Thursday, October 28, 2010

Anatomy of a Raid

I've never been in a raid myself, but I know quite a few girls who have. So here's what I know and heard.

Before ending up here at The Business, I worked at a place that had recently been taken over by a new owner. This guy has no idea what he was doing and instead of acting like a manager, he acted like a pimp. Not only did he not mind the girls doing full service in session, he actually encouraged it. So the place basically went from massage parlor to brothel overnight. And when this asshole told us we had to fuck him to keep our jobs - most of us quit.

That place got raided about a couple months later. Not because any of us squealed on him, but because his business began to attract the wrong kind of customer. That's one of the main differences between the clientele of a massage parlor and a brothel. In a parlor, the customers are mostly guys who are just thrilled to see some boobies and get a handjob. In a brothel, you'll get criminals spending their latest haul, and drug dealers looking to score a few new customers.

So to answer some of your questions, yes the cops do come in with guns drawn and making a lot of noise. This is for 2 reasons. First, they want everyone in the building to know that this is a raid and not a robbery. So anyone packing (and I will neither confirm nor deny whether we typically pack or not) will think twice before reaching for their own stuff. And second, they need to protect themselves just in case someone is dumb enough to pull a weapon (ya never know if that big spender you just had in session got all his money from knocking over a liquor store).

Raids happen super fast. They have to if they want to actually catch anyone in the act. Unlike a drug bust, we don't have any evidence that can be instantly flushed down a toilet. Instead, they want to catch the girls (and guys) naked in session. That way they can at least get you for public lewdness/indecency/etc. for having 2 naked bodies in the same room. Judges don't tend to buy the "...but she was topless for therapeutic reasons!" defense. Believe it or not, they go for the lesser charge of indecency because it's hard to get the charge of solicitation to stick. Mainly due to lack of evidence.

Now before some of you start crying "bullshit" because you read in the paper that the girls in a raid were all charged with prostitution - that's because they had all solicited undercover cops before the raid even started. Unless they have on camera a guy offering money for sex, there's no evidence to prove anything. There can be a pile of money on the counter, a guy tied to a bed with a gag in his mouth and a dildo up his ass, and a trashcan full of used condoms - there's no real evidence of prostitution. My friends that have been caught up in raids all had those charges thrown out in court.

HOWEVER... that doesn't mean that no one's going to jail. With enough "prostitution paraphernalia" lying around, they can usually bust the owner for running a house of "ill repute." The girls can all be arrested and have the shit scared out of them. And depending on the true nature of the raid, the customers may or may not be dragged through the streets for all the neighbors to see. At the very least, the guys will be questioned and released with the promise to never show their penises in public again. At worst, they'll be actually arrested and charged with public lewdness, with their names sent to the local paper.

That's exactly what happened around here a number a years ago. A place got raided not for the girls, but for the high-profile customers. No one famous, but a couple of business-owners and community-leader types. We all guessed they had a few enemies looking to take them down.

As for the businesses themselves - this is a free country and there is no law against offering massage services to the public. The cops can't confiscate your building. In fact, one of the first AMPs to be busted a year ago petitioned to reopen shortly afterwards. The owners reasoning - "I didn't know the girls were all illegal immigrants from Korea having sex for money." So if the place doesn't reopen under a different name, it'll probably just pack up and move across town.

Now why would anyone running an illegal business want to stay in the exact same notorious spot you may ask? For the same reason any good business would - location, location, location. If you've spent a few years building up a clientele at that address, why confuse anyone by moving it? Face it - EVERY town has 'that place" that's rumored to be a brothel/parlor/crackhouse/etc. And notoriety is the kind of advertising that money can't buy. So if you can't reopen at your old address, someone else will.

So if we're taken down tomorrow, chances are I'd post bail and be on my computer telling you all about it that night. Or maybe not since the DOJ is monitoring this website.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Too Close For Comfort

Wow - what a week.

9 parlors taken down. 8 of those were in a neighboring county just over the weekend. Busy week for law enforcement and bad news for working girls. However, since all of them were Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs), I don't feel too badly.

