Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Free Handjobs For Everyone!

Now that I have your attention - I noticed that my buddies Thorn and Reflex and have been going at it in the comments about the nature of The Business. Well there was one thing they brought up that I wanted to talk about.

You may have noticed that over the past year, I have tried to avoid the so called "legal" aspects of the erotic massage business. I did this intentionally since 1) I am not a lawyer, 2) I've always been uncomfortable debating what's "legal," and 3) I do NOT want to attract the attention of anyone interested in shutting us down. The way I look at it is that I provide relaxing massages and stress relief to customers who ask. That's it. I don't think there's any point in making any more out of it.

This is why I hate getting lumped under the term of "sex worker." On my left is a crack-ho and on my right is a stripper. I think I should be under "healthcare" since most of what I do is a form of therapy. Stay with me here... If I spend 40 minutes performing therapeutic massage, but only 5 minutes performing hand releases - then I'm technically 89% Therapist and only 11% Sex Worker. Heck - my services should be 89% covered by insurance!

Now there's something very important that I want to explain to all of you. I have never been paid for a handjob. Yes - you read that correctly. I have never accepted money in exchange for a hand release. I know that sounds contrary to everything I've talked about here, but that's what we are taught from the very beginning in this Business.

Let me explain... An Erotic Masseuse cannot accept money in exchange for a hand release. THAT would be prostitution. We can accept money for a massage and that's it. If you "tip" me for my services then I might get "more comfortable" in the room and remove various articles of clothing. And if I like you, then maybe I'll provide a little bit of stress relief in the form of a hand release at the very end.

I know that may sound like a load of crap, BUT that's our story and we swear by it. I remember at my very first job how my bosses sat me down and explained to me all the things we needed to do to cover our asses from a legal standpoint. This included:

The Speech
"If there's any part of your body you'd like me to massage, please indicate so by placing my hand there..."

The Release
We don't give handjobs, we provide hand releases.

The Happy Ending
Customers don't have to ask for it - we give them because we want to. I worked at this 1 place where we were REQUIRED to give happy endings to ALL customers - regardless of whether they tipped or not. So a guy could come in and just pay for a massage with no options, and we'd still have to take care of him. To make it worse, we didn't get paid for therapeutics, so more than once I gave hand releases basically for free!

We don't get paid by customers, we get tipped. Some places also have weird rules about who handles money so there is never a direct exchange of cash with the masseuses.

Audrey has a lawyer (he's not just a lawyer, he's also a customer! LOL) who advises her on these things. He tells her what she can and can't say on legal documents, advertisements, logbooks, mail, etc. In fact, every place I've worked at had lawyers. You'd be surprised just how much paperwork is involved when running a business. Anyway, he also tells us what we can and can't say on the phone, in the rooms, etc.

Some of you are probably thinking that none of this matters if someone really wants to shut a Business down, and you may be right. But remember, we're not full service and if everyone sticks to the script then the neighbors won't notice us - and THAT's the key to staying in business. It's the full service brothels that get shut down way before the massage parlors. And that's usually because they drew too much attention to themselves, or they weren't keeping up with the payola.

So the lawbooks may try to lump all types of activity under "prostitution" but the reality is that some things are a hell of a lot harder to prove than others. I've never been in a place that got shut down, but I have left places that ended up getting shut down because I could see the writing on the wall.

The Business seems to be pretty safe at the moment, as long as Audrey and Trina don't do anything stupid. I kinda trust Audrey since I know she only does full service with some of her Regulars. It's Trina I'm worried about. I can see her saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and ruining it for all of us. She's kinda dumb that way, but that's another story...


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!

This year I didn't make out like a bandit (as I have in years past). Blame it on the economy I guess. Fewer customers over the past week, but the tips were better than average. I guess a few people out there still have the Christmas spirit!

I got a lot of gift cards from customers this year. And if you were wondering, I did get 1 from Sugar Daddy Pete. $400 for Victoria's Secret (and this right before their semi-annual sale!!!). God Bless him. Another Regular sent us a giant fruit basket. I mean it was HUGE. Totally weird if you ask me. Oh well - have yourselves a Merry little Christmas!


