Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Basic Massage Parlor Tips for Newbies

I love this time of year. The freakin snow is finally gone. The weather is getting warmer. And guys are finally coming out of winter hibernation and visiting The Business. Of course it helps that everyone is just now getting their tax refunds.

We've also seen a wave of newbies just over the last 2 weeks. I was wondering where all these new faces have been hiding and Trina half jokingly blamed my blog. Now that's an unpleasant and scary thought. I mean we could really use the business right now, but I'm still terrified of meeting guys who have found me off the internet.

Luckily, none of theses newbies have said anything. One of the first things I ask a new customer is "where did you hear about us?" Most of them either saw our recent ad in the weekly entertainment rag, or heard about us from a friend. But what I really wanted to talk about today is all the newbie mistakes they keep making! I mean it's been so bad that I didn't even offer options to a number of guys recently, and I actually had to throw two customers out!

So what I want to talk about today is...

Basic Massage Parlor Tips for Newbies

Several of my early blog posts cover this topic, but I wonder if any of you new readers have even bothered to look at the old stuff. A lot of good info in there guys. But consider today a sort of refresher.

Tip #1 - Don't ask about options on the phone.
This also applies to the front desk. I don't know how many time I've had to hang up on guys, or ask them to leave. Under no circumstances ask what's going to happen in the room - until you're in the room. Period. Don't call up and ask "Hey - how much for a handjob?" or "Can I get a happy ending here?" Our basic policy is to immediately explain that we are not that kind of place, then end the conversation.

For some of you new guys, I know it can be frustrating and intimidating not knowing if you're in an actual massage parlor or not. But this is a leap of faith that you have to make. Once in the room, your masseuse may reveal that she offers "clothing options" at the beginning of the massage (like me). If she does, then you're getting a happy ending - guaranteed. You don't need to ask! I can't say this too many times - I don't remove my top for therapeutic reasons.

If she doesn't offer to disrobe at the beginning, then she might just offer a happy ending at the very end of your session. But bringing it up outside the room is just in poor form and will probably get your ass thrown out. DON'T DO IT.

I had to throw out a couple of newbies for this just recently. These guys would not stop asking about options while standing at the front desk. If I think you're just being naive because you're new, I'll tell you to ask again in the room (HINT: If you ask about a happy ending and you DON'T get thrown out, you're gonna get a happy ending).

Tip #2 - Don't assume we're full service
Just because I'm naked and working your junk with my hands doesn't mean I'm THAT kind of girl. Hey - what do you expect? This is a MASSAGE PARLOR, not a brothel. But really, if you want to know what I am willing to do just ask. The polite way to find out if a masseuse will suck your cock is "Excuse me, but are you full service?" I am totally NOT offended by this question, and actually appreciate you bringing it up so I can talk about what I am willing to do in the room.

To be honest, it's not the assuming that really bothers me, it's when a customer immediately becomes all hands. We HATE grabby guys. I allow most customers to touch within reason, but you have to ask first. And if a newbie just won't take "no" for an answer, I'll end the session and throw his ass out.

I had to do that with a newbie last week. I don't mind a customer squeezing my ass, and will even encourage it during the happy ending (makes things go quicker). But this newbie would not stop trying to finger me. So I eventually just stopped, backed away from the table and said "we're done."

I have a 3 strikes and you're out policy. First strike is a warning. Second strike is stop touching me at all. Third strike is your ass out on the street. And this asshole had 2 warnings before I ended the session.

Tip #3 - Relax
As a newbie you may not get lucky the first time. Remember - we're as nervous around you as you are with us. We need to get a good vibe from a customer before we'll offer options. I know it doesn't help that you newbies are nervous enough already, but just relax, and be cool and you'll have a good time. At the very least, you'll get a nice relaxing massage and the promise of "more" when you come back later.

