Thanksgiving Blues

I'm fucking pissed off at Audrey right now. I reminded you all that Thanksgiving week is the Mother of All Massage Weeks. Well, two things happened. First off, I can say with proof that the economy is in the shitter since business overall was less than half of what it was last year. This Thanksgiving, I had customers half the customers, and those that did come in were lousy tippers. It felt like another typical week - as if there was no holiday at all. It's almost eerie that no one has the extra cash anymore.

Second, that mother fucking bitch asshole Audrey worked through all my shifts!!!! In other words, whatever few customers came in, I had to share them with her. I would have had more if that bitch cunt hadn't sat there "helping" me with the few guys that bothered to show up. Fuck - I really needed that extra money for Xmas. Oh well.

But the final insult began this week. I typically work nights at the beginning of the week (because they're the worst shifts and Audrey doesn't want them). Usually we're dead, but the beginning of December is what I like to call "my little secret." This is the beginning of hunting season here in PA. It's a HUGE deal around here - so huge that it's kinda like a national holiday for us. In fact, I've even heard that some of the smaller towns actually close their schools for that first day of the season.

Anyway, I can usually count on the phone ringing off the hook, and the doorbell going non-stop. I guess when you get a bunch of guys with an excuse to get out of the house unsupervised for several days at a time, all that testosterone has to go somewhere.

That's where I come in (no pun intended).

For the most part, they're local guys that I don't see regularly. But once deer season starts, they're all in here with good moods and ready to party. The usually take shorter sessions (since they gotta get back on the road), but the tips are usually good. So I can usually clean up big time in a night if I can schedule them just right.

I've kept this surge in business away from Audrey for years now. I kinda flub the numbers in the log and I make sure all answering machine message are deleted before I go home. This way, she's never figured out how busy it actually is. Well, somehow that stupid bitch slut pig figured it out. So for the first time she actually sat in with me for the first 2 nights this week.

The good news is that I got to stick her with a bunch of therapeutic massages (the non-tippers). The bad news is that the overall turnout this year was horrible! But after the big Thanksgiving bust, I wasn't surprised. I guess you could say I was just disappointed. I was really counting on that money this year to make up for this total slump in business.

With any luck, she''s wondering what the big deal is about hunting season, and will NOT try to steal my shifts again next year. Then again, at the rate things are going there may not be a next year around here. Ugh.

I wonder if the Gap is hiring. I look fabulous in their T-shirts.

CJ

Happy Thanksgiving

My baby sister and I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few last minute items for mom. Just as we were pulling into the parking lot, a guy in a ski jacket comes bolting out the front door and running through the parking lot. As he passed us, a guy in a white shirt and tie came running out of the store chasing him.

Now this stuff usually only happens in the movies, but just at the exact moment the ski jacket guy reaches the street, a cop car just pulled up directly in front of him. I swear it was absolute perfect timing.

My sister and I watched this and started laughing our asses off. I mean honestly - when have you ever seen a cop arrive right in the knick of time? Well anyway, we got a good laugh about it while we did our shopping. About 15 minutes later, we were back out the door.

The cops are still parked at the edge of the parking lot. We get in the car and pull out, taking our time to drive past slowly so we can see what's happening. Ski jacket guy is standing next to the cop car with his hands cuffed behind him. Shirt and tie guy is talking to the cops. And on the hood of the cop car, we see 6 cans of soup.

We stopped laughing and didn't say much on the ride home.

Happy fucking Thanksgiving.

CJ

What would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?

I'm totally ashamed about what I did for a Klondike Bar...

Anyway, you're probably all wondering how my "date" with Sugar Daddy Pete (SDP) went. Well lets just say that we both got what we wanted... LOL

Well if you remember, we had agreed on dinner and a visit to the new vacation house. It turns out that this place is kinda out there in Amish country, so I ended up meeting him in town early Friday afternoon and then jumping in his car for the ride. I discovered to my surprise that he already owns a condo near where the house is being built, and that was where he was taking me to dinner. The ride was kinda long, but it gave us plenty of time to talk and get comfortable. SDP is one of those guys who puts you at ease and can talk about any topic. Our conversation went from the election to the best place to buy womens shoes (DSW).

The condo was gorgeous (except for the tiny little bathrooms). SDP dabbled a little bit in real estate and got this place for a song. This was well before he decided to upgrade to a full vacation spread nearby. With the house almost finished he's either gonna sell this place or transfer it to a friend of his. I made a joke about that friend being "me" and he laughed - politely.

SDP cooked a wicked good pasta dish. The bottle of wine we polished off wasn't too bad either. Let me tell ya, I coulda just hung out at his place all night. I had a little buzz going, it was cold outside, SDP was quite charming, and the flat screen TV didn't hurt things. But eventually he suggested we take a ride out there since it was already getting dark. So we jumped into his Range Rover (did I mention he has a Range Rover? His other car is a Mercedes and his wife drives a Lexus) for the short drive out to the house.

The house is located on the edge of some woods, overlooking a little valley - absolutely gorgeous views, even for the Amish country. It looked more or less done, except for all the construction trash lying all over the bare dirt yard. I have to tell you, it was probably the biggest house I've ever been in. I think I counted 6 bedrooms and probably as many baths. It's hard to remember since one room kinda blended into the next. No furniture yet, but most of the fixtures had been installed.

We ended the tour in the kitchen, and you know what they say... "The party always ends in the kitchen." This was no exception. I knew what he was thinking - remember, my last boyfriend was a contractor. And when you're a contractor there's nothing like breaking in a new house! I don't know what it is with men and empty buildings. If you knew how many times I've "christened" a bathtub, kitchen floor, garage, and even fresh carpeting in some poor guys house, you'd never look at your builder the same again. Weird stain on your new hot tub? And you thought it was just glue...

Well in this case, Pete was eyeing the new granite kitchen countertop. Yeah - like that's soooooo original. Granite is cold and freakin hard on the knees, but at least it's easy to clean up afterwards. We were just standing there making small talk when his hand started playing with the side of my Fuck-Me skirt (which perfectly matched my Fuck-Me heels). I pretended not to notice or care, which I think just made him even more bold. After a minute of running his fingers up and down my hip, he just sort of casually worked his way lower and lower until they started to brush the bottom of the skirt.

Then without warning, my skirt was up and over my ass. I stopped talking and just gave him a big smile as if this was most welcome. He didn't grab my ass right away, but instead used his other hand to lift the front of my skirt. I have to admit, it was pretty kinky to be standing there underneath those super bright construction lights with my skirt raised, all vulnerable like. I decided right there that I didn't want him to dominate the moment.

I looked straight into his eyes, and very slowly dropped to my knees, the fabric of my raised skirt moving gently down across his fingers. First the back of the skirt fell free, then the front. I kept going until I almost reached the floor. In my heels, my face was more or less even with his belt buckle. Without taking my eyes off of his, I deliberately moved my hands up his pant legs until they reached his zipper. The front of his pants were becoming visibly tight at this point. I playfully rubbed my nose against the fabric as I tugged his zipper down and pulled out his

Boy you guys are suckers! Did you really think I'd suck the dick of a guy I barely know for money? Hell, I don't even like doing that with guys I'm dating. Anyway, we DID end the tour in the kitchen (which was to die for if you like kitchens). I told him what a lovely house he has, and that it shows off his tastes. He said if I play my cards right we could be enjoying the outdoor jacuzzi later this winter. Then he took me back to town and to my car. No - we didn't stop back at the condo for more wine. We chatted for a bit longer about just stuff in general - nothing really serious - when he finally handed me an envelope.

"Here... This is to help you with your bills."

I didn't open it, but thanked him. Then he gave me a little peck on the cheek and told me he'd be back this way soon. And that was it - he was a perfect gentleman. The thing you have to understand about the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationship is that it's about 90% business and only 10% personal. It's basically a business transaction - actually having chemistry is just a bonus. That's why I really never expected him to make a pass at me. And also another reason why I know he's done this before.

I didn't open the envelope until I got home. It was a more than generous "donation" to the charitable cause which is CJ. Hell, if I get this "just because" I can't wait to see what he does for Xmas!

And that was my "date" with Sugar Daddy Pete. Sorry if my story didn't give you guys the money shot you were hoping for!

CJ

Massage Parlor Etiquette

OK - now that we're approaching the Mother of All Massage Weeks - Thanksgiving - I thought I'd give you guys a quick lesson in massage parlor etiquette. Why Thanksgiving week you ask? Well, think about it...


1) Millions of tired, cranky guys on the road in desperate need of stress relief
2) All heading to places they're in no hurry to get to
3) Wallets are full and have not been emptied yet by the Xmas season
4) It's the last opportunity to do something for yourself for the next 5 weeks

So I expect all you guys out there to hit your local (or not so local) massage parlors next week. Pay attention because there will be a quiz. Now I'm not going to get into HOW to find a massage parlor, since I went over that in an older post. I will also take this moment to remind you guys out there to boycot the Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) since they are usually tied to organized crime. So if you're gonna get your dick rubbed, do it for America!

