Thursday, May 27, 2010

Questions and Answers 5 - THE SEQUAL

Well I promised to answer ALL of your questions this week, so here's part 2 of Q&A!

Hey CJ. Follow-up question. How can you get a guy to cum without getting him hard?
It's not that different from milking a cow. Just because a guy's not hard doesn't mean he can't cum. So if I gently work the bundle of nerves along the end of the shaft with both my thumbs, I can sometimes get past a limp dick. Some guys with ED are just the opposite and require lots of pressure and rough handling. In those cases I sometimes end up kneading the dick like a piece of playdoh.

Anonymous said...
Could you tell us your other facial story as well as the one about getting cum in your hair

I'll save these stories for a future post. I could write a book just on men's obsession with bodily fluids. For some guys it's all about leaving them in interesting ways in interesting places.

bluekerton22 said...
How many people follow your blog (if you know)?

Well this blogspot website tells me that 74 people "follow" my blog - whatever that means. But my techno-nerd tells me that I get about 1500 visitors per day. Now if they were all paying customers at The Business, I would be able to retire in about a week! (But boy would my arms be tired).

I'd love to hear more stories about 'favors' you've traded with any friends or clients. You wrote a post on it a while ago. Thanks!:)

This would make for an interesting topic. I remember the post you're referring to and I'll try to tell one of those stories next week. Interesting thing about handjobs - sometimes they can be bartered just like any other item.

GC85 said...
Okay questions. If you dont mind answering what was you childhood dream job?
Movie star. Not the porn kind either.

What car do you drive?
Full size pickup truck. For some reason, I just can't stand driving little tiny cars. It's awful on gas mileage, but I'm invicible in the snow.

What was your youngest customer?That I will admit to? Probably 20 - and that was because he lied. As policy I won't do anyone less than 21. We'll throw out anyone younger.

Have you ever had any sort of sexual relationship with a girl? or a 3some?
Except for the fake stuff we do during a double session, the answer is no. But I have literally sat next to Cindy while she was fucking or sucking a customer or sugar daddy. Does that count?

What is your fetish?
Shoes. I totally get off on shoe shopping.

Dream holiday?
Hawaii!!!!!! Because it's like the Caribbean, but I can understand everybody.

Dream car?
Ford F350. For no reason other than - BECAUSE.

When you do a facial do you jerk the guy or does he do all the work himself

You guys and your facial questions! Guys have told me that it's more of a turn on when they do it, so I'm hands off. But maybe I should start taking matters into my own hands because you guys don't know how to aim!

Anonymous said...
1. If Ben Roethlisberger were a client of yours, would you sell your story to Inside Edition for $10,000? $50,000? $100,000??

Funny you should ask... For that loser I'd sell my story for $5. Anyway, it's sort of the erotic masseuses version of hitting the lottery - big celebrity client and we become the next Bombshell Magee.

Well, I've had my share of famous people come through here (no pun intended) and unfortunately no one has ever asked me for a story. However, their loss is your gain cause now I can tell those stories here!

2. Would you let someone take a cell phone pic of your hand on their member or would that cost extra?
I've done this with customers I like for free. As long as you can't see my face, or identify The Business, I'm OK with it.

3. Do you do private parties? Could a group of 5 guys hire you to get naked, hang out for an hour and give out HJ's?

I've never been asked, but I have girlfriends from other places that have. It helps if you're full service too cause it's never a HJ party. I had 1 girlfriend who used to strip for a group of cross-dressing men. She'd do a long, erotic striptease while they all sat around her dressed as woman, and jerked themselves off. She didn't have to touch any of them and made good money!

4. Do you have a dream to be something else besides a Massage Therapist someday? It's obvious from your posts that you are a smart girl with charm and a sense of humor. It would seem to me that you wouldn't want to be ultimately defined by this. You're capable of so much more.

Come on guys... You all know the answer to this one. TANNING PARLOR OWNER!

