Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Black Friday

Well another Thanksgiving has come and gone (no pun intended). And the one thing we could all agree on was that Friday was definitely black - and not in a good way.

Business this year was bad. Good for November, but bad for a Thanksgiving weekend. Friday and Saturday nights didn't need 3 girls on schedule. We could have gotten away with 2, and the days may as well have been 1. My Erotic Economic Indicator says that Christmas is going to be a cheap one this year.

The one interesting thing from this weekend is that we definitely had a Black Friday crowd. Let me explain...

I opened The Business early on Friday. Usually it's Maude's job, but she was out shopping all day and was scheduled to close. Anyways, when I got there there was already a guy waiting out in the parking lot. I unlocked the doors and started my morning routine - turning up the thermostat, firing up the oil bottle warmers, and checking the phone messages.

That's when I noticed there were like 3 hang up calls from the night before and about another half dozen from that morning. There was a knock on the front door and I saw the guy who was waiting. I let him in and he admitted that he had called once about an hour before to see if we were open. Turns out he was one of those early morning bargain hunters, and thought this was the perfect excuse to be out of the house and dropping large amounts of cash without anyone noticing.

So I'm guessing that all those hang-ups were from his fellow bargain hunters. But midnight on Thanksgiving - seriously? At that hour you should be home in a turkey induced coma - not out cruising for someone to choke your chicken. Then again, if you're willing to camp in front of a store for 8 hours in the freezing rain for the chance at wrestling a little old lady for a $99 TV, a little manual stimulation may be in order.

Mr. Early Bird made a joke about whether we had any Black Friday "specials" going on. I actually thought that was funny. By the 4th time I heard it that day, it wasn't so funny. And by the end of the night I found myself saying "Please don't make the joke... Please don't make the joke" whenever the front door chimed.

But apart from all the work crap, my weekend was pretty good. Had lots to eat on Thanksgiving at Mom's house. Played with all the kids and caught up on gossip. And I even managed to do some shopping on Saturday before my evening shift. So overall, not a bad weekend.

And now begins the mad rush before Christmas. Now remember guys - giving the gift of massage is an excellent choice for your spouse. And we do offer gift certificates! Just make sure you include the tip. Not kidding - everyone forgets to throw in an extra $20 for the therapeutic gift certificates.

Now go out there and shop!


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

It's That Time Again - The MOTHER of all Massage Weekends

Hey guys!

Once again we've reached the beginning of the holiday season with Thanksgiving - or as I like to call it - The Mother Of All Massage Weekends. It's kinda been a tradition for me to convince all you guys out there to go find your local massage parlor this week. So today will be no exception.

For all you newbies out there - you're probably wondering why this is the busiest weekend of the year for us here at The Business. Well, erotic massage is one of those self-indulgent treats that relies heavily on 3 things:


And what other holiday provides these 3 things in abundance? Where else but Thanksgiving puts millions of cranky guys (urge) on the road (opportunity) right before the big shopping season (money).

So there you are... 2 hours into a drive that normally takes 45 minutes, heading to the house of that cousin that you never really liked, and with a wallet that hasn't been bled dry by holiday gifts for people you barely even know. Then suddenly you see it - a neon sign in a window that says "Spa." Things start going through your mind... "Should I or shouldn't I? Heck, I'm late anyways. And I could really use a massage. Perhaps I'll just stop by for a minute..."

And THAT is why this is our biggest weekend of the year.

Most of our customers this week will be newbies travelling for the holiday. But we also get lots of returning Regulars who want to do one last thing for themselves before they go broke over Christmas. Both Trina and Cindy will be here doing double shifts. And I think all 3 of us will be covering both Friday and Saturday. Heck, even Audrey hinted at coming in to "help" the last time I spoke to her. So any of you guys lucky enough to stumble across The Business this weekend will have a variety to chose from.

Heck, even Maude has gotten into it! She actually decorated the place in Thanksgiving stuff. Little paper turkeys on the walls, decorative flower arrangements, and even one of those Horn-o-Plenty things on the front desk (or "horny"-o-Plenty as Cindy kept calling it all week - which was only funny for about 10 minutes then it got old really really fast). Now all we need is for Maude to show up at work dressed as a pilgrim and we'll be set.

Hmmmmmmm.... Maybe I'll offer a special "Pilgrim and Indian" role play option this week. I'll wear a feather in my hair. And nothing else.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Crackdown Update

Well it's been 2 weeks since the election and 3 weeks since the last raid. And as I suspected, there's been nothing since then. Now that the dust has settled and local political jobs are safe for another couple years, the cops will go back to handing out parking tickets and eating donuts.