We'll assume that you've found a place and you're ready to give it a try. These rules should apply to parlors whether full-service or not. So take notes and pay attention:

1) Be prepared

As long as you're prepared to have an erotic massage, things should go smoothly. First, be clean. A little personal hygiene goes a long way. Not every place has showers, so try to wash up before you head on over. I can't tell you how many times I've had to deal with nasty B.O. And let me tell ya - nothing turns off a masseuse more than a stinky customer. A little cologne helps too. Remember - you want us to ENJOY being around you for an hour. Come in with a little CK and I may be convinced to spend some extra time with you. Wear some Burberry and I may end up going home with you! But douse yourself with Drakkar and your ass may end up on the street.

The other key to being prepared is to BRING CASH. Some parlors will take credit cards, but ALL would prefer not to. Besides, when it comes time to negotiate what options you want in the room, you need cash! Nothing kills the mood faster than having to stop a session, just to go run a credit card. Besides, you probably want a paper trail less than we do.

For newbies, I would suggest having $200 in cash on you. Don't get scared - you can probably get a decent massage with a nice happy ending for around $100. But the last thing you want is to not have enough cash to negotiate with. Meanwhile, full service places may end up costing you more than $200. Believe me - there is no "maximum" to the amount you can spend in session. Now if you're looking for something more kinky or downright weird, then you DEFINITELY need to have some cash on you. I know what I charge for options and extras, but i can't speak for other places. So PLEASE don't ask me to guess how much a topless session with foot worship and ball-busting ending with a breast release would cost.

2) Know The Lingo

I've posted other stuff on the secret language of the massage parlor, but I'll quickly go over it here just so you don't do or say anything stupid.

When you walk in, don't say anything dumb like "Can I get laid?" As a general rule we do not discuss ANYTHING that goes on within the rooms on the phone or at the desk. This is for obvious reasons. Leave your dirty little laundry list of perversions for once you're inside the room. At the desk you'll first be asked if you've ever been there before. You can say, "Yes, but it's been a while..." or "No, but I've had non-therapeutic massages before." This lets them know that you're cool and they won't automatically stick you with a therapeutic massage with no happy ending.

Feel free to ask who'll be giving you the massage. Some places will trot out all the girls for you to chose from (We call this the "Beauty Pageant" and we HATE it). At most places you'll get whoever is working the desk. If you don't fancy her, feel free to ask if there's anyone else available, but don't be an asshole about it. One polite way that doesn't offend me is to ask if there's any "brunette's" available (I'm blonde). It doesn't hurt my feelings and gets me to describe the other girls.

All that's discussed at the front desk is just the amount of time you want in session. For starters, I'd say 45 minutes. 30 is too short to enjoy yourself, and the price for options remains the same. If you end up having a good time and want to increase it, you can always do that for a nominal price.

Once you're in the room, Wait for the masseuse to give you instructions before asking about what all the options are. If she asks you to "get comfortable" then leaves, that's your cue to disrobe and get under the towel. This part is important! I know some places that if you don't get naked, they take that as a sign that you're a newbie and want a therapeutic massage only. The masseuse will then offer you her particular options; typically topless, nude or G-string. When options are offered, the understanding is that you're gonna get your happy ending. You don't have to ask! At my business the happy ending is a hand release, but in full service places you'll also be offered the option of a blowjob or fucking. Either way, your session will still consist of a relaxing massage followed by the happy ending you paid for.

And finally, if you want what we call "extras" then ask up front. Extras are anything above and beyond the happy ending such as breast release, toe sucking, lingerie, facials, etc. Ask politely while you're still negotiating the options for two reasons. First, some girls may not mind the extra you want and won't charge for it. I knew one girl who didn't charge extra for breast releases because she figured anything that gets the guy off quicker, the better for her.

Second, if you wait till the end of your session to ask for an extra, you'll probably get charged more than if you had negotiated it up front. I can't begin to tell you how much $$$ I've made off of guys who wait till the MIDDLE of the hand release (when all the blood has rushed away from their brains) to ask for something extra. I call that a "Cha-Ching!" moment - as in "Hey Trina, the drinks are on me. I had a Cha-Ching moment during my 3 o'clock."

3) Attitude, Attitude, Attitude

The key to enjoying yourself, relaxing and having a good time in a massage parlor is attitude. I can't emphasize that enough. If you come in with the right attitude, then you'll definitely have a good time.

Think of it this way... Picture your masseuse as a really cute waitress. It's her job to get you what you ordered, you're going to be in close contact with her for an hour, and she works for tips. So what should you do if you want to really enjoy your time? You treat her with respect, you joke around, and even flirt. Remember - she's the one who's stuck at work, but would really like to enjoy that hour just as much as you do. So if you're friendly and make the time enjoyable for both of you, then she'll return the favor. But instead of free drinks, you might get some extra time or even an extra option for free!

I remember this one customer - a traveling salesman of some kind. Well, let me tell ya - this guy was a total pisser. He was cracking jokes and making me laugh from the minute he walked through the door. He was in no way a good looking guy, but I ended up enjoying his company so much that I actually went way outta my way for him, just so he'd stay longer. I even ended up doing a little strip tease for him - something that I NEVER do for Regulars because I'm too self conscious - just because we both thought it would be funny.

So remember guys - a little bit of the right attitude goes a looooong way.

4) Expectations

This one is particularly important for the newbies. Keep your expectations reasonable - especially if it's your first erotic massage. Remember - not all of you will be lucky enough to find me next week. Attitude also plays in this one. Expect to have a good time, but don't walk in to a place you've never seen before and expect a harem of Pamela Anderson clones willing to blow you. All you should expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage by a semi-clad masseuse, followed by a hand release.

Let me back up here... Technically, all you're supposed to expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage. That's it. In fact, some parlors will ONLY give you a therapeutic massage if you're a new customer. So there is a chance that you may get disappointed if it's your first time.
Chances are you won't know if the parlor you're in is full service or not until AFTER you get there.

Some full service places will just tell you up front, others wait until after you're in the room. Once again - DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING. Your masseuse may not tell you what her options are until after the massage part is over - especially if you're new and she's trying to figure out if you're cool or not. In my Business, I offer my clothing options up front (topless, nude, or G-string). I don't even mention the hand release, since I assume that it's understood. If you want an extra such as a breast release, go ahead and ask! Believe me, there is probably nothing new these girls haven't heard before.

Now if you don't know if the parlor you're in offers full service, by all means don't be afraid to ask! Just say up front "Are you full service?" It won't offend us. In fact, it helps if you get it on the table right away just so your expectations are addressed sooner rather than later. And if it's not full service - relax... you're still gonna get your happy ending!

One last thought on expectations... If you feel uptight about paying some anonymous woman to jerk you off - don't. Believe me, it's a job just like any other. I have a schedule, I get a paycheck, I pay taxes, I hate my boss, and I joke around with my coworkers just like everyone else. Do you look down on the woman who cuts your hair? Do you feel sorry for the guy who empties your garbage can? No - because they're just doing their jobs. It's the same thing with an erotic masseuse. I'm paid to do a very specialized task that not everyone can do.

So just lay back, relax and trust me. I'm a professional and I'm very good at my job.


Now go on out there guys and good luck! Let me know how your Thanksgiving vacations go. And I'll bet that your family will be wondering over their turkey dinner why you're in such a good mood this year.

CJ

Indecent Proposal - Update

I just wanted to give you guys a quck update on what's going on with Sugar Daddy Pete (SDP).
I am kinda surprised at the amount of comments I got over this one. But what really surprised me is how supportive most of you are for me to actually fuck him for money. Honestly, I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted by that!!!

It's funny, a couple years ago there would never have even been a debate over this. I was younger, I was rolling in cash, and Sugar Daddies were a dime a dozen. Today business sucks, I know I'm getting older, and I'm lucky to have a customer who tips extra. Ugh.

Well, I bring all this up because SDP called me today and we have a "date" for Friday (my day off). And since all your advice was rattling around my head all weekend, I actually told him up front that he's not getting laid. That's right... I said it straight up. I know how the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationship works, and I'm not going to let him set the rules. He seemed OK with it over the phone.

Now here is the part where I confess what really happened.

When I had him on the phone he kinda hinted at getting a room on Friday, and that's when I gave him my I Don't Roll Like That speech. However, I was really nervous after I laid down the law, so I followed it up with something wishy-washy like "I need to get to know you first..." In other words, it totally sounds like I'm leaving the door open.

I never realized that negotiating for no sex could be so hard!

CJ

Indecent Proposal

What an awful weekend... I had to work all weekend and made no money, I had the WORST blind date ever (more on that later), I saw my ex with his new girlfriend, AND my car is crapping out.

