Thursday, May 28, 2009

Welcome to the Tan-N-Tug

I just wanted to give you guys a quick update on what's going on with the landlord. Audrey and I talked about what's happening with The Business during lunch since Trina was off (she tends to panic easily, so we don't want to scare her with talk of moving). I told Audrey that under no circumstances should she give in to this guy - INCLUDING the raising of the rent.

I pointed out the window of the diner, "Look up and down this street alone. There must be a dozen empty shops that we could take over." I think my voice was carrying because I noticed a few heads turn, but I didn't care because I was pissed. "We wouldn't even have to change our billboard!"

I was surprised to see Audrey actually agree with me without much of an argument. "You know CJ... I didn't mention this to you before, but the maintenance on that place has been getting worse. It might be time to think about a new space."

Actually, I did notice about the maintenance. Audrey is known for paying people with her own ass. Ever hear of Layaway? Audrey uses "Get-Laid-Away." Electricians, plumbers and carpenters have all participated. I have to admit, that takes some dedication to your Business when you're willing to take one for the team. I, on the other hand, am not dedicated. More than once I've had some guy in here who's all like "I don't have to pay... I did your carpets/lights/locks/toilet/etc...." Sorry buddy, but THAT coupon can only be cashed on Audrey's shift. LOL

Anyway, we started talking and Audrey knows a guy (she always "knows a guy...") who can gut and rebuild any office space dirt cheap. If we just doubled our current space, we could split it in two and dedicate half to The Business, and the other half to a tanning salon. The layouts could even be identical, or mirror images. And it would save us money since we'd be converting 1 large space instead of 2 little spaces.

I've already done research on tanning beds, so I know where we can go locally for buying and/or leasing. I have a nest egg that I can use to help get things started too. Ya know - I'm kinda excited about the possibility of starting a new Business. Keep your fingers crossed and wish us luck!

So here's a question for you guys. What would you call a Business that did both erotic massage and tanning? The Tan-N-Tug? Best suggestion gets a free hand release - I'll mail you a bottle of lotion! LOL


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

How To Lose A Business In 10 Days

Last week I mentioned that I once saw another Business get "stolen." Someone asked how that was possible, so here is the story of how you can actually steal an entire Business.

This place was owned by an old friend of Audreys (we'll call her Mindy), but I knew her too. It started off innocently enough with the woman's boyfriend hanging around the Business (Let's call him Mork). He started spending more and more time there, and he finally justified this to his girlfriend by claiming he was providing "security."

Well since he was now "in charge" of security, he had a perfect excuse to start spending time there - even when she wasn't around. So what do you do when your bosses boyfriend is sitting around watching you work? Whatever he tells you to. He started handling all the house money, and so what if he pockets a couple hundred at the end of the night? If money starts missing, who's Mindy going to believe - the drug addicted ex-hooker working night shift, or her loving faithful boyfriend?

After a while he started threatening the girls with their jobs. "You know, Mindy has noticed cash missing from your shift. I think we should go in your room and 'talk' about it..." He ended up banging a couple of the girls on a regular basis behind Mindy's back.

This went on for a while until Mindy finally got it through her thick skull that he was cheating AND stealing from her. Then one day she shows up for work and 'click-click-click' - her key doesn't work. Asshole Mork had been planning for a while how to do a complete hijacking of the Business right out from under her. Paperwork had changed names, money had been moved around, phone numbers switched, etc. And there Mindy was - with nothing to show but a key that didn't work.

I know that sounds insane - how can you possibly steal something that's attached to the ground? But Mindy had nothing since all the records were inside the Business, and she couldn't get past the security door - even during Business hours. You think the landlord gives a shit who signs his checks? Remember - he's getting paid extra NOT to ask any questions.

So what's she gonna do - go to the cops? ("Hey, isn't that the whore house over by Main Street?"). And that was it. Mindy was Shit-Outta-Luck, and the place just kept open with Business as usual. In fact, it's still there. I think they're down to just 2 or 3 girls, but it's still open. It has since gone full service, as most male-owned Businesses do. I tell my customers looking for full service to stay away from there.

And that's how you can steal an entire Business. Any questions?


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Going Out of Business Sale

Anyone wanna buy a used massage parlor?