Monday, December 22, 2008

Confessions of a Licensed Massage Therapist

I've been getting a lot of questions and comments recently from newbies who have been thinking of getting their first erotic massage. Now there were a few guys who asked me about how to request the "Happy ending" when it suddenly dawned on me... they weren't talking about massage parlors - they were talking about licensed massage therapists (LMTs) in regular day spas!!!! Let me make this point clear:


This is an important tip and I think some of my friends out there may have missed it. So let me say this again so it sinks in:


Perhaps I didn't make myself perfectly clear when I started telling you guys all these massage parlor secrets. Most massage providers are legitimate businesses that provide therapeutic massage by LMTs. What I do for a living is called "Erotic Massage" and most places do not provide that. Erotic Massage is sort of the red-headed, bastard, stepchild of the massage industry.

So I'm going to take this moment to explain to you guys out there the basics of therapeutic massage so no one makes that horrible mistake. So put your pants back on and pay attention, OK?

For purposes of this lesson, I will refer to therapeutic massage providers as "day spas" and erotic massage providers as "massage parlors." In an earlier post I described how to tell the difference between a massage parlor and a day spa - so just flip that info around. Now you're looking for businesses that use LMTs. I am also a LMT, but I am one of the few around here that do erotic massage. Some parlors like to keep one around to help look legitimate.

Massage Types
When you go for your first therapeutic massage, it may go under a number of names including:

Deep Tissue

Each one has it's own special techniques. If anyone tells you they're all the same, then they're full of shit. I'll go over them quickly so you know what to expect from each. For example, "sports" massage is the hardest form (and by hard I mean pressure, and nothing else you perv). It involves employing a lot of pressure using the hands, fingers, palms, and in some cases elbows and forearms. It also requires a lot of knowledge about anatomy since the LMT has to know how to deal specifically with sports injuries. I hate to break your bubbles guys, but personally I think men do this one better since it requires intense pressure with the hands.

"Shiatsu" is the second hardest form. Basically it's intense pressure applied with the fingers, palms and thumbs, with emphasis on certain pressure points on the body (See? I actually remember quite a bit of my LMT training).

"Swedish" is what most people associate with therapeutic massage. It's more of a gentle style with lots of caressing and rubbing (no - not the naughty kind).

"Reiki" I don't know much about. It's supposed to be about manipulating the energy fields of the body. I remember having this one reiki session during my training with this really greasy looking hippy chick. She would rub my back with giant circular motions - like she was cleaning a giant dinner plate. Then she'd shake off her hands as if rinsing all the food crumbs off. She said it was to remove all the negative energies. Personally I think it's a load of crap.

Now "deep tissue" and "relaxing" aren't massage types, they are styles. Deep tissue uses the hard techniques of sports and shiatsu, while relaxing uses the softer caressing techniques of swedish. I will tell you right now that 90% of the LMT's out there give only a relaxing massage with a little deep tissue thrown in. This is because most customers don't know the difference and/or don't care. So when you make your appointment, don't expect the harder forms of shiatsu or sports unless you actually request it.

My personal style is mostly relaxing with deep tissue thrown in if the customer needs it. I'll even do sports by request (I get this mostly from truckers who've actually strained something while working). But when I'm feeling lazy, in a hurry, or I just find you annoying - you'll get a relaxing only.

Massage Etiquette
OK, now you know what to ask for before you start, so let's go over what to expect in the room. The first thing your masseuse is gonna do is ask you to get "comfortable." This means to either get naked or strip down to underwear and then slip underneath the sheet (or towel). Personally, I prefer that you keep the underwear on for a therapeutic, but if you're getting a full body massage that includes the glutes, then you want them off. For you shy types out there - don't worry. If you go commando, the masseuse will ALWAYS keep you discretely covered. In fact, some masseuses will always keep you under a sheet and only uncover the parts of the body as they're worked.

Massages always start with you on your stomach. A basic massage will include the neck, shoulders, upper and lower back, thighs and calves. A full-body massage will also include the upper arms and feet (I won't do feet no matter how much you pay me).

When the back is finished, the masseuse will then ask you to flip over. This is a perfectly normal part of the massage and is not an indication that you are about to get jerked off. Let me repeat this for those of you who are slow learners... Being asked to flip over is NOT the same as offering a happy ending! I had one guy tell me that he once got up and left in the middle of a massage because he knew he was in one of “those” places when the masseuse asked him to flip over. She was going to massage your chest – dumbass. Anyway, the basic massage includes the pecs and the front of the thighs. Full-body will add the lower arms, hands, torso, lower legs and in some cases the head and face.