This is the weekend that Sugar Daddy Pete (SDP) decided to drop on by. Talk about being down and out! If there was a scale to measure desperation, I think I was about a 9.5 by Sunday afternoon when SDP showed up unexpectedly.

He gave me a song and dance about how he "lost" my number, blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. Even though I've been considering him as a potential Sugar Daddy, I gave him some attitude about it. Luckily he was OK with it and took me in session anyway.

I'm starting to get a better read on him. By his behavior I can tell that he's done the massage parlor thing before. He's very polite and knows exactly what to ask for and how to ask it (I think I'm going to do a post on massage parlor etiquette next for all you newbies out there). There was nothing unusual about our session. He took the hour with a mutual massage. I offered him a double, but he politely declined. Then we started talking.

Work has been keeping SDP busy, and that's why he hasn't been around lately, etc. etc. I think if you replace the word "work" with the word "wife" it better explains things - but that's just me thinking out loud! Anyway, he said that his vacation house is almost finished and was wondering if I'd like to see it... SOON.

Uh... wow. Like that isn't an obvious move on his part. There's nothing new about a rich guy asking to see me outside of work. What's not new is that I said yes. Fuck - I didn't even hesitate!!!!! That's the frame of mind I was in at the end of last weekend - desperate enough to agree to anything.

Now before any of you start writing hate mail calling me a whore, keep in mind that nothing's happened yet. The problem here is that whenever you agree to see a customer outside of work, there's always expectations... Is it a friendly thing? Is he expecting sex? Is he expecting a (sigh) date? He knows I'm not full service so I took this moment to kinda remind him ("kinda" being the operative word here). I think my exact words were, "Sure, I'd love to see the house."

OK, I lied. But I thought long and hard about whether to tell the truth to all you guys on the internet. Ugh. I'm not a whore if I haven't done anything whorey (whore-ish?) yet - right? He said it'll be the house, then dinner. That sounds innocent enough I guess.

It's time's like this that I really appreciate the upfront guys who just ask directly if I'll fuck them for money. At least it's honest and there's no pretense. You never have to ask yourself "What did he really mean by that?" Those guys I can handle with a simple "fuck no" and everything is back to normal and there's no hard feelings. But now I've set myself up in one of those vague situations that I'm sure I'm going to regret (and write about) later on.

That's one of the weird things about working in a massage parlor. Where else is the phrase "Could you suck my dick?" considered shop talk?

Our session ended quite nicely. And by "nicely" I mean I was handed a big wad of cash. Counting it after he left distracted me from my dilemma for about 10 minutes. Then I was on the phone asking Trina what the hell I should do.

"I'd fuck him."

Thanks Trina... you're not much help.

CJ

Happy Birthday To Me!

Hey Guys!

Today's my birthday, so please forward flowers and gift certificates for Tiffany's to:

CJ
c/o The Business
Reading, PA

For my b-day, Audrey got us tickets to see the Nutcracker in Philadelphia in December. I know that sounds totally corny, but I just love that kind of holiday stuff! And while I'm in Philly, I'll burn up all those gift certificates I know I'm going to get flooded with.

I ended up working on my b-day, but that's what happens when you don't have a boyfriend. The Brad Pitt clone wanted to take me out, but he's been such a pain in the ass ever since he discovered I've been doing the online dating thing. I worked with Trina today, so when she showed up she had this giant bouquet of flowers for me, plus a bag of presents. Then she took me out to lunch.

I even got gifts from customers today! Sugar Daddy Brad (SDB) had balloons delivered to The Business, and 1 of my Regulars stopped by with some DVDs and a really cool card. Another Regular just tipped me an extra $100 at the end of the session (I think he felt guilty for not getting a card).

Tonight - cake and ice cream at mom's!

CJ

Politics and Hand Jobs Make Strange Bedfellows

Happy Election Day! Now go out there and vote... I just did. I'm working nightshift today, so I got to avoid most of the lines.

Now if there's one thing I've learned about what NOT to talk about in session, it's politics and sports. Those are the 2 biggest taboo topics I have. You'd think that religion would be another one, but for some reason I've discovered that guys just don't bring up religion while enjoying an erotic massage. Not even the preachers!!!! Anyway, I don't bring up politics or sports in session because those are the only 2 topics that will actually lose you a customer.

For example...

I am NOT a Philly's fan. I know that sounds funny considering we're basically a suburb of Philly, but I have always been and will always be a Red Sox fan (even now I can see a lot of you guys out there turning off your computers in disgust after reading this). You wanna know how difficult it is to root for the Sox when you live amongst Philly fans? I've almost gotten into fist fights with MEN for wearing for my Red Sox stuff to local sports bars. And I've actually lost customers for talking about it. Trina is a big Philly's fan, so she's picked up the guys who refuse to see me anymore.

The same goes for politics. I'm not going to mention who I voted for because I figure the rest of you who stayed after hearing I'm a Sox fan will probably leave if I say that. What I do now when a customer brings it up is usually just agree with whatever he says, or just bite my tongue (which is really hard for a big mouth like me).

You see, when you're paid to entertain a client for up to an hour, you learn to be an expert in almost any topic. The massage and The Girls, can only distract a customer so much... eventually you gotta say something. So I can talk about most anything for a little while, but when politics come up I'll try to steer the conversation to something else. And let me tell you - A LOT of you guys have been obsessed with the election for the last month. So whenever I didn't agree with the politics of a customer, I'd try to distract him (and in the worst case I even hurried a session). If I did agree with a client, it wasn't any better because I'd usually end up talking his ear off to the point where I'd forget about the time and end up rushing the happy ending.

In other words, mixing politics and erotic massage is a lose/lose for all.

You wanna know what makes a great topic of conversation? The weather. I'm obsessed with the weather channel. I've been known to actually prolong the happy ending when the customer doesn't mind me chatting away about the temperature and cold fronts and precipitation.

CJ

The "Extras"

You're not gonna believe this one... I was working with Rose the other night - just chilling in the back office watching some gory documentary about the Detroit ER room on the Discovery Channel - when I hear the pitter-patter of naked feet coming down the hall.

There was Rose, wrapped only in a towel. I know she's a newbie, but now what?

"Uh CJ... I got a really weird question for you."

I sent Rose into session about a half hour ago with a Regular I trust, so she must have been almost finished. She's obviously not upset, so I assume nothing is wrong. So by a "weird" question for me, I guess she means she just got a weird question herself. "What's wrong Rose?" I ask in a why are you interrupting my favorite show tone of voice.

"That guy you gave me... Well, he asked me to do something really weird, and I wasn't sure if it was allowed or not." She looked down at her feet. "I mean, normally I would have just said 'no' but he offered me like A LOT of cash to do it." Now she looked up at me all embarrased. "I just wanted to see what you'd do" she asked hopefully.

Wow. A moral dilemma that she actually wants my help with? I feel so wise all of a sudden. I'm wondering what it is since she's already performed a few "extras" including a Double and nipple play. "What... Did Ronnie ask you to blow him? He knows the rules, so if he did I'll throw his ass out right now." I was serious! I don't need this shit - at least not on my shift.

"No, it was nothing like that. We were like right at the ending when I asked him to relax and close his eyes just like you told me to do. That's when he asks if I'd mind doing a 'thigh release.' I was like 'What is that?' and he was like 'Get on all fours and I slide it in between your legs.' And I was like 'uhhhhhh... I don't think so!' And he was like 'I'll pay you $200.' And that was when I decided to come ask you."

Talking to Rose is like pulling teeth. I hope I captured some of that here. Anyway, I told her it was fine if she's comfortable with it, and no - it's not sex if he slides it in between her thighs. Actually I was feeling a bit put off since Good Old Ronnie hasn't asked me for a thigh release in ages.

When they were done, I sat Rose down and explained the "birds and bees" of the extras. Girls wandering the hallways in towels to ask me questions isn't good for business. So here is a beginners guide to "Extras" or the variations to the happy ending. And remember - anything above and beyond the hand release costs ya extra.

Breast Release
Basically titty fucking. My technique involves the guy lubing up his own dick while he sits on the edge of the table. Then I lean over him while cupping The Girls with my hands. Since my hands are dry, I can control them better while I work them up and down over his shaft. A variation of this involves me lying on my back, or in a chair, while the guy stands or leans over me. In this position, he does all the work. I prefer the one where he lies down since I won't end up with a load of semen in my hair.

Butt Release
Here the guy's dick is rubbed in between the ass cheeks. I've also heard this called an 'Italian' I think. Anyway, the first time I was asked about this, I was a tender young newbie. Hell, I thought he wanted anal until he explained it to me. My very first reaction to this concept was "Ewwwwwwwwww... won't you get shit all over it?" The wad of cash he showed me convinced me it was quite sanitary and perfectly normal. The guy usually finishes on the ass or back.