Yesterday when Audrey arrived at work, the first thing she said to me was "We have to talk." That's never a good phrase to hear whether you're a guy or a girl. I asked her what's up, and she led me outside so Trina couldn't hear.

The other day Audrey met with the landlord to discuss a few items, including the renewal of the lease in August. She's rented this space for about 5 years now and there have never been any issues before. The maintenance is good, the neighbors are quiet, etc. But, we pay almost double what the place is worth because we're a "nuisance" business (read my earlier post on the definition of a "nuisance business"). The landlord knows what we do here, but that sweet rent check keeps him from asking any questions.

That is until this week.

Audrey said that he got really weird on her. Bottom line is that he wants to raise our rent - A LOT. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that he made some vague references to his "cut" of the business. I asked Audrey want the fuck that was supposed to mean, and even she wasn't sure. Apparently he used the word "cut" several times as both a threat and an offer.

Even though Audrey sometimes acts like a total hard-nosed bitch to us, she's a total pushover when it comes to others. And on top of that, she has a rotten business sense. Combine the 2 and you get the word "SUCKER" tattooed on the forehead. The entire time I've worked for her, I've see her make some incredibly boneheaded decisions like:

The Portable Spa

A single person hot tub that has sat magnificently in the corner of the storage closet - unassembled - for 3 years now.

The Billboard to Nowhere
1 year of billboard space on an unused backroad, pointing towards a patch of woods. To find this billboard, you would have to be totally lost since the road doesn't lead anywhere. Now - if you realized you were lost, turned around, slowed down to 15 mph , then looked waaaaaay to your right, you might get a glimpse of our ad. Unfortunately, you would have to either get a flat tire or crash your car if you wanted to have enough time to actually read it or copy down our phone number.

The LED Message Board
Audrey put in our lobby one of those flashing LED message boards that read out the date and time, plus whatever crap you want it to say. Now when our customers have to wait for a session, they can pretend they're sitting in the DMV.

And my personal favorite...

The Rub-N-Tug Mug
Two cases of customized coffee mugs with our name, phone number, and the words "You're In Good Hands!" Seriously - Audrey didn't get the joke. Some travelling salesman she had as a customer talked her into it. I think 2 of our therapeutic customers took one, and the rest just sat there for months. One day I started handing them out to every guy who walked in saying "Burn it, throw it away, run it over with your car, I don't care. Just take it." I swear - the dumpster out back must have had a dozen coffee mugs in it that night.

Anyway, the landlord also used the words "us" and "we" a few too many times. Audrey said she was totally creeped out by the conversation and is now seriously thinking of bailing when the lease comes up in August. I wouldn't blame her either.

I've seen firsthand what happens when a guy tries muscling in on a Business. It can be a boyfriend of the owner, or a "silent" partner, or some other creep who thinks they can blackmail his way in. At first he'll pretend like he's providing a service like "security." Pretty soon he's telling you to suck his dick if you want to keep your job. And finally, he changes the locks and says your boss has decided to "retire" and now he's in charge. That's what can happen when you're in a legally hazy business and you don't have much recourse.

Let me tell ya, it wouldn't be too hard to move. When you think about it, you only have to move some session rooms, a kitchen and living room, and we can set up shop again. The important thing is the name of the Business, so customers will be able to find us again. I even reminded Audrey that this would be a good time to add on that tanning salon we've always talked about. We would become equal partners in the tanning and I would manage that while she still managed the Business. Funny thing about the 2 businesses - they pretty much require the exact same layouts.

It sounds like the landlord might be trying the blackmail approach to getting a piece of the Business. Well fuck him - If this asshole wants some cash, let him come down here and jerk off a couple guys himself. We can use the help now that Candy's gone. But in the meanwhile, I'll make sure Audrey doesn't do anything stupid with this jerk.

I've always wanted to run my own tanning business, so maybe this'll be my chance. I'd probably still keep my shifts at the Business, but spend my spare time at the salon. I don't know, we'll see. It's all just talk right now, so I still have plenty of time to tell some juicy stories.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

HappyEndingz - International Edition

Things have been rather dull around here lately, so I decided to try something different. I've started making friends with other erotic massage therapists, so I've been learning how they do business in other parts of the country. It's funny - I used to think that what we did here is typical of any massage parlor, but boy was I wrong. For example, in parts of California, it's not uncommon for parlors to give happy endings, but not offer any options. So that's why I'm starting this new topic called "HappyEndingz - International."
Now before we leave the country, I thought we'd start right here in the Good Ole U. S. of A. I've told you all about the Businesses here in SE PA, and let me tell ya - they're all pretty much the standard rub-n-tug with options, and full-service often available. But there are variations to how a parlor does business depending on where you are in the country. So today let me start with...