If I'm doing a 30 minute session, I usually go straight to happy ending after the flip since there's rarely enough time to do the chest and legs justice. In longer sessions, I do the front of the shoulders, chest and front of the thighs. If I'm doing a therapeutic, then they get the whole enchilada.

Speaking of enchiladas, I know some of you are wondering at this point, "I can't get my front massaged - I'll get a woody!" To you I say... Do you really think you're the first guy on the planet to sport wood during a normal massage? They actually teach us how to deal with this in massage school. We just throw an extra towel over you to hide it. That's it. End of crisis.

Now just because you didn't get a happy ending doesn't mean you shouldn't tip. I suggest $20 because the house usually pockets most of the money (unless it's a private practice). When I was still working the day spa, I was totally desperate for tips to supplement my salary since I got paid shit.

How To Ask A Masseuse For A Handjob
For those of you who are still puzzling over the age-old question "How do I ask a masseuse for a happy ending?" - there is a simple answer.

The answer is "Never." You NEVER ask a masseuse for a happy ending for two reasons. First, if you're in a massage parlor it is understood that you're getting one (did you really think she took her top off for therapeutic reasons?). Second, if you're in a day spa, then you just committed what's known in legal circles as "solicitation." Look - I know that some of you guys play golf with a guy who had a college roommate that once talked a masseuse into a happy ending. But let me tell ya, you have as much chance of getting a handjob in a day spa as you have getting a handjob in a supermarket. Go back to reading your Penthouse Letters guys.

Now I'm hoping that lots of you guys get gift certificates for massages this Christmas. Then you can practice what I've taught you and report back. And please... don't embarass yourself by asking poor hard working girls for happy endings when they're barely earning more than minimum wage to massage your sorry butts!


Friday, December 19, 2008

Confessions of an Erotic Blogger!

Hey guys!

Check it out, I'm famous! I was asked to write something about keeping yourself anonymous on the internet for the website You can read it by clicking here.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like a celebrity now. Even though I post here all the time, there's something different about seeing your stuff on another website. It's like when the teacher asks you to read your essay about your summer vacation to the whole class because it was the best one. That's what it feels like! LOL


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Happy Anniversary!

Wow - would you believe I've doing this shit for a whole year now? The other day I took a peek at my first few attempts at writing on the internet and realized how much things have changed... Boy I sucked! How could you guys read that crap? I was cringing as I went over some of my first blog entries. And Gawd was I dramatic! It looked more like something out of the National Enquirer rather than the factual tell-all I wanted.

Anyway, I thought this would be a good time for me to talk about this blog and how it's affected me over the past year. That's what you're supposed to do every December, right?

Let me start off by saying that you guys have all been great. I've had so much fun talking about and sharing all this crap. I've had the opportunity to chat with fellow masseuses about the ins and outs (no pun intended) of The Business. And I've been able to give personal advice to guys about to try their first erotic massage (Where did ya go? I'm waiting for your stories!).

When I started doing this, I really didn't know what to expect. At first I figured this would be a quick and easy way to get some stuff off my chest (again no pun intended) and maybe get a couple of laughs. It was just so much easier (and safer) than having a real paper diary. And even better - I could confess whatever I wanted, and get real advice and feedback from others.

One of the best things I got out of all this was questions, comments and advice from people totally outside The Business. Before this blog, I would NEVER EVER EVER have considered telling any non-masseuses about work. You can't really appreciate what an incredible relief it was for me to suddenly have this outlet - where I could tell a story about a customer, or bitch about my boss, or just admit the real reason why my left hand is always sore. Now I feel totally free to complain about a bad day at work and not worry about being judged, and maybe even find a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. I can't thank you guys enough for being so nice to me!

Then I discovered another benefit of talking about work online - I got insight and feedback from other people in The Business! I mean I've been doing erotic massage for about 10 years now, and I thought I knew everything there was to know. But then I started to hear from girls all over the country who made me realize that I still have a lot to learn and to share.

Another thing I wanted to mention is that I've had the opportunity to chat with not only fellow masseuses, but dancers and escorts as well. After listening to some of their stories and advice, I would like to say right now that I've softened my stance on other types of sex workers and I'll apologize right now if I've offended some of you (one working girl to another!).

