The Coup

Trina and Cindy know about this blog, and even occasionally read it. Well this week they got a big kick over all the talk about me taking over The Business.

And I mean a REALLY big kick. In fact, it was all they talked about for a couple of days. Yeah - we've all had fantasies about ditching Audrey and doing our own thing. Hell, Cindy and I once talked about leaving everything behind for Vegas and becoming high-priced call girls.

Ahhhhhh... good times... good times.

Anyway, this time the idle chit-chat wasn't so idle. They both approached me and said they would back me 100% if I decided to jump ship and start up a new place. They didn't care much for this location and insisted we move across town to a more central spot with better access to the freeway.

Of course they would suggest that - it's MY money they're spending on this move. But they do have a point. In fact, it was Cindy of all people who pointed out that this would be the perfect time to start fresh because:

1) Commercial rents are cheap
2) Audrey has no interest in coming back
3) Recent parlor crackdown has other girls ready to join us
4) Half our competition has been shut down, so all their customers are free for the taking

And this was Cindy who had this sudden insight. The same Cindy who has trouble spelling her own name. The same Cindy that once insisted a sweater on sale for 50% off with a coupon for 50% off was 100% off. The same Cindy who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon. You get the picture.

Of course after Cindy made this intelligent and well thought out argument, I had to turn to Trina to verify I wasn't hearing things. "She's right you know" was all she had to add. This is the problem when you work with your friends - it's hard to just dismiss them.

So I caught myself the other day looking at the phone numbers of the 3 girls who recently applied for work here. They were all experienced erotic masseuses. They were ready for something new. Heck - a brand new Business with 6 girls ready to absorb the customers from FOUR other parlors plus all our current Regulars? Shit - that's tempting. I mean really really tempting.

And that's what's going through my mind this weekend. A LOT to think about.


CJ

Another One Bites The Dust

Well another AMP (Asian Massage Parlor) got taken down last week. No crackdown my ass (no pun intended). Anyway, I say good riddance. You guys out there know how I feel about the AMPs.

The bad thing is that our business took a dive after they got shut down, but that's typical. But by this weekend, everything should be back to normal. And the good thing is that with another competitor gone, we'll eventually see that bump of customers looking for a new place to call home.

But one thing I wasn't expecting to see was a bump in girls looking for work. Remember last week I mentioned that Audrey found someone to help out? Well ever since then, it's like we've had a "we're hiring" sign in our window. Of course it never rains but it pours.

What's interesting though is that I've since spoken with 3 girls FROM OTHER PARLORS. Turns out that with the recent crackdown, all the local full service places are scared shitless. These girls just wanted to lay low for a while and give the full service thing a rest until things blow over.

My guess is that things will finally blow over by the next election. Crackdowns almost always coincide with someone's political campaign. Ever notice how all the potholes on your street get fixed before election day?

Anyway, it's probably best that I'm not hiring anyone now. Full service girls sometimes have problems stepping down to hand-release only - especially when their Regulars start showing up from the old business. Old habits are hard to die.

As for us here at The Business, I actually had what you could call my first ever "Employee Meeting." In light of recent events, the 3 of us sat down the other day and went over ways we can protect ourselves from getting in trouble.

Meeting Agenda: Official Procedures For Offering A Happy Ending

Topics of Discussion:
1) Newbies - no options offered on 1st visit until further notice. NO EXCEPTIONS.
2) ALWAYS give the speech - "If there is any additional area of your body you wish to be massaged, please indicate by placing my hand there..."
3) No references to tipping on phone calls.
4) Conservative dress code re-established until further notice (Gawd - I'm starting to even sound like Audrey)

So we basically just went over everything we should be doing anyway to throw off anyone who's snooping around. The biggest thing we can do to protect ourselves really is to just be extra careful with the newbies. Anyone whatsoever who gives us a weird vibe will get therapeutic only - even after a 2nd or 3rd visit. We all know the drill and I trust Trina and Cindy to be well behaved for the time being. This isn't the first time The Business has gone into "Double Super Secret" mode.

So don't go expecting to see me on the 9 o'clock news with a towel thrown over my head as I'm being lead into a patrol car any time soon...........

CJ

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I swear I can't even see straight right now... WAAAAAAY over did last night. And in my inexperienced managerial role, I made the mistake of scheduling myself off yesterday, but on today. BIG mistake - should have done it the other way around. So instead of drinking all day followed by working all day, I should have drank all NIGHT followed by sleeping all day.

Is this the kind of stuff they teach you in business school?

Anyway, let me make this short so I can go back to drinking my 7up and eating my plain crackers...

Audrey told me to stop looking for a new girl because she thinks she found someone. At this point, I don't really care either way. I mean, I've been looking (kinda) but without much luck. But the last time Audrey brought in a "friend" it turned out to be her slutty younger sister. She was sooooo bad that she was offering full service within her first month with us.

It took A LOT of complaining before Audrey finally had the guts to fire her. I think it finally happened with Audrey realized her own customers were abandoning her for Slutty Sis.

Whatever. I don't care. I just work here, right?

Anyway - I hope you guys all had fun yesterday drinking green beer and singing songs.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Chicken Fucker

I hate living out in the country. Wait - let me rephrase that... sometimes I hate living out in the country. I guess we're more of a suburb, but with all the mushroom farms and whatnot around here we may as well be in Alabama.

Our clientele is about half blue collar, half white collar. But every now and then you get the down-on-the-farm guys. Not that there's anything wrong with them... it's just that occasionally you get a guy who considers our little town as "The Big City."

Take Cletus for example. Nice guy who came in last Thursday. He was a newbie to The Business, but he obviously knew his way around a massage parlor. Funny guy too, kept telling jokes - I like that. It's nice when the newbies put me at ease, and Cletus was just one of those likeable kinda guys.

He took a 30 minute topless session which went just fine. Nothing out of the usual, except that he kept talking and making wise-cracks during the session. Even during his hand release, he made a joke about "choking the chicken." A country guy to the bone (pun intended).

Well as he was getting dressed and I was cleaning up inside the room, Cletus asked "Hey... do you know how to fuck a chicken?"

I had never heard that particular joke before, so I was game. "Uh no..." I was already smiling since I knew his zingers were pretty good. "Tell me - how do you fuck a chicken?"

So he told me.

For the next 10 incredibly uncomfortable yet fascinating minutes, Cletus explained to me in excruciating detail how you literally fuck a chicken.

Apparently you just don't grab it and stick your dick in (not that I had really given any thought before to the mechanics of chicken fucking). There's this whole thing you have to do with tying the legs in just the right way so you can fasten the chicken around your waist. That way it keeps it's legs apart so you can fuck it easier. And the frantic flapping motion of the wings means that the chicken does most of the work for you.

If you think what I just wrote is disturbing, try standing in front of a guy who's telling you this in a serious tone of voice. Imagine the Hannibal Lecter of chickens. He weirded me out to the point that I had to weird out you guys just to get some of the weirdness off of me. Brrrrrrrrr.

Now go back to whatever it was that you were doing and pretend like you never read this - The Silence of the Chickens.

CJ

HappyEndingz - Under New Management

Well yes and no. It's official and it's unofficial. Last night Audrey offered to sell me The Business.

It's really not that big of a deal - she's done it before. And each time I've taken it with a grain of salt. The only true difference this time is that she hasn't set foot in here in what - 2 months now? And as of our last talk, she's not planning on setting foot again anytime in the near future.

So what should I do THIS time? Business is crap. In fact, I've been seriously thinking of taking a friend up on her offer to bartend a couple nights a week. I've tended bar before, so I wouldn't mind doing it again. Heck - the pay would be more stable than around here (and easier on my left hand).