I tnink this pretty much illustrates what I've been saying all along about the elections. Everyone who's in office and wants to stay there will take credit for being "tough on crime" at the expense of some poor girl trying to work off her debt to her mafia owners. These raids are the kind of thing that the local news loves since they combine everything that makes for great TV:

Organized Crime
Disgraced husbands walking with coats over their heads
Frowning girls with no makeup

Hey guys - you wanna get tough on crime? How about fixing downtown so I can walk down the sidewalk after 8pm without getting robbed? Sorry - but that kind of cleanup can't be done before voting day.

Am I getting bothered by all this? Oh yeah. It's starting to make me nervous again - especially since I thought we were in the clear. We've been seeing newbies for a couple months now, and even I'm wondering if maybe we should lay low till next week.

Speaking of which, I have a girlfriend who owns a business near where they busted those 8 parlors over the weekend. I mentioned her before - she offered me a job a couple years ago when I was tired of Audrey's bullshit. Anyway, I called her up as soon as I heard. She was pretty much hiding under a rock when I called. They're more or less shut down, simply because she can't get anyone to come to work, let alone answer the phone. Not that she wants to go to work! She's scared to death to drive anywhere near that place right now.

We talked for over an hour and I filled her in on what's been happening out here, since we've been the center of the crackdown for over a year now. I suggested that she do what we did - just stop taking new customers for a couple of months. Period. End of story. She thought that was crazy and none of the girls would go for it. But I said what better way to guarantee no narcs than only taking Regulars?

We also swapped a few tips on keeping ourselves safe in this environment. However, I would still bet money that the crackdown fades away in a couple of weeks. And another thing I'd like to point out - out of the 2 dozen places raided over the past year, only 2 of them were good old fashioned American massage parlors. It must take a LOT of complaints before the cops are forced to take one down. Just goes to show that they really don't care about business such as ours, until they're noticed by too many people.

Now if I go suddenly off the air without a trace, then we'll both know that I was completely and utterly full of shit!


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Confessions of an Erotic Reporter - A Happyendingz Exclusive

Hey guys - you're not gonna believe this, but I got an exclusive interview with one of the girls who used to work at the parlor that got shut down last month. And even more unbelievable, it's courtesy of Audrey.

Apparently "Crystal" just started looking for a job and got Audrey's number. They spoke for a bit because Audrey is considering hiring another girl. Personally I don't think we need the help. The 3 of us are fine with the number of sessions we're currently doing, but Audrey is so greedy that the thought of losing a single customer because he couldn't wait 30 minutes between sessions just eats her up. Who cares if a 2nd girl has to sit around for 6 hours waiting for that to happen, as long as Audrey gets that door fee.

But I digress.

Anyway, Audrey called me up and asked "You want to talk to this girl? She's from that place that just got raided." Well of course I wanted to talk to her! The blog aside, I wanted to know what happened just out of professional curiosity. Whatever we can learn from their mistakes, right?

So Audrey put me in contact with her, with the promise that I had to see if she'd be a good fit. I told Trina and Cindy too and they wanted to know all the details when I was done.

Crystal worked at the other place on and off over the past year. She only covered 2 shifts per week and was not officially on the books. This is probably why she got lucky and slipped under the radar screens during the raid. In PA parlors it's not uncommon to have girls working under the table since the only staff you can legally have must be licensed massage therapists. For example, Cindy is not officially on our payroll. There are loopholes in the laws concerning training, experience, etc., but I won't bore you here with it. Enough to say that the new laws are designed to weed out the full service massage parlors.

According to Crystal, there were a couple other part time girls who also avoided the raid, but they have sworn off the massage business for now. The crackdown really has made a lot of local girls nervous about working.

Crystal is what I like to call "Half Service." She'll do an oral release in session (with condom) but won't do actual sex. She saves full service for a limited number of customers she only sees outside of work. Because she wasn't full service, she was scheduled to just help out on a couple of shifts per week. I explained to her that we're not full service and she said she was cool with that. I also mentioned that part time availability is fine since we're not busy enough for a full time hire (which is true).

I asked Crystal if she's heard any news or spoken to any of the other girls recently. The others who weren't caught in the raid are laying really low for now - afraid that the ones who got arrested will turn on them for the prosecutors. Apart from that bit of news, she's avoiding that part of town like the plague.

Now the danger of hiring a girl like Crystal is if her name ever comes up in the investigation of the other parlor, they may eventually track her down over here. And THAT is the kind of publicity we can't afford.

