Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

My baby sister and I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few last minute items for mom. Just as we were pulling into the parking lot, a guy in a ski jacket comes bolting out the front door and running through the parking lot. As he passed us, a guy in a white shirt and tie came running out of the store chasing him.

Now this stuff usually only happens in the movies, but just at the exact moment the ski jacket guy reaches the street, a cop car just pulled up directly in front of him. I swear it was absolute perfect timing.

My sister and I watched this and started laughing our asses off. I mean honestly - when have you ever seen a cop arrive right in the knick of time? Well anyway, we got a good laugh about it while we did our shopping. About 15 minutes later, we were back out the door.

The cops are still parked at the edge of the parking lot. We get in the car and pull out, taking our time to drive past slowly so we can see what's happening. Ski jacket guy is standing next to the cop car with his hands cuffed behind him. Shirt and tie guy is talking to the cops. And on the hood of the cop car, we see 6 cans of soup.

We stopped laughing and didn't say much on the ride home.

Happy fucking Thanksgiving.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?

I'm totally ashamed about what I did for a Klondike Bar...

Anyway, you're probably all wondering how my "date" with Sugar Daddy Pete (SDP) went. Well lets just say that we both got what we wanted... LOL

Well if you remember, we had agreed on dinner and a visit to the new vacation house. It turns out that this place is kinda out there in Amish country, so I ended up meeting him in town early Friday afternoon and then jumping in his car for the ride. I discovered to my surprise that he already owns a condo near where the house is being built, and that was where he was taking me to dinner. The ride was kinda long, but it gave us plenty of time to talk and get comfortable. SDP is one of those guys who puts you at ease and can talk about any topic. Our conversation went from the election to the best place to buy womens shoes (DSW).

The condo was gorgeous (except for the tiny little bathrooms). SDP dabbled a little bit in real estate and got this place for a song. This was well before he decided to upgrade to a full vacation spread nearby. With the house almost finished he's either gonna sell this place or transfer it to a friend of his. I made a joke about that friend being "me" and he laughed - politely.

SDP cooked a wicked good pasta dish. The bottle of wine we polished off wasn't too bad either. Let me tell ya, I coulda just hung out at his place all night. I had a little buzz going, it was cold outside, SDP was quite charming, and the flat screen TV didn't hurt things. But eventually he suggested we take a ride out there since it was already getting dark. So we jumped into his Range Rover (did I mention he has a Range Rover? His other car is a Mercedes and his wife drives a Lexus) for the short drive out to the house.

The house is located on the edge of some woods, overlooking a little valley - absolutely gorgeous views, even for the Amish country. It looked more or less done, except for all the construction trash lying all over the bare dirt yard. I have to tell you, it was probably the biggest house I've ever been in. I think I counted 6 bedrooms and probably as many baths. It's hard to remember since one room kinda blended into the next. No furniture yet, but most of the fixtures had been installed.

We ended the tour in the kitchen, and you know what they say... "The party always ends in the kitchen." This was no exception. I knew what he was thinking - remember, my last boyfriend was a contractor. And when you're a contractor there's nothing like breaking in a new house! I don't know what it is with men and empty buildings. If you knew how many times I've "christened" a bathtub, kitchen floor, garage, and even fresh carpeting in some poor guys house, you'd never look at your builder the same again. Weird stain on your new hot tub? And you thought it was just glue...

Well in this case, Pete was eyeing the new granite kitchen countertop. Yeah - like that's soooooo original. Granite is cold and freakin hard on the knees, but at least it's easy to clean up afterwards. We were just standing there making small talk when his hand started playing with the side of my Fuck-Me skirt (which perfectly matched my Fuck-Me heels). I pretended not to notice or care, which I think just made him even more bold. After a minute of running his fingers up and down my hip, he just sort of casually worked his way lower and lower until they started to brush the bottom of the skirt.

Then without warning, my skirt was up and over my ass. I stopped talking and just gave him a big smile as if this was most welcome. He didn't grab my ass right away, but instead used his other hand to lift the front of my skirt. I have to admit, it was pretty kinky to be standing there underneath those super bright construction lights with my skirt raised, all vulnerable like. I decided right there that I didn't want him to dominate the moment.