Take for example this guy who asked too many questions at the front desk. I told him to save it for the room, and he did. BUT, once in the room he was all "Will you do this?" and "How much for that?" and "What about the other girls?" I mean it starting to feel more like an interrogation than a negotiation to get his dick rubbed. I started to get a really weird vibe off the guy, so I switched over to my therapeutic mode, ended all my answers with " I've heard," and offered him NOTHING. I didn't even unzip my hoodie. Sure, I may have lost a tip but this guy totally made me nervous.

Trina said she's gotten the same 3rd degree lately. If anything you can't blame that behavior on ANY of my readers, right guys? Now go on out there and cash in those refund checks! You deserve a little treat after handing over all your money to Uncle Sam last year.

See ya this weekend!


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Business As Usual

Remember last fall when I told all you guys that the parlor crackdown would end by election day? Well I was more or less right. I mean, what's the point of raiding a place if it's too late to help anyone get re-elected?

A bunch of girls and "mama-sans" were arrested. Now they're finally making their way to court and having their wrists slapped. I'm sure most of the girls arrested will start showing up at other businesses pretty soon.

According to my customers, possibly 2 or 3 different Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) busted last year are now back up and running. I don't know if they're in the exact same locations or moved or whatever, but the rumor I hear is that the competition is back in town. And believe me - it's a lot easier to reopen than you think.

After a shutdown, the owner just pleads in court that "I had no idea" and will get the OK to start up again with the remaining girls who were NOT arrested. Then they'll just rely on Regulars for a couple months until the whole thing blows over. Heck - that's kinda what we did when the crackdown was in full swing.

Actually, let me back up and here and point out that a business isn't necessarily ordered to close it's doors AFTER a raid. Just because 2 scared girls got hauled away in handcuffs in front of a news camera in the morning for offering a handjob to an undercover cop, doesn't mean the afternoon shift gets the day off. In fact, an owner will want his place to stay open to prove to a judge later that it really is legit, and the girls who got arrested were just BAAAAAAAD girls.

My girlfriend who runs her own place was lucky enough to avoid the crackdown. But in her neck of the woods, the towns are hitting them with new ordinances to limit their hours, force inspections and review their hiring records. Basically it's the same crap they're supposed to be doing but just never botherws to. Any parlor that's halfway careful (like us) won't have any problems.

In other words, the new laws won't do shit. The girls are returning to work. The busted AMPs are reopening. And it's business as usual. Nice job guys.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Honeymoon Is Over

After weeks and weeks and weeks of getting laid on a regular basis... it looks like the honeymoon is finally over. I finally had to throw Derek's ass out. Don't get me wrong, we're not broken up or anything - I just couldn't stand him constantly parking his butt at MY place every night. I mean, it was totally convenient to have him there when I wanted to get laid (which was pretty damn often I'm embarrassed to admit, but you can't blame me after my year long dry spell) but it was the afterwards that got to me.

I've never been one for cuddling or pillow talk so it was totally irritating that he was still there in the morning. EVERY morning. Heck, I could have tolerated 4 nights a week, but he planted himself here every night about a month into the honeymoon phase.

So now he's at his place and our current agreement is 1 weekday night and 1 weekend night. Plus, I get the option of any night at his place - as long as I can tolerate his roomies . They're OK, but I'm not dating them.

But the good news is that now I'll have way more time to write! I have to admit that I kinda missed the luxury of coming home after a particularly trying day at work and have the ability to just spill my guts about it to the computer. With Derek here, I couldn't exactly do that.

But with him around all the time, I had to talk about things in a sort of coded generic way:

"Today was a waste" = tips sucked
"I'm exhausted" = Don't even think of asking for a handjob
"My 2 o'clock was a total bitch" = He tried to cum in my hair
"I need a shower" = I smell like semen
"I'm paying for drinks!" = I had a breast release today
"I'm paying for dinner!" = I had 2 breast releases, a mutual, and a foot fetish guy
"Cindy had a good day" = I could hear her fucking a guy in the room
"Maude was in a mood" = Maude was in a mood

It's amazing how writing on a regular basis about work acted as a kind of therapy for me. It calms me down, and helps me put things in perspective. I mean, there were days when I would come home literally shaking with anger, and after a few minutes of writing about it I would start to feel better. With Derek around I had to rely on a more mundane form of therapy - getting laid.

