Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Setting the Record Straight

I know it's been a couple months now, but I just wanted to clarify a few things here.

First off, contrary to whatever you may have read, I have not dumped Derek. My 2nd April fools day post was not me. I just reposted something from a reader in the comments that I thought was funny.

Bad idea.

I see that what I find funny may not necessarily be funny to you guys. So I promise never to do that again. Well, at least I promise to fully annotate anything that isn't mine. So there.

Another thing I wanted to make clear is that I am still a fully employed erotic masseuse. What you read here is what really happened lately. It may be a couple weeks old by the time I get around to writing about it, but it's still what really goes on around here. I don't know how many times I've gotten emails from guys wondering if I'm still in The Business.

Which brings me to another topic - I can't see any readers as customers. So guys, please stop asking me if you can make an appointment. You really don't know how much I would appreciate the business! And to have the luxury of actually talking to a reader during session would be soooooo cool. But unfortunately, I have to remain anonymous if I'm going to keep talking about work.

And speaking of remaining anonymous... it's getting harder and harder all the time. At first, the only people who really knew about the blog were me, Cindy, Trina and my techno-nerd Velma. Then as time went by, there were some over zealous readers who got awfully close to figuring out who I am. Then just last week, Trina and her boyfriend were surfing for any references to The Business (yes - she's dating a guy who knows what she does), when he found some interesting stories that sounded awfully familiar...

"Hey Trina, you gotta read this. It sounds just like your work..."


Trina laughed it off, but damn that was close. The last thing I need is Trina getting in trouble from something I said here. Actually, the last thing I need is me getting in trouble, but I'm sure Trina is a close second.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Help Wanted

I really need to update this damn thing more often. Every time I sit down I realize just how much crap is going on, and when I start to talk about one thing, I forget about something else.

For example, last weekend you guys were in severe danger of getting my first drunken post. It was late at night and I was nursing a really good buzz when I thought "Hey! I should write something about that thing that was soooo funny..." which is how all good ideas start right? Lucky for you guys, before I could save it, Derek walked in on me and in a drunken panic I ended up hitting the power button. If I had been logged onto blogger, it would have been saved, but I was writing it on notepad.

Anyway, I'm sure it was the most profound and interesting stuff I had ever said. Oh well.

But now that I'm sober and boring, I can tell you about the parade of winners that have been coming here looking for a job. Now that Cindy's gone, Audrey told her sister Maude to start looking for a replacement. It's really not that hard either since we get 1 or 2 girls a week who stop by looking for a job.

In this line of work we can't exactly put an ad in the "Help Wanted" section. But if we could, it would probably look something like this:

We have an immediate opening for an experienced Masseuse at a small boutique spa discretely located next to the freeway where you will enjoy a hands-on experience with our exciting all-male clientele. License a plus, but not required. Must be willing to work nights and weekends. Uniform optional. Literally.

Unfortunately, we can't do that, so the closest we can do is say "Now Hiring" in our bi-monthly ad in the local free paper. In fact, you'll notice in a lot of ads for adult-oriented services, there will be a "Now Hiring" somewhere in there. Go look in your local yellow pages under "escort" and you'll probably see what I mean.

So the other day, Maude gets the order from Audrey to start gathering contact info from girls looking for work. Maude had never done anything like this before, so she went on the internet and did some research on hiring. Let me tell ya, that woman certainly takes her job seriously. So seriously in fact that she actually downloaded some generic "Application for Employment" sheets from the internet.

Now I've worked in places where the 3 requirements for employment were:

1) Tits
2) Ass
3) Nothing else

So you should have seen the look on these girls faces when Maude handed them a clipboard and said "Fill this out." It was basically 2 pages of contact info, job experience, references, and my personal favorite - "Why do you want to work here?" Trina and I found that one so funny that we spent an entire afternoon making up answers including:

"Because crack ain't free"
"They cut my hours at the strip club"
"My ex would never find me here"
... and my personal favorite...
"I'm a people person"

Honestly, I don't give a rats ass who they end up hiring at this point - as long as she shows up on time, doesn't steal my purse, or eat my food in the fridge. Is that sad or what?

And to make things more interesting, Audrey asked Trina and I to actually pick the next girl. Fun. I can't wait to start reading those applications. Maybe we can turn it into a drinking game where you have to chug every time someone lists their probation officer under "references."


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Cindy's Clientele

Well it's happening. Trina and I have divided up Cindy's shifts and we're finally starting to see what her life here was like. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but I think a good example would be the TV news story where all the neighbors are saying "...but she was always so quiet..."

Not that Cindy was a serial killer or anything, but her customers... Whoa. I'll give it to that girl - she definitely had her own fan base. I will concede that there are a few men out there who apparently like girls with tattoos, piercings, and giant fake breasts . I don't understand the appeal, but then again I don't understand why Jesse James left Sandra Bullock for that tattooed nazi girl either.