The Great Northeast
With all the truckers and businessmen we get through here, I've heard stories from EVERYWHERE. For example, if you head over to the Pittsburgh area of the state, you start to see less massage and more full-service in their Businesses. Meanwhile, the places in Jersey are a lot like here - hand release with options. And the closer you get to NYC, the more Asian places you'll find. Customers from NYC say there's no lack of parlors, but we're a hell of a lot cheaper out here in PA.

New England
Recently I've gotten a lot of complaints from guys from MA. I guess there was a recent crackdown on Businesses, and now they're almost impossible to find outside of the big cities. And I've had a number of readers e-mail me about the lack of places up in New Hampshire, Maine and Vermont. For you guys up there, all I can suggest is to hit the internet. Believe me - Businesses are everywhere - you just have to know where to look.

Oh Canada

A lot of my traveling customers have told me that upstate New York is practically not worth visiting since Canada is SOOOOOOOOO much better for parlors. When I first heard this, I didn't think much of it. I figured, so you can get a blowjob up there - so what? Get this - it turns out that massage parlors are legal in Canada. Actually, let me rephrase that. In Canada, there is nothing illegal about massage parlors. The way it was explained to me is not that the government condones what goes on, it just doesn't care. So Businesses up there are free to set up shop and advertise their services.

Canada sounds like a fun place if you're a horny guy. I've had 19 year old college kids tell me that they would road trip up to Windsor or Toronto and get a room for the weekend. Then they would call a liquor store and (are you sitting down?) have a case of beer DELIVERED TO THEIR HOTEL ROOM. Then they'd call up an escort agency and have a girl come over. AND IT'S ALL LEGAL. I guess Canada is proof that it's a man's world.

And then in a category all by itself is the biggest party town of all - Niagara Falls. All of my customers who've been up there say this place is insane. Apparently in Niagara Falls, you can find strip clubs that are actually ATTACHED to massage parlors! But these guys also tell me that the parlors up there are really just brothels, and you can't count on getting a real massage. In fact, if you just want a hand job, they said you can get that INSIDE the strip club - and it's perfectly normal!!!

I had this one customer who used to travel to Buffalo all the time for business, so he used to cross the border to "attend the ballet" every chance he got. He used to go to this one place where it wasn't uncommon to see 3 guys getting hand jobs and 2 more getting blown in the VIP lounge. I asked him what's the point of an attached massage parlor if you could get a happy ending inside the club. He said that if you wanted to actually fuck a dancer, you would arrange to meet her in the parlor next door. With that kind of shit going on up there in Canada, our humble little Business wouldn't last 2 seconds.

So that's it for the northeast. If any of you local guys have more stories to tell about this area, please share. And please don't stop visiting your places so you can save up your money for a trip to Canada. Remember - we're in a recession so we need your American dollars right here!


Friday, May 15, 2009

Freak of the Week - The Panty Bandit

Sorry I haven't had much to say recently guys, but things have been kinda slow and boring at work. Lots of the Regular Joes coming in, asking for the cheapest options. But the other day, I did have a guy ask to buy my used G-string.

Now I get requests like that so often, that I don't even consider these guys as candidates for Freak of the Week. What is it with guys and used underwear? Well, I guess I shouldn't say anything since I've actually seen what guys do with underwear.

A typical panty-buyer will usually just smell them while I do the hand release. Occasionally a customer will ask that I use my G-string to do the hand release - by wrapping it around his dick and then jerking him off with it. But I would have to say that the weirdest was the guy who took my panties, wadded them up into a ball, and then stuffed them down his throat while I did the hand release. That one kinda freaked me out.

This got me thinking about an old customer of mine, that we'll call Freddy. Like other panty guys, it started off innocently enough with him asking (jokingly) to have my G-string at the end of session. I said sure since I always keep extras around, and $60 for a $8 thong is a pretty good deal.