A few months ago I put my e-mail address on my profile so you guys could ask private questions if you wanted. It was great hearing from you - particularly the ones who were about to try their first erotic massage. But one thing I wasn't expecting were the requests by some of you guys to come see me at The Business. WOW - was I flattered! I mean, it NEVER occurred to me to use the internet to advertise. For real! I've since learned that a lot of other Businesses use Craigslist and other websites to advertise their servcies (did I have a lot to learn!). We have always relied on classifieds, billboards and word of mouth. Now I discover that most people look to the internet first, and Craigslist has become the worlds biggest pimp daddy.

Let me tell ya, considering how bad business has been recently, I WISH I could have seen all of you. But I learned a long time ago that in this line of work, anonymity is absolutely essential. I would never be able to write about work, the boss, and especially my precious "Freak of the Week" if I wasn't anonymous. I hope you guys can understand that. But boy, I would love to drum up new business if I could. If only there were a tiny little version of the internet that only existed in SE PA and I could instantly banish any stalkers and weirdos... Oh well.

One last thing I wanted to share is that when I first started, I wasn't sure what to write about. I figured you all would ask questions and I'd answer them, or I'd tell you about some freaky customer I just had. I never would have guessed that I'd eventually be talking about politics, human trafficking, or my own personal faults and weaknesses. After re-reading a few of the old posts, I saw how I went from less than honest on a few topics - to total confessions a short year later. In fact, I've admitted a few things on this blog first that Trina later yelled at me about for not telling her.

And there ya have it - a year of secrets and confessions from the world of erotic massage. I hope somebody out there was paying attention and learned something! And here's to another year... may it be filled with Freaks, Sugar Daddies, ditzy co-workers, and bitchy bosses to keep you entertained.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Sugar Daddies - Part 2

The whole sugar daddy thing is really stressing me out, so if you don't mind I'd like to drop the topic for now. Let's talk about more fun stuff! But if you don't mind there are a few things I'd like to clear up for all the newbies out there that have been asking questions.

First off, let me define for you guys again exactly what a "Sugar Daddy" is. Remember your friend Mike who used to spend his entire paycheck on a stripper named Crystal because "...she's not like the others..."? Well, he's not a sugar daddy. Now the guy who owns Mikes company, who keeps his girlfriend in an apartment 2 blocks from the office just so he can get a nooner - He's a sugar daddy.

What's the difference you ask? Cash was spent in both cases, but being a SD is a power thing. I can't speak for other girls who've been Sugar Babies, but in my experience I've seen 3 different types.

Since I'm not full service, I've only had 2 types. The first is the guy who just wants arm candy and is willing to pay for it. This is the guy who wants you around just to make him look good. I've had a couple of these and boy are they fun! My job was to hang all over them in front of their jealous friends and be the life of the party. Think of it as being a cruise director for 1 guy. This is the best gig to get since you're wined and dined (and occasionally travel!). Plus the guy knows it's just for show so they usually don't give you any trouble.

The second kind of SD is the "Father" type. These guys want to LITERALLY daddy you. I guess I'd call Pete one of these since he's been trying to "take care" of me. These guys shower you with attention, gifts and money. I hate to make a stereotype here, but they tend to have really fucked up family lives. I think their deal is that they really just want to feel like they're taking care of someone who actually appreciates it as opposed to their family members who take him for granted.

Some of these guys expect sex and some don't. The problem with this type unfortunately is that eventually they end up trying to seduce you and expect you to give in as a "symbol" of your appreciation for all that they've done for you. It can get messy (no pun intended), but not all the time. My Sugar Daddy Brad is an example - keeps telling me to go back to school or buy my own business or whatever. And only on occasion will he badger me for a blowjob. LOL

Lastly, there's the dominance guys. These are the ones that you're all probably thinking of when I say "Sugar Daddy." They get sex out of it, but it's not really about getting laid. Remember Eliot Spitzer? He spent $5000 to get laid, but he wasn't a SD. For these guys it's all about having a girl at their beck and call 24/7. I could never do this because I hate being bossed around, but I've had girlfriends who've had this kind of arrangement. It's not a bad gig if you can get it and the SD isn't abusive.

And that's the last word on Sugar Daddies for now.

I need a new Freak of the Week. Where the Hell were all you guys during Thanksgiving weekend?