Thigh Release
While bent over and legs together, the guy humps in between the thighs from behind. A variation I'll do is me on my back while he lies on top and pretends like we're fucking. Needless to say, the 2nd variation I will only do with guys I'm really comfortable with. Good breath helps too. In this position, he'll usually finish on my stomach or breasts.

Dog Humper
The guy basically dry humps the lower leg. Also called 'leg humping.' Usually ends with the guy finishing on your calf or foot. Another variation is the guy humping the back of the thigh. Guys especially like this when you have a nice muscular back where you can see the dimples on either side of the coccyx (yes, I'm rather proud of my backside). In this case the guy almost always insists on finishing on my back.

Foot Release
Self explanatory. Stick it in between the feet and hump away. I get a LOT of these. I normally charge an extra $80 just for the release, or $120 if they want to finish on my feet. Some guys will bring in pantyhose or thigh highs for me to wear (or in some cases, to tie around their pricks). Lingerie MUST be new with the tags, and I charge an extra $100 for wearing outfits.

Probably the weirdest one of these I got was a guy who brought pantyhose - but not for me to wear. He stuck them in his mouth while we did a standard foot release. When he finally came, I thought he was going to choke to death! And in case you were wondering, I didn't charge him extra for bringing lingerie.

Prostate Massage
In this extreme technique, you stick a finger up the guys ass and massage his prostate while jerking him off. I DO NOT DO THIS NOR WILL I EVER. But girls I've known who provide this can make mucho $$$. They wear rubber gloves and lube their finger up really good. Personally, that's just something I can do without.

However, when a customer brings in other assorted devices or paraphenilia to simulate my finger - then we'll talk! LOL Heck - I can do a whole talk just on strap-ons alone!

Hope this clears a few things up with you guys. Any questions?

CJ

Another Day In Paradise

I got a request a little while ago to talk about a typical day. Well, it's not like I get a Freak of the Week all that often, so an average day is rather boring. But you asked for it, so here ya go.

The Business opens at 11. I usually leave early for work in case I need to buy cigs or breakfast. I pull into the parking lot around 10:45 and take a quick peek around the front to see if there's anyone waiting. I HATE it when customers are camped out. The first thing I do in the door is check the thermostat since Audrey almost always forgets to check it before she leaves in the evening. Next, I turn on all the oil bottle warmers in each room and do a quick check to make sure the place is clean (we're supposed to vacuum and prep the rooms every night).

Then I check the answering machine... It's such a crapshoot what kinda messages you're gonna get. There are a lot of hang ups. Sometimes they're weirdos, but usually it's just a couple requests for appointments. While I'm at the front desk, I'll check the log for yesterday and see how business was.

If no one's waiting for a session, then I get to settle down in the office and start catching up on my stories. When you're stuck at work with hours between appointments, a girls best friends are the soaps, the Lifetime Channel, and the Discover Channel. I've watched so many shows on delivering babies that I could probably do it all by myself (hint - you really DON'T need to boil water).

Then the calls start...

"Uh yeah, I was wondering if Audrey's there"
"Do you guys have a girl working there named Fantasia?"
"Is this one of the THOSE places...?"
"What do you look like?"
"How much for just a blowjob?"
"Hi CJ! I'd like to make an appointment for 2:00"
FINALLY... something to look forward to. I average about 1 appointment per day, but more than likely I'll get a couple of walk ins. Half the time they're truckers...I love those guys. They're usually just 30 minutes, but they tend to tip well. Truckers know the proper massage parlor etiquette, and if it's payday I can usually count on a sweet tip. Plus, they always have the BEST stories!
I try to squeeze in lunch around 1-ish when business slows. Most guys who make appointments are Regulars so I'm actually looking forward to my 2pm. If I'm lucky, it's one of the nicer guys who always takes a mutual. That's my favorite kind of session because I can just relax and enjoy some decent company and a massage of my own.
I'll take the customer in the room and tell him to get comfortable. If I'm working by myself, I'll put the "Back in .... minutes" sign up and lock the front door. When I'm not alone, I'll just let the other girl know she has the phone and the desk. If the guys a Regular, I'll usually just assume which option he wants and undress accordingly. If he's a double, I'll immediately give him a hand release, so he'll have plenty of time to recover for the one later on. I like giving doubles because it calms the guy down and make him mellow for the rest of the session (and I get to pocket some extra $$$$).

During mutuals I prefer to go first. That way MY part of the massage isn't rushed! I know that sounds a little selfish but I figure he's paying to massage me so why should I disappoint him? Anyway, if he's not paying attention to the clock, I'll remind him that it's his turn within the last 10 or 15 minutes. I'll start the massage on my belly and have him work my shoulders and upper back. If he's any good at it, I'll let him work me hard since my shoulders almost always need it. I don't care much for lower back or legs, so I'll usually just have him work quickly towards my feet. If he's willing to do feet, I will let him go to town! I love foot massages so much that I've actually bartered extras and options with customers I know give good foot.
Then I'll flip over and let him work my legs a bit, but you, me, and everyone else out there knows that once I'm on my back, attention turns to The Girls. As long as I'm not PMSing and they don't ache, I'll let the customer take his time (as long as he's being gentle) with them. Since it's called a mutual "massage," that's all he's allowed to do. Nipple play costs extra, and I have to really trust you first.

When the session is over, the session is over. I almost NEVER go over time because phones need to be answered, customers could be waiting, or Audrey could be standing outside the door wondering why it's been an hour when the guy only paid for 45 minutes. So I tend to be very punctual about delivering that happy ending. My standing rule for the happy ending is 5 minutes, then you're on your own. If the customer is cool enough, I'll often end up hanging out with him afterward so we can bullshit or smoke a cigarette. If he's a good friend, we might hang out in the office or go grab something to eat.

With the appointment over and the day shift coming to an end, I'll make sure my room is clean and the oil bottles are full before the turnover at 5:00. Apart from that there's not much else I need to do other than pass on any messages or appointments. When Trina and I are doing turnover, we always hang out extra so we can catch up on gossip. When it's with Audrey, we try to get the fuck outta there. When Audrey is working nights, she has this horrible habit of coming in an hour or two early to "work the desk" when in reality she's trying to take appointments and walk-ins away from us. Bitch.
And that's a regular day in the life of an Erotic Massage Therapist. Is it as glamorous as you would have guessed? LOL

CJ

Crappy Day

I knew I was going to have a bad morning when I was greeted at work with this answering machine message:

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP........This is a message for Audrey. I think I got a rash on my balls. Thank you - you dirty whore. You fucking slut! You make me sick....... BEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

I shoulda stayed home.

Anyways, in case you were wondering, my schedule has been totally turned upside down. That's why I haven't been writing as often as I used to. Since we hired Rose everyone decided it was time to take their vacations and divide up all the remaining shifts. So now I'm on a totally different routine and working shifts that were traditionally Audreys or Trinas.

It totally sucks.

First off, all my Regulars have been thrown off too. Guys have been showing up and Audrey is the first one to try to steal them... "Oh CJ's not here... why don't you let me take care of you?" At least Trina tells them the truth so they can reschedule with me. I've also been going through my phone list and trying to let everyone know my hours have changed. Blah.

Second, I'm now getting all of Audreys customers! Now you're probably thinking that it's only fair that I try to steal her customers. BUT - the difference is that I don't WANT any of her assholes. Remember that Audrey is kinda full-service (Semi-service? Quasi-service? Three Quarters - service?), so half these guys expect to finger me while the other half expect blow jobs. And ALL of them don't expect to pay full price!

So there I was... 2nd customer of the day, and it's one of Audreys Regulars. I had never had him before, so I reluctantly took him in session. Luckily he only wanted 30 minutes. But as soon as I get him in the room, I get this shit...

"Audrey only charges me $50 for a topless."

Fuck. Why do they always start with me? Since he's Audrey's Regular, I'm not supposed to turn him away, but I don't have to take his shit. Since I'm such a caring, giving person, I compromise. "That's fine. But you get a choice, either topless and no happy ending, or happy ending and keep the sweatshirt."

"You can't do that! I paid for that handjob!"

I looked at him calmly. I've heard this argument a hundred times before. "No, you didn't pay for a handjob - that would be prostitution. You paid for a massage. And it's up to me to do the end part, but only if I want to. And you know what? I don't want to." And with that I turned around and walked out of the room.

"I'll tell Audrey about this!" I heard behind me.

If I had a dollar for each time somebody said that to me, I'd be able to retire.

CJ

Massage 101

I got an interesting question the other day about whether I taught any "alternate" options to my new student Rose. By alternate, he meant things like breast releases, facials, etc. Well I usually leave that kinda stuff up to the girl. Either you know how to do "alternate" stuff already, or a helpful customer will be more than willing to teach you.

For example, I didn't know what a "Breast Release" was when I first started until a customer explained that it's the same as titty-fucking. And the good old "Butt Release" I learned from a customer who was more than eager to show me. Facials I knew about from porn movies, as well as two-handed handjobs. In fact, when I first realized there was more to hand jobs than the standard up, down repeat, I went out of my way to learn as many as possible.

