Saturday, January 30, 2010

New Links!

By popular demand, my Techno Geek and I have finally managed to throw some links together for those of you who requested some quick reference material for you newbies...Code Words, Lingo, How to Find a Massage Parlor...

They are conveniently located just under my profile pic on the right column...

I think we pretty much covered it, but if you guys and gals have any suggestions for additional links or categories, just let me know!


Friday, January 29, 2010

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Throw them at the son of a bitch that's been making your life miserable.

Over the course of a week, I had to pull myself off the Playboy Radio channel, AND I lost my Facebook page. In one case I revealed too much, in the other - not enough. Go figure.

And now to complicate things even further, Audrey threw a curveball at me. It's been almost 2 weeks now that she's been out and left me in charge. By the way I see things, I've managed to hold this place together and nothing has burned down. Yet.

Then she calls me last night and tells me she may not be back in 2 weeks. In fact, she may not be back in February. Her other situations, fiascos and crisis have definitely kept her busy and now it turns out she may not be back till March or April (or maybe never). And I'm in charge till then!!!!

Not like I don't run the place already... It's just that it's extra work and responsibility. And if anything goes wrong, I have no one to blame. But the worst thing is that it happens at a time when I was thinking of maybe cutting back my hours and trying to supplement my income with a "real" job.

Well you know what they say? When fate opens a door, it closes all the rest. They say that, don't they? I always talked about having my own business, I just didn't really want it to be this one!!! I guess that tanning business is gonna have to wait.

So what do you think guys? Golden opportunity or head for the hills?


Wednesday, January 27, 2010


OK, I was expecting this. With Audrey gone for over a week now it was just a matter of time before her Regulars started showing up on our shifts. We were all kinda looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. And this is a perfect example why...

2 days ago I got a guy demanding me to take her cut rate prices. Fuck that. I told him "Hey - you get what you pay for." He finally saw things my way - particularly after the bra came off. The Girls can be very helpful in negotiations. And I told Cindy and Trina to stand their ground and not cut their rates either.

Then there was my first customer today... an Audrey Regular who I've seen before, but never really spoken to. Tall skinny guy - looks like he has no sense of humor. Well today he walks in and sees me at the front desk.

"Uhhhhh... can I see Audrey please."

"I'm sorry sir, but she's away and won't be returning to work for a couple of weeks. Can I help you?"

"Uhhhhhh... Audrey please."

It's going to be one of those days I say to myself. A girl doesn't like feeling invisible, but this is ridiculous. Luckily for this guy, I'm a people person. "I'm sorry sir... but she is not here. I can help you if you..."

"Jesus help us!"

That little ejaculation is not what I was expecting (yes - as a good little Catholic girl, I know what an ejaculation is, thank you very much). Of course now I'm not sure what kind of help he needs if he's turning to Jesus for guidance at the front desk of a massage parlor.

"Uhhhhhh... I'm sorry miss... I usually see Audrey... Is Audrey..."

"NO - she's not here" I finish his thought, "and probably won't be back till next month." THIS is why I don't want Audrey's damn customers and I know that I'm going to regret doing this, but damnit - I'm in charge and I need to step up to the plate. "Would you like a session?" I manage to say politely.

"Jesus help me... Jesus help me..." he kinda mumbled a few times before saying "yes" in a small voice.

I directed him to my room when I saw him heading to Audrey's. I told him to get comfortable and then I left him alone for a few minutes. I figured as one of her Regulars he knows the routine. Even so, I was not surprised when I returned to find him fully clothed and sitting on the massage table.

I sighed. "You've been here before, right?" He nodded. "What options do you normally take with Audrey?" It was at this point that I noticed the yellow "WWJD" bracelet on his right wrist ("What Would Jesus Do?" for my non-Christian readers out there).

"Uhhhh... the one without the... uhhhh... bra... thing..."

I guess Jesus would take a topless. "Ok sir... get undressed and lie on your stomach." With the nervous type I find that it's best just to take charge and control the action. Thank Gawd (no pun intended) that the WWJD guy is not a talker - Except for the occasional "Give me strength!" or "Have mercy!" I can only assume that these pleas were not towards me.

I'm watching the clock, and we finally get to the happy ending. So the first words I finally utter in 30 minutes are "Alright, lay back, close your eyes and relax." I oil up my hands and start to work his cock. This guy is as silent as a church mouse (pun intended) up until the end. He gives out a soft moan and shoots a small load.

I ease up for a few seconds, then make for the towels. I CANNOT wait to see this guy to the door. The silent session is fine by me, but this one just kinda gave me the creeps. Then as I turn back to clean him up, he snatches the towel out of my hands.