I looked straight into his eyes, and very slowly dropped to my knees, the fabric of my raised skirt moving gently down across his fingers. First the back of the skirt fell free, then the front. I kept going until I almost reached the floor. In my heels, my face was more or less even with his belt buckle. Without taking my eyes off of his, I deliberately moved my hands up his pant legs until they reached his zipper. The front of his pants were becoming visibly tight at this point. I playfully rubbed my nose against the fabric as I tugged his zipper down and pulled out his

Boy you guys are suckers! Did you really think I'd suck the dick of a guy I barely know for money? Hell, I don't even like doing that with guys I'm dating. Anyway, we DID end the tour in the kitchen (which was to die for if you like kitchens). I told him what a lovely house he has, and that it shows off his tastes. He said if I play my cards right we could be enjoying the outdoor jacuzzi later this winter. Then he took me back to town and to my car. No - we didn't stop back at the condo for more wine. We chatted for a bit longer about just stuff in general - nothing really serious - when he finally handed me an envelope.

"Here... This is to help you with your bills."

I didn't open it, but thanked him. Then he gave me a little peck on the cheek and told me he'd be back this way soon. And that was it - he was a perfect gentleman. The thing you have to understand about the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationship is that it's about 90% business and only 10% personal. It's basically a business transaction - actually having chemistry is just a bonus. That's why I really never expected him to make a pass at me. And also another reason why I know he's done this before.

I didn't open the envelope until I got home. It was a more than generous "donation" to the charitable cause which is CJ. Hell, if I get this "just because" I can't wait to see what he does for Xmas!

And that was my "date" with Sugar Daddy Pete. Sorry if my story didn't give you guys the money shot you were hoping for!


Friday, November 21, 2008

Massage Parlor Etiquette

OK - now that we're approaching the Mother of All Massage Weeks - Thanksgiving - I thought I'd give you guys a quick lesson in massage parlor etiquette. Why Thanksgiving week you ask? Well, think about it...

1) Millions of tired, cranky guys on the road in desperate need of stress relief
2) All heading to places they're in no hurry to get to
3) Wallets are full and have not been emptied yet by the Xmas season
4) It's the last opportunity to do something for yourself for the next 5 weeks

So I expect all you guys out there to hit your local (or not so local) massage parlors next week. Pay attention because there will be a quiz. Now I'm not going to get into HOW to find a massage parlor, since I went over that in an older post. I will also take this moment to remind you guys out there to boycot the Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs) since they are usually tied to organized crime. So if you're gonna get your dick rubbed, do it for America!

We'll assume that you've found a place and you're ready to give it a try. These rules should apply to parlors whether full-service or not. So take notes and pay attention:

1) Be prepared

As long as you're prepared to have an erotic massage, things should go smoothly. First, be clean. A little personal hygiene goes a long way. Not every place has showers, so try to wash up before you head on over. I can't tell you how many times I've had to deal with nasty B.O. And let me tell ya - nothing turns off a masseuse more than a stinky customer. A little cologne helps too. Remember - you want us to ENJOY being around you for an hour. Come in with a little CK and I may be convinced to spend some extra time with you. Wear some Burberry and I may end up going home with you! But douse yourself with Drakkar and your ass may end up on the street.

The other key to being prepared is to BRING CASH. Some parlors will take credit cards, but ALL would prefer not to. Besides, when it comes time to negotiate what options you want in the room, you need cash! Nothing kills the mood faster than having to stop a session, just to go run a credit card. Besides, you probably want a paper trail less than we do.

For newbies, I would suggest having $200 in cash on you. Don't get scared - you can probably get a decent massage with a nice happy ending for around $100. But the last thing you want is to not have enough cash to negotiate with. Meanwhile, full service places may end up costing you more than $200. Believe me - there is no "maximum" to the amount you can spend in session. Now if you're looking for something more kinky or downright weird, then you DEFINITELY need to have some cash on you. I know what I charge for options and extras, but i can't speak for other places. So PLEASE don't ask me to guess how much a topless session with foot worship and ball-busting ending with a breast release would cost.

2) Know The Lingo

I've posted other stuff on the secret language of the massage parlor, but I'll quickly go over it here just so you don't do or say anything stupid.