But I think the most suprising thing about Cindy's Regulars is that she wasn't fucking all of them. I mean, we've heard her going at it in the room (when Maude's not around). So we just kinda assumed that she was totally full service at this point. Turns out we were wrong.

Cindy left us with a list of guys she wanted to give her number to. Over the last week or so, I've managed to cross a couple names off her list. Two guys left when I told them she wasn't working here anymore, but the rest stayed. And I even welcomed back a couple of my old Regulars that she had managed to steal. These were the ones that gave me the real scoop on what Cindy was like in session.

Apparently some guys are really into the "Suicide Girl" look. Cindy automatically got all those customers. Most customers prefer the "girl next door" look, and a lot of guys were really turned off by her. So she had a relatively small but loyal fan base.

I asked a couple of guys why they left me for her. Most popular answer - her ass. They said it was her round, bubble-shaped ghetto booty that brought them back. Mine is relatively small and shapely, but Cindy had a little junk in her trunk. Apparently her most popular option was topless because it stripped her down to a never-ending parade of sexy panties.

Then I asked what, if anything, did she do in the room that was special. I fully expected to hear that she was offering blow jobs or at least finger banging, but no. Most popular answer - butt release. Turns out she was offering butt releases for only $50 and thus cornered the market (and I was wondering why none of my customers were asking for them anymore!). As one of my informants put it, "There was nothing hotter than having her bend over the table, drip lube down her ass-crack, then beg us to shoot a load on her tramp stamp."

Personally, I don't know why you guys find that so hot. I mean, don't you get enough of that at home?

I've been talking to Cindy almost everyday and she's still upset about what happened. She hopes to see some of her Regulars outside of The Business, but that's always tricky. It's surprising how some customers can be nicest guys at work, but the minute you see them outside The Business they become raving assholes.

So I eventually just straight up asked her who she's been fucking in the room. She laughed and confessed that she had 2 sugar daddies. When I suggested that number seemed a little low for all the noise she had been generating, she said the rest were just guys she thinks are hot.

That's my girl.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Cindy Got Fired

Cindy got fired last week. It ended up being a horrible week with a lot of yelling, screaming and fingers being pointed. Shit - at one point even I was ready to just walk out since Audrey was being a total bitch (as usual). Let me take a big breath and tell you what happened.

Cindy got caught short-changing the door fee. It's not right, and I told Cindy a hundred times before to knock it off. I don't do it myself because it's just not worth it. Apparently what happened is that Cindy got greedy and would collect the door fee for whatever time the customer wanted. But then she would book a lesser amount of time and then pocket the difference. Obviously this was done when she was working by herself.

It comes out to $10-$20 per customer and that's it. I mean it's so not worth it to lose your job over that amount - and that's what I've always told her. Maude doesn't know the ins and outs of the business, so she never noticed. It was Audrey who got her. I guess she was reviewing the books and noticed that when Cindy worked with Maude, she routinely booked 45-60 minute sessions. But when she was alone, she was booking a lot of 30 minute sessions. I mean you can get away with it if you sneak one in now and then - but Cindy got sloppy and started doing it every chance she got.

In a way, I can't blame Audrey for firing her. But damn if she didn't end up pissing us all off by accusing Trina and I of the exact same thing. And as the week went on, the accusations kept getting worse and worse. So after a few days of on and off fighting, even I was reminding Audrey of every customer she ever stole from us and how we all knew she was blowing guys left and right.

It was pretty ugly for a few days there. And poor Maude - I think she turns a blind eye to what goes on behind our session doors. But even she couldn't pretend not to hear what was being said (or screamed) right in front of her. I mean it's not like she doesn't know what we all do for a living, it's just that she doesn't really get involved or even ask about it. As far she's concerned, after she books a customer her job is done.

Since she's been gone, I've been trying to let her customers know what happened - out of earshot of Maude. Cindy gave me a list of certain Regulars to pass her phone number to. I'll do what I can to help her out, but in the end she acted stupid and got busted.

As for me, I almost never short-change the door fee. But I do have a trick or two up my sleeve for when I don't feel like giving Audrey her due. Even I'm a little reluctant to share them here - that's how nervous Audrey makes me. But maybe later. Let's just say that I'm way more discrete when I screw her over.

And to make matters worse, now Trina and I have to take over all of Cindy's shifts. Two girls running an entire business? But the awful part is going to be putting up with her old customers who expect a tad bit more than just a handjob. Let's just say that she took customer service VERY seriously. The last time I called her at work, she answered the phone with "... Hell... Oh... C... J... oh baby don't stop... What's... up... girl?..."

What can I say, she was a lousy coworker but I still love her to death.