5. What got you into this job and what stops you from doing something else?

Short answer to both questions - the money.

Anonymous said...
I do have a question and maybe you have answer this and i just have not read it yet but are these types of places hard to find. i do not want to go to some place where you walk in and it looks like some kind of bad porn set in the lobby and all they have is one girl who is older then my grandparents waiting to give me a wrinkely hj. not my cup o tea. i just want to go to a place to get a good massage and have a bit of fun. thanks. Casey

That's the nature of The Business, ain't it? Most places don't go to the extent that we do to look legit. Most are shitholes like you describe where I wouldn't take my coat off, let alone strip naked, lie on a soiled sheet, then let one of their skanks touch me. No sir.

Have you ever ended up in a relationship with a client? How did it go?
Yes and badly. It always ends badly. However, clients make great friends outside the business. It's when they want more that things go south real fast because they always think they can deal with what I do in a mature way. But it never works out.

What is the weirdo ratio?

Depends on the type of weirdo you're talking about. Harmless weirdos I'd say maybe 1 out of every 10. And that includes foot fetish guys. Freak of the Week is another matter. A customer who deserves his own post - maybe one out of a 100.

Given the possibility of weirdos, do you keep protection of some kind on site (pepper spray, bullet spray, etc)?

Let's just say that I'm protected.

Have you ever had a wife/girlfriend show up to confront you about doing a session with husband/boyfriend? If so, have you considered selling tickets? Cuz I would buy one.

Now THIS would make a great post! I've had this happen to me a bunch of times over the phone and once in person at the desk. In fact, let me get started on this story for next time...

A lot of interesting questions this time, so I really should do this more often. I have a couple ideas for future posts now, so thanks for the inspiration!


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Questions and Answers #5

Hey guys! I know I've been bad with the comments lately, so I'm gonna make it up to you with another Q&A. Also feel free to ask whatever questions you want in this post and I'll get to them this week - I promise. Some of these questions go back a couple of weeks to my escapades in Audrey's office chair, so you may have to go refresh your memory...

Little Red said...
That's just nasty. I wonder what you'd find on Audrey if you turned on the spotlights!!!

Jizz stains are just a typical occupational hazard in The Business. That's one of the reasons why I don't like topless sessions - there's always the danger of getting oil or semen on your pants. Now If I'm pissed at someone, or just in a jokey kinda mood, I won't tell other girls if they've got jizz stains on them after a session.

I'm surprised you let a customer (friend or not) slide his lubed up member around that close to not one but two possible entry points. Even if he really didn't mean it, with all the lube all it would take is a slight mistroke and he would be in there.

I think I answered these questions adequately with my last post. The reality is that once you're in position to slide in between the butt cheeks, it's actually not that easy to bend an erect dick 90 degrees for insertion. The thigh release is different - the danger of insertion is higher, so that's why I'm more cautious about who I offer it to.

You should have let him come in your cheeks and then sat down.

This comment made me spit out my drink. Now THAT would have been hilarious!

Anonymous said...
"We played with the idea of me lying on the desk spread eagle with my head hanging over the edge so we could try an upside-down breast release."
Gee- and to think the last post was about spring cleaning and dust.

I'm sorry guys - I sometimes forget that I'm supposed to be giving away secrets about The Business. But I thought the condom story was kinda funny.

so...have you ever had a slight mistroke on a butt release?????

No, but some customers have had real problems trying to get the position and angles just right to make it work. There's nothing sadder than a middle aged guy with a small dick who doesn't exercise try some exotic position he saw in a porn movie - and fail.

Feel like answering a few questions?
1. Do you have any female customers?

Yes - they are all local women who come in for therapeutics.

2. Do you like sports?

All major league sports including Nittany Lions football. Everything really except soccer. That's not a real sport.

3. Ever gotten pulled over and used the 'girls' or anything else to try and get out of a ticket?

Nope - been ticketed just like everyone else. But I have used them to avoid cover charges at bars and clubs.