Audrey threw some numbers around and I kinda half listened. Like I've said - she's done this before. So here is a list of pros and cons that I need to consider this time around:

ProsRecently renovated
Easily converted to tanning salon
Already includes a tanning booth
Location (great for a massage parlor)
Run with 3 person staff

Cons
Price
Location (bad for a tanning salon)
$$ to buy extra tanning booths
Not starting "fresh"

I've always wanted my own tanning salon, and somehow this wouldn't be the same. And Audrey is still delusional over what the worth of this place is. But if she came down in price, I would definitely reconsider. In this business, what you're paying for isn't just a couple of rooms and massage tables.

Since advertising is so hard to do and clientile are difficult to establish what you're paying for is the name and reputation. Our customers know that this business at this location provides happy endings. That's why massage parlors often start up at the exact same location of old parlors - reputation. It's like built in advertising. I could even pack up and move, but as long as I take the same name with me the customers will be able to find us (eventually). Sucks not being able to advertise like everyone else.

If I didn't want this place, I could start my own, but then I face the problem of trying to rebuild the customer base. You can't exactly open up the books and start calling customers at home ("Hello? Mrs. Johnson? Could you tell Harvey that Fantasia, Candy, and Paradise have moved and would love to see him at our new location in the K-mart plaza behind Joe's Welding Supply?").

While I had Audrey on the phone, we also talked about the fate of our competitor that got busted. Turns out she knows some history about the owners of that place and she was only surprised this didn't happen earlier.

So there you have it - the news is out there and I would really appreciate your input. I mean, I've been seriously thinking of my escape plan for a couple years now, and then this happens. It's like Karma keeps me tied to the massage table. Or am I just making excuses not to make the tough decision and just leave?

What do you guys think? You've been following this drama for a couple years now so you probably know as much about it as I do!

CJ

The Crackdown

One of the biggest topics of conversation around here lately is the recent crackdown on local parlors. At least we use the word "crackdown" but the local police chief denies it.

You see, it works like this... The local authorities really don't give a rats ass about the parlors around here. In fact, some of our nicest Regulars are local cops. And the town doesn't really care because we pay our taxes just like everyone else and we take up retail rental space that no one else wants.

Well last year the authorities raided a couple of the local Asian places because of concerns of human trafficking. Now for those of you "hobbyists" out there who still insist that there's no such thing, and all their girls are happy-go-lucky workers following time-honored Asian traditions of pleasing men - none of the girls were local. In fact, it turns out they were all trucked in from NYC and the Businesses were little more than fronts for the Asian mob. The girls were hauled off to jail and the parlors were shut down. Then a couple months later, the "Mama-san" of one of the places was found murdered.

Do I still need to convince you guys to buy American?

The place that was busted recently was not Asian, but employed all local girls. It's familiar to us, but none of us personally know any of the girls who were arrested; which is not unusual since there's a high turnover of girls in this business - especially in the full service places. That particular business is, for lack of a better word, a shithole. It's a dirty full service parlor and the girls there are known for being skanks.

We know this from the gossip we get from friends at other Businesses and customers who've been there. The guys have said that over the last year it went downhill and it was pretty much just sex only with no massage. And when a place turns from massage parlor to brothel, masseuses are replaced by drug addicts, dealers are setting up shop in the parking lots, crime goes up in the neighborhood, the locals finally complain, and BANG - you're busted.

You really have to be making waves before the cops are willing to put down the donuts long enough to do an investigation. So when 3 customers with cropped hair come in, take full sessions from 3 different girls, and then REFUSE their happy endings - it's time to clock out and not come back to work for a few days.

Oh - and that bullshit about a cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask? That's pure Hollywood fiction. What they can't do is take the happy ending. Testifying in court how you let the "suspect" go down on you while undercover doesn't fly with too many cop-wives.

But it's not like we don't get hassled every now and then. Once in a while someone will call the cops and say they "suspect" something, and then a cruiser ends up parked in our front lot for 2 days. It slows down business for a bit, but then it all blows over and everything is back to normal in a few days.

The last time someone called the cops on us, it was a customer. He was one of those nuts that comes in and DEMANDS full service when he knows nothing about us. Well, Trina ended up throwing him out and he threatened to call the cops if we didn't service him.

We told him to go right ahead - and he did.

The local cops showed up and asked us what the problem was. He said he was reporting us for forcing ourselves on him - a good law-abiding citizen. We told them exactly what happened - this perv demanded full service and we said "no." The cops hauled him away in handcuffs for harassment.

Of course it helps when one of the guys who shows up is a friend of a friend. And I swear that Audrey knows every cop within a 3 town radius.

And that's my take on the "crackdown." Don't worry - I'm pretty sure we'll still be open tomorrow.

CJ

Questions and Answers...

THIS is why I didn't want to say anything about a guy I'm dating. I was afraid I'd start getting a ton of crap and lots and lots of questions that I probably don't want to deal with. But I kinda knew I was opening a Pandora's box by finally mentioning him, so I'll be a big girl and try to respond with maturity.

First off, let me clarify some things regarding the Playboy interview. Apparently this damn show is more popular than I could have imagined. The guys in Jason's shop listen to Howard Stern in the mornings, followed by the Playboy show, and finally Bubba in the afternoons. He said he was working and had tuned out the show when he thought he heard my voice. He started paying attention and just thought it was funny that some girl on the radio kinda sounded like me. He later told me this story because he thought it was funny.

I did not.

After the interview, I had like 3 or 4 people ask if it was me (including 1 close friend and 1 customer). I had no clue ANYONE listened to this damn show. And that's why I made the decision then and there I couldn't do it anymore. They wanted me on the next week since my call was cut so short, but I had to tell them no. Which is a shame because I had fun and it would have gotten me lots of new readers. Believe me, it wasn't easy to drop it, but I was scared shitless for a couple of days until it all blew over.

Now another thing I want to point out is that he's not my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other but it's not to the point where we're using those kinds of terms yet. And when it does, I have no reason to confess anything to him since I've never confessed anything to anyone I've ever dated. Hell, I've lived with guys who had no idea what I really did for a living!

So don't expect any heart wrenching "confessions" from me to him any time soon. Of course if he were to discover the truth on his own - won't that make for a great story?

Now on to your questions...

Very few guys I've dated have known I'm a masseuse - and those that did just assumed I was therapeutic. And no, I don't avoid HJ's or try to give more - it's pretty much just whatever fits for us at the time. And none of them have ever said to me "Gee... you're so good at that you should do it for a living!"

Have I ever met a friend of a friend who was a customer? Believe it or not, that had never happened. I have run into customers while out at the bar, and most of the time they just ignore me, or slink quietly away. I think they're definitely more nervous to be around me than I around them.

As for VD... If a guy looks particularly dirty to me, I'll usually just tell him therapeutic only.

Newbie question... It's not inappropriate to ask for glutes. Shit - I'm supposed to massage your dick at the end, so glutes are fine. Not requested often. In fact, if a customer wants some serious body work, all you have to do is ask. Truckers in particular have special requests regarding lower back and legs, and I do my best to help them out.

G-Dragon... We have strict rules about age at the Business. 21 and over. Catering to younger guys is just trouble, so it's not worth it.

And finally, to all of you wondering if I'll ever come clean to Jason. Who knows? But from my experience - it always ends badly.

CJ

Happy VD

You know I don't like talking about my personal life, but recently it crossed over to my business life. I didn't want to say anything, but it's been festering away for a couple weeks now so I feel like I need to tell someone about it.

As you don't know, I've been seeing a guy on and off for a couple months now. He's the one I mentioned earlier who actually recognized my voice from the Playboy interview. I didn't want to do this and I've been dreading it but here goes... I'm going to give him a name (*GASP*). Let's call him "Jason."

I just got a shiver as I typed that. It's like I'm making it official by actually naming him here on the blog. Wow.

Anway, about a month ago, "Jason" started asking me questions about work. At first I was able to deflect them easily ("I'm a shampooist"... Honestly - where do you go from there?), but then he started to get more persistent. I figured he was trying to dig up enough info to send me flowers for Valentines Day - or worse - surprise me at work!