I hope.

Anyway, I checked in with my girlfriend who runs her business out in the burbs. Those raids 3 weeks ago scared the shit out of all her girls and it took a while to get everyone comfortable enough to come back to work. Luckily they seem to have escaped any unwanted attention. However, she now tells me that a local town is drafting a new ordinance targeting massage parlors.

It works like this... Basically it's requiring all the girls to be licensed and prove citizenship (which is just a rehashing of state law anyway). This citizenship bit obviously targets the AMPs. It also limits the hours of operation so any unlucky guys who absolutely positively need a massage at 1am will have to cross the border to Jersey (which I guess is fine if you don't mind your masseuse having 6 inch nails and being the color orange).

Normally, rules like this wouldn't affect places like The Business since our hiring paperwork is clean and our hours are not suspicious. BUT this new law will require the town to personally inspect each parlor for compliance. THAT is the clincher. It's really a golden key to get you unlimited access to any suspected parlor. I'll bet you money right now that most of the parlors around here wouldn't even be able to pass the cleanliness inspection, let alone the citizenship tests.

Needless to say, my friend is worried that these new laws will work their way to neighboring towns, including hers. I'm not too worried about it since this is probably just some bullshit publicity stunt leftover from the election. The town authorities probably had to write the law to fulfill all those campaign promises they made a month ago. At least with a police raid all you have to do is waste the cops time for a couple of days until you get your name in the papers for being tough on crime.

I had a similar discussion with a customer recently. He said my theory on crackdowns before an election was BS because there was a nationwide bust of a gang-run prostitution ring just AFTER the election. So why would the feds wait a few days to do their raids if it's so good for politics?

That's because if you're a local mayor/police chief/councilman/etc., the LAST thing you want is the feds stepping in and basically embarassing your local cops by doing their job for them. An FBI raid just shows that you have no control over crime in your town.

And how do I know all this you ask? Well, you gotta talk about something when your customer is a lawyer or a cop (or even a local politician!).


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Freak Of The Week - Shavers

The new Freak Of The Week is courtesy of my new girl "J" up in Canada. Heya!

She reminded me of a whole class of guys that I never really considered as freaky. They are the shavers - guys who ask you to shave them down. Now I did a FOTW a while ago on a guy we call "Captain Haircut" but his deal was very specific and ritualistic. What I'm talking about are the guys who want me to shave them down with a razor.

I haven't had a request for this in a couple months, but when I do it's no big dea since we have the showers for easy cleanup. Shavers ask me to shave their body, backs, pubes and balls. Most common request is balls and pubes.

Since I classify this as a fetish, I charge an extra $100. We keep disposable razors and shaving gel in the back closet for just this occasion (or another special request where I shave myself - but that's a whole other story). Then we just throw everything away when we're done.

There's usually no massage involved and we just get down to business. I'll ask the guy to take a quick shower first since it helps with the whole shaving process. Then I'll have him lie on the table with a couple extra towels under his butt since it's going to get messy. Next, I'll take some shaving gel in one hand and gently massage it into his pubes and then his balls (if I can remember - I try to stick the container in the bottle warmer before we get started to help make this part more pleasant). I'll fill a cup with some hot water from the shower to keep it handy to clean the razor.

When he's good and lathered up, I'll start by shaving his balls. I've discovered that this makes for good foreplay with a Shaver. I've done this often enough that I even have my own technique of gently manipulating the skin of his sack so I get a good close shave. And all that attention to the balls usually gets him nice and aroused for the next part.

So when he's all cleanly shaven down below, that's when I'll take my well lathered left hand and slowly wrap it around his cock. Then I pull it down and out of the way (and if it takes me a few tries before I get a good angle at his pubes, he never seems to mind). With my right hand I'll then shave a patch of skin, then "reposition" his cock with my left. So in essence the customer gets a sort of alternating tug-n-shave. But I always hold the dick perfectly still while doing the actual shaving motion because the last thing you want is anything moving around when you're using a razor.

At this point, some Shavers might have an "accident" during the shave - which is the point I guess. So that's why I try to help it along because I get to kill 2 birds with 1 stone. But usually after I finish the shave, I offer to do the happy ending immediately while they're still aroused and not wait till after they've rinsed off in the shower. Some guys don't even ask for the end part - they're just happy with the shave.