Let me explain here that $60 is the going rate for used underwear. We girls got together one day and set a price since it happens so often, and it's a sellers market since buyers NEVER say "no" once they've asked. And why is it that guys only want panties and never bras? I have a drawer full of old ones, and at $30 for a new one you guys can buy as many as you want. Make me an offer!

The next time Freddy came in, he asked to buy my G-string at the end of session, and I said "I don't know if you want this one... I bought it a year ago and it's ready to be thrown out. It's super comortable, so I wear it all the time..." Well let me tell ya - this little story only made Freddy want it even more. So I sold it to him! And I was honest too - I figured who would want some ratty old underwear?

And this became Freddy's "thing." He would offer to buy my panties after I told him a story about them. The better the story, the higher the price he would offer. In fact, it got to the point where I would sometimes bring in extra G-strings that had particularly good stories to tell:

"I wore these last Saturday while I was out dancing with my girlfriends..."

"My boyfriend pulled these off with his teeth the last time we fucked..."
"These are my lucky panties - I always seem to get lucky whenever I wear them..."

I'm not good at making stuff up, so the stories were more or less true. I would sometimes exagerate just to make them seem more sexy or funny, but it never really mattered since he just wanted to hear something/anything about them.

Now the most money he ever paid for a pair of my used panties was for a very true story about an old boyfriend. We had just broken up after a huge fight, but then got back together after I admitted it was all my fault (it was - I was a total bitch to this guy). Anyway, we were talking and finally decided to get back together. BUT he had a list of demands that included makeup sex.

I like makeup sex as much as the next person, but he REALLY wanted to get his revenge on me. So he asked for anal sex followed by a blowjob and ending with a facial. Now I rarely give up my ass, so that would indeed be a special treat for him. But if he thought I was going to put his cock in my mouth after it was in my ass - He might as well look for a new girlfriend.

After much bargaining, we settled on an ass fuck to be followed by a facial, with the understanding that he could NOT let that cock touch my face. That seemed to make him happy, so we went at it right then and there. He was so fucking horny, that he didn't even bother removing my thong. He just bent me over, pulled it to the side and started doing me from behind. So we both fucked like that for a while - two half clothed, angry people going at it like animals.

And let me tell ya - he obviously had some issues still because he fucked me HARD. Payback is certainly a bitch. Luckily for me, he got overly excited and ended up cumming before he wanted to. He completely forgot about my offer to let him pop on my face, so he just pulled it out and came all over my ass and the thong. However, the last laugh was on me because I had trouble walking for the next 3 days.

My first thought when I told this story to Freddy was that he wouldn't be interested in panties that smelled of sweat, ass and cum. But boy let me tell you - not only was he NOT offended, but he ended up offering me the most he's ever done. Even I was like "Dang - I ought to break up with guys more often!"

Now that I think about it, this is probably where I first started getting practice at telling sordid stories. Who knew that when I was just trying to turn some guy on to make a buck, that I'd be learning a valuable skill. Go figure!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Rabbit Hole - Part 2: The Conclusion

Now where were we? Oh yeah... I was standing in the middle of the dildo aisle, talking to a little old German man while trying to shield the eyes of my underage cousin.

Then things got weird.

"Ow can I elp joo ladies?" [Remember - you have to imagine a thick German accent].

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... " I managed. Then my razor sharp wits kicked in help make sense of things. I knew there was a reason why we were here... but what was it? What will bail me out.... Oh yeah! "Wanda sent us!"

"Ach!! Joo know Vanda?" His little face lit up. "Ow is she? Joo tell her ve have zum more of dose vunderful anal rings in shtock dat she loves." I cringed at that one - TMI (Too Much Information). My auntie would kill me if she knew what I was exposing her daughter too. But at the same time, I was dying to take a look around this place. So I asked him what exactly this place was. It turns out that the Rabbit Hole is one of the largest suppliers of adult entertainment and fetish items on the east coast - and this is their warehouse.

This place was strictly a warehouse for several years, and only recently decided to open up to the public at the urging of some of their clients. So they cleared out a corner and turned it into a kind of Walmart of bondage. The owners were from Germany and were INTIMATELY familiar with all of their wares. I got the impression that the husband was well known in fetish circles because of the quality and quantity of his merchandise.

We figured we may as well start the tour right here in the dildo department. Our shopping list included one, so we asked Fritz (we decided to just call him Fritz) to see some.