"I'll do it!" he barks. It wasn't so much an angry tone as more of a "don't bother me" tone.

I'm like "whatever" and I start throwing clothes on quickly. Meanwhile I can hear more "Please forgive me" and "Have mercy" mumblings from my customer as he's thoroughly cleaning himself up.

I finally escape the room, and normally I wait at the desk to see the customer to the door, but I'm so creeped out by this guy that I head straight to the office. A few minutes later, the door chime lets me know he's gone. I take a deep breath to relax. Wow - that was weird.

Sadly I know this is probably just my first of many Audrey Regulars who will be bugging me for the next month. The good news is that I should have lots of new FOTW stories for you!


Friday, January 22, 2010

The UPS Guy

Remember the movie Legally Blonde? In it there's this hot delivery guy that the stylist is in love with. Well, it don't know about stereotypes, but what is it that makes delivery guys just so adorable?

I bring it up because here at The Business, we get weekly deliveries of supplies such as oils, sheets, and towels. And our delivery guy (we'll call him Guy) is from a supplier that serves several local area spas and hotels. Well Trina has the hots for him. I also think he's cute and wouldn't kick him outta bed, but Trina's like a giddy little school girl whenever he stops by.

Now I'm pretty sure that he has no idea what goes on around here. For starters, I know he doesn't supply the local AMPs because they don't use any products that a legitimate spa would actually use. So as far as he's concerned, we're probably just another day spa on his weekly route. Like most guys, he's shown no interest in our "spa" type services. And even if he did, he couldn't do anything because he's on the clock.

Well about 3 weeks ago, he had a really slow day so he actually hung out for a bit and chatted with Trina and me. I think she was flirting with him, but she denies it. Anyway, he asked a few questions about The Business and made a comment about "maybe" stopping by sometime for a massage.

That "maybe" was Saturday.

And guess who was working? Me of course. When I saw him, I was like "Crap! Trina's going to kill me when I tell her..." In fact, the first thing I said to him was "uh...Trina's off today... You want her schedule?" I think I actually detected a slight note of disappointment in his voice when he explained that he doesn't have any free time during the week.

So I made up my mind right there to try to help these 2 crazy kids out. "Follow me I said," and I led him into my session room.

Let me say right now that there was NO WAY I was going to offer Guy any options. I was totally professional and put on my "Therapeutic" hat. It was funny because he really had no idea what to expect - it was his first real massage. He was nervous at first, but I got him to relax. I gently steered the conversation to Trina and what a "great gal" she is. I even hinted that if he liked my massage technique, hers was even better.

I think it worked because in the end he said he was definitely interested in trying it again. And that was WITHOUT a happy ending! Of course the first thing I did as soon as he was out the door was call up Trina. And did she appreciate my match-making talents? NO. In fact, she was pissed and jealous. Accused me of "stealing" her man.

Let me tell ya - there is no good deed that goes unpunished. But could you imagine what would have happened if that skank Audrey had gotten her cougar paws on him first? It's a good thing she's not here because I don't think it would have made any difference to her that 1) Trina has a crush on him and 2) He's one of our vendors.

And maybe lucky for him because I think she would have scared off our delivery guy.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Close Call

Hey Guys. Sorry I haven't been around lately but things just got crazy after the whole Playboy interview thing.

As you may have noticed, I took down the links to the interview. I had to - Who on Earth would have guessed how many people listen to that show on Playboy Radio???? After I did the show last Thursday, I spent the weekend confessing (or denying as the case may be) to friends that I was on the radio.

So after a week of dealing with the fallout, I regret to announce that I will not be returning to the radio any time soon. Sorry!!! I made the final decision yesterday after a guy who I've been flirting with called me up and said "Hey... there was this chick on the satellite that sounded just like you..."

Yikes. Too close to home. WAYYYY too close.

And to make things more stressful, Audrey had some sort of family emergency last week and abruptly announced that she'll be out of town for the next month, and I'm in charge. Good news is I don't have to stare at her or put up with her bullshit for a couple weeks. Bad news is that we all have to cover her shifts.

Normally I wouldn't mind inheriting the extra business, but the problem is that Audrey's customers are notoriously cheap (and used to having their way with her). And to make it worse, I discovered just recently that she slashed her prices WITHOUT telling us. Great - now I have a whole month to deal with her cheap ass customers demanding happyendings at bargain basement prices.

But enough of my bitching. Since I've been slack at updating lately, I'll make it up to you guys by FINALLY getting around to answering all your questions and comments from the last 2 weeks.

So come on down guys! This month, all handjobs are $20 off. Just use the password "Audrey sent me."


