Thursday, January 29, 2009

HappyEndingz: The Motion Picture

One of you guys commented that we should do a movie of The Business. So whadya think? I was laughing my ass off at the thought. Technically I guess you could say that there's already a movie of The Business, but I think those videos are better suited for an adult bookstore instead of the big screen. But a movie with Tara Reid as the loveable, but troubled young me - that would be something.

Of course she'd have to wear a padded bra! LOL

I asked Trina again who she would want to play her, and she said (and I shit you not) the girl from Ugly Betty. She couldn't explain why, other than it would be pretty funny. Cindy said she'd like to be either Angelina Jolie or that girl from Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria. Cindy actually looks a little like Eva - if she had huge fake breasts and no ass (and 5 months pregnant).

As for Audrey, we took a vote and decided that she should be played by Coco Chanel. Not because they look alike, but because Coco was a mean, greedy, power hungry bitch. Looks wise, I guess you could compare her to a short, blonde version of Cher (after a car accident - LOL).

Then for the customers, we could have a whole bunch of celebrity cameos. How about George Clooney as the mysterious Sugar Daddy, and Brad Pitt as the married man who's wife doesn't fulfill his needs. I know - that sounds way to far fetched. If we wanted to be more historically accurate, we would need Artie Lange as the alcoholic travelling salesman, Larry the Cable Guy as the trucker who hasn't showered in 4 days and Andy Dick as the guy that wears stockings and wants to be spanked.

I don't know... I've always thought that this place would make for a great reality TV show. I mean HBO has their whorehouse show in Vegas, so why not us? I realize that what they do in Nevada is a bit more legal when compared to us, but I think we would be much more interesting since we're not just about sex. At least we shouldn't be, but that topic could be saved for a 2 hour special - "On a very special episode of HappyEndingz... Trina blows a customer to pay her cable bill..."

We could show all the freaky customers, and all the trash talk that goes in on the back room. I mean this would make for some great TV. Look at all the crap that's out there now. I mean, who really wants to see a room full of skanks fighting to sleep with that ugly Flavor Flav? (Wait - that's not you guys, is it? I take that back!). Instead, how about a room full of skanks fighting over a customer who arrived in a Lexus?

Now if there are any big Hollywood TV producers out there reading this, you would make a fortune just following Cindy around with a camera. That would make for the freakiest reality TV show of all time. "In this weeks episode of 'Cindy's Life:' In the spirit of generosity, Cindy dumps a dime bag in a Salvation Army kettle ..."

But If ever decide to make a quick buck in the world of internet porn, I'd call up my old friend Jared with the videos we made in Session. Assuming that there's a market for HJ and facial videos! LOL


Monday, January 26, 2009

The Worst Blind Date Ever

I haven't updated you guys on my personal life lately, mostly because there's been nothing to update. But all that changed this weekend. I don't like to go off topic, but this was kinda sad and funny at the same time.

As you might have remembered, I went back on the internet dating thing a few months ago. The results were pretty much zero. I've discovered that when I finally have time to sit in front of my computer, it's way more fun to gossip about work with you guys than it is to e-mail perfect strangers about how much I like long walks on the beach. I swear these guys are so boring - it's like pulling teeth to get anyone to say anything intelligent.

Anyway, I'm friends with this married couple (we'll call them Martha and Ross) who know someone who know's someone who's "perfect" for me. In other words, it's a friend of a friend of a friend. When you're that far removed, "perfect" means little more than "single." I said "Sure, what the fuck?" I guess I could use a free meal just like the next girl.

So we ended up exchanging phone numbers and "Craig" finally called me 2 weeks ago. He's about my age, never married, owns a business selling computer stuff, too busy to date, hates 'American Idol,' blah blah blah. I told him I'm a shampooist at a local day spa, with similar issues. We exchanged our dating resumes as is routine, but after that we started talking and he turned out to be pretty interesting.

Instead of a "date" date, we decided to meet at the next big get-together between our common friends. Turns out that he has a similar twisted sense of humor as me, so we planned a few ways to mess with our friends minds. He even called me a couple times before the date to work on our jokes, and just to chat. So in other words everything seemed perfectly fine for our first meeting on Saturday night.

The plan was for my friends to meet at his place, then we'd all ride over to a local sports bar to meet everyone else. I took my own car and followed Marsha and Ross over (just in case, if you know what I mean). Craig owns a rather spacious 2 bedroom condo 2 towns over from me. We all go upstairs and not just Craig, but 4 guys greet us at the door. I recognize him from a pic he texted me, so I introduce myself and he gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek in front of his 3 friends.

These guys don't even bother to introduce themselves, since they're busy drinking, grinning and winking at each other. Then all 4 of them just walk away and return to the TV in the living room - leaving Marsha, Ross and me at the door! Ya know, a little tour of the place woulda been nice.
Being offered a beer would have been even nicer.

