Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Well Maude starts this week. I haven't met this sister, but if she's nothing like her slutty baby sister, then we'll be just fine. To refresh your memories, Maude is coming in to basically replace Audrey in a sort of office manager/cleaning lady kinda way. AND she gets to keep her clothes on while doing it.

When I had the blowup with the boss a couple weeks ago, it was because she said the skank ho sister was coming in to run the place. That little whore worked here for a short time a few years ago. And when I say "short" I mean we had to go to Audrey and demand that she get rid of her immediately before The Business went down in flames. Let me explain...

Slutzilla (as we affectionately called her) got a job from Audrey as a huge favor. She was basically useless and had no job (like everyone else in that trailer park they call a family), so Audrey gave her one out of pity I guess. And let me tell you - we all learned how useless she was almost immediately. Sat around and did nothing all day but talk on her phone and wait for us to give her customers. And when she did get one, he pretty much complained later what an awful session he had.

Then it dawned on Slutzilla how to improve her customer service skills. She discovered that a really bad massage could easily be remedied with a quick blowjob. In fact, why waste time on a massage at all when you can just fuck the guy and pocket the tip in a fraction of the time?
I am not kidding you when I say that she became an overnight success. One day no one knew her name - the next day the phone was ringing off the hook for her. She was getting tons of really short (15-30 minute) appointments. We were all shocked at first, then quickly suspicious. All the signs were there of a full service traitor: the short sessions, the instant popularity, and the wave of newbies. There's a saying in our business - if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a whore.

So I asked one of my Regulars to do some undercover detective work for me by taking a session with her and then reporting back. He confirmed all our suspicions - as soon as he was in the room, Slutzilla basically offered him the old suck-n-fuck.

[At this point in the story, you're probably wondering how I could force a loyal Regular of mine to go see if he could fuck my co-worker. I felt very guilty about making him take one for the team, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.]

We immediately went to Audrey and told her everything. At first she didn't believe us, but eventually she admitted that even some of her Regulars had mysteriously disappeared. Now that's saying a lot because her Regulars were already getting blowjobs, so I can only assume that Sluttzilla was either better at it, lower priced, or both.

Well Audrey confronted her little sister and pretty much fired her on the spot. Some of you are probably shaking your heads and wondering why we would get rid of a girl who was bringing in tons of new business by giving the customers what they want. Yes, she was bringing them in, but it was the wrong kind of customer and the wrong kind of business.

The "perfect" customer is a Regular that you know and trust to provide steady business. A flood of newbies makes you nervous because you have to wonder why there's suddenly so much interest. Have the cops noticed? Are local drug dealers trying to recruit since parlors are notorious for druggies? Are the other businesses in the building complaining to the landlord about the packed parking lot? And to make things worse, when a single girl goes full service - it takes away business from all the other girls. I think that was the biggest reason why Audrey fired her on the spot.

A true massage parlor has to walk a line between being legit and being a brothel. As long as we occupy that gray area in between we'll stay off everyone's radar screen. But considering that the number of raided parlors has now increased to SEVEN, the last thing we can afford right now is a girl that's just gonna cause trouble.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Freak of the Week - Erection Man

OK... all this talk about old dudes is getting me hot. Just kidding! But it did remind me of a guy who qualified for FOTW status. This was like 2 or 3 months ago, but I'm still laughing about it today. Mind you - I wasn't laughing when it happened.

I have this Regular that we'll call "Rod" (get it?). Rod's not a frequent regular, but he drops in every couple of months. He's about 50 and seems to be more or less a normal kind of guy. His sessions are typical (30 minute G-string), and he's never asked for any extras (breast release, doubles, etc). Just a regular kinda customer that you don't mind seeing.

Well he came in a couple months ago and I'll never forget - he was grinning from ear to ear. "Hey CJ, I got a surprise for you today."

"Is it pizza? I haven't had lunch yet."

"No... You'll see!"

Well I get Rod in the room, and he practically tears his clothes off. Before I can even ask him if he wants the usual, he proudly announces "Ta da! Well, what do you think?"

Standing before me is a naked 50 year old man. So between the beer belly, the balding head, and the excess body hair, I'm not sure where to start. However, being a master of polite conversation (a necessary skill in this business) I come up with "Wow - you lost weight!"

