10 seconds frozen like this, he totally collapsed on my table!

So there I was – a very young high school graduate, standing there naked in a dark room in front of an old, lifeless body. I poked him a few times, “Hey Gus, you all right?” Nothing. I shook him good, “Hello! Wake up!” Still nothing. Picked up his arm and it fell like a brick.

Shit! He’s dead!!!! Fuck!!! Shit!!! Holy shit!!!! Fuck fuck fuck!!!

To say I panicked is an understatement. They never covered dead people in massage school! So I did what any trained and licensed professional would do. I decided to dispose of the evidence. I cleaned him up as best I could with a towel. Then I started putting his clothes back on. Have you ever tried dressing someone who was passed out? It’s like that, only 10 times worse since you have to deal with the fact that you’re touching a dead guy.

I threw my own clothes back on, then I opened the door and yelled for my coworker – Summer. She was a seasoned veteran and one of the first friends I made in this business, so I knew I could trust her to know what to do. Summer came running over and took 1 look at Gus.

“Why is he wearing his clothes?”

“Uh… Because he’s dead?”

“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

So after we both had a good scream, I consulted with my colleague over what we should do with our former customer. As an expert in her chosen profession, Summer knew exactly what to do in this situation.

“We have to get him in the dumpster.”

I concurred and added that the Business would be closing early that night. So here we were – two 110 pound girls trying to figure out how to get this poorly dressed 200 pound dead guy off the table and moved 200 feet across a crowded parking lot and into the dumpster. She wanted nothing to do with touching a dead guy, so we decided to first wrap him in the table sheet. That way we don’t have to touch or even look at him.

We cocoon poor Gus in the white sheet he passed away on. To get him down, we each took an end of the sheet and started pulling with all our might to edge him off the table. Summer was stronger than me, so she managed to lower him off the table head first. I had trouble with my end so his legs were kinda still hanging off the table edge while his head was on the floor. This was the position in which Gus decided to wake up.

He gave a very load croaking sound, like he was snoring and choking at the same time. Needless to say, both Summer and I jumped out of our skins. Summer dropped his head on the ground and I let go of his feet. Gus kinda collapsed in a heap on the floor. He opened his eyes and looked at us, then down at his rumpled clothes and the bed sheet wrapped around him.

“What the hell…?” He looked at Summer, “Who are you? And why am I on the floor? And what’s this sheet?”

Gus had narcolepsy. Turns out this isn’t the first time he’s passed out and woken up in a weird way. So Summer and I told him the whole Gawd’s honest truth about how we decided (for his own personal safety) to dress him and lower him from the table to better accommodate someone in his delicate condition. Luckily for us, he seemed to buy that story, and we all ended up having a good laugh about it later – especially Summer since she promised Gus I’d give him a free session.

CJ

Audrey is a lying, stealing, motherfucking bitch

You wanna know how much money I’ve made over the last 2 shifts? Exactly $23. Wanna know how you earn $23 in 2 shifts? I had 3 therapeutic massages, and only 1 of those cheap fuckers bothered to tip me, and he gave me (out of guilt) everything left in his wallet - $23.

Why am I getting screwed? Because that cunt Audrey has been hogging the front desk for the last 2 days, and she just conveniently schedules paying customers for herself and non-tipping therapeutics for me. Look – I know I gotta do the therapeutics just like everyone else, but she’s purposely been sticking me with them. How do I know? Because those 2 non-tipping shits told me they had requested Audrey, but she was too “busy.” THAT BITCH!

Hey – I gotta fill my gas tank just like everyone else. I also have to pay for my food and cell phone and cable and electricity. $23 dollars doesn’t even cover my lunch and gas for 2 days. Fuck I’m mad!!!!!!

And while I had 3 therapeutics in 2 shifts, you wanna guess how many PAYING customers Audrey had? EIGHT (8). When that dumb bitch saw how angry I was getting after watching her book customers for 2 straight days, all she had to say was “Sorry, they were all appointments.” Yeah – appointments to finger you, you dirty skank. Or are you blowing them now? I wouldn’t doubt it. Gawd I hate this place.

Trina feels the same way. Apparently Audrey has been pulling the same shit with her all week. We need to quit this place and start our own business. But then again, I don’t know if I can trust Trina either. I think she’s just 1 late rent payment away from offering blowjobs in session.
Who knows – at this rate maybe I’m not that far behind her either!

And to make things worse, I had to throw out 2 customers today. The first was some cheap ass piece of shit from Philly who actually argued with me about how he thinks everything should be included in the door price – namely the options and happy ending. Sorry buddy, but your $40 only gets you a Crack-Ho around here. Now what really set me off was the next guy who waited till he was already in the room to let me know that he only had $20 to tip, but he wanted a topless with hand release. Now I’ve had this type of asshole plenty of times – the guy who knowingly gets in the room with little money, and hopes you’ll bargain with him. Normally it doesn’t set me off, but after the week I’ve had, this guy said the absolutely wrong thing to me – “But Audrey does it all the time…”

I was actually looking forward to coming in today since it was just gonna be me and Trina. But that was it - I went ballistic on his ass. I started yelling at the guy, “I don’t care what you do with that bitch! You’ve been here before, so don’t you even pretend you don’t know what the prices are. If Audrey wants to jerk your sorry ass off for $20, that’s fine. But ya know what - ya get what you pay for. And her shit may be worth only $20, but mine ain’t!”

And with that I opened the door to the room and stood there looking at him. I don’t think he was expecting his session to go this way because he just left without looking me in the eye. He may end up telling Audrey that I was rude to him, but at this point I don’t really care anymore. She can have as many customers like this that she wants.

CJ

p.s. It's nice having a place to vent.

p.p.s. Since I originally wrote this, I had a customer confess that she blew him for $100. Gawd I hate her so much!!!!!

Apology to Andy

Hey guys...

I've really been feeling guilty about the whole Andy thing. To make it worse, I didn't even bother to talk to him after the session, so I haven't had a chance to say "sorry." When I finally went back to the room for my clothes, he had left the tip on the table and let himself out. We NEVER do that to customers, so I really was a jerk that day.

What I'll probably do is offer him a free upgrade in options next time or maybe a "double." A double is where I give a happy ending at the beginning AND end of the session. 45 minutes is more than enough time for a guy to recuperate. Hopefully that'll smooth things over.

Andy... if you're out there somewhere reading this, I'm truly sorry! Come back and I'll make it up to you!

Boy - what a weird week. I deserve whatever happens to me right now.

CJ


p.s. On a side note, I don't think I'd be comfortable telling ANY of my customers about this blog thing. Can you imagine what their reactions would be????? All their sorded details for the entire internet to see... I think my clientele would suddenly turn into all boring therapeutics, and then where would we be? You'd all be bored and I'd be broke.

So just be thankful that I'm a gossip. LOL

CJ

My Worst Massage Ever

I have to tell you guys about what happened during session yesterday. I swear, it was probably the worst massage I’ve ever given. I am totally embarrassed to admit it, but I will confess and take full responsibility. I have no excuses. But let me first say that if there are any future customers reading this, I promise I would never ever do this to you.

So let me explain.

My sister and her semi/quasi/part-time/boyfriend had a big fight the other day that bordered on breakup. I hadn’t spoken to her since then so I was dying for the details. I was in the middle of my shift yesterday when my sister finally called me. But just as she started to go into detail, the boyfriend called and she had to take it - swearing up and down she’d call me immediately afterwards.

Just then one of my Regulars, Andy, showed up unexpectedly. I was reluctant to take him, so I kinda stalled for time hoping that she’d call, but after a few minutes I gave up and booked him in. Andy is a really nice guy – quiet, but easy to get along with. He paid for 45 minutes (damn - I can’t wait 45 minutes to call my sister back!) so I just gritted my teeth and took him to the room.

Now at this point you have to understand. My baby sister is on the verge of breaking up and right when she’s about to give me her final decision, the boyfriend calls. Is this a cliffhanger or what? What could I do? Well, I did what anyone would have done – I brought my phone in session and explained to Andy that I was expecting a really really important phone call, but it shouldn’t interfere with anything.

Andy wants a G-string, so I take the phone out of my pocket and place it on the stand next to the lotion warmer. I swear to Gawd, not 10 minutes into the massage, the phone rings. It’s my sister.
“Andy, I gotta take this. You understand, right?” He nods. A nod means its OK – right? Anyway, I wipe my hands on a towel and open the phone to hear my sister crying. So there I am, standing there in nothing but a G-string consoling my sister while poor naked Andy is sprawled on the table.

After a few minutes, I realize that Andy is staring at the clock. “Sorry Andy…” I swear I was gonna tell my sister I’d call her back, but instead I just sort of started rubbing Andy’s back – the phone tucked in my shoulder as I continued to calm my sister. “… Why do you let that asshole treat you like that?... Andy, I’m getting off the phone in 2 minutes, I swear...”