I kept throwing road blocks at him like "I'm not working that day" and "don't embarass me like that" but I knew I wasn't getting through to him. I could have told Jason I don't like flowers, but he already knows that's a lie. I could have told him I don't like lunch, but he REALLY knows that's a lie. So here he is, trying to combine the 2 in the worst possible way.

I know he meant well, but it was really starting to piss me off the closer it got to VD. It finally got to the point where the Thursday before, I actually picked a fight with him just to make an excuse to avoid him for a few days. I figured this would give me a window big enough to prevent him from arranging any flower deliveries or surprise lunches. THEN I made up with him Sunday morning (since I wasn't working) and INSISTED we go out. This way, he still gets to feel like he did some romantic stuff for Valentines Day, and The Business is removed from the equation. Situation difused. Go me!

Well once again, my lack of understanding of the male mind has gotten me in trouble again. I figured seeing Jason on VD had ended the issue of where I work. Boy was I wrong. Apparently, my little hissy fit only made him even more determined to surprise me.

What is it with guys and surprises???? Scaring the shit outta me at work is not going to make lunch taste any sweeter. He knows I work Thursday morning shift, so the devious little shit made it a point to call my cell phone at noon to verify I was there. I think I said something stupid like "yeah... it's dead here... think I'll take my break soon..." Well guess who's ringing the bell a few minutes later?

My cousin "Agnes" turned out to be the weakest link. I guess he managed to sweet talk her into giving up directions on where to find me. He wasn't given the name of The Business, so this may have worked out to my advantage. Don't get me wrong - I still plan on murdering Agnes and disposing of the body using an elaborate scheme of 10 dozen hermetically sealed mayonaise jars, BUT I credit her with only giving out enough info to direct him to our door.

By the way he came in he wouldn't have seen our sign up front and realized it's not "...... Hair and Nails" like I've told him a hundred times. And from where he parked (and waited) he wouldn't have seen a line of men coming in and out of our front door. Luckily he was directed to the back entrance where there's nothing to see.

My jaw dropped when I saw Jason standing outside with that dumb smile of his. Having gone through this situation before, I immediately went into crisis mode and whisked him back to his car before any of our "nooners" came in looking for a quick session. I made an excuse of not wanting the boss to see him so I could spend "more time" at lunch. The real reason of course is what hair and nails salon only employs 1 woman and has no actual appliances for doing hair and nails? So I couldn't possibly let him in the front door. I literally jumped in the car and barked "Let's go!"

I think we were pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant before I realized I was sitting on a bouquet of flowers.

I wolfed my food down and kept the conversation focused on him. Then I made sure he brought me round back so he wouldn't see the front door. I told Jason I had a lovely lunch, but please never ever do that again. And unlike all my other stories, there was no happy ending to this one - I think I shook his hand.

So what did we learn today boys and girls?

Bring me pizza = handjob
Surprise me at work = handshake

Meanwhile, I have asked Agnes to meet me tomorrow night behind an abandoned gas station. And to "... bring a shovel."

CJ

Stupid Newbie Mistakes - or What NOT To Do In A Massage Parlor

This weekend I had to throw out 2 newbies because they were being such dipshits. I mean, I could use the business just like the next girl, but there are just some breaches of etiquette (and levels of stupidity) that cannot be forgiven. This is what I'm talking about...

When it comes to getting your happy ending, there are certain behaviors that will kill the deal. Look - this is a shady business to begin with so there are certain things we must do to protect both you and me. But if you newbies out there follow my advice, then you'll be merrily on your way to enjoying your first erotic massage.

On The Phone
When on the phone, the First Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Period. Under no circumstances should you ask about options, extras, or whatever little perversions float your boat.

If you call up, the only things I will discuss on the phone are: door fee, hours we're open, and which girls are working that day. If you ask me "what kind" of massage we provide, my pat answer is "relaxing." And if a caller asks ANYTHING regarding extras, I automatically respond with "we don't do that here" and I hang up. I don't know how many times I end up hanging up on a newbie each week because they pull that stupid shit on the phone.

At The Desk
When standing at the front desk, the Second Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Our lobby isn't exactly a private space, so as a rule we do not discuss anything regarding extras or options.

This is where I had to throw out a newbie on Saturday. This guy came in and kept trying to get me to talk about what goes on in the room. "My buddy told me I could get a happy ending massage here..."

Listen - that kind of talk will get your ass thrown out of any massage parlor. We will only talk about extras and options inside the room. I don't even like Regulars talking about it at the front desk. It's really in poor taste to discuss your little perversions up front where the phones are and people walking around.

Look, I know that some of you newbies are nervous and want to know up front everything that's going to happen before any money is exchanged, but that's just the way it has to be to protect ourselves. This guy on Saturday was doing his best to get me to admit he could get a handjob, so I finally just told him we're not that kind of place and to take his business elsewhere.

In The Room
The Third Rule of erotic massage is everyone cums (I hope I don't have to pay any royalties to "Fight Club").

One of the most common questions I get from newbies is "How do I ask for a happy ending?" I've gone over this before, but I'll talk about it again for the education of some of the new readers out there. The answer is NEVER. If you're in a genuine massage parlor, then your masseuse will offer you "options" for your massage. This means you're gonna get your happy ending without having to ask for it (did you really think she's taking her top off for therapeutic reasons?).

Now if you're in a therapeutic massage business, the same rule still applies - NEVER ask for a happy ending! Some masseuses may take offense and consider that a little legal term we like to call "solicitation." So technically, you the customer should never have to ask - it is supposed to be offered. That way, there is no confusion as to what is about to happen. And this exchange should ONLY take place inside the room. Heck - I've heard of some parlors where extra's aren't even offered until AFTER the massage is over!

Another rule inside the room is NEVER assume anything is going to take place until you've discussed AND agreed upon it with your masseuse. This brings me to the 2nd asshole I threw out this weekend. This newbie seemed normal on the phone and at the desk... but as soon as that door was closed, he was all over me. I had to shove him off and asked what he thought he was doing. His response was basically "hey - I'm paying for this." So my response was basically "No you're not - so get the fuck out."

NOW REMEMBER - always let the masseuse make the first move. I know a lot of my stories start with something like "a guy came in asking for a blah-and-blah." Well those are Regulars who I already know and trust, so we usually skip the formalities.

So if you're looking for your first massage parlor - relax, sometimes it takes a visit or 2 before you're offered options. If nothing has happened by the 2nd visit, you're probably in a therapeutic spa and it's time to move on. Now I know there are a lot of guys out there that have gotten handjobs from masseuses who did not offer options, but that's a whole other topic that I'll talk about later.

And if nothing else works, just tell your massuese "I know CJ." Good luck newbies!

CJ

Handjobs for Pizza

By the way - I was reading through some of the comments last week about the guy who brought us pizza in the snow. Well I now realize that men would prefer a handjob to getting paid for pizza.

I JUST now got that.

When I was telling that story, it never even occurred to me that "Knight" would have preferred the happy ending to the money. That's why my attitude was like "fine... I hope you're happy with just this handjob..."

I mean the guy was gone for over an hour, driving in the snow. And he must have spent at least $30 on the all the food and drinks. I would have wanted to be paid back! It just didn't occur to me till right this minute that Knight got what he considered the better end of the deal.

If he were my Regular, I would have forced him to take the money and then given him a happy ending just as a "thank you." But that's just me. Sometimes I find it hard to understand the male brain.

It's funny, I've been doing erotic massage for so long that I sometimes forget that there's a reason why it's called a "happy ending." For me, 99% of the effort is in the massage portion. The last 1% is easy. Like I've said before, for most guys the handjob is pretty much up, down, repeat as necessary. But you try working out the kinks on the back of a 250 lbs. trucker who's been sitting down for 16 hours - THAT'S hard.

So anyway, let me give you a quick update on what's going on around here. I spoke with Audrey at length yesterday about when she's supposed to come back. I told her I'm managing quite fine without her, but we could use an extra set of hands (pun intended) for some of the busier shifts. Audrey told me point blank not to count on her coming back anytime soon, but I do have the OK to hire anyone I like.