4. Jay-zee or Eminem?


5. Any customers ever not been able to get IT up?

Happens quite a bit - especially with the older men. But it doesn't necessarily mean the guy can't cum. I have a special technique I use to make that happen with the problem guys.

6. What's your record for most Happy Endingz in one day?

I think the record is 20-25 or so in one day. This was a while ago when the economy was booming and everyone had cash. I was working a double on a Saturday and it was just non-stop customers. But back then, 15 - 30 minute sessions were more popular.

GC85 said...
Dear Wise and Knowledgeble CJ
You've mentioned before about online dating. I know you didn't use free sites but i cant find any apart from flirtomatic. I'm not looking for love just fun. ccan you help?

Sorry - been off online dating for a while now. And even then it was mostly those pervy sugar daddy/baby type. Will never do that again!

Btw great post did Audrey ever come close to finding out? Or ask you who spilt tipex on her keyboard?

LOL - Audrey NEVER found out about her keyboard!! To this day I chuckle to myself whenever I see her using the computer.

Anonymous said...
Hey CJ, my friend got a happy ending head from a massage parlor for a 30 dollar tip. He paid 60 for a hour then a 30 tip and got sucked off. So should I expect the AMPs around here to be that cheap, or should I expect this to be a special case? This is the west coast BTW, I guess the regions make a difference.

Wow that's cheap. But it really depends on what part of the country you're in. Around here, full service sessions probably start around $150 for a BJ. And with the economy in the toilet, everyone's had to lower their prices. Heck, we had to!

Anonymous said...
CJ why do you do ass releases without a condom? That shit can give you herpes, and if a "slip" were to ever occur and he entered inside of you then you'd be at risk for a lot worse. I mean what if they lost themselves in the moment and decided to just stick it in there? Bag your clients up, be safe!

Never used a condom for that. But I do tell the guys to come on my back instead of directly on my ass just because of that.

Condoms are something we DO NOT keep at the business. Customers who do chose to use one (usually a clothing fetish of some kind), have to bring them and also leave with them. Can't afford to have any condoms in the trash.

DEFense CONdition goes the other direction FYI. DEFCON1 is highest level of alert.

That was a total blonde moment on my part! I stand corrected.

Little Red said...
If you no longer worked as an erotic masseuse, what would you do?

You mean apart from owning my own tanning business? Well, the bartender gig has been OK so far. I've managed to do a couple nights so far at a friends place. I could imagine doing that a while, but I wouldn't want to make a career out of it.

mdcraig62 said...
Normally this kind of crap is going along with local election year politics. Have any 'family values' clients that you need to flush out?

We get local (and not so local) politicians, police, and even church leaders every now and then. But it's sort of an unwritten rule that you NEVER reveal what goes on with these guys. It's one of the reasons why I wanted to start an anonymous blog about The Business - just so I would have an outlet for those stories.

Unfortunately, I don't think I have any current Regulars I can rat out if I need to!

Anonymous said...
Does your boss read what you say about her? LOL. If so, what does she say about it?

OH GAWD NO. Are you kidding? Audrey would have fired my ass a long time ago. Only Trina and Cindy know about it, and they don't mind what I've said so far.

Anonymous said...
I'm curious if anybody knows of a blog written by somebody who frequents massage parlors and writes stories about it. I love this blog, (CJ - well done), but would also enjoy reading the other side of the sensual massage experience. Thanks for any info.

I think some of you guys out there can answer this question. Feel free to plug your blogs here!

Anonymous said...
So how many different guys are you in love with enough to take facials from?

I knew you guys would ask that... Believe it or not, there has only been a grand total of 3 customers who have been granted this special favor. I've been asked numerous times, offered generous tips, and even 1 kind gentleman who graciously offered to clean me up afterwards - with his tongue.

Now the key word here is "granted." I don't know how many times I've gotten it on my face unexpectedly from a customer who hadn't jerked off in a month. Yuck.