After the happy ending, I'll clean them up real quick with a fresh towel and send them back into the shower. With the remaining few guys who prefer their handjob after the shower I have to be extra careful because sometimes the oils we use will irritate their skin. Nothing kills the mood faster than a guy jumping up and down, holding his junk and yelling "That burns! That burns!"

Told ya we should have done it with the shaving cream!


Thursday, November 11, 2010

The 15 Minute Option

Someone sent me this comic today and I thought it was hilarious. It got me thinking about all the guys who ask for our "cheapest" option. It was never really an issue back in the good old days, but for the last 2 years we basically had our own version of a Bargain Basement Special.

The 15 Minute Option was made official by Audrey when business had all but tanked a couple years ago. I mean we each had our own personal version of it, but it was kinda hush-hush. The problem was that the shortest session we offered was 30 minutes, which means that it cost at least $30 just to walk through our doors. Then on top of that, our cheapest option is topless for an additional $80. So the cheapest session with happy ending was a total of $110.

Then Audrey cut her prices for topless without telling anyone, and the customers start complaining that the rest of us are charging too much. So then Trina, Cindy and me dropped our topless price as well. Then to make matters worse, the economy tanked and now customers are trying to barter with us. "Look, I'll give you $27 and this half-used gift card for Olive Garden..." It was that bad.

Now I had my own "Blue Light Special" if you will. For Regulars that I liked, and who were in a hurry, I'd offer a 15 minute session when Audrey wasn't around. Without her at the front desk, I could let the customer skip the door fee. Then in the room, I'd basically give them a 10 minute back rub, followed by a fully-clothed happy ending for $60. They're happy for saving time and money, and I'm happy for pocketing a decent tip without having to undress. A win-win for everyone.

When business got bad, we were hit with this wave of bargain hunters. Guys with hard luck stories. Guys threatening to take their business elsewhere. And in some cases, guys offering to pay with DVD players and cartons of cigarettes.

And their M.O. was usually the same - get their naked asses up on the table before I had offered options. They figured I'd have no choice but to agree to whatever scheme they had in mind. But unfortunately for them, in my line of business, the customer is NOT always right. I don't know about you guys, but in my book lying naked on a table with your limp dick hanging in the breeze is not exactly a good position to negotiate from. So whenever some customer would say "I only have $20, take it or leave it," I'd usually just open the door to our brightly lit hallway and then point to the exit. Amazing how that bright light helped them find extra money in their wallet.

Sometimes I'd compromise and offer them either a topless massage OR a happy ending. NOT both. But I never liked offering this option because I still spent the same time in session, but for a smaller tip. So when Audrey finally let us start offering a 15 minute session, none of us argued.

It works basically like this: $20 at the door so Audrey still makes her money, plus another $40 in session. And in 15 minutes, you pretty much only have enough time for some chit-chat and a handjob. I don't even bother to offer clothing options because these guys just want to get in, get off, and get out. Sometimes I'll take my shirt off for a sort of "bra only" option if it helps to get them off quicker, and most importantly - encourage them to take a longer session next time (that's what I call marketing).

The 15 minute option was popular for a while, but now things are picking back up and we're seeing more 45 and even 60 minute sessions again. But the 15 minute option is still great for the man on the go. Get in, get off, get out, and still have time for a burger before lunch is over.


Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Pimp-n-Ho Economic Indicator

I told you guys I had a funny story about pimps and drug dealers. Well, it occurred to me the other day when I was talking about how they make lousy clients. And they're lousy for a couple of reasons (other than the fact that they draw too much attention to a business). We get our share of P's and D's (Pimp's and Dealer's) in here because face it - who else has more disposable income? And that's why I think they make a great economic indicator.

I've talked about the Erotic Massage Indicator, and the Handyman Indicator - we're the first one's to know when things go bad because we rely so heavily on disposable income. But when times are bad, you can always count on the P's and D's because they always seem to have money, and in some cases even MORE money. So now I would like to introduce CJ's "Pimp-n-Ho Indicator."

Take for example a cousin of mine. "Benjy" runs his own custom car stereo place. I'm talking the top-of-the-line stuff, not your $200 Sony radio with cassette player. He specializes in the extreme, 27 speaker, 50 gigawatt, 12 LCD screen, mobile disco on wheels. His work has been featured in car magazines and TV shows. And it's NOT cheap. He once offered to pimp my ride, but when he mentioned price my left hand cramped up at the equivalent number of handjobs I'd need to cover it. That's the level we're talking here.