Forget I even asked...

Fritz started pulling out one fake penis after another. Each one bigger, fancier, and more expensive than the previous. Look, all we wanted was a fake dick to pass around between the girls at the party to play with and make jokes. But Fritz was showing us the absolute latest in artificial penis technology.

"Ach... Luke at de quality of dis piece!" He handed it to Catherine. "Veel dat material. Absolutely life like!" The hair stood up on the back my head when he did that. But it was hysterical - Catherine just sort of raised a finger and timidly poked at it. She nodded her head in agreement as if she knew the difference.

Trina grabbed it. She turned it around in her hand, stretched it, bent it, and rubbed it. If it were a new car, she would have kicked the tires. "Feels pretty real. Good weight to it." She handed it back to Fritz. "Got anything in black?"

This sort of took us down a whole other path. He showed us a black one that I swear was 2 feet long and had feet attached to the end of it. Another one was a foot long, but had a pump that was used to inflate it with water. However, that was not the highlight of the show. The last thing he brought out was this giant dildo that must have been 6 inches in diameter and 18 inches long!!!

I think Fritz saw our mouths drop because he quickly explained "Dis is for show only. I geet many requests for dis." Then he leaned in close, "...but not all joos it for show, ja?" I thought poor Catherine was gonna pass out.

Let me tell ya, Fritz was a freakin expert in everything he sold. After selecting a nice medium sized dildo (in black), he toured us around the place. Next was the dress dummies that were in Nazi uniforms, chain mail bikinis, and rubber outfits. Apparently his 3 most requested fetish lines. The bondage department alone was the size of a small convenience store. But what really got my attention were the "appliances."

There was a section dedicated to all sorts of motorized gear. The freakiest thing I saw was a sort of saddle that hung in a frame. In the middle of the saddle was a giant vibrator sticking straight up. Fritz said that was for extremely serious collectors only, but he sells a lot to adult movie production companies.

By now it was getting late, so we went through the rest of our list and picked up the last remaining items. Fritz insisted on us sampling the latest in edible body paints. To our surprise, Catherine was the first to just jump in there and try them out. Either she was just hungry, or excited that sex could be mixed with candy.

The last story I want to tell you about our afternoon is about the fetish clothing. Fritz brought an arm full of catalogs with every single fetish theme imaginable. You want a Little-Bo-Peep outfit in purple latex? He can get it for you. The catalogs were the funniest things. They start off innocently enough with men and women in sexy stripper outfits. Next is the standard leather dominatrix stuff. But finally it gets WEIRD. Rubber body suits with holes cut out for the naughty bits. And Latex that conforms to every curve of your body.

But what caught my eye was this nun's outfit made of body fitting rubber. It included the funny hat and everything! I told Fritz I'd love to try one on and he happily obliged. "Ach! Dis artist is vunderful. He is a master!"

Fritz eyed me up carefully, but eventually brought me an outfit that was obviously 2 sizes too small. I told him he made a mistake, but he just said that's the whole point of rubber fetish. It's about being tightly wrapped up.

I knew there was no way in hell I was gonna get into this skin tight outfit by myself. But now I had a dilemma. I could bring in Trina to the dressing booth, but that would leave Catherine alone with the German pervert. Or I could use Catherine's help - but would squeezing into a rubber fetish outfit qualify as contributing to the deliquency of a minor?

I figured supervised deliquency was better than unsupervised deliquency, so I brought Catherine with me. Inside the dressing booth I noticed a big bottle of baby powder. Turns out baby powder acts as a kind of lubricant to get you in and out of the rubber. So I stripped down, slathered myself in baby powder and then had my baby cousin help stuff me into this body suit. It took about 15 minutes of squeezing, yelling, swearing, pinching and holding my breath to do it, but I finally got that damn thing on.

And let me tell you - I looked AWESOME. As awesome as any nun with 36 DD's in skin tight rubber anyways. But boy was that thing constricting. I felt like my entire body was being slowly choked. Fritz assured me that was part of the fetish and that you have to work your way to wearing it for any length of time. I swear, if I had any fetish events to go to, I would have taken this outfit. But unfortunately I couldn't think of any and the the $600 price tag didn't help either.