I guess that's something. The quality of girls that have been dropping by lately has been lacking. I have a couple people in my little black book I may call up and see if they're interested. I'd much rather work with a Ho I know than one I don't know (Little Red - please forward your resume and 2 references).

Have a good weekend guys and watch out for that snow! You never know where you'll get stranded.

CJ

The Late Shift

One of you guys asked me to tell the story of the time I took care of a customer while sitting at the front desk. And the guy who got a handjob for bringing us pizza - these are examples of the kinda stuff that can happen on the late shift. The Business is open till 9pm with our last appointments starting at 8. The second shift here is typically 3-9pm, but we'll stay later for Regulars. At my Old Business, we were open till 11pm [Massage Parlor Tip #14 - any massage places open past 9 are usually the happy ending kind].

When you're working the late shift, it's pretty easy to get punch drunk towards closing time - especially if you've just worked a double. You're tired, you're feeling lazy, and you just wanna go home. Combine that with the fact that our neighboring businesses have all closed and we have the entire shopping plaza to ourselves, and you can see why things can be pretty loose at night.

For example, when Audrey's not around we might take an hour for dinner, ditch the business casual outfits for jeans and T-shirts, turn up the music, crank up the heat/AC, or take the phone outside and hang out in the parking lot and smoke. Customers like it too because they can hang out before or after a session and just chat with us without feeling pressured to leave.

The clientele also changes at night. We usually get a bump in customers right when everyone gets out of work. But later in the night is when you usually see the guys who aren't married or just don't need to be home anytime soon. This makes for a more laid back atmosphere in the evenings.

So one night back at the Old Business, it was around closing and one of my Regulars was hanging out with me and another girl. Well it was getting late and I asked "Buster" if he wanted a session or what because I was ready to go home. We had all been hanging out in the lobby which had 2 couches and a tall desk next to the front door. Buster was sitting in the desk chair and I was on the couch.

"I'll pay you for an entire session if you just take care of me right here," he challenged me with a smirk on his face.

By now you should know that I'll take a challenge. I called his bluff, "What? In that chair?"

Buster smiled. "Yup. Right here. It's always been a fantasy of mine."

I figured what the heck. From the front door, you couldn't see the chair behind the desk. And in that Business, all the windows up front were covered solid with black plastic (yes - this place was sleazy looking).

I stood up from the couch. "Drop 'em." I ordered.

All of a sudden, he looked nervous. Buster glanced over at the other girl. She made an excuse to go in the back and clean up. "Uhhhhh... Really?....Right here?"

I love being in control. "You asked for it" I said as I knelt in front of him. I pulled a box of kleenex off the desk and put it on the floor. "Whip it out big boy."

Buster awkwardly unbuckled his pants and dropped them around his ankles without standing up from the chair. I spit on my left hand, and kept a kleenex handy in my right. I started to work his cock and was surprised to see just how quickly he got excited by this change of venue. "Wow. I...I...I... didn't think you'd d-d-do it."

"It's late, so who cares? Now sit back and close your eyes." I spit on my hand again and he moaned loudly with the fresh application of lubricant. I kept an eye on his shirt to make sure it wasn't in the cum-zone.

His breathing increased and I knew he was close to finishing. "Moo.. Moo... Move over here so I can squeeze your t-t-tits." I obliged him by moving closer to the chair. Buster clumsily grabbed The Girls with his left hand before finally moaning "This is it!" And with that I wrapped the kleenex around the tip of his prick and caught most of his load. I pumped him a few gentle times more to get the last drop before I cleaned him up.

"Is it all that you had hoped for Buster?" I asked with a big smile. He just kinda collapsed in the chair and nodded his head.

Now what is it with guys and public spaces? I mean there was no danger of anyone actually seeing what I was doing behind the desk, but for some reason the idea turned Buster on. Not that I'm complaining; it was a quick tip for me and I didn't even have to get undressed.

Remind me later to tell you the story of the time I did a customer in Audrey's office. I was pissed at her over something, and it just seemed like an appropriate way to get revenge. But now that I have to sit in THAT chair and do her job, I feel kinda skeeved.

Karma's a bitch.

CJ

Snow Day

Hey guys! This post is (or was) coming to you live from The Business on Wednesday night. Trina and I got snowed in and decided to stay overnight. Kinda like a slumber party, but with the occasional handjob thrown in.

We knew it was gonna be bad. And as acting manager of The Business, I made the executive decision to cover the afternoon shift in case Trina didn't want to tough it out. What happened was that the storm started off slow, and so we all thought we could work our regular shifts. Then when it kicked into high gear, we realized it was too late to get home safely. Luckily we're prepared for such eventualities.

During the winter, we all keep an extra set of clothes in our lockers. And the fridge is usually stuffed with snacks and leftovers. But why come into work at all you ask? Because there's this weird phenomenon we see at The Business where things actually pick up at the beginning of bad weather. We call it the "Hurricane Sale." You know that time right before a storm when all the wacko's raid the grocery store for bottled water and toilet paper? Well, I guess the same thinking applies to handjobs.

I covered Wednesday morning by myself and did pretty well - five 30 minute sessions (everyone in a hurry to get outta town). Trina had the evening shift, but I stuck around just to hang out. Poor Trina got 1 customer before we realized the roads were pretty much impassable and we were stuck there. So we called it a day around 6pm, put on our PJ's , cranked the heat, and turned up the TV.

I think we were on our 3rd bag of microwave popcorn when the doorbell rang.

It was already dark out and the storm was at full force, but one of Trina's Regulars just pulled right on up in his giant 4x4 pickup. He wanted to know if he could do a session, so we let him in. He asked about the PJ's and I explained to him that we were stuck there for the night. Well this chivalrous gentleman offered the services of his All Terrain Chariot, so I told him to go get us a pizza. One hour later, and we were all chowing down on the best pepperoni pizza ever in front of the TV. I told Trina I'd do him for free after the huge favor he did for us, but she said she'd take care of him.

Trina asked him if he wanted to go into session still, but he said he was too comfortable sitting on the floor and having pizza with us. We tried to pay him for the food, but he kept refusing. So finally Trina told him to just sit back and shut up. He looked confused as he leaned back (but still keeping his eyes on the TV). She went in the closet and pulled out a fresh bottle of baby oil. Then she unbuckled his pants, and pulled them down enough to reveal his prick. Our Knight in Shining Armor looked at me with this nervous expression, but I just shrugged my shoulders. "It's not like I haven't seen one before. This is what you get for not letting us pay you for the pizza."

Trina lubed him up with the oil and began to stroke his cock. I had another slice of pepperoni and watched American Idol while a half-naked man was being stroked off 3 feet away from me. Even I have to admit it was kinda surreal.

A couple minutes later, I heard a few groans and then Trina hopped up off the floor in search of some paper towels. I looked down at our Knight and smiled at him in all his cum-stained bliss and asked "so are you gonna let us pay for our food next time?"

There the poor guy was - lying on the floor with his pants pulled down, shirt pulled up, puddle of cum on his belly, glistening limp cock, half-empty pizza box, and dumb smile on his face. "I don't think so" was all he could manage. Well, Trina got him cleaned up and he finished watching Idol with us before heading back out into the storm for home.

We had enough leftovers for breakfast the next day, so we stuck everything in the fridge. We both stretched out on the couch and watched TV till about midnight or so. Eventually I made a little bed on the floor and gave her the couch. The next morning, we both showered and Trina braved the crappy roads for home. I stuck around for the first shift and waited for Cindy that night to cover the evening.

So by the time this adventure was over, I had covered extra shifts, slept at work, and even hung around while others were working. That's when it occurred to me that I was becoming Audrey!

And it only took 4 weeks. Holy Shit!

CJ

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

I've been going on for a couple weeks now about how awful it was gonna be to start getting Audrey's old customers. But let me tell ya, it's actually working out to our benefit. Let me explain.

