Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I need to get laid

I think I've discovered why I've been so blah lately. It was exactly 1 year ago that I had my last real romantic vacation getaway with Derek. After that, things just got busy for both of us, and then they just started to go downhill from there. There were no romantic getaways after that. Shortly after I took on responsibility for this shithole full time, and it was only recently that I had enough staff to take even a little trip to the Poconos.

So basically I need to get laid. I mean L...A...I...D - LAID.
I knew I was in trouble when customers started to look good. I get asked out a couple times a week by customers. When you weed out the ones that are just polite ways of asking if I'm full service outside of work, I figure I get a serious invite to go out on a date about once a month.
Well a new customer asked me out last week and I may have sort of implied that I might consider it. Now let me tell you something - if you think it might be awkward asking out someone AFTER you've seen them naked and given you an orgasm, you would be 100% correct. It's weird for them and it's weird for me.

It's basically dating in reverse order. Usually you take a girl out to in the hopes you'll impress her and eventually get lucky. In my case, you've already gotten lucky, and now you're offering to impress me.
Well, I already know that you're the kind of guy that goes to massage parlors to get handjobs from strange women you've just met. And I know what your "O" face looks like, so you're already in the negative points to start off with. What are you going to do now - tell me you're a God fearing Christian who loves his mama?

I've said it before and I'll say it again - it NEVER works out with customers. They either expect to get laid after your first date at Chili's, or they suspect you're getting laid by every other customer except him. Never dating a customer is one of the cardinal rules of working in a massage parlor.

And this is exactly why I lied to you guys just now and I actually went out with a customer last weekend. I didn't think I'd confess it when I sat down at the computer tonight, but after going on and on about how it's such a bad idea, I guess I just felt like I had to come clean.

Weird thing is that there really isn't much to mention about it. He did take me to Chili's. And it was OK. And he spent half the night trying to convince me that "I never went to a massage parlor before..." But he was so taken by me that "I had to get to know you."

Blah blah blah. And in case you were wondering - I didn't get laid. So even after enduring 90 minutes of listening to him try to convince me that he's "not like the others" I didn't even get lucky. I think it had to do with the fact that the entire time he was talking I couldn't help but think of how absolutely stupid his "O" face looked. I mean it was really bad - eyes crossed, lips puckered, and he made a sort of "EEE...EEE...EEE" sound. Just the thought of having to see that again, only inches from my face this time, just totally turned me off.

And this is just one of the many reasons why dating in reverse is such a bad idea.


Monday, October 8, 2012

The Sorority Girls of I Phelta Thigh.

What the heck is going on around here?  Sometimes I swear that I'm running a fucking girls dormitory from some bad late-night Cinemax porn movie.  When Audrey asked me to manage The Business, I just assumed that it wouldn't be much more than ordering cases of massage oil, and answering the phones.

Instead I got 99 problems and a bitch is all of them.  I know I haven't been around to chat recently, but I've been busy putting out fires.  Here are just some of problems I've been dealing with:

Kimmie going to 3rd base with her customers
Britney's new stalker
Maude's decorating "expenses"
Audrey's unexpected visits
My job offer

Kimmie - After hiring an ex-escort, who would have thought that my "good girl" would be the first one to give in to the dark side?  One night we were just bitching about work and things, and out of the blue she says "Don't you hate it when the guys finger you without cutting their nails?"  


I couldn't figure out if I should be angry or laughing my ass off.  Maude picked the latter.  As calmly as I could manage, I asked her to explain.  Apparently Kimmie subscribes to the Bill Clinton definition of "sex."  In other words, as long as you can't make a baby then it's not sex.  Meaty fingers plunging inside a pussy?  Not sex!  Customers tongue up your ass?  Not sex!    But to her credit, Kimmie did draw the line when asked to suck cock.  Hey, a girl's gotta have standards, right?  Needless to say, I recalibrated her - much to the dismay of some of her new fans.  

Then there's Britney.  In this industry we've all had our share of stalkers, and Britney is no exception.  An overzealous customer started showing up just to "hang out." 

Really?  at a massage parlor?  It's bad enough when we have 2 guys standing in the lobby trying their best not to make eye contact, but here's a guy who wants to just hang out without making an appointment.  I don't think so.  Maude knew enough to throw his ass out, but then he started coming by during the night shift and weekends.  I told Britney that under no circumstances is she to allow him to come in without an appointment or stay a minute longer than his session.  She's here either with me or Trina, but still - a guy who over stays his welcome always make you nervous.

I've got more stuff to share, but I'm getting tired so I'll share more tomorrow.