I start working his upper thighs while Sis tells me about the e-mails she found from an ex-girlfriend. “I hear ya… I would have done the exact same thing… OK Andy – flip… Now what did those e-mails say?”

Andy’s being a good sport. He usually doesn’t say much during session anyway, so I don’t feel too guilty. And it’s not like I’m skimping on the massage. Now she’s telling me about the 3 hour argument they had last night as I reach for the warm baby oil. “Close your eyes Andy and relax… He did not!...” Instinctively I started working Andy’s penis with my left hand. “… And you didn’t say anything to him?...” Without even thinking, my right hand slides over his balls. “…why would you let him do that?...You like that Andy, you like my warm hand?...I told you that yesterday!”

At some point, Andy came. I could tell because he touched my hand to make me stop. I looked down – he came alright. “Uh huh… that’s exactly what you should do… Here’s a towel Andy… and I’ll go if you need any help.” I wiped my hands, looked at Andy, and pointed at my phone. “I’m gonna take this outside…Uh… you were saying?...” And I just walked out of my room, completely topless and wandered towards the back room to finish the call. Left my clothes in the room and everything.

And Sis didn’t get off the phone for another half hour. I just sat on the office couch in my G-string while Trina rolled her eyes at me.

So does this make me a bad person? I swear I will never do anything like that to any customer ever again. I know some of you are already offended by my little STD/baby joke, so I'm not helping myself any. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me!


CJ

Babies and Other Sexually Transmitted Diseases

I have to tell you the funniest story. Yesterday I visited a friend of mine in the hospital who just had a baby. He was a little small, but still all right. My friend (we’ll call her Theresa) got knocked up by this asshole guy she’s been seeing for almost a year now.

What makes him an asshole did you ask? Well let me explain – I call him an asshole since he messed around with another woman while with Theresa (8 months ago to be exact). Ya see where this is going?

Anyway, he knocked up this other woman (let’s just call her the Slut), but she wasn’t due for another month. Well, I guess she got wind of when Theresa was due, because she was in the hospital at the EXACT SAME TIME. Turns out that when she learned Theresa had gone into labor, she started punching herself in the stomach and doing whatever else needed to go into premature labor.

The Slut ended up on the same floor, but luckily on the other end of the hall from us. The father actually wore TWO wrist bands indicating he was a double daddy! And he had noooooooo trouble walking back and forth between the 2 rooms all night. In fact, you could say he was damn proud of himself.

I found out that the doctors and nurses on the floor had a pool going as to who was going to deliver first – mamma A or mamma B. Turns out that Theresa delivered first by 1 whole hour. I know that none of this has anything to do with erotic massage, but I just had to share this story. But don’t worry, I’ll talk about work soon enough.

For those of you who are really upset that I’ve gone off topic, let’s just pretend that while I was in the hospital I gave a handjob to an intern in exchange for a box of alcohol wipes. There – is that better?

CJ

Outcall Massage

I just wanted you guys to know that I try to answer all of your questions. But sometimes when I get started on an answer I realize that the little comment box is way too small. So once again, I'll answer your questions here. What can I say - I love to chat.

Anyway, I got a couple comments last week about "Outcall massage." I used to know a couple girls who did outcall massage but I'm not going to pretend I know everything about it. For those of you newbies out there, "Outcall" refers to businesses that you call up, and a girl comes over to your house/motel. There are 3 types of outcall services:

1) Therapeutic massage from a LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist) - done on a portable massage table.
2) Non-therapeutic "Relaxing Massage" with happy ending - usually done on a bed.
3) Full-service escort agencies that advertise under the name "Outcall massage" - also done on bed, but ain't no massage going on here!

What I do know is that outcall LMT's are available for people who are truly bedridden. It's a decent career option for LMTs, and it can be a gold mine if you hook up with an agency with lots of clients. I was never crazy about the idea because you basically have to be on call for hours at a time, work with people who are sometimes really ill, drive all over town, lug your massage table around in the trunk of the car, and give half your $$ to an agency. No thanks!

Someone left a question the other day about whether a friend of hers was giving happy endings since she does outcall massage. Well - it depends. If she's working regular business hours of 9am to 9pm, and her agency works with LMT's ONLY, then chances are there's no funny stuff. If the hours are late, and some of her co-workers are not LMTs, then your friend may be doing the old rub-n-tug.
I knew a girl at another business that did outcall massage, and the rules were very weird. Apparently, they had their own secret code to separate the therapeutic clients from the happy ending ones. She would tell the clients to put on a towel while she "freshened up." Then she'd ask them if they wanted the massage "with or without the towel." This was apparently the code for whether they wanted a happy ending or not.

No towel = options with happy ending :)
Towel = therapeutic massage with no happy ending :(

And she added that the towel thing also determined what kind of masseuse she would be. A towel meant that she put on her "serious" face and gave a proper therapeutic with very little chit-chat. No towel meant she could be flirty and give a "girlfriend" type massage. But either way, she said she always wore very conservative outfits since you never knew what kind of client it would be.

And that's prety much all I know about the world of Outcall Massage. If any of you guys can add to this, feel free. That reminds me - If anyone out there is interested in a never-used portable massage table, I'll make you a deal. It's been taking up space in my mom's basement ever since I graduated massage school.

CJ

Internet dating update

Hey guys,

I checked out some of those sites you suggested, but decided upon Match. They have that 6 month guarantee thing, so why not. I will NOT do E-harmony. A friend of mine once had a bad experience with them.

I have this friend who's a very devout Presbyterian...

(I know what you're all thinking - what's a nice Roman Catholic girl like me doing with a member of what's basically little more than a cult? Well, I'm very open minded when it comes to issues of religious tolerance, and I have a great capacity of caring for these poor, misguided heathen souls).

...Anyway... she was on E-harmony for several months and ended up being courted by this like-minded, religious guy. They talked for weeks and weeks about their love of the Bible and God and Jesus and even Little Baby Jesus. So when they finally decided it was time to meet, the conversation suddenly turned to what she looked like.

He was very quick to let her know that he worked out every day and was a fitness freak. When she described herself as slightly less than perfect (I think the term she used was "fluffy"), the e-mails suddenly stopped. Well, she kept at it and reminded him of their shared love for God, Jesus and Little Baby Jesus. He came around, apologized and agreed to see her.

You know where this is going, right? They had 1 date that she said went "well" but he never contacted her again. So if you think I'm going to take some stupid personality test that scientifically calculates and finds a guy who still turns out to be an asshole - you can forget it because I can do that at the local bar for free!

CJ

Vacation!

I have so much work stuff I want to talk about, but I have to tell you about my weekend first.

Remember how I was all bitchy and depressed when I realized I was missing my annual romantic getaway to the beach? Well, I was complaining about it last week to (of all people) Audrey. And even though she’s a lying, stealing and conniving skank, she actually felt bad enough to take me to Atlantic City for the weekend!

I was supposed to work Saturday and Sunday, so she just offered my shifts to the new girl (who was more than happy for the chance to make some extra $$) and off we went. It turns out that Audrey had all these comps at Caesar’s that she’s been sitting on, so hotel room and food we’re practically free! Friday morning I packed a couple of my sluttiest dresses, a pair of shorts, T-shirts, and a bikini and we jumped in her car and made it to AC by noon.

And let me tell ya – even though I talk a lot of shit about her, we had the best time! We started off our weekend with a couple drinks at the bar (which by the way were the ONLY drinks I had to pay for all weekend!) then we hit the boardwalk for some site seeing and sun. We went window shopping in that new pier/mall thing next to Caesars. We had funnel cake on the boardwalk. We even went on a ride with one of those rick-shaw things. It was just soooooo nice to spend a few days giving my arm a rest.

Now I prefer the beaches of Maryland for vacation, but this was the one and only time I had fun at the Jersey shore. They have this bar that’s actually across the boardwalk and located on the beach. We practically lived there for 2 days. I met a bunch of really cute guys, but there was this 1 in particular who was really hot and kept buying drinks for me and Audrey. She said he kinda looked like Nick Lachey, only hotter. We drank and danced and basically teased the shit out of everyone. Audrey’s only rule for the weekend was no guys in the room since this was supposed to be about me just having a good time and forgetting about my singleness. So needless to say, poor CJ went home with Audrey every evening.

Funny thing about casino bars in AC - apparently the male clientele sometimes have trouble distinguishing between the party girls and the working girls. I figured this out after 2 guys made really really bad attempts to ask me "how much?" without actually saying "how much?" So I asked the bartender if the place was full of assholes or was it just me. He explained that the hookers come out in force on the weekends, but it would take a really drunken, overly optimistic guy to confuse me with one.

Now when we weren’t milking guys for drinks, or dirty dancing in front of the DJ, we were hitting the slots (I won $25 – go me!), pigging out at a buffet, or shopping. Saturday and Sunday mornings were spent on the beach nursing our hangovers and working on our tans.