I give Marsha a look and she gives me one back. Ross just shrugged his shoulders. We decided to just follow them into the living room, but we don't bother to take our coats off since we're not getting a "sit down and relax" kind of vibe. After a few minutes of us talking amongst ourselves and them laughing and joking amongst themselves, Marsha kicks Ross and he suggests loudly that we head over to the bar. On the drive over, I was racking my brain - trying to remember if ignoring me was one of our little jokes we had planned. I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Finally at the bar, there's a group of about 10 other people that we join - half at the bar, half at tables. I sit down at the bar and Craig is quick to order me a drink - first correct thing he's done so far this evening. Turns out to be the last. In fact, the next 2 drinks I ordered and paid for myself.

Craig sat next to me at the bar, but he spent the ENTIRE night with his back turned to me. At first I was facing him and his friends and would try to join the conversation, but it just wasn't happening. Finally I just turned around and started glaring at my friends for doing this to me. After my 2nd drink, we actually started joking about it and I finally started to enjoy myself.

Trina texted me about the date, and I told her how awful it was. She didn't believe me, so I actually took a picture with my cell phone showing Craig sitting there with has back to me. I sent 3 more identical pics throughout the evening. She later told me she was laughing so hard by the 3rd one that she almost crashed her car.

A couple of times I heard my name followed by a couple of giggles, but that was pretty much the total interaction I had with my "date" and his friends. It was during a restroom break that I decided this evening was over. Didn't even bother to say "bye" to anyone, just went straight out the door and jumped in the car. I got home and changed into PJ's. I was brushing my teeth when I heard my phone beep. It was a text message.

I found my phone in my jacket pocket and that's when it occurred to me - where the hell is my purse? I checked everywhere and realized I must have left it in the ladies room back at that damn bar. I called the bar - no purses found. I called Marsha - she was already home too. FUCK!! My purse is gone. I was particularly pissed because I had $250 in cash, plus a gift card for Olive Garden that I was planning on using this weekend. This may sound weird, but the Olive Garden thing was more upsetting than the cash because it was a gift from my sister.

When I finally calmed down and accepted that my shit was gone, I figured How could the evening get much worse? That's when I remembered the text message. It was from Craig. It's still on my phone and I will quote it here in all of it's romantic glory.

where u @ i bot u a beeer

It's a miracle I didn't throw my phone through the wall.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cindy's First Day

Cindy is 5 months pregnant.

How's that for a starter? That pretty much sums up how her first day back at work went. Talk about an ice breaker. I figured things would be awkward (to say the least) since I was scheduled to be alone with her that first shift, but boy let me tell ya - nothing breaks the ice better than a good old baby out of wedlock.

Since she just spent 5 months in jail, the nearest I can figure is that she must have gotten knocked up on the drive over. Turns out she just started dating this guy a couple months before she went to jail. Personally, I was suprised to hear that she actually kept a guy around for a whole 2 months! Cindy's the kinda girl to fuck 'em and leave 'em. Well, to be more accurate, Cindy is the kinda girl to:

1) fuck 'em
2) rip 'em off
3) leave 'em.

And in case you're wondering, yes - she's starting to show. She's got the baby bump and swollen breasts, which is funny because now her implants actually look even more fake than before. I imagine that she's only got a month or 2 left before no one will want a nude option with her, but if you like them big old fake titties, then Cindy's the girl for you.

She's the one I talked about a while ago who got a Sugar Daddy to spring for implants. Then a month later she dumped him. If I remember correctly, I think that poor guy got to see his investment maybe twice before he got ditched. That's Cindy for ya.

I imagine there's gotta be some pervs out there that would get turned on by a pregnant girl. Cindy managed to do 2 customers that first shift - both topless. I guess they weren't looking at her belly. She said she'll keep going till customers start turning her down. I'm still waiting to see if some guy pays her to cum on her belly.

As you can tell, I'm terribly amused by all this. But don't confuse my amusement with forgiveness. She's still a lying, cheating, skank. But she used to be my best friend and being around her turned out to be almost as comfortable as the old days.

Some of you probably can't believe that I can forgive the theft of $2500. I haven't - it's just that after time it just doesn't seem that important anymore. Besides, where else am I gonna find a girlfriend who feels comfortable enough to blow her boyfriends in front of me while we all sit around watching TV? That kinda friendship is priceless.

Don't worry though - I'll still keep an eye on my wallet.


p.s. I will be accepting Babies-r-Us gift certificates for the "Cindy's lil Bastard Fund." Please give - this poor kid is gonna need all the help he can get!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

FBSM - or Confessions Of A Not-So Erotic Massage Therapist

I got a question last week concerning what I know about FBSM. Well honestly, I had never heard the term before so I looked it up. Boy, did I feel stupid. FBSM stands for Full Body Sensual Massage. Personally I use the term Full Body Massage, but it also goes by:

Happy Ending Massage
Relaxing Massage

and my least favorite...The ol' Rub n' Tug

I feel silly because technically FBSM is what I do for a living, but I practice just 1 aspect of it which is a full body massage followed by a hand release. I guess FBSM implies more of a sexual aspect including massage techniques specifically for the naughty bits.