While Audrey was around, we would occasionally get one of her Regulars. This was usually when they forgot her schedule, or she called out sick, or whatever. When this happened, we would DREAD it. They'd either bitch about our prices being different, or how Audrey "lets me go down on her...", etc. The best was the old "she owes me a freebie" scam where they demand a free session because they did her a favor or something. So this is basically what the rest of us girls thought was going to happen when Audrey went on leave - only 10 times worse.

It turns out - most of her customers are real sweethearts.

Who woulda thought???? I think what we were seeing before were just customers angry over not getting their dicks sucked. But now that these same guys are coming to us willingly (and that is the key word here), most of them have been pleasantly surprised with how nice the rest of us are.

Here are the top 5 things Audrey's customers have come to expect from her:

1) Lower price
2) Sessions cut short
3) Little to no massage
4) Extras such as fingering and oral release
5) Bad mouthing the other girls

So now they're all coming to us - some willingly and some reluctantly. I mean she's been bad mouthing us for so long, that a lot of her customers will not come back at all. But those that have are all saying what a refreshing change of scenery it is. Customers have been telling us stories about how she rushes them, pushes them for options they don't want, gives a crap massage, and spends half the session telling awful lies about "her girls." Heck - I had one guy tell me that Audrey warned him I'd steal his wallet if he ever came to see me. AND I WORK FOR HER!!!!!

There is a very good chance that Audrey has lost some Regulars for good. A few guys are still pouting that the rest of us girls don't put out to the extent that Audrey does, but for the most part they are all happy customers. The biggest difference I've seen is the increase in requests for a breast release. Apparently guys just had no interest in getting them from her. Last Thursday I had 3 in a row!!!! (1 mine and 2 hers). The Girls were sore that night, but they had definitely earned their keep.

So there you have it - something good actually coming from this whole management mess. And by the time she comes back, I hope to have more than a few new Regulars at her expense.

CJ

Freak of the Week - Napoleon

Let me tell ya - ever since we inherited Audrey's old Regulars, it's been like a genuine carnival of freaks around here. Not that they're all bad - in fact, some of them are real sweethearts. It's funny, a lot of these guys are finally realizing that the other girls here are not the two-bit skanks that Audrey made us out to be.

But with all the nice guys also come the not-so-nice. Take "Napoleon" for example. I'll call him that because this guy yesterday definitely had a Napoleon complex.

Before I get started here, let me point out that I have nothing against short guys. Heck - I'm short! I've even dated guys not much taller than me. But once in a while you meet one of those guys who's like really uptight about it. Funny thing is that real "little people" who come in here don't have attitudes. Personally, I think the Napoleon complex kicks in with guys who are just short enough to realize it, but not short enough that they have to accept it.

Napoleon was right smack in the middle of that range. The first moment I knew something was weird was when he called in and asked for Audrey. I explained to him that she's out for the time being, and the rest of the staff is taking care of her customers. He actually demanded to get her personal number, then said "this is not acceptable" and other things that assholes usually say when they don't get their way. Didn't bother me since he's not one of my Regulars.

He didn't make an appointment on the phone, but surprisingly turned up at the door 30 minutes later. Once again he demands to see Audrey and I gave him the whole talk all over again. This time he doesn't ask for a phone number but instead says something like "you'll do."

I'll do? What a way to flatter a girl. Especially one you want to touch your dick. I gritted my teeth over that one. If he wasn't one of Audrey's Regulars but just a newbie walk-in, I would have just said "I'm sorry sir, but I have an appointment beginning in a few minutes. Why don't you come back in 3 hours?"

[You heard it here first guys - if a masseuse tells you to come back SEVERAL hours later, she wants nothing to do with you]

But since I don't want my bad customer service skills to get back to Audrey from one of her more loyal customers, I say "well I think I can squeeze you in before my next appointment. AND it can only be for 30 minutes. Sorry." (not)

"Hurmph!" That's the best way I can describe his snort of displeasure. My teeth started grinding for a 2nd time since meeting this guy.

I got up from behind the desk and walked towards my room. "I can take you in the second room on the right." I turned around and continued "Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a few... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

At the beginning of the hallway Napoleon was standing there with his pants unzipped and his junk hanging out. He grabbed it and started swinging it before asking in a very serious tone "Is this OK with you?"

I've seen flashers before. I've seen exhibitionists before. But it was the way he asked if it was "OK" that caught my attention. Those guys would either be laughing or at the very least grinning at this point. But I suddenly realized that Napoleon wasn't trying to shock me - he was being dead serious.

And it was this sudden realization that kept my right foot from contacting his sack in a very sudden and unfriendly way. So instead, I just kinda looked puzzled at him.

"I said" he repeated, "is this OK?" And for a little added emphasis, he shook his dick again.

I looked at his dick and had to admit it was disproportionably large for his height. But since it was still attached to an even bigger asshole, my surprise was quickly replaced with annoyance. "Looks fine from here. Will you please get in the room before someone sees you?"

As I tell this story now, even I'm a little proud at how well I handled this situation. But if there's one thing I've learned about dealing with jerks, it's that they usually respond best when you return their level of jerkiness. Too little and they walk all over you, too much and they get defensive.

Now if you think that a short guy standing in the middle of your work with his dick hanging out of his pants should have been slightly more shocking to me, consider what I do for a living. My biggest concern at that moment was getting him away from the windows. Since I've worked at The Business, I've done sessions in the break room (so we could both watch TV), the office (as an F-You to Audrey), and the bathroom (the 2 minute "special"). And one time at the old Business, I even took care of a customer while he sat in the chair behind the front desk.

Well my honest response seemed to satisfy Napoleon. He quickly shoved it back in his pants and said "I just needed to make sure before we got started. I don't like to surprise anyone." And with that, he FINALLY went into my room.

Funny usage of the word "surprise" I thought afterwards. He should use a dictionary for something other than standing on.

The actual session went more or less normally. Once on the table, he finally shut his mouth and behaved. Even though he's one of Audrey's Regulars, he didn't try to finger me or anything. That's what you call a good day at work - when no one tries to finger you.

CJ

Confessions of an Erotic Employer

As you know, I've been more or less running this place for the last couple weeks. Well, nothing makes you feel more like the boss than having to hire someone. Ugh.

The "New Girl" just quit. And by "quit" I mean no one's seen her in several weeks. She was only part time and spent most of it working with Audrey, so I really had little to do with her. Oh well, it's not a big loss. I mean she was so inconsequential that I never even had to make up a fake name for her for the blog. But with Audrey gone, I couldn't find anyone to cover those shifts. So I called the new girl at home and she confirmed that her new semester at school has started and she couldn't make it anymore.  Well let me tell ya... when she graduates college, this is ONE massage parlor that's not going to give her a good reference.

Now it's my job to find a newbie to fill in and I can't blame Audrey any more if this goes badly. We usually get at least 1 girl a week coming in looking for work, but for the life of me, I can't remember anyone applying for a job since before Christmas.

I swear, I must have spent 3 hours on the phone with Audrey this past weekend filling her in and trying to figure out where to find a hardened (no pun intended) professional to fill her shoes. I called a couple girls I used to work with and no luck. Everyone else seems to have gone legit lately (is someone trying to tell me something?).

So for all you girls out there reading this, think you got what it takes? Massage experience preferable. Strong right hand a must.

I remember a girl I used to work with at the Old Business. She had been working there for a couple of months before she quit - or should I say fired. What I remember about her in particular was that she was petit and drop dead gorgeous. You could say she was adorable in an Abercrombie/Fitch kinda way, and opposed to Playboy bunny way.

She was a rather good worker as far as I could tell. Very punctual, no complaints from the customers. Just did her job and didn't cause any trouble. Then one day, a customer finally said something to the manager about "taking the training wheels off" the new girl. Turns out that just like me - no one really told her exactly what the job involved - just what it DIDN'T involve. I guess she interpreted the "DO NOT DO THIS" list to include many things including clothing options, happy endings, or even massages.