But for the 3 customers that I can honestly say I love enough to do this for, it was never for money but for something else. Like a "thank you" for some favor they did for me.

Anonymous said...
"Cookie"? is this a term in the business?

That's MY term. LOL. Cindy calls it her "Grrrrly Grl."

marginalutility said...
Aren't you afraid that with the butt or thigh release semen might get loose and end up in your vagina, causing a pregnancy/STD scare? As an escort, I sometimes offer the "butt release", but I'm very careful that it's on a part of my ass where the sperm couldn't possibly drip down anywhere near my vagina or my anus.

Oh I'm aware of that. So that's why I direct the guys to shoot for the small of my back. I once had one asshole who deliberately aimed for my hair. I blacklisted him after that.

reggie said...
is Rent Money enough for you to agree to take a facial shot?

Nope. I've had Rent Money offered, but it's just not worth it. I consider facials more a "treat" for guys - both at work and in my private life.

Anonymous said...
I don't know what it is but something about your billfold makes me want to swallow your jizz. Must be love.

There is something sexy about a large billfold.....

Satisfied said...
Besides for things to accidentally slip in, things would need to be lubed up. And it's not like you're wet or anything right...

Oh Gawd no. There is no danger of me ever getting wet and messy from a butt release. Ya ever have a guy basically dry humping your rear end? It's not exactly a turn on.

Sc00ter1808 said...
CJ. I have been to a Asian massage but for some reason get really nervous and cannot get an erection until she is actually starting the release. With the amount of touching that happens and my reaction (lifting butt up when she is in the area, etc..) I feel really good but no stiffening. How often does this happen to you? Is it frequent? I really notice it when I am nervous and develop shrinkage. :( When I am at any other massage (non sensual) sometime I get an erection. When she leaves I try to get it going before she returns. Any advice? Any recommendations on how to relax so when its "turn over" time I can show I am ready to begin?
Thank you

It happens more often than you think. The key (and I tell this to everyone who has problems) is to relax. Guys get too nervous over-thinking their happy ending. Just relax, shut your mouth, think of happy things, and let us do our job. You're overly concerned to the point that you're trying to get the hand release started without your masseuse. It's her job, and believe me - she won't be shocked if you're a little slow to get excited.

Well I hope you guys found Q&A 5 enlightening. Please feel free to throw any any random questions in the comments section, and I'll promise to get to them later this week.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Accidental Full Service

I got a kick outta your questions the other day about whether any guy has ever "mis-stroked" and stuck his dick in a place it ain't supposed to be. I thought about it and realized that during a butt release, I am merely inches away from either: A) Full Service, B) Sexual Assault, or C) a combo of A and B. I guess the answer would depend on how I feel about the guy!

The short answer is no, I've never had a guy "accidentally" stick it in me during a butt release. Seems easy enough, but it's the kind of thing I only offer to guys I like and trust. So I thought I'd explain how and when I offer the extras to customers.

For all you newbies out there, "extras" are the little services I offer above and beyond the options. The standard options during a massage are topless, G-string, and nude. The basic extras in the order in which I offer them are:

1) Mutual massage
2) Breast release
3) Butt release
4) Thigh release
5) Facial

I never offer extras to newbies, so at the most they'll get the standard hand release with a view of me unobstructed by clothing. It takes a few visits and me getting to know you before I start offering extras; starting with...

The Mutual Massage
This is where the customer gets to massage me as well. For some guys it's basically an excuse to play with The Girls up close and personal, but some of them really go out of their way to impress me with their massage skills. As you can imagine, I have to feel comfortable with a guy before I'll offer him this extra. Anyone who's pinchy or grabby in the room will never get this offered.

Breast Release
If you've taken the mutual a few times and proven yourself gentle enough with The Girls, then I'll offer this one next. For the new readers out there, this extra is known by the more mundane term of "Titty Fuck." If a customer seems cool enough from the start, I'll offer him this at the same time I offer the mutual.