This caught him a little off guard. Probably because it wasn't what he expected, but a compliment just the same. "Uhhh... Yeah. But no," he says while pointing between his legs, "I mean this!"

Look, I see hard-ons all day long. It's part of my job description, so seeing a guy with one doesn't even register with me anymore. "Hey that's great... so you're ready to go then? On the table Rod, let's go."

Since I'm just not getting it, he starts to point frantically at his dick. "CJ..." he lowers his voice to a whisper "... it's Viagra."

"OH. Okaaaaaaay." This really did surprise me since I don't remember Rod having any problems before. But now I don't know what to do with it. I mean I KNOW what to do with it, but I usually save that for the end. I really don't have any use for it right now. But I guess it's the thought that counts, right?

Now if there's one thing I've learned about customer service over the years, it's that guys love to have their stuff admired. So I have a whole laundry list of generic compliments that I use to brighten up a guys day:

It's so big!
I'll need both hands for this one
Wow you're hard
You have a great looking dick
It feels so good in my hands
I'm gonna have to charge you extra

... and for guys with small dicks...
It's perfect for anal

So for all you guys out there who've heard these lines before - I'm sorry.

Anyway, I told Rod that the Viagra is obviously working (what else could I say?) and to get his raging manliness on the table. And that's when the problems started. Turns out his erection made it uncomfortable for him to lie on his stomach.

Oh he thought it was kinda funny at first, but after a few minutes he started squirming. He tried raising his hips a little, but then that became uncomfortable too. So eventually I wrapped up the back and legs quickly just to get him flipped over.

And there it was in all it's glory - Rods rod standing at full attention. Since I had time to kill before the happy ending, I paid extra attention to his chest and legs. I think even Rod started to see that his pharmaceutical enhancement was overkill. Well what did he expect? Viagra's made for fucking - not a 2 minute hand release.

Finally we came to the moment of truth - the moment that Rod had been preparing for all day. The moment someone would finally get to his artificially induced hard-on and give it a test spin. Well I have to admit that it was pretty damn hard. Could I tell it wasn't natural? Not really. The only odd thing was that it had lost some sensitivity - but that was probably because it had been rubbing against the massage table earlier.

I started to work him, and Rod admitted that it felt a little funny and asked for me to go easy. I used a lot of lube and kept the pressure low. He lasted a full 5 minutes before he finally came. If there's 1 thing Viagra doesn't do, it's make your load bigger because he only dribbled a little bit.

Looking back I suspect that Rod had already taken his woody for a test spin before he came to session. That would explain why he was hard the entire time, was overly sensitive, and shot a small load. Hopefully he'll leave the pills at home next time - you won't need them with CJ on the job.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Happy Fathers Day!

Hey guys, I have a quick update for you that I didn't know whether to call a Freak of the Week, or not. I'll let you decide.

As you know, we are under DefCon 11, or whatever the highest one is. Someone told me it's 1, but that just doesn't seem to capture the paranoia we're all feeling here at The Business. Another Asian Massage Parlor (AMP) got busted 2 weeks ago. Good news and bad news as far as I'm concerned, but still bad enough to keep us on our guard.

So under DefCon 11, all new customers are therapeutic massages only. Well, a Regular of mine asked me for a special favor last week. He wanted to get his dad a "genuine happy ending massage" for Fathers Day. In other words, he's giving his dad a handjob. Technically speaking. At least it makes me and the other girls snicker when we say it that way.

How could I say no? I mean under the conditions it's OK. So do you guys out there consider the son as a candidate for FOTW or the coolest son ever? If anything, it just shows they're a VERY close family.

So the guy bought him a gift certificate (yes - we have gift certificates and you'd be surprised how many we actually sell in a month) for enough to guarantee I'd show him a "good time." But not too good because he's over 70 and hasn't been with a woman since the mom died a number of years ago.

"Mort" as I'll call him since that's a real Dad kinda name, stopped by Monday night. I guess that gift certificate was burning a hole in his pocket.

I wonder what the card said?

Anyway, Mort was easily 75. Moved slowly and was quietly spoken. Sweet old guy and not the dirty old man type. Mort came in and asked for me before handing over the certificate.