When we left for home on Sunday evening (never leave AC on a Sunday afternoon – the expressway is a parking lot), I had 5 phone numbers scribbled on napkins and business cards, and Audrey had 11. It was on the Atlantic City Expressway that Audrey introduced me to a ritual of hers. Whenever she heads home from a weekend in AC, she opens up all the windows in the car and cranks the radio really loud. Then sometime after the first toll booth, she takes the phone numbers she has collected and throws them all out the window. She called this her “purging ritual” and said it was necessary to keep AC as her special getaway and not let it affect her home life.

So I took a deep breath and emptied my fake Prada purse of all those little memories of the guys that coulda been – even Nick Lachey guy. I have to admit, it felt kinda good to know that I still got it!

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Legal Assistant

One of you guys commented the other day about why we're not harrased by the authorities more often. This got me thinking (which is something I'm just sooooo not good at), so let me explain what I know. We're what’s known as a “nuisance” business. Basically, we’re in the same class as adult bookstores and tattoo parlors. From what I can figure, we’re called a “nuisance” because nobody really wants us around. But guess what? We pay our taxes and our rent in what would otherwise be abandoned office space. And THAT is precisely why the town doesn’t hassle us.

Sure – the locals would probably love to see a Starbucks here, or perhaps a boutique specializing in ceramic cats dressed as celebrities. But the fact of the matter is that places like us take up the retail space that no one else wants. Starbucks isn’t exactly itching for that spot at the end of the corridor behind the bail bondsman.

Please notice that we are NOT in the same category as strip clubs. Believe it or not, a “nuisance” business is actually a step up from a strip club. I’ve learned that towns HATE strip clubs. I don’t know about other states, but here in PA, strip clubs aren’t allowed to sell alcohol, but you’re allowed to BYOB. This means that the town has to deal with all the problems associated with a sleazy bar, but with none of the tax revenues.

How do I know all this stuff? A couple years ago, the state of PA wanted to crack down on massage parlors. This is when I learned all this legal stuff about the Business. I did my homework by reading through all the statutes on “Massage Practices.” I discovered that the state was going to go after us by targeting unlicensed masseuses. Our Business was safe since we had 3 licenses between us. The idea was that a town could audit your Business, and if there were no LMT’s (Licensed Massage Therapists) on staff, then out you go.

Full service places try to have 1 or 2 LMTs on staff, just to keep the locals off their backs. But once a place becomes more brothel than massage parlor, they have more things to worry about than a town clerk counting LMT diplomas.

We don’t worry about the town hassling us since we’re not a full-service operation. If a customer comes in and asks for sex – we refer him to the Other Place across town. I know that Audrey is doing some full-service stuff, but it’s with her Regulars.

What worries me now is that Trina has begun offering “extras” to some of her Regulars since she’s been desperate for cash lately. At least I HOPE they’re Regulars! All it takes is 1 badly phrased attempt to offer something a little “extra” to some new customer we can’t trust, and we’ll have guys in suits knocking on our door!

But let me tell ya - if business doesn't pick up here pretty soon, I'll be offering "extras" to pay my cable bill. Hmmmmmmm... Let a customer finger me, or lose my "Entourage?" Don't make me choose!

CJ

Internet Dating

Ya see that picture from my profile? That was taken a couple years ago when I first tried internet dating. Now I didn’t do anything normal like Match or E-Harmony or something like that. Instead, I went on this website that specialized in Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationships (yes – I was a gold digger back then). Let me tell ya, I had some of the funniest guys writing me. And I don’t mean funny ha-ha. I mean some of these guys were really bizarre and full of themselves.

The first category of guy I’d call the “Form Letter.” These were the ones that wrote a long response about how successful they were, but just needed that special someone (other than their wife in some cases). I called them “form letters” because they were generic, never referred to anything I said in my ad, and could be sent to anyone.

Then there were the “Nice tits!” guys. Gee – I feel so flattered. NEXT!

And finally, there were the real deals – guys that would actually write something interesting or funny in response to my ad. I ended up chatting with a bunch of these guys. I just loved how they wanted to pick me up in their private jet, or sail on their yacht, or shop in NYC. One guy actually asked for my Paypal address so he could start sending me money!! (No – I didn’t give it to him. What kinda girl do you think I am?)

I just enjoyed chatting anonymously with these guys more than anything. In fact, that’s where the name CJ comes from – it’s my internet name. I’d even go so far as to send a couple pics of me with the eyes blurred out (thanks in part to photoshop). But I think what really turned me off to actually meeting any of these guys was the fear that most of them were pimply faced 16 year old boys living in their parents basement, or serial killers. Know what I mean?

However, there was 1 guy that actually persuaded me to give him my number. He said he was this rich businessman who wanted to spoil me rotten. He was definitely the most interesting and believable of the guys I had been talking to. We talked a few times on the phone and eventually he said he could meet me as he was “passing through” these parts.

I don’t know why I agreed, because I felt really really weird after saying yes. I thought 3 times about just cancelling, but he sounded sooooooooooo nice on the phone. Oh well. I went through with it and met him at a local restaurant. BUT as I had feared, he was anything but a rich businessman trying to spoil me rotten. He was just a lonely traveling salesman with no money and a wife who didn’t “understand” him. We still had a nice dinner and we talked for a bit about his personal problems, but that was about it.

That’s when I gave up the internet dating thing and did things the old fashioned way – meeting guys in bars. That’s how I ended up with that last jerk.

Why am I talking about internet dating? I’m seriously thinking of jumping online again. Partly because I’m getting bored with the Brad Pitt clone, and partly because everyone on this blog thing has been so nice to me. I think I miss the anonymous computer chatting. And I promise to try a more normal service this time like Match or something. I’ll keep you posted if I find anyone interested in dating a blonde, scorpio, shampooer who likes long walks on the beach…

CJ

PMS

I figured out why I've been such a bitch this week (well, apart from the PMS that is). And the person who figured it out was my mom.

The other day I was just being a nag in general when she pointed out that this is the first July in years that I'm NOT going to the beach for vacation.

Wow. The realization hit me like a baseball bat. I have no boyfriend. No extra money. No time off. and now no vacation. Holy shit - no wonder I've been so mean lately. I think I cried after she said that (Not that it's a big deal -- when I'm PMSing I'll cry during a dog food commercial).

So there you have it. My life sucks and it took mom to point that out. Oh well... what I need right now is a nice sugar daddy to distract me from my troubles. You guys know any? LOL

CJ

The Dress Code

What a crappy weekend. Audrey riding my ass. A cancelled date. Made no money. And to top it off, I’m totally PMSing.

Last week I was reminded that I didn’t explain our dress code. Yes – we have a dress code, which sounds ironic in a Business where we get tipped to take them off. Let me explain.

Ever watch those HBO specials on the Bunny Ranch? Remember all the girls wearing lingerie while hanging around the bar? Well forget all that. Think Gap sales girl (or Abercrombie Fitch in my case). It’s harder to explain what we’re supposed to wear and easier to explain what we can’t. This is a list of what we are NOT allowed to wear to work:

Dressing Don’ts
Tank Tops
T-shirts with dirty captions
Shorts
Swimsuit tops or bottoms
Hip-huggers
Tight jeans
Belly shirts
Low cut shirts
Short skirts or dresses
Heavy makeup
Cargo pants
Heels

Basically, we’re not supposed to wear anything revealing, dirty, or just trashy. In other words, don’t wear anything that a regular masseuse wouldn’t wear, like heels. Shortly after we hired the new girl, Audrey caught her in the back parking lot washing her car IN A BIKINI!!!! Audrey flipped!! In any other business, that wouldn’t have been a big deal, but in our industry we try not to draw attention.

What Audrey would like to see us wearing is harder to explain since nothing is really mandatory. I think the closest comparison I can think of is that we’re supposed to look like the girls in a hair salon – just in case anyone suspicious were to stick their nose in the door.

Dressing Do’s
Khaki’s
Polo shirts
Plain T-shirts
Capri’s
Flats

The funny thing about all these do’s and don’ts is that we only really follow them when Audrey is around. I have what I call my “massage clothes” which are khaki’s and polo shirts – stuff I would almost never wear outside of work, but I save for when I'm on shift with the boss. On days that she isn’t around – jeans and T-shirts baby!

And I can tell you right now that customers don’t give a crap what we wear (especially since it’s usually lying in a crumpled heap on the floor within the first 5 minutes of Session). As for Audrey – she doesn’t follow her rules anyway. Her daily uniform consists of tight black jeans and a rock band T-shirt of some kind. In the winter she may wear a black, frilly shirt – kinda like a bad Stevie Nicks clone.

What we wear underneath the clothes is still our own business (thank God). During a topless massage I’ll usually wear my panties with SpongeBob, pirate skulls or something else cute on them (my favorite pair has a big smiley face). For the occasional G-string option, I keep 3 different ones in my purse – all from Hot Topic.

And before you ask, the answer is NO. We do not keep lingerie, fuck-me heels, riding crops, rubber ducks or anything else on the premises. Anything “special” that a customer wants me to wear he has to bring in then take home himself. And I’ll only wear stuff that’s brand new – No tag, no wear. Oh -- I also charge extra to dress up.

