Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Confessions of an Erotic Sex Toy

I got the comment the other day asking "What's the difference between a 'strict business transaction' and you being a 'rented sex toy' if you charge someone $50 to do something sexual to you?"

I didn't find it offensive, but I did find it annoying. It's an attitude that's not uncommon with some of the newbies out there that comes from a naive understanding of what goes on in a massage parlor. Well lucky for you guys - that's why I'm here... to teach you guys about these things!

First off, let me explain that an erotic masseuse (or any other person in the so-called "sex industry") is NOT a sex toy. A sex toy is a piece of plastic that you can do whatever perverted thing you want with. An erotic masseuse is a girl who provides a relaxing massage followed by a happy ending, usually performed with the hands.

Hey - we provide a service just like anyone else in the service industry where everything is negotiated up front. Would you walk up to a waitress and take whatever food she's carrying? No. Just because she's "your" waitress, doesn't mean she's carrying "your" food. Calling a masseuse a "sex toy" is like calling a waitress a "stove." (And bravo to the guy who said "accountant" vs. "adding machine"!)

It's the same thing with us. When you're in my session room, you have to negotiate for services rendered just like anyone else. What some of the newbies assume (incorrectly) is that they "own" us for the next 30 minutes and can do whatever they damn well please because they're paying for it. They start off all pushy and grabby, and then act surprised when you tell them to back off. I got news for ya - you're not paying to remove the word "No" from my vocabulary. That seems to be the biggest misconception about "sex workers" in general - that anything goes just because cash is involved.

Case in point - About 2 months ago, I had a Mexican guy come in and ask for a 30 minute session. When I joined him in the room, he was sitting in the chair fully clothed, but with his pants down around his ankles. When I asked him what the fuck he was doing, he said he just wanted a blow job. I told him this is not that kind of place and he started to argue with me. Apparently he didn't understand the difference between a massage parlor and a brothel.

Now when I pointed out that this guy was "Mexican" it's because in Mexico (so I've been told) there is virtually no difference between a brothel, massage parlor or strip club. Down there they are all one and the same. I didn't get offended by him, I just had to carefully explain things to him. When it finally registered with him what I do for a living, we both had a laugh and he settled in to a normal session.

I hope this clear things up for some of you out there. Now go on out there and get some massages. I had to work on Saturday and business was totally dead!


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace - Or What Do You Call Inappropriate When Ass-Pinching is in Your Job Description?

Today I thought I'd get serious for once. I got some really interesting comments the other day on my post about stealing a business. So that got me thinking about some of the other shit that we have to put up with in this line of work - both from customers and bosses.

Let's start with customers...

For the most part, the customers are usually respectful and know what is or isn't allowed. Let me point out here to those of you who haven't tried your first erotic massage yet - NEVER ASSUME WHAT YOU CAN DO IN SESSION, ALWAYS ASK FIRST. In other words, ask before you touch. I can't stand it when some asshole thinks he can start grabbing my breasts or rear end as soon as I walk in the room. I allow touch "within reason" and I appreciate it when the customer asks permission first.

So consider yourself lucky - where else is it perfectly normal to ask "Pardon me ma'am, but may I fondle your breasts?" See? that wasn't so bad, was it? It's just standard massage parlor etiquette. Heck, I recently had a customer ask me very politely if he could finger my asshole. I politely declined, but the point is that he ASKED FIRST (then I told him that he might want to try Cindy next time - LOL).

Probably the most common form of harassment from the customers is the grabby kind. - guys that are just constantly grabbing, pinching, or squeezing something. Remember - no touch is welcome until you ask first. That's true of any place you go to. So when a guy starts to act like an octopus, I generally just tell him to either back off, or fork over an extra $50. You would be surprised to see how well that works when you put a dollar amount on harassment. It's really funny - once the customers realize that I'm not a rented sex toy and that this is just a strict business transaction, they start to act professional as well. I think it's a guy thing.

When a guy just won't lay off, or is disrespectful in other ways, I just say "hit the road." Letting some asshole ruin my day is NEVER worth the cash. In my room, I'm in charge and I make the rules - not the customers cash.

Then there are the bosses...

The most common form of harassment from a boss is usually the "Pay to Play" kind. In other words, he wants a little action on the side if you want to keep your job.