Now I would be lying if I said I've never done this with a newbie. More than a few time I've had new customers come in here and specifically ask for it. I know I said I have to get to know a guy and trust him before I offer a breast release, but you would be amazed how much trust I've found in a big wad of cash waving in front of my face.

One of my favorite stories is the time a guy came in and just flat out asked to cum on my breasts. No massage. He offered me what I like to refer to as "Rent Money." It would have been mighty unfriendly for me to say No, right? So from the time my shirt hit the floor to the time that he had zipped up and was walking out the door was less than 5 minutes.

Best session EVER.

I swear, it took more time for me to clean the semen off my chest and dress up, than it did for him to whip it out, jerk off and orgasm.

Butt Release
As the name implies, this is where the guy uses my butt cheeks to help him achieve his happy ending. I actually don't get a lot of calls for this one. And as you guys have already guessed, I have to be REALLY comfortable with a customer before I'll offer this. There's nothing more vulnerable than leaning over the massage table with your butt in the air and the guy sliding his cock back and forth mere inches away from my exposed asshole.


The Thigh Release
We pretty much have to be BFF's before I'll do this one. AND I'll need 2 references. With this release, the guy slides his well lubed cock in between my thighs. I can either be leaning over the table, or lying down on my back. When I'm lying down, it's pretty much as close to fucking as you're gonna get. This one I'm very careful about offering because now you're mere inches from my Cookie, and I need to know ahead of time that you have control over your orgasm and you're not prone to be premature.

Now if we have to be BFF's for a thigh release, I have to be IN LOVE with you before I'll offer a facial. Actually, I don't so much offer facials as I agree to them (after much nagging, whining, flattery and finally bribery).

Believe it or not, I don't actually charge extra for this most intimate of services. And that's because it's usually tied to another extra like the mutual massage or the breast release. The deal usually goes down something like this...

"I'll take a mutual followed by a breast release. And... er... er...can I cum on your face?"

"Uh... No."



"I'll be your best friend?"

"I would, but I just washed my hair and I'm going out straight from work tonight."

"I'll spend half an hour massaging your feet."

"Fine. Just keep that shit away from my eyes."

I hope this has clarified a few things for you guys. Especially why I'm not routinely violated during the standard work week.


Monday, May 17, 2010

DEFCON 4 - The Crackdown Continues...

This is a special report from the Happyendingz newsroom. Another local Asian massage parlor (AMP) got raided last week. In the past I've said good riddance but now even I'm getting nervous. In the last 9 months 4 AMPs and one American parlor have been busted around here.

I just got off the phone with Audrey, and she's OK if we want to shut down for a few days. But it's my call. Usually when a place gets closed, we see a drop in business for a few days, then things pick up as we start to see their old customers. But that bump in business has been getting smaller and smaller over the past few months. So this last raid has really gotten our customers spooked.

After the last raid, we were at DEFCON 3 - No happy endings offered to new customers till after the 2nd visit. Sure, there was a lot of grumbling and "I'm not coming back here!" bullshit, but better safe than sorry. Besides, where else ya gonna go?

Now we are at DEFCON 4 - No happy endings offered to new customers. Period. Regulars only till further notice. Newbies can still get a nice therapeutic from a FULLY CLOTHED masseuse, but no extras or options.

Yes it's killing business, but we're nervous. I mean, some of us have local cop friends, but it's not like we can call them up and ask "Hey Officer Bill, you guys gonna raid us anytime soon?" What has happened in the past is we'll get a tip from one of our "sources" not to come to work tomorrow. Then we shut down for a day or 2, or just do therapeutics only. The cops file a report that nothing was observed, and that's the end of it.

This time it's different. I did some research and it looks like the recent crackdown is being fueled by some local church groups. They've been rallying the locals to annoy their town police to "do something about the problem."