"My boy said you were the best and you'd make me feel like a million bucks."

Ya ever notice how nicely seniors talk? I mean that was probably the sweetest thing anyone has said to me all week.

I asked him if he's ever had an erotic massage before and he said no. So I gave him rather explicit instructions for a newbie since I assumed his son filled him in on the REAL gift - "assume" being the operative word here.

"Uhhhhhh... I don't know really. He just said you'd 'take care' of me. Wink wink." Then he grinned, showing me his beautiful dentures.

"OK, Mort. Just lie back and relax. I'm gonna take care of you." I turned the lights down and moved close to the table to make sure he would get a good look at me undressing. His son wanted "the works" so I wasn't going to skimp any. I figured they'd compare notes later, so I better make this memorable.

Mort said "Ohhhhhh... You are beautiful" in a way that hinted he knew what was coming. I was just hoping he didn't have to strain his eyes too much under that dim lighting. I had him roll on his stomach and I proceeded to do a thorough job of his back and legs. With older customers, you really have to be careful around their back and joints. The massage uses a more gentle technique that focuses on caressing and not deep pressure. You also need massage oils that won't irritate delicate skin.

Well, Mort was loving all of it. He really didn't say much during the massage, but he made lots of happy noises. When I finally told him to flip over, he almost sounded sorry. I assured him that the best part was yet to come (no pun intended). But then he made a little joke about how I did such a good job that he should return the favor. So I told him "OK."

I swear to you, I think he had a tiny stroke when I said that because his mouth just kinda froze in place and he stammered a few times. I told him It's OK and that it's all about him on Fathers Day. So we switched places and I let Mort massage my back and legs. Let me tell ya - Mort was so cute. He actually wrapped a towel around his waist so I wouldn't be "blinded" by his butt.

Mort was sooooooooo gentle. I could tell he really was nervous and obviously hadn't touched a woman in a while. It was almost like he thought I would break. I had to tell him a couple times that it was OK to use more pressure, especially in my shoulders. I got bored quickly when he worked on my legs so I let him go a few minutes and made a few "mmmmm" noises to make him think he was doing a good job.

Then I rolled on to my back.

Mort just kinda stared at me and The Girls for a few moments. Then at The Girls for a bit. Then back to me as if asking "now what do I do?" Heck - he was so gentle with my back I figured he'd be safe to trust with The Girls.

Boy was I right.

I gave him the OK to massage The Girls and you'd think he was a kid in a candy store. He oiled them up nicely and did a series of gentle circular motions around them - starting around my armpits, moving underneath them, then slowly up the middle of my chest and ending just above the pecs. It was HEAVEN.

During most mutuals, guys just want to grab and pinch - that's why I don't like offering them anymore. It's only once in a blue moon you find a guy who actually knows his way around breasts. Mort was that guy.

I let Mort go to town for a while since we were both enjoying it. It's times like that when I can't believe I get paid to do this. After a long while of being totally selfish, I finally (and reluctantly) told Mort it was time for his happy ending.

I got him back on the massage table and proceeded with the hand release. Mort had some difficulty getting excited and he wasn't quite fully erect when he came. At least he was able to finish though - I've had some old timers who take forever.

And that is my story of what may be the oddest Fathers Day gift ever. Sure beats a tie and bad cologne.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Tales of an Ugly Stepsister

OK - I'm back. Things have finally settled down, but OH THE DRAMA. I guess Audrey and I needed to have it out. We may have had a few disagreements in the past ("You stole my customer!", "I need you to work Saturday," "Why is my keyboard sticky?" etc.) but we do agree on one thing - the Business could use some extra help.

Now I'm not talking about another masseuse. I'm talking about someone to take care of all the non-handjob related stuff around here (this business ain't all glamour ya know).

So this is where another member of the Audrey Clan comes in. This time it's the older sister (and in this story I'm Cinderalla of course). Turns out that Audrey is the only "success" story in that family - being a genuine business owner and all. There are other bizarre members of Audrey's family I could talk about, but that's one trailer park I don't want to empty out just yet.

I'll affectionately refer to my new co-worker as "Maude." And I say co-worker, because technically she won't be telling us how to do our jobs. I'll still be in charge of schedule, but Maude will be a sort of Office Manager I suppose. She'll answer the phones, schedule appointments, order supplies, and clean the place. I think Audrey's doing it this way just to give Maude a source of income.