I've only worked for 1 guy who tried that shit on me. I think it was the second place I worked at, and the guy bought the business and assumed management. He had no clue what he was doing, and he just assumed he was this Big Old Pimp Daddy, and we were his Ho's. He tried his shit on everyone, until one by one we all left. What these guys don't understand is that a Business is just that - a business. If you fuck with the employees, they will fuck with you.

But in every Business there will be some girls who are like "what's another blowjob?" when they're pulling down big bucks during their shift. Heck - even I've given away the occasional handjob as a favor, but that still doesn't make it right.

Now if you want to see true "harassment" in the workplace, you gotta go to the mob-run Asian places. There, the girls live on the premises, aren't allowed to leave, and never see any of the money they earn. Don't believe me? In all my years in the Business, I have NEVER worked with an Asian girl. No one around here has either - because they just never leave the premises.

I hope you guys have been paying attention during my little lecture. To summarize - the next time you want to stick your finger up your co-workers ass - remember to ask first.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Confessions of an Anonymous Masseuse

It's funny - I get a couple requests a week from you guys to see me in session. Some are as simple as "I'll be your way next Thursday. Can I see you around 1?" All the way up to "I know this is gonna sound weird, and you'll probably say no, but here goes anyway..."

One paticularly flattering guy said he was willing to drive 10 hours to see me! LOL Now if only I could get my old Regulars to get off their assess and do the same, I'd be happy. I thought one of the more unique requests was from a guy who wanted to visit with his girlfriend so she could "study" my infamous double-handed criss-cross technique (demonstrated on him of course). Now if your girlfriend is willing to take a lesson in handjobs - THAT is love.

Unfortunately, if I want to maintain this tell-all blog thing, then I can't see any one! And you know what - I think that totally sucks. You guys should all write your congressman and demand to make massage parlors legal. Stand up for your rights! (no pun intended).

Now before you all make up posters and T-shirts and chain yourself to City Hall, let me leave you with 1 last story. This was perhaps the most creative request ever to see me.

Imagine this...

You fly into Philly International Airport. At the curb, there is a limo waiting. The windows are blackened, and the chaffeur will not talk to you. He takes your bags and issues you into the car. During the drive, you have absolutely no idea where you are going. the twists and turns in the road reveal nothing. In fact, the limo may take a few unnecessary turns just to throw you off.

At last, the limo comes to a complete stop. For the first time, you hear the limo driver talk. He simply instructs you to put on a blindfold that is sitting on the seat in front of you. After it's snugly on, he finally comes around and lets you out of the car. You are escorted a few steps left, right and then straight. A door is opened and you hear a little electronic chime letting you that you have just entered "The Business."

A friendly female voice welcomes you and takes your hand. She leads you a few more steps into a room. You are instructed to keep the blindfold on as unfamiliar hands begin to undress you. When you are ready, you're led to a massage table, helped on and told to "make yourself comfortable."

You lean back and relax as she leaves. A few moments later, you hear the door open and close. Instead of a voice, you hear the soft rustle of fabric. There's a slight noise made as a shirt hits the floor. You hear the unmistakeable snap of a bra being undone. Then a zipper and more quiet noises as a pair of pants joins the shirt.

Finally, a different set of unfamiliar hands begins to softly caress your lower legs, and slowly work their way up to your head where they remove the blindfold.

"Hi, I'm CJ."

So, think that would work?


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Confessions of an Internet Superstar

Audrey was surfing the web the other day when she found a couple new references to The Business in one of those adult review websites. Every couple of weeks I also check. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.

Someone took the time to give a review on Audrey, Trina and myself. Each one of us had a different post. The guy said that Audrey was "OK in the face," gave a decent massage and an enjoyable happy ending. No mention of full service, so I'm guessing our anonymous reviewer must not be one of her Regulars.

My review consisted of "cute" blonde with "fabulous tits." Thanks guy. But I got annoyed because he said that during the massage I "bounced" The Girls off his back. I have no clue what he's talking about because I never do that. If you look at the height of the massage tables, it would be really tough for me to lean that much over the customer. The guy must be full of shit and I doubt he was ever my customer. I was mad but Audrey just laughed it off and told me not to worry about it. Easy for her to say - she got a decent review.

