Friday, January 25, 2008

Boyfriends - or - How can you date someone when you spend all day jerking guys off

Yes - I have a boyfriend. His name is Tom (not his real name – duh). One of my friends read my earlier post that mentions him and said it would be interesting to talk about. So what’s it like to be in my line of business and have a boyfriend? Well let me tell ya.

No – he doesn’t know. Why? Because I’ve learned over the years that it’s just simpler. He thinks I’m a shampooer at a day salon. It’s a good cover since I technically work in a spa - but instead of washing the blue hair of old ladies, I’m giving handjobs to bald businessmen. Same difference, right? Complaining at the end of the day about customers, co-workers, business – it’s all pretty much the same. And luckily Tom doesn’t ask too many questions.

So why not tell him you ask? Yeah Right! Let me tell you the rules of dating when you’re in “The Business.”

Rule #1 – Don’t date the customers.
For some reason, this is NOT self explanatory. My first boss explained this to me when I first starting working for her. Dating customers ALWAYS ends badly. No exceptions. The pattern is always the same. At first it’s fine because they act like they're soooooo understanding of your job. Next, they start to brag about their job, how much money they earn, and how you should really consider getting out of the business and letting them take care of you.

Then the jealousy starts.
It finally dawns on them that you meet guys all day long who claim to be rich – just like them. Then they remember that you're willing to go out with a customer – just like them. Eventually they accuse you of banging every customer, stalking you in the parking lot, claiming you used them for money, following customers home, and finally... threatening to call the police on the business. HAPPENS EVERY TIME.

This doesn’t mean I won’t go out with a customer. In fact, I’ve had some of the best times hanging with guys outside the business. The difference I think is that when a customer asks you out on a date, they assume that you’re as trampy in your personal life as you are in your professional life. WRONG. A $100 tip gets you a topless handjob at work. A $100 dinner gets you nothing if you’re an asshole. Now a customer that truly asks you out as a friend is really showing me a tremendous amount of respect. He’s basically saying he wants to spend time with me not because of what I do for a living, but in spite of it.

Rule #2 – Don’t tell your boyfriend what you do.
This rule has a dozen exceptions that I won’t go into. But in general, my colleagues and I agree that a clueless boyfriend is much easier to deal with than a nosy one for all the reasons that I described above. I’ve tried to come clean with some guys in the past, and it usually ends in jealousy, mistrust, and accusations of cheating. And every fight usually includes the word “whore" from then on.

Now this doesn’t mean that all of us erotic massage therapists hide our business life from our partners. I’ve even known a couple of married women who’s husbands get off on the fact that their wife is a “sex worker” - and get off even more on their paychecks.

Rule #3 – Don’t ever feel guilty about Rules 1 and 2.It’s not worth it. Besides, does anyone really truly know what their partner does for a living? At the beginning of the day I walk into a spa, and at the end of the day I walk out of one. What happens in between is really academic and most guys don’t
really give a shit anyway. When I tell guys I'm a shampooer, their eyes usually glaze over, then they go back to staring at my tits.

Look at Tom for example. He runs a small construction crew. They work on houses and stuff, but do I really know EXACTLY what he does all day? I have no clue. He could be doing lines off some whore’s ass in downtown Pottsville while his guys do all the building stuff – I don’t know. I may ask him how his day went when he comes home, but he doesn’t really go into detail, and neither do I. He doesn't really give a crap how my day goes, so why would he care about the messy little details? Do you know what I'm talking about?

Well, my left hand is more tired than usual, so I’m gonna sign off now. If anyone is reading this crap PLEASE ask me some more questions. I’ll probably tell you more about past boyfriends later, and maybe then some of this may make sense. See ya later.


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Asian Massage Parlors

I finally got my first question the other day - it’s about time you guys started asking me stuff since I really don’t even know where to begin. So you wanna know about the Asian places, huh? Well that reminds me about what my co-worker Katy and I were talking about last night.