When you walk in, don't say anything dumb like "Can I get laid?" As a general rule we do not discuss ANYTHING that goes on within the rooms on the phone or at the desk. This is for obvious reasons. Leave your dirty little laundry list of perversions for once you're inside the room. At the desk you'll first be asked if you've ever been there before. You can say, "Yes, but it's been a while..." or "No, but I've had non-therapeutic massages before." This lets them know that you're cool and they won't automatically stick you with a therapeutic massage with no happy ending.

Feel free to ask who'll be giving you the massage. Some places will trot out all the girls for you to chose from (We call this the "Beauty Pageant" and we HATE it). At most places you'll get whoever is working the desk. If you don't fancy her, feel free to ask if there's anyone else available, but don't be an asshole about it. One polite way that doesn't offend me is to ask if there's any "brunette's" available (I'm blonde). It doesn't hurt my feelings and gets me to describe the other girls.

All that's discussed at the front desk is just the amount of time you want in session. For starters, I'd say 45 minutes. 30 is too short to enjoy yourself, and the price for options remains the same. If you end up having a good time and want to increase it, you can always do that for a nominal price.

Once you're in the room, Wait for the masseuse to give you instructions before asking about what all the options are. If she asks you to "get comfortable" then leaves, that's your cue to disrobe and get under the towel. This part is important! I know some places that if you don't get naked, they take that as a sign that you're a newbie and want a therapeutic massage only. The masseuse will then offer you her particular options; typically topless, nude or G-string. When options are offered, the understanding is that you're gonna get your happy ending. You don't have to ask! At my business the happy ending is a hand release, but in full service places you'll also be offered the option of a blowjob or fucking. Either way, your session will still consist of a relaxing massage followed by the happy ending you paid for.

And finally, if you want what we call "extras" then ask up front. Extras are anything above and beyond the happy ending such as breast release, toe sucking, lingerie, facials, etc. Ask politely while you're still negotiating the options for two reasons. First, some girls may not mind the extra you want and won't charge for it. I knew one girl who didn't charge extra for breast releases because she figured anything that gets the guy off quicker, the better for her.

Second, if you wait till the end of your session to ask for an extra, you'll probably get charged more than if you had negotiated it up front. I can't begin to tell you how much $$$ I've made off of guys who wait till the MIDDLE of the hand release (when all the blood has rushed away from their brains) to ask for something extra. I call that a "Cha-Ching!" moment - as in "Hey Trina, the drinks are on me. I had a Cha-Ching moment during my 3 o'clock."

3) Attitude, Attitude, Attitude

The key to enjoying yourself, relaxing and having a good time in a massage parlor is attitude. I can't emphasize that enough. If you come in with the right attitude, then you'll definitely have a good time.

Think of it this way... Picture your masseuse as a really cute waitress. It's her job to get you what you ordered, you're going to be in close contact with her for an hour, and she works for tips. So what should you do if you want to really enjoy your time? You treat her with respect, you joke around, and even flirt. Remember - she's the one who's stuck at work, but would really like to enjoy that hour just as much as you do. So if you're friendly and make the time enjoyable for both of you, then she'll return the favor. But instead of free drinks, you might get some extra time or even an extra option for free!

I remember this one customer - a traveling salesman of some kind. Well, let me tell ya - this guy was a total pisser. He was cracking jokes and making me laugh from the minute he walked through the door. He was in no way a good looking guy, but I ended up enjoying his company so much that I actually went way outta my way for him, just so he'd stay longer. I even ended up doing a little strip tease for him - something that I NEVER do for Regulars because I'm too self conscious - just because we both thought it would be funny.

So remember guys - a little bit of the right attitude goes a looooong way.

4) Expectations

This one is particularly important for the newbies. Keep your expectations reasonable - especially if it's your first erotic massage. Remember - not all of you will be lucky enough to find me next week. Attitude also plays in this one. Expect to have a good time, but don't walk in to a place you've never seen before and expect a harem of Pamela Anderson clones willing to blow you. All you should expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage by a semi-clad masseuse, followed by a hand release.

Let me back up here... Technically, all you're supposed to expect from a massage parlor is a relaxing massage. That's it. In fact, some parlors will ONLY give you a therapeutic massage if you're a new customer. So there is a chance that you may get disappointed if it's your first time.
Chances are you won't know if the parlor you're in is full service or not until AFTER you get there.