Then there was Trina's.

This asshole had nothing nice to say about her. Basically he went on and on about how she's ugly and overweight and has no business working in a parlor. Nothing about her massages, so I wonder if he was ever a customer of hers. Or maybe he was just one of those assholes who got pissed off when she wouldn't offer him full service. Shit like that happens often.

About a year ago we found a review of us in one of those local "Yellow Pages" type of sites. That really surprised us because it's meant for things like pizza parlors and car mechanics. But there we were - 3 reviews of The Business.

One was very nice and didn't say anything that would make you think we were anything less than a regular day spa. Then the other 2 reviews were obviously written by the same person under different names. They were both posted on the same day and basically trashed us.

The first said we were nothing but a whorehouse and that we had no right being in business and the police should come close us down, Blah blah blah. Now the other post I thought was funny. It was all about Audrey and how she's a man-stealing skank, and no one in their right mind should let their husbands go to this place, etc., etc.

Personally, I thought it was close to the mark. But for whatever reasons, Audrey was freaked out by it. So I called my personal Techno-Geek and asked him if he could do something about it. He made a few inquiries and figured out how to have the bad reviews deleted.

Every couple of months we'll find a new reference to The Business on the internet. I'm paranoid about them because they usually use my real name. If anyone I know ever put 2 and 2 together, I may be in trouble. But apart from the whole Everyone-Knows-What-I-Do-For-A-Living thing, the posts are usually not bad. I know I'm a good masseuse, and the reviews usually say I give a good massage and I'm not full service. That and "fabulous tits" anyway.

A friend of mine recently showed me some websites of callgirls. I was amazed that these girls show pictures, prices, descriptions and even reviews!!! I was shocked - I mean the thought of anyone I knew seeing me up on the internet like that.

Now imagine if erotic massage were perfectly normal and legal... The Business could have a website showing hours, directions, prices and even pictures of us! Talk about customer service. I've seen actual websites like this, but they were usually in places like New Zealand where it's legal (Hmmmmmmm... idea for next "Happyendingz - International"). A reader once forwarded me a site for a massage business that was questionable. It didn't really give away anything, or even use common code words or lingo, so I was surprised to learn that he actually got a happy ending there.

So there you have it guys - I'm actually floating around out there in cyberspace if you're lucky enough to find me. Here's an idea for a new contest... The first customer to get me in session and mention the word "HappyEndingz" gets a free double. Good luck!


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Freak of the Week - The Gynocologist

I've noticed an interesting trend lately. For the last year, Audrey has been getting more and more appointments while the rest of us have been getting less and less. Well, over the last month or so that has been changing. What I think is that customers were getting lured away since she cuts her prices. But now I think that guys are just getting sick of her bad attitude and are willing to spend the REGULAR price for a better quality session. Either that or the economy is getting better!

It's nice that we're finally starting to see some old Regulars come back. But every once in a while I'll get a guy who Audrey can keep for all I care. Last night's customer is a perfect example.

Let's call this guy Daniel. This guy has always been an Audrey Regular until yesterday. He obviously didn't want to see her because he knows her schedule. I didn't say anything when I recognized him, but I did smile to myself knowing that she has another defector.

He booked an hour then asked for a mutual. "Mr. Moneybags" I thought. Usually her old customers take 30 minutes, then demand a topless for half price. This was refreshing.

Daniel insisted on massaging me first. When I got on the table, he told me to lay on my back which I thought was odd since you normally massage the back first, then end with the breasts. He wanted to depart from proper massage etiquette and go straight for The Girls, which is kinda like having dessert before the appetizer. But it was his dime, so I didn't complain.

He moves over to the table and starts kneading my left breast with his fingertips. "I'm going to give you a breast exam." he says matter-of-factly. "I'm looking for any lumps." He's not smiling when he says this, instead he's dead serious. Now I'm used to guys making small talk during session, but it's usually along the lines of "So you like working here?" It's really funny the kinds of things guys will say when they've got 2 handfuls of breast, and they want to look like they do this all the time.

"Let me know if you find any Dan" I manage to say. At least he's not squeezing them or trying to pinch my nipples.