Hmmmmmmmm... type on a computer or fuck my brains out?

Oh shit... Derek - Come back!


Friday, March 4, 2011

The BFFs

This story has now taken me over a month to finish. Sorry it's taken so long, but I wanted to make sure I did it justice and didn't leave out any details. When I finally write my book on The Adventures of Aurora Sparks - Erotic Detective, I hope to incorporate it into the plot.

Last week I had one of the weirdest sessions ever. And that's saying alot considering I've had a guy almost die on me, another guy almost kill me, and people who acted out their bizarre role-playing scenarios in front of me.

I have this Regular we'll call Ernie. He's been a customer for years, and one of the steadier ones. He's in his late thirties, and never married. Local guy who works for the town or something. Nothing really weird about him. He usually takes a 45 minute session with the G-string option. And when he's feeling adventurous, he'll ask for the occasional butt release. In other words, a pretty normal client (at this point in my life, my definition of "normal" probably bears very little resemblance to most peoples).

Well during session, Ernie asks me if I've ever had a threesome. In my personal life, perhaps the occasional drunken makeout session with a girlfriend while her boyfriend watched, but nothing more. At work I've done doubles where me and a coworker take care of a customer and pretend to lez out in front of him. And then there's the occasional couple where the wife/girlfriend wants to watch or even finish off her man for me.

But Ernie wanted to know if I've ever done 2 guys. Well it's not like I've never been asked before, but it's just not the kinda thing I've seriously considered. Then the conversation got interesting. Ernie wanted to know if I'd consider having a threesome - in session. My first thought was "This would make an interesting story" so instead of my usual "I'm soooo flattered, but I'm really gonna have to pass" speech (which I reserve for all of my more enthusiastically imaginative customers), I found myself asking "So how exactly would that work?"

Now Ernie knows that I'm not full service, so doing a simultaneous fuck and suck is out of the question. And I only have 2 hands, so I can't massage 2 guys at the same time. So I was really curious about what he had in mind.

Ernie wanted me to jerk off both him and his best friend "Bert" at the same time.

Now you want to know how clueless I am? In my mind I was trying to picture how I'd position both guys on my tiny little table so I'd have a good angle to both their cocks at the same time. I'm thinking chairs and pillows to prop up legs and heads and whatever else would be hanging off the sides when Ernie enlightens me...

"Noooo... I was thinking that we would both be standing up and you'd be on your knees in front of us." Wow - that never occurred to me. He said there would be no massage, just him and his buddy getting jerked off at the same time.

I had a hundred questions swirling around my brain, but the best way to summarize all of them was "Why?" Turns out this type of happy ending is quite common in porn movies. Ernie always fantasized about this type of scenario and even went so far as to talk to his BFF Bert about it.

So let me tell you about Bert. He's also a Regular at The Business, but he's one of Trina's customers. He's older, probably late 40's. Married with kids. Stops by to see Trina once a month or so. Nice guy - got that salt and pepper thing going - kinda like a pudgy Anderson Cooper. I've never had a session with him before, but Trina says he's a good client. Apparently Bert and Ernie have known each other for a while, and it was Bert who originally turned Ernie onto The Business.

Ernie and I talked about how this could possibly work. I have to admit, I was a little intimidated about having 2 guys in the room, but professionally curious about whether I could finish 2 guys off at the same time (do I take my job seriously or what?). When I felt comfortable enough with the details of exactly how this would go down, I agreed. The session would basically be a little foreplay and then a double happy ending. No massage.

This is the kind of weird shit I don't want questions about, so I told him to bring Bert and meet me at work at the end of Thursday's night shift. I would be working by myself and Maude would be long gone. They got there on time and I locked the door and put up the "Closed" sign. Ernie and Bert hung out in the front lobby making small talk with each other while I started to turn lights off and close the drapes. I noticed how easy they seemed to be around each other.