Yesterday, Trina and I had a fun talk about the learning curve. "They certainly didn't teach us THAT in massage school!" was our joke of the day. So we came up with this curriculum for the Trina/CJ University for Advanced Erotic Massage Studies (and we thought our 3 semesters of community college were a waste!):

101: Basic Girlfriend Massage
102: Introduction to Hand Release
130: G-Strings Through the Ages

201: Therapeutic Massage
202: Advanced Hand Release
275: Just Say No: A Beginners Guide To Not Having Sex For Money

310: Massage Oils and Powders
311: Interior Design: How Not To Look Like a Brothel
350: How To Read A Clock for Dummies

402: Advanced Release Techniques: Breast, Butt, Thigh and Beyond
493: Accounting

And of course for the more serious students, there's always Erotic Massage Grad School:

501: Roll Playing
513: Introduction to Foot Worship
538: Advanced Lingerie
539: Advanced Lingerie Laboratory: Trip To Fredricks of Hollywood

601: Basics of Ball Busting
635: Psychosexual Ramifications of the Sugar Daddy - Sugar Baby Dynamic
665: How to Plan a 401K for Sex Workers

Of course, the only reason to go to grad school is if you plan on going into teaching. Can you imagine what the textbooks would look like? Old copies of Hustler magazine! LOL

The Trina/CJ University for Advanced Erotic Massage Studies is currently accepting applications. Look for our TV ad on the Lifetime channel immediately after the one for USA Trucking School, and right before the one for "How to Make Money From Home!"

CJ

The Trainee

Hey Guys!

Sorry it's been a while, but things have been busy here. Remember that we're looking for a new sucker... uh, I mean employee? Well, it looks like I may have found someone desperate enough to join us. She's an old friend of mine we'll call Rose. She's a friend of my family and I've known her since I was a kid.

Rose is in her late 30's, slim build, dark brown hair, and that olive colored skin that makes everyone think she's hispanic when she's really italian. She's led a fairly normal life up until now, but I guess she just needed a job. In fact, she was the one who actually asked me if we were hiring!

Now let me explain a little bit about my friends and family. Everyone knows that I'm a masseuse and that I give massages for a living. Family members think I still work in a Day Spa and rub down rich old ladies all day. Most of my friends know I work in a massage parlor, but don't know anything about parlors beyond the rumors and heresay. Rose was no exception.

She kinda had a vague idea of what I did for a living, so I had to question her just to make sure we were on the same page before I did anything to her that would require extensive psychiatric therapy to correct. Apparently she thought that I gave topless massages. I explained to her that she was mostly right, but... "Do you know about the end part?" She looked at me funny so I explained the Happy Ending to her. Luckily her funny expression didn't change any, so I took that as a good sign that she's not scared off yet. As a rule I don't like to explain the intimate details of my job to friends. If they all think I just give topless massages, that's just fine by me.

So I brought Rose along on my next day shift. Now if you guys remember, I had a slightly negative experience at my first day in a massage parlor. Needless to say, I would never do that to a new person, so over the years I've developed my own training routine. I called a Regular of mine, Danny, and asked him if he was interested in breaking in a trainee. He's done it for me before, so I know he's patient.

Danny showed up as scheduled and I demonstrated to Rose how we book in customers. I led him to the room and gave him the whole talk for Rose's benefit. I told him to make himself comfortable and we'd be back in a few minutes. I explained to Rose that this gives the customer time to disrobe while we finish booking him.

A couple minutes later we came back in the room. As I was about to explain our options, I noticed that Rose was already taking her shirt off. "Whoa there! That's next. First you have to ask the customer what option he wants."

"Sorry" she said in mid button.

We went over the options and the pricing. Danny picked a topless. If this were a Double, I would have released The Girls too, but Danny's not a big spender. Besides, I'm wearing my training hat today and my lessons may not be quite as effective when some guys mouth is wrapped around my left nipple. I find professional detachment best in these scenarios.

I've done doubles before, and let me tell ya - they're great. All the money for only half the work. Usually we'll both massage the customer at the same time. Then when it comes time for the happy ending, one person usually does the hand release while the other massages the guys chest or legs. Another variation of the double is where one of us acts as the "fluffer." That's the sweetest deal of all since one person has to do all the massage work while the fluffer just looks cute and teases the guy. I've even had a few doubles at other Businesses where the fluffer actually blew the guy (while I did all the work!). When I get a chance to fluff, I'll usually switch between playing with the guys cock and letting him play with the Girls.

"Now you can take your shirt off." Rose quickly complied. I'd say she was a B cup, but they were still perky considering her age and the 2 kids. Danny didn't complain. The licensed massage therapist in me demonstrated some basic massage techniques first, before I let her try it. I worked my way down his back, then let her take over. Her performance was somewhere between textbook and girlfriend quality.

We kept trading off body parts - the first minute by me, then the next couple of minutes by Rose. Eventually we had him flip, but by then his time was coming to an end. Since we were outta time, I told her how to transition from massage to hand release, including The Speech: "If there are any additional parts of your body you would like massaged, please indicate so by placing her hand there." Dan moved Rose's hand to his crotch.

"All right. Tell the customer to lay back, close his eyes and relax. Put back the massage oil and pick up the blue one with the baby oil."

At this point I went hands-off and turned it over to her. Hey - a handjob is a handjob, and damn if I'm going to share my double-handed criss-cross technique. Rose seemed a little hesitant and even squinted her eyes as she oiled up his dick (she had made the novice mistake of pouring baby oil directly onto his dick instead of applying it to her hand first). "CJ... would you believe I've never given a hand job using oil before?"

Uh yeah - I'd believe it.

Danny finally spoke up. "Hey CJ, how about me seeing your tits?" he asked hopefully.

"First off Danny, they're called breasts and not tits. And second, you're paying for my students services, not mine." He looked back like I hurt his feelings with this, so I said "Oh all right," and playfully pulled my shirt up just enough to reveal my bra. The customer is always right - especially if it'll help him finish quickly.

Rose was applying the standard one-handed jerk and tug. Not imaginative, but it gets the job done. Anyway, after a minute or two Danny gave a courtesy "I'm gonna cum...!" (remember, this is a professional training session). I guess this kinda panicked Rose cause she stopped sort of mid jerk as the semen started to leak out (Danny's a dribbler, not a shooter). I told her to keep going, but much slower until he quiets down. Then I grabbed a towel and told her to clean him up with a bit of water and soap.

I took my cue then to leave the room and let her collect the money. She had earned it. A few minutes later, Rose emerges from the room beaming from ear to ear. "I don't believe I just did that! This is the easiest money I've ever made. CJ, you have it so easy!"

If she only knew.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The EMT

This is not my story, but I just had to tell you anyway. As you know, I try to share the stories of particularly interesting customers. I will confess that ever since I started this blog thing, I try to pay a little bit more attention to what my customers do and say. Well, I hit gold yesterday.

I got a new customer who’s an EMT. And no, he wasn’t on the clock when he stopped by. Anyway, we started talking during session and eventually we started swapping stories of some of our more bizarre work experiences.

Believe it or not, he won.

He started telling me this time he had to respond to a single car accident where the guy was already dead. I guess in these cases, you don’t have to drive quite as fast with the sirens blaring.
So he shows up at the scene and sees where a car had gone off the road and into the trees. He gets out of his ambulance and approaches 2 police officers. Now before he can ask “What happened?” these 2 guys are laughing and stop just long enough to point and say “He’s over there.” Now he’s really confused, but just goes and grabs his gear and starts walking towards the wreck.

As he gets closer to the car, he starts to hear a buzzing noise. At first he thinks it’s odd that the officers would just leave the car running, but then he realizes it’s not a car engine he’s hearing. So he slows down and sort of creeps up to the car as he tries to figure out where the noise is coming from.

But as he gets close enough to see the driver, he forgets about the buzzing noise because something is not right. Now this guy, as an EMT, has seen plenty of dead and mangled bodies. But this one looked different. At first glance, all he saw was a mass of yellow mixed with red. The source of the red was obvious, but the yellow must have been a sweatshirt hood or something because the victim was all in yellow…

… That’s an odd sweatshirt. It’s made of all yellow… feathers? He looked in the front seat and the poor victim was NOT wearing a sweatshirt. He was wearing from head to toe (…drum roll please…) a complete chicken suit. So there he was, some poor guy slumped over his steering wheel (or embedded into it), dressed from head to toe as a chicken.

When he snapped out of his surprise, he once again noticed the buzzing noise. It was coming from the back seat. He moved over to get a better look. According to Mr. EMT, what he saw was an open suitcase. Well, this suitcase wasn’t an ordinary suitcase. Apparently it had been packed full of dildos, most of which were now scattered all over the backseat of the car. Some buzzing and bouncing – some not.