"Call me Doctor Johnson."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... so that's his kink. He thinks he's a doctor. I can play along. I told him that I recently saw my gynecologist and that really got Daniel going. He must have asked me 20 questions about it - and I mean the real technical kind too. Apparently Dan is REALLY into gynecology, which is odd considering he's a salesman for roofing supplies.

While I'm answering his questions, I eventually mentioned a speculum. Let me tell ya - this was Daniels happy button. He had me go into detail about the speculum, meanwhile I noticed that he started playing with himself. I tried to sneak a peek, but he kept it hidden below the edge of the massage table. So now he was rubbing my right breast with his right hand, and taking care of business with his left while I just lied there talking about my last gyno visit. I was only hoping that he wouldn't make a mess on the side of my table.

Daniel was a good boy and didn't stain anything in the room. He got bored with The Girls and then told me to switch spots (what a rip - 20 minutes of getting my breasts poked and I don't even get a back rub!). Unlike Dan, I follow proper massage etiquette and start on his shoulders, then work my way down his back.

But he still wants to talk about that damn speculum. "I have one you know. I like to use it on my girlfriend." I tried to change the subject, but he just presses on. "Yeah... I like to get her nice and wide open. Then I look inside her with a flashlight." At this point I'm starting to see where this is going. "I'd like to bring it in next time. Would you mind?"

Phew! At least he doesn't have it with him. But now I'm thinking that if he's one of Audrey's Regulars, then you know he's been using it on her. Yuck. I pretend like I might be into it just so he'll give up more info. As he talks, I learn he doesn't have a girlfriend (what a surprise), but instead does this with "a special lady" he sees regularly. If by "special" he means slow, then he must mean Audrey.

Finally we get to the end part he acts a little confused when I start to rub the oil on his dick. When I ask him what's wrong he says "Uhhhh... I haven't gone down on you yet."

I want to scream "Ewww Ewww Ewww Ewwww!" but instead I give him a polite "I'm sorry... but I don't offer that as an option." He's obviously used to doing this with Audrey so I hope he takes a hint and doesn't ask for me again. Daniel is quiet during the hand release (fine by me), but he actually thanks me afterwards and tips me an extra $20.

That was nice of him, but I really really really don't want him to show up next time with his own speculum and flashlight, expecting me to call him Doctor.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Girlfriend Experience

I got a weird request today at work. I know that may sound funny coming from me considering I don't think "could you stick a finger up my ass?" a weird request. But I thought it was odd just the same. Not weird enough to make Freak of the Week, but still worth talking about.

It was a new customer. After we got in the room and I started going over the options (and for all you newbies out there, they are Topless, G-string, and Nude). He took a G-string, but then asked if I offered a "Girlfriend Experience" or GFE as I learned later.

I told him I had never heard of that option before, and he explained that it's basically a more relaxed, laid back type of session with cuddling, kissing, and no clock watching.

Unfortunately I had to tell him "no" - especially for a new customer. But I did end up picking his brain about it during our session. It's the first time I had ever heard of that expression, but I guess it's really meant as an option for full-service escorts. The more he talked about it I realized that it's actually kinda what I do with my Sugar Daddies. No clock watching, more affectionate touching, and the occasional kiss.

I've never really made out with an SD, except for maybe once or twice. And I was drunk. OK, maybe 3 or 4 times. But that's it. And it was just one guy who I really liked. So I've only made out with an SD just the 7 times.

I think it's just never occurred to me that kissing would be an extra or an option. I've never done it in session, and I can't remember any of my co-workers mentioning it either. But I do have a colleague who I met through this blog who does erotic massage, and at her Business they offer "Frenching" as an option. In fact - they consider it a standard option. I guess the idea is that your masseuse will tongue kiss you during the hand release.

I don't know... the idea of making out with strange guys at work seems inappropriate. I told you that story earlier about the guy who wanted me to kiss him during a double. I said that I don't believe that old "Pretty Woman" bullshit about kissing is too intimate for work. I just think it's gross - especially when you think about some of the guys who come in here! I already keep deodorant in the room - I don't to want keep toothpaste as well.