Friday, January 15, 2010

Look Ma - I'm On The Radio!

OMG - I'm soooooooo sorry guys that I didn't give you any heads up about the whole Playboy interview thing. Everything happened so quickly that by the time I realized it was for real, I barely had enough time to mention it here.

My head is still spinning! So let me take a deep breath and tell you what happened...

OK, a couple days ago I got contacted by a woman claiming to be from Playboy Radio. I say "claiming" because I've been contacted by other people before with all sorts of weird offers. One of them was some guy claiming to represent Playboy's "Hottest Butt" contest and he wanted me to talk about it on this site. So needless to say, I'm always suspicious of anyone offering anything.

Since it was a woman who contacted me, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Turns out she was the real deal and wanted me to be interviewed on her show!!! I was in shock! I mean, it's exciting to be asked to talk on the radio, but it's also scary because I still need to stay anonymous. So we did a back and forth for a couple days before I worked up the courage to do it.

Funny thing is that I was too worked up over the interview to remember that it's exactly the kinda thing I should be talking about on the blog. Whoops. So I left a quick post and before I knew it - I was hiding in my car in the parking lot behind The Business pretending to be on a VERY long cigarette break. I figured that was easier to believe than "I need 10 minutes to reveal all our dirty little secrets nationwide on satellite radio." They asked I come on next week to actually tell some stories, so I'll probably do it again.

So what did you guys think? Can I turn this into a weekly appearance on the Today show?


Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Hey guys,
I'm going to be interviewed on Playboy Radio! Be sure to catch me tomorrow morning at 11:30am EST on Sirius Satellite Radio Channel 99.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Female Happy Ending

One of the interesting trends here at The Business is that we get all these new customers at the beginning of the year who are burning up gift certificates for massages that they got for Christmas. Some of them are guys whose friends got them as a (rather expensive) joke. But most of them are sweet little old ladies who got them from their loving children.

"Agnes" is a good example. She's one of my favorite customers even though she doesn't tip for the therapeutic. I like her because she swears like a sailor and has the dirtiest sense of humor. Imagine your grandmother, but with the mouth of Chris Rock. Everything is "F- this and F- that" with the occasional "N word" thrown in (yes - she's black).

I get to see her twice a year - right after Christmas and Mother's Day. Her son buys her gift certificates, and No - he's not a customer. In fact, I really doubt he knows anything about The Business, other than it's within walking distance from his mother's house.

Agnes came in Saturday for her semi-annual session and we did the typical catching up. She tells me all about what her children are up to, and the grand kids, and everyone else in her family. Then she hits me with the annual question about why I'm not married, the lack of quality "gentlemen," and why I gotta follow my dreams, etc.

Well this time we were wrapping up our standard 60 minute therapeutic session when she hits me with "Soooooo... I'm ready for my Happy Ending now."

My heart skipped a beat on that one. My therapeutic technique with her has pretty much been identical for the last couple of years, so now I'm panicking - has she heard something about The Business? "Haaa... haaa... happy ending?" I stammer. "What are you talking about?"

Now I've played dumb before, but it's usually been with guys we don't trust (or don't want to touch). Agnes really threw me a curve ball there.

"That is what you call it, isn't it?" she continued. "That bit at the end?"

I think all the blood has drained from my face at this point. "Uh... what bit?" I manage to say. I have nothing. No comeback. No witty retort. No funny punchline. Nothing. I feel like a teenager who's mother just discovered the condoms under the mattress.

"My head massage..." she explains. "It's my absolute favorite part of the massage girrrl. You should know that by now."

Oh shit - I almost forgot about that part. I always end her with a scalp and facial massage. I breathed a sigh of relief finally. "Of course Agnes! I just forgot about the clock," I lied. "I was just about to get started." I regained my composure and repositioned myself to start working her temples.

Agnes closed her yes and started making "mmmmmmm" noises as I massaged her temples and jaw line. "Mmmmmmm... I mean it's not like I have a dick you can massage now is it?... Mmmmmmm"

I lost it. How often do you get to hear an 80 year old black lady tell you she doesn't have a dick?

"I've lived in this neighborhood for 50 years. Do you really think there's something going on around here I don't know about?"

We had a good laugh - and I think I needed it after the scare she gave me. After we both stopped laughing, we talked during her "happy ending." She was kind enough not to ask me any questions about The Business. Instead she told me stories about how this place used to be a computer store, and before then an insurance agent. And before this building, there was a giant bakery here.

We went 20 minutes over, but I didn't care. It was fun just to chat. Unfortunately, not all of the seniors that come here in January are this friendly. Some are downright nasty, grumpy-ass bitches. If I get stuck with any maybe I'll share her as a new Freak of the Week.