I asked if she had any idea they were about to get raided. She said apart from the stories in the paper about the crackdown, she wasn't expecting it. They thought they were careful, and they thought they had people looking out for them. Oh well - just because you have a couple local cops as customers doesn't mean the state won't target you. Especially in an election year! Speaking of which, I'll bet money that the crackdown will miraculously end this month. That's local politics for ya.

And lastly for the heck of it, I ended our interview with "So Crystal... have you had any customers lately looking for a girl named 'CJ?'" She said "no" and I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed.

When we were done on the phone, I told her Audrey will be in touch if we decide to hire her. She actually seemed nice enough - especially if she only wanted a couple of shifts. But with the crackdown going on, she may be too hot to handle right now.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Freak of the Week - Stinky Stan

I know it's been a while since I've had anyone worthy of FOTW. But I've been sitting on a couple stories for a while as I waited for the whole serious cloud to blow over. Lucky for you guys, I can finally tell them.

Stinky Stan is relatively new, but he's already been in here twice in the last month. In fact, we've had a whole wave of newbies recently, and business has been decent. Anyway, the first time I saw him, we had a normal session with nothing exciting to write about.

Then the other day he comes in and Trina lets me know with a "Get your ass up front cause I'm not going back there." I was like Huh? And she was like "You'll see."

You know how you can tell some people are around before you see them? This was the case of Stinky Stan. I started walking up the hallway when the smell hit me. And it was pure ass. Imagine a really dirty diaper left wide open and sitting right in front of you. That's what this smell was like.

I think I actually staggered when it first hit me. When I regained my composure, I held my breath, waved to Stan, and quickly ushered him into my room. I asked him very kindly to jump into the shower and then get comfy on the table, and I'd be back in 10 minutes. Then SLAM - I closed that door and let out a gagging noise. Trina was already coming down the hallway spraying Lysol.

Some of you guys out there are probably wondering why we didn't just throw him out. On occasion that has happened - usually when it's a repeat offender who REFUSES to hit the shower. Then there are some customers that even the shower isn't enough.

So I figured a quick scrub and 10 minutes for the room to air out would do the trick. And it did. I came back in the room and Stan was up on the table and fresh as a daisy.

I started the session (45 minute G-string) and things are going smoothly. Then it hits me - a whiff of ass. Now if a guy passes gas in the room, it's no big thing and I can tolerate it. But this odor didn't go away. In fact it began to get worse.

I tried to ignore it and just concentrate on the massage, but after a while it just became too much. I stopped the massage so I could light all 3 aromatherapy candles in the room. I didn't say a word either. He knew it. I knew it. The candles knew it. It was BAD.

Stan wasn't one for small talk. And I didn't want to talk because I figured the less I opened my mouth in this cloud the safer I was. My stomach started to ache and I could actually feel a sort of gag in back of my throat. Have you ever noticed when you're sick, that the thought of throwing up just makes you want to throw up even more? Well that's what began to happen here.

And right when I thought I couldn't take any more, I looked up at the clock and... 20 MINUTES LEFT?!?! Holy fuck. I can't... No way... Oh Gawd...I'm gonna...

"Excuse me."

In a great display of restraint, I casually opened the door and walked out - almost butt naked except for a G-string. I didn't care if my own mom was standing outside that door. I shut gently shut it then jumped into the customer bathroom. I didn't even make it to the toilet - I hurled right into the sink. The cool air in the room felt good, but I still retched and heaved a few more times.

After a few minutes, I calmed down and cleaned up myself and the bathroom. I checked the clock behind the desk. 15 minutes left. Ugh. May as well be infinity.

I realized right then and there that I could not finish this session. Mentally I could not be in the room for even a few minutes. So I took a few deep breaths to calm down (and savor clean air) and I walked back in.

"I'm sorry Stan, but I think I've got food poisoning or somerhing..." Like I'm really gonna tell him the real reason!

Then Stan looks at me with a deep feeling on concern and understanding. A moment passes where our souls seem to communicate without words but through eyes only. He pauses and lets out a slight sigh. Then he says the most profound words I have ever heard in my entire life.

"Oh that stinks."

I told him I really had to end our session early and apologized for not getting to the end part. He was disappointed, but I offered him a double next time and he was cool about that. But it didn't really matter at that point because my brain was already in the back office trying to catch its breath. I don't know if Stan noticed that I didn't even dress up - I just grabbed my clothes off the chair and left the room.