Some full service places will just tell you up front, others wait until after you're in the room. Once again - DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING. Your masseuse may not tell you what her options are until after the massage part is over - especially if you're new and she's trying to figure out if you're cool or not. In my Business, I offer my clothing options up front (topless, nude, or G-string). I don't even mention the hand release, since I assume that it's understood. If you want an extra such as a breast release, go ahead and ask! Believe me, there is probably nothing new these girls haven't heard before.

Now if you don't know if the parlor you're in offers full service, by all means don't be afraid to ask! Just say up front "Are you full service?" It won't offend us. In fact, it helps if you get it on the table right away just so your expectations are addressed sooner rather than later. And if it's not full service - relax... you're still gonna get your happy ending!

One last thought on expectations... If you feel uptight about paying some anonymous woman to jerk you off - don't. Believe me, it's a job just like any other. I have a schedule, I get a paycheck, I pay taxes, I hate my boss, and I joke around with my coworkers just like everyone else. Do you look down on the woman who cuts your hair? Do you feel sorry for the guy who empties your garbage can? No - because they're just doing their jobs. It's the same thing with an erotic masseuse. I'm paid to do a very specialized task that not everyone can do.

So just lay back, relax and trust me. I'm a professional and I'm very good at my job.

Now go on out there guys and good luck! Let me know how your Thanksgiving vacations go. And I'll bet that your family will be wondering over their turkey dinner why you're in such a good mood this year.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Indecent Proposal - Update

I just wanted to give you guys a quck update on what's going on with Sugar Daddy Pete (SDP).
I am kinda surprised at the amount of comments I got over this one. But what really surprised me is how supportive most of you are for me to actually fuck him for money. Honestly, I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted by that!!!

It's funny, a couple years ago there would never have even been a debate over this. I was younger, I was rolling in cash, and Sugar Daddies were a dime a dozen. Today business sucks, I know I'm getting older, and I'm lucky to have a customer who tips extra. Ugh.

Well, I bring all this up because SDP called me today and we have a "date" for Friday (my day off). And since all your advice was rattling around my head all weekend, I actually told him up front that he's not getting laid. That's right... I said it straight up. I know how the Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationship works, and I'm not going to let him set the rules. He seemed OK with it over the phone.

Now here is the part where I confess what really happened.

When I had him on the phone he kinda hinted at getting a room on Friday, and that's when I gave him my I Don't Roll Like That speech. However, I was really nervous after I laid down the law, so I followed it up with something wishy-washy like "I need to get to know you first..." In other words, it totally sounds like I'm leaving the door open.

I never realized that negotiating for no sex could be so hard!


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Indecent Proposal

What an awful weekend... I had to work all weekend and made no money, I had the WORST blind date ever (more on that later), I saw my ex with his new girlfriend, AND my car is crapping out.

This is the weekend that Sugar Daddy Pete (SDP) decided to drop on by. Talk about being down and out! If there was a scale to measure desperation, I think I was about a 9.5 by Sunday afternoon when SDP showed up unexpectedly.

He gave me a song and dance about how he "lost" my number, blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. Even though I've been considering him as a potential Sugar Daddy, I gave him some attitude about it. Luckily he was OK with it and took me in session anyway.

I'm starting to get a better read on him. By his behavior I can tell that he's done the massage parlor thing before. He's very polite and knows exactly what to ask for and how to ask it (I think I'm going to do a post on massage parlor etiquette next for all you newbies out there). There was nothing unusual about our session. He took the hour with a mutual massage. I offered him a double, but he politely declined. Then we started talking.

Work has been keeping SDP busy, and that's why he hasn't been around lately, etc. etc. I think if you replace the word "work" with the word "wife" it better explains things - but that's just me thinking out loud! Anyway, he said that his vacation house is almost finished and was wondering if I'd like to see it... SOON.

Uh... wow. Like that isn't an obvious move on his part. There's nothing new about a rich guy asking to see me outside of work. What's not new is that I said yes. Fuck - I didn't even hesitate!!!!! That's the frame of mind I was in at the end of last weekend - desperate enough to agree to anything.

Now before any of you start writing hate mail calling me a whore, keep in mind that nothing's happened yet. The problem here is that whenever you agree to see a customer outside of work, there's always expectations... Is it a friendly thing? Is he expecting sex? Is he expecting a (sigh) date? He knows I'm not full service so I took this moment to kinda remind him ("kinda" being the operative word here). I think my exact words were, "Sure, I'd love to see the house."