But I can bore you with those stories later on. I need to go yell at something. Then find some chocolate.

CJ

Wednesday

I wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I cancelled an appointment with a Regular. I don’t normally do that, but this guy can be soooooooo annoying and I wasn’t in the mood. This guy’s married, which is fine by me, BUT every single time he comes in the conversation usually turns to his personal life and how unhappy he is with his wife, kids, job, mortgage, paycheck, neighbors, politics, weather, economy, blah, blah, blah. Hey – I coulda used the hundred bucks, but he hates EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.

Listen buddy, you came in here to relax. I am not your therapist, chiropractor, teacher, counselor, doctor, financial advisor, coach, priest, mentor or psychiatrist. I am also not your carpenter, plumber, mechanic or electrician (yes – he once asked me if I knew anything about electrical wiring). And besides – do you really want investment advice from your masseuse?

Plus, Audrey got on me today about my outfit. Apparently she didn’t think my double tank top was “appropriate” for work. It’s 90 degrees and 100% humid outside bitch! Maybe you’d know what it was like outside if you ever bothered to leave this cave and get a life. So did I mention to her that she’s been wearing the EXACT same nasty-ass shirt for 3 days in a row now? Nooooooooo… Because I’m not like that.

And customers have told me that every time they get her in session, she’s always wearing that ugly, black lace bra with the hole in the left cup. So why don’t you look in the mirror first before you start critiquing MY outfit?!

Oh Gawd. I think I’m PMSing.

CJ

Erotic Massage and the Internet

In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m pretty computer illiterate. I can just about manage to post these blogs by myself, but that’s it. As you can see, this page is pretty plain since I can’t figure out how to add a background or a list of my favorite blogs. All I’ve figure out how to do on my own is post the occasional picture.

My partner-in-crime (Velma) helped me set this up, and I’ve taken it over from her. But she occasionally logs on and corrects my spelling and grammar. And in case you were wondering, only 2 people on the whole planet know I have this website – Trina and Velma. Trina because she’s my best friend and she helps me come up with topics, and Velma because she’s my techno-nerd and Go-To-Girl when my computer freezes up.

Now until I can get him to create one of those lists of my favorite blogs, let me give a shout-out to some of my favorites. Of course I read “Confessions of a College Callgirl” (who doesn’t), but my favorite is Slutty McWhore. Just like yours truly, she’s an Erotic Massage Therapist. But what I love about her is that she does what I can’t bring myself to do – talk about her personal life. It’s funny – she recently told the story of how she revealed to her boyfriend what she does for a living. When I first read it, I was literally yelling at my laptop “Nooooo!!!! Don’t do it!!!!!” I haven’t yelled at a screen that loudly since they took Temptation Island off the air. Another one I like is A Date in the Life. It’s like all my dating stories but better written. She makes me feel like I’m not the only 1 who goes through that emotional crap.

My first real encounter with the internet was a couple years ago when out of boredom I did a search for myself on google. My full name is common enough, so there were like a million entries. Apparently I placed 17th in a 5k race somewhere in Iowa, and I was arrested for stabbing a man in San Antonio. So out of curiosity I tried narrowing it down using the name of the Business – and Bingo!!! I actually found an article posted in one of those adult sex chat rooms about massage parlors that mentioned me. Holy Shit I’m famous!

It was one of those sites where guys can give reviews and descriptions about the massage places they’ve been to. Some guy who I don’t remember left a review about the Business. He said that our place was very clean, and the staff friendly. Pointed out up front that we’re NOT full service. Said that his masseuse (yours truly) had “fabulous tits” and didn’t make him feel rushed. After reading more articles from that site I realized that not being rushed is actually a compliment. I then searched the internet for anything else on me and the co-workers, but nothing. I managed to find a few more references to the Business (location and hours), but nothing more about the masseuses. Oh well – so much for my 15 minutes of fame.

When I first saw my name up there on the computer screen for the whole world to see (well the perverted, trenchcoat wearing world that is) I have to admit that I was a bit creeped out. At first I thought - What if anyone I knew saw this? Then - What would I do if they had said anything bad? But eventually I wondered - Will this help me get customers? So after a while, I wasn’t creeped out anymore and actually felt complimented. He DID say something nice after all (I take them when I can get them, right?).

But now that I have my own blog, I get total control over what’s said about ME. And let me tell ya – it feels nice. And you guys really make me feel welcomed out here, so thanks a lot. It’s nice to know that my whole internet notoriety no longer consists of 3 sentences written by an anonymous guy in an adult chat room somewhere.

Balls

It took me about 2 years of giving hand releases before I even touched a customers balls. Heck – back then I didn’t even like touching the ones on my boyfriend. Looking back I can’t figure out why, but I imagine I thought they were just gross.

Now this was back in the days when I was still the One-Handed-Tug Queen. Then one day I was complaining to one of the girls about how I was getting tired of guys that really had to be worked hard. She asked me some questions and finally suggested I must be doing it wrong!

Wrong? What could I possibly be screwing up with the most simple and basic form of masculine stimulation?

1 – Grab
2 – Up
3 – Down
4 – Repeat 2-3 as necessary

She said, “No no no…you gotta stroke their balls.”

“Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! Some guys ask me to do that, and I think that’s just gross.” I protested. Really – there’s not much about balls to be attracted to. They look funny and sometimes smell (Come on guys – you wipe AWAY from the balls, not towards. Get a clue).

“Yeah it’s gross. You don’t have to do it with every guy, but the next time you have a problem customer, just reach over with your free hand and start stroking his balls. He’ll cum in 2 seconds.”

WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THIS SOONER? Hell – even McDonalds has training videos.

I have to tell you, from that point on my job got waaaaaaaaaay easier. And it saved my arm from tennis elbow! Not only did it help with the problem guys, but I quickly discovered that if I used it with ALL my customers, I could cut my happy ending time in half! Suddenly balls became a girls best friend. From that day forward, I started going straight for them when it was time.

Ironically, it backfired on me. I backed off on the ball stroking thing after a while because it was working TOO well. Some guys complained that I was cutting their time by making them cum too quickly. Well excuse me! Then I also realized that by shortening the happy ending, I had to make it up with massage time. So after much trial and error I eventually settled on a happy medium.

1) Grab
2) Up
3) Down
4) Repeat as necessary, else…
5) Grab balls
6) Repeat 2-3 as neccesary

Now guys felt like they were getting their money’s worth in the happy ending, and I was saving my elbow for my future career as a tennis star.

Balls were perhaps my biggest breakthrough in my hand release technique. As time went by I picked up other “aces” I could play such as dirty talk, the booby bounce, and my favorite – the ass grab. When a guy needs that extra bit of uuuumph to finish, asking him to grab my ass is pretty much a sure thing.

There ought to be some sort of training materials for this stuff. Perhaps an “Erotic Massage for Dummies” book. Maybe I’ll start working on that this weekend. Yeah right.

CJ

Part 4 - Where are they now?

Welcome to Part 4 of my ever increasingly badly named 3 Part Series. After I finally finished telling that last story, I realized just how difficult it was for me to go through that again. I think that's why I just had no interest in sitting down in front of the computer and saying anything. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to change the subject and talk about funny stuff again.

For example... On Monday I had another 300 pound guy come in (Just gotta love them, right?). He took 1 look at me and (no lie) he said "I like 'em skinny. Is there anyone else working here?" I'm a freakin size 2 for gawds sake. When I told him no, he probably couldn't help but hear the resentment I had in my voice. He said "Fine. I'll take you anyway..." So I told him I had an appointment and he had to leave - NOW. How's that bi-otch! Nowadays I have just zero tolerance for assholes.

My girl Slutty McWhore (great blog - go read it it) left a funny comment about how she hopes our prices have gone up since the old days. Well, even though the job is more or less the same as back when I started, there are a lot of small differences. For starters, our prices have gone up roughly 50% since those days. Unfortunately, guys take longer sessions now - so the house makes more money while we work longer.

I continued being a one-handed-tug wonder for about 2 years before I finally started to improve my technique (not that anyone ever complained). I had been working for a couple of months before I got my first request for a "Breast Release" to which I replied "We don't do that here." After I told a co-worker about that freak, she explained that what he wanted was a good, old-fashioned Titty Fuck. Ohhhhhhhhh... Now I know. She said I could probably charge a couple extra hundred for it, then gave me some pointers on how to keep the semen out of my hair. That's when I realized that I could go from Mo' Money to Mad Money overnight.

A couple years later, Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn ended up losing that business after going partners with a man. They should have known better!!!! He ripped them off for everything until the place was forced to shut down - then he reopened a new place across town and took most of the girls with him. I'm still in touch with some of the girls to this day. Some stayed masseuses, while a couple others I lost to drugs or abusive boyfriends. A few went legit. I ended up working for that guy for exactly 1 week before I decided that I shouldn't have to blow anyone just to keep my job.