And don't worry - there's no secret plan for her to start stealing our customers. If you saw her you'd know why. She's around 50, short and very heavy set. The word "plumb" comes to mind when describing her. You wouldn't want to see her topless, let alone handling your junk.

She's supposed to start in a couple of weeks. I guess she's waiting to put the wheels on her place and get it towed over to this side of the Poconos. I'm not holding my breath over it since she may be a fuck up just like everyone else in that family.

Now thinking back to when Audrey and I had our fight, she did say that she was going to put her little sister in charge. Turns out she meant it only as a threat. Even Audrey's not that stupid. But I can talk more about that train wreck later.

And in case you were wondering, during my week off, I actually did 2 nights in my new gig as a bartender. Let me tell ya - that work is HARD. You bust your ass, break a sweat, stain your clothes and come home smelling like beer. But I have to admit that it was kinda fun flirting with customers and cracking jokes and stuff.

I had a couple of drunken college boys daring me to "... show us your tits!" I looked them right in the eye and said "Sure. $80." I think my dead serious tone of voice shut them up. The funny thing is that I wanted to add "... G-string is $120 and nude is $150."

If they only knew.


Monday, June 14, 2010

I'm back

And I haven't quit (yet). The short story is that I finally got around to talking to Audrey and we came to an "arrangement." We both agreed that The Business needs some real management, but her slutty baby sister is not what we would call management material. So Audrey's older sister is coming in to manage us. She won't do any massage - just answer the phones, order toilet paper, and keep the place clean.

Long story to follow...


Sunday, June 6, 2010

That motherfucking bitch audrey. I've had it up to here with her shit. After we argued about me closing the business for memorial day, she calls me up tonight and tells me that she's making her little skank sister the new manager. Well fuck her. Fuck that slut sister. And fuck the business.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Memorial Day and Dicks - 2 Great Things That Do Not Go Great Together

I had another knock-down, drag-out fight with Audrey over the weekend. We were catching up on how things are going at The Business when she asked who was working Memorial Day. When I told her no one is working, she blew up on me.

If Thanksgiving is the Mother of all massage weekends, then Memorial Day is the red-headed bastard stepchild. Unlike Thanksgiving, there are no herds of single guys driving 6 hours cross country to get to Grandma's house for dinner. Instead, carloads of families are driving 1 hour to get to Aunties house for BBQ. So it's absolutely dead here. Why would I make anyone stay?

But Audrey would always insist on working this weekend - and dragging one of us along with her for what turns into an exercise in humiliation. You see, the only customers who bother to show up at times like this are Audrey's Regulars. So we'll sit there all day watching Audrey take every customer who walks through that door. Once you've heard "oh he's one of mine" for the 6th time in a row, you're ready to scream.

Now that Audrey's Regulars have either settled on one of us, or left all together, there are few surprise walk-ins left. And that's why I decided to close The Business on Monday. But Queen Bitch didn't agree, so she yelled at me until I suggested that there's nothing preventing her lazy ass from coming in here and working that day. She DID NOT find that amusing and promptly hung up on me.


Since that story was kind of a bummer, I thought I'd leave you with this one instead. In response to one your intelligent and thought provoking questions from last week, I will describe the weirdest penises I've ever seen.

Big Balls
The one that I will never forget was actually perfectly normal in appearance. It was his balls that were shocking. I swear to Gawd they were the size of grapefruits. EACH ONE. The guy must have been 300 pounds, so you couldn't tell he was packing those melons just by looking at him. But when he got up on that table, my jaw just dropped open. His dick looked like a twig sticking out of a pumpkin patch!

The Puffy Dick,
Probably the most bizarre dick I've ever seen was uncircumcised. It wasn't the foreskin that was weird, it was all of the skin - puffy and swollen looking. Made his dick look like a raw Italian sausage that had been left out in the sun for a week. Turns out he wasn't diseased or anything, it was just the way his dick has always looked - discolored in a really disgusting unfortunate kinda way. Definitely the kinda guy you need to fuck in the dark.

Mr. Perfect
And lastly, I have to tell you about the most memorable cock I've ever had the pleasure to meet. This guy had the absolutely most beautiful dick I've ever seen.