OK, I lied. But I thought long and hard about whether to tell the truth to all you guys on the internet. Ugh. I'm not a whore if I haven't done anything whorey (whore-ish?) yet - right? He said it'll be the house, then dinner. That sounds innocent enough I guess.

It's time's like this that I really appreciate the upfront guys who just ask directly if I'll fuck them for money. At least it's honest and there's no pretense. You never have to ask yourself "What did he really mean by that?" Those guys I can handle with a simple "fuck no" and everything is back to normal and there's no hard feelings. But now I've set myself up in one of those vague situations that I'm sure I'm going to regret (and write about) later on.

That's one of the weird things about working in a massage parlor. Where else is the phrase "Could you suck my dick?" considered shop talk?

Our session ended quite nicely. And by "nicely" I mean I was handed a big wad of cash. Counting it after he left distracted me from my dilemma for about 10 minutes. Then I was on the phone asking Trina what the hell I should do.

"I'd fuck him."

Thanks Trina... you're not much help.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me!

Hey Guys!

Today's my birthday, so please forward flowers and gift certificates for Tiffany's to:

c/o The Business
Reading, PA

For my b-day, Audrey got us tickets to see the Nutcracker in Philadelphia in December. I know that sounds totally corny, but I just love that kind of holiday stuff! And while I'm in Philly, I'll burn up all those gift certificates I know I'm going to get flooded with.

I ended up working on my b-day, but that's what happens when you don't have a boyfriend. The Brad Pitt clone wanted to take me out, but he's been such a pain in the ass ever since he discovered I've been doing the online dating thing. I worked with Trina today, so when she showed up she had this giant bouquet of flowers for me, plus a bag of presents. Then she took me out to lunch.

I even got gifts from customers today! Sugar Daddy Brad (SDB) had balloons delivered to The Business, and 1 of my Regulars stopped by with some DVDs and a really cool card. Another Regular just tipped me an extra $100 at the end of the session (I think he felt guilty for not getting a card).

Tonight - cake and ice cream at mom's!


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Politics and Hand Jobs Make Strange Bedfellows

Happy Election Day! Now go out there and vote... I just did. I'm working nightshift today, so I got to avoid most of the lines.

Now if there's one thing I've learned about what NOT to talk about in session, it's politics and sports. Those are the 2 biggest taboo topics I have. You'd think that religion would be another one, but for some reason I've discovered that guys just don't bring up religion while enjoying an erotic massage. Not even the preachers!!!! Anyway, I don't bring up politics or sports in session because those are the only 2 topics that will actually lose you a customer.

For example...

I am NOT a Philly's fan. I know that sounds funny considering we're basically a suburb of Philly, but I have always been and will always be a Red Sox fan (even now I can see a lot of you guys out there turning off your computers in disgust after reading this). You wanna know how difficult it is to root for the Sox when you live amongst Philly fans? I've almost gotten into fist fights with MEN for wearing for my Red Sox stuff to local sports bars. And I've actually lost customers for talking about it. Trina is a big Philly's fan, so she's picked up the guys who refuse to see me anymore.

The same goes for politics. I'm not going to mention who I voted for because I figure the rest of you who stayed after hearing I'm a Sox fan will probably leave if I say that. What I do now when a customer brings it up is usually just agree with whatever he says, or just bite my tongue (which is really hard for a big mouth like me).

You see, when you're paid to entertain a client for up to an hour, you learn to be an expert in almost any topic. The massage and The Girls, can only distract a customer so much... eventually you gotta say something. So I can talk about most anything for a little while, but when politics come up I'll try to steer the conversation to something else. And let me tell you - A LOT of you guys have been obsessed with the election for the last month. So whenever I didn't agree with the politics of a customer, I'd try to distract him (and in the worst case I even hurried a session). If I did agree with a client, it wasn't any better because I'd usually end up talking his ear off to the point where I'd forget about the time and end up rushing the happy ending.

In other words, mixing politics and erotic massage is a lose/lose for all.

You wanna know what makes a great topic of conversation? The weather. I'm obsessed with the weather channel. I've been known to actually prolong the happy ending when the customer doesn't mind me chatting away about the temperature and cold fronts and precipitation.