Monday, December 8, 2008

Sugar Daddies Revisited

I noticed how much controversy my little date with Sugar Daddy Pete (SDP) generated the other week, so I decided to clear up a few things on the whole Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby thing.
I really didn't expect to see the lively (for lack of a better word) discussion between you guys. I was going to weigh in, but then it just got way too long to leave in the comments section.

I re-read my post on SDP. At the very least, I may have mis-represented myself. And at the worst, I was outright lying to myself and to you guys. Anyway, I think the problem started when I said the nature of the Sugar Daddy relationship is 90% business and 10% personal. I cringed when I realized I had said that. I'm pretty sure I was trying to describe SD's in general with that comment, but I ended up sounding like a greedy gold-digging skank.

In my own personal life, I haven't viewed my own SDs that way. When you're not full service (like me), that takes the "services rendered" part right out of the relationship. That's why I'm totally up front with anyone who wants to see me outside of work. Let me tell ya - I've lost a lot of potential SD's that way too, but I'm not going to sit there and take someone's money and just lead him around thinking he's gonna get it eventually. One of you guys commented along those lines, and I assure you I would never do that.

Now I've had guys accuse me of "leading them on" many times. But these were all just regular customers. Let me take a moment to explain something to those guys: IT'S JUST A HANDJOB. You're not special - you all got one.

Anyway, let's get back to SDP. I will be the first to confess that I was NOT totally upfront with him on this. And that's why I had to eventually explain it before things moved on. And I'm pretty sure it's clear now (at least I hope it's clear now).

I've been friends with all of my past SDs. Still am in some cases. Like I've said before, it's hard to NOT have sex sometimes. All the guys I take on as SDs are doing it for the company, the arm candy, and the occasional hand release (and in one rare case for pimping out a girlfriend to one of their buddies, but that's another story). When I think about it now, I can recall only once that I eventually had to let a SD go because he wanted to "upgrade" to full service.

So that's the real story. Am I back peddling from what I said before? Maybe! But it's a girls right to change her story to make herself look better. Give me some slack - it's Christmas!


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Thanksgiving Blues

I'm fucking pissed off at Audrey right now. I reminded you all that Thanksgiving week is the Mother of All Massage Weeks. Well, two things happened. First off, I can say with proof that the economy is in the shitter since business overall was less than half of what it was last year. This Thanksgiving, I had customers half the customers, and those that did come in were lousy tippers. It felt like another typical week - as if there was no holiday at all. It's almost eerie that no one has the extra cash anymore.

Second, that mother fucking bitch asshole Audrey worked through all my shifts!!!! In other words, whatever few customers came in, I had to share them with her. I would have had more if that bitch cunt hadn't sat there "helping" me with the few guys that bothered to show up. Fuck - I really needed that extra money for Xmas. Oh well.

But the final insult began this week. I typically work nights at the beginning of the week (because they're the worst shifts and Audrey doesn't want them). Usually we're dead, but the beginning of December is what I like to call "my little secret." This is the beginning of hunting season here in PA. It's a HUGE deal around here - so huge that it's kinda like a national holiday for us. In fact, I've even heard that some of the smaller towns actually close their schools for that first day of the season.

Anyway, I can usually count on the phone ringing off the hook, and the doorbell going non-stop. I guess when you get a bunch of guys with an excuse to get out of the house unsupervised for several days at a time, all that testosterone has to go somewhere.

That's where I come in (no pun intended).

For the most part, they're local guys that I don't see regularly. But once deer season starts, they're all in here with good moods and ready to party. The usually take shorter sessions (since they gotta get back on the road), but the tips are usually good. So I can usually clean up big time in a night if I can schedule them just right.

I've kept this surge in business away from Audrey for years now. I kinda flub the numbers in the log and I make sure all answering machine message are deleted before I go home. This way, she's never figured out how busy it actually is. Well, somehow that stupid bitch slut pig figured it out. So for the first time she actually sat in with me for the first 2 nights this week.

The good news is that I got to stick her with a bunch of therapeutic massages (the non-tippers). The bad news is that the overall turnout this year was horrible! But after the big Thanksgiving bust, I wasn't surprised. I guess you could say I was just disappointed. I was really counting on that money this year to make up for this total slump in business.

With any luck, she''s wondering what the big deal is about hunting season, and will NOT try to steal my shifts again next year. Then again, at the rate things are going there may not be a next year around here. Ugh.

I wonder if the Gap is hiring. I look fabulous in their T-shirts.