In our area of the state, we get a weekly rag called the Weekender. You’ve probably seen them – they’re given away free in grocery stores and gas stations. Mostly they cover local concerts, politics, movies etc. But if you look in the back pages, you’ll find all sorts of ads for strip clubs, massage parlors, and in some cities escort agencies. Periodically we scan the ads to see how the local competition is doing or if there’s a new shop in town.

There are always ads for the local Asian places. They usually go by the name of “Sauna,” “Spa” or “Accupressure.” Tip for you guys – any place that says accu-pressure is a code word for massage parlor. On the flip side – if you go to any place that says accu-puncture – don’t bother asking the 70 year old Chinese guy who works there for a happy ending.

The Asian places differ from other massage parlors in only a couple ways. First – they usually offer a “Table Shower” or “Body Shampoo.” This is where they lay you on a table in a giant shower stall, and scrub you from head to toe. Then they sometimes stick you in a sauna for a few minutes before taking you to the massage room. Keep in mind that all this pampering is taken out of your 60 minute session. What I hear from my customers is that the massage rooms always look like seedy little bedrooms instead of legit businesses with real massage tables. I have also heard from my customers that most of them are full service. Occasionally you’ll find one that’s happy ending only, but you can’t tell the difference from just looking through the window.

One way to find out if a massage business is full service is to have a female call them and ask for an appointment (or ask for your “wife”). They will make some lame excuse why they’re not taking appointments if they are full service. Happy-Ending-Only places may take the appointment if they need to appear legit. Sometimes we like to screw with the Asian places by calling them and trying to make appointments. We’ll keep insisting on coming in till they hang up on us.

Keep those questions coming!! Bye for now.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Massage Parlor Code Words and Lingo

Someone commented to me the other day that they like the idea of my new blog, but sometimes don’t understand the terms I use. I kinda forgot that I’m supposed to be teaching you guys this stuff, so I'll go over the basic lingo we use in the business. So here goes:

The Business” (also referred to as a “Massage parlor” or “Spa”): This is my place of employment where customers come in for a relaxing massage with a little something extra at the end. The Business should not be confused with a “Brothel” which is just sex. Believe it or not, we’re actually expected to provide quality massages here. In fact, most of the girls here are/were licensed massage therapists.

Happy ending” (also referred to as a “Release,” “Climax” or “Money shot”): These are the code words we use to talk about making a guy cum. I personally prefer the term “Release” and use it when talking to customers. When describing to newbies what I do, I find it sounds more professional to say “...I end the massage with a release,” rather than “… when I’m done I’ll jerk you off.”

There are different types of releases. The most common is the Hand Release, a.k.a. Handjob. 99% of my sessions end with this one. Another type of release is the Breast Release – also referred to by the more crass term “Tittyfucking.” Another is the Butt Release where the guy lubes up your ass cheeks and slides it between them. There are other variations, but you get the picture. I charge extra for anything other than a hand release, so I don’t get many chances to do one.

Options”: This is the term we use to describe the various ways we provide our massages. For my customers I usually offer these 3 Options: 1) Topless, 2) G-string, 3) Nude. I guess each is self explanatory. There is no real difference to the massage, its just that the guy pays according to the type of view he wants.

Therapeutic”: You could call this the “4th” option. This is a session where the man (or woman) wants nothing more than a legitimate therapeutic massage. NO HAPPY ENDING. In fact, for most of these customers, they are not even aware of our Options! You can imagine why this is our least favorite of the options since we make almost no money off these. Why do we do them you ask? Remember – WE ARE A MASSAGE BUSINESS. And sometimes you have to do what you have to do to keep up the appearance of being legitimate. A lot of these customers are locals who just have no clue, and the one thing you really can't afford to do in this business is make waves with the locals.

Customer” or “Clients”: I wanted to point out that we have customers like any other business. We do not call them “Johns” or “Tricks” or “Dates” like hookers do.

“Session” or “In Session”: This is when you’re working with a customer. I’ll say “I’m in Session…” when I’m busy with a client.

Full Service”: Sex. This is the difference between your standard massage parlor and a brothel. A woman or business that offers straight sex above and beyond a handjob is referred to as “Full Service.” It doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t be offered Full Service in a massage parlor – but that’s between you and your masseuse.

Well, this is the basic lingo to get you around most businesses. If you have any questions about specific terms you’ve heard before, please ask. Happy hunting!


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Cheap Ass Customers

Oh shit - just another day putting up with CHEAP ASS CUSTOMERS.
What the hell? They think they can get everything and anything for free? I’m sooooo not putting up with their cheap asses today - we all have bills to pay. Listen to this… It’s what we have to listen to most of the time:

Come on honey - it's Christmas!
I still need to go shopping
I don’t have much money to spend in here today
And my personal favorite –
it's my Birthday - how about a free massage!

… and all the good stuff that comes with it.

Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Sammie was just here. I don't really care for him too much. His English is bad so you have to make him repeat himself the whole time. He's from New York City and thinks his shit don't stink. He takes the Nude massage. I reminded him that I take my money up front and he complains “How long have I been coming here to see you? That shouldn’t matter… blah blah blah..” He gets up and hands me the money. As I’m putting it away he starts with “Well are you going to stand next to the table or what?” So I put the warm baby oil in my hand and walk back to the table. He sits up and pulls me towards him and starts to caress my breasts. “You know CJ, like I always said - you have the most beautiful boobs.”

“They’re not boobs,” I said. “They’re breasts and they’re all mine. Most girls got implants thinking it would make them better money. Lay down Sammie, you only paid for thirty minutes.”

As I begin massaging his back, I go harder since this is an erotic massage and not a deep tissue massage. I soooooo can't wait for this session to be over. After a few minutes it’s time to turn over already. As I begin to massage his chest I can smell his breath oh me. What the fuck did he eat - it's nasty! It’s about this time that he starts this shit:

“You know CJ, I jerked off two times today.”

What the fuck??? That got my attention. I try not to sound angry - “You did?”

“Yea I did. My wife was in the shower and I was horny, and I knew she didn't want to fuck.”

“How did you know she didn't want to fuck?”

“I just know.”

Now I’m ticked. “Well you said you jerked off twice right before you came in here - now why would you do that?” I hope he can hear the irritation in my voice.

“When you start to caress my cock with that damn warm baby oil, my dick gets super hard in two seconds and I can't help but want you to start jerking me off faster - and then I cum! So I jerked off before I came here so it would last longer.” He says this last bit so matter-of-factly that I want to just smack that smug look off his face.

“Well you already know you have five minutes left to cum? If not, you’re on your own” I say as matter-of-factly as I can. I’m not a robot! Do they think that my arms don't ever get tired? You know what it’s like to do a hard massage on some Fat Ass for 45 minutes straight then they expect you to spend the last 15 minutes of their session just jerking them off? Fuck that! This job beats your ass sometimes.

“Oh CJ… Put your pussy in my face… want to smell you… feel you… oh CJ… fuck me… fuck me… yeah… CJ go faster!” Geez - how much faster does he want me to go? They like when you talk dirty to them. I charge extra to talk dirty but in this case I really want this session to end. Besides, I’m still kinda hung over from New Years!

“Sammie… I feel your hard cock in my hand… I wanna fuck you with my hand… you feel my warm hand stroking your hard cock? Come on baby cum for me… Oh yeah… you like it when I stroke your hard cock…”

“Don't stop... harder… harder… I’m… oh my… yea baby… oh my!”

His cock gets real hard and then he starts to cum. He doesn’t make a sound when he cums. Only a little bit of jizz comes out, so I wipe the front of him with warm water then I throw my clothes back on. “Ok sweetie, I'll see you when you’re done getting dressed. I want to wash my hands, ok? I'll be right back.”

“Hey CJ. See you soon.”

I’m like whatever - leave ok? “Sammie, see ya soon!” I manage to say. Thank god we’re done.

I wonder what the boss lady is doing in the room next door. Probably getting her pussy licked - yikes that's nasty.

And that’s just another old day at the office!