I put my clothes on in the office and begged Trina to see him off. She mumbled a few words to him about how I didn't look good and it was very understanding of him, etc. I would say it took about an hour or so for my stomach to settle back down again.

So next time someone says "that stinks so bad I wanna throw up" picture me standing over a sink wearing only a G-string and actually doing it.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Holy Shit.

The last thing I remember is telling you guys that I finally got around to answering questions. Then I check in yesterday and discover everyone went postal on each other. That's what happens when I leave you guys unsupervised for a week. And to make matters even worse, I found a few highly uncomfortable items in the comments that I had to remove. Now before you start bitching about how everyone is entitled to their opinion, well let me remind you that this is MY blog. So there.

At first I was amused about some of the comments and I was fully planning on responding. However, I soon realized that things kinda got carried away and it wasn't going to be that simple. Now I wish you guys out there would stop using "Anon" because it makes it hard to keep track of who said what. So I think I'll address what I see as the general topics.

Let's begin with a story, shall we?
About every month or so, 2 town cops park at the far end of our strip mall. We call them the Blues Brothers, because they wear dark glasses and sit in a cop car. They show up to scare off customers for a few hours and to show the locals that they're on the job (personally, I think it's the guy next door that calls them). Business slows down for a few hours, then picks up when they leave.

With 2 policemen sitting right outside our door on a regular basis, they have yet to bust in and shut us down. So I sincerely doubt that the key to cracking "The Mystery of the Anonymous Happy Ending" was discovered by a particularly overzealous reader spending months surfing websites about handjobs. When he finally called the "DoJ" to report an anonymous girl telling stories about anonymous men at an undisclosed location receiving unsubstantiated sexual favors, I kinda doubt their reaction was "We hope he found all his evidence on the internet!" And honestly, the DOJ? Please. At least make up something believable next time.

The Search For CJ
When I first started confessing what a typical day is like in a massage parlor, I thought it would be funny if someone actually figured out who I was. I think I even offered a freebie or something to the first person to come in and mention the name "happyendingz." Boy was I wrong.

The first time a customer mentioned the blog, I was scared shitless. Suddenly the reality of it hit me - confessing secrets anonymously on the internet wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I don't know which one of you Anons said it, but I don't think the readers are morons. Heck, quite a few readers have been in The Business since I started this blog. But I can honestly say that not a single one of them have found the real "CJ" because I have never admitted to it. What I have discovered is that a lot of guys out there have found A CJ, not THE CJ.

Turns out some of the local girls have confessed to being CJ to make a few extra bucks. I've heard this from friends at other parlors (more on this later), and a couple customers. Kinda creepy when you think about it. But if I find it creepy, I can only imagine what it must be like for all my fellow masseuses in the Delaware Valley. I wonder what they think of the whole "Are you CJ?" thing?

You know who I hate? Waitresses. Bunch of fucking stuck up bitches. The other day I walk into a restaurant and I ask for a grilled cheese sandwich. After enjoying my sandwich (and diet coke), she has the nerve to hand me a bill for my sandwich! I was like "What the fuck? I can get this at home for free. Where do YOU get off charging me money for something that I can get at home for nothing." That's the problem with restaurants - they would be a lot more fun if it weren't for all these assholes asking you for money. I love to eat, but it becomes demeaning and exploitive when money gets involved.

THIS is what I thought of that comment about promiscuity and money.

CJ is a Dirty Whore - or What Am I Doing Here?
I always find it amusing when people have critical things to say about me or my job. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I even appreciate the occasional "You should save your money and get a real job." Hey - that's the plan.

But what I really don't understand are the people who insist on defining me as a whore, slut, skank, etc. The purpose of this whole confessions thing is not to get your approval for what I do - it's to inform you on what really goes on in this industry, and hopefully give you a laugh at the same time. But these guys who are really angry and spiteful with me, it's almost like they keep reading and reading every week in the hopes that one day I'll end a story with...

"... it suddenly occurred to me as I had my left hand wrapped around his cock and 2 fingers up his ass while I whistled the Star Spangled Banner, that what I was doing might be wrong. And at that exact moment I decided to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior and turn from my wicked sinful ways..."