Friday, January 8, 2010

Freak of the Week - The Solo Pornstar

Well 2010 has started off with a bang (no pun intended). After a limp first week (no pun intended), things have started to rise (no pun intended) and finally climaxed (no pun intended) with my first FOTW of the new year.

[Note: Anyone wanting to send me to a creative writing course or even just get me a textbook, please contact me.]

"Ted" is a pornstar. That is, if you define pornstar as anyone who uses a crappy cell phone to video their own handjob. And when I say "their own handjob," I mean there was no appearance of a female co-star. I know, because he insisted on showing me before our session.

"What? You wanna show me a sample of your handiwork? Sure..." It's all in a days work around here.

"This is what I want to do" he said while pointing to his camera phone. "This is the angle I want to get it at." He then looked around the room. "Can we leave the light on? It works better with the lights on."

I've done video of the happyending before, so his request isn't unique. But I feel a little uncomfortable since I've only seen this customer a couple times before. The last time he was here was around Thanksgiving (The Mother of All Massage Weekends). I vaguely remember him being a good tipper, and not asking for anything weird back then.

"I don't know Ted..." I was stalling to see if he'd sweeten the deal. His face began to sink so I added "With the lights on...?" Suddenly it brightened up again.

Now that he had taken the bait, we negotiated a deal that would make a Hollywood agent proud.

A handjob on camera
No view of my face
The Girls would make a BRIEF cameo appearance
Room lights not on, but dimmed
Option of the table lamp for close ups of the money shot
Editing rights to the final cut (I get to delete any shot I don't like)

And all this for a decent compensation package. Not exactly Angelina Jolie rates, but more Lindsey Lohan just outta rehab.

With all that foreplay out of the way, Ted had no interest in a massage and wanted to get to production right away. I dimmed the lights and stripped down to a G-string (and by that I mean I stripped nude, then found a suitable G-string in my pants pocket to put on). Ted quickly got naked and hopped on the table.

"OK," he began directing... "Bring the bottle of lube over here so I can catch you oiling up your hands."

I obeyed. Ted brought up the cameraphone right up next to my hands. I kept an eye on him to make sure he wasn't trying to get a shot of my face. He made sure he got a good close look at my oily hands. He hit the pause button, "Say a few sexy things when you start to oil me up, OK?" then back to record.

I knew exactly what kind of stuff to say. "Mmmmm want to feel my warm hands on your cock?" Since the camera was still focused on my hands, I slowly rubbed them together so he could get a good view of the oil glistening off them. Then I slowly put my warm hands on both his dick and balls at the same time (guys love that sudden rush of sensation - especially when your hands are nice and warm).

His cock actually gave a good twitch. I took that as a good sign and began to slowly lather the oil up and down his growing shaft. "You like that? You like the way I stroke you, huh? Your cock feels sooooo good in my... "

"OH YEAH!" he barked suddenly. I mean he was LOUD. "That's it babe... Keep jerking my prick!" I was so caught off guard that I actually paused for a second. "Dont stop! Keep working my cock... Oh yeaaaaaah... jerk that thing...Grrrrrr...."

Let me pause right here to describe the scene. Ted is lying on the table and I'm on his right side. With his right hand, he's holding his cameraphone just over his belly so it's basically pointing straight down his dick. When I suggested he move the camera to his left side so he could get a good view of my stroking his cock with The Girls in the background, he said he wanted a "Point of View" video. He explained that this is where the camera angle is exactly what the viewer would see as if he were in the action.

I didn't realize porn could be so complicated. Anyway, back to our story...

"GRRRRRRR... That's it baby!... Jerk my staff!... Squeeze that dick!" At this point I started to feel like he really didn't need me there. Since his camera was pretty much zoomed in on my hand and his prick, I could see why he enjoyed taping his own handjobs. Heck, The Girls could be warmly tucked away in my hoodie for this. I was going to suggest he use his free hand to take over so I could go grab some lunch, but then I thought better of it. Besides, I didn't want to interrupt his Oscar Moment here.

"YES... OH YES... jerk my man meat..." (yes - he actually said "man meat") "... work that shaft... Grrrrrrrr... pinch my sack... Mmmmmmmm... stroke that rod... faster..."

I think he used a dozen different words to describe his dick. I'm not kidding. Looking back, it kinda felt scripted - like he's probably got a collection of these videos at home with lots of different girls.

With the cue to go faster, I knew he was almost done. I started stroking him a little faster and his dialogue trailed off to a soft "grrrrrrrr." I started to wonder if he was going to shoot cum all over his phone, when he suddenly moved it up and over his cock. So now he was looking straight down as if capturing my point of view.