And we do get the occasional Hottie in here, but I don't fantasize about kissing them... I fantasize about fucking them. So nope - I don't see "frenching" as a new option any time soon.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Cindy and the Full Service Option

So I'm sitting in the back room TRYING to say something intelligent on this blog thing, when Cindy pops out of her session room to talk to me.

"Hey CJ - you're not gonna believe this, but Roger wants to do a double!"

Roger is one of Cindy's Regulars, and also the first one to see her since she came back from having the baby. He's THAT big of a fan.

I'm almost as surprised by this news as she is. "What, did he win the lottery or something?" For the new guys out there, a "double" option is when the customer wants 2 girls. Since the entire world is broke, we don't get any calls for them anymore, so this is good news.

"Kinda. He said he just won some settlement or something and wants to celebrate..." Cindy trails off and looks down for a second. She starts to turn red and then tells me, "I think he wants me to blow him. Do you mind?"

Cindy was a good girl for a little while there, but I knew deep down it wouldn't last. And it's not like I haven't watched her do a customer before. Heck, the stories I could tell you from the old days... Anyway, I'm more impressed by the fact that she's embarrassed and turning red. I think she's really been trying to turn over a new leaf.

I look her in the eye and say "Naaaaah. That baby of yours needs some new clothes, so let's do this. As long as I don't have to do anything weird."

Cindy takes me by the hand and starts dragging me to her room. "You know Roger. He's cool."

The way a double typically works is that 2 girls massage the guy at the same time. For example, I may work the guys back while the other girl works the legs. The tip is the same as if he were paying each of us for a single. Now if he wants "extras" then the price goes up quickly. For example, guys almost always ask for the "lesbian show" during a double.

Roger isn't a bad looking guy. He's probably in his late 40's and burly. Cindy's probably more than happy that I'll be helping out with the massage. His face lights up when he sees me walk in. "Hey girl! Ready to party?!" He's obviously in a good mood.

"Since when did you become Mr. Money Bags, huh?" I ask as I take my shirt off and unhook my bra. He explains that he finally got some money for falling off a roof or something over a year ago. As he's talking I finish undressing and then push him back on the table where I start on his shoulders while Cindy takes his lower legs. Guys tell me it's a wonderful sensation to have 2 very different parts of the body worked on at the same time.

When our 4 combined hands finally meet at Roger's rear end, we ask him to flip over. Cindy moves to take his legs again, and I move up over his head so I can massage the top of his shoulders. But now that he can enjoy the view he paid double for, he eventually brings it up, "Uh... can I get you two to be 'friendly' to each other?"

Wow - Roger must really be in a good mood. Cindy and I look at each other. She gives me a pleading look and I just sort of sigh. "Sure Roger," Cindy starts, "and are you still interested in what we talked about?"

He nods vigorously and smiles. I give Cindy a questioning look and she gives me a wink. She's already negotiated the extra tip, so we both move to the same side of the table.

Now let me stop here and mention that Cindy's breasts are HUGE. Between the baby and the implants, they have been busting out of her bra for a couple months now. I'm a little nervous to touch them because they're shaped kinda weird and I know they're not empty. So to start, I just kinda run my fingertips around the sides. Cindy keeps working on his leg while I move behind her and cup both her breasts in my hands.

I have a "script" I use for the lesbian show which is usually along the lines of "Oh baby... you are so hot..." etc. But this time I genuinely say, "Damn Cindy... your breasts are totally swollen and they're warm to the touch!"

Cindy laughs. "Aren't they? Watch my nipples... they're really really tender right now."

Now we're actually having a real conversation and this is not part of the show, but Roger is like "Fuck! This is hot!" When I realize he's getting off on what for us is a technical discussion, I use it to my advantage and start playing it up. I exaggerate my rubbing and say things like "Mmmmmmmm... I wonder if they'd be hot on my tongue... Mmmmmm" etc.

Eventually we switch places and I start to massage his pecs, while Cindy starts running her fingers under my breasts and over my stomach. After a few minutes of this, Cindy reaches between his legs - signaling that the shows over and it's happy ending time. That's the one good thing about the lesbian show - it really hurry's things along.

Since I'm closer to the rack, I hand the bottle of warm oil over to Cindy. Then I take my place next to him so I can caress his chest.