I've mentioned before that the town views us as an "annoyance" business - nothing to be proud of, but we pay taxes and occupy unpopular retail space. We're basically in the same category as adult bookstores, and tattoo parlors. So it takes A LOT of complaints before the town decides to spend a bunch of money and time to investigate, raid, and prosecute 2 girls who were just unlucky enough to be on shift.

So all we can do now is weather the storm. They're rapidly running out of AMPs to target around here, so eventually they'll get to us - if they haven't already. With any luck, they've already checked us out and we passed for "legit." For all I know, one of my cop friends may have been on official business last time he was here!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Office

I will admit that nothing exciting has been happening around here lately. Hell, my last post was about cleaning up around the place. So one of you guys was kind enough to remind me that I owe you a story from the good ole days, so here goes...

This goes back a couple years now, but I like to remember it and savor the feeling every now and then. They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. Well I say it's best served hot and sweaty.

I forget why, but Audrey had been on my nerves about something (like I really need a reason). What's new, right? Well I had been fantasizing about getting back at her; things like a banana in the tailpipe, glue in her massage oil bottle, ants in her session room, etc. However, I'm a big coward when it comes to things like that, but it's always fun to think about.

Well one night, I was on shift by myself and one of my Regulars drops by. We'll call him Ted. He's actually a friend outside of work too, so when he came over we sat in the lounge and just chatted for a bit. I was telling him some of my revenge fantasies when he asks "What's that room there?" and pointed to the door across the hall.

"It's Audrey's office. She doesn't like us going in there. In fact I don't know why she left the door open." Suddenly I big smile crossed my face.

"Well what's in there that's so important?"

It was her damn chair.

She NEVER wanted anyone sitting in "her" chair, let alone standing in her office. It's not like there's anything important back there. It's mostly just binders of invoices and bills and stuff.

Let me describe it to you. Pay attention because some of the details are important later on when I talk about leverage, support and angles and such.

Audrey's office is located at the end of the corridor leading to the back of The Business. On the right is our lounge and to the left is her office. It's about the size of a walk in closet and contains a U-shaped desk. On the left is a computer and keyboard. On the right is a small collection of Audrey's knick-knacks like trolls, dolls, and bears. And in the middle of the U is one of those giant desk pads that's also a calendar. On a small shelf above are various notebooks and binders. Below the desk is a filing cabinet on wheels, the computer case, and some boxes of office supplies.

I must have had a devilish look on my face because Ted asked "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

I think I was because all I said was "Get naked."

Ted's a good sport and he quickly complied. I joined him, then went to the closet for a fresh bottle of baby oil and a roll of paper towels. I told him to sit down in her precious chair. I took a second to get a look at him because I wanted to remember his large, meaty, butt-naked frame settling into her sacred seat.

I knelt down in front of him and slipped a paper towel under his balls to catch any excess oil before I lubed him up. I started to work his cock until he was nice and hard (that's the great thing about having friends who are customers, because you can skip formalities like the massage and just get to it). I kept stroking him for a minute before he asked "So what do you want to do?"

"Uhhhhhhhhh...." I answered. "I haven't really thought about it. What do you want to do?"

Guys have a natural knack for this sort of thing that girls just don't have.

"How about a titty fuck, and I cum all over her chair?"

"I like the way you think." Suddenly I didn't care anymore about the towel under his balls. I figured I could just wipe up the mess and she'd never be the wiser, right? So I scooted up and pushed The Girls together and tried to lower myself onto his prick. Unfortunately, it didn't work. The chair arms kept me from getting close enough.

Ted was quick to work on a solution. "How about you lean back against the desk and I'll try it standing up?"

So I kinda arched my back over the desk pad so The Girls were pushed forward. Meanwhile, Ted put his weight on the two opposite sides of the desk. And just as he was getting into it....