My technique basically consists of up, down, and repeat as necessary. As for the "sensual" aspect, I don't think taking my top off really qualifies. Occasionally I'll be asked for what I call a "soft massage" where the massage consists mostly of caressing type motions. I may also get asked to pay special attention to the balls throughout the entire massage. And I have done a couple sessions where the guy has asked me to apply the oil to him by applying it to my breasts first, then rubbing myself all over him. I guess the breast release and butt release would also qualify as FBSM techniques too. So now that I think about it, I'm familiar with some of it - I just may not practice it all that often.

However, I was actually introduced to some of the advanced techniques of FBSM a few years ago by a customer. Here I am doing this for a living, and now a customer is teaching ME some new tricks! Anyway, I was doing a mutual massage with this guy (who was a new customer at the time) when he asked if he could do a "special" massage of my groin area. At first I said "no" because it sounded like he just wanted to finger fuck me (I get this often). Then he explained it was nothing like that, so I reluctantly agreed since I was kinda curious.

So there I was... spread eagle on the table with this guy's face just inches away from my pussy. With his thumb and index finger, he starts doing this wonderful massage of my inner thighs. I mean this guy knew what he was doing. Then he works his way up until he's working the area from my taint to around and just over my lips. So he's not actually touching my pussy or the lips, but just the areas around them. Let me tell you - it was INCREDIBLE. It didn't exactly get me aroused in a sexual kinda way, but it felt amazing nevertheless.

After several minutes of bliss, he asked me to do it to him. I figured it was the least I could do for putting me on a cloud. Every time after that, I DEMANDED he do that special little massage for me. The first time, I swear I had trouble walking afterwards. It was funny because I had a boyfriend at the time and he noticed I was walking with a slight limp that night. What was I going to tell him - that it's just a normal workplace accident for me? LOL

Unfortunately for me, that customer is long gone. So what I've resorted to now is teaching it to a couple of my favorite regulars - guys that I know I can trust not to try and stick a finger in me. As for returning the favor... I save that little gem for special occasions when I really want to demonstrate my appreciation of a customer. What about the boyfriend you ask? Well, I couldn't exactly try it on him, now could I? What was I gonna say - "Hey honey, Iay back and relax. I wanna try something on you that I just learned today from a total stranger"? That moment had to wait for the NEXT boyfriend. Oh well, his loss.


Friday, January 9, 2009

The Return of Cindy

I don't even know where to begin on this one, but the other day Audrey sat me down and dropped a bombshell on me.

"Guess who's out of jail?"

I swear my jaw must have dropped to the floor. "Nooooooooooo! Has it been 9 months already?"
Audrey smiled. "Actually it was only 5 months." I think she saw my brow kinda make a squishing shape because she said "Yeah I know what you're thinking, but I think she's OK now."

For those of you who don't memorize every word that I've written (shame on you! Go get started now - I'll wait), Cindy is a co-worker from the "old days." She was my BFF before Trina and one of my oldest friends. We've all known each other for years, and between all the different places I've worked at, I've probably spent the most time with her. Whenever I have a really freaky story to tell about work - chances are Cindy had something to do with it.

"You hired her back, didn't you?" I asked in my most serious voice. I knew it was a done deal from the second I heard the name "Cindy," but I still wanted to hear her actually say it.

Audrey avoided my eyes. "We need the help." I know why she took her back. She may not be the most consistent worker, but she definitely brings in the customers. Cindy is one of those girls who can really manipulate a guy and get him to do whatever she wants. Oh the stories I could tell...

"No we don't!" I was getting angry now. "It's bad enough trying to make tips with the 3 of us on. Now you want to split things up even more?" I may have said a lot of other things, but I knew arguing didn't matter. What's done is done. But Audrey knows good and well why I don't want her back.

Cindy had a SERIOUS drug problem. That's one of the reasons why we stopped talking to each other a couple years ago. Things headed downhill when she started getting arrested for DUI, possession, theft, etc. Well, that's one of the reasons why Audrey let her go the first time - she was becoming a liability. Showing up to work stoned is one thing. Showing up IN POSESSION is something else. Nothing gets a Business shut down faster than rumors of drugs on the premesis.
But that's the main reason why I had to stop seeing her. I used to love her to death - more than my sister even! I realized I had to dump her when one day I discovered $2500 missing from my purse.