I worked for a couple different bosses before I finally ended up with Audrey. Over the years, the fate of most businesses has been to slowly turn to full-service. After a business stops offering massages, it's pretty much nothing more than a brothel. Then the cops take notice and they shut down. The sleazy owners (usually guys) then open up shop elsewhere, while the girls circulate through other Businesses.

The "Massage Parlor" is slowly becoming a thing of the past. It's getting harder in this business to keep things sexy without actually crossing over into sex - especially when the full-service places are just around the corner. I mean, we still have our fans - guys who just want to relax for an hour with a little something extra at the end. Then there are the fetishists who don't want sex and find masseuses very understanding of their needs.

I can't fault these girls for eventually making the jump to full-service. The money is usually better, but sometimes you have to because every other girl you work with does it. When you realize one day that customers keep going to all the other girls, you might just give in and let some guy finger you so you can pay your phone bill.

So there you have it - I'm the last of a dying breed! And that's a pretty good summary of what's happened around here in between my first happy ending and that last one from this afternoon. I'll try to be more upbeat next time.

CJ

CJ Comes Over to the Dark Side - Part 3 - My First and Last Day as an Erotic Masseuse

I think you guys have been wondering why I’ve taken so long to talk about my introduction to erotic massage. I’ve been stalling on purpose since it wasn’t a particularly happy memory for me.

Anyways, to continue the story… This was my 2nd customer of the day, and how could things get any worse? I led this 300 pound trucker guy into a room and tell him to get comfortable. I go back to the front and ask Candy for any last minute tips, and she tells me not to be nervous, to just act totally business like and everything should be fine.

I go back in the room and dim the lights. This guy has stripped down to his underwear and is sitting up on the massage table. I’ve massaged women this size before, but never a man! I’m just wondering how I’m going to get through all that body hair. I try not to act nervous and just go through the script that Dawn had me rehearse, “Hi, my name is CJ. Our options are topless for $40, $60 for G-string and $100 for fully nude.”

Almost too quickly he replies, “I want you naked.”

Okaaaaaaaay… that was a little bit creepy the way he said “naked.” He doesn’t say anything else as I quickly take my clothes off. I remember what Dawn said about us not being strippers, and that it’s perfectly OK just to ditch the clothes without acting it up. I had to borrow a G-string from Candy (just in case this guy wanted that option) so in a way I was kinda glad I didn’t need it. But right then I started to feel really self conscious about the way he was just staring at me.

Oh shit! I almost forgot about the money! Rule #5 – always get cash up front. “Oh I almost forgot mister. That’ll be $100.”

He just keeps staring at me, and now he answers way too slowly. “I only pay $60.”

Now I’m getting nervous and a bit irritated. Rule #3 – options are non-negotiable. “Uh… I’m sorry mister, but I can only do a G-string for $60.” Rules are rules, and in a small way I feel like I can wield them like a shield of some kind. Hey – it’s all I had while I was standing naked in front of a 300 pound man. “You gotta pay $100 for the nude option.”

He gets up off the table. “For $100 I wanna blowjob.” Standing I can see he’s easily a foot and half taller than me. “I always get a blowjob” he repeats, but now he’s saying it like a threat. These rooms are about 10 x 12, so with him standing up he’s already within arms reach. Without realizing it, I backed up against the wall. I looked at the door just long enough for him to notice. “You fucking bitch. Where do you think you’re going?”

That was it for me. I completely forgot I was naked, but remembered everything I had learned in that rough neighborhood I grew up in. In 2 seconds I had slipped past him and was out that door. Fully naked, I made a dash straight to the bathroom while screaming “CANDY! CANDY!”

I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t think my escape plan through. I’m in an unfamiliar place surrounded by strangers, so I jumped in the 1 room I knew I could lock. And my purse and phone were in the office! Of course I didn’t realize any of this until that door was locked behind me.

From outside I can hear “Fuck you!” and “Fuck this!” and “Fuck that!” mixed in with other bits of yelling. Now I gotta hand it to strippers – they sure know how to manhandle a guy. I don’t know if Candy was packing or knew Kung Fu or whatever, but eventually the yelling stopped and she came and got me outta that bathroom.

But by then I was a hysterical wreck… so I hesitantly went back in that room to throw my clothes back on, grabbed my phone and purse, mumbled an apology to Candy, and ran for my car. All I remember about the ride home was that I drove way too fast, while my phone kept ringing and ringing. I went straight to my mom’s house and stayed there for a couple days.

I quit the Spa job and just sort of bummed around for a couple weeks. Neither the boyfriend nor mom seemed to care. Dee and Dawn called a bunch of times those first few days, but eventually stopped. I talked to Rita and she said that the trucker guy had been banned from the business. Apparently he had called up a few times threatening me and even threatened to call the police. I wasn’t the first person he had harassed, but I was the first that the owners had heard about up till then.

Two weeks went by before I finally got the nerve to call them back. I had no intention of returning, just wanted to explain myself in person instead of through Rita. One thing led to another and before I hung up I had agreed to give them another try. I don’t know what I was thinking when you consider everything that had happened 2 weeks before over the space of 2 hours. Maybe it was the empty checking account or the fact that my mom and boyfriend were getting on my nerves with me being home all the time. Oh well.

So there I was the next day, ready for the beginning of my very first shift. The funny thing is that after all that drama before, the idea of the Happy Ending wasn’t the biggest thing worrying me – it was wearing a G-string. I hated those things (still do) and was only hoping no one would want that as an option. I had purchased a bunch the night before - and they were sitting safely inside my purse.

Ironically, I really have no memory of my first “full” customer. I just remember him being a normal guy and a normal session. It was a topless option, so most of the stress was off me. As instructed, I kept my eye on the clock for the end of the session, then told him to lay back and relax. I had never given a handjob before using baby oil, so I over-lubed my left hand then gave him the speech, “If there is any remaining part of your body you would like massaged at this time, please indicate by placing my hand there.”

Guess where he guided my hand? Duh.

And then I did what I had always done with the boyfriends – one hand firmly on the thigh, and the other one doing the good old-fashioned one-handed tug. Now I had rarely ever done a handjob to completion before, so I was actually surprised when he started to moan. Usually the boyfriends would just make me stop when they got hard – looking back I think those few times they came was by mistake!

So there I was tugging away. Well, I must have been doing something right because after a moment he started to moan louder. I asked if I was hurting him, and he gave me a big “Gawd No!” I kept tugging away and eventually he tensed up and gave out a load moan, then came all over his stomach. Up till that moment I had never really paid attention to a penis shooting cum before. As he lied there catching his breath, I remember thinking “Cool...”

And THAT my friends is how CJ gave her first Happy Ending. Not much has changed since then, except that I’ve gotten better at it. I still hate wearing G-strings (I keep 1 in my pocket at work – just in case). And I’m still fascinated with the male ejaculation (I think it’s a power-trip thing).

Oh – and I now carry a taser.

CJ

CJ Comes Over to the Dark Side - Part 2.5 - The Rules

Did we all have a good 4th of July weekend? Audrey closed the business for 3 days, so I got a much needed break from work. I didn’t do anything productive, just ate and drank with family and friends, plus fireworks on Friday and Saturday. The great thing about Philly is that there are always plenty of fireworks to see. I even had a real date over the weekend with the Brad Pitt clone, but I think he’s getting frustrated because I’ll make out with him, but I won’t let him touch my breasts. But enough stalling…

This is NOT Part 3 of our exciting 3 Part miniseries. I will get to that eventually, but some of you asked exactly how I learned everything I needed to know about the Art of the Happy Ending. When I first started writing about the “birds and bees” talk with Dawn, I actually began to describe all the sorded details of how they did business, but then I got bored with it and thought you all would get bored too. But I guess not. So here ya go… More of the mundane details on how I learned to properly administer a Happy Ending.

Now at the tender age of %^#$ I had already known how to give a decent handjob, but I had never considered it an important job skill. But let me tell ya, back in those days all I pretty much knew how to do was the standard one-handed tug. I mean think about it – in high school, you don’t really have to be particularly good at anything. Just look at an 18 year old the right way, and he’ll get off.

So basically I only had 1 weapon in my erotic arsenal. Dawn never asked if I KNEW how to give a good handjob – she was only concerned that I was WILLING to give one. Looking back, I guess I didn’t realize the full weight of what I had just agreed to cuz if I did, I may have just run back crying to my Spa job. Now that I’m writing this story down, I think that if they told me about the handjobs BEFORE they gave me that first customer, I probably would have just gotten up and left right there in the interview. Instead, my first customer gives me a cash tip bigger than most of my paychecks from the Spa, THEN I’m told what I was supposed to do to earn it.

(But maybe it’s good that I didn’t walk out, else I wouldn’t be here today telling you this exciting story).