Catherine spent another 15 minutes getting me out of that sausage casing. And then I had to put on my regular clothes with all that baby powder mixed with sweat. Ugh. I almost felt guilty about getting his nice nuns outfit all slimey, but then I figured he probably gets off on that kind of stuff.

We said goodbye to our new friend, and he said we could come back any time. He also added that he'd love for me to come model some of his merchandise at local events, but I was kinda weirded out by that. Heck - it took me 30 minutes just to get in and out of 1 outfit!! LOL

So that was our little adventure in the world of fetish gear. When I dropped off Catherine at my aunts later that night, I suggested she not mention the little German man and the dildo testing. She said she wouldn't even know where to start.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Rabbit Hole: Part 1

Since I told that story about my friend Wanda the Domme, I gave her a call just so we could catch up. She's doing fine and has figured out how to supplement her income in these troubling times. I guess when a stockbroker loses his ass for real, he no longer wants anyone to paddle it for him.

Wanda started this new gig doing BDSM shows at local strip clubs and fetish clubs. She takes a couple of her friends/colleagues to some night spot where she does demonstrations of BDSM techniques including:

Ritual Knot Tying
Candle wax
Knife play
Enemas (yes - enemas for fun)
Rubber/latex fashion
Electrocution (???!!!)

Wow. Being around Wanda is sometimes like being on another planet. Anyway, we were talking and the subject of bachelorette parties came up. Trina has to host a bachelorette party for a friend of hers, and we were planning on hitting the local adult boutique, which is little more than an X-rated Spencers. When I mentioned this, Wanda was like, "Unh-unh. I will tell you the perfect place to visit. Write this down and tell them I sent you..."

Well, she gave us directions to this place called the "Rabbit Hole." It's not listed in any phone book, or even the internet. All we had was a name and an address. So last weekend, Trina, my cousin Catherine, and myself decided to go on an adventure to buy cherry flavored condoms, penis straws, handcuffs, and glow-in-the-dark body paints. Catherine is my lovely baby cousin who's only 17, but she looks 21. I knew there wouldn't be a problem getting her in to our local boutique, so I didn't think anything of bringing her to the Rabbit Hole.

This place was almost 20 miles towards the city from where we are out in the country. But we didn't exactly find it. Instead, we ended up in this industrial park just off the freeway. So we drove around for a bit and finally parked in front of a storefront with the right number, but a sign that said "Jewelers." We walked up to a locked security screen door and peeked inside. It looked like a jewelry store inside with all the display counters.

A little old lady looked up from behind one of the counters, and buzzed us in. The 3 of us slowly walked in and suspiciously eyed the place. All I could think of was that Wanda had fucked us royally. The woman said "Can I elp you?" in a thick German accent.

I said "Uhhhhhhh... I don't know. We were looking for a place called 'The Rabbit Hole,' but got your address instead. Do you know where it is?"

Suprisingly, her face lit up and she said "Achhhh! Come dis vay!"

[OK - at this point let me just say that I have absolutely NO IDEA how to write with a German accent. Just take it as read that anything this woman says sounds like it came from Ilsa - Shewolf of the SS.]

She leads us behind the counter and into a back room full of desks and filing cabinets. We kinda nod hello to a couple old women stuffing envelopes and continue following the old German lady to a curtain on the other side of the room. She pushes it aside and beckons "Dis vay. Joo meet my husband, ja?"

Well the 3 of us walk past this curtain, and I swear to you ladies and gentlemen - it was just like that moment in Willy Wonka where the kids see the inside of the candy factory for the first time. But instead of candy, there was every single sex toy, adult DVD, porn magazine, and adult costume imaginable. And the Oompa Loompas were replaced by mannequins dressed up in chain mail and nazi uniforms.

The 3 us just sort of huddled together for comfort. Looking around, it was quite obvious that we were in the dildo aisle. The walls and shelves near the curtained entrance were covered from floor to ceiling in artificial penises. There was every size, shape and color imaginable. It was this particular moment that I became painfully aware that I was standing next to my sweet, innocent, little 17 year old baby cousin.

I turned to Catherine and she was just sort of looking around wide-eyed. I said to her, "Look Catherine... this kind of place is meant for mommies and daddies who love each other very very much."

Trina looked at me and said "Awww leave her alone. She probably knows more about this stuff than either of us." To which, Catherine giggled.

Then a short, white-haired man appeared out of no where and asked us in a very thick German accent, "Ach! Oww can I elp joo ladies?"