My mouth had hit the floor with this story. When I asked him what his reaction when he saw this, he said (and I shit you not), “Damn – those are pretty good batteries.”

And I thought I worked with weirdos.

CJ

Newbies

Things are picking up again here at work, so we might actually bring in a new girl. Not like we’ve actively looked for one since Rachel left. Things got slow enough during the summer that we were able to manage all the shifts between the 3 of us.

But weird enough, fall is a busy season. Go figure. October tends to be a great month, and it peaks with the Mother of All Massage Weekends – Thanksgiving. I am not shitting you. We usually make more Thanksgiving week than any other single week of the year. I think it’s for 2 reasons. First, you get that heavy holiday travel, and second, everyone’s wallets haven’t been emptied by Christmas shopping yet.

I’ve heard a hundred variations of this story from first time customers over the years…

You get on the road to Grandma’s house for the annual turkey and family fistfight, when you start fantasizing about some stress relief at the hands of an able-bodied masseuse. Then you see that big friendly sign beckoning you to the warmth and comfort of The Business at the next highway exit. You figure you could use a break, maybe get some gas, hit the bathroom. Without thinking, you find yourself making that turn, just to “take a peek.”

You pass the first gas station since it’s always pricier next to the highway. You’re sure the next one is cheaper. Before you know it, you’ve gone a little further than you expected but now that you’ve gone this far you may as well drive by. Then you see our big neon “Open” sign, and it pulls you in like a moth to a flame. Heck – you may as well stop in and check it out. You tell yourself that you can always just walk out if it’s not your thing.

You park the car in the far end of the parking lot, as if you’re going to the insurance agent (the newbies always do). Then you make what we affectionately call the “Walk of Shame.” It’s the path from the far end of the lot to our door in the back of the building that passes by every other business here. As you’re walking, you check your wallet and wonder if it’ll be enough and if we don't take credit cards.

Then before you know it, you’re in front of The Business. At this point you’re probably too nervous to even notice the very tasteful red drapes in the window. Audrey spent a lot to time picking those out. You begin to wonder, what the heck am I doing here? Is this really one of THOSE places? How does this even work? Am I supposed to… BEEEEEEEP… BEEEEEEEP.

“Uh, hello Nana!... Yes, I’m on the road… No, I just stopped to get gas… No, I’m running about – ummmm - an hour late I’d say… Yes, I’ll pick up some cranberry sauce… Is Betty there yet?... No, I’ll call her later… Yes, I’ll drive carefully…Buh-bye.”

Now your heart is pounding. You just bought yourself an hour, so you might as well try it. Just by looking through the door, you can’t see behind the desk – damn! You turn your cell phone off before you push the door open and walk in. The place smells faintly of flowers, thanks to an aromatherapy candle on the coffee table. You look around and realize it’s a lot cleaner and more pleasant than you thought it would be.

“Hello Sir, can I help you?”

You turn around and you see a very pretty blonde girl sitting behind a desk. She’s wearing a form-fitting white polo shirt with a beaded necklace. Her dirty blonde hair has that sort of Just-Rolled-Out-Of-Bed look that you can only get with lots of vitamins and an incredibly over-priced stylist. She smiles at you in such a way that reminds you of your last girlfriend’s super-hot sister.

“Uh, yes please. I think I’d like a massage.” And so begins the high point of your Thanksgiving Day weekend.

And if you come back a 2nd time, we’ll tell you how to park behind the building.

CJ

Why I'm Here

I only really discovered the internet about 2 years ago. My last Sugar Daddy got me a laptop computer for Christmas, and I had no idea what to do with it. So it kinda sat there for a while, untouched, until I got an iPod. Then I went crazy. Once I figured out how to use it for music, I started to finally play around on the internet.

At first I started to look for anything regarding myself . That’s when I first saw a “review” of the Business in one of those adult chat rooms about massage parlors. Let me tell ya, when I first saw my name on that screen I freaked! There it was for the whole world to see – a description of some guys session with me. Thank Gawd he didn’t know my full name or I probably would have had a heart attack.

After I had calmed down a little bit, I realized that he didn’t say anything particularly bad. It was just a quick description of where we were and how much we charged. All he said about me was that I was “cool”, had “fabulous” breasts, and I wasn’t full service.

But this got me thinking… What if he had written something bad? What if he had lied and said we were full-service? What if he were a stalker and started posting all sorts of personal stuff about me and my co-workers? This type of thinking only made me panic all over again. I tried to figure out how I could erase this stuff and realized I couldn’t.

Now Trina and I have always said that one of the most frustrating things about our job is that the only people you can talk to about work are co-workers. Anytime you want to bitch about a customer, or tell a funny story – you can’t. It’s 8 hours of my day that I can’t just share with anyone whenever I feel like it. Shit, even if you’re a rocket scientist you can still bitch about work to a stranger – they may not understand a word of it, but at least you can do it.

We can’t do that unless it’s to each other! Can you imagine what that feels like? So Trina and I used to talk about how great it would be if we could tell some of these wacky stories of ours to anyone without being judged. Then one day when I was swapping stories with a customer, he said I should talk about these in a “blog.” I said what the hell is that, and he said that people write all sorts of shit on the internet and they’re called blogs.

Well, I told my techno-nerd Velma to go get me a “Blog.” Then last December Velma set me up here on this site and told me to go to town. And the rest is history.

At first I didn’t know what to write about, so I just talked about my day. Heck – I only had 2 other people to impress. Then I thought it might be interesting to talk about not just what I do, but how things work in a Business. And then there was Trina to remind me of some of the really whacked customers we’ve had in the past. And lastly, I wanted to remember my time with Cindy back when business was wild and life was crazy.

And that was it. I just started to have a fun time talking about all this stuff (in some cases, for the first time in years). And I liked getting positive comments from people out there who seemed to enjoy it. Then I started reading other peoples blogs, and in some cases some fellow masseuses with similar stories. And let me tell ya, it felt kinda good to be able to throw some stuff out there and get some feedback from people who are not in the Business.

Then I read some stuff that really began to piss me off.

So here I am, just doing my thing when I discover that I’m labeled as a “sex blog.” You mean I’m actually lumped in together with guys who write to Penthouse Forum? Let me tell you something – I find it hard enough to use the term “sex worker” – now I’m just a sex blogger?

Then to make things worse, I read somebody saying that sex blogs are “…all the same…” which really really really hurt my feelings. What the fuck??? At first, I was this sort of society outcast that had to keep half my life secret from the other half. Then when I finally decide to speak up for myself and say “Hey – these things really happened to me” some stupid fuck labels me and says I’m the same as everybody else who “confesses” anything.

Well ya know what? Fuck you. Until you’ve jerked off 30 guys in 1 day, or been thrown against a wall by a 300 pound customer, or had $1,000 taken from your purse by a coworker, or been told by your boss to suck his cock to keep your job, you really aren’t in a position to say I’m the same as anybody else. In fact, you really aren’t in a position to judge anything about me.

Now talking about this is really hard for me since I’ve said before that I don’t like getting personal on this thing. So if no one minds, I’d like to get back to the fun stuff that I like talking about.

Enough said.

CJ

Retirement

I don’t know about you guys, but one of the blogs I like to read (other than my Girl Slutty McWhore) is Confessions of a College Callgirl. Try it – what she did I can only dream of doing. But if you’re not an avid reader of hers, she just announced that she wants to retire her blog. She said that after a certain point there’s only so much you can write about sex and hooking.

Well I support her decision to give it up, but at the same time it makes me think that if she finally got burnt out, well what about me? After reading her touching farewell, I realized that I couldn’t just go home after another grueling day at work and tell a goofy story about some perv who wanted to be spanked with a pool cue while I call him “daddy.” It all felt just kinda meaningless after reading that.

Not that I won’t tell that story later. It’s just that I spent some time thinking about what I’m doing with my life and where this entire mess is actually going. Yes, I’d like to move on to some line of work that’s a little bit more meaningful (and clothed). Maybe find some guy who’s relatively normal who doesn’t mind a girl with limited career potential, and settle down. And like College Callgirl, I’d like to eventually walk away from all these stories and at least be able to say that it really happened, people believed me, and maybe someone learned a few things and had a laugh along the way.

But in the meanwhile I guess I’ll just keep chugging (or jerking?) along. I have to admit that I don’t fully understand what it’s like to be a hooker. I know that most people tend to lump us all together – escorts, streetwalkers, erotic masseuses, strippers, etc. – under the label of “Sex Worker.” But I can’t seem to relate to the burnout that hookers tend to go through. And that is probably a really really really good thing.