After dropping that atomic bomb of a detail, Dawn quickly changed the subject and moved on to more mundane things about how a massage parlor is different from a spa. For example, the next thing she explained was the “options.” She double checked again to make sure I was OK with getting naked in front of strangers, and believe it or not, after that first guy I realized I was. The rooms are dark and it’s just the 2 of us, so who cares – right?

Dawn said I would offer 3 options – topless only, topless while wearing a G-string (Shit – I normally went without back in those days!), and fully naked. Each had its own price, and they were non-negotiable. She then pointed out that most of the girls offer a 4th option – the “Mutual” massage. – but it’s not required and I could work my way up to that. Let me tell ya – I’m glad she said that because even though I had just agreed to the Happy Ending bit, the thought of strangers groping me just freaked me out.

Dawn noticed the look I gave her when she brought it up, so she went on to say that the customers have no right to touch me in the rooms. This bit actually surprised me and made me feel infinitely more comfortable. I’m not sure why, but perhaps it gave me a feeling of control of what happens in session – I can touch you, but you can’t touch me. It was like this little boundary gave me a sense of security, but I would learn soon enough that it was a false sense of security.

“However,” Dawn went on, “you are allowed to let them touch ‘within reason.’” Why on Earth would I WANT them to do that? Ewwwwwwww. Then she explained that it’s all about the tips, and that I could earn extra money by letting the customers touch me. EXTRA money? There’s even more if I let a guy grab my ass? I figured out later that it was in the owners best interest for me to charge as much as possible – partly because it made me a happy worker, but mostly because it meant they could keep their own prices for extras high too.

The last thing she explained was that their sessions ran from 15 to 45 minutes, with the average being 30 minutes. This is different from a Spa where sessions run from 30 minutes to 2 hours. We were to charge the same for options no matter what the length of the session was, so Dee and Dawn wanted us to push the guys towards shorter times. And when I asked how we could possibly squeeze the massage into a 15 minute session (remember – I’m from a Spa), Dawn said “… we don’t. By the time you take your clothes off it’s time for the hand release. Those customers pretty much just want to be finished quickly so they can get outta here. You will learn to love your 15 minute guys.”

As for the 45 minute sessions, Dawn said there’s no point going any longer since you can’t charge extra for options and you’ll just wear yourself out. Plus, they were doing such good business (back then) that they couldn’t afford to take a girl off the floor for any longer. That’s the one and only thing I miss about the old days! Today, sessions are longer, and I rarely see a 15 minute guy anymore. I guess customers want their money’s worth in this economy.

We spent about 30 minutes going over all the ground rules of my new universe, and I tried to concentrate on them and ask intelligent questions since it helped distract me from the thought of giving my first dreaded “hand release.” When I couldn’t think of any more questions, Dawn took me around and formally introduced me to 2 more girls. Six girls in all worked for them, for a total of 8 masseuses.

With the first shift ending, Dee and Dawn left me with a girl I’ll call Candy (since she was a stripper). They wished me luck and said if I had any problems, just let Candy know. Luckily, she was the chatty type so I got a lot of dirt from her (some of which kinda scared me). The first customer at the door she booked in and then passed on to me. I led this 300 pound trucker into 1 of the session rooms and told him to get comfortable.

15 minutes later I was in my car driving 90 MPH and crying my eyes out. I didn’t go back the next day. I didn’t take any calls from Dee or Dawn. I didn’t go back the next day or the day after. And that was my first day in a massage parlor.


CJ

CJ Comes Over to the Dark Side - Part 2 – Anatomy of a Happy Ending

When I started writing Part 2 of my first day at work, I realized that there was just too much to cover. So I’m going to have to break this up into a 3 part series if I’m going to do it justice. Now if you remember, it’s my very first day at work in a massage parlor. I have just had my first experience with a customer who wanted to see me naked (gasp!) And he wanted me to give him a handjob! (double gasp!). Keep in mind that I’ve only been at work in the Business for about 60 minutes.

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn had a good laugh at my expense with that first customer. He took that whole fiasco in stride since he was good friends with those two. As some of you guys have suggested, I think they had him come in just to break in the newbie.

I’m still shaken up by what’s happened so far, when Dawn takes me to the back office to explain the “Birds and Bees” of erotic massage. I think Dawn gave me the talk since she was also a LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist).

“I see that Rita didn’t fully explain what we do around here?” She said with a smile.

“Uh… No. What kinda place is this anyhow?” At this point I was mad, confused and embarrassed. Mad that they threw me into this. Confused by everything new around me. And embarrassed by my reaction.

“That’s OK CJ. Let me explain…” She took a deep breath. “This is what we call Erotic Massage,” She made quotation signs with her hands. “We give NON-therapeutic, relaxing massages to men,” I liked the way she stressed the word ‘non.’ “And we end each session with what we call a ‘Hand Release.’” She saw my eyebrows arch at that. “Have you ever heard of a Happy Ending… No? Well, basically it's a handjob.” She looked at me and let it set in.

Basically? -What the Hell does that mean?! I didn’t say anything – I just continued to look at her with my eyebrows arched. She must have thought I was mental. “Are you OK with that?" she asked.

I wanted to think first before answering. Up till now I’d only given handjobs to 3 different boyfriends, and most of those were foreplay – not to completion! But I felt really stuck there sitting in front of her, hearing all this for the first time, while that $100 tip was burning a hole in my pocket. I decided to just say yes.

She could tell I was nervous and did her best to put a spin on things. “This is NOT a full-service massage parlor” she said as if that explained everything to naïve, country-bumpkin, kid-outta-high-school me. “There is absolutely NO sex allowed in this Business.” I think the look I gave her was something between total incomprehension and relief. She continued, “You end every session with a hand release and nothing more. The customers are not allowed to ask for anything else, and the girls are not allowed to offer anything else, or I’ll fire them.”

Looking back I now see this was a load of crap, but live and learn, right?

I remember thinking “Well that’s good!” as if that 1 minute explanation really made getting naked and jerking strangers off completely normal and OK. But I think the burning $100 tip was slowly curing my confusion and irritation. She double and triple checked with me that I’m OK with all this, and I said I was. This is when Dawn finally told me the full rules of her Business.

The first thing she explained was that her Business offers “Relaxing” massages – not Therapeutic. I went to massage school, and they didn’t exactly cover the “relaxing” technique (nor the Hand-Release for that matter, but I digress). Dawn described it as “…deep tissue, but at half the intensity. Ever do a one hour deep tissue on a fat house wife?” My hands ached at the thought. “Well, we don’t do that here.” Phew! Even I liked that idea.

The next thing she explained was that all sessions end with a hand release.

All? Every single guy who walks through that door? Aren’t there any customers who just want a massage and a topless girl to look at?

“ALL sessions end with a release” she said as if that was the end of it. “Now pay attention because this is really important. When you get to the last 7 or 8 minutes of your session, end the massage with the customer on his back. “ She looked seriously at me then continued, “Now it is absolutely essential that you begin the hand release by saying the following…”

And this my friends are the words that launched my career, spawned a thousand handjobs, and continue to haunt me to this day.

“…If there is any part of your body that you would like to be massaged at this time, please indicate so by placing my hand there.”

And that is how CJ became an Erotic Massage Therapist. Mind you I was still a “virgin” since I hadn’t actually provided any happy endings yet – which is the true milestone of going over to the Dark Side. Dawn filled me in on the more mundane details of how they do business including what options we were allowed to offer, pricing, etc.

Armed with my new knowledge on how to offer a happy ending, I went back to the break room to await my first chance to practice the dreaded “hand release.” So for now I’ll just say that my first customer – the naked man asking me for a handjob – was the highlight of my day. It only went downhill from there.

CJ

Guys Are Really Cute When They're Giving You Things - Follow Up

OK guys, I just wanted to take a quick break here in the middle of my exciting story of my first day at work to reveal the correct answers to my post on favors.

I tried explaining earlier that when I originally wrote that, I didn’t consciously try to create 2 matching sets of favors given and received. But luckily, it was close enough to make a game out of it! So here is a better explanation of the favors I have received throughout the years in this business.

(BTW – Please feel free to compare these to that turkey you got from your boss on Thanksgiving and then tell me who has the better job)

Insanely generous tip – Handjob on his boat
This is another one of my “Cindy” stories. You see, after receiving the “insanely” generous tip in question, Cindy and I were invited to go on the boat of one of my SD’s (Sugar Daddy). Towards the end of the day, Cindy and her SD went downstairs into that cabin thing so they could fuck like bunny rabbits, leaving me and my SD drinking beer up on top. Well after a couple of beers I was feeling a bit frisky. So after fetching us a couple of cold ones, I casually reached over with my left hand and undid his pants. He gave me a look, but didn’t complain as I pulled his dick out of his pants and starting working it. So there I was – beer in the right hand and his cock in my left. I worked him for a bit and he finished just in time for me to grab a refill.

Car wash - Lunch
This was one of my young “fans” who wanted to do something nice without spending any money. I took him out for lunch as soon as he was done, so I wouldn’t feel like I owed him anything the next time we were in session.