I told them to go in my room and make themselves comfortable. Now that usually means "take off your clothes and lie on the table," but in this case, no one was getting on the table. Now 2 men giving it to 1 woman may be one of the biggest male fantasies, but when you think about it you're really just 1 woman away from a gay porn movie. So I wasn't surprised when I came in the room 5 minutes later to find 2 completely dressed men standing at opposite ends of the room.

This was supposed to be their idea, but I quickly realized it was up to me to set the mood (in this case "mood" being 2 guys getting naked and jerking it in front of each other [hey - this is their fantasy, not mine!]). I looked at each of them and said "You guys ready for this?" They both nodded and mumbled in agreement. Jeeeez - come on guys! I decided to turn on the radio and found some dance music.

I'm not a fantastic dancer by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not bad either. I may not know any stripper moves, but I do know how to shake my ass. So that's what I did. Shit - somebody had to break the ice here! To the beat of the music I unzipped my hoodie, stuck The Girls out and began to shake them. "Let's lose those shirts guys!"

That seemed to do the trick. They both laughed nervously, then finally began to get comfortable. Now if there's one thing I do know about the art of the happy ending, it's getting the man aroused as much as possible before you actually begin. And with 2 guys, I was looking at twice the effort.

With their shirts off I did a slow striptease to join them. There's no real sexy way to remove a sweatshirt, so I just pulled it off unceremoniously. But I made up for it by slowly unhooking my bra and letting it fall to the floor. I stared at them expectantly, but they still stood there with just their shirts off. "Ya know guys, it's gonna be hard for you to cum with those pants on." I was starting to think that Ernie and Bert were getting cold feet about this. Or perhaps they were just nervous about getting naked in front of each other. Either way, I had a job to do.

"Let's get this party started." And with that I dropped my pants. And that's when I realized that to perform a G-string option, I needed to be actually wearing a G-string (at work I usually just go commando since I get so many nude options). I apologized to the guys while I knelt on the floor naked and fumbled through my pants pocket for my emergency pair. I think this whole fantasy threesome of theirs wasn't exactly going as planned.

I found a G-string and slipped it on. In the meanwhile, my 2 fantasy men were still just standing there on opposite sides of the room. Well, their cocks weren't exactly going to jerk themselves off, so I decided to take matters into their own hands. "All right guys, time to get naked" I ordered. Ernie and Bert seemed to appreciate someone finally taking charge, so they complied. Then I went over to the bottle warmer and grabbed the baby oil. "Hey Ernie, put out your hand." I gave him a good squirt and ordered Ernie to get himself hard. Then I walked over to Bert and did the same thing.

Now before some of you start thinking that I was skimping on my threesome duties, let me point out that my job is get them off at the same time, not get them hard.

So picture 2 grown men facing each other in a tiny dark room, with a naked (and quite beautiful) young woman in between them - whacking off. Now things were starting to pick up. Both the guys were finally sporting good hard-ons and getting into it. Bert asked "Could you squeeze your tits for me?" Teasing is what I excel at, so I started to slowly rub my hands over my breasts.

I turned to Bert and cupped my breasts in each hand. I asked, "So is this what you guys had in mind?" His breath quickened and for a second there I thought he might lose it before I got a chance to practice my art. Hey - it wouldn't be the first time. But it did give me some ideas.

I turned to Ernie now. I lifted up my left breast and gave it a gentle little kiss. "Well? How's this for a threesome?" He nodded vigorously so I guess I was doing my part. But there was still something not quite right. Hmmmmmmmm... Could it be the fact that the bread in our CJ sandwich was still the width of the room? "Are you planning on covering me with that hot cum of yours, or just staining my carpet? Get your asses over here."

I don't usually talk like that in the bedroom, but in my session room the porn talk goes a long way in getting guys aroused. And since I was genuinely nervous about working 2 dicks at the same time, I didn't want to pull any stops. I figured teasing 2 guys is not much different than teasing 1, so I went with it.

I turned back to Bert and told him to stop being a stranger and get that "beautiful, fat cock" over here. Yes, I actually remember saying that. Sounds corny, but damn if it doesn't work. I think it does because most guys never actually get to hear things like that in their real lives.