Anyway, not too long ago he was doing a great business. But back then it was professional athletes, young dot-com millionaires, or guys doing well in real estate. He tells me now that he barely scrapes together enough money for rent by relying on business from P's and D's. They're mostly guys from the city looking towards the burbs for either a bargain, or just something different.

I'm not fond of their business either because one way or another, they're always trying to recruit you. And they're very pushy because that's just the way they do business. So I just assumed that Benjy hates them for the same reasons. Turns out that's not the case. Benjy just hates them because they're cheap, greedy, self-centered assholes. Let me explain...

When you're working with high-end stuff, whether it's stereo equipment, custom cars, fancy speedboats, etc., your business relies on reputation and word-of-mouth. I guess rich guys don't exactly reach for the yellow pages when they want to pimp out the Bentley. Instead, they see something they like at trade shows, magazines, or their rich neighbors driveway, and then just ask where they got it.

Apparently in the social sphere of Pimps and Dealers, this is considered a serious breach of etiquette. Benjy said that the problem is that whenever he finishes a job for P's and D's, he knows that all that work is a dead end and will not generate any additional sales or increase his reputation. The P's and D's will take all the credit for themselves, and will not divulge who did the work for them - no matter how many shows they do or photo spreads they get. They basically consider people like Benjy as "their little secret."

Some of you are probably thinking so what? - they paid for a product, so they can do whatever they want with it. But as Benjy pointed out to me (after I said just that) he can't exactly advertise high-end services like his in the newspaper. Instead, he has to rely on the occasional plug like "as featured in Extreme Noise Magazine" or "winner of the 2009 Ghettoblaster award."

So now my cousin is just hoping things will pick up soon so he can be more selective with his customers. I know what he means. I feel the same way about customers who smell bad.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Update, Correction and Apology

Between all this talk about crackdowns and raids, Audrey decided to close The Business for Saturday and Sunday.

Well, to be more truthful, it was between all those Halloween parties that we closed up shop. Trina and I had way too much to do this weekend with all the costume shopping and beer runs and whatnot in preparation for a weekend of Halloween festivities. Cindy was willing to work, but both Audrey and I agree that she wouldn't know she was servicing a cop even if were in full uniform, with a badge and carrying a video camera. "And I thought he was doing a role play..."

You know who did work this weekend? Maude - Audrey's dull sister. Let me tell ya something, that bitch takes her job seriously. I mean, she came in, worked the phones, and told anyone who called that we were unavailable. AND she cleaned the place from top to bottom! Personality of wallpaper, but a good worker.

Looks like we didn't miss much since there was no more news on raids this past weekend. Let's cross our fingers and see if the interest in parlors ends today.

Now I'd like to take the opportunity to apologize about my comment the other day about the clientele of full service parlors.

What I was trying to say is that WHEN a parlor's customers change over to drug dealers and criminals, that it will attract too much attention and eventually get taken down. That's what happened to a couple of places around here a few years back. I was not trying to say that EVERY full service place is patronized exclusively by pimps and dealers (however, I do have a funny story regarding that which I'll share later). The point I was trying (poorly) to make is that a parlor's worst enemy is attention of any kind.

There are 2 kinds of attention: cops and neighbors. The current crackdown is based on the attention from neighbors. A national organization fighting human trafficking has teamed up with local religious groups to identify and investigate suspicious parlors in the area (yes - I read the paper too). And I'm sure many businesses in the Delaware Valley ended up on a list of some kind that they turned over to the feds/townships/police/etc.

And this leads to the other kind of attention: cops. This is the really bad kind of attention because unlike neighbors, cops can shut you down. And cops HAVE to investigate if there's been a complaint. So after everything was said and done, they shut down about 20 Asian massage parlors and 2 American ones. My guess is that the American ones got thrown in there because they were just waaaaay to obvious to ignore.

And this is why I made that bad example of how a parlor can call attention to itself by its customers. Actually a very successful parlor (whether full service or not) will have an incredibly dull clientele. And that's the kind of business you want - not politicians, celebrities, or criminals. Sure, they may be more interesting and have more money to throw around, but there's either a reporter or a cop who followed them here taking pictures and writing down license plate numbers. No thank you.

So my apologies to my fellow masseuses out there if I offended anyone. And you full service fans - sorry if I lumped you in with the "wrong" crowd.