6 months of my cell phone bill – Undying gratitude
I didn’t ask him to, but I do confess that I had spent enough time complaining about my bill in front of him. It was a nice gesture, but kinda creepy at the same time – so I didn’t want to go out of my way to acknowledge it.

Car payment – Harley Davidson leather jacket
I saw this as more of a loan than a favor, so I returned it with something of equal value. The fact that the jacket was a gift from a customer is neither here nor there.

Every CD from the band Dirty Looks – Free 45 minute session AND dinner
I LOVE this band – and he really went out of his way to find all those CD’s since you can’t buy them in the store anymore. I was so thankful that I took him out for dinner immediately after giving him a free session.

Fixed a speeding ticket – Butt release
This was a classic case of “I know a guy who knows a guy…” with one of my Regulars who was a lawyer. He placed a couple of phone calls and gave me a detailed list of instructions I had to follow to a letter, and it all worked out. Even though he was a lawyer, he never tipped me extra – so I gave him a special treat at the end of one of our sessions by handing him the bottle of oil, lying down on the table with my ass up and telling him “It’s all yours…”

Free hotel room – Thank you card
The guys used his free “miles” – what more do you want?

Play Station 3 – Breast Release and a free 45 minute session
He called it his “Finders Fee.” LOL I figured it was the least I could do considering he had to hit a dozen stores before finding one.

New clothes – Undying gratitude
I love new clothes and will always accept them as a gift (except for black T-shirts which I can’t stand). This is probably the most common gift I get from customers (jewelry is second).

2 new car tires – Nothing
Now this was a weird one. I once had a blowout on the way to work, and ended up driving around on that donut tire for about a week before I had time to buy a new one. This 1 customer who always gave me the creeps comes in one day with 2 (TWO!) tires. 1 tire makes sense. 4 tires make sense. But 2 tires which I didn’t need or ask for????? Come on!!!!! Plus, he was the kinda guy who expected a blowjob for something like that.

Foot rub – Hand job in the bathroom
This was one of Trina’s Regulars who I’m friends with. He once came in to see her and ended up giving me a foot rub while waiting for her. I absolutely LOVE getting my feet rubbed – probably more than sex. No kidding. He did such a good job, I took him in the bathroom and took care of him right there.

Prada purse – Facial
This started off as a joke between me and a Regular. He was going to NYC and asked if I wanted anything. Well, after a bit of joking around we came up with the agreement that I’d let him jerk off on my face if he came back with a Prada purse. Now before you all start laughing about how it’s probably a $30 knock-off from Chinatown, I know how to spot an imposter. It’s all in the stitching on the inside and the layout of the pattern on the outside. Well, he brought it into our next session. After thoroughly inspecting it inside and out, I shook his hand, congratulated him, got down on my knees and said “Just don’t get it in my eyes.”

Now that just leaves the “Back rub” as the last of my favors that I give away. But as I said before, the list’s don’t perfectly match. The free massage is one of the most common favors I’ll give, but it’s usually only given to family and friends. It doesn’t make sense at the Business since customers still need to pay Audrey the Session Fee, so if I want to do a customer a favor for any reason, I’ll usually just give him an extra option.

So now you guys all know how to get my attention! Next week I will provide you an address to which you can start sending me tires and black T-shirts.

CJ

CJ Comes Over to the Dark Side - Part 1 - My First Customer

Well after much soul searching, I decided to finally share the tale of how I got into this strange business. It wasn't exactly a fairy princess story, but what the heck, it paid the bills - fabulously.

You see, after I graduated high school, I got a few odd jobs at first. Looked into a few jobs including Nurses Aid (imagine me as a nurse!). Then I heard about the program for licensed massage therapy and decided to sign up.

First job was at an upscale day spa downtown. You'd think the job would be sweet, but let me tell ya about those rich bitches. A bunch of no tipping, cheap asses. They always remembered to tip the girl who did the nails or hair, but us masseuses they always forgot. To make matters worse, I had to put in 24 hours per week AND be on-call for another 24. Back then a typical session was about $60 to the house and tips were optional. Well since no one tipped me, all I got was $20 per massage plus $6 per hour whenever I was in the spa. And I got NO money for being on call. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that I averaged about 3 sessions per week. Talk about a disappointing job. I remember once thinking that the Shampooer had a better job than me - and that's why today I tell strangers that I'm a Shampooer at a day spa!

At this time I had a friend named Greg who I used to party with. Well, I used to notice how his wife Rita always had new clothes, and was quick to pick up the tab. I'm not the kind to be jealous of anyone, so I never asked any questions about what she did for a living. Then one night at Greg's I was talking with Rita and she asked me what I did for a living. When I told her I was a LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist) but didn't care much for it, her eyes got big and she said "Girl, have I got a job for you. I'm a masseuse too!"

But for some reason I thought there was something funny about the way she said it. I asked her where she worked, and she said it was across town at a place I had never heard of. She said they gave "relaxing massages" with "options." I think I gave her a weird look (remember - I went to school for this) when she explained that she did these massages only for men, while topless or wearing a G-string.

Let me tell ya - I looked at her like there was a horn growing out of the middle of her forehead. She noticed and laughed. "It's not that bad! I get about $40 to $80 per massage. Here - I want you to come with me to work tomorrow."

And that was the very first time I had ever heard of an erotic massage. I had no idea what to make of the idea of getting topless in front of strangers, but that amount of money per massage was just crazy. At that time I was living with a psycho boyfriend and any money to get me out of that shithole was welcome, so looking back I think I just kinda stopped asking questions because I could quadruple my income overnight.

The next day I went with Rita to her business, which was owned by two women who we would later affectionately refer to as "Tweedle-Dee" and "Tweedle-Dawn." They seemed nice enough and were very impressed with the fact that I had my LMT license. I was hired on the spot and told to get ready to take my first customer.

Now lets pause here and reflect over what has just happened (because I've gone over this in my mind a hundred times since then). What I've written here is pretty much EXACTLY what was discussed with me before I got hired. Now let us continue with this exciting story...

This guy shows up who's friends with the owners. They tell me to take him in session, so I lead him into one of the rooms. This guy (we'll call Mister) starts looking me up and down, telling me how beautiful I am and that he'll take a "nude with mutual."

Nude? NUDE? No one said nude!

"Hey mister - you wanna get me fired! I can't get naked! I can take my top off but that's it!" I was so scared about getting fired on my first client that I completely forgot that I could also take the pants off. He kinda giggled and said it was fine then. It was a little surprising how easily I took my shirt off in front of a stranger. I just figured that the room is dark, he's lying face down, and my boyfriend will NEVER KNOW.

He took the hour, so I started doing a complete therapeutic. I tried to ignore the fact that he did NOT wrap the towel around him. He was pleasantly surprised at how good I was and kept telling me so. I had never heard anyone enjoy my work that much before. The old Rich Bitches never said anything except "you're doing it too hard" or "it hurts when you do that." I have to admit it was kinda flattering, especially since I rarely ever had a male client before.

He flips over and I start on his pecs, once again trying really hard to ignore the fact that he's NOT wearing the towel. I work down to mid torso then jump straight to his legs, but before I can continue he looks at the clock and says "Now it's your turn."

"My turn for what?" I really had no clue what he just meant.

"I wanted a mutual. Remember?" He was being patient. I asked him what a mutual was. "uh... that's where I get to massage you."

"What?! You can't do that! I told you mister, that's against the rules and I don't want to get fired" I said angrily. I think he realized I was serious, so he said I could just finish up then. So I went back to his legs and started working them again. I had to go quickly since his 45 minutes were almost up.

I notice now that he's fidgeting, and then finally he sits up and asks "what about the ending?" in an annoyed tone. I told him I was almost done and he said, "... no. I mean the hand job."

!!!?????!!!!!!??????

????!!!! ???!!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!! ?

!!!!

I can't really describe with words what I was thinking at that moment. I was shocked, offended, scared and confused all at the same time. That was it for me. I yelled "I'm not doing that!" Then I threw my shirt back on - oily hands and all - grabbed my bra and bolted out the door. I went straight to the office and explained that I was just taken advantage of by that "friend" of theirs and that none of it was my fault - "Please don't fire me!"

But all they did was laugh. This really threw me. I felt like I was Alice and this was Wonderland. What kind of place was this???? Naked men? Naked Masseuses? Handjobs??? Remember - I was young, naive and just out of high school. I had no idea what a "massage parlor" was.

When they were done laughing, they told me not to worry and they would take care of it. Dee went to see Mister to explain that I was a newbie. A few minutes later, she comes back and says "Everything's cool. Here - this is for you." Then Dee hands me $100 in cash. "That's your tip." My eyes bugged out - I had weekly paychecks that were less than that. To Dawn she said "He thought she was sweet, but we have to talk to her."

This is when someone finally explained to me what "Erotic Massage" REALLY meant. And my life hasn't been the same since.