I know that I’m an erotic masseuse. I jerk guys off for a living, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I don’t have any problems admitting that. And I really don’t feel like any less of a person for doing it. I mean – someone’s gotta do it, right? And if not me, then it would probably be some drug addicted skank who doesn’t give a fuck about how your day at work went and just wants you to cum quickly so she can spend that $50 on her next fix. At least I know most of my customers on a personal level, and I know how to make their day a little brighter.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though College Callgirl may be gone, I’m still here. And I think I’m OK with that.

CJ

The Final Word on Andy

Since I started writing down all my weird stories, I have yet to figure out what you guys think. Take Andy for example… I never would have thought that his story would be so controversial. I mean I’ve told you guys stories about hookers and drug addicts and throwing bodies in dumpsters, but people had really strong opinions on what happened to Andy. The best I can figure is that the guys out there are relating to Andy as a fellow customer. Am I getting warm?

Anyway, Andy finally came back this week. I apologized to him once again and said I felt kinda like a jerk for ignoring him last time. He laughed and said it wasn’t really that big of a deal. Now I wasn’t sure if he was just being kind or whatever, and under different circumstances I would have just dropped it right there.

BUT

Since there has been so much interest in this topic, I decided to get to the bottom of this once and for all. I confessed to Andy that afterwards I felt guilty and wanted to find out if what I had done truly insulted him – so I told a few people what had happened (or maybe a few thousand on the internet, but who’s counting?). The opinions I got back were:

1) I was an asshole for treating a customer that way
2) Andy was a perv who obviously found the whole thing kinky
3) A combination of the 2.

Well, Andy had a good laugh at that. And he felt a little embarrassed that his incident got shared with a few people (Oh Gawd – if he only knew). Then he said for the record (and I quote), “To tell you the truth, I think it was a little of both. At first I thought you were being a little selfish when you wouldn’t put your phone down, but only because I look forward to catching up with you and your stories during the massage.”

“But then I started to pay attention to what you were saying on the phone, and I could kind of hear your sister on the other end. Well then I just closed my eyes and relaxed, and after a while I started to feel like a peeping Tom. And I have to admit – it felt kind of dirty but exciting at the same time. Does that make any sense?”

I nodded, but I didn’t want to explain that it took an anonymous reader on the internet to explain it to me.

Andy continued, “So by the time you began to jerk me off, I was already feeling like I was spying on two sisters have a private conversation. And I think it was the whole taboo feeling of it that I pretty much had no trouble cumming.”

There you have it guys – right from the horses mouth. And I tried to quote him as best I could remember. So I guess I can stop feeling guilty about that whole incident and get on with my life.

In fact, it kinda sounds like I may have found a new “option” I could charge for. So whadya think?

1) $50 for calling sister.
2) $60 for calling “boyfriend”
3) $70 for calling mom
4) $100 for calling your wife and pretending to be an “old friend”

CJ

Freak of the Week – The Porn Hound

I’ve been dying to tell ya about this guy for a week now. Remember when Sugar Daddy Pete showed up and turned my morals upside down? Well the latest Freak of the Week came in early that same day.

He was a normal looking guy… about 35, stringy hair, but dressed nicely. I’m sitting out front when he comes in and plops a giant stack of papers on the desk. My first thought was that he was selling something, so I was a little surprised when he said he wanted a session. Since he’s not selling anything, I ask what the papers are for. He says he has a ton of paperwork to do for work. But before I can ask if he plans on doing it in the middle of his massage, the front door opens again…

In walks a father and son.

My heart skipped a beat! Remember that previous Freak of the week that wanted to bring his kid in????? Well, I think I went pale when these 2 just walked in. I’m scared stiff that he’s the other freak, but luckily there’s another guy here in case he starts trouble. I stammered, “… uh… can I help you?”

Very gruffly he says, “Do you know if the mechanic is open?”

Now I’m feeling confused and relieved at the same time. “Huh?”

“The auto place across the street! Is he open or not?”

Since he’s NOT the father/son freak I’m no longer afraid, but just irritated. Jerks I know how to deal with. So I tell him I don’t work there, so I don’t know. But since I’m such a loving, giving, people person, I add that there’s another place down the road.

Whew!!!!! Now with him gone, I turn my attention back to the new guy. I’m asking him how long a session he wants when I notice the stack of papers again… only they’re not papers…they’re magazines. DIRTY magazines!!!

It took a deep breath and just said, “First room on the left. Make yourself comfortable.” He disappears into the room with the stack of porn.

Another day, another dollar I sigh to myself.

A few minutes later, I go in. He’s laying nude on his stomach and propped up on his elbows – reading one of his magazines. The rest are sitting in a neat stack on the corner of the table by his head. I tell him about our options and he asks for a G-string. I strip down, but he still can’t be bothered to put down the porn. So you know what I did?

Nothing. I just pretended everything was perfectly normal. Nothing to see here folks! I grabbed a bottle of oil from the warmer, lubed up my hands and started working on his shoulders. He stayed up on his elbows like a kid glued to a comic book. That position actually made my job a little bit easier since I had easy access to his shoulders. We chatted briefly about the weather as I worked down to his legs.

When I finish his calves I told him to flip (I don’t do feet). He rolled over and then tucked the pillow behind his back so he could sit up. He twisted slightly towards me – but not to gaze in admiration at the Girls. Oh no! Instead, he opens up a new magazine on the table next to him so he can keep reading.

At this point, he stops the chit-chat, so I just start working his lower legs in silence. Then I notice that he’s now working his dick with the right hand, while turning pages with the left. Since he’s not even looking at me or talking, I figure he’s ready for his own version of the happy ending. So instead of continuing the massage, I start lightly caressing his upper thighs… kinda trying to stay in synch with each jerk of his hand. I did this for a few minutes until he finally came all over his stomach.

I offered to clean him up, but he said to just hand him a towel and he’ll take care of it himself. So while we’re both cleaning ourselves up, I ask him what’s up with the magazines. He says that he’s been addicted to porn for several years now and can’t get off without its help. I said “you do realize I was gonna take care of that for you?” He said he did, and thanked me anyway.

Apparently he’s gotten to the point where he prefers to get himself off. When I asked him about how this affects his sex life, he said the porn consumes everything to the point where he no longer has one. It’s been years since he’s actually dated anyone, and in the meanwhile he just became more and more obsessed and dependent upon porn. I actually suggested he try a hooker to try to wean him off (no pun intended), but he said he was too afraid of diseases to go that route. Based on the hookers I know, I can’t blame him!

I felt pretty sorry for the guy after talking to him. When he asked me how much he owed, I knocked $20 off the tip and told him to let me take care of things next time. He confessed that he originally had second thoughts about coming in, but now thanked me for being patient and making him feel comfortable.

“Don’t thank me sir. It’s my job.”

CJ

Quick Update

With all the weirdness going on this week, I thought I'd just catch you guys up quickly on whats going on around here.


Remember the new girl we hired, Rachel? Well, it looks like she's history. Audrey would fire her personally, if she ever bothered to show up to work anymore. Oh well, back to interviewing again. Please feel free to send those resumes to:


Audrey
c/o The Business


Please include a short paragraph on why you hate yourself enough to work here, and a list of all the non-prescription drugs you are addicted to.


The other big thing going on in my life is that my boy-toy (Brad Pitt Clone) is no longer speaking to me. Apparently I kinda blabbed to him (while drunk) about how I have a profile on Match.com. This did not go over well (go figure). But the good news is that I think I have an internet blind date Saturday night. Keep your fingers crossed that he's not too weird.

And I ALMOST forgot... I finally heard from Andy!!! Remember him??? Anyway, he called and we patched things up. I promised to make it up to him and we're all cool now. He's coming in next week, so I'll probably give him a free double happy ending. With my luck, I'll probably be on the phone with my mom during Andy's massage this time. How kinky would that be? LOL


CJ

Winner of the slogan Contest!

The results are in! After taking a vote between myself, Trina and Velma - we agree that our favorite T-shirt slogan is:

"HappyEndingz: Big Tugz and Big Jugz" courtesy of Villageidiot.

The runners up were:

2nd place - Up. Down. Repeat as Necessary

3rd place - Making the World a Happier Place, One Dick at a Time!

Both courtesy of Jack. If this blog thing ever becomes famous, I promise to give you guys your own custom T-shirts. Velma came up with the picture of the winning T-shirt. Looks good, doesn't it? LOL

Thanks to everyone for your funny ideas.

The Return of Sugar Daddy Pete

Sorry I haven’t been around lately, but I’ve had a really weird and busy week. Remember Sugar Daddy Pete? He was last here 3 months ago, but he actually called and made an appointment with me on Monday. Heck – I almost forgot who he was when he called!

I had pretty much written him off, but let me tell ya – that didn’t stop the butterflies in my stomach from coming back. I don’t know what it is about him that just makes me so nervous. I mean, I’ve had rich customers before, so I don’t think it’s the money thing. And it’s not like he’s a dead ringer for George Clooney, so that ain’t it either. I don’t know, but when I figure it out I’ll tell ya.