It was BIG - but not in the "you're gonna stick that WHERE?" kinda way. The length to girth ratio was so perfect that if he were my boyfriend I would have run out of the room and started high-fiving total strangers while yelling "cha-ching!" The shaft was perfectly smooth with no weird veins popping out - perfect for stroking. And the head was nicely rounded with that extra bit of width that makes the initial insertion unbearably intense yet oh-so-nice.

I'm getting chills just thinking about him.

Now what made him so memorable (and freaky) was the fact that this most perfect of penises was attached to a 70 year old man. I found myself both repulsed and intrigued at the same time. I guess the best way I could describe this feeling to my male readers out there would be to imagine a 70 year old woman with a fantastic boob job.

And with that image in your heads for the weekend, I will bid you......... toodles.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Freak of the Week - The Wife

I was inspired last week by the Q&A to tell some jealous wife stories. It's never fun to have to deal with them. Luckily, most of my encounters are over the phone, but occasionally one will actually come in to see for herself what her husband is spending all his money on.

It usually happens after the wife gets hold of the credit card statement because we do not issue receipts unless requested (business guys do this when they can expense us as "client entertainment"). The inevitable phone call usually goes something like this:

Me: "Thank you for calling The Business. How can I help you?"
Angry Wife: "What kind of place is this?!"
Me: "This is a day spa ma'am. We offer tanning services and therapeutic massage therapy."

I've gotten this kind of call often enough that I know when it's time to switch to Legit Mode. This little script of mine usually throws them off for 3 reasons:

1) They were really expecting me to say "Haroooow. Bang-COCK spa. We wuv yoo long time."
2) They can't picture their spouse needing a tan or a massage.
3) They are turned on by the idea of a tan and massage, and secretly hope their husband was buying them a gift certificate (or several gift certificates over the span of 4 weeks according to the credit card statement).

So if I haven't thrown them off their husbands scent already, they'll continue the interrogation. "So what on Earth costs "$200 there?!"

I want to say "Me naked on the table with my tits wrapped around your husbands cock" but instead I usually say "The 90 minute get-away tan and relaxation package." Then I pray that the poor sap of a husband is smart enough go with this and make it sound believable. More than once I've been able to parlay this into an emergency gift certificate - basically doubling the cost of the original handjob under investigation.

Then there are the women who actually come find us. I've been fortunate enough to convince most of them that we're legit. Whenever I've had an obviously angry wife standing at the counter, I've just put on my business face and given them the quick tour like she's a new customer to prove we have a real tanning bed and massage tables.

For most of these women, the only concept they have of a "massage parlor" they probably got from bad late-night Cinemax movies. So they're expecting to see stained mattresses, red lights, bead curtains, and a hostess in sleazy lingerie. They are not expecting aromatherapy candles, Enya music, a complete line of tanning products for sale, and me in my polo shirt and khaki's.

I've only had 1 really angry wife who didn't believe a word I said and demanded to see our logbooks. I told her that's private customer business and I can't do that, etc. Eventually she left, but I think there was going to be one unhappy husband that night.

Now Audrey's the one who got it bad one day. She once got a wife that basically knew what her husband was up to and wanted to find the "whore" he was doing it with. At this point whenever I get an angry phone caller looking for "That Whore" I usually just forward her to Audrey.

This woman was out of control. She was screaming and yelling and threatening to sue us and call the police. Eventually, we were able to get her out the door. Then as a final bit of revenge on Audrey, she started to key what she presumed was Audrey's car out in the parking lot.

She presumed wrong.

Luckily it wasn't mine either! In fact, I'm not sure we ever figured out who's car it was.

And that's it for wife stories. Now I know what the first question will be, so I will save you the time and answer it right now.

Yes - I have had a customer's wife as a customer. After a guy does a really convincing song and dance to his wife about how badly he needed "therapy" for his back after lifting that box at work, the wife sometimes gets intrigued enough to check us out for herself. Of course the guy is usually shitting a brick when I'm taking care of his wife, but I'm 100% business when I need to be.

And when she comes home in a good mood after her massage, the husband realizes he has a free pass to come back whenever he wants. It's a win-win for everyone!