The guys moved up to within ejaculation range, but they were on exact opposite sides of me. Now if they were planning on showing my shoulders a good time, they were in luck, but personally I thought it was rude to turn my back on one of them in order to give the other a better view of the show, so I backed up a little and asked them to sort of... "move closer together."

I swear that Bert and Ernie exchanged a nervous look. BUT... I didn't know what to make of it. All of a sudden I got this weird feeling, as if E&B were never really interested in this threesome. This left me with 2 possibilities:

1) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted the other guy to disappear, or
2) They were kinda freaked out of the reality of what was going on (2 guys jacking off in front of each other) and wanted ME to disappear.

Holy shit.

So THAT is what all this macho porno fantasy crap was all about. Well, there was only 1 way to solve this and make everyone happy. And that was to get to the double happy ending. Chances are once I got their dicks in my hands, they wouldn't care if their grandmothers were in the room, let alone another man.

I reached out and took Ernie's matters into my own hand, then Bert's. Both their expressions changed. I was finally in control of the whole situation and I think that's what they needed to finally get into things. I mean, if there's a naked girl with her hand wrapped around your cock, then anything that happens at this point must be OK, right? And if these 2 guys wanted to use me as an excuse to see each other having a good time, then who was I to argue.?

Bert was in my left hand (lucky guy since I jerk left handed) and Ernie was in my right (not so lucky). They were already hard and nicely lubed. And thanks to my amazing skills of seduction, they were almost ready to cum. Have you ever worked 2 dicks at the same time? It's a lot harder than it looks, isn't it? My hats off to all those porn starlets out there who have to do this for a living. It's the timing - it's really tough to do different things with each hand at the same time.

So I was doing the easiest thing, which was working them with the exact same rhythm and stroke - and that was the problem. Each man is different and requires a specific rhythm and technique, and I need to read the guy to get it just right. Working two at the same time and trying to read both of them was rough. I ended up averaging it out and hoping for the best.

I started to work both their shafts in long strokes. On my knees their cocks were more or less at neck level. I took turns looking up into each of their faces. Eye contact is an easy way to heighten arousal and check to see how you're doing. Ernie had this look that was sort of a cross between amazement and disbelief. Couldn't blame him - I was kinda feeling that way too. I blew him a little kiss then turned my attention to Bert. The look on his face was sort of a... hey Bert - my eyes are over here! Stop looking at...


Naked woman on her knees with your cock in her hand TRYING to make you cum and you're looking at your buddy? I didn't quite know how to react. I mean, I'm not exactly used to NOT having a guys undivided attention. But at least now I've figured out what the real story is.

So the question now is how am I going to make everyone happy? And at the same time! I do a quick mental inventory of what I have to work with. Let's see... I have 1 guy who's getting off on me, and another who's getting off on him getting off on me. I think I can make this work.

The key is to get Ernie off first. If he cums, then I figure Bert would be quick to follow. I turn my attention back to Ernie and concentrate on his cock. Too bad for him since he's on my right side and I tend to work left handed.

I make eye contact with him and begin to concentrate on his happy ending. I have a sort of mental checklist whenever I'm about to end a session. You gauge his arousal based on the hardness of his cock, his breathing, his facial expression, etc. Ernie is almost there, so I start stroking a little faster.

Have you ever noticed that when you try to do two things at the same time with your hands that they tend to mirror each other? Well Bert was getting exactly what Ernie was getting, whether he liked it or not.

Ernie's breathing started to quicken and I could feel his dick hardening in my hand. There's this point right before a guy cums where his dick gets super hard - another thing I look for on my checklist. With both hands busy, I couldn't up my game by massaging his balls, or caressing my breasts. So I gave him a serious look and began to slowly lick my lips. That got a loud moan out of him (moaning - check). Now to seal the deal.

I add a little twist to my strokes. This changes the sensation just enough for Ernie to moan again. I slowly point his dick away from my neck and down towards my breast when I feel the first splashes of hot semen... on my left ear.