To these people, let me remind you that this blog is about happy endings. Heck - it's right in the title!!! Have you noticed that every story ends with a handjob? You get a handjob! She gets a handjob! Everyone who walks through the door gets a handjob! Why are you guys continuously surprised and disappointed? If you're really that sensitive and would like your stories slightly less handjobby-ish, may I suggest you try

And for those of you still waiting for my conversion to the good side, let me remind you that I am a cradle born Catholic. Hypocrisy is my middle name.

Haters and Lovers
What can I say about the guys who have nice things to say about me and the blog - I love you guys! YOU get it. Read. Learn something new. Have a chuckle. Done. That's it. There really is no ulterior motive to this blog. I meet an interesting character in session. I tell you guys about it. And that's pretty much why I started confessing everything on the internet.

Those of you who don't believe me - fine. You try spending 40 hours a week in session naked with a stranger and NOT have something slightly peculiar happen. Those of you who think I intentionally lie to promote some sort of agenda - Great! I'm actually flattered that you think I'm a lot more than just some silly girl who gives happy endings for tips and then writes about it. But the fact of the matter is that I just write about what I see. And if it hasn't happened to me in this little corner of PA, then I know nothing about it.

And finally, to those of you who have actually paid attention to what I've said, taken notes, and have successfully gotten an erotic massage at a local parlor - good for you! You are the wind beneath my wings and the reason why I have so much fun doing what I do.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010


... got around to answering comments from the last 2 weeks. Sorry!


Monday, October 4, 2010


When you're trying to find something interesting about work to talk about, that's when you realize all the stuff you're NOT allowed to talk about. I've always made it a point to never use real names (that's why there's probably a dozen stories in this blog about a guy named "Mike"). I've slipped up a few times, but it's not like anyone will ever figure it out.


CJ Who?
Now when it comes to interesting customer stories, I have to be careful about who I write about and when. For example, I make it a point NOT to mention readers who have actually done their homework and found The Business. And yes - there have been a lucky few. You have no idea how freaky it is to have a guy on the table asking me if I've ever heard of "CJ" or "happyendingz." So the last thing I can do is write "another guy found me yesterday" without him figuring it out. And those guys can NEVER be a freak of the week, which can be damn frustrating, let me tell ya.

The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Guilty
Another thing I can't mention are the actual names of local businesses. I mean if they're in the paper as getting shut down, I can't stop anyone from finding it on the internet. But real names I'll never post here. When I first started this blog, I used to make the mistake of recommending local parlors to guys who asked me by email. Then it quickly dawned on me that if I mention the competition, then by the process of elimination they could eventually find me. So now my standard reply to requests for appointments or recommendations is "sorry, but I can't for obvious reasons..."

Then there's things I just shouldn't talk about - or at least not in too much detail. For example, I've been keeping you guys up to date on how we've been protecting ourselves here at The Business during the current crackdown. I've mentioned a few things we've done, like cut off newbies for a few months, but then there are specific techniques that we use that I won't mention here - just in case. So before any of you assume that we're all sucking off state troopers to stay in business - think again. That technique obviously didn't work for the other parlors that got raided recently. However, if any of my girls are out there reading this (Red I'm talking to you), I'll gladly give you an update on the latest intel.

Lastly, there are my beloved Regulars. I've made it a point not to do profiles on my regular customers because over time I'd probably end up revealing enough info for these guys to recognize themselves on the internet. That's why I usually do individual stories, with a new fake name attached each time. The last thing I need is a Regular to realize "Hey - I'm Freddie the Foot Fetish Fan!"

A Guy Walks Into A Bar...
And did you ever notice how I start my stories with "A guy came in yesterday..."? It's always "yesterday" or "last week" or whatever. So if anyone out there thought I was talking about you personally because you just happened to be in a massage parlor yesterday wearing women's underwear asking to be spanked - I apologize. Maybe it really was you yesterday. Maybe not. But never ever assume that you're the only guy on the planet who practices your particular little kink. Hell, I still meet foot fetish guys who are shocked to hear that I have a standard price for that.

Think you're the only guy who ever dressed up as Little Bo Peep, and asked me to baaaa like a sheep? There's a reason why they sell her costume in XXL in adult toy stores.

Now if I ever slip up and mention the butterfly tattoo on your left ass cheek........ oh shit!