Let me take another moment to explain how we typically do a double happy ending. Usually 1 girl will do most of the work while the other caresses the customers thighs or chest. Upon request, the lesbian show might continue through the ending but we've discovered that it's kinda awkward to try to fondle someone when she's trying to concentrate on the job at hand (pun intended). Besides, the caressing technique also helps the guy finish quicker.

A lot of customers ask for the double handjob at this point. I hate to break it to you guys, but unless you're hung like a horse it's really hard to wrap more than 2 hands around a prick. And even trying 1 hand from each girl isn't easy. You really have to pay attention to what you're doing to get the timing and the rhythm right else it's just painful for the guy. So please stop asking and let us do our jobs - we're professionals you know.

OK - back to Cindy. She puts of bottle of oil down and instead says "Roger wants a special ending." I forgot about the blowjob, so I go back to caressing his chest while Roger directs her to get a condom out of his pants pocket.

Interesting... he came prepared. That means that Cindy is NOT doing this on a regular basis. That's my girl - there's hope for you yet!

While she's putting the condom on him, Roger looks at me and asks "Will you do something special for me while she does that?" I'm assuming that Cindy's explained that I'm not full service, so maybe he wants me to rub his balls or something - who knows. I usually don't have to get involved at this point.

"Uh... like what" I ask suspiciously.

"Could we make out?"

That I was not expecting. Roger then explained to me that one of the most intimate of pleasures that one can enjoy from a threesome is that of kissing while receiving oral favors. Whoa - that had never occurred to me before. And I have to admit that I was intrigued, BUT this was one party where I had to give - not receive.

Now if Cindy would be willing to... NAAAHHHHH

I told him that, no offense, but I don't kiss customers. It's not that "Pretty Woman" bullshit about keeping some things "personal" either. I just think the idea of making out with strange men is gross. As we all know, you should only make out with strange guys in the parking lot of a bar, piss drunk, while your girlfriends are trying to drag you into the car. THAT'S ok.

But I have to admit that I could see where Roger was coming from. I didn't want him to leave feeling like he missed a rare opportunity, so I decided that maybe we could negotiate something.

I asked him if it was absolutely necessary that we make out.

He said "no" but he really really would appreciate it.

I told him I've never done that with a customer before.

He said if it's a money issue he would gladly take care of me.

I said it's not - I just think it's weird.

He asked if he could give me a hickey.

I said "no fuckin way."

He asked if he could suck on my tits instead.

Cindy pulled the cock out of her mouth and said "Just fucking kiss him already. My jaw is getting tired!"

THAT was the moment I was waiting for. I was wondering how long I could keep him distracted before she realized what I was up to. I started laughing out loud and I could hear a "... I...uckin...ate...oo..." between slurps. Have you ever tried talking with a dick in your mouth? It's harder than it looks.

Anyway, I had my fun so I decided to finally help her out. I had no intention of making out with anyone, so I grabbed his head in both my hands and pulled him in between The Girls. "You gonna take care of me Roger?" I knew that between his face buried in my breasts and Cindy's mouth wrapped around his cock, he was going to say "yes" to anything. Heck, I coulda asked him to buy me a car at that point.

But I just wanted him to finish, so I continued to hold his head in my hands and I moved slowly down till my face was just inches from his. I looked him deep in the eyes and asked "Is this OK?" I exhaled deeply so he could feel just how close my mouth was to his. I knew it was working when he squeaked a little "un-huh." So I held his gaze and just sort of lightly brushed my lips over his lips and nose while doing some dirty talk. He came a few moments later. I noticed that Cindy did the move where she keeps him in her mouth till he's finished cumming. Nice touch I thought.

I let her clean him up while I put my clothes back on. I figured my job was done! LOL Roger left a happy man and I made a few extra bucks. Not a bad day afterall.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

And the Winner is...........

Announcing the winner of the "Name the new Business" contest... and the winner is....

Hands N Tans!!!

I liked it because it sums up what the 2 Businesses do, but not in a dirty way. I could totally see a legitimate Business actually using this name. Girls would come in to tan and would never even notice, meanwhile their boyfriends would be snickering as they went next door.