So anyways, I booked him as my last customer of the day. And luckily I was working by myself so I didn’t have to worry about Audrey or the clock. In a way I was thankful because I had only made $80 that afternoon with 1 bizarre customer (but he MORE than made it up to me as my next “Freak of the Week” – I’ll tell ya later…). As the appointment approached, I actually booted out 2 walk-ins. Sorry guys, but I didn’t want to take the chance of being busy when Pete arrived. Rule #6 – Never let Customers see each other.

Pete ended up arriving a little late, but whatever. He gave me a hug, which was weird considering he’s not even a Regular yet. We chatted a bit while still standing out front. I learned that his nearby vacation house is almost done. His summer was busy with work. And his family is still driving him crazy. Same old shit basically. But, he added that the vacation house will give him lots of excuses to pass by in the coming months. I’ve heard that one before, so I pretended to be excited. So then he booked an hour, and I took him into session.

Now here’s the weird part. When we got in the room, I just started taking my clothes off. I didn’t even bother to ask him what option he wanted. I NEVER do that with a new customer – even a potential Sugar Daddy. It’s like I’m just assuming he’s in, or (even worse) I’ve become desperate enough to do anything to hook him. I know that taking my clothes off in front of a customer is what I do all day, but to me this lapse of judgment is a big deal.

I swear my brain was out the window. Luckily he didn’t even notice my lack of erotic massage etiquette, and just joined me in nakedness. Apart from my little breach of protocol, there was nothing unusual about the massage. But then, right when I finished with the hand release and he was just lying there moaning, I began to have this mini-panic attack! All I could think of was “Now what? Do I just see him out? Should I try to get a phone number?”

I think he noticed something weird in my expression and finally said “I’m sorry… am I keeping you late? I better take off.”

Shit! Am I blowing this? I was still having my mini-attack, so I just told him everything’s cool and he can just relax and let me clean him up. I toweled him off, but instead of throwing my clothes back on, I actually jumped up on the table and sat down next to him – nude. I looked him in the eye, smiled and asked “So when am I gonna see ya again?”

I don’t know if he thought I was propositioning him or just being friendly or what because he gave me a great big shit-eating grin. Fuck – at this point I wasn’t even sure what I was doing anymore. Then he says (and I quote), “I don’t know…maybe you’d like to see the new house?”

Now what the hell is that supposed to mean? Is he propositioning me or does he think I’m just a big fan of architecture? I don’t know! Suddenly I became painfully aware that we were two naked adults lying on a table in a dark room, after business hours and off the clock. I didn’t answer him, but just hopped off the table and started getting dressed. “Yeah, that would be fun… call me” was all I finally said. I couldn’t even look at him!

I swear to gawd – I never act this flaky with a customer. To him I must have looked like a schoolgirl with a crush, or a poorly trained prostitute.

Well anyway, he still left me a handsome tip. Then I gave him my phone number, and I noticed that he actually saved it on his cell. That’s a good sign, right? He promised to call me the next time he was going to see the house, and that he’d plan something “fun” for us. After he left, the only thing I could think of was what the fuck have I gotten myself into?

CJ

Slogan Contest!

Announcing the HappyEndingz first annual T-shirt slogan contest!

You guys gave me a few good ideas recently for some slogans for this blog thing of mine. Trina and I had a good laugh thinking up a few more, but let's see what you guys can come up with. Here's a few ideas to get you started...


I went to HappyEndingz and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

With T-shirt you get Happy Ending

HappyEndingz: Where Every Story Has A Happy Ending!

Wee-Tug-Yu: Asian Massage Parlor

HappyEndingz Massage - Satisfaction Guaranteed!

9 Brothers Pizza

Across the street is a place we call “9 Brothers Pizza.” We call it that since every guy who works there is related somehow. It’s real convenient for lunch, and the food is decent. But the problem with going there is that most of the girls give us an attitude whenever we come in.

Everyone there recognizes us and knows we work at The Business. It’s funny, when we eat there all the brothers will eventually flock to our table and chat. Most of the girls who work there just give us dirty looks from across the room. Luckily, some of the waitresses are friendly enough so that we can actually have a peaceful lunch every now and then.

I know what you’re all wondering and the answer is "No" – none of the brothers have ever been a customer. In fact, if any of them came in we’d probably offer them therapeutics only since it’s never good business to advertise TOO close to home. No, I think they’re all just too nervous to try our services.

Now the head cook I actually remember from high school. It’s almost impossible to have a meal over there without him wanting to come over and gossip about fellow classmates – and I am not one to shy away from gossip! I think he enjoys catching up on news, but I also think he enjoys making the other brothers jealous of the attention.

The women there are a whole different story.

I’m not sure exactly how many of them are “sisters.” What I do know is that some of those bitches have been downright rude to us, and on a few occasions wouldn't even seat us! There was this one time when a waitress absolutely refused to come to our table to take our order. I know that bitch was just hoping we’d take the hint and just leave, but I got up and called over my high school buddy from the kitchen. Then I proceeded to tear that bitch a new asshole in front of a room full of diners.

Now let me tell ya – that did the trick! Since then, whenever we come in they usually seat us in the corner of the smoking section (yes we all smoke – shoot us). That way we can have our own non-bitchy waitress, and all the brothers can pay their respects without causing a distraction to the other customers. Personally, I think the real reason they stick us in a corner is so we don’t distract any of the husbands/boyfriends in the main dining area (did ya ever see a husband get caught by his wife gawking at other women? It ain’t pretty, but it makes for a great fight in the parking lot afterwards).

It’s funny – when you work for tips, you usually tend to tip others more generously. Heck, I even tip the guy who pumps my gas (I always use the “full-service” pumps at the gas station. Isn't that ironic?). So we ALWAYS leave a sweet tip for our waitress – partly because she takes care of us, but mostly to piss off the rest of those bitches.

Now whenever we’re in the mood for a decent cheesesteak – we have to hit the diner out by the freeway. None of the people who work there know who we are, but we can always count on a familiar trucker or two to say “Hi!”

CJ

Freak of the Week - Father and Son

Did everyone have a good Labor Day weekend? I had to work on Sunday, but luckily the Business was closed Monday. We had a BBQ at my mom’s house and guess who was there? – my sister and her boyfriend. I still think she made a mistake by taking him back, but I was at least civil to him.

Today was busy for once. Business always picks up after the kids go back to school, and the dads have more time to themselves. And this brings me to the new Freak of the Week.

This one really got to me. I was working the desk this morning when I got a call from a customer wanting to make an appointment. He asked what kind of massage we provide and I told him “relaxing.”

He says he’s had all types of massages and drops a few hints that he’s interested in our kind of business. So I talk turkey with him, “Tipping starts at $80 for a relaxing massage. So would you like to make an appointment?”

“Yeah, you sound kinda sweet. I’d like to come in around 4.” I jot it down in the book. “Oh, and one more thing, can I make an appointment for my son too?”

Hmmmm… close family. Oh well, I’ve heard stranger.

This guy didn’t sound that old at all, so I figured his “kid” must be high school or college age. “Sure. If he’s under 21 I can schedule a therapeutic massage for him.” Our Carved-In-Rock policy here at the Business is absolutely NO erotic massages for anyone under 21. We’ll do therapeutics for under 21 (and I’ve done more than my share of college freshmen! – and believe me, they are so cute when they think they’re getting something naughty and it’s only a therapeutic).

“Oh no…” he says. “I want my son to have an erotic massage.”

I winced at that. First off, we don’t like to use terms like “erotic massage” on the phone. Second, we make the rules – not you. So I try to steer the course of this conversation away from the taboo terms. “Sir, we don’t do that here. We do ‘full-body massage.’ And if your son is under 21, I will gladly schedule him for a therapeutic massage instead.”

“Come on honey. “ I winced again (I HATE being called HONEY). “My son is going to have his first full body massage when I say so. And I think it’s time for him to know what a real woman feels like before he has sex.”

HUH? WHAAA?? Did he just say “sex? Did he just say “before?”

“Uh, excuse me. But how old is your son?”

“He’s 10.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to say, “I’m very sorry sir, but unfortunately it is against our policy to offer adult oriented services to persons under the age of 21.” However, all that came out of my mouth was a sort of high-pitched squeak.

Apparently he didn’t properly interpret my squeak and kept trying to get his kid in. “Look, I’m willing to pay full price for him. And I swear I won’t tell your boss - just let us come in.”

When my verbal faculties came back to me, the best response I could manage was, “Are you fucking kidding me?????!!!!”

“No I’m not fucking kidding. What - you think you’re too good to take care of my son?” This guy must REALLY love his kid – in all the wrong ways. Well, you know what they say… If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.

I finally just told him there’s no way in Hell he’s welcome in here, and he finally hung up. That freaked me out enough that I had to go outside and have a cigarette. I blame my smoking habit on people like him.

I guess Junior won’t be going back to 6th grade this year as a man. Oh well.

CJ