We both jumped up. The desk is attached to the walls and so it couldn't support Ted's full weight. He tried to shore it up with the rolling filing cabinet and a couple of phone books, but it wasn't enough. At this point I couldn't help but think what a wonderful man Ted was for trying so hard to figure out how he could titty fuck me and cum on Audrey's chair. That man's a saint.

We played with the idea of me lying on the desk spread eagle with my head hanging over the edge so we could try an upside-down breast release. But there was no way I was going to put my full weight on there after what just happened.

In case you thought that idea was just too bizarre to even try, Ted demonstrated it for me using one of Audrey's teddy bears. I think it's name was "Bosco." When that idea got shot down he suggested I suck his dick by simulating it with one of her dolls. I said "Ewwwww" to that one for several reasons.

Finally he grabbed a troll doll and started pretend-fucking it doggy style. When I was done laughing I agreed to a butt release while I leaned over the desk. When he was ready to cum, he was to turn around and shoot it all over her chair in the doorway.

Sound complicated? It was. So I leaned over the desk pad and let Ted start sliding his freshly lubed cock between my ass cheeks. I bent over as far as I could on the desk with my ass up so he'd have a good angle to work with. He grabbed an ass cheek in each hand and began to rhythmically pump his dick back and forth in between them. After about a minute he starts to moan. "Oh good" I thought, "This is gonna be the funniest thing ever."

Ted starts to cum, but he doesn't turn around as planned. He got lost in the moment and forgot what to do. So I yelled out "Ted!" He begins to panic and grabs his dick and squeezes real hard. Have you guys ever tried to actually stop yourself from cumming? It's harder than it looks, isn't it? So instead of holding his load in, he actually increases the pressure of his ejaculation. And he shoots.


The first load lands on Audrey's desk pad. As Ted is turning around to the left, he gets another load smack in the middle of the computer keyboard. The next load, as he's trying to get to the chair, actually splatters against the doorway and wall. So by the time he gets turned 180, all that's left is just a few dribbles of semen, which he desperately flicks towards the chair by shaking his dick. So there he was, standing naked and sweaty in front of Audrey's chair, squeezing out the last drops of cum in revenge.

Needless to say, the joke was now on me. The doorway and wall were easy to wipe up. And the month of June on the desk pad was permanently stained. But have you ever tried to clean semen out of a keyboard?

And that's how I defiled Audrey's office. Minutes of fun. Hours of cleaning. A lifetime of memories.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Spring Cleaning

The weather down here has been gorgeous this week, with the exception of the occasional thunderstorm. It's been so nice that we've even broken out the folding chairs so we can sit outside during breaks. The back parking lot is quiet, so that's where we sneak away to smoke (or "tanning" breaks if you're Trina).

Since it's been so warm out, I decided to start doing spring cleaning around here. Hey - I'm still the acting manager. But it's not that bad. We cranked up all the radios, opened up the doors and tried to get some fresh air in here.

Now you can learn alot about a masseuse by how messy her session room is. Mine wasn't too bad. But when we moved the massage table, we found a whole family of dust bunnies living underneath it. Lucky for me, there was nothing incriminating under there - unlike some people.

Audrey's room hasn't been used since she stopped coming in back in February. But I was feeling motivated, so I told Trina to help me clean it out.

It was a bit musty inside, which is what happens when an aromatherapy candle hasn't been used there in ages. Now we have 2 sets of lights for each room - the standard dimmers we use during session, and the bright spotlights that we NEVER use. Well, since we were cleaning, we fired up the spotlights.

Have you ever heard of those "crime lights" that CSI cops use to detect bodily fluids in crime scenes? Well, you wouldn't need one in this room. With the bright lights on, we could just as plainly see the stains on...

the walls
the floors
the table
the shelf
and don't even get me started about the shower!

Trina and I almost threw up when we realized what we were looking at. We figured her room hasn't been thoroughly cleaned in years. It was just the nastiest thing you've ever seen - but without the spotlights you would have never noticed it. We switched the lights back to the dimmers, and agreed that you couldn't really notice anything.