From what we could piece together from her customers after she was gone, was that she would come into the room and pretty much just tell customers what she won't do. So after playing 20 questions with her (to which the answers were almost always "no"), the guys ended up taking matters into their own hands, while she assumed various sexy poses for them. She never even got nude. The new girl was so hot that guys would jerk themselves off and blow their loads while looking at her. As far as we can tell, the furthest any customer ever got with her was a topless.

I guess the customers were either too embarrassed to say anything to us, or they just hoped that after 3 or 4 visits she'd finally grab their prick and do her job. But no. Took a couple months before the bosses found out and let her go.

But let me tell ya - just stand there and let guys look at you while they took care of themselves? It must have been a pretty damn good gig for those 2 months!

CJ

p.s. JUST got around to answering comments from the last 2 weeks!!!! Sorry!!!

New Links!

By popular demand, my Techno Geek and I have finally managed to throw some links together for those of you who requested some quick reference material for you newbies...Code Words, Lingo, How to Find a Massage Parlor...

They are conveniently located just under my profile pic on the right column...

I think we pretty much covered it, but if you guys and gals have any suggestions for additional links or categories, just let me know!

CJ

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Throw them at the son of a bitch that's been making your life miserable.

Over the course of a week, I had to pull myself off the Playboy Radio channel, AND I lost my Facebook page. In one case I revealed too much, in the other - not enough. Go figure.

And now to complicate things even further, Audrey threw a curveball at me. It's been almost 2 weeks now that she's been out and left me in charge. By the way I see things, I've managed to hold this place together and nothing has burned down. Yet.

Then she calls me last night and tells me she may not be back in 2 weeks. In fact, she may not be back in February. Her other situations, fiascos and crisis have definitely kept her busy and now it turns out she may not be back till March or April (or maybe never). And I'm in charge till then!!!!

Not like I don't run the place already... It's just that it's extra work and responsibility. And if anything goes wrong, I have no one to blame. But the worst thing is that it happens at a time when I was thinking of maybe cutting back my hours and trying to supplement my income with a "real" job.

Well you know what they say? When fate opens a door, it closes all the rest. They say that, don't they? I always talked about having my own business, I just didn't really want it to be this one!!! I guess that tanning business is gonna have to wait.

So what do you think guys? Golden opportunity or head for the hills?

CJ

FOTW: The WWJD Guy

OK, I was expecting this. With Audrey gone for over a week now it was just a matter of time before her Regulars started showing up on our shifts. We were all kinda looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. And this is a perfect example why...

2 days ago I got a guy demanding me to take her cut rate prices. Fuck that. I told him "Hey - you get what you pay for." He finally saw things my way - particularly after the bra came off. The Girls can be very helpful in negotiations. And I told Cindy and Trina to stand their ground and not cut their rates either.

Then there was my first customer today... an Audrey Regular who I've seen before, but never really spoken to. Tall skinny guy - looks like he has no sense of humor. Well today he walks in and sees me at the front desk.

"Uhhhhh... can I see Audrey please."

"I'm sorry sir, but she's away and won't be returning to work for a couple of weeks. Can I help you?"

"Uhhhhhh... Audrey please."

It's going to be one of those days I say to myself. A girl doesn't like feeling invisible, but this is ridiculous. Luckily for this guy, I'm a people person. "I'm sorry sir... but she is not here. I can help you if you..."

"Jesus help us!"

That little ejaculation is not what I was expecting (yes - as a good little Catholic girl, I know what an ejaculation is, thank you very much). Of course now I'm not sure what kind of help he needs if he's turning to Jesus for guidance at the front desk of a massage parlor.

"Uhhhhhh... I'm sorry miss... I usually see Audrey... Is Audrey..."

"NO - she's not here" I finish his thought, "and probably won't be back till next month." THIS is why I don't want Audrey's damn customers and I know that I'm going to regret doing this, but damnit - I'm in charge and I need to step up to the plate. "Would you like a session?" I manage to say politely.

"Jesus help me... Jesus help me..." he kinda mumbled a few times before saying "yes" in a small voice.

I directed him to my room when I saw him heading to Audrey's. I told him to get comfortable and then I left him alone for a few minutes. I figured as one of her Regulars he knows the routine. Even so, I was not surprised when I returned to find him fully clothed and sitting on the massage table.

I sighed. "You've been here before, right?" He nodded. "What options do you normally take with Audrey?" It was at this point that I noticed the yellow "WWJD" bracelet on his right wrist ("What Would Jesus Do?" for my non-Christian readers out there).

"Uhhhh... the one without the... uhhhh... bra... thing..."

I guess Jesus would take a topless. "Ok sir... get undressed and lie on your stomach." With the nervous type I find that it's best just to take charge and control the action. Thank Gawd (no pun intended) that the WWJD guy is not a talker - Except for the occasional "Give me strength!" or "Have mercy!" I can only assume that these pleas were not towards me.

I'm watching the clock, and we finally get to the happy ending. So the first words I finally utter in 30 minutes are "Alright, lay back, close your eyes and relax." I oil up my hands and start to work his cock. This guy is as silent as a church mouse (pun intended) up until the end. He gives out a soft moan and shoots a small load.

I ease up for a few seconds, then make for the towels. I CANNOT wait to see this guy to the door. The silent session is fine by me, but this one just kinda gave me the creeps. Then as I turn back to clean him up, he snatches the towel out of my hands.

"I'll do it!" he barks. It wasn't so much an angry tone as more of a "don't bother me" tone.

I'm like "whatever" and I start throwing clothes on quickly. Meanwhile I can hear more "Please forgive me" and "Have mercy" mumblings from my customer as he's thoroughly cleaning himself up.

I finally escape the room, and normally I wait at the desk to see the customer to the door, but I'm so creeped out by this guy that I head straight to the office. A few minutes later, the door chime lets me know he's gone. I take a deep breath to relax. Wow - that was weird.

Sadly I know this is probably just my first of many Audrey Regulars who will be bugging me for the next month. The good news is that I should have lots of new FOTW stories for you!

CJ

The UPS Guy

Remember the movie Legally Blonde? In it there's this hot delivery guy that the stylist is in love with. Well, it don't know about stereotypes, but what is it that makes delivery guys just so adorable?

I bring it up because here at The Business, we get weekly deliveries of supplies such as oils, sheets, and towels. And our delivery guy (we'll call him Guy) is from a supplier that serves several local area spas and hotels. Well Trina has the hots for him. I also think he's cute and wouldn't kick him outta bed, but Trina's like a giddy little school girl whenever he stops by.

Now I'm pretty sure that he has no idea what goes on around here. For starters, I know he doesn't supply the local AMPs because they don't use any products that a legitimate spa would actually use. So as far as he's concerned, we're probably just another day spa on his weekly route. Like most guys, he's shown no interest in our "spa" type services. And even if he did, he couldn't do anything because he's on the clock.

Well about 3 weeks ago, he had a really slow day so he actually hung out for a bit and chatted with Trina and me. I think she was flirting with him, but she denies it. Anyway, he asked a few questions about The Business and made a comment about "maybe" stopping by sometime for a massage.

That "maybe" was Saturday.

And guess who was working? Me of course. When I saw him, I was like "Crap! Trina's going to kill me when I tell her..." In fact, the first thing I said to him was "uh...Trina's off today... You want her schedule?" I think I actually detected a slight note of disappointment in his voice when he explained that he doesn't have any free time during the week.

So I made up my mind right there to try to help these 2 crazy kids out. "Follow me I said," and I led him into my session room.

Let me say right now that there was NO WAY I was going to offer Guy any options. I was totally professional and put on my "Therapeutic" hat. It was funny because he really had no idea what to expect - it was his first real massage. He was nervous at first, but I got him to relax. I gently steered the conversation to Trina and what a "great gal" she is. I even hinted that if he liked my massage technique, hers was even better.