Here's the story... Just a couple years ago business was booming. Ya ever wanna know which way the economy is going - just ask either a carpenter or a masseuse. We're the first to see how people are spending their money! Anyway, I remember it was this holiday weekend and the Business was jumping. Audrey was on vacation so the rest of us were just cleaning up big time.

Cindy and I had been working doubles so we were both loaded with cash (and by "doubles" I mean double shifts and not 2 girls 1 guy. We had our share of those too, but more of that later). It was Sunday night and I was dead tired. Me and another girl were cleaning up around the place so we could lock up and go. The last time I saw Cindy, she was having a smoke with some guy out front I was her ride home, so I knew she wouldn't wander off.

The other girl headed home and I started looking all over for Cindy so we could split. I went outside and there was no one. Back inside I started calling her name - nothing. So then I checked my cell phone. No calls or texts from her. I called her - no answer. I put my phone back in my purse and that's when I noticed that something was wrong. My wallet looked funny, so I opened it.

You ever see a wallet filled with $2500 in cash? It actually LOOKS like it contains $2500 in cash. I mean it bulges in ways you only see in cartoons. And this was my take from working 5 straight shifts from Friday to Sunday night.

So there it was - a completely empty wallet. And you wanna know the worse part? The very first person I thought of was Cindy. My heart was pounding in my chest as I picked my cell phone back up. I was so angry that my hands were shaking as I dialed the phone. After like my 3rd time of trying to push the right buttons I finally got it to work. It went direct to voicemail.


I didn't actually yell it, I just sort of said it through gritted teeth. Needless to say, she wasn't home when I got there. In fact, I didn't see or hear from her for a couple of weeks. She never showed up to work again, but Audrey later said that she had finally called just to let her know she had quit. I heard from her eventually and it was pretty much as I had suspected. My money from that weekend was long gone. She was sorry.

Things were just never the same again after that. I mean, I still spoke to her now and then. And I'd get the occasional bit of gossip from a mutual friend or a cop/customer. The latter was usually about her getting arrested again for something. Funny thing though - I have always maintained contact with her grandmother. We call each other every couple of weeks or so just to catch up. Nice lady. We don't agree on much, but we both worried about Cindy in our own little way.

And that's it in a nutshell. It's all ancient history to me now. I can work with her, I just wouldn't trust her with 50 cents, let alone my wallet.


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

How To Get Free Handjobs - And Other Things I Shouldn't Be Telling You

Sometimes I forget that this is supposed to be a "confessions" thing, but lately the topics have been rather uncomfortable for me. I really hate talking about the legal stuff - as you can tell. I really don't want to turn this into a debate over what we can and can't get away with. Let's just say that all of the stuff that me and fellow masseuses have done over all these years - well, we've gotten away with it. So let's just leave it at that.

Now last time I mentioned how I used to give away happy endings. Well, it was at the first Business I worked at, and I had to put up with it for about a year and a half. But don't bother looking for it now - it's long gone. Like a lot of places, it eventually switched over to full service and closed down. I left way before that happened.

Ya wanna know how many guys I jerked off for free during that first year - too many to count! If you remember, that place was owned by two women I affectionately called Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn. They figured that mandatory happy endings were a little legal loophole - after all, it's not prostitution if I give it to you for free! This was one of those "obvious" massage parlors. I mean, it didn't even try to look like a day spa or anything. At that time the place was partly full-service (except for good girls like me). Not that it was supposed to be - but some girls were breaking the rules big time.

This was the deal... The house pocketed all the "massage" money at the door. The only $$ we made were off the options in the room. I think back in those days we charged $40 for topless, $60 for G-string, $80 for nude and $100 for mutual. Then there was the "no options" option - which was a straight massage where I kept all my clothes on, but I still had to give a happy ending!

Now that I think about it, I'd say about half my customers back then were the "no option" cheapskates. How on Earth did we put up with it you ask? Well, the paying customers more than made up for it. But after a couple months of free handjobs, I started to bitch to the other girls and eventually we came up with a plan. We started asking for a $20 "tip" for the massages up front.

This plan was implemented with mixed results. Some guys told us to go fuck ourselves, while most just gave in. Then there were a few who "tipped" us a dollar or 2 - just to piss us off. They were still getting their happy ending, but NOW it was starting to make us angry. So we all finally complained to Dee and Dawn and they agreed to let us stop with the mandatory HJs.

But before you guys start accusing me of false advertising, I will let you know right now that there are still businesses out there that give it up for free. In fact, one of the full-service Businesses across town still offers handjobs for a $5 massage tip (but their girls are all skanks and not nearly as nice as us!). But I try not to mention that little tidbit in front of OUR customers.

So that's your tip of the day - if you're willing to give up a nice view of a half naked masseuse, you may get a freebee out of it. Wait to see what options they offer then go for none (or the cheapest). There's a pretty good chance that your masseuse will make your day - Just because she wants to! LOL