"Grrrrrrr... I'm going to shoot my load baby!... Squeeze that jizz out!... Shoot that semen!... Uhhhhhhh..." Ted shot a few streams of cum on his belly. I slowed down until he was done. He stopped talking too - thank goodness Since he kept the camera hovering over his own cumshot, I took my left hand and just sort of playfully rubbed it around his belly while saying "Wow... That was a lot of cum. You made such a huge mess." Guys are just fascinated by their own loads.

Ted finally put the camera down and I cleaned him up. He just sort of lied there and sighed before thanking me for being a good "actress." I stood there in my G-string and reviewed his little porn video while he got dressed. I have to admit - he kept the camera steady. Ted kept to his word and there were no views of my face. In fact, I don't even remember seeing much of anything other than my left hand and his cock. I then quickly got dressed and walked him out.

I've done some video work in session before, but Ted definitely took it more seriously than anyone else. Now if any of you handjob afficienados out there happen to see something on "" that resembles what I just described, please let me know. Someone owes me a movie credit.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Confessions of the Confessor

Ya know, I've been confessing things anonymously over the internet for 2 years now. Sounds like a lot to get off my chest (no pun intended), but when I think about it, there are just so many more scandalous things I haven't even touched upon yet.

So as a Christmas present to all you wonderful people out there who have supported and cheered me on over the year, I will try to bring up topics that I was always too nervous to talk about before.

For example...for 2 years now I have never talked about the Readers who have visited the Business. Yes - there have been more than a few lucky guys out there that have successfully found me. I get requests from readers all the time about making appointments to see me, but I have always kept my rule of not seeing anyone so I could maintain my anonymousnessousness.... errrr... secret identity.

So to all those guys out there that found me - congratulations! You found The Business and never even realized it.

This is what happened... The problem I always had with talking about it was that if I mentioned on the blog that a customer asked me about a "CJ" - he would immediately know he found me just by putting 2 and 2 together. So over time I just learned to bite my tongue and never bring it up at all.

Now the first time it happened was one of the weirdest moments in my life. I had been writing this blog thing for several months. Then one day I had this guy on the table during a typical session, and he casually mentions that he's been reading this thing on the internet called "Happyendingz." Let me tell ya - my heart skipped a beat and I must have turned beat red. Thank gawd The Girls were there to distract him (they are such faithful friends). It was so strange to feel fear, surprise and pride all at the same time. I wanted to yell "THAT'S ME!!! I DID THAT!!" but I couldn't.

The next time it happened was a couple months later, but it wasn't from a customer. Now we masseuses are used to getting inquiries about other girls - it happens all the time. A guy may be looking for "Tammy... a short brunette who worked across town a couple years ago... have you seen her?" Yes, we all know other girls at other Businesses, and it's just common courtesy to tell the girl that someone is looking for them. But You NEVER tell the customer where to find someone until it's been OK'd by the girl first - Rule #1 to prevent stalkers.

Well there I was having lunch with Audrey and Cindy one day, when Audrey just happens to ask if we know a "CJ." I think Cindy and I both turned white at that one. Audrey said 3 customers had asked her that week if "CJ" worked there. We played dumb and said we had never heard of her before. But later that night we were high-fiving each other and giggling like little girls about the fact that we were now famous.

Since then Trina, Cindy and I have all had run-ins with customers asking about "CJ." I'm much better at dealing with that now, but at first it was really freaky to hear guys talking about what they've read. Now I just take it in stride. The hardest part though is not being able to take credit for it in public. I don't know how many times I just wanted to ask a customer "So what did you think of my story about...?"

Trina isn't OK with it. She still gets freaked out and nervous whenever anyone mentions it. Remember how I had to go suck up to her to get her to OK posting her pic? Cindy on the other hand thinks the whole thing is a hoot. I'm just worried that one day she'll say something stupid about how she personally knows "CJ" or even "Cindy." I swear that too much peroxide MUST do something to brain cells.

That reminds me of a funny story. I once got a customer looking for a "Cindy." Swear to gawd. At first I was confusing his questions with a real Cindy I knew from the old Business. But after a few minutes I got him to reveal that he had read about her on the internet. When I told Cindy that story, her head swelled up for about a week. Kept making jokes about her fan club and maybe doing her own spin-off blog. Unfortunately, she can't string more than 3 words together without adult supervision.

So there you have it - some of you guys out there have found me but just never realized it. LOL

I think this year for April Fools Day I'm going to get every masseuse I know to call themselves "CJ" for the day. You know what they say... The best place to hide a tree is in a forest.