I think it worked because in the end he said he was definitely interested in trying it again. And that was WITHOUT a happy ending! Of course the first thing I did as soon as he was out the door was call up Trina. And did she appreciate my match-making talents? NO. In fact, she was pissed and jealous. Accused me of "stealing" her man.

Let me tell ya - there is no good deed that goes unpunished. But could you imagine what would have happened if that skank Audrey had gotten her cougar paws on him first? It's a good thing she's not here because I don't think it would have made any difference to her that 1) Trina has a crush on him and 2) He's one of our vendors.

And maybe lucky for him because I think she would have scared off our delivery guy.

CJ

Close Call

Hey Guys. Sorry I haven't been around lately but things just got crazy after the whole Playboy interview thing.

As you may have noticed, I took down the links to the interview. I had to - Who on Earth would have guessed how many people listen to that show on Playboy Radio???? After I did the show last Thursday, I spent the weekend confessing (or denying as the case may be) to friends that I was on the radio.

So after a week of dealing with the fallout, I regret to announce that I will not be returning to the radio any time soon. Sorry!!! I made the final decision yesterday after a guy who I've been flirting with called me up and said "Hey... there was this chick on the satellite that sounded just like you..."

Yikes. Too close to home. WAYYYY too close.

And to make things more stressful, Audrey had some sort of family emergency last week and abruptly announced that she'll be out of town for the next month, and I'm in charge. Good news is I don't have to stare at her or put up with her bullshit for a couple weeks. Bad news is that we all have to cover her shifts.

Normally I wouldn't mind inheriting the extra business, but the problem is that Audrey's customers are notoriously cheap (and used to having their way with her). And to make it worse, I discovered just recently that she slashed her prices WITHOUT telling us. Great - now I have a whole month to deal with her cheap ass customers demanding happyendings at bargain basement prices.

But enough of my bitching. Since I've been slack at updating lately, I'll make it up to you guys by FINALLY getting around to answering all your questions and comments from the last 2 weeks.

So come on down guys! This month, all handjobs are $20 off. Just use the password "Audrey sent me."

CJ

Look Ma - I'm On The Radio!

OMG - I'm soooooooo sorry guys that I didn't give you any heads up about the whole Playboy interview thing. Everything happened so quickly that by the time I realized it was for real, I barely had enough time to mention it here.

My head is still spinning! So let me take a deep breath and tell you what happened...

OK, a couple days ago I got contacted by a woman claiming to be from Playboy Radio. I say "claiming" because I've been contacted by other people before with all sorts of weird offers. One of them was some guy claiming to represent Playboy's "Hottest Butt" contest and he wanted me to talk about it on this site. So needless to say, I'm always suspicious of anyone offering anything.

Since it was a woman who contacted me, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Turns out she was the real deal and wanted me to be interviewed on her show!!! I was in shock! I mean, it's exciting to be asked to talk on the radio, but it's also scary because I still need to stay anonymous. So we did a back and forth for a couple days before I worked up the courage to do it.

Funny thing is that I was too worked up over the interview to remember that it's exactly the kinda thing I should be talking about on the blog. Whoops. So I left a quick post and before I knew it - I was hiding in my car in the parking lot behind The Business pretending to be on a VERY long cigarette break. I figured that was easier to believe than "I need 10 minutes to reveal all our dirty little secrets nationwide on satellite radio." They asked I come on next week to actually tell some stories, so I'll probably do it again.

So what did you guys think? Can I turn this into a weekly appearance on the Today show?

CJ

PLAYBOY RADIO INTERVIEW

Hey guys,
I'm going to be interviewed on Playboy Radio! Be sure to catch me tomorrow morning at 11:30am EST on Sirius Satellite Radio Channel 99.

http://www.sirius.com/playboyradio

CJ

The Female Happy Ending

One of the interesting trends here at The Business is that we get all these new customers at the beginning of the year who are burning up gift certificates for massages that they got for Christmas. Some of them are guys whose friends got them as a (rather expensive) joke. But most of them are sweet little old ladies who got them from their loving children.

"Agnes" is a good example. She's one of my favorite customers even though she doesn't tip for the therapeutic. I like her because she swears like a sailor and has the dirtiest sense of humor. Imagine your grandmother, but with the mouth of Chris Rock. Everything is "F- this and F- that" with the occasional "N word" thrown in (yes - she's black).

I get to see her twice a year - right after Christmas and Mother's Day. Her son buys her gift certificates, and No - he's not a customer. In fact, I really doubt he knows anything about The Business, other than it's within walking distance from his mother's house.

Agnes came in Saturday for her semi-annual session and we did the typical catching up. She tells me all about what her children are up to, and the grand kids, and everyone else in her family. Then she hits me with the annual question about why I'm not married, the lack of quality "gentlemen," and why I gotta follow my dreams, etc.

Well this time we were wrapping up our standard 60 minute therapeutic session when she hits me with "Soooooo... I'm ready for my Happy Ending now."

My heart skipped a beat on that one. My therapeutic technique with her has pretty much been identical for the last couple of years, so now I'm panicking - has she heard something about The Business? "Haaa... haaa... happy ending?" I stammer. "What are you talking about?"

Now I've played dumb before, but it's usually been with guys we don't trust (or don't want to touch). Agnes really threw me a curve ball there.

"That is what you call it, isn't it?" she continued. "That bit at the end?"

I think all the blood has drained from my face at this point. "Uh... what bit?" I manage to say. I have nothing. No comeback. No witty retort. No funny punchline. Nothing. I feel like a teenager who's mother just discovered the condoms under the mattress.

"My head massage..." she explains. "It's my absolute favorite part of the massage girrrl. You should know that by now."

Oh shit - I almost forgot about that part. I always end her with a scalp and facial massage. I breathed a sigh of relief finally. "Of course Agnes! I just forgot about the clock," I lied. "I was just about to get started." I regained my composure and repositioned myself to start working her temples.

Agnes closed her yes and started making "mmmmmmm" noises as I massaged her temples and jaw line. "Mmmmmmm... I mean it's not like I have a dick you can massage now is it?... Mmmmmmm"

I lost it. How often do you get to hear an 80 year old black lady tell you she doesn't have a dick?

"I've lived in this neighborhood for 50 years. Do you really think there's something going on around here I don't know about?"

We had a good laugh - and I think I needed it after the scare she gave me. After we both stopped laughing, we talked during her "happy ending." She was kind enough not to ask me any questions about The Business. Instead she told me stories about how this place used to be a computer store, and before then an insurance agent. And before this building, there was a giant bakery here.

We went 20 minutes over, but I didn't care. It was fun just to chat. Unfortunately, not all of the seniors that come here in January are this friendly. Some are downright nasty, grumpy-ass bitches. If I get stuck with any maybe I'll share her as a new Freak of the Week.

CJ

Freak of the Week - The Solo Pornstar

Well 2010 has started off with a bang (no pun intended). After a limp first week (no pun intended), things have started to rise (no pun intended) and finally climaxed (no pun intended) with my first FOTW of the new year.

[Note: Anyone wanting to send me to a creative writing course or even just get me a textbook, please contact me.]

"Ted" is a pornstar. That is, if you define pornstar as anyone who uses a crappy cell phone to video their own handjob. And when I say "their own handjob," I mean there was no appearance of a female co-star. I know, because he insisted on showing me before our session.

"What? You wanna show me a sample of your handiwork? Sure..." It's all in a days work around here.

"This is what I want to do" he said while pointing to his camera phone. "This is the angle I want to get it at." He then looked around the room. "Can we leave the light on? It works better with the lights on."

I've done video of the happyending before, so his request isn't unique. But I feel a little uncomfortable since I've only seen this customer a couple times before. The last time he was here was around Thanksgiving (The Mother of All Massage Weekends). I vaguely remember him being a good tipper, and not asking for anything weird back then.

"I don't know Ted..." I was stalling to see if he'd sweeten the deal. His face began to sink so I added "With the lights on...?" Suddenly it brightened up again.