And I have to give mention to my other 2 favorites in the "not in a million years" category:

Cum and Tan
Rays and Sprays

I swear - if erotic massage were 100% legal, I would use one of those. Oh well - maybe I should move to Canada.

So let me give you an update on what's going on with all this drama. The landlord hasn't said anything new since he pulled that extortion bullshit a couple weeks ago. However, since then there have been some MAJOR fights between us worker bees and the queen bee Audrey.

It all started when I finished up a customer who usually sees Audrey. I didn't think twice about it since he came in, did NOT ask for Audrey, and took me instead. It was just a normal routine topless with hand release session. As he was leaving, Audrey recognized him. As soon as the door closed behind him, she starts bawling me out. Accused me of stealing her customers behind her back, lying to customers, lying to her... in other words - all the stuff she does to us in front of our faces.

That was it - I had had it. Over the last 2 months we've all noticed that Business has taken a nose dive. Regulars have been disappearing, and those that stay have been complaining about Audrey's bad attitude. They've been getting sick and tired of her trying to lure them away every single time they call for an appointment. She does everything from offering discounts to outright lying ("she's not here today, but I can see you...").

Something snapped in me and I started yelling back at her. Then Trina came in and she joined me. It was UGLY. Three women screaming at the top of their lungs for about 15 minutes. It all ended with her storming off, doors getting slammed, and threats to fire us and close the Business.

Things have quieted down since then, but it's still tense. I spent a shift where I didn't say 2 words to her for 6 hours. Trina confessed that she's started looking for part time work at the mall. Cindy said she contacted another parlor across town and they're hiring. I called a friend of mine who owns a place near the city and she said they could use the help. THAT'S how bad it is.

Now before you all worry that I'm outta here and won't have any new stories for you - don't worry. It's all talk right now. I think we're all gonna sit down very soon and have a serious conversation about the Business and where it's heading.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The Triumphant, Magnificent, Much Anticipated Return of Sugar Daddy Pete

Actually, we had a couple returns this week. First, I would like to share the good news that Cindy is back with us. the new mommy is doing well, and now she's back to work. She still has a few baby pounds on her, but considering how skinny she was in the first place, I think it looks good on her. And let me tell ya - those implants look ridiculously big right now. It might help if she bought some new bras.

And second, I finally heard something from Sugar Daddy Pete after 6 long months. Yes - it's been that long. To refresh your memory, he was the incredibly generous gentleman who wooed me at the beginning of the year, and even got me to go out on a date and see his new vacation home out in the country.

He sent me a text message.

Six months after a night of expensive wine, luxury cars, and a small, but lavishly appointed McMansion, Pete sent me a fucking text message.

"how you doin girl? been thinking about you. will see you soon. xo"

Now I don't want to be accused of over-analyzing anything, or just plain stalking, but let's break down the meaning of this little message, shall we?

"how you doin girl?"
Notice the casual spelling. I would assume he's trying to sound extra casual considering I haven't heard a peep outta him in 6 months. And "girl" might indicate that he's forgotten my name - assuming he saved my number on his cell phone under something innocent like "A1 Plumbing."

"been thinking about you."
This is just another way of saying "Can't afford to see you right now." That's probably due to the state of the economy, combined with a nosey wife who's keeping careful track of all the family finances.

Now look at the words "thinking about." Work with me here... what if we replace the word "thinking" with the word "seeing" - it might suggest that he's been seeing our billboard on the highway. Which means that he's been driving back and forth between his home in the city and the vacation place in the country. It would be nearing completion right now, assuming he didn't lose ALL his money in the stock market.

"will see you soon."

Well obviously he's trying to grease the wheels for when he does finally come back. This means he has something planned. He probably got his disposable income back or is about to. Combine that with some scheduled trips to the vacation house, and that means I get an SD in time for summer!

This is a reminder that he's still interested as a Sugar Daddy. I hope anyway. We'll see. Fingers crossed.

Once again, I'm acting like a teenaged girl when I talk about him. UGH. What is wrong with me?

Anyway, I loved the suggestions for the name of the new business. So far the favorites are:

Shake N Bake
Hand N Tans
Where The Sun Don't Shine
Tantastic Endings

and special consideration to Cum and Tan for the "Best Name That Can't Be Used In A Million Years" category.

I will pick a winner next time!