And that ends Part 1 of my so called "first time." Unfortunately, this is the nice part of the story. Part 2 is going to be harder for me to tell.

CJ

Guys Are Really Cute When They're Giving You Things

I got some interesting questions from you guys about what kind of favors guys do for me. Well here is a small list of things people have done for me in the hopes of getting in my good graces (both customers and friends):

1) Insanely generous tip
2) Car wash
3) 6 months of my cell phone bill.
4) Car payment
5) Every CD made from the band Dirty Looks
6) Fixed a speeding ticket
7) Free hotel room
8) Play Station 3 (right when it came out!)
9) New clothes
10) 2 new car tires
11) Foot rub
12) A Prada purse

And of course, being the wonderful, giving person I am, I returned the favors in kind. Here is a small example of things I've done to show my gratitude. (Try to match the favors given to those received!)

1) Free 45 minute session
2) Dinner
3) Breast release
4) Undying gratitude
5) 10 minute back rub
6) Nothing
7) Harley Davidson Leather jacket
8) Facial
9) Lunch
10) Butt release
11) Thank You card
12) Hand job on his boat

Happy Guessing!

CJ

The Double-Handed Criss-Cross Technique

OK - I found it. I made some phone calls this week and confirmed that there is a video of me performing my infamous Double-Handed Criss-Cross technique.

Of course I have absolutely no intention of sharing it on the internet. LOL

But it's funny that I had almost completely forgotten that I had a copy of it. Ya see, it was about 3 or so years ago, a friend of mine (Sugar Daddy Brad) introduced me to a friend of his we'll call Jared. Really nice guy, not quite 50 who unfortunately became a widower at an early age. My SD Brad suggested my services might help cheer him up a bit since it had been a couple of years already and he hadn't started dating yet. I called him up and asked if he still had the video and he said "What - did you lose your copy?"

HOLY SHIT! If went through all my crap at home and found it inside the DVD box for "All Dogs Go To Heaven." Thank God my nephew never borrowed that one. So then I popped it in to refresh my memory of the old days...

Anyway, I used to see Jared once or twice a month for about a year, and our sessions weren't anything out of the ordinary. Then one day I asked him for a REALLY REALLY big favor. Well, he came through and I asked him what he wanted in return. He gave me a big shit-eating grin and asked quite humbly "Can I get a video tape of you doing the end part?"

Wow. Not quite what I expected. I thought he'd ask for a free breast release or something. Maybe take him out to dinner. Heck, I had never done video or even camera's before. However, I felt I could really trust him not to try to blackmail me with it since Sugar Daddy Brad would just kick his ass. So I said "Sure! I even have a few ideas."

At our next session, he came in with a gym bag that contained the video camera (couldn't let Audrey see it!!!). He showed me how it worked, and then we played with it a bit and tried to figure out the best angles and the lighting. Then I told him "Sit over there and I'll pretend to come in and seduce you." He sat in the corner of the room and I went out and then walked back in very casually.
"Hi... What can I do for you?" I used the deep voice.

He started laughing and said "I heard I could have a good time around here. How about you lose that shirt?"

I walked up and stopped in front of him. "You like that?" I said as I pulled my T-shirt up over my head. Then I undid my bra and let it hit the floor. He didn't say anything after that. I think he was just concentrating on holding the camera still.

I told him to get comfortable, so he turned the camera off and stripped. He wasn't interested in a massage at this point, so he just lied back and propped the camera up as best he could so he could see the view finder. I stripped down to G-string, then grabbed the warm oil.

My table is about 3 feet off the ground, so when a guy with a normal build lies on it, my breasts are just slightly above a nice hard dick. This way I can perform the hand release without my hands blocking view of The Girls.

I oiled him up and started off with just my left hand working his cock up and down. When he became hard enough I moved my right hand across the other to rub his balls. So picture my arms crossed as I work him. With the left hand I'm working his cock up and down, and my right forearm slides back and forth along the side of his cock while the right hand strokes his balls. And with my arms crossing each other, they push The Girls up and out, which makes for a really nice show.

He made some moaning noises, but I didn't hurry him along since this was his reward. He kept the camera pretty much focused on my hands and tits. I think he wanted to make a point of not shooting my face. Now all I did for 5 minutes was work him with my hands, changing position every now and then, but still trying to keep The Girls pressed together. Eventually he started moaning louder and said "I wanna cum on your tits!" I obliged him and leaned over slightly as he came. He shot an embarrasingly small load onto the side of my right breast. I rubbed it around with the tip of his dick (for dramatic effect) then I made a peace sign for the camera!!!! LOL

Then the screen turned blue. A few seconds later, I saw myself in a white bustier with matching white gloves... FUCK - I FORGOT ABOUT THE REST OF THE TAPES! I quickly turned it off and then grabbed my laptop to write all this shit down.

And that was my very first foray into the world of video porn. Now as you can see, I had so much fun showing off for the camera, that I actually shot a number of other videos with Jared, but those stories will have to wait for later. Funny how he ended up doing a LOT of favors for me that year.

CJ

The Narc

Audrey finally hired someone. I like how she waited until I was off to do it. The new girl is named Rachel, and she worked for the Other Business a couple years ago. Trina and I vaguely remember her name. I called over to the Other Place just to make sure it was the same girl we were thinking of and it checked out. They didn’t have much to say about her, other than she was kinda on and off for a while before she finally quit.

It’s unclear what she was doing the last couple years. She told Audrey during the interview that she was at home taking care of her boyfriends kids and doing odd jobs. Trina and I called up some of our Go-To girls to get the real story. Rumor has it she had run-ins with the law over the years - possibly drugs or some domestic shit. One of my friends implied she may have been an informant for the police, but she had no proof. Trina heard something similar, except that Rachel had blabbed about the Other Business to the police in order to get out of a drug rap. Once again, no proof of any of this, so now we’re stuck with her. Oh well.

She’s kinda cute. Medium height, thin but not skinny. Dark brown hair in a perm. No obvious signs of drug use (thank God). So far she’s been really quiet, which is kinda creepy, but I guess that’s normal with people you don’t know. I was trying all day to get some sort of personal dirt out of her, but nada. If she really is a Narc, maybe we can get her to trip up on her own story.

Narcs aren’t common in this business. I mean, how can a Narc work her way into a full-service Business when she actually has to fuck customers to do it? And the non-full service places like us – forget it. You think the cops are interested in a story about how you DIDN’T blow some guy for money? Please…

Anyway, I gave Rachel the first customer of the day just to see how she’d do. Audrey already gave her the talk about how we are NOT full-service, the speech we give before the happy ending, our prices for the options, how to dress, etc… (as if Audrey actually follows any of her own rules). Rachel’s first session was 30 minutes with a $80 tip. Well I know that guy went home happy, so it looks like she’s one of us.

I insisted we close the business so we could do lunch together - partly because I get bored eating by myself, but mostly because I wanted to see how she reacts when she’s not alone. I mean, would she spend the hour glancing at her cell phone? Or maybe sneak off to the bathroom and come back wiping her nose? You can learn a lot about a person when they’re stuck sitting next to you for an hour.

Unfortunately, I have nothing exciting to report about her other than she recently broke up with her boyfriend and now has to work. I did think it was odd though that she claims she never worked full-service for the Other Business when I know all the girls there do (I know I was able to get away with it, but that was a while ago). The next time Trina works with her, I’ll make sure she asks the exact same questions so we can compare notes. I’ll keep you posted on how she works out.

As for me, I don’t have anything new to report. I had the entire weekend off, so I spent it hanging out at my mom’s place doing gardening. I also had a “date” with the Brad Pitt clone. He’s nice and all, but if he apologizes one more time for how he treated me in high school, I’m going to strangle him.

CJ

Official Results of the Readers Poll

OK boys and girls. I’ve added everything up and even weeded out a few cheaters and confused people. The final result (for now anyway) is:

Boys: 37 (62%)
Girls: 23 (38%)

Interesting. I honestly had no idea what to expect. But the good news is that it’s not going to affect what I write about.

What I really enjoyed was reading all of your comments, and I hope to get around to addressing all of them eventually. There were a few in there that I found really flattering – like the 10 year married couple that learned a better way to give hand jobs! Too bad I don’t have any video of my patented double-handed criss-cross technique (actually I do, but that's a whole other story). Then there was a girl who wanted to watch her boyfriend get a massage and happy ending. I also got a few shouts from some of my fellow colleagues. It’s always nice to hear from people who find some of this shit perfectly normal.

Then there were a few comments from guys who had bad experiences in massage parlors. And even one from a girl who discovered her boyfriend had gone to one (more than once I've had an angry wife on the phone wondering what "massage" was doing on her husbands VISA). One guy said he was kinda put off by some of the things I’ve described here. Believe me – not my intention. And one guy actually said he stopped going to parlors because we made him "cum too fast." Can we help it if we're good at our jobs?

But let me thank you guys again for speaking up. I got some good feedback, plus several ideas for future posts.

CJ