So that's what we did. We left the dimmers on, ran a quick vacuum through the room, then turned the lights off and closed the door. Actually let me rephrase that - I ran a vacuum through the room, turned off the lights and closed the door. Trina spent the entire time outside trying to keep her lunch down.

I'll confess that when I decided to clean out Audrey's room, I was hoping to find something embarassing like condom wrappers. But believe me when I say this was waaaaaaaay worse. I don't know how that woman could stand to work under those conditions. It's called Formula 409 Audrey! Check it out.

After Trina and I felt like our stomachs had settled, we moved on to Cindy's room. No condom wrappers, but we did find a Penthouse magazine, an old G-string, some cheap costume jewelry, and a tiny tube of "personal lubrication."

I don't wanna know.

Lastly was Trina's room. I didn't expect to find anything incriminating in there because she locked herself in while I was finishing up in Cindy's room. So I vacuumed up her dust bunnies while she scrubbed down her shower stall.

After she finished and went to the bathroom to clean up, I snuck out to the dumpster to see what she was trying to hide from me. I found a tied up shopping bag. It was filled with - can you guess? Candy wrappers. Must have been 50 at least.

After 2 days of major cleaning, we did find 1 condom wrapper. It was in the tanning room, behind the booth. None of us could figure out how it got there. I mean, it's quite obvious that Audrey fucks her customers in her room (ALL OVER her room apparently). Trina and I aren't full service. And when I asked Cindy, she just said something odd like "wrong size."

Now Trina had an interesting theory. Since it wasn't in anyone's room, she thinks that Audrey fucked one of the contractors when our place was getting fixed up from the flood. Why the tanning room, I don't know. Maybe Audrey was offering a taste of all our services at the same time?

Wow - I feel dull compared to my co-workers.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Spring is here...

And love is in the air. Or at least the equivalent.

Audrey has been gone for a while now, but she still gets customers asking for her. But yesterday's call takes the cake. Trina and I were working, and I was at the front desk when this guy called.

"Allo? Is my Leetle Teeny there?"

I don't know any "Teenys" around here. "I'm sorry sir? Who are you looking for?"

"I rrrrreally miss you my Teeny." His "rrrr's" just rolled off the tongue like he was playing a guitar and he knew he was good at it. We'll call him "Antonio" since he sounded like an Antonio. I'll admit I'm a sucker for Spanish accents, so that's why I hadn't just hung up on the guy.

"Uhhhhhh.... I'm not sure who you're looking for sir. This is CJ. Are you looking for Trina" I asked with a slight hint of jealousy in my voice. Why can't my customers sound this good, or be this loyal?

"I know it is yoooooou ..." At this point I'm wondering if this is just a bad prank phone call. But then Antonio added, "I have longed for another massage from you. You are... how do you say... erotic?"   Wow - that gave me a little chill. Why does Trina always get the good ones!

Let me apologize now for my bad attempts to type with a spanish accent. Just use your imagination, OK?

"I think you want Trina, " I said curtly. "Hold on while I..."

"You are the best I have ever had and I must have you again. Have you missed your Antonio my Teeny?"  I really didn't want to have this conversation about how great another masseuse is, so I asked him again if he was looking for "Trina." Turns out he was looking for Audrey! Antonio call her his "Leetle Teeny" because she's so petite. Gag!

I've had my share of overly enthusiastic customers, but none quite like this guy. I had to tell him she's no longer available, but he's perfectly welcome to stop by (I will confess that I was imagining that voice caressing my ears for an hour). Unfortunately, he was disappointed by the news and didn't feel like making an appointment with anyone else (damn!).

Well it was probably for the best. In my mind I was picturing Antonio Banderas. A YOUNG Antonio Banderas. Why wreck that thought with reality?

Now if the real Antonio just happened to be reading this blog, please feel free to stop by anyway! I didn't mean anything by that "young" comment.