Now that he had taken the bait, we negotiated a deal that would make a Hollywood agent proud.

A handjob on camera
No view of my face
The Girls would make a BRIEF cameo appearance
Room lights not on, but dimmed
Option of the table lamp for close ups of the money shot
Editing rights to the final cut (I get to delete any shot I don't like)


And all this for a decent compensation package. Not exactly Angelina Jolie rates, but more Lindsey Lohan just outta rehab.

With all that foreplay out of the way, Ted had no interest in a massage and wanted to get to production right away. I dimmed the lights and stripped down to a G-string (and by that I mean I stripped nude, then found a suitable G-string in my pants pocket to put on). Ted quickly got naked and hopped on the table.

"OK," he began directing... "Bring the bottle of lube over here so I can catch you oiling up your hands."

I obeyed. Ted brought up the cameraphone right up next to my hands. I kept an eye on him to make sure he wasn't trying to get a shot of my face. He made sure he got a good close look at my oily hands. He hit the pause button, "Say a few sexy things when you start to oil me up, OK?" then back to record.

I knew exactly what kind of stuff to say. "Mmmmm Ted...you want to feel my warm hands on your cock?" Since the camera was still focused on my hands, I slowly rubbed them together so he could get a good view of the oil glistening off them. Then I slowly put my warm hands on both his dick and balls at the same time (guys love that sudden rush of sensation - especially when your hands are nice and warm).

His cock actually gave a good twitch. I took that as a good sign and began to slowly lather the oil up and down his growing shaft. "You like that? You like the way I stroke you, huh? Your cock feels sooooo good in my... "

"OH YEAH!" he barked suddenly. I mean he was LOUD. "That's it babe... Keep jerking my prick!" I was so caught off guard that I actually paused for a second. "Dont stop! Keep working my cock... Oh yeaaaaaah... jerk that thing...Grrrrrr...."

Let me pause right here to describe the scene. Ted is lying on the table and I'm on his right side. With his right hand, he's holding his cameraphone just over his belly so it's basically pointing straight down his dick. When I suggested he move the camera to his left side so he could get a good view of my stroking his cock with The Girls in the background, he said he wanted a "Point of View" video. He explained that this is where the camera angle is exactly what the viewer would see as if he were in the action.

I didn't realize porn could be so complicated. Anyway, back to our story...

"GRRRRRRR... That's it baby!... Jerk my staff!... Squeeze that dick!" At this point I started to feel like he really didn't need me there. Since his camera was pretty much zoomed in on my hand and his prick, I could see why he enjoyed taping his own handjobs. Heck, The Girls could be warmly tucked away in my hoodie for this. I was going to suggest he use his free hand to take over so I could go grab some lunch, but then I thought better of it. Besides, I didn't want to interrupt his Oscar Moment here.

"YES... OH YES... jerk my man meat..." (yes - he actually said "man meat") "... work that shaft... Grrrrrrrr... pinch my sack... Mmmmmmmm... stroke that rod... faster..."

I think he used a dozen different words to describe his dick. I'm not kidding. Looking back, it kinda felt scripted - like he's probably got a collection of these videos at home with lots of different girls.

With the cue to go faster, I knew he was almost done. I started stroking him a little faster and his dialogue trailed off to a soft "grrrrrrrr." I started to wonder if he was going to shoot cum all over his phone, when he suddenly moved it up and over his cock. So now he was looking straight down as if capturing my point of view.

"Grrrrrrr... I'm going to shoot my load baby!... Squeeze that jizz out!... Shoot that semen!... Uhhhhhhh..." Ted shot a few streams of cum on his belly. I slowed down until he was done. He stopped talking too - thank goodness Since he kept the camera hovering over his own cumshot, I took my left hand and just sort of playfully rubbed it around his belly while saying "Wow... That was a lot of cum. You made such a huge mess." Guys are just fascinated by their own loads.

Ted finally put the camera down and I cleaned him up. He just sort of lied there and sighed before thanking me for being a good "actress." I stood there in my G-string and reviewed his little porn video while he got dressed. I have to admit - he kept the camera steady. Ted kept to his word and there were no views of my face. In fact, I don't even remember seeing much of anything other than my left hand and his cock. I then quickly got dressed and walked him out.

I've done some video work in session before, but Ted definitely took it more seriously than anyone else. Now if any of you handjob afficienados out there happen to see something on "handjobs.com" that resembles what I just described, please let me know. Someone owes me a movie credit.



CJ

Confessions of the Confessor

Ya know, I've been confessing things anonymously over the internet for 2 years now. Sounds like a lot to get off my chest (no pun intended), but when I think about it, there are just so many more scandalous things I haven't even touched upon yet.

So as a Christmas present to all you wonderful people out there who have supported and cheered me on over the year, I will try to bring up topics that I was always too nervous to talk about before.

For example...for 2 years now I have never talked about the Readers who have visited the Business. Yes - there have been more than a few lucky guys out there that have successfully found me. I get requests from readers all the time about making appointments to see me, but I have always kept my rule of not seeing anyone so I could maintain my anonymousnessousness.... errrr... secret identity.

So to all those guys out there that found me - congratulations! You found The Business and never even realized it.

This is what happened... The problem I always had with talking about it was that if I mentioned on the blog that a customer asked me about a "CJ" - he would immediately know he found me just by putting 2 and 2 together. So over time I just learned to bite my tongue and never bring it up at all.

Now the first time it happened was one of the weirdest moments in my life. I had been writing this blog thing for several months. Then one day I had this guy on the table during a typical session, and he casually mentions that he's been reading this thing on the internet called "Happyendingz." Let me tell ya - my heart skipped a beat and I must have turned beat red. Thank gawd The Girls were there to distract him (they are such faithful friends). It was so strange to feel fear, surprise and pride all at the same time. I wanted to yell "THAT'S ME!!! I DID THAT!!" but I couldn't.

The next time it happened was a couple months later, but it wasn't from a customer. Now we masseuses are used to getting inquiries about other girls - it happens all the time. A guy may be looking for "Tammy... a short brunette who worked across town a couple years ago... have you seen her?" Yes, we all know other girls at other Businesses, and it's just common courtesy to tell the girl that someone is looking for them. But You NEVER tell the customer where to find someone until it's been OK'd by the girl first - Rule #1 to prevent stalkers.

Well there I was having lunch with Audrey and Cindy one day, when Audrey just happens to ask if we know a "CJ." I think Cindy and I both turned white at that one. Audrey said 3 customers had asked her that week if "CJ" worked there. We played dumb and said we had never heard of her before. But later that night we were high-fiving each other and giggling like little girls about the fact that we were now famous.

Since then Trina, Cindy and I have all had run-ins with customers asking about "CJ." I'm much better at dealing with that now, but at first it was really freaky to hear guys talking about what they've read. Now I just take it in stride. The hardest part though is not being able to take credit for it in public. I don't know how many times I just wanted to ask a customer "So what did you think of my story about...?"

Trina isn't OK with it. She still gets freaked out and nervous whenever anyone mentions it. Remember how I had to go suck up to her to get her to OK posting her pic? Cindy on the other hand thinks the whole thing is a hoot. I'm just worried that one day she'll say something stupid about how she personally knows "CJ" or even "Cindy." I swear that too much peroxide MUST do something to brain cells.

That reminds me of a funny story. I once got a customer looking for a "Cindy." Swear to gawd. At first I was confusing his questions with a real Cindy I knew from the old Business. But after a few minutes I got him to reveal that he had read about her on the internet. When I told Cindy that story, her head swelled up for about a week. Kept making jokes about her fan club and maybe doing her own spin-off blog. Unfortunately, she can't string more than 3 words together without adult supervision.

So there you have it - some of you guys out there have found me but just never realized it. LOL

I think this year for April Fools Day I'm going to get every masseuse I know to call themselves "CJ" for the day. You know what they say... The best place to hide a tree is in a forest.

CJ