Holy shit - I had forgotten about Bert. Well, as much as you can forget the other naked man in the room who's penis is in your left hand.

The human body is a funny thing. When it's expecting one thing and gets something else, it doesn't really want to accept the something else and will ignore it as long as possible. That's what happened when Bert came on the left side of my face. I was fully expecting to feel the sensation of hot fluid on my right breast, so when my brain began to report exactly that but from my left ear, I was already half way through my "Oh yes!" when my neck involuntarily turned my head to the left to let it know what the heck was really going on.

My "Oh yes!" was in the process of turning into a "What the fuck?" but ended up sounding like "Oh yea...whaaaaaa...?" when another load of cum hit me square in the nose. Let me tell ya that nothing ruins your concentration more than a shot of hot cum on the nose.

Abruptly, both handjobs came to an end as my brain began to catch up with what was really going on. Let's see... Left ear (check)... nose (check)... hair (oh shit!). I don't believe that Bert actually came unexpectedly. And he got it in my hair! The nose thing doesn't bother me nearly as much since I can just wipe that off. But getting cum out of hair is a pain in the ass. Now I'll have to completely wash my hair at work. And it's going to take forever to dry. And then I'll have to...

"Holy fuck I'm coming!" exclaims Ernie. Apparently my little shock and meltdown didn't slow him one bit. He had taken matters into his own hands and was apparently turned on by the accidental facial. I look over and realize he's not facing me any more - In all the excitement, he had turned and was facing Bert. And that's when the second most surprising cumshot of the evening occurred.

When I say "surprise" it's not because I wasn't expecting it. Oh no. I say "surprise" because Bert wasn't expecting it. At least not expecting to be on the receiving end. With a few good strong pumps of his fist, Ernie had managed to shoot a couple large wads of jizz right past my cumstained nose and onto Bert's cock and legs.

Was it intentional, or during all the excitement did he just turn by accident? Or was it just a case of really bad aim? I don't know. But I thought that the absurdity of the moment was perfectly captured in words by Bert. He said "Dude?"

Then things got quiet as all three of us tried to process what had just happened. I'm on my knees with Bert's cock in my left hand. I have his fresh cum dripping off the left side of my face and onto my chest. Ernie's standing over me with a stunned look on his face while holding onto his own spent dick. Meanwhile Bert's looking very confused with Ernie's cum dripping off his own cock (and my hand!).

I slowly peel my hand free from the sticky mess that is Bert's groin, and I notice that I'm more bothered by this twisted exchange of bodily fluids than anyone else in the room. OK, if you two lovebirds wanted to slime each other, you really could have done it in the privacy of your own homes without me getting caught in the crossfire. But if in some strange way I've brought you two together under the guise of "threesome porn fantasy" then more power to ya. I've said it before and I'll say it again - guys are so strange.

With the left side of my face and hair a total sticky disaster, I jumped straight into the shower. As I was turning on the water, I just sort of yelled some directions over my shoulder on where the guys could grab some towels to clean themselves up. I was never one for pillow talk, so after what just happened I doubted they even noticed I was gone. Hell, Ernie could have been licking Bert clean for all I knew. I was too busy lathering my hair and wondering if Trina had a hair dryer in her room.

When I was done, dry and clothed I found the guys standing out in the lobby - smoking. Normally I would have thrown a shit fit and threw their asses out, but all I could manage to do was ask to bum one off them. Shit - we had all earned it. I figured I could just spray a ton of air freshener afterward and pray Maude didn't notice in the morning.

And that my friends is the most interesting thing that's happened at work in 2011. Needless to say, the bar has been set incredibly high and there's no where to go from here but back to dullville. Now the most interesting thing that's happened outside of work in 2011 took place later that night when Derek called and asked me "So how was work?"

I said "fine."


Originally, I was gonna do this story as a Freak of the Week, but after thinking about it I realized I had a soft spot for these guys and what happened. And in a weird way (and I mean that in every sense of the term) I'm actually kinda glad that I was there for them. Or not for them as the case may be.