Let me tell you, it's very disconcerting to be totally surrounded by giant rubber pricks, talking to a man who looks like he should be making shoes instead of selling dildoes, while trying to shield the eyes of your underaged cousin.

And what happens next will have to wait because I'm late for work! Sorry to leave you hanging, but I gotta go make a living.


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Credit Cards

I got a funny comment the other day about how could you explain to the wife that you used the credit card to buy a gift card for a masseuse.

Credit cards are a double edged sword. It's just so easy to charge everything, as long as you don't mind the papertrail. We take credit cards here at the Business, but our policy is to use them only for the room charge. NO EXTRAS ON CREDIT CARDS.

This is for safety reasons - ours, not yours. As a mostly cash business, there is no papertrail as to what anyone spends here. The "official" books show what kind of business we've been getting, but only the room charges - no tips. And each of us usually maintains her own log on what kind of tips we've been getting.

The problem with this system though is that it doesn't apply to everyone. Guess who lets customers charge the extras? (drum roll please...) Mega Bitch Audrey of course!!! She thinks she's being slick too by running the cards when she thinks we're not paying attention. What an asshole. I don't know how many times I've had to turn away customers because WE couldn't let them use charge cards.

Another funny thing - Audrey never tried to hide the name of The Business on the charge slips. Say you came in and charged $60 for an hour session. The receipt would say our full business name - making it completely obvious what you did and where you did it!!!! Other places I've worked for used non-descriptive names like:

"Rt. 202"

This way, when the wife (or boss) finds your credit card statement, it looks more like a big client dinner bill than an afternoon of baby oiled delights. I can't tell you how many times I've had to handle THIS kind of phone call:

Me: This is CJ, How can I help you?
Angry Wife: What kind of business is this?
Me: This is a day spa ma'am. What can I help you with?
Angry Wife: I have my husbands credit card statement here and it says that on the 12th of March, he spent $150. What could he possibly have spent that amount on?
Me: I can't discuss credit card transactions on the phone ma'am.
Angry Wife: This is my husband! You tell me what he spent that money on!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, I can't discuss that.
Angry Wife: Fine, then just tell me what costs $150 there.

The correct answer is of course, 2 fingers up Audrey's snatch, but I usually just end the conversation with "I'm sorry ma'am."

So if you have a snooping wife or corporate card, do yourself a favor and just use cash. Especially if you want to negotiate extras. Nothing kills the mood faster than having to pause a session just to run a credit card.


Friday, May 1, 2009

It's A Boy!!!

Congratulations to Cindy who had her baby last night!!!!! It was a bit earlier than expected, but mom and baby are doing good. Baby X was born at 11pm and weighs 7 lbs. 3 ounces. I was there, along with the Baby Daddy. I don't know him all too well, but he seems to be a good guy.

Funny story - I've been fighting the Swine Flu for a couple weeks now, and I think I'm losing. Anyway, last night after Cindy went into labor, I started to feel sick, so I ended up disappearing into the bathroom throughout much of the labor pains. Poor Mr. Baby Daddy had to deal with most of it.

So finally, I threw up my dinner and then felt better. By the time I had cleaned myself up and got back to the delivery room, Baby X was just starting to appear. I was there for the whole thing and got to see the birth, the cord, the afterbirth, I mean everything.

Afterwards, I spent a lot of time doing the obligatory phone calls, e-mails and text messages to all their friends and family. I figured it was the least I could do so they could relax and spend time with the baby. Besides, when it comes to text messages and e-mail, they're both pretty clueless.

Speaking of clueless, have you ever seen a woman with implants try to breast feed a baby? It's scary. You keep worrying that poor baby's gonna suffocate, or get crushed by a flying boob. Those things are swollen so badly that they look even more fake than before.

After things settled down, I headed home early this morning. So now I'm dead tired, and I'm working night shift. I hope I make some money tonight so I can buy that kid some presents. I don't know what kind of a mom Cindy will make, but he's damn fortunate that he has Auntie CJ to look after him. All my nieces and nephews LOVE me.

So all of tonights happy endings are dedicated to Baby X. And if any of Cindy's Regulars show up tonight, I hope I can hit them up for donations. And if any of you out there are feeling generous, please send those Babies-R-